On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather is breaking down the pre-holiday anxiety we are all feeling in the back of our throats. The next week is going to be filled with family fights, food sensitivities and lots of farts! Heather walks you through your step by step Holiday survival guide so that you don't lose your shit on your Aunt Regina before the mashed potatoes even hit the deck. She hits the Absolutely Not-line and tries to give some sage advice to fellow stressed out holida...
Nov 23, 2022•1 hr 12 min•Ep. 181
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is fresh from a weekend of shows in Florida. She was not invited to Tiffany Trump's wedding but instead spent the weekend slingin' jokes and searching for a new therapist in West Palm. There is something bout that Florida humidity that stirs up forgotten emotions and family trauma. We are working through all the feelings leading up to Turkey Day and answering your questions on the Absolutely Not Line. Sponsors: Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY an...
Nov 17, 2022•1 hr 11 min•Ep. 180
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather is fresh from her trip to Space Camp, aka a weekend of shows in Huntsville. She met a scientist at a bar that told her we only got a few weeks left- and wondered why can't the aliens fix our heavy periods? "Surely some bitch in outterspace knows how to stop a heavy flow?"- ya know that kinda vibe. Sponsors: Check out Squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your f...
Nov 09, 2022•1 hr 6 min•Ep. 179
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather is fresh off her comedy special taping weekend- full of gratitude and adrenaline. She witnessed a fight over a snack break in the back kitchen of a salad joint and was ready to jump in and pop off, if need be. She's back with her weekly dose of unsolicited advice such as- "How to spice things up in the bedroom" to "Is it ok to eat del taco alone in your car to avoid your in-laws?" Sponsors: Athletic Greens is going to give you a FREE 1-year ...
Nov 02, 2022•1 hr 19 min•Ep. 178
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather has a few biohacks for her early girlies. She hits the Absolutely NOT-line and comes up with a genius idea of how to start a men's therapy group under the full disguise of a man named Harry. Sponsors: Start your 100-day trial and shop the entire Away lineup of travel essentials, including their best-selling suitcases and bags at AwayTravel.com/absolutely Athletic Greens is going to give you a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D...
Oct 26, 2022•1 hr 15 min•Ep. 177
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast Heather has a very exciting announcement for the new tour! It's a big one! She hits the Absolutely Not Line only to give life changing advice for a young listener, help a woman keep her job at the gym and navigate what to do if you've dated a murderer. Sponsors: Go to squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain Right now, Modern Fer...
Oct 19, 2022•1 hr 16 min•Ep. 176
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast Heather recounts a scary moment from Trader Joes, how her life flashed before her eyes and why she was mad at Robin. She also hits the Absolutely Not Line- We've got grown men sucking on hard candy while they sleep, children getting tattoos, Ole Randy shits the bed and more! Sponsors: Check out Brooklinen.com today for their luxurious home and bedding essentials, and use Promo code [absolutelynot] for $20 off plus free shipping on your purchase of $1...
Oct 12, 2022•1 hr 24 min•Ep. 175
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast - Heather hits the hotline to answer questions like " Why Kentucky" and " How do I stop scrolling the internet for my ex's"? The fact that folks come to Heather for actual advice is alarming but dammit she's hitting the advice line HARD. Heather also has a guided meditation for anyone over 30 who is feeling the weight of the world. Sponsors: Go to DailyHarvest.com/absolutely to get up to forty dollars off your first box. Check out squarespace.com/abs...
Oct 05, 2022•1 hr 1 min•Ep. 174
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is back from her trip to Detroit with a new respect for the thin women of Michigan and the attitude of the TSA precheck staff. She hits the hotline and asks the age old questions like "Why dont Boomers drink water?" to "Do people in Charleston have pubic hair?" Sponsors: Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $30 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely30 Get a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting vitamin ...
Sep 28, 2022•1 hr 17 min•Ep. 173
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather hits the Absolutely Not Line and the voicemails are SHOCKING! One caller is getting fired from her job for being with child, while another is out-of-the-blue allergic to pulled pork. It's literally a game of survival. We have deep embarrassing confessions and some triggering core memories. No stone is left unturned on this insane episode! Sponsors: Head to Squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use OFFE...
Sep 21, 2022•1 hr 12 min•Ep. 172
On this week's episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast - Heather is back after way too many difficulties joined by best friend of the show, Raymond Padilla. They talk about everything from the royal family to Ray almost losing an arm after his monkey pox vaccination - and Robin joins in after being bamboozled by the MOMA. Sponsors: Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months at Visitritual.com/ABSOLUTELY Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE...
Sep 15, 2022•1 hr 4 min•Ep. 171
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather hits the hotline with some wildly new and improved SCAMMMMS! After a weekend of dealing with Robin's international catfishing fiasco, Heather is on High alert to the tricks and deals y'all are trying to pull. As if we didnt have enough shit to deal with already- The hotline is filled with 1200 back cracks and a frantic 911 call from Australia! Sponsors: Head to squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to sav...
Sep 08, 2022•1 hr 19 min•Ep. 170
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather hits the Absolutely Not Line to solve the world's problems. However, after the first voicemail she quickly realizes we need to call animal control. On this week's episode- we've got a lady with a bat in her designer bag, a lady on a cruise to nowhere, and a mom trying to navigate how to save teenagers from turning to the darkside! Sponsors: Athletic Greens is going to give you a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE tr...
Aug 31, 2022•1 hr 13 min•Ep. 169
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather has business consultant and friend, Raymond Padilla come to the Absolutely Not Headquarters for a full take over. It's the Board Meeting no one wanted to sit down for, but absolutely needed to attend. We're getting our ducks in a row while simultaneously fixing the world's problems by using the 5 pillars of efficiency. Ray also asks for donations at the end because Heather is sure as hell not paying him for his time or knowledge. Get a FREE ...
Aug 25, 2022•1 hr 2 min•Ep. 168
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is reporting live from the PANHANDLE of Florida, aka 30A. She is back from Mississippi and narrowly skirted death on the highway, only to have a new lease on life. She is taking no bullshit and dishing out some of the best advice she's ever given from the hotline. Like- Why heterosexual couples should never own catering companies- to what to do if your teeth are falling out. That and more! Check Out Squarespace.com/absolutely for a free tria...
Aug 17, 2022•1 hr 3 min•Ep. 167
On this week's episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- After a wonderful weekend back in the college town of Athens, GA- Heather is shooketh to her core taking a walk down memory lane- the nostalgia of sorority row, the tequila shots from locals are all flooding back to her hypothalamus. She hits the Absolutely Not Hotline to fight with a woman who doesnt like Tang- another broad bitching about getting a titty on her back during a massage- and makes a public apology to the Mid Atlantic. Right now...
Aug 10, 2022•57 min•Ep. 166
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast Heather is wondering if her August invite to the hamptons got lost in the mail? So weird- no one has invited her to stay at their mega mansion while Robin skeets down the long island highway on a crotch rocket on her way to a tj maxx. She hits the Absolutely Not line in hopes that the invitation is on the voicemails.. but looks like she'll have to wait till next summer. Check Out Squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to l...
Aug 03, 2022•1 hr 2 min•Ep. 165
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast Heather is hitting the Absolutely Not Hotline to answer your hard hitting questions- like "Why can't we make Tanning Booths a thing again" or "What should I do if I have Alopecia on my head but not my crotch". Heather dissects her own quarter life crisis while simultaneously helping your figure out yours- its a real team effort this week! Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolut...
Jul 27, 2022•1 hr 6 min•Ep. 164
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is back from her whirlwind year long honeymoon. While she should feel refreshed, renewed and wildly in love- she is lucky to not be in an italian jail cell after clearly spending TOO MUCH TIME with her husband Jeff. She breaks down the importance of communication, how much wine she drank every day at lunch and her plans to do it all over again. Check out squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OF...
Jul 21, 2022•1 hr 1 min•Ep. 163
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast - Heather chats with fellow comedian and newly single pal, Jared Freid. They break down the hard truths of what it's like to navigate show biz, inspire folks with humor and have someone literally NOT be a fan. Jared breaks down his new- on-the-scene dating horrors and these two giggle like thelma and louise over how TikTok will slowly kill us all. Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Athletic Greens is going to give you o...
Jul 13, 2022•49 min•Ep. 162
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather sits down with her favorite grumpy old man- comedian Andrew Collin. They dissect his new life living with a lady, reminisce on Spring Break in Destin and he helps Heather understand why Jeff packed a scale in his carry-on. Check out squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code [ab...
Jul 06, 2022•1 hr 5 min•Ep. 161
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather interviews the queens of the southern hair empire, Salty Locks, Britt and Amber Harrington. They discuss working with family, a female run business and explain why the alligators near the nuclear plant in Augusta got 3 legs and an attitude. These girls mean business while also keeping it real country and that's why we love them! Athletic Greens is going to give you one FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting vitamin D AND 5 free travel packs...
Jun 29, 2022•59 min•Ep. 160
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather chats with her genuine friend, Jackie Schimmel. They discuss their summer plans to move to Europe, Eat all the food, lay horizontal and release their aggression on innocent bystanders through shoving and pushing tourists. It's unhinged, it's dialed in and it's insane. Head to squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain....
Jun 22, 2022•54 min•Ep. 159
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather has had a fully mental breakdown from the complete shitshow that has been her wedding prep. She has finally turned into one of THOSE brides and is about to hoard the wedding gifts and tell everyone to fuck off. Honestly- she's probably spending too much time in her sauna bag and its quickly kiling off her brain cells- but who is even paying attention anymore. She hit the Absolutely Not line- She's unglued, unhinged and unwell! Go to Zocdoc.c...
Jun 15, 2022•57 min•Ep. 158
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather hits the hotline- only to double down on the fact that women might be the REAL scammers. We've got a lady running an ER out of her garage, A time traveler, a handful of bad drivers and a sweet woman named Abby prepping for a colonoscopy- All that and more! Check out squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Match wit...
Jun 08, 2022•56 min•Ep. 157
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is back from her final farewell tour performance. Just when she thought it was time to get an IV drip of propofol for her medically induced coma, her friends throw her a surprise party filled with drag queens, secrets and snacks! Heather breaks down what a wild week its been and also hits the Absolutely Not Line and more! Go to athleticgreens.com/absolutely for a FREE 1 year supply of immune supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with ...
Jun 01, 2022•1 hr 5 min•Ep. 156
On this episode of the Absolutely not podcast, Heather is letting you know, School is out for summer and bitch we are fully booked! It doesn't matter if you are hustlin' as a lifeguard, taking the kids to camp or treating yourself to a hoagie by the highway, Summer 2023 bout to be on and poppin! Visit Brooklinen.com and use Promo code [absolutelynot] for $20 off your purchase of $100 Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolut...
May 25, 2022•55 min•Ep. 155
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather takes you down memory lane and drives you right into the "Core MeMories" of your childhood- from the sheer joy you'd feel on a field trip day, to the sadness you felt if your mom was late to chaperone- It's a whirlwind of emotion and its all flooding back after hitting the Absolutely Not Line. Check out squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purc...
May 20, 2022•1 hr 1 min•Ep. 154
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is back south of the border from her weekend of shows in Toronto. After getting held up at the border, listening to a threesome all night and crushing an international Nordstrom- she lives to tell about it- We also have a surprise appearance from Robin McMahan to spill the tea on the latest suburbian drama! Get 5% off + a free Pique sampler pack (with 6 of their best-selling flavors) when you purchase 2+ cartons with code ABSOLUTELY at pique...
May 11, 2022•1 hr 4 min•Ep. 153
On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast - Heather is back in the LA studios fresh from a midwest weekend on tour. She's working, but apparently not enough to save her from being humbled in a burger joint by general manager who takes his job REAL serious. Head to squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Match with your dedicated therapist today at talkspace.com , a...
May 04, 2022•1 hr 10 min•Ep. 152
