Many thought that the Queen was too slow to respond to Diana’s death. When she finally did, she minimized the conflict by speaking eloquently and by nodding her head as Diana’s casket passed by. As a ruling monarch, she received respect routinely and wasn’t expected to make her own demonstrations of it. She made a distinction between family and business with Prince Andrew. Allegations (though denied) and friendships (impossible to deny) led to his expulsion from The Firm, but not the family. Pri...
Sep 29, 2022•5 min•Ep. 196
Queen Elizabeth has been widely appreciated for her life of service. Though most family business leaders aren’t royal monarchs, her approach has lessons that many can learn. Among them: she started early in her devotion to service (even before she was head of The Firm); she worked hard; she kept her own counsel; she was engaged with her “customers” and did not think them to be lesser; she had a sense of humor; and she planned her own succession carefully. Do you have comments or suggestions abou...
Sep 22, 2022•6 min•Ep. 195
Jay Hughes has spent decades devoted to service to families. Throughout that time, he has been deeply interested in why families flourish – and why they don’t. In our conversation, Jay’s insights include how the Goldilocks principle is essential for the well-being of families. Friends and colleagues created the James R. Hughes, Jr. Foundation, insisting that it bear his name even though his humility made that hard to embrace at first! The Foundation’s Mission: “Rooted in Jay Hughes’ landmark Fiv...
Sep 15, 2022•34 min•Ep. 194
Time and again, we have heard that transitions are challenging and difficult. They also represent an opportunity to be collaborative and creative in addressing change effectively. Embracing thegood type of conflict. Last time, I talked about the process. This time, the focus is on the results. One possible result is a greater acceptance of the fact that change is happening all the time – and that we would do well to notice it and adapt more frequently. We can also prepare ourselves better for th...
Sep 08, 2022•5 min•Ep. 193
We have heard many times about transitions being challenging and difficult. They also represent an opportunity to be collaborative and creative in addressing change effectively. Embracing the good type of conflict. How? try some inclusive decision-making. A time to invite ideas, listen carefully, and consider those thoughts with respect and an open mind. Even if every suggestion can’t be adopted, there is a chance to embrace a collaborative, respectful, creative process. Seizing that chance can ...
Sep 01, 2022•5 min•Ep. 192
Deena Chochinov’s work in the areas of family therapy and organizational development gives her an unusual and especially helpful perspective for her work as an advisor to family enterprises. Her professional experiences over the course of thirty years inform her insights in her recently published book, HomeWork: How to Be a Leader in the Boardroom and the Living Room. You can learn more about the book and her work here: https://www.deenachochinov.com/ . Connect with Deena on LinkedIn here: https...
Aug 25, 2022•32 min•Ep. 191
Rendezvous is the annual gathering of the Purposeful Planning Institute (PPI). It’s “the most professionally diverse gathering of its kind and brings together professionals representing more than 20 disciplines for collaborative dialogue, keynotes, and breakout sessions centered on family dynamics, governance, collaboration, philanthropy and personal development and growth” according to the PPI website. The organization includes over 450 members, representing more than 20 disciplines, including ...
Aug 18, 2022•6 min•Ep. 190
Compromising appears right in the middle of an imaginary image of two axes showing degrees of assertiveness and cooperativeness because it is moderate, not extreme, with regard to both of those characteristics. Compromising gives partial satisfaction to both parties. It may mean splitting the difference between two ideal outcomes or seeking a quick middle-ground way to reach an agreement. Less work than collaborating, and less satisfaction, too. It might be 50/50 or some other distribution. When...
Aug 11, 2022•5 min•Ep. 189
Jack Wofford: mediator? Facilitator? Does he help with conflicts? Disputes? Issues? Disagreements? We talk about what’s in a name and the four essential elements in the work that he does. You can reach Jack at johnwofford@earthlink.net and learn more about his work at https://www.mediate.com/mediator-profile/?uid=29258 Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com ! And y...
Aug 04, 2022•26 min•Ep. 188
The TKI describes five different approaches to conflict. And those five are always available to each of us. They are accommodating, avoiding, collaborating, competing, and compromising. Visualize a vertical axis of assertiveness, the extent to which someone tries to satisfy their own needs. Along the horizontal axis, the degree of cooperativeness is shown: that is the extent to which a person tries to satisfy the other person’s needs. Avoiding appears on the bottom right of the image – very low ...
Jul 28, 2022•5 min•Ep. 187
The TKI describes five different approaches to conflict. And those five are always available to each of us. They are accommodating, avoiding, collaborating, competing, and compromising. Competing is power-driven, with a focus on one’s own needs at the expense of the other person’s. Accommodating is the polar opposite: putting someone else’s needs above one’s own. Neither is always the right approach, nor always the wrong one. The value of the TKI is helping you understand which modes you tend to...
Jul 21, 2022•6 min•Ep. 186
Jennifer Fraser, PhD, set out to learn all she could about bullying and healing a brain damaged by it. She was motivated by the experience her teenage son endured, and the memories of her teen years that his experience brought back to her.The result is a book that surveys brain research in this area, outdated myths, and societal trends. Equally important, Jennifer shares hopeful and practical ideas that can help individuals heal themselves. You can learn more about the book and Jennifer’s work h...
Jul 14, 2022•29 min•Ep. 185
More than nine million copies of the TKI assessment have been sold since it was introduced in the mid- 1970s, according to the Kilmann Diagnostics website: https://kilmanndiagnostics.com/assessments/thomas-kilmann-instrument-one-assessment-person/ The tool isn’t black or white and doesn’t label conflict is bad. In fact, it calls conflict “neutral”. https://kilmanndiagnostics.com/faqs/ The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument describes five different approaches to conflict. And those five are ...
Jul 07, 2022•5 min•Ep. 184
Making choices about just how much conflict to address can lead to better outcomes than stopping before you start or setting up for a sense of failure. We can feel overwhelmed -- and fearful -- about estate planning, as my guest last time, Paul Hood, discussed. An internal conflict. It helps to recognize that it will take time and that changes can be made down the road. And almost any decision is better than none. Doing nothing invites conflict in your surviving family. Trying to make a difficul...
Jun 30, 2022•6 min•Ep. 183
Paul Hood has written extensively about estate planning for many years – books, articles, and more. Many have been full of insights for professionals. Earlier this year, Paul’s book on estate planning geared for lay people was published. Yours, Mine, and Ours – estate planning for people in blended or stepfamilies. Among other topics, Paul covers the common fears that can stop people from starting the estate planning process or get them off track after they start. We also discuss how ongoing con...
Jun 23, 2022•28 min•Ep. 182
Putting yourself in the shoes of the person you are in conflict with can provide valuable insights. It’s a key feature of the CINERGY conflict coaching model. Cinnie Noble, creator of the model, was my guest on Episode 69, published on April 22, 2020. Listen wherever you get your podcasts or here: https://bit.ly/2xtYMIl . In two recent instances, coaching clients discovered, by putting themselves in the shoes of the other person in the conflict, that the client and the other person faced the sam...
Jun 16, 2022•6 min•Ep. 181
In a recent blog post, Seth Godin riffed on Interested vs. Interesting. In short, we are all interesting in our own way. That doesn’t necessarily mean that other people are interested in what we have to offer. Granted. Then I viewed the post through the lens of handling conflict better. One suggestion that comes up in preventing and resolving negative conflicts is to adopt curiosity. In other words, be genuinely interested in other people’s perspectives. Especially if their perspective is differ...
Jun 09, 2022•4 min•Ep. 180
Marlene’s most recent book is From Conflict to Courage: How to Stop Avoiding and Start Leading. We discuss dysfunctional leadership identities and how they can lead to conflict. How to increase your conflict capacity. And how structure leads to behavior. You can find Marlene on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/marlenechism/ . You can also reach her by email, at marlene@marlenechism.com. Her website, https://marlenechism.com/ , offers information about her book, her services, and insightful ...
Jun 02, 2022•28 min•Ep. 179
Earlier this month, I attended my first in-person conference since early 2020, the Institute for Family Governance conference in New York City. During the lunch break, I chaired a roundtable discussion on addressing and preventing conflict in a family enterprise. Our conversation echoed – and amplified – some themes that we heard throughout the day. Setting expectations is key – well before a problem erupts. Recognize that families and their family enterprises necessarily evolve over time. Impor...
May 26, 2022•5 min•Ep. 178
Implicit bias is an unconscious bias or prejudice that we have, which may be contrary to what we say we believe – or even what we think we believe. The Implicit Association Test (IAT) available through the Harvard University website. It’s free and takes ten to fifteen minutes to complete, on your own, online. https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html . Project Implicit is a research project. The Implicit Association Test (IAT) measures attitudes and beliefs that people may be unwillin...
May 19, 2022•5 min•Ep. 177
Implicit bias is an unconscious bias or prejudice that we have, which may be contrary to what we say we believe – or even what we think we believe. The Implicit Association Test (IAT) available through the Harvard University website. It’s free and takes ten to fifteen minutes to complete, on your own, online. https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html . Project Implicit is a research project. The Implicit Association Test (IAT) measures attitudes and beliefs that people may be unwillin...
May 12, 2022•5 min•Ep. 176
The idea of the Ladder of Inference was introduced by Chris Argyris in 1970. The concept became widely known when he and Peter Senge published The Fifth Discipline in 1992. The Ladder of Inference helps us visualize how our brain processes work. Some of it with lightning speed. By better understanding what is happening, we can better address what isn’t serving us well. The Ladder of Inference appears in a number of sources online. Here are two: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ladder_of_i...
May 05, 2022•5 min•Ep. 175
Vik Kapoor is back for a second visit. His first was on October 29, 2020, in Episode 96. You can listen here: https://bit.ly/2JcUcmZ That time we talked about the UN peer conflict coaching program that he was involved in.This time we discuss his book about self-coaching, First Serve Yourself: How Young Leaders Around the World are Winning on Their Own Terms. We talk about positive and negative emotions, bias, and tools that individuals can use to effectively coach themselves. You can learn more ...
Apr 28, 2022•26 min•Ep. 174
First, we can think through just when we are at our best – and our worst. Time of day? Day of the week? Location? Can we set up a tough conversation for the time and place when we are at our best? Next, we can be aware of how to be prepared to be at our best when we know in advance that we will be engaged in a difficult conversation. Sometimes we don’t have the luxury of time or much advance notice. What could we adopt as a way to quickly reset and pull ourselves into position for the situation?...
Apr 21, 2022•5 min•Ep. 173
When thinking about self-awareness and preventing negative conflict, let’s focus on the habits we have, the most obvious patterns we adopt, the knee-jerk reactions (which can have a dangerous capacity for making us appear to be or actually be jerks). We can benefit from taking a moment – or two – to reflect on what is increasing the likelihood of negative conflict unnecessarily. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict ...
Apr 14, 2022•4 min•Ep. 172
David Ehrlichman discusses his work at Converge, a network of practitioners who cultivate impact networks. His book, impact networks, sets out how co-creating networks beside, across, or even within hierarchical organizations can tap into the creativity of individuals who co-create networks centered on a common purpose. Visit the Converge website to learn more about their work and the book, to read their blog, to find links to four- and eighteen-minute films, and to take advantage of the free ne...
Apr 07, 2022•28 min•Ep. 171
The flip side of the dangers of shortcuts is the benefit of a detour. That is, allowing a conversation to wander to where it needs to go to get at the nub of the conflict. For me, useful detours can come up in conflict coaching, mediation, and more general conflict consulting. In coaching, the value can be in a deeper dive into what makes a client tick. In mediation, the detour may be into what else matters to the people involved, beyond what they initially state. In consulting, the challenge ca...
Mar 31, 2022•5 min•Ep. 170
Generally, we tend to think of shortcuts as good and detours as bad. Yet, in the specific context of dealing with conflict, it’s often the reverse. Although it can be tempting to race ahead, assuming that no preparation is needed for a successful mediation session, that shortcut can be actually harmful – diminishing the possibility of a positive outcome and risking making a difficult situation even worse. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about confl...
Mar 24, 2022•5 min•Ep. 169
Adam Kahane has worked for thirty years as a facilitator of diverse groups in a variety of settings around the world. We discuss the insights he has gained from his work, captured in his five books. In his most recent book, Facilitating Breakthrough, Adam sets out how to “remove obstacles, build bridges, and move forward together.” You can learn more about his work and find free resources at his firm’s website: https://reospartners.com/ Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest?...
Mar 17, 2022•28 min•Ep. 168
The phrase “holding space” is most frequently heard in the context of therapy or psychology. In the context of discussions or meetings, the concept is one of deliberately accepting and anticipating the possibility – even the likelihood – of needing some time and “space” set aside for what may come that is not fully planned for. Time and space to allow for creativity, collaboration and yes – conflict. The good kind where different ideas and perspectives are voiced and a positive type of clash fol...
Mar 10, 2022•4 min•Ep. 167
