Episode 210: From Doubt to Purpose: My Enneagram Journey

So with that being said, I want to introduce to you and bring them on Adam Breckenridge, our director of coaching, who is my dear friend. Hey, Adam, it's so great to have you here. Beth,

And so I thought, Let's go behind the scenes. Like, let's help them see why we're doing what we're doing. Let's get the backstory. Yeah, exactly. So are you ready to be authentic and real and transparent? That's all a

Like was life just all like roses and sunshine or where were you at in life? And when did the Enneagram like show up? Like what was going on in your day to day life?

So, um, and I was, um. I was working a lot, Beth, a whole lot. And I was in an environment that wasn't super healthy. And, and so, you know, you asked, was it sunshine and roses? It was a lot of anxiety. And, um, I was really anxious. Um, I, you know, was. Preaching every week and I was in a church that was large and growing with a lot of demands. I've got all these demands at home. And I, I was really filled with a lot of self doubt and a lot of anxiety in that season of my life.

I, uh, I was kind of stuck in this pattern where every week I was battling worst case scenario thoughts of, I'm going to bomb in front of everyone. You know, I've got to get up here and, and, and preach and, and, and, and I'm like, I'm just gonna, I'm going to be exposed. I don't, I don't, I don't have what it takes to keep up in this fast paced environment and, uh, tons of anxiety. And so those were kind of some of the emotions and frustrations that was going on.

You can imagine how that impacts all it impacted all of my relationships. Sure. You know, um, I remember my wife, saying to me, you know, when you're home, you're not really home, you know, because you're so in your head. And I didn't know at the time I'm a six, you know, I'm right. Yes. I've got a lot going on up here. You know what I mean? I had no awareness or language for that. I thought this was normal and it is normal for me. But I mean, I thought like. I just, I just couldn't see.

I just, I just couldn't see. And so yes, that was having a huge impact on my, the way my presence was was affecting my marriage and work relationships. And you know, as I related to my children and so that's kind of what it was like for me.

Uh, what about you? Well, what, before you discovered the Enneagram, what were some of the challenges that you you faced, you know, impacting your relationships, your wellbeing, bring me into some of that pre Enneagram

So up till that point here, we got married early. I as a type nine, I don't even know myself, you know, like we have this internal fog. And I'm just trying to go along to get along, please merge whatever I need to do to make this relationship the best, which, of course, at the time, I didn't know that's not the way to do it. That's the only way I knew to do it. But just like you, I had a lot of anxiety, but it was so different from a type six's anxiety.

As a type nine, my anxiety was completely around, um, Relationships and connection and relationships. So here I'm hyper focused on my relationship with Jeff and trying to make him happy, but then I always, always have my head trash. Right? So like we all have an inner critic and my inner critic is saying, you're not good enough. You're not a good enough wife. And this, these are not the things that Jeff says, but these are the things that I was telling myself.

But then with these two little kiddos. I'm still telling myself I'm not good enough as a mom, as a wife. And so my three part is chiming in, uh, saying you're not good enough. You need to do better. My six part is just freaking out all the time because it's like, yeah, what's around the corner. Like you better be prepared for the next thing. And, um, my nine just wants to shut down, which I did quite a bit, honestly. And I lived in this like, and. like fog all the time.

And then my type one part would show up. Of course, I don't know any of this at the time. Right. Um, but my type one part would show up and be really critical, particularly around probably Jeff more than anyone. And then my eight part would just kind of get frustrated, the whole family. So all these things were happening, but I didn't know why. And so. I felt so confused.

I felt so frustrated because all I knew, like you were saying, like the water I swam in, the only thing I knew was to people, please. The only thing I knew was to negate myself to overlook myself and to focus on everyone else and to lose sight of my passions and dreams. And so I kept doing that more and more and more and shutting myself down more and more and more thinking, Oh, well I'm being this selfless.

Christian, the selfless wife, selfless mom, I'm giving of myself, but in actuality, it was just harming all of those relationships, but I didn't know it. I was so asleep to myself and causing that, that narcotization or sleepiness more and more. So it was a really tough season, um, of being. Always anxious and always exhausted.

it was, it was a perfect storm of the season of life. We were in kind of like you're saying with y'all were in a season of life of young, married little kids. Um, that's already an anxious, exhausting. period of, of life, but, but add to the fact that we were sort of drifting through it without any awareness of our inner world and, and, uh, and, and the survival strategies we were using, which are relative to our types, which we didn't know what our types were.

We didn't know what the Enneagram was. There was just so much living. Without awareness and without tools to navigate. It was like our inner world was dominating us and we didn't even know it.

Like I would do such and such, why can't he do that back to me? Well, that's because he's, I mean, ultimately I didn't know this at the time. He's not a type nine. He doesn't see the world that way, but you know, I was so frustrated and I know he was too, because what would happen for us is that we would get in like some tension or argument and I would shut down back away. And that only felt like abandonment to him, which is his greatest fear.

So. We just kept going around and around and around with the same cycles. But again, like you said, no tools, no resources, no understanding of why it was happening. And so it was truly a season of just being. So exhausted, irritated, um, frustrated. Uh, I mean, I, I'm sure people are listening or like, Oh my gosh, I totally understand that season. And that's just where we were. And we were actually seeking help at the time.

I mean, cause we knew how much we loved each other and we were seeking help and no one seemed to really be able to bring us the clarity that we were trying to find and trying to understand until. A friend of ours who was going through his own season of grief, his counselor gave him a book on the Enneagram. And honestly, what's really interesting is that he didn't really get into the Enneagram. He didn't really read it. He actually gave us the book.

Um, he's like, Hey, my counselor said this would be really helpful. Maybe this would help you guys. And so Jeff took a look at it, but Jeff was in seminary full time and working 30 hours a week as a missionary on a campus college campus. Plus a full time dad, you know, or at least as much as he could and So he was just like he's he skimmed through the book and was like, yeah, that's kind of interesting But that's about all he could do and I have a reading disability.

I am a super slow reader so I am very choosy on what I read and typically I Start something and if it is not Like really impactful. I'm just like, nah, this is too much work. But I just devoured this Enneagram book. Like it finally opened up so much understanding, so much clarity that I was like, Oh my gosh, I, I see myself like really for the first time. Like I knew I was a nine right away when I got to the type nine, it was like, That is why I struggle the way I struggle.

That's why Jeff irritates me or whatever it was going on. Like this is going to be so helpful. And so then we wanted to figure out Jeff.

Well, he thought he was a type eight. Um, and many years later, we find out he's actually a counterphobic six. So there was a lot of kind of similarities to it, but so it gave us, but it gave us language for at least what was going on in my life. And I was able to talk to Jeff when I was struggling in new ways. Like he had finally some understanding of why I was so anxious or what was going on with my heart. And of course, this is way back at the very beginning. So I, you know, it's like.

Me on training wheels. Like I'm, I'm still not used to this, but at least we had direction. At least we knew there was a tool that would give us the clarity that we needed. And if we would just spend time working with this resource and this tool that we were hoping that eventually we could really grow, not only personally, but grow closer together as well. What was it like for you? Like, when did this all like, when did the Enneagram show up in your life? When?

When did it start to kind of really pivot and turn?

And, um, I came up for dinner, Carrie, my wife texted me, said dinner's ready. And I came up and she's got, um, she has, uh, a baby at her ankles, one on her hip. And, and, uh, one on the way. Wow. And she is, and she is finishing dinner. And she had this moment where, I mean, I'll never forget this, Beth. I come up from the basement and we lock eyes and her face was the face of fear. And she said, I don't recognize you.

And it was this really, it was a, it was a, it was a life changing moment because she just, she just, she just decided to be courageous enough to tell the truth about what it's like to be on the other side of me. And so she did it in a non judgmental, no toxic shame, just Adam. This is what I'm experiencing with you. This is what I'm noticing. This is how it's affecting me and our family.

And, and she actually used this phrase where she said, if something doesn't change, you're, I'm afraid you're not going to make it to 40. Not that I was gonna hurt. It was this, it was this, it was this like, you're just going to fall over cause you're so exhausted and anxious. That was what she was saying. So here I am, Beth, 30, early thirties. I'm just stuck because I know something has to change. But I can't see what needs to change.

And therefore I don't know how to, I don't know what I need in order to change. And you can't change what you can't, what you can't see. And so I'm trying to see myself through her eyes and I'm waking up to there's a problem here, but I feel very stuck. And so a friend of mine. Um, this is such a kindness of God that it all worked out this way. But a friend of mine put me in touch with another guy based out of the Louisville area who happens to be an Enneagram coach.

And I had never heard of the Enneagram. It was like one of those Ennea, Ennea what? Moments for me. And so I contact, I contact this person. Um, and I'm like, man, I've never paid for any kind of care. Like this is going to be an investment. Um, he assures me that it's, it's going to be worth it. So we, uh, he sends me an assessment. I take this test.

I've got a lot of skepticism as I'm taking this assessment, you know, and, um, even like as a, as a seminary trained pastor, I'm filtering all this through like the, is this thing even check out, you know, and I've got all this, but I take this assessment. I, it tells me I'm a type six and I read the report and I just feel pinned to the wall by, by what I'm reading. Yep. Then I get on my first typing call with him and he does this typing.

this typing process, which only confirm what the assessment was telling me. And the best, the best way I can describe, I really don't know how I'm not trying to be dramatic at all, but the best way I can describe it is, is it was. It was as if someone reached into my soul and flip the lights on. And all of a sudden I have language to put into words what I'm feeling, what's going on in my head, uh, what's going on in my heart. And I've really felt known.

Um, you know, it's like Psalm 139 where, you know, where the Psalmist says, search me and know me. Oh God, I felt like God was noodling around. In the depth, in the depths of me, just, just like it was the most vulnerable I've ever felt. I mean, it's so exposed, you know? Yeah. So at, which is this exhilarating experience. It's like being on a roller coaster. It's simultaneously terrifying and it's simultaneously wonderful, you know? Yeah.

And she was like, Oh, this is definitely you. And so our experience was just like yours. It's like, okay, well now we got to find out what, what are you, what's your type? And, and for our listeners, um, or viewers, like we, Carrie and I are the same type combination as you and you and Jeff. Right. So, uh, we found out she's a type nine and I'm a type six and.

It just, and then she, she started seeing the same coach and then he started working with both of us together and, um, doing like marriage work. And I mean, all of a sudden, I hate to describe it like a conversion, but you know what, you know what it was, if I was, if I were to put it in like neurological terms, it's like.

It's like everything that we knew about God's love from a left brain perspective, the things I was teaching from on Sunday, the things I was discipling and saying from the pulpit and the theology that I'd learned and studied and analyzed, um, and that I believed with my left brain. It's like all of a sudden it was, it was an integrated, Left brain, right brain experience. Like now we were like experiencing being known, being known and loved.

And I actually went through the, I actually wondered like, has anybody ever truly been able to love me? Because as anybody ever actually known me, I'm just now, I'm just now knowing me, you know? And, and so it was this really, really powerful experience for us. And we did work with our Enneagram coach for. I mean, over a year we worked with our coach, which is a game changer for me.

So, and then, and then Beth, I'm going to, I want to toss it back to you, but I want to say like, that's, that's what led me to find you. I remember after working with my coach and, and, and, and we still have a relationship, but we kind of ended that coaching relationship. I remember thinking like, I've got to find another coach who sees the Enneagram the way I see it. And, uh, and who can help me like continue to grow.

And I remember somehow stumbling across your Instagram page, which was the very, like pretty early days of it. It was like, this is like 2016, 2015, 2016 maybe. And then you and I did a Skype call. So this was like pre Zoom.

So they were like my, uh, I doctor said, They're like twins that are trying to go off in their own direction or try to read their own way. And so they're not even like working together. And so I have these awesome new glasses that have like this prism that makes them actually work together, which is amazing. But so here I am and all I can like, there's no podcast back then.

There's no. Yeah. I mean, even if there was blogging, the Enneagram was so small back then, they weren't blog, people weren't blogging. So if I wanted to learn something, I had to, to literally do it on my own and incorporate it into my everyday life, which I think is why it had such a profound effect on me.

I had to work extremely hard to understand the Enneagram because it is a very complex system, especially back then these books were like, Like a tough steak, you know, like you're one, you're trying to cut it and then you're trying to like chew it and like get it down. Like I love the Enneagram and I love geeking but sometimes I'm like, people, can you talk about it in a little bit more easy to understand way? But then it wasn't that. And so.

I had to take my time and really kind of sift through and sort through and learn and, and then just incorporate it into my everyday life, like a little bit after a little bit. And then I also, because a lot of these books, well, they weren't Christian. And so they were using terminology that was. Definitely a, it was different worldview than what we had. And so I said, Hey, Jeff, you're in seminary. You've got this, you know, theological understanding.

Can you help me to frame, you know, this portion in a way that is more, uh, aligned with a Christian worldview. And he'd be like, oh yeah, it's totally da, da, da, da, da. And I was like. Oh yeah, it makes total sense. And so we did that time and time again over the course of years. But yeah, my journey with the Enneagram, there were no Enneagram coaches back then, but I am thankful for the way when God brought it into my life and how he captivated my attention.

And actually nines absolutely love the Enneagram because we have this internal fog and it's like finally something gives us this ability to kind of wipe the fog, you know, but you know how like when you're like. In the, uh, bathroom and there's steam and like you wipe your mirror off and you're like, Hey, I can see myself. And then like five seconds later, it's all fogged up. It's all fogged up again. You're like, uh, okay.

Well, um, so the Enneagram helps us to do that, but it's only until we fully understand how to integrate it into our life, but it's kind of like us opening the door and it's like some, the actual steam gets out so you can start seeing yourself again a little bit more clearly. And. The path that I was on, God was just like, I'm going to take you through a very slow process, but one that's actually going to radically transform your life.

It's going to radically transform how you are a wife, how you are a mom and how you show up in life. But I will say it was a very long journey longer than what I see people experiencing today, because they can hop on all the podcasts. They can watch the YouTube videos. They can take courses. They can get Enneagram coaches, which I love. That's wonderful, but it was just different, a different path for me. But I think that path allowed me to be who I am today and to.

Influence everyone because I was so tired of it being so complex and not Christian, but I was like, once I felt God spurring me on to share it, I was like, okay, I'm going to make this easy to understand applicable and from a Christian worldview and kind of, that's where we are today. And we'll kind of get into that. So let's transition.

So We were stuck in our personal life and the Enneagram came in and man, we thought we found something like superb ourselves and how God created us, but then both of us realized that we were absolutely stuck in our career, our passion, whatever you want to call it. Um. And let's, so let's start there. Where were you when the Enneagram came into your life and then what was, when was the, the moment of change and what did that look like?

That's just, uh, intricate, like tied to my type that fear was being exaggerated by the environment that I was in. And so I felt very stuck, um, because here I am a pastor and I'm seminary trained and I'm, I'm, you know, miles away from home and I'm at this church that, that, you know, I help plant and kind of give my blood, sweat and tears to, um, but I knew that I wasn't in a place that was healthy for me. I knew that this was, this is not a safe place for me.

My, my, my body was knowing that my, my type was showing up in that way. And so I felt very stuck. And here's a place where the Enneagram gave me a real gift because after discovering my type, I actually found courage through the clarity. Um, I began to realize that, you know what, my fear, Is an invitation to be courageous. Yeah. Um, it was John Wayne, the great, you know, the theologian, the philosopher, John, who said that, um, you know, courage is not the opposite of fear.

Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway. Wow. So I just began to realize, you know what? My fear is not all, not, not, not fundamentally a handicap to my type, but if, if, if I befriend it. It actually gives me a gift. Like it actually leads me into courage. And so I found the courage to start trusting myself. I found the courage to start trusting what I was knowing in my environment. I found the courage to start.

truth about things I was noticing in our environment that were not healthy. Um, I started finding the courage to trust God and, and the gifts that he had given me. So do I still struggle with self doubt? Absolutely. That, that part of me shows up often, but I, but I, I'm more quickly now can get to a place of trusting the gifts God's given me and who he's made me to be because I have a language I have, you know, there's that Dan Siegel, uh, philosophy of, If you can name it, you can tame it.

I think that's, I think that's Dan Siegel. So now I'm able, now I'm able to like name some stuff and get back into some self control with these things that instead of these things being out of control. Um, and so that, that led me on this journey of starting to differentiate. In my context and starting to sort of stand on my own two feet and, and stand within a system and actually point at some things and say, Hey, this is a problem.

And, and even point it myself and say, I'm part of this problem. And here's a place where we need to, uh, repent and we need to fix this. We need to work on this. Um, and I'll, I'll tell you one other thing is, is, um, That was huge for me is I started to, I started to treat myself with more, uh, kindness. I used to really, I think I knew I was afraid before, before the Enneagram. Um, but I, and I treated my fear with a whole lot of shame.

I just thought, you know, men are, men are, men aren't supposed to be afraid. You know, so, um, and so I, I really treated myself poorly and, and with a lot of contempt over being afraid. And that was one of the things in our system that the system I was in really contributed to that as well. And. Here I am now with the gift of the Enneagram. I started to realize that hey, I need to actually welcome and befriend this part of myself and treat this part of myself with kindness.

Um, and I, I said, I said that was gonna be my last example, but I, I, I can think of another, here's another thing. Yeah, please. Another thing that happened was I started to notice Beth that my loyalty And my dutifulness and my, my commitment to work hard as a six, these were, these were gifts that prior to the Enneagram I had over identified with. And I was using these gifts to survive instead of using them to bless and, and, and, and, and help others.

I was actually using them as a part of my identity as a part of a, as a, as a way to survive. So here's what it looked like. My six. Commitment to hard work and dutifulness translated into workaholism, working all the time. And, and in the name of duty, I've just got responsibilities. I've got things to do. And, you know, sixes, you know, show up with a real commitment to responsibility.

So I had over attached to that, that gift, my, my gift of loyalty and, and, and faithfulness and, and you can count on me. Um, that really became a codependency. And I actually felt like I can't abandon these guys. Like I can't, I can't separate from this environment. Um, and what I began to realize as I, as I woke up to myself is, you know what? Um, that's, that's actually, that's really unhealthy.

And I think in, in the name of being faithful to myself and faithful to God and faithful to my family. I actually need to differentiate from this system. So that's, that's what it was like for me vocationally. I was very stuck. I was very scared and the Enneagram gate started to God through this tool started to give me enough clarity, enough courage to start to pull apart and differentiate and try to figure out like, what's, what's, what's my next vocational path.

Like, where's God. Does that make sense?

So either it's been told to us directly, or we. Interpret people's, uh, interactions with us in this way. So as a type nine, the message I was interpreting was, I should not assert myself. And I remember this one story I was. Probably about five years old. So this was probably about 1980. Yes. Now you can calculate how old I am. Um, so I was five years old and my dad was an allergist, a doctor. And back in the day, drug reps would.

Not only bring lunches to the doctors, they would bring like little trinkets and toys and pens and all sorts of stuff to the doctor's, uh, you know, work environment. So one of the little trinkets they brought was the, were these. Phone books are like, what do you call them? Like, you know, you write stuff, but I guess we don't even have it anymore. But yeah, it's like a, it's like a phone book that you write people's names and their phone number in, but it would fit in a shirt pocket.

So it's really small and it was super cheap. I mean. I'm, I'm probably not seeing it right in my mind because, you know, this was way back, but I remember being like uber thin and just the size of a pocket shirt and it was just like card stock on the outside and just paper on the inside. So like, it was just really flimsy, you know, they're just trying to like get their drug name out there.

So my dad brings like 12 of them home because I love to like play office when I was little, you know, so like I would, um, do fun things. So I was like, Oh yeah, I could, you know, what do I want to do with this? Well, I had this genius idea at five years old that I'm going to go sell them in my neighborhood. For 5 cents. So even back then, I was this little entrepreneur and so I, I set out to take these to my neighbors and to sell them.

So I went to my, across the street, to the Edwards house, and Mrs. Edwards was very kind and she bought one of them for 5 cents and then I headed to the next house, to the right. So, um, so if you're looking outside our front door, you know it's across the street, but to the one to the right. So I head over there. All of a sudden my mom, I guess, sees what I'm doing and she's probably like, what's happening? Like, why is Beth, you know, in the neighborhood, like going from house to house?

So she calls me back home and she's a type six and there's appropriate ways, you know, and of doing things while in her world, that is like a big no, no to go around the neighborhood selling these things. And so she was. Probably my mom is a very kind person, probably very kind about it. But she was like, we do not do that. That is not okay. You need to take these back and give them, or you need to give the money back to these people.

Well, she never said that don't assert yourself, but that is the only message I heard. I was so embarrassed. I felt so much shame that I would bring shame to my family. And I vowed to myself, I will never do anything like that again, if it means, or unless someone gives me the okay, or they encourage me to actually do it. So that started the journey for me as a type nine to never assert myself first, to always check, to always accommodate, to always merge with others.

So then when I became a wife at 20 years old, that was. Still my, my mentality. Oh, well, Jeff's career is more important than my career or what I want to do in life, especially as a nine. I was like, I don't know what I want to do. And so I followed Jeff. I encouraged Jeff's career. I supported him, et cetera, et cetera, which is on one side is a beautiful thing. And it's just all I knew. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't know what I wanted to do.

And. But so then you fast forward, so I'm a pastor's wife, a mom, I, you know, we're super poor. So I ended up working for the church part time, just doing things that, yeah, I was gifted at, I was gifted at being an administrative assistant, but it just wasn't my ultimate passionate life, but I didn't know

what I wanted. So I guess I'll just do this. But so then you fast forward, my kids are like 16, 17 years old. I all of a sudden had this aha moment that. Oh no, uh, my kids are going to be leaving and I'm going to be an empty nester and I don't know what I want to do with my life. So at this time I was like 38, 39 and I'm like, okay, I know I'm a nine cause I've been studying the Enneagram at that point for 15 years. Okay. I know I'm a nine.

This is going to take me a long time, so I better set out now to figure this out. So hopefully by the time they leave for college, I have some idea of what I want to do with my life. What I, what I did to begin with is I started to work as, um, a personal assistant to a COO of a very large company. And so I started working for her and here I am, Adam, I am buying groceries for them. I'm cleaning their house, vacuuming, running errands. Like I am just.

You know, I'm cleaning toilets, like that was my life. And it was at that time as I started to really ponder on, okay, well, what do I want to do with my life that I saw online this thing called a life coach. And I like had never heard of that before. And I was like, well, what is that? That kind of sounds interesting.

So I started looking into it and then I thought, Oh my gosh, all of these years, I have been a pastor's wife and I have been mentoring and shepherding and guiding women in their own personal walks with God, which is basically coaching. So then I had this thought of what if I could take this life coaching idea and the Enneagram and. Like mentoring Christian women and like smush it all together. And I thought, Oh my gosh, that is exactly what I want to do in life.

And though, so that set me on a journey of, of figuring this out. But here's the thing. It was extremely challenging to get over that false message of don't assert yourself. So I spent about a month and a month and a half just figuring out on paper how I envisioned this to go. And I gathered information and resources of, okay, like, well, what, what do life coaches make and how do they become a life coach? So I'm trying to like understand all of this and see how I could. Forge my own path in it.

So I've got it all figured out, so to speak. I mean, at least the, the overview and I'm super nervous because I want to share this with Jeff and you're probably sitting there going, Jeff is such a nice guy. Like, why would you be nervous about that? Well, you gotta remember the whole message in my mind is don't assert yourself. Don't have your. Own passions like that's being selfish. And who do you think you are? So that's what's going on in my world.

So we sit down at Chewy's restaurant and I've got my spiral notebook and all my notes and all the things that I've kind of put together. I've kind of mapped it out and I even had my discover, explore, become thing going on then. And I was like, super excited to share it with him. And he's a, as you know, a type six. And all he could hear was that I was going to stop working my part time job, which was literally helping us make ends meet.

And I was just going to go start this entrepreneur thing and leave us hanging until it became something. And what if it didn't become, you know, so he's like in a six world, like. You know, and so all I saw was he didn't believe in me or believe in what I, my passion, or that wasn't it at all, but that's all I saw. And so all I interpreted it as once again, was don't assert yourself. And so it really messed with me for quite a long time.

And I wasn't able to articulate fully why that was such a hard moment for me. I wasn't able to tell him. And he felt bad because he like, he never wants to discourage me, but he's a six. He's thinking of all things that could happen. Um, and so it took a long time for me to find my passion again. And actually what happened was someone that I was with every day who I worked with, um, they knew I wanted to be an Enneagram coach. They knew how passionate I was.

And I kept trying to like introduce them to it and they're like, Oh, we're like the Myers Briggs a little bit better. And I'm like, well, okay. You know, so I don't want to assert myself, you know, I'm not pushy about it. Well, then one day I'm at home looking at Instagram and all of a sudden I see a picture of an Enneagram book. And I looked down and it's this person's post and they're like, Oh my gosh, these friends of mine gave me this book. I'm so excited to read it. Blah, blah, blah.

I felt so overlooked, so small. So, um, like nothing I could do would matter. Like here, I've been trying to share this with them and this surge of energy and rage just swelled up it within me so much that I literally stood up and I started walking out of the house. I knew it was a nine. Like nines are pretty easy going. But we will erupt like a volcano every once in the blue moon. And here it was coming. So I just be lined it out of the house.

And as I'm going, this inner wave of energy is following me. And I passed Jeff in the kitchen and his eyes are like, what's happening? And I'm like, just look at Instagram. And that's like all I could say. So I grabbed my purse and my keys and I head out the door and I get in the car. I just erupt in weeping. And screaming because it was like the culmination of all these years of feeling overlooked.

And unimportant, and that my presence doesn't matter, my voice doesn't matter, no one's going to listen to me. And so I'm driving, and I'm driving for like 15 minutes, and if you live in, or if you know of Franklin, Tennessee, I drive past the Natchez Trace Bridge, and I keep going. I'm like, you know what? I'm going to have to turn around some points. I'm just going to turn around. So I'm still like fuming. And I don't know how to ground myself or self regulate.

I turn around and then all of a sudden as I'm driving, I felt the Holy Spirit just nudge me and say, why are you so angry? And I seriously, I was like, are you kidding me? Did you not see that post? Like, why are you asking me the question? This is an obvious answer. Like that person has overlooked me time and time again. And then there was quietness, this gentle quietness, like this respectful, like giving me some space to breathe, but then it happened again. No, why are you so angry?

And man, it was absolutely clear as day. I said to myself. I'm angry because I overlook myself and what I promote, I promote, I realized that I'm training people to overlook me because I overlooked and I realized in that moment I had a choice. That I could either continue on that trajectory, that false message to that false message trajectory, or I could do what's super hard and I could live out my passion and my calling, which I'd already mapped out.

And I knew what I needed to do, I knew what I wanted to do, and so I drove back home fully alive, fully present, fully awake for the first real time, even though I've been using the intagram for all these years, but like for the first real time, I knew what I needed to do. So when I got home, I told Jeff, Hey, I know I've been studying the intagram all these years. But I actually want to go get certified.

And so I started researching, I found the place that I, that would work for our budget and the timeframe that I had, and I got certified and then I started your Enneagram code shortly after that. And it has been such a joy. So thankful that God woke me up and sent me on this trajectory because I have been able to see so many lives transformed.

They have so many aha moments and it's not just because, I mean, a lot of people get transformation with things that they're using, but this is accelerated transformation because it is so clear on why you think, feel, and behave, why you're struggling. But not only that, a clear path of the best path forward for your type. So often we're listening to gurus and leaders and they're telling a blanket, um, helpful tip or way, but it's blanket for everyone. Okay. Right.

What about for the type three or the six or the four, like how do we nuance that for them? And that's what I love to do. Like, I love working with people and saying, Yeah, that's great that you want to go in that direction, but let me help you to understand how to see it through your lens and how to get from here to there in a way that's best for you. And so as we do that, as I started Enneagram coaching and watching people's lives transfer, it was just like the best thing ever.

And then people started to ask me, do you train people? To be coaches. And that just became a whole thing. And then yes, we do. And we've trained over 2, 500 coaches, Adam and 30 plus countries. That's right. And so here's, what's so awesome about all of us is here. I am a little girl that vowed never to assert myself to hide in the background and in God and his grace and his mercy said, no, I'm calling you out. And it's going to be hard.

But it's going to be so good and so enriching, not just to yourself, but it's going to have a ripple effect around the world. And I'm like, what? And so here the nine beliefs of presence matters. And God said, no, your presence absolutely does matter. Now don't get me wrong. I still think that all the time, but his truth is his truth. And I have to reorient my heart, my mind to believe in it, and to step out in faith every single day. And that's how every type is.

Every type has their false messages. Every type has to look at what God says is true and walk in that direction for fullness, wholeness, joy. Yeah. And just living by his grace and his design for us. So I just want to say like, it has been such a joy, not just for my own personal growth to have the Enneagram, but to be a part of my clients that I coach, but then to be a trainer of coaches who then go out into the world that people will never meet and they're blessing those people.

And so that ripple effect is just amazing. And so I just. I'm always in awe of what God has brought about with all of this and it's not, it's still a journey. As you know, Adam, we talk a lot about when I'm stuck, when I'm still having these messages and they're louder than the truth. And I just seem to like, I can't get out of it. Um, but you guys, Jeff, the team, they keep. Reorienting my heart, like renewing my mind, like scripture says into what has God called me to do.

And that is to bless people with astonishing clarity in the gospel so that they can transform their lives from being fearful and scared by their experience with Christ to be full and whole and free. So anyway, I know that's a long, uh, kind of story of, of. Where I kind of came from and where I am today, but I thought, yeah, you know, this is a good time to pull back the curtain.

Yeah. For people to see behind the scenes and like, 'cause like, I think a lot of times people think, oh, you're an a GR coach. You know, she's always been like this. And like it's easy. I'm like, oh my gosh, no. Yeah. This is like every day I have to remind myself, you gotta assert yourself. It matters. Right. And, uh, but it does matter. It does matter. And the people that are listening, their life's calling, the way God designed them, it matters.

It's important for them to know and to live out that calling. And that's what we're about at your next coach.

But, um, you know, I remember hearing Tim Keller say years ago that there's some things in this world that. If they don't make you angry, you're sinning. Like, so it's, it's anger is a good thing. And it is, it is passion. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's this, you had this moment where I think you woke up to loving yourself of like, I'm not going to, God loves me. Why don't I love me? Like, I'm not going to overlook myself anymore. And

Well, guys, we hope that this has been a very helpful, insightful episode for you as pulling back the curtains and saying, Hey, we're just like you, we get stuck. We needed hope. And God gave us a tool that has really helped us. Well, join us in the next episode. As we take one more step further in seeing what coaching is like, because I'm going to show you a real.

Coaching session, an authentic coaching session with a type nine, and then we're going to go into type eight, seven, six, all the way down to type one over the next nine weeks. So join us next time for an authentic coaching experience. You're going to love it. And remember the Enneagram reveals your need for Jesus, not your need to work harder. It's the gospel that transforms us. Thanks for joining us guys. Bye bye.