Choosing a Therapist or Life Coach when Healing from Abuse

I'm going to take a few minutes to approach a topic that is very complicated and difficult to unpack , but I think it's important because it's coming up quite a bit , and so , to start , I just want to say that sometimes I add these disclaimers just to basically say like I don't think bad about therapy or I don't think bad about this or that , and this podcast

isn't therapist or awful and you shouldn't use them . That's not my intention at all . I have a therapist , I also have a coach , I also have specialized coaches . I'm very big into personal , my own personal development . If I wasn't , I don't think I should be doing this work . However , I am going to be a little critical and you'll see why .

So last well , two weeks ago , I had a client , a new client , who hired me to be almost like the narcissist abuse unraveler of a few situations that are happening in his life , and when he reached out he said he had he just started therapy , he had a few sessions and one of my first questions was is your therapist , narcissist , informed ?

And he said like I assume so and like , almost like , laughed it out , laughed it off , and I was like well , that's not , that's not a given , and he said well , I hope so and I said well , like they probably can still pull out some of these trends .

But the issue is that if they're not aware of narcissistic traits , if they're not in tune with manipulative behavior , if they don't understand abuse or they're not in tune with domestic violence , then they probably are not going to be able to pull out some of the things that are happening or see them for what they are , and that is not a critical statement .

I think about it the same as if somebody came to me with severe patterns of an eating disorder . I might be able to notice some things . I don't have the extensive training in that as I do in narcissistic abuse and emotional abuse and high conflict . Of course , like those are specific trainings I went through and that's what I explained to this person .

I said a lot of people need to pick a specialty and narcissistic abuse is still fairly new to be unpacking with such great lengths . I belong to a website called Pessie . It has a lot of trainings for psychologists on there . I take a lot of them and all of them are focused on gaslighting emotional abuse , narcissistic abuse . Dr Ramanee Dharmansala is on there .

There's a lot of experts in the field on that page , and so I basically said the short answer is you should just ask them . The long answer is a lot of people are not trained in it , and even when the DSM-5 was being written or created , narcissistic abuse almost wasn't included .

The reason why there are more coaches that talk about this is because there's other ways to be trained on it and , in my perspective , a lot of coaches went through this and they are very prepared to help people with it .

We it's when you have been through something you can really start to unravel and understand the signs , because you know what that feels like . You know , imagine talking to somebody that has never understood abuse before , or they haven't worked with somebody who is abusive . I think often .

Well , I reflect back often to a therapist I had when I was trying to get out of my relationship and she I said to her I was telling her a story about something that happened and , like I , I'm always very aware about what part of my past is bringing up for me , and I said something like you know , this is what it reminded me of and this is what was

going on for me , and she goes okay , well , let's pause and think about what was going on for him . And when I look back on that , I think about how far along we were in our therapeutic relationship that at this point , the focus should have been we need to get you the fuck out of this because it's killing you . And I did have that before .

When I was leaving my marriage , I had my therapist break down in tears and basically said you need to get out of this , please . Like you cannot stay in this anymore . And I ended up staying a little longer and then I did leave , but she was seeing the signs , she was noticing the signs and I think she was Because I was a mom . She didn't , and I often .

My daughter was so tiny , she was five months old , but I brought her to bring her into the sessions . She would say you know , like I think I don't know . I actually don't have an explanation for why she didn't mention abuse . Maybe she didn't feel like that at the time , I don't know .

I don't really know how to frame that , but the reason that this is important or that I think it's important , is because when we go to a therapist , I think we think that they could be experts in everything .

When we go to a coach , we typically are looking for a coach that is an expert in the topic or the subject matter that we're trying to wrap our minds around or that we're trying to heal from . Like , if you have love addiction , you're going to search for somebody that specializes in love addiction and helping people heal .

If you're an alcoholic , you're going to reach out to somebody who has knowledge of alcoholism . We don't always do that for therapists and I know that because I get a lot of people asking me if I can work with them or if I will work with them and they don't fit what I do and I'm very honest about that . Like I cannot diagnose your anxiety disorder .

I can see narcissistic traits and help you get out of emotionally abusive relationships . I can help you heal . I can help you strategize your high conflict divorce . I can't help you heal your eating disorder . It's not my specialty , but many psychologists who are not aware about narcissistic abuse and how victims can be trapped in the cycle of abuse .

They will not call out the behaviors and instead they might actually validate them . So , for example , in the cycle of abuse we go from calm to tensions rising , to the incident , to the reconciliation back to the calm . If you've listened to me at all , you might have heard me say I think we get addicted to reconciliation .

I think that's the point that we get addicted to and can't really move out of , because we get that's when our nervous system comes down .

If somebody is not trained on the cycle of abuse domestic violence , narcissistic abuse , emotional abuse they may not see that you're in this pattern of an abusive incident consistently happening and you getting stuck on reconciling .

They might actually applaud when you were able to get through that reconciliation incident with the person and not call out that that is the 35th time that you've reconciled through the same issue . There's been a promise to change from the other person and they actually have not changed . And now just imagine how that can work in couples therapy .

It's very heavy and so it's so important to work with somebody especially if you're going through this to that understands that model you know , understands that the cycle of abusive times , especially after love bombing , can happen gradually . Of course it can happen not gradually , we all know that .

But one thing is that we need to be mindful of , like when things are changing and there are consistent patterns , and that is something that , as a coach I am trained to look for .

So even with my high conflict divorce clients , when people come to me and there's patterns that there's nine times out of 10 , there's patterns that you're not even seeing because you're in it , so of course you're not seeing it .

When I was in abusive relationships , there are patterns that I didn't see and I didn't see it until I was out of it , and sometimes I did need somebody to point that out to me .

But usually I think about it as like pulling off the veil and being able to look inside and then in a coaching session we then close the veil again because you can't be in that all the time . You'd be in fight , flight , freeze and fun constantly .

And so it is important to make sure that when you are with a coach , when you are with a therapist , to make sure that you don't feel like you're being gaslit , don't feel like you're being questioned . If the events are real , if someone says to you , are you sure that they're that bad , that is a very bitter red flag .

This is supposed to be a safe space for you . A lot of therapists are probably not trained on narcissistic traits .

They might be trained on what the DSM-5 says the nine traits that define a narcissist , but they might not be trained on what narcissistic abuse looks like and how an abused client might present , and that is something that I know , I was trained in and I know a handful of clients and coaches that are also trained in that .

Like I said , this is not an episode to basically say that therapy is bad . That's not what I'm saying . I'm saying use your mind , trust your instinct , do your research , because the topic that you're bringing to the table is for your life , it's your survival , it's your children . Like .

You deserve to be in a therapeutic relationship that is supportive , that helps you heal , that helps you understand patterns and that helps you work through something that we have seen people die from when they don't get out .

Sitting around and thinking about how your partner might feel about something when you are in an abusive relationship is absolutely not something that's going to help you . You can do all of that work later and think through all of the things , but right now I would not say that that's where your head needs to be .

We can think about that if it's helpful , but nine times out of ten , we don't need to be spending more energy on what our partner thinks . I think that if you're listening to this , you probably spend 98% of your energy thinking about what your partner thinks and doesn't think .

That being said , now that I'm on my soapbox and I'm sure you've heard this couples therapy does not work with a narcissist . It does not work with an abusive person . I was in couples therapy with my ex-husband . I was exhausted . My therapist was a male . I remember saying I have nothing left and I didn't . I was depressed . I felt so sad .

I was having panic attacks all the time . I would get in my car and show up to an event that either I had to work at or I had to be at , and I would cry the entire way there because it was the only time I had to release my emotions . I was the 110% parent . My kid wasn't even one .

I remember just looking at being like , saying I am tired , I'm exhausted , I have nothing left , I can't do like , and I was basically being told that I wasn't spending enough time on a date night and I'm just like . I just want someone to see me for who I am right now . I want to be seen as a person .

I need space , I need to breathe , and I never got it . I basically again , when we're in couples therapy , we're using healthy , non-disordered ideals to support people through these situations , when that does not work . With a disordered person , if you are with a narcissist , if you are with a toxic person , couples therapy will not work .

With my last boyfriend , who was severely emotionally abusive , we had couples therapy . This was two years ago before I knew couples therapy does not work . And with a toxic person , I even called out . I said he's very uncomfortable right now . He's bouncing his leg . I could tell something's up , but he's not saying it and he was like what are you talking about ?

I'm fine , I'm totally fine . See , she does this all the time . She makes up issues that are not there . As soon as the phone hung up , he told me what the issue was and it turned into a two hour argument and I was like yep , and then he said he wasn't going to therapy anymore because it doesn't work . That is usually what happens .

Or , and often the person has a mask on in the therapy sessions so that the therapist doesn't realize that they are the disordered person and they act as if like everything's fine and you feel more crazy , because that's the situation that's being created , the thing that I think is important to remember is that , in the same way that a therapist might not understand

what you're going through , therapists can be subbed out for coach . You might feel gaslit by them . You might not feel safe speaking to them . It's the same feeling that you can have from a friend who doesn't understand , a family member who doesn't understand when you go to the doctor . You don't go to a doctor that specializes in course of blinking .

You don't go to an OBGYN because you have an issue with your foot right . When you seek out a therapist or a coach , seek out somebody that is informed in abuse and you really want to also make sure they're informed on trauma , that they can call out the trauma responses when you're in them , because you're going to go into them in the therapy sessions .

There's one more point that I want to make on this podcast that I think is helpful . There are some people out there that have been experts in this field , have written books in this field , and they are downplaying the work of coaches . They're downplaying the work of other healers that have not been through psychology school . They don't have that license .

I've had the same number of years in training than if I did go to a school for , or get licensed in , therapy . I chose not to do that because I thought that my coaching certification on trauma informed narcissistic therapy would be really valuable in helping me help people heal .

I didn't think that going to get a license in psychology was going to help me help other people divorce a narcissist or work through high conflict divorce . I believe that I was right . On some of these specific healers websites , you might see that they downplay the work of coaches in this field .

Sometimes it comes off really jealous about like not having as many followers and like these superficial things and like this is the fact of the matter , I don't have a lot of followers , I don't care , you know . So I'm not saying this to basically say you should follow me , blah , blah , blah . That's not even me .

I don't have a lot of followers , not an influencer , you know it's like that is not something that comes up . I think that people work with me because they resonate with what I say and how I say it and I really and truly have helped a lot of people heal and work through abuse , and that's where my value is . That's what is valuable to me .

But it makes me scared that if somebody is really searching for help , they find the website where somebody who's an expert in the field has written books on top that have really helped people , or downplaying the effect of working with a coach .

It's another form of gaslighting , because you're basically saying , because I have this theory , this person or this set of people will not help you , when that set of people might change that person's life . And the change is not coming from , like me , somebody in my role , changing your life .

The change is coming from you being brave enough to show up and look at all of your patterns , how you got there , what you didn't see , what you see now , setting new boundaries , working on yourself intently and having the support , the validation and the education along the way . So I'm going to leave this episode there .

I hope it was helpful in understanding some of these topics and I hope it will help you find somebody who is the right fit for you . If I'm not the right fit for you , I tell you . And the way you can work with me or begin to work with me would be by scheduling a clarity call with me .

The first available right now is May , and if you can't find a time , you always can email me at jessgonnetcoachingcom and we can try and figure something out . I work with people across the world , so don't let your location hold you back from reaching out . If you need support , I have courses available on my website , emotionalabusecoachcom .

Obviously , I have this podcast . I invest a lot of time into this podcast because I know that it helps , because people tell me that it helps , and that's really all I care about at the end of the day . You can find me at Emotional Abuse Coach , on Instagram and on TikTok and my website , emotionalabusecoachcom .

And if you need support , please feel free to ask , because if I don't think I'm the right person , I will do my best to refer you to somebody that might be , or a support group from somebody that I work with or someone that I am involved with . That might be the thing that you need , but I'm here . You can always feel free to ask me questions .

I'm a real person and please do your research because your story is important . What you've gone through is difficult . I know a lot of us felt like we probably would have died in that relationship , and so you need to be with somebody who you really trust in working through it . Music playing .