Navigating the Journey from Emotional Abuse to Self-Awareness and Love

But one thing that is important is that I talk to people all day about what they're going through and I help as many people as I can . My work primarily at least right now at the time of this recording is one-on-one and I really do love it and I really do feel like I can really help .

And a client asked a question today that I thought was really helpful , and in this conversation we talked a great deal about just relationships in general .

She's a client that has been out of a narcissistic relationship for some time , but she's still experiencing a lot of the trauma of what that looks like and what she went through and basically , how does she get on the other side and how can she love in a healthy way ?

And now I know a lot of you have been in this place that when you are looking around and your friends are in relationships , or your friends are married or you seem like you're the only one or you're the one that messed up , I know for me . I always always felt like everybody's in relationships with me .

Or like how come they can figure this out but I can't ? Or like they seem like they're happy . Why is this so hard for me ? Or like am I just nitpicky ? I really always went back to there must be something wrong with me , why can't I figure this out ? What are the patterns that have gotten me into this place ? And like what is you know ?

Like I consistently choose partners that are not right for me ? Obviously don't always know we're getting into an abusive patterns , but now that I know the patterns , I know what to look out for . But the question that she asked me was how did you remain hopeful that you would find a partner during these times ? And my first answer was that I wasn't .

I wasn't hopeful . I was a little bit more reserved or surrendered to the idea that I would have another baby from a sperm bank if I wanted one . I had a timeline in my head for that . I also thought that I would most likely not ever really find anybody .

That was a good fit because I was so protective over who could be around my kid and that if that was the case , then that's the case . And I think I had like a little bit of a sad mentality when it came to partnerships that arose from that space .

And I remember specifically being in Croatia with my kid alone , seeing all these happy couples , and I remember just sort of like finding a place to walk on a quieter street and I just cried Like I just teared up and felt sad and I kept saying to myself I want this too . I want this part of life .

I wanted to know what it even felt like to experience a love that didn't hurt , but I had no idea what that felt like . I actually also had no examples of what that looked like .

And so over time and through a lot of therapy , a lot of coaching , a lot of healing in various ways I haven't talked about this too much , but there are a lot of alternative methods I did to heal , and one of them definitely was acupuncture and massage and being able , in my perspective , to move some of the trauma out of my body , because I didn't just get

into abusive romantic relationships . I also grew up in an abusive home and I've had abusive friendships and I had abusive work environments , and this is a pattern for me and I know that I have trauma stored in my body .

So I really worked to begin to move things around so that I could at least start to think clearly and get myself ready to begin to date again after a really long period of not dating .

And I think that's an important point is that a lot of people that I talk to jump into a relationship without taking the time to heal and sometimes taking the time to heal really means not dating at all . It means taking space . It means really working on yourself .

It means not putting yourself in a place that has potential pain or has the potential to explode or you're not fully ready for until you're actually fully ready . And what does ready look like ?

It's different for everybody , but I will say , not feeling addicted to your ex and feeling like you have an understanding of what loving healthy is definitely is closer to being ready . Also , as time changed and I changed and I did date , I started to realize a few patterns . One I was dating .

People that I would have dated at the time of when I met my ex-husband would have been like if I didn't meet him , I was dating people that I would have dated Ie , I was dating immature people because they were younger than me .

They were fun , but they also were feeling a need that I didn't have met in my relationship and so , while that was fun for a bit , they weren't people that I could see a future with , even if I wanted that to happen in like a very idealistic or rational point of view . One example is I dated this guy . He was five years younger than me .

I really liked this guy . I felt like I really got to know him for who he was and at the beginning I'd say he really liked me too . But I will say he also was pretty realistic with how different we were and I probably should have appreciated that a bit more .

He was not ready and I didn't let him I haven't really let many people , but I didn't let him meet my child and I also knew he was not ready for a relationship like a real relationship .

He was ready to be himself , he was ready to continue to have fun , he was ready to do what he was doing , and I think what I wanted was just to be chosen by someone , and it wasn't about him . It was about I wanted someone to change or someone to reach their potential or someone to actually be a bit , to be who they say they are .

I don't actually like from a birth , like if I zoom out now and I think about it , do I actually expect a 28 year old to be able to be who they say they are ? Not really ? Do I expect myself to hold myself to certain standards ? Absolutely so .

In talking to this client tonight , I gave her that answer and that answer is first like look , this has been messy and I've had a million different perspectives . And then she was like well , after the abusive relationships , where did you land ?

That felt better Because I think in the space I am now likely come off to my clients as somebody who doesn't need a relationship and honestly , it's true , I don't need a relationship . I'm in a relationship right now . I don't need a relationship .

I used to need a relationship and I'm actually working on a podcast that discusses like all the things that I thought was wrong with me and why I didn't have a relationship . So that one , once it's posted , I'll tag here , so if you're listening out of order , you can find it . But this is the space I ended up in before I met my current partner .

I basically said to her that I was dating and in relationships with people that gave me mostly what I wanted . They gave me to the full extent that they could give me what I wanted , and I probably gave . I went above and beyond to give them what they wanted . That's always been my pattern .

I'm a great girlfriend 10 out of 10 , but I don't want to just be a great girlfriend . I want to be in a great partnership and I had to really change my view of relationships . I think I have a very liberal view of what a marriage is and what a relationship is . That doesn't mean that I believe in polyamory or open relationships or things like that .

I actually don't , while I can respect it and understand it in other people's dynamics , I know it's not one for me . But , that being said , in romantic relationships I don't necessarily feel like I need to live with my partner . I don't feel like we always have to sleep in the same bed .

I do think that we can have different wants and needs and I don't need to run things by them . I don't want them to ask me permission for things . I want it to be more free , flowing , and that's the girl that I've always been .

But some of these dynamics have brought me away from being who I want to be , and so when I was healing , I really worked on some of these values and being who I actually want to be At my core . I am not the girl that gets anxious and worried when someone travels .

Now that doesn't mean that they may not do behaviors that make me anxious and worried and we don't have clear communication . But in a healthy relationship , not at all . So where I landed through my work was that , no matter what , I didn't want to be in an unhealthy relationship .

I didn't want to be upset , I didn't want to be miserable , I didn't want to be settling for less . I didn't want to be giving somebody consistent outs if it wasn't the right partnership for me and if I'm doing all those things , it's not the right partnership for me . I wanted to be in a relationship .

If I was going to be in a relationship that added to my life , not subtracted from it . The extra element there is that if I was to bring any man into my daughter's life , we wanted them to be a solid human who she could depend on and that I felt super proud .

That's a tall order , especially for the expectations that I have of the person that would be around , my daughter , whose I argue is my actual , true soulmate . It is a tall order .

So , that said , the place I got to and like I'm making this sound like oversimplistic , but it's not that , and it definitely was through a lot of work , a lot , a lot of personal work . But the place that I got to with all of that and this is probably years and years in the making is I'm actually really okay being alone .

If my story was that I ended up kind of just being like a kickass mom , helping people understand and heal from abusive relationships , being able to live like a bit of a , you know , traveling , vibrant life , making connections with people , having , you know , different kinds of intimate relationships , I would say I was thought like , okay , well , what if , like I

don't have one partner but I end up like being with a bunch of different people , or like there's like a bunch of loves of my life , or like it's a little bit more free flowing and fluid , especially as my daughter ?

You know , if I have all these high standards of how somebody interacts with my daughter , maybe that's what I need , maybe like that's just out of the equation and it's more like my focus is her , and relationships just come as they come and maybe I learned how to let them go as they go Now .

That being said , I take heartbreak pretty hard and it's been the one thing that has really sparked the most amount of change in my life is almost marked by heartbreaks . My high school boyfriend that was definitely , in hindsight , abusive but also I was severely trauma bonded to . He still reaches out . He still reaches out just to quote unquote check in .

So , like these people sometimes just don't go away . But I was okay in the place I got to was like I don't need that . I'd rather be alone than being a partnership that makes me feel alone all the time . I'd rather be alone than have to wonder where I stand with somebody . I didn't want that life . I don't want that life .

I don't have that relationship to my partner . Right now , my partner actually understands , knows and appreciates my independence and over our time together , has come around a bit to see that maybe a more flexible view of what a marriage and a partnership looks like is what supports our children individually and our relationship together .

That we can begin to create it , and I think that's something that I said a lot is I want to be in a relationship where I get to create what that looks like .

I don't want pre written rules put on me that I need to adhere to , because that's what led me into places of abuse and that's what led me into conversations I never wanted to be in and that's what led me to having to set boundaries with people that I never should have even been in a partnership with , you know , and that led me down this path of doing

this work . And I don't know where you will end up . I don't know what pattern or what form of this you feel better with . I just know that this is my experience and sometimes sharing that here has been helpful for other people to at least have the invitation of being able to create theirs .

The client that I spoke with tonight she didn't have a final ending place of where she landed , of what she wanted to be or what perspective she wanted to have . I guess where we landed was that what she's doing now and the way she's approaching dating and even the methods . Everything needs to be shaken up right now because it's still it's stuck .

But I know that by doing a lot of work on myself and really asking myself what I want and what I need and what I would be okay with . I actually opened up to being okay with a lot of different versions of what this looks like . What I absolutely was not an am not okay with is ever being in a relationship that makes me feel like I'm dead inside .

I am done with that in my life . I will not ever let myself feel that way again , and I did let myself feel that way again after saying I was not going to let myself feel that way again . And then there was more healing and then there was more work , and I imagine that in my journey there'll be new perspectives and new healing and more work .

But from the kid that could not break out of relationship with a guy that continuously cheated on her in college To being a woman that is so okay being alone that it's actually harder for me to be in a relationship than it is for me just to be on my own , I think I've come a really long way in my healing and this is what works for me , and that's to

say like I do have a partner right now . Well , I love very much , I'm able to be in a healthy relationship , I'm able to have conversations that best support me and my daughter and Our collective needs , and his kid and what he needs , and I'm able to create something that feels like mine or ours .

I'm able to say , nope , this isn't for me , or nope , I don't agree with that . Or that's interesting , I don't know . And when I look back at where I once was , I know that it would have been impossible for me to get to that space . And so if you are wondering or feeling , or thinking what if I'm alone forever ?

How , like , if I leave this , I'm going to be alone forever . I just really want you to ask yourself is being in this or being with somebody more worth you being happy ? Is being with anybody worth more than you actually being with someone that makes you happy , or being able to create a life that does make you happy , that you do feel fulfilled by ?

And if the answer is no , I'd really question that within yourself , like , why am I choosing to be miserable , to be in a partnership , if I could feel something else ?

And now the disclaimer is that if you have kids , if you can't leave , if there are other factors , of course , that comes into play here , right , like , but this is more about the mindset , the mindset of , because that's what needs to change first . Before any changes are made , you need to change the mindset first .

So if your mindset is like I'd rather be with someone than nobody , I really would challenge that , because hurtful love is not better than figuring out how to love yourself . It actually probably will just trip up the process a bit more , and this is something that I work with people on .

So if you are feeling like you are in this place of Needing support , wanting to figure things out , failing , stuck with this particular area , totally invite you to book validation call with me or a regular coaching call with me . I love this work because I truly believe that we all can be healthier lovers and healthier people .

I really appreciate you listening to this episode and you are not alone . I hope to be sharing some more of these more vulnerable episodes soon and if you ever need to reach out or need an ear , you can always reach out to me . You can find my Instagram at Emotional Abuse Coach .

You can find my website , emotionalabusecoachcom and my email at Jessica at JessicaNightCoachingcom , and I will talk to you soon .