Genevieve Chornenki was a seasoned dispute resolution consultant when an avoidable medical event with serious consequences thrust her into new roles. From her perspective as someone who had served as a neutral in a wide range of processes, she experienced being an injured person, a complainant, a client, and a person labelled as a victim. Genevieve shares some highlights of the insights she sets out in her book, “Don’t Lose Sight: vanity, incompetence, and my ill-fated left eye”. She encourages ...
Aug 05, 2021•29 min•Ep. 136
PPI is Purposeful Planning Institute. At PPI’s RendeZoom, Betsy Erickson, Steve Legler, and I led a breakout session on Leaning into Conflict, with confidence and competence. Here are a few take-aways for trusted advisors. Though it’s not helpful to ignore your own discomfort with conflict, owning up to it is fine! The families that advisors work with frequently believe that they are the only ones who experience interpersonal conflict. Simply assuring client families that other families struggle...
Jul 29, 2021•6 min•Ep. 135
Specific written plans to deal with potential conflict can be helpful: both by acknowledging that conflict happens and by having a process in place when it is needed. Those specifics are themselves part of a plan: a contract, a family charter, a workplace policy. Many of us find planning hard to do: we need to face difficult facts, make tough decisions, and devote resources (time, money, and energy) to doing it well. Three steps can help us get past our own or our clients’ conflict: acknowledge ...
Jul 22, 2021•7 min•Ep. 134
Betsy recognizes that conflict is a normal occurrence in families, and helps families engaged in philanthropy to understand that they are not alone in experiencing it. In fact, family conflict may emerge for the first time when families create the structures and make the decisions necessary for wise philanthropy. She and her team are alert for the first signs of conflict and work with families to address it before lasting damage can occur. Betsy mentioned The National Center for Family Philanthr...
Jul 15, 2021•26 min•Ep. 133
Enterprising families and legacy families need to embrace a balance between unity and independence. Unity that is more accurately described as forced lockstep is dangerous. At the same time, honoring family values and the value of staying together will temper leaning too far into independence. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com ! And you can learn more about me...
Jul 08, 2021•7 min•Ep. 132
:Trauma plays a significant and underappreciated role in conflict. What triggers us and what triggers others is a reflection of our past traumatic experiences: as individuals, as descendants, and as a reflection of our times. Monica Clare is a mediator and leadership coach who focuses on family businesses. We discuss her personal experiences and the methodologies she uses. Learn more about Otto Scharmer’s Theory U here: https://www.ottoscharmer.com/theoryu and The Presencing Institute here: http...
Jul 01, 2021•23 min•Ep. 131
The question of timing is worth your attention. It’s not everything, but it is something that can profoundly affect how well conflict is handled. The “when” question has two steps. First step, when to broach the subject of having a conversation. Second, when to have the conversation. Sometimes, but not always, those will be the same. As a first step, you may be seeking the commitment of the other person to address what is going on. For more on the need to seek a commitment to address the conflic...
Jun 24, 2021•6 min•Ep. 130
Confirmation bias, the tendency to look only for data that supports an opinion, reinforces negative conflict. We can overcome confirmation bias when we work to be aware of it, we consider where we get information (an “echo chamber” doesn’t help), how we glean information (go beyond sensational headlines), and interpret information (not a knee-jerk acceptance or rejection, but a thoughtful approach). Better still, we can try to avoid surrounding ourselves with people who think just like us. Do yo...
Jun 17, 2021•6 min•Ep. 129
Mitzi Perdue has a unique perspective on the importance of family business culture: she was born into the Henderson family, founders of the Sheraton Hotel chain, and she married into the Perdue family, where her husband, Frank, was the head of the family-owned poultry business. Both families are thriving through the generations. Mitzi talked about the importance of families spending time together – starting with Gen1, the first generation, eating meals together. She mentioned the work of Profess...
Jun 10, 2021•28 min•Ep. 128
Disputes and conflicts. Those of us who spend a lot of time thinking about and dealing with interpersonal disagreements don’t necessarily use those words interchangeably. A dispute has the connotation of a specific point of contention. A conflict, on the other hand, suggests a disagreement that may be longer-lasting or possibly broader. When a dispute erupts between or among people who are in an ongoing relationship, there may also be a conflict beneath it. It’s best to go beneath the dispute to...
Jun 03, 2021•6 min•Ep. 127
:Family Business Mediation helps families and their businesses, large or small, to deal with conflicts effectively. Family businesses are certain to face challenges, by their nature. Typically, these include: a mix of emotions and money; individuals who wear multiple hats; long-term relationships, expectations, and memories; power imbalances; and a multi-generational time horizon. This episode provides a brief overview. If you would like to dive deeper, please join Richard Lutringer, Jack Woffor...
May 27, 2021•6 min•Ep. 126
Disagreements can happen in any business relationship. Startups may face challenges unique to their nature, including issues surrounding the value that each partner is bringing to the venture, when they hope to achieve their goals, and how to onboard employees in the startup environment. Bryant describes how he came to work with these businesses, and others that attract millennials. We also discuss Bryant’s upcoming book, “The New Middle: Disagreeing with Heart and Mind When it Matters Most.” In...
May 20, 2021•24 min•Ep. 125
Gary Friedman, a highly-respected and deeply-experienced mediator, ran for local office in the small Northern California town where he had lived for 40 years. Recently, tensions had flared in town meetings over a few local issues. Amanda Ripley, author of High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out, wrote about his foray into politics in her article, “I Got Obama’d”. https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2021/05/01/conflict-resolution-politics-amanda-ripley-excerpt-484786 Starting out ...
May 13, 2021•7 min•Ep. 124
Use of Restorative Justice in criminal justice and its application in other areas have both grown in recent years. Restorative Justice has a focus beyond punishment of offenders that includes the needs of the victims. In addition to broader use in the criminal justice arena, Restorative Justice has grown in application to include schools, religious institutions, and societies at large. Howard Zehr, a Restorative Justice pioneer, offers these questions to consider if a process is accurately descr...
May 06, 2021•5 min•Ep. 123
Internal Family Systems Therapy allows an individual to support one’s own contradictory parts. Amy is a certified leadership coach who has pulled together a range of professional and personal experiences that help her serve her clients. One aspect of her coaching work is the application of Internal Family Systems Therapy. The IFS model accepts and welcomes the various parts that we each hold within us. You can learn more about IFS here: https://ifs-institute.com/ Learn more about Amy and her wor...
Apr 29, 2021•22 min•Ep. 122
When a bad conflict ends, consider carefully how to deal with any sudden and severe shift to your foundation. There is a shock. A shock to you. A shock to the other person -- or people – and a shock to the relationship itself. And it’s predictable that those shocks will have effects. What they are and when they will occur is less predictable. Often, even less predictable are the aftershocks. Don’t be thrown by the shock. Whether it’s a shock or an aftershock, try hard to avoid a knee-jerk reacti...
Apr 22, 2021•5 min•Ep. 121
Truly understanding estrangement is quite tough; clearing up some misconceptions is easier. There’s often a tilt to the misunderstanding of estrangement. A tilt to the negative, the hopeless, a belief in a guaranteed increased hardening as time goes on. There can also be a misunderstanding about how the two “sides” view the estrangement itself, even if they agree about how they started on the path to estrangement. It’s common to believe everyone chooses anger, reciprocal rejection, or a genuine ...
Apr 15, 2021•6 min•Ep. 120
Families can benefit if they leave the work of fiduciary duties to a dedicated professional trustee and focus on being a family. Marguerite describes the duties, including obligations of ethics and fairness, that trustees must fulfill. Communications with all the relevant people are essential, while also preserving the agency of an aging person. If a family member -- and not a professional -- is acting as trustee, communication is even more important because of real, imagined, or potential confl...
Apr 08, 2021•29 min•Ep. 119
Reconciliation Day, April 2nd, can serve as a catalyst to start to heal an estrangement. The late advice columnist Ann Landers created the day as a time each year to extend an olive branch of reconciliation over hurts caused by words or actions. You can learn more about its origins in the April 2, 2019 Reconciliation Day episode: https://bit.ly/2PnuhMO . Reconciliation Day can serve as a catalyst: an arbitrary day to make the first step toward ending an estrangement and reconciling. Think throug...
Apr 01, 2021•7 min•Ep. 118
Both the directness and the intensity with which we express disagreement influence the solution. A paper titled “The Directness and Oppositional Intensity of Conflict Expression” explored combinations of high or low directness and high or low intensity in expressing opposition. The best approach, according to the paper, is high directness/low intensity. In that case, the clear expression of opposition leads to a clear understanding of it. And a low intensity approach allows those involved to foc...
Mar 25, 2021•5 min•Ep. 117
Jim shares insights from his deep experience with legacy families – and shares a secret tip. Jim noted a few key points. Not all differences are going to lead to damaging conflicts. When families work to manage conflicts, it’s not just about communication; negotiation will be necessary. Families will help themselves when they work to improve skills that promote effective negotiation. Families can then carry forward a new template for their interaction, one that will better serve future generatio...
Mar 18, 2021•28 min•Ep. 116
Wise words from Desmond Tutu: “Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument.” Increasing your volume isn’t likely to win over anyone, and it might make matters worse. Improving your argument doesn’t mean make your language nastier, use big words where smaller ones would be better, or say everything twice.Instead: find the weak points in your argument and make them stronger, make the vague points clearer, be specific, and think through the likely objections of the other person. The point of all ...
Mar 11, 2021•5 min•Ep. 115
March weather in some places can be like the participants in a mediation. In some parts of the world, the month of March starts cold and blustery and ends in a milder, gentler manner. The same can be true in the mediation process. People may start out frozen in their positions and feeling aggressive. By the end of the process, they may be willing to find a more temperate and more nimble way forward together. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about co...
Mar 04, 2021•4 min•Ep. 114
Enterprising families can prevent nasty conflicts by embracing governance and “cleansing” Richa describes how families can adopt governance processes that fit their own situation, at the current time, and adapt them as circumstances change. Having these processes in place to address challenging issues can prevent nasty conflict from occurring. In some cases, a family benefits from a “cleansing” to bring to the surface underlying, ongoing conflicts before building a new foundation for family and ...
Feb 25, 2021•25 min•Ep. 113
Talking about why a prenup makes sense before a potential life partner is involved prevents unnecessary conflict. The idea of a prenup can cause hurt and anger in the person who is asked to sign one. A large part of the problem is the feeling that that being asked to sign one means that the spouse or, more likely, the intended spouse’s parents “don’t trust me!” or “don’t like me!” If the parents discuss their feelings about the benefits of a prenup before their offspring are likely to meet a pot...
Feb 18, 2021•6 min•Ep. 112
Approaching conflict the same way repeatedly and expecting different results is “insanity”. Three different perspectives on handling conflict effectively suggest that taking the same approach to conflict over and again and expecting different (and, implicitly, better) results is “insanity”. Dr. Jennifer Goldman-Wetzler’s Optimal Outcomes Method, Cinnie Nobles’ CINERGY® Conflict Management Coaching Model, and The Mediation Training Institute’s Conflict Dynamics Profile ® all encourage first recog...
Feb 11, 2021•5 min•Ep. 111
When situations resist resolution, the Optimal Outcomes Method teaches us conflict freedom. An Optimal Outcome maximizes our imagined future and reality. The method helps us to understand the conflict loop, to break the conflict pattern, and free ourselves from the loop. Learn more about Jen’s book, Optimal Outcomes: Free Yourself from Conflict at Work, at Home, and in Life at https://jengoldmanwetzler.com/the-book/ . Multiple free resources are available at https://jengoldmanwetzler.com/resourc...
Feb 04, 2021•27 min•Ep. 110
Unity of values or purpose can overcome a lack of unanimity on details. If unity requires that everyone is in unanimous, complete, agreement on every detail, then unity will be impossible to achieve in all but the smallest or the most rigid of groups. Better to have unity of values or unity of purpose and then live with the lack of unanimity on the smaller points. But one thing is crucial: We all can more easily embrace unity and live with a lack of unanimity when the process for making decision...
Jan 28, 2021•6 min•Ep. 109
Christopher Earle coined an excellent phrase about winners and losers.Be humble in victory and gracious in defeat. Conflict often ends with some as winners and some as losers. The current winner can become the loser next time – and vice versa. The choice we make – and it is a choice – about how to behave should reflect our own sense of honor. It’s true, too, that others will notice how we conduct ourselves and remember it in the future. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest?...
Jan 21, 2021•6 min•Ep. 108
Research and support for family firms is relatively new in Africa, a key motivation behind Tsitsi’s work. She knew about the work of family firms from an early age – both those that thrived and those that failed. An entrepreneur at heart, Tsitsi has become passionate about helping African family enterprises network, learn, and receive the recognition they deserve. She recently earned Certificates in Family Wealth Advising and Family Business Advising from the Family Firm Institute. You can learn...
Jan 14, 2021•29 min•Ep. 107
