Take a ride with Chris and Nick through the streets of Tokyo as 30 year old teenager Sean (Lucas Black) learns the ins and outs of balding his tires with ruthless efficiency in The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift . Bow Wow appears as a normal teenager who deals not drugs and Sonny Chiba classes up this movie about ten fold.
Get ready for some ancient Roman sword and sandal fun! Except for, of course, the 25 minute rape torture dungeon lull in the third act. It's Roger Cormon's Red Sonja ripoff Barbarian Queen ! Starring Phil Spector's murder victim (Lana Clarkson), the Queen embarks on an ill-conceived mission to avenge her village's destruction and rescue her hunky fiance Argan.
Journey with us, gentle listener, as we go back to a simpler time. A more wholesome time. A time before Hollywood had put the Hays Code into force. A time when America looked for a hero to create jobs, put an end to gangsterism, and finally shut down Congress once and for all! In 1933 MGM gave us such a hero in Gabriel Over the White House , the stirring story of a man getting hit on the head and hearing angelic voices that tell him to heroically bully his way into becoming a benevolent dictator...
A surprising number of good comedic actors star in this big budget squeakeuel. Alvin and the gang send Dave (Jason Lee) to the hospital with what I assume is an irreversible spinal injury, so they go off to high school to complete in some charity concert. Meanwhile their conniving former manager Ian (David Cross) uses his new act the Chipettes, a demographically equal female version of the Chipmunks, to sabotage the brothers by singing "Single Ladies" twelve times in a row. Also there's a footba...
Kristin Kreuk and Chris Klein star in this kind of sequel to 1994's Street Fighter . When Chun-Li is given a mysterious scroll, she engages in her own hero's journey to find out if her father is still alive. Or is it defeat Bison? Or clean up the slums of Bangkok? Meanwhile Chris Klein squints his way through his role as an Interpol agent hot on her heels. Or Bison's. Also everyone knows magic.
Molly Ringwald and Ernie Hudson (a.k.a. the black Ghostbuster) star in 1983's 3D Star Wars ripoff bonanza, about a Han Solo type (Peter Strauss) who travels to a desert planet to save some hot earth women from the lecherous Overdog (Michael Ironside). What is absent is a significant amount of hunting in space, and we're not entirely sure how forbidden this zone is. Produced by Ivan Reitman and part of the resurgence of crappy 3D movies in the early 80s with incredibly long names.
The movie that made Elizabeth Berkley into a household name and paid Joe Eszterhas three million dollars, Showgirls is a "camp classic," according to its own DVD box cover blurb. What can we say about Showgirls that hasn't already been said? A positive Slant article almost ten years after release called it "essential" and "an honest satire" while Ebert said it was "not quite unredeemably bad," and "less perverse than Basic Instinct " (which featured the same writer and director)....
Charles Bronson plays Batman with a gun in Michael Winner's third installment of the five-part movie series about elderly architect turned vigilante Paul Kersey, who returns to New York to wage war on a 1980s gang of reverse mohawked punks who use overwhelming numbers and unlimited resources to hassle poor old people in an inner-city neighborhood.
Larry Clark ( Kids , Bully ) breaks from his standard "teens do drugs and get in trouble" plot to present a post-apocalyptic wasteland... for teens to do drugs and get in trouble. It's kind of like Battlefield Earth , but cheaper, with worse acting, and 10,000% more recreational drug use.
Palestinian terrorists kidnap the president's daughter and demand that their comrades be set free by the Israeli government. The one man who can stop these maniacs? You guessed it: Frank Stallone!
In our special Christmas Eve episode, Chris, Nick, and special guest Emily Phillips dive in to the garbage pile and pull up this bizarre cut up of a low budget Santa slaying fiasco. After the first film was banned in a number of theaters, the producers wanted to slice up the first movie--about a damaged boy who goes on a revenge killing spree dressed as Santa Claus--into an all new less gory version. Instead, the writer and director insisted on shooting new footage, adding a psychotic and much b...
It's Michael Keaton in perhaps his greatest role: Snow Dad ! I mean, Jack Frost , the title character of the 1998 Warner Bros. family film (not to be confused with the 1997 horror film of the same name) that features CGI snow men, white guy blues music, and an adolescent dealing with his father's tragic death. Fun for the whole family!
Ayn Rand's epic 1,168 page fetishization of capitalism finally comes to the big screen. It's 2016 in OBAMA'S AMERICA and Dagny Taggart (Taylor Shilling) tries to competently run her railroad while drooling liberal strawmen attempt to stop her at every turn. Meanwhile a mysterious John Galt (Paul Johannson) kidnaps (and possibly murders) middle managers around the country.
Faye Dunaway and Peter O'Toole star in this 80s box office bomb. Kara Zor-El (Helen Slater) escapes the lost Kryptonian Argo City to retrieve the precious power source which she carelessly sucked out of the airlock. She emerges on earth as Supergirl, where she is pursued by hunks, an evil witch, and Lois Lane's teenage sister who kind of resembles Rachel Dratch.
Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery return in this much despised sequel to the Queen soundtracked 1986 movie. This time around MacLeod (Lambert) is an old mortal man with an elderly Jewish woman's voice, and Ramirez (Connery) is back from the dead, destined to destroy the giant shield around the earth and kill the needlessly evil General Katana (Michael Ironside).
Wolverine is back, baby! Hugh Jackman returns in this origin story for Marvel's favorite character, which lies in the purgatory between X3 's abject awfulness and X-Men: First Class 's complete series reboot. Pulling from the Origins comic, the film completely kajiggers Wolverine's story to make him the hero of and reason for the creation of the X-Men. Also included: bone claws, yelling "NOOOOO" a lot, modern 70s HD screens, and Gambit.
Dolph Lundgren and Uwe Boll collaborate (finally!) in this redundantly titled sequel to Boll's 2007 Lord of the Rings ripoff. This time around Boll directs a dull Army of Darkness ripoff, where Dolph plays an special forces veteran who is sent back in time (and also to another dimension) to defeat the Holy Mother and definitely not the weasel-faced King Raven.
Tom Atkins stars in this 1986 homage to horror and sci fi throughout the ages. A town is beseiged by alien brainslugs, and it's up to Detective Cameron and his college buddy Chris to stop them. Nick also regales everyone with an embarassing story in a movie theater and why he loves everyone, especially the handicapped.
Roger Corman presents this nearly forgotten Fantastic Four adaptation of the early 90s. To this day the movie isn't given a benefit of a proper release and must be acquired through grainy VHS bootlegs.
A loose cannon with a troubled past takes on a nearly impossible mission to rescue the president's daughter in a floating space prison. Starring Guy Pearce, Peter Stormare, and Maggie Grace.
A German Shepherd named Rainy (hereafter referred to as "Cool Dog") is abandoned by his family in New Orleans and makes a cross country trek to New York to reunite (by way of the Colorado Rockies).
Guns, girls, and fast car in Russ Meyer's classic 1965 skin flick. A trio of gogo dancers head out to the desert because of reasons and leave a trail of broken hearts and broken backs.
John Travolta stars in this epic sci-fi flop inspired by the psychology-hating 1,000 page novel of the same name. Chris and Nick discuss the awful cinematography, hammy acting, Razzie's mediocrity, and why John Travolta is the worst.
Paris Hilton stars in a movie so bad that Nick's famous sleep defense mechanism kicked in and he was unable to finish it. That didn't stop the duo from giving it a go. Paris Hilton and famous advertising actor Joel David Moore star in this There's Something About Mary ripoff, where JDM must get through Paris's hideous troll beast of a best friend in order to bag the sex.
Your favorite dragon-based Star Wars ripoff is on the chopping block this fortnight with 2006's Eragon, based on the Chrisopher Paolini novel of the same name based on the fictional blonde kid of the same name. Starring Edward Speleers (Eragon/Luke), Jeremy Irons (Brom/Obi Wan), Garrett Hedlund (Murtagh/Han), Rachel Weisz (Saphira/The Force), and John Malcovich (Galbatorix/The Emperor).
Wrestler John Cena runs like a fat kid with his pants too tight through 12 rounds of impossible Grand Theft Auto-like challenges in order to save his girlfriend from an insane Irish arms dealer. Starring John Cena, Aiden Gillen, and that guy from The Practice.
Chris and Nick investigate the notorious 1986 flop Howard the Duck with discussion of unconvincing special effects, George Lucas's rolodex of dwarves, and duck titties. Starring Lea Thompson, Ed Gale, Tim Robbins, and Jeffrey Jones.
Nick and Chris dig into the 1998 epic spy flop The Avengers, starring Uma Thurman, Ralph Fiennes, Sean Connery, and Eddie Izzard.
