Episode description
Surrendering to the universe isn't easy... in fact, it's pretty scary.
It might even seem like you're playing a game of chicken with fate.
That’s what it feels like right now. I’m staring down the uncomfortable barrel of a dark one lane freeway tunnel driving 90. There’s some headlights ahead, and my ego is telling me to turn the goddamned wheel. What the hell are you doing?
Bro, trust me, go YOLO at a beach party where you can drink unlimited white claws and hang out with tanned beach babes frolicking in the sand. It’s 2021 for goodness sake! You’re not getting any younger!
Quit trying to kill us both!!
And the ego keeps screaming.
My legs are shaking.
I don’t want to keep going forward.
But I have nowhere to go back to.
I have burned my boats.
I’ve annihilated my past identity.
I refuse to settle for the scraps from the table I used to have, no matter how easy they were.
And the headlights that mean a full, crushing death to my ego and the life I once had draw slowly, painfully closer.
It’s me and the universe now.
I’ll be damned if I go home without a miracle. So I’m gunning forward with nothing to lose.
Nobody told us faith would be so hard.
Nobody told us death of the ego would take so long.
I don’t know about you, but my ego is a resilient bastard.
I’ve tried burning it out with meditation, gratitude, habits, and all that.
But it’s found some way to survive.
So the only thing I could do is burn it all. Like a phoenix gambling for a glorious rebirth, I throw it all away.
I drive to the flames, headfirst to that sensation called surrender.
But the universe doesn’t come closer.
I start to get angry, desperate…. Mad.
“Who is fucking with me?” I scream
And then I realize the ego has taken the wheel.
My headfirst plunge to the center of the flames has become a slow orbit.
All I can do is laugh.
I turn and look at the ego and shake my head in pity.
Let’s see who holds out longer.
It’s you and me now.
There is no going backward.
One of us is coming out of this alive and it sure as hell isn’t goin to be you.
And the ego shuts up, sits back in the passenger seat and we throttle the engine back to that place of surrender. That place of letting go.
One day, we will get there.
And today, I accept that it won’t happen on my time.
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