Courage is not the absence of fear, but a positive way to handle fear. The same could be said of negative stimuli (hot buttons, triggers) and responding in the best way possible. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com ! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.li...
Mar 03, 2022•5 min•Ep. 166
Mitzi enjoys sharing what she has learned about successful family businesses. Her interest is personal: she was born into the Henderson family, founders of the Sheraton Hotel chain, and she married into the Perdue family, where her husband, Frank, was the head of the family-owned poultry business. Both families are thriving through the generations. In this episode, Mitzi talks about Frank Perdue’s humility, his genuine interest in those who were part of the Perdue community, and his recognition ...
Feb 24, 2022•28 min•Ep. 165
That phrase applies generally to much of the work I do. It also applies specifically to a seminar on April 6, 2022. It is presented by the Family Firm Institute (FFI) and FFI Fellows and graduates of the FFI GEN program are encouraged to attend. https://www.ffigen.org/courses/working-with-conflict-in-the-family-enterprise . The very creation of the course reflects the recognition that conflict is inevitable. So, let’s get better at dealing with it! Some basic understanding of causes of conflict,...
Feb 17, 2022•5 min•Ep. 164
Email is often blamed for causing or inflaming conflict. And rightly so. Sometimes, it can prevent conflicts. An email reminder of a spoken agreement can solidify memory of it, reassure all that they have the same understanding (or create the opportunity to clarify if they do not) and save face if someone just might forget the details of the agreement. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at ...
Feb 10, 2022•6 min•Ep. 163
Crystal Thorpe is an experienced mediator whose areas of expertise include Elder and Adult Family Mediation. We talk about what it is, and how it helps families work through an immediate dispute regarding an older loved one. And how it can help families get better at handling conflict in the future. You can learn more about Crystal’s work and reach her through https://agreementresources.com/ and http://www.elderdecisions.com/ Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or...
Feb 03, 2022•22 min•Ep. 162
Pick your favorite colloquial term: do-over, rewind, or mulligan. Whichever it is, that may be an excellent Goldilocks type of option when a difficult exchange (or series of them) has occurred where a relationship is valued and ongoing. Not an explicit dissection of what went wrong, perhaps in excruciatingly painful detail. And not silence, with no acknowledgement of any problem at all. Instead, a decision to have another go at it. Without assigning fault, but with a determination to do better. ...
Jan 27, 2022•5 min•Ep. 161
When you hear the words impartial and neutral, you may have a clear sense of a difference between the two -- or you may think that they are fully interchangeable. In the realm of conflict management or conflict resolution, the use of these different words can cause genuine, strong disagreement. Perhaps the best way to think of the neutral/impartial question is the fairness of that third party. Whatever the term, is the third party who is responsible for the mediation process being fair in handli...
Jan 20, 2022•5 min•Ep. 160
“John A” Warnick describes himself as a recovering tax attorney and family wealth counselor. John A and I talk about his professional journey, the founding of the Purposeful Planning Institute, PPI, and serendipity. You can reach John A here: johna@purposefulplanninginstitute.com or 720.458.7770. You can learn more about PPI here: https://purposefulplanninginstitute.com/ Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resoluti...
Jan 13, 2022•33 min•Ep. 159
As with conflict, we can think of habits as being good, bad, and ugly. As this new year begins, it’s a logical time to look for new opportunities in how we handle conflict. Two suggestions: pick one habit that’s negative and try to do lessof it. AND, just as important, pick one habit that’s positive and try to do more of that one. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions...
Jan 06, 2022•5 min•Ep. 158
I want to share three solo episodes, in particular, with you. The first two sound connected, and they are somewhat. Back in January, on the 27th, Episode 109 was on the topic of Unity and Unanimity. A related theme appeared in Episode 132, published on July 7, 2021: Independence and Unity. Each is under seven minutes, start to finish, and listeners have found them especially helpful. The third is Turkeys and Lizards Don’t Mix Well. Episode 151, under six minutes, published on November 17, 2021, ...
Dec 30, 2021•6 min•Ep. 157
Some thoughts on the time of the solstice. The time of the solstice is one of extremes: days that are very short or very long. Extremes invite negative conflict. Yet we can try not to view our starting points as positioned as far apart as possible. When I was a young child, I believed that my December 21st birthday was a shorter day than everyone else’s: an early example of the challenge of unequal seeming unfair! Worse still, I didn’t understand the reason for the inequality. Finally, my birthd...
Dec 23, 2021•5 min•Ep. 156
Cash Nickerson’s latest book, Negotiation as a Martial Art, describing the power of asking “why” and listening with curiosity and patience to what you hear – including giving the other person plenty of time to respond. He’s not so sure about how to separate the people from the problem, as suggested in Getting to Yes: sometimes the people are the problem. And yes, you can negotiate with bullies – it just takes some extra thought. You can reach him and learn more about his books at https://cashnic...
Dec 16, 2021•28 min•Ep. 155
When we hear something that surprises us – and that we don’t agree with – it can be easy to jump to outrage and stay there. Stewing in the outrage and dismissing the person who said such a thing. Conflict embraced and solidified. “How could they say that!!” might be more useful as “How could they say that?” A question instead of an exclamation. A consideration of the need behind the words. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management o...
Dec 09, 2021•5 min•Ep. 154
Trust is a critical foundation to collaboration and positive change in any setting, education and far beyond. Trust can lead to a culture the fosters collaboration. When trust needs to be repaired, four commitments will help: a commitment to small and consistent actions; a commitment to humility and listening; a commitment to extending forgiveness and trust to others; and a commitment to completing the repairs. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about...
Dec 02, 2021•27 min•Ep. 153
Gratitude is a deeply personal emotion. Embracing a platitude that doesn’t feel right to us can lead to inner -- and even outer – conflict. Attitudes of judgment about other people’s apparent gratitude, based on our own perspective start us down the path of conflict. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com ! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator ...
Nov 25, 2021•5 min•Ep. 152
Next week, Thanksgiving Day is celebrated in the U.S. Turkey is often on the menu. And conflict is a frequent accompaniment as extended, intergenerational families come together. Our “lizard brain”, in the context of interpersonal conflict, is the part of our human brain that is like a lizard’s: quick but not careful. We can think ahead about how to avoid problems that we know are likely to occur; we can prepare to be at our own best; and we can take a pause (and not the bait) if an opportunity ...
Nov 18, 2021•5 min•Ep. 151
Toxic positivity is excessive and ineffective emphasis on a happy and optimistic take on a situation. It can do harm to the person on the receiving end of it and to the relationship between that person and the person engaging it. Even when – as is usually the case, good intentions motivate it. Still, an opportunity for unnecessary interpersonal conflict. Better to listen and to offer authentic support that doesn’t do damage to a person already upset or to the relationship that person has with so...
Nov 11, 2021•5 min•Ep. 150
There’s an expression that “to assume” is to make an a-s-s out of u and me. Note that it’s a two-way street of trouble: it’s bad for both of us. Assumptions can be harmful in many contexts. One is inherited personal property. We have heard plenty about conflicts over items of limited monetary value that have the same or similar significant emotional value to family members. My guest last week, Marlene Stum, cautioned that conflict can arise when some people value an item deeply and another can’t...
Nov 04, 2021•7 min•Ep. 149
Marlene Stum is in her thirty-third year at the University of Minnesota. Her particular interest and expertise involves research and educational resources to help later life families preserver their financial security and social well-being. We discuss the six factors of the Who Gets Granma’s Yellow Pie Plate? project. Practical research-based resources are available through https://extension.umn.edu/transferring-property/transferring-non-titled-property . Marlene suggests that families could wat...
Oct 28, 2021•30 min•Ep. 148
In a recently published article, Deborah Tannen described the concept of “cooperative overlapping”. In the article, she explains how she coined the phrase in her 1984 book, Conversational Style . The idea is that interrupting someone who is speaking can be a positive: it’s meant to show engagement in what the speaker is saying and to encourage the speaker to continue. Read her article here: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/09/25/opinion/interrupting-cooperative-overlapping.html?searchResultPosition=...
Oct 21, 2021•6 min•Ep. 147
Deborah Tannen describes herself as a linguist who studies the mechanics of conversation. Her studies, articles, and books cover a wide range of potentially thorny types of conversation. The key takeaways regarding conflict? Although we may have different approaches to conversation, one is not necessarily better than another. Our challenge is understanding that we have these differences and not jumping to make negative assumptions about them. http://www.deborahtannen.com/ Do you have comments or...
Oct 14, 2021•5 min•Ep. 146
Cindy Radu brings a background in law and accounting to her work with legacy families. In particular, her deep expertise with trusts enables Cindy to help families achieve their wealth legacy goals. She offers three specific takeaways. First, communicate about the purpose of a trust -- the mission, vision, and values behind it. Second, intentionally activate the trust. Third, collaboration among all involved is essential: the grantors, the trustees, the beneficiaries, and the professional adviso...
Oct 07, 2021•26 min•Ep. 145
The phrase “giving someone the benefit of the doubt” suggests only one benefit, bestowed by one person upon another, when trustworthiness is accepted, even though there is some question about it. The benefits are actually broader: the relationship is spared the stress of distrust and possible rupture and the one “giving” the benefit is relieved of the burden of judging the other person as untrustworthy. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflic...
Sep 30, 2021•5 min•Ep. 144
Availability bias, also known as the availability heuristic, is the idea that we tend to value -- overweight even -- information that comes to mind quickly when making decisions. It’s a mental shortcut in processing information. Recent events, those that touch us personally, and those that are highly unusual come to mind more readily. In a conflict, if two people are trying to reach a decision, it’s to be expected that both people are affected by availability bias. And, it’s only logical, that t...
Sep 23, 2021•7 min•Ep. 143
Richard has extensive experience in mediation within the context of litigation: by court rule, a judge’s order or suggestion, or on the parties’ own initiative. We discuss the advantages of working with a skilled mediator in commercial litigation matters. We also discuss how family business mediation differs from a purely commercial scenario. You can learn more about Richard’s work at his website: https://www.lutringeradrconsulting.com/ . You can reach him by email here: rlutringer@mac.com Do yo...
Sep 16, 2021•27 min•Ep. 142
In conflict, the distinction between positions – what we say we must have – and interests – the motivations behind those statements -- is critically important. Recognizing that interests lie behind positions is the first step. Assuming we know the interests isn’t a good next step. We need to understand, in ourselves and others, what those motivations are. We might be surprised. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict r...
Sep 09, 2021•6 min•Ep. 141
It’s a popular expression, but not a helpful one when applied to interpersonal conflict. The phrased overgeneralizes. It can oversimplify how many “sides” are present in a conflict. It fails to recognize that people – in contrast to rocks – are dynamic. It doesn’t take into account that people may have a hard position on one part of an issue, but not all. And it assumes a negative, self-fulfilling perspective – if we believe that all is hopeless, we nearly guarantee that it is! Do you have comme...
Sep 02, 2021•4 min•Ep. 140
Nance described her journey to her work as a conflict resolution specialist, including experience in human resources, professionally and personally, law school, and a corporate setting with a strong alternative dispute resolution process. She eventually learned about the International Center for Ethno-Religious Mediation. Through ICER, Nance completed an eight-week training course and certification. As important as that work is in its direct application to ethno-religious conflicts, Nance shared...
Aug 26, 2021•28 min•Ep. 139
Silence, in the context of conflict, can have many meanings. When someone stops communicating, the other person or other people must guess what it means – and the interpretation might be incomplete or completely wrong. On a more positive note, when people are in conflict and one embraces silence to truly listen carefully to what someone else is saying, that silence shows respect and helps possible solutions to the conflict surface and be heard. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic o...
Aug 19, 2021•5 min•Ep. 138
Learning to deal with conflict well, just like learning to swim, is a teachable life skill. We are, understandably, afraid of the danger that water can pose. When we learn to swim, we handle that danger and that fear better. So, too, with conflict. When we learn to handle it better, with more competence and more confidence, we fear it less. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailr...
Aug 12, 2021•5 min•Ep. 137
