Nellie Harden is a family life and leadership coach. Her 6570 project represents the 18 years parents have to raise their offspring to be adults. Nellie shares key guideposts to prepare for and engage in courageous conversations with tween and teen daughters. You can learn more about Nellie’s work, find resources, and access her podcast here: https://www.nellieharden.com/ Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolut...
Apr 27, 2023•32 min•Ep. 226
The classic book Getting to Yes introduced the idea of your BATNA or Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. Your WATNA is the Worst Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. Understanding these can help you weigh how flexible you are in attempting to reach an agreement. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com ! And you can learn more about me and my work as a medi...
Apr 20, 2023•4 min•Ep. 225
The ZOPA is the Zone of Possible Agreement. It’s usually considered in the context of business or sales negotiations. The Zone is the overlap between, for example, what a seller is willing to accept for a car and what a buyer is willing to pay. Or what an employer is willing to pay and an employee is willing to accept. I think the ZOPA idea can be useful in other contexts, too: it is practical and simple to grasp. It's one more concept to consider when thinking creatively about addressing confli...
Apr 13, 2023•4 min•Ep. 224
Beth Fisher-Yoshida has a new book, New Story, New Power: A Woman’s Guide to Negotiation. We discuss culture, stories, patterns, and habits. And practical tools to help you move away from what holds you back and reinforce what helps. You can learn more about Beth’s work and contact her here: https://bethfisheryoshida.com/ Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com ! An...
Apr 06, 2023•28 min•Ep. 223
Humility is a concept that is misunderstood at times. Some believe that it suggests a low opinion of yourself, that it is a sign of weakness. In fact, the more accurate understanding is that humility is a character strength . It is an indication that you have confidence in your abilities and – better still – you lack the need to brag about yourself. You don’t need to be arrogant. Humility allows you to have better interactions with others – to have no need to show that you think you are better i...
Mar 30, 2023•4 min•Ep. 222
My last two guests touched on the idea of using a personal mantra to handle conflict more effectively. Pattie Porter shared that, inside her head, she has several phrases that she has created to help her achieve centering and stabilization when she feels triggered in a conversation. Treena Reillkoff spoke of a mantra of gratitude, a daily acknowledgement of things large or quite small to be grateful for and to build resilience. Creating your own? Be positive, short, and personal. Do you have com...
Mar 23, 2023•5 min•Ep. 221
Treena Reillkoff works as a Trauma Informed Conflict Management and Resiliency Specialist. We discuss how specific tools, practices, and perspectives can allow us to recognize and nurture resiliency in ourselves and others. Treena is one of 106 co-authors, from 27 countries, and 11 languages who share their insights in the book Grief & Fatigue: Families & the Pandemic: Stories of Struggle and Hope, with proceeds from sales supporting Ukrainian refugees. You can learn more about Treena an...
Mar 16, 2023•27 min•Ep. 220
At this time of year, Major League Baseball teams are engaged in Spring Training. What could baseball’s Spring Training have to do with conflict? I see a few lessons to learn about conflict prevention. There’s the very basic idea that practice makes us better – at virtually everything. Probably even improvisation. Definitely in handling conflict well. These games don’t count in the regular season standings. They are an opportunity to practice. They are a chance for the whole team, and parts of t...
Mar 09, 2023•5 min•Ep. 219
My guest last time, Pattie Porter, talked about Verbal Akido. One point that Pattie made is that something that feels like an “attack” may not be intended to be one. As is true with so much in communications that don’t feel comfortable, I would do well to take a beat, pause for a moment, gather myself…. And think. First, why do I feel attacked? What is it in me that was struck? Next, it is a legitimate criticism? Is it valid? Now, how can I react? If it does hit the mark, can I acknowledge that ...
Mar 02, 2023•5 min•Ep. 218
For nearly thirty years, Pattie Porter has helped people get better at handling conflict through her work as a coach, trainer, academic, and other roles. And her podcast, the Texas Conflict Coach, shared some of her wisdom. In the last few years, Pattie has become a student and practitioner of Verbal Akido. She shares with us its three steps – in theory and in practice. You can learn more about Pattie and her work, and contact her, through her company website, https://www.conflictconnections.com...
Feb 23, 2023•26 min•Ep. 217
Usually battles of attrition are associated with violent clashes in wartime. One side tries to wear down the other, to wear them down, exhaust them. But these battles can appear in interpersonal relationships, too. In those situations, there can be a dynamic effect that can alter the relationship. The one who is being worn down can feel not just defeated, but resentful. If you think you are going to give in, maybe you should do that right away! Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic o...
Feb 16, 2023•3 min•Ep. 216
It’s not unusual to hear the admonition “Don’t get emotional” in the context of conflict. What poppycock. We are humans and we have emotions. It’s far better to recognize that fact, to acknowledge our emotions, and to think about what they are telling us. We should, of course, avoid being ruled by our emotions. We tend to think that only negative emotions can come up in conflict. In fact, positive emotions can be present, too. It’s best to think about our own emotions with some care – and to avo...
Feb 09, 2023•5 min•Ep. 215
Kristin MacDermott is the creator of the Four Family Meetings program. This approach allows families and the individuals within them to begin with a positive perspective through storytelling, move on to the essential topic of handling conflict, explore the importance of boundaries, and strengthen a sense of belonging. You can learn more about Kristin’s work here: https://www.macdermottmethod.com/resilientfamilystrategies.com . You can contact Kristin here: kristin@kristinmacdermott.com . You can...
Feb 02, 2023•27 min•Ep. 214
In improvisation, “yes, and” is the idea that one person makes a statement and then – whatever it is – the next person affirms it and then builds on it. That concept has been applied to communication. I talked about “Yes, and” in communication back in Episode 24, published on June 12, 2019. Would “no, and” lead to a more thoughtful conversation than “no, but”? Does it sound less like a reflexive way to tone down a rejection? Less of an automatic response that shuts down further discussion. It's ...
Jan 26, 2023•4 min•Ep. 213
From a conflict perspective, what was the point of airing the dirty laundry in Prince Harry’s memoir, Spare? Telling your own side of a story is a very common desire. Perhaps his intention is to raise his standing (and Meghan’s) in the court of public opinion – which may be working or may be backfiring. Harry has said that he is open to a better relationship with his family. There may be a worse way to promote reconciliation than a gossipy memoir showcasing bad behavior by everyone else. But it ...
Jan 19, 2023•6 min•Ep. 212
David Tate is the author, along with Marianne Pantalon and Daryn David, of Conscious Accountability: Deepen Connections, Elevate Results. We talk about expanded awareness, deliberate intentions, informed actions, and being responsible for our impact. You can learn more about his work Conscious Growth Partners here: https://consciousgrowthpartners.com/ . Connect with David on LinkedIn here:https://www.linkedin.com/in/david-c-tate-780683/ Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest?...
Jan 12, 2023•25 min•Ep. 211
Last week, I was certain – if you looked – that you could find some successes with conflict in 2022. This week, I am equally confident that you can build on your strengths in 2023. For example, it may be that you are quite good at welcoming varied perspectives. Or you enjoy ensuring regular communications – even when there is no particular news to share. Perhaps you are comfortable speaking calmly in a tense group setting and encouraging others to take a breath before speaking out in a way they ...
Jan 05, 2023•4 min•Ep. 210
I invite you to look back on the year and see what you did well, what you did right, regarding conflict. The positives can take a range of forms. There may have been a very good conflict: a situation in which tough issues were grappled with. A little tougher to see is the potential bad conflict that was avoided. A conflict may have been negative – yet less damaging than it could have been. If a conflict erupted that did do damage, did you find ways to repair that? Or to figure out how to avoid t...
Dec 29, 2022•4 min•Ep. 209
Stephen McGarvey is the author Ignite a Shift: Engaging Minds, Guiding Emotions, and Driving Behavior. We discuss motivation, the importance of being understood, and the impact of certain words. Plus, I ask Stephen this question: “Why is this not creepy and manipulative?" Listen to our conversation to hear his response. You can learn more about Stephen’s work and the book at http://solutionsinmind.com/ Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict...
Dec 22, 2022•25 min•Ep. 208
Author and speaker John C. Maxwell is credited with coining this phrase: “Disappointment is the gap that exists between expectation and reality.” It’s usually more difficult to change reality than to change our expectations. In circumstances of interpersonal conflict, change is often the key piece in expectation. We should take a moment to look – realistically – at aspects of a desired change to understand what change genuinely can be expected. If we consider our expectations with care – and dis...
Dec 15, 2022•5 min•Ep. 207
Josh Patrick is a business consultant who has learned from – and continues to learn from – personal experience and work with clients, as well as reading, writing, speaking, and podcasting about the challenges business owners face. Business owners can face internal conflicts – engaging in behaviors that don’t serve them well. I talk with Josh about failing fast and failing cheap, the value of small experiments, and more. Josh’s weekly podcast is Cracking the Cash Flow Code. You can sign up for hi...
Dec 08, 2022•23 min•Ep. 206
When you have an infrequent in-person conversation, think back to it. How did it go? Most important, what can you do now to follow up to improve that relationship? What can you do to increase the odds of positive conflict (creative and collaborative) in the future? If you had a good talk, seize on that! Follow up with a visit, phone call, text, email, or even an old-fashioned letter or card. Mental telepathy does not count. On the flip side, if it didn’t go well – consider reaching out to repair...
Dec 01, 2022•4 min•Ep. 205
Cognitive biases represent shortcuts in our thinking and how we reach conclusions. You can learn about Overcoming confirmation bias in Episode 129, published on June 16, 2021. Managing availability bias is the topic of Episode 143, published on September 22, 2021. And Episode 176, published on May 11, 2022, is about Implicit Bias and the Implicit Association Test. There are plenty of other biases. Today, a few words about salience bias. In this context, salience means how prominent or emotionall...
Nov 24, 2022•5 min•Ep. 204
We are now coming into the time of year for traditional family gatherings. For many years, these in-person celebrations have been the time to tackle difficult conversations and make important decisions. Lots of families are coming together this season for the first time since 2019. In the depth of the pandemic, remarkable lessons came out of our need to shift away from in-person gatherings to online group conversations and meetings. Prioritize human connections when gathering in-person – whateve...
Nov 17, 2022•6 min•Ep. 203
Going along to get along can be a good idea – sometimes. When you find yourself giving in – accommodating in Thomas-Kilmann theory – too often, you might stop and think about that. Do you not care about the outcome of a decision? Are you afraid to speak your mind? Are you going to be silenced by your own choice to not speak up? Will you become resentful about always being the one to “sacrifice”? These questions are especially important in the context of an ongoing, valued relationship. We can al...
Nov 10, 2022•5 min•Ep. 202
Amanda Holmes, daughter of the renowned sales strategist Chet Holmes, was 24 when she inherited her father’s vast business interests and his legacy – with no preparation of any kind. We talk about her journey over the last ten years as she grew into her role as CEO by following her instincts, developing her skills and self-confidence, and charting a path that builds on the past with her own vision for the future. We discuss her update of her father's celebrated book, The Ultimate Sales Machine. ...
Nov 03, 2022•30 min•Ep. 201
Just last week, I was in a conversation about the key question for a would-be podcaster. Why do you want to do this? I had a clear answer to that question in 2018 during Seth Godin’s podcasting workshop (7 intensive weeks and 35 lessons) and my answer is the same in 2022, on Episode 200. But, I am not the same. I continue to learn from my experiences – and from my podcast guests. There is plenty more to explore in the podcast. I want to help people see a perspective on conflict that is practical...
Oct 27, 2022•5 min•Ep. 200
Working throughout the United States, The Community Relations Service (CRS) is part of the Department of Justice. And not as well-known a part as it might be. CRS works with communities to prevent and respond to alleged hate crimes based on actual or perceived race, color, national origin, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, religion, or disability. CRS calls itself “America’s Peacemaker” for “communities in conflict by mediating disputes and enhancing community capacity to independentl...
Oct 20, 2022•5 min•Ep. 199
Unofficial veto power is the idea that one person (or, less frequently, a small subset of a group) has the power to stop progress. And that power is not granted to them by the rest of the group, any document, or cultural norm. “Progress” is a broad term, here. It’s allowing the group to make – or even consider—decisions. In some type of rational fashion. It’s abiding by decisions that are made. That veto power can be exerted in a variety of ways: from refusing to participate in the process, to l...
Oct 13, 2022•7 min•Ep. 198
While serving as an Army colonel in Afghanistan, Chris Kolenda motivated a large insurgent group to switch sides. We talk about that experience and the new edition of his book, Leadership: The Warrior’s Art, a collection of pieces by military leaders. The book has insights for all sorts of organizations and group. Chris notes that there’s really no such thing as military leadership: it’s all leadership and it’s always dealing with people. You can learn more about Chris’s work at https://strategi...
Oct 07, 2022•25 min•Ep. 197
