Met someone organically, ended before it began. Rejection doesn't feel good certainly without explanation is worse, not afforded closure. However I am filled with curiosity about this venture of dating after a physical break.
ASMR style a paragraph to enjoy about a favorite part of mine on him... Thanks for being here.
Creating intentional space and time for bodies to express gratitude for the other, no words just natural reactions. Words can be twisted or misconstrued even lose meaning. I love the idea of making an intentional plan, a gratitude date. Gentle guidance following natural reactions giving space for the energy to unfold.
I am not the stories that I am a prude or a tease protecting my parts. Why, as an exhibitionist, is it that I do not share pussy pictures or many revealing pictures. Also, at the end, I have a thought, the religious belief to not worship false idols. What if they, or Jesus, meant to not worship the image of another, a person. Doing so is just projecting self rather than a connective experience. We are meant to see and be seen, witness and experience each other. Thank you for being here....
What if my attachment is really to the story of sharing my joy, telling a new partner how much I appreciate them? That I don't really crave a partner it's more the expressing. So I expressed here what I would say to my partner of a few months. This felt like a good release. Then my therapist said, "What if really all this was a conversation needed to be had to you from you?" YES since we all really project. I may have just needed to tell myself all these things....nonetheless it's relaxing and a...
How I connect and connect through sex. Maybe my spectrum autistic brain has me feel so separate from others, out of touch, I need "our" presence, our awareness of awareness to know you and I are here together in this moment. Or it's just me having an experience, alone. I am understanding my wiring more, to see you and be seen. And it's *slough* (sluff). I was super sick and scared but I made it alone.
Beautiful sun and a strong desire to be outdoors, he calls for a hike! Thanks for being here Contact po box 1407 Lake Stevens, Wa 98258
I passionately reacted to a podcast's guest when he said to use humor when a man has lost his erection. I even react to the word 'lost'! Carl Jung, "I'd rather be whole than good." I would like awareness around the subconscious messages we continue to give to our bodies. I even dislike how sometimes 'soft' is used in conjunction with cock. Cock in all phases is wonderful! I momentarily got lost in some dick puns...it was hard to stay ahead. :) (apologies to past boyfriends, lovers, one night sta...
A quickie for the face is a smile! A dbt card for your day and a boundary I'm working on as I recently discovered incongruity can occur between my body and my heart. Now I check in frequently with my heart and body, "Whatcha doin?" Thank you for being here
Dbt card #20. Reading from Dr Sue Morter "108 Ways To Embody Your Magnificence" (and my many times I am tongue tied saying "magnificence"! Thank you for being here :)
Day 1-3 after a session when my dopamine levels drop. Number, sensation, emotion, self care provided? Day 0 is play session Day 1 lots of emotions, full range, desire to bond Day 2-3 less oscillating Final thoughts. I love being my own science experiment would love to find a partner as much into personal development as myself. Using the relationship as self discovery holding each other accountable in a safe gentle space while having copious amounts of sexy and vanilla copulations. Even so much a...
A quick reading of a dbt tip...just the tip ;) I have known sexual energy ebbs and flows but just realized the energy can vary in degree/vibration level through out the day. I've been seeing nre within myself that I haven't experienced since I was 12. I'm becoming my own wholesome partner. I am open and excited to the time I have a partnership to which I get to see myself in a healthy, loving, challenging wholesome relationship. Thanks for being here
I didn't discover James Nestor on batgap, it was another podcast. I went to my first breathwork class and had an amazing experience. I'm addicted. Healing feminine means receptive space can be held for the masculine.
Good bye good bye good bye you were bigger than the whole sky, you were more than a short time...22 blew, 23 is for me!
After some reading on Awakened Love and listening to a podcast about Dopamine I had thoughts going through my mind. All of sudden someone/something outside of these thoughts made me aware of these thoughts. I then released feelings of attachments to my body and released feelings of attachment to those thoughts; it was amazing!
I needed a break and could use some tree hugs while unloading my troubles. Here with these 5 minutes, I read some stories I posted about trees. A quick listen before bed. Thank you for being here.
An after almost dissection session...reconnection after almost a severance. How did I see fire and still encourage myself to walk towards it? I can trust myself. A lot of my questions were answered, I no longer have to feed my fantasies, my energy better served elsewhere. Find a relationship filled with motivation, mine is dopamine via sexual connection, to face your friction and the things that brings discomfort. Sit with discomfort. Relationships do not have to all follow the same traditional ...
Mmmmmasochist: THE VOW Mmmmmmmmmmmmasokisssssssssed The cycle Sickness Sick The crave To the oral fix. Late to the show Takes the hand A loud smack on her flesh Breaking in a sting to her ass Welting a rosy red glow. Entrance to her heaven Wetness The bliss Neural pathways light up The goo in her brain Becomes sweeter than the memory of his one time kiss. Her heart races Sweat begins to bead His hand on her flesh Her hunger His need? Needles in haystacks Her sadist, her match Lights her on fire ...
My account closed again, this time I'm good to leave it closed. Toxic men reactive to disappointment and rejection. I suspect I won't find a partner through these dating apps that are really dopamine traps. I seek to be supported, safe, seen and significant in another’s life. After the new year I will be open to receiving such connections/relationships. Last sessions with play partner our experiences were vastly different and had I had insight about his plan, mine would have been less about my h...
Real time clarity about my drops. In a drop I've decided this is shit and I need to remember how shitty it is, to think twice about playing because drops can be shitty. Then at the end I see what the brain is doing because of chemicals trying to balance, returning to stasis in my brain. For contrast I add at the end a recording I made while I was in a high state from dopamine. These large drops don't happen often. Contrast of two different states. Also reflected momentarily on relationships that...
I am on the other side of a health scare and my being feels different. Sogyal Rinpoche, "Don't mistake understanding for realization, don't mistake realization for liberation." What others, including myself, knew what would transpire, I still did not stop the experience as I have received valuable lessons about myself and about others. This was first session after I was cleared at the 11th hour at a double biopsy. I recorded a lot of thoughts I witnessed after the session. I witnessed a disconne...
I cry, a bit. I've learned to let go of stories about people including their stories therefore it's just their light I am with. I realized I was attached to stories not people. I'm reaching the boiling point with a current health challenge. Finding presence with current moments. Zoom out and easily can become detached, too close and suffer with possible attachment. Amazed how many emotions I go through in a day and free from attachment to any of them. Condition from that need for a romantic part...
"...experiencing actually is our self. It's not that there's a self that's experiencing things; the experience is everything." From the book by Bruce Tift, Already Free, discussing Alan Watts view on the self. This frees me from the sense of being cornered, feeling things happening to me or at me. This shift leaves me with expansion and abundant possibilities. My first awareness of being online, of being a person was when I was 2 or 3; I became aware of my body....
Hey I don't cry here! I read a section in the book by Bruce Tift, "Already Free Buddhism Meets Psychotherapy On The Path Of Liberation" I have a couple of tics (I woo-hoo and an excited exhale- this is part of my tics/stems) from excited awareness! I went and pulled from the vault, a recent experience, I expose of myself and in the process I capture my self actualizing. This book has been so helpful releasing the anxious death grip I have on thoughts. Also realizing I have been avoiding myself a...
I found this piece and it inspired to me to read aloud. I have been experiencing too much time in my head with wounded ego no longer feeling desired. Reading this brought back sensations in my body when I did feel like prey. Thank for the much needed dopamine bump. From The Depths by Pandoras-Fox Thank you for being here.
Out of my element. My tics are active. Poor girl from thenhood going to a swanky lodge. Can't afford but intuition said to go. Also therapist hurt me with an image. I cross boundaries pulling people into my house when they'd rather stay outside and peer through my bedroom window. I'm witnessing fear. Doing new things, health stuff, jeep stuff, and sticking to boundaries. Met a new possible friend and just exchanged intentions.
Researched some about women with autism spectrum and sexuality/intimacy. I do have boundary issues even with myself. Is it possible to find hot sexual chemistry and then develop a deep loving friendship?
I break my Timeout Tuesday to share a brief writing inspired from play.
Busy full day. Therapy too, spent my session crying with her about my deceased friend and about my desire to know and share heart spaces with others. None to worry no tears this episode. Thanks for being here.
Didn't get a chance to hug him. I did tell him once how his wonderful laugh brightens my shitty days. Suicide. Stigma asking for help.
