Our work was done. We'd said all we needed to say. We apparated from this world, much like monks who retreat to a mountaintop hovel. Only for us, we apparated via Greyhound and hoveled in an abandoned Bauxite mine outside Eufaula, Alabama. Everything was going great. We each had our own little cavernlet in which to do our alonetime ablutions and adult irrigations, and every evening we gathered by the pile of old cigarettes to tell stories and scratch each others' bug bites. We chopped wood, and ...
Apr 04, 2020•38 min•Transcript available on Metacast Whether you like baseball, chicken dinners, multilevel marketing, or The Price is Right , we offer several varietals of bespoke juices you can enjoy with your family for generations.
May 16, 2015•12 min•Ep 51•Transcript available on Metacast Welcome to the You Look Nice Today® Scat Immersion Program™. No dogs, babies, or squares allowed. In preparation for your first day on campus, please learn these key phrases, as they represent your final connection with your native tongue: SCAT : Gom zibby, glom zibby, bop zibby domp! ENGLISH : Please, do not raise your voice; I have a terrific heroin headache. SCAT : Bomp ZEE bop! Spoo-da-lee BEE zot? ENGLISH : Has this pepper spray you’re selling me been “stepped on?” SCAT : ...
Nov 02, 2013•46 min•Ep 50•Transcript available on Metacast As part of a pilot program, The You Look Nice Today Foundation (a Delaware corporation) has recently undertaken a groundbreaking new outreach initiative to provide comfort to those in theoretical need. So, YES : we will sell, lend, or lease you a built-to-purpose condition along with its appropriate consolation. But, NO : we’re absolutely not Santa Claus. So, get real, you big fakers. In any case. Get well soon, and here’s that brief bedside visit from the late Sargent Shriver you ne...
Jan 03, 2013•28 min•Ep 49•Transcript available on Metacast Welcome to the global premiere of the International You Look Nice Today Conference & Expo™ ! Get ready for an epic showcase of big-idea ideations and tactical tactics to be held in the picturesque Los Altos Community Centre, December 2nd 2012 ! Join old colleagues and make new friends in an immersive networking environment of blue-sky solutioneering and overcoats! Experience a wide-ranging and impactful offering of Keynotes, Panels, Super-Panels, Breakout Sessions, Birds-of-a-Feathers, Hands...
Dec 02, 2012•33 min•Ep 48•Transcript available on Metacast Listen. It’s actually very simple. When you buy in to the You Look Nice Today “Inverted Triangle Program™” you enter a world of theoretically unlimited income. Recruit two friends, ask them to recruit two friends, and— BOOM —you’re reviving even the most tired franchise. Mazel Tov!
Nov 02, 2012•41 min•Ep 47•Transcript available on Metacast ATTENTION! POOL RULES! Free swim Thursdays 4:00 - 4:15. Shower before entering pool. Also, shave before entering pool. This is a “Body Shame Free” zone. You must keep your eyes closed at all times. Chairs may only be saved with a passport, $50 bill, or a signed photo of Burt Reynolds. Towels available for a small fee—ask the Towel Troll for details. Water in the pool is a privilege, not a right! Just going to be honest here about going #1 and #2: going #1 is way less of a big deal th...
Oct 02, 2012•36 min•Ep 46•Transcript available on Metacast TO: Paul Polman, CEO Unilever PLC London, United Kingdom Dear Mr. Polman, I hope you can help me. You are in charge of a massive, multinational food and detergent company. So I understand that you are a very busy man. My problem, while small compared to all of the things you must worry about every day, is of dire importance to me. I have been a fan of your Ragu line of pasta sauces for many years. Specifically, I love your Ragu Robusto™ Six Cheese Pasta Sauce. More specifically, I love to have s...
Sep 02, 2012•30 min•Ep 45•Transcript available on Metacast Hello, my friend! Welcome to my humble automobile dealership! Ah, yes. Very nice. I see you eyeing our all new 2013 Toyota Scimitar with optional Sports Package and Premium Ground Effects. This favored daughter of luxury is blessed with power steering, calfskin cup holders, and eleven LCD screens. And, she is yours today, my friend, for the pittance of $32,000. Very nice! [ silence ] Ahhhhhhhhh, yes, my friend. I can tell from your ironic eyeglasses and gawky demeanor that you are the kind of ma...
Aug 02, 2012•40 min•Ep 44•Transcript available on Metacast Thieving Threesome Nabbed (California) Three men were detained and arrested at a local Target today, charged with the attempted theft of over $400 in merchandise. The men refused to identify themselves, giving only their local club affiliation: Gellies Local 416. “This wasn’t your normal grab-and-go,” said Target assistant manager Charles Monjohnson. “Like what they were wearing: fezzes, vests, and some kind of extremely roomy jumpsuit.” Also strange, he said, were ...
Jul 02, 2012•33 min•Ep 43•Transcript available on Metacast https://assets.fireside.fm/file/fireside-images/podcasts/images/5/5b98cd23-82a1-456c-8b79-5a6f36ecd015/episodes/b/b4c472d3-440f-4b45-9c84-3b745acc94e1/header_small.jpg?ver=1 Welcome to Druthers, CA ! Here are some tips for making the most of your visit with us: • Yes. Keep checking your mailbox. No, again . Faster. Now, pay it forward. • DO not touch the princess anywhere that her swimsuit would cover. • No sighing in the doughnut line. • Just stop tapping your goddamned foot fer chrissakes. • U...
Jun 02, 2012•41 min•Ep 42•Transcript available on Metacast The Stenciled Approach | You Look Nice Today on Huffduffer Summer’s right around the corner, guys. So, let’s get in gear—yes, your gear ! First, make sure you’ve got everything sorted, basketed, washed, dried, pressed, steamed, folded, blocked, shanty-towned, gathered, pinned, stapled, re-steamed, cobblered, new-jacked, and–yes– packed . To help you get your own Summer bag rolling in style, take a minute to inventory your way through our indispensable You Look Nice ...
May 03, 2012•40 min•Ep 41•Transcript available on Metacast We don’t know anyone who loves sushi more than we do. That’s because when we meet someone who loves sushi, we stop talking to them forever. Because we want to be the biggest sushi lovers we know. To honor that love, we worked with a team of chefs to create signature sushi rolls for each of us. First, we went to Japan and found some masters of the form. Then we taught them English and made them listen to all of our shows, over and over, until they had distilled the essence of each of ...
Apr 02, 2012•30 min•Ep 40•Transcript available on Metacast https://files.fireside.fm/file/fireside-uploads/images/5/5b98cd23-82a1-456c-8b79-5a6f36ecd015/aENk1CS_.jpg Unpeeling the gunt, extending the brand, and rendering a sidekick polyhedron that really scales. It’s a start.
Mar 07, 2012•35 min•Ep 39•Transcript available on Metacast “Baby City” Trad., to the tune of “Tabula Rasa” by Arvo Pärt Babies are special babies are tough babies have smooth skin NE-VER rough! Have you been to this place this magical land where everyone’s a baby (baby hearts, baby hands baby hearts, baby hands baby hearts, baby hands) Baby policeman! Baby D.A.! Baby court-appointed defense attorney! Baby bus driver! Baby hobo! Incredible babies Go babies go! Also : No thanks twins, Paregoric, Whaddaburger, Pacific Rims, ai...
Nov 03, 2010•42 min•Ep 38•Transcript available on Metacast We went, with some friends, into the woods. A few days later we left the woods. Our memory of the time we spent in the woods is a bit fuzzy; fortunately, someone thought to make an audio recording of it. This episode is about friendship. (And some other stuff. Well, mostly other stuff.) We never would have had the chance to make this if it weren’t for our friend Jesse Thorn—the brains, gumption, and do-juice behind MaxFunCon . So Jesse, this episode is for you. Throughout the month of May,...
May 19, 2010•34 min•Ep 37•Transcript available on Metacast Bankruptcy Liquidation Auction Beginning @ 9:00 AM-85 Herston Rd. Long Beach, CA Feb 8, 2010 Registration 7:30-10:00 A.M. Auction With Reserve Will Be Conducted By: Leroy D. Plaavs, III, License #KCL6232 Notice : LIQUIDATION OF THEIR 15’ x 25’ EXECUTIVE STORAGE UNIT WILL BEGIN PROMPTLY AT 7:30 ALL ITEMS SOLD AS-IS ORIGINAL OWNERS WILL LIKELY BE PRESENT, DISGUISED AS POTENTIAL BUYERS Summary : Sellers are forced, after years of negative cash flow, to liquidate their storage locker as ...
Feb 09, 2010•42 min•Ep 36•Transcript available on Metacast Subject: #1228743 “Mann” Application Date: September 4, 1980 Subject has submitted a new application to the Coolness Review Board. Note that this is Subject’s 12th separate application to the Board in just the past 2 years. No signs of progress. Pictured, above, is Subject’s self-declared “Summer Transformation.” No comment is required other than to note the outfit, which includes a web belt, painter’s pants, fake Adidas “four-striper” sneake...
Dec 04, 2009•30 min•Ep 35•Transcript available on Metacast https://files.fireside.fm/file/fireside-uploads/images/5/5b98cd23-82a1-456c-8b79-5a6f36ecd015/3RKsN4UA.jpg Hop in our decommissioned World War II tank that has been outfitted to look like the Liberty Bell. The You Look Nice Today Tour of Philadelphia Hotspots starts in 5 minutes! For just a few dollars we’ll take you on an all-day tour of The City with a Nickname. Some highlights: Discuss fonts n’ ligatures with Merlin Mann at the Benjamin Franklin Museum’s authentic replica pr...
Oct 09, 2009•33 min•Ep 34•Transcript available on Metacast While under the influence of y , we reveal that: Merlin once put x in an envelope. Scott hoped another guy’s x would draw attention away from his own -( x ). Adam = 2 x . If y = “tequila,” solve for x . Also: Belch alert. Home invasion defense strategies, Breakin’ In to find new friends, the tyranny of drinking glass etiquette, deep in Larry David territory, tip strategies, Adam’s got another ninja sword, Scott’s got a flask, Merlin’s got a cognitive bia...
Sep 16, 2009•43 min•Ep 33•Transcript available on Metacast You’re gonna love it—the guitar does this “Wheeee!” thing while the drums go all “Chukka chukka booda booda.” OK, here it comes. Shhhh! No wait, that’s not it. Almost there, just after this last chorus. Seriously, I think you’re going to love the song once you’ve heard this part. What’s that, little guy? No, Daddy’s playing his new favorite song for Mommy, so if you could go over there and wait for us. Quietly. Thanks! Huh? Sure, I don&...
Jul 30, 2009•31 min•Ep 32•Transcript available on Metacast Seattle LIVE!: April 23, 2009 We teamed up with our pals Jordan, Jesse, Go! and took the Monsters of Podcasting on the road. Our Pacific Northwest Megatour kicked off in Seattle on Thursday and finally ended in Portland, on Sunday. In between: laughs, tears, exhaustion, roadies, groupies, monkeys…typical superstar stuff. In this episode, we give a little bit back to our listeners. These are tough times. Money is tight. Luckily, we’re here to help. With Adam and Merlin’s antique...
May 22, 2009•41 min•Ep 31•Transcript available on Metacast INT. DINGY POLICE CAPTAIN’S OFFICE IN THE 80’s - NIGHT The chair behind the captain’s desk is empty. Two men sit, smoking, in folding chairs facing the desk. CABINTIRE (Adam Lisagor) relaxes in one chair; FLEECE (Emmanuel Lewis) fidgets in the other. FLEECE Cabintire, I told you, man! Captain wasn’t gonna be cool with this! CABINTIRE Put your panties back on. (Cabintire hands Fleece a pair of frilly panties.) FLEECE First of all, no, man, that’s nasty. And they ain&...
May 06, 2009•35 min•Ep 30•Transcript available on Metacast Making college affordable, restful, and culturally relevant; the cupping comforts of secondary scholarship; Adam becomes a costumed mascot and buys a new koch; how many greeting cards does it take to change (or not change) Los Altos?; Playing Marco Polo with immigrant labor; sweet corn, fresh from the tank; Leopold Bloom, Herman Blume, and the subtler hermeneutics of dysentery; abrupt Chinese c*nsorship; Merlin gets talk-blocked by a blogless Belizean zookeeper; Kraftwerk speak through a vocoder...
Mar 26, 2009•49 min•Ep 29•Transcript available on Metacast Merlin: Boy Scout Scott: Boy Scout Adam: YMCA Indian Guide
Feb 18, 2009•24 min•Ep 28•Transcript available on Metacast Listen as we conduct our exclusive pro gift-giving super-session TED Talk master class webinar. Over $600 in essential GiftWisdom™ is yours for FREE . Topics include, but are not limited to : Virtual presents Secret Santa? Secret Sucker! 1978 Holiday photography essentials Lessons from Guantanamo Bay Cinco de Nada A members-only sponsorship opportunity As a special bonus, Adam reveals his secret “Thought That Counts” method: learn how to give gifts without actually giving them ! But ...
Feb 03, 2009•30 min•Ep 27•Transcript available on Metacast 1930’s wandering troubadour Trinket Pills (? - 1939) scored a brief hit on the Wichita charts with his plaintive Ballad of Joey Nickelpuss : Th’ evil alley boys taunted him, But ole’ Young Joe made his way. Terrible crash of bowlin’ pins Th’ sound of a long long day. Rags to riches to rags it went, Th’ boy would rage and cuss. “Mama ain’t mama for me no more,” Spit poor little Joey Nickelpuss. We’re bringing back ‘ole Young Joey N...
Dec 10, 2008•39 min•Ep 26•Transcript available on Metacast If “penultimate” meant “last,” this would be the penultimate episode of our VSOP series. Thanks again to John Hodgman , Jonathan Coulton , and the sturdy padlocks on the studio doors that prevented their escape. This episode will be more interesting than average for: farmers, Québécoises, basket weavers, camp counselors, small business owners, and a capella aficionados. This episode will be less interesting than average for: dancers, hair stylists, carnies, Renaissance bu...
Dec 03, 2008•27 min•Ep 25•Transcript available on Metacast YLNT VSOP , Part II! The drugs* have kicked in, and we have reached cruising altitude. Stay tuned for the final, gripping conclusion to the VSOP series next week. Or so. A partial list of works referenced in this episode, and their creators: “Colonel Heimlich Grows a Beard” (Graham Greene) Mall, Mini-Mall, Strip Mall (M.C. Escher) Shut Up, Hick! (George Carlin) LEGO Group v. Linden (U.S. Supreme Court) Carnival Displacement (Damien Hirst) Dream of an Undiscovered Room (René Magritte)...
Nov 24, 2008•32 min•Ep 24•Transcript available on Metacast It’s YLNT VSOP , Part I! We convened a special session in San Francisco, featuring guests John Hodgman and Jonathan Coulton . Aided by Hodgman’s expertise and Coulton’s hatred of poetry, we finally got to the bottom of our most lingering questions: Why is Kevin Bacon famously uncomfortable around FAX machines ? How does Adam save the world by not wearing shoes ? What are the slam poet’s secret romantic techniques ? Why are short films so long? And also: vice versa ? Why d...
Nov 13, 2008•52 min•Ep 23•Transcript available on Metacast 
