Divine forced timeout, I'm on a journey healing my sexual orgasmic self; my thoughts, feelings and sensations around men. I had a no touch experience with another and an erotic touch class where all my body and I asked for was to have my hair brushed by a man. I listened to my body not wanting sexual touch nor give sexual touch- felt good to listen to my heart when possibly my sexual being desired for more. Perhaps this is a gentle union within me: my firey sexual almost insatiable being meeting...
Oct 16, 2023•16 min
When shift happens it appears all is breaking down, I woke up with lyrics, the song Chasing Cars.
Oct 12, 2023•12 min
I had a revelation. New dbt card reading. Thanks for being here listening to my brief stutter from excitement☆
Oct 10, 2023•11 min
More heart scars, had more loss. Maybe I sit in this and let it break me open more wide. Now when I make connection and intimate sexual connection, I will be with more presence not constricting with fear about an ending hurting. Maybe I'm afraid of this breaking me too apart.
Oct 02, 2023•16 min
The porn phase is great but doesn't last. After is the real risk taking and where the work is. If there is enough connection for me in other areas aside from good sex I'm rolling up my sleeves and doing the work- mine. Working on my responding rather than reacting really taking long, hard looks in the mirror. Clearly I get lost in a disappointing thought and my avoidant makes an appearance.
Sep 26, 2023•9 min
Woke up with Mooji on the mind. To not feed monkey mind and yet not turn it away, compassion for self. I've been finding tenderness for myself. First time in months I woke up without fear and with child like curiosity eager to see the signs the Universe does love me. A dbt card reading. I don't know where I'm going and it's okay to not know the how as long as I know know my why: love (safe space, compassion for self and others, see you and to be seen by you) Thanks for being here, until the flip...
Sep 23, 2023•9 min
Spiraled into unhealthy activities. Terrible background noise in the neighborhood. So maybe less will listen anyhow. I fell back into being servant to thoughts. Stuttered a bit. I would like to have space for us to divulge our shadow monsters and still hold other. I'm hurting from sexual trauma in need of ass'istance healing, maybe my cock worship is projection. I would love and fear for a man to hold space for me to be with my sexual body. I refuse to be jaded. Compassion and sympathy for men h...
Sep 20, 2023•15 min
The song Wrapped Around Your Finger, by The Police played in my mind while waking this morning. At first I thought this was about my current D/s relationship but realize it's deeper...the tables have turned, servant becomes the Master! Come listen to this and my tics as I become more aware as I anal'ize this song! Thanks for being here~
Sep 18, 2023•20 min
Quick good night. Dealing with depression as I detangle myself from an over emotionally investment in another with little interest in return. Finding things daily that move me positively. Return of the barefoot hike too.
Sep 18, 2023•8 min
Been drawn to her work of late, my sex life wonderful with the erotic is missing textures of romance, love, and shared sex magick- too much sovereignty is like masturbating with strangers for me. Let's tongue our hearts, lick it. I mess up, yet I decided to leave it, the whole of me.
Sep 11, 2023•12 min
Discovered this and seems to fit current stories. Why body and heart experience dissonance, I can't relax with men that can't have sex with their hearts. Suppressing energy takes energy which is why I can feel drained. Finding a sexological body worker to help with my trauma to give me the space to explore good sex may be good enough. My senses are intense in my world and sex for me is almost like the first time everytime. I may not find an equal that can hold space for my sexual intensity rathe...
Sep 04, 2023•25 min
Clearly stories. I even went balls to the wall on a website oversharing, needing to be seen when I could sit with self. I've since been meditating. Discomfort. Lonely place when there isn't "the one" to lean on during health issues. When to leave a relationship- toxic or dysfunctional. Currently neither of which is happening in any of my close relationships and meeting potential dates postponed until recovery. Make it to the end? :) Thanks for being here.
Sep 04, 2023•22 min
I fantasize-Yes play on words. Speaking of words, I wanted to feel those words in my mouth, "my boyfriend". Bed sex- what's that like? And all day sex? Seconds or thirds? I dream of a side of vanilla while I talk about being someone's girlfriend. The difference I feel in having a partner vs. Boyfriend. Thanks for being here!
Aug 21, 2023•11 min
just cause of Megadeath's song was in my head. He once made me a xmas gift for me he said. Play person played a recording of a song he 'made for me'. I think my brain took 'made about me' and turned it into 'for me'. I never heard it again even though my gift and I've asked a couple of times for it. I suspect, with thoughts that it was for his friends about me. A lump in my throat. My fantasies are out of control. I now keep a mental list active with our incompatibilities as a reminder he's not ...
Jul 21, 2023•16 min
He ended it before we in person met. No back date even. Great phone connections, chemistry, even good communication. Days later, he messaged me his list of reasons why it wouldn't work. Not heart broken, scarred a little. I cried. A lot I cried. Then realized that door closing means there are so many here left unopened! Desensitizing rejection. And finding wholeness in that I will be alone for the rest of my life. One reason, his last, did he save the best for last? My worst. I'm old. He said he...
Jul 12, 2023•19 min
I took an erotic touch class then stayed for the party after. An experience. Pleasant. Eye opening. And concluded, I if were to be a slut I would need to dissect the heart from the body; orgasms from strangers are not a thing for me. I don't even want to desensitize my heart to keep trying to have heartless orgasms. I think I'm too on the spectrum, a heart to heart connection helps me get out of my space, sharing this beautiful experience of connection deeply with another. It was a good time. I ...
Jul 10, 2023•27 min
Having a tough time with the autistic portion of my brain. I sometimes would love to have a handler so I can check out for the day. Learned about the fuck zone and how this will affect how I have a need to have a good sexual connection first before I want anything more. I can feel my avoidant side wanting to run. Compartmentalizing, if I am leaning and learning to love and accept my whole self why wouldn't I want to share that; see and be seen. I was married to a sexless "friendship". Maybe the ...
Jul 04, 2023•12 min
Preparing for dating. Thank you to the new listener that reached out tastefully. Thanking my play person for being so tasty and using instincts to guide and drive. Beginning thoughts on dating.
Jul 04, 2023•11 min
To add, the term 'body count' is awful to me, I value highly sexual intimacy and sexual acts with another. People to me are not disposable products. Also when I say low value in the audio I want add, doing something so frequently without forethought, mindlessly more out of habit or addiction without conscious awareness is a low value action/activity to me. I have a new podcast I've been following, it's about men. I want to learn all I can to help me become a better partner. This episode about bo...
Jun 26, 2023•11 min
Maybe this is the flipped version. Sensing a need for quiet as a new version of me unfolds. Curious in my space I hold self as I experience every emotion. I am observing loss, sadness, heartbreak, loneliness, fear, overwhelm, small, meek, underwhelm, strength, eagerness, hope, faith, excitement, arousal, aloneness; I am not stuck as I move through recognizing and releasing emotions through experiences. Checked out to check in, we are so lucky, thanks for having been here. Po Box 1407 Lake Steven...
Jun 13, 2023•16 min
Last ketamine session is soon. I needed another hike to get out of my head. The voice in my last session said the hike is where to learn more about myself.
Jun 07, 2023•18 min
Heard a biology professor give his take why the concept of it being biology men desire younger pussy is false, conditioning and not supportive to women and even toxic to men. As I feel I am desiring a partnership void of settling down to get married but rather to grow from and grow with, I'm seeing some men my age chase young women in their 20's or even younger. I'm curious about my aging and support yours too but have difficulty supporting those that remain blind to their projections and not on...
Jun 05, 2023•13 min
Better trip. Got very sexual I about had an orgasm!
May 27, 2023•9 min
Rough trip this was. So many negative variables.
May 27, 2023•6 min
Gearing up for 2 more treatments this week, letting flow, not grasping is challenging. I still have from 25 years ago my license plate frame talking about Witchy Woman from the Eagles. I'd some day love to visit Winslow AZ, cause I'm a girl my lord, in flatbed ford slowin down... mixing music and real life- a live soundtrack adds so many colors and layers of vibration. When someone says, "I don't/can't sing." I think nonsense, just do it. I decide I do sing and can sing as long as I have breath ...
May 23, 2023•38 sec
I trust myself being a healthy partner for another. I'm ready to experience another version of myself. Not craving, nor seeking, just open for an experience.
May 22, 2023•8 min
Fearful thoughts crept. Light at the end of the tunnel.
May 22, 2023•19 min
I will use every tool available to me for my personal growth and development. Even more when it comes to mental health- I have been experiencing depression. Severe enough to consider medication again which is not something I want to do as it masks my emotions, I prefer to feel my feelings even the difficult ones. I have 4 more sessions and am super hopeful and excited about these experiences. Thank you for being here.
May 22, 2023•12 min
A conscious partner. “...spontaneity is a myth, committed sex is premeditated sex, it’s willful, it’s intentional, it’s focus and presence.” Esther Perel“
May 15, 2023•10 min
A man in my group arouses me, just because he shares his internal experience, validates mine and even mirrors. My authentic class I look forward to, to be with my body and be with others' internal experiences. I found myself irritated and overstimulated I only wanted to be with sounds. Jolly fun to hear him say he was thinking of what good words to say after I shared that the sound of his voice was soothing to my ears and brain. Thanks for being here~
May 03, 2023•10 min
