no matter what and who you are and how much you've worked on yourself, if something comes into your life that really rocks your world. It's it's gonna probably push you back. It's gonna take you back to old patterns and old ways of thinking, because your body and your mind, they're just trying to protect you Welcome to You First, a Journey to Self podcast, where we empower women to rediscover their true, authentic selves and regain personal power.
If you are ready for a major shift, you've come to the right place. I am your host, Maria Fuentes, an expert in women's emotional mastery and self discovery. With a degree in psychology and nearly two decades of experience, I am passionate about addressing the challenges women face most. Self love, healthy relationships, and emotional awareness. I've had the privilege of coaching so many incredible women and witnessing their transformation through the methods we'll discuss on this podcast.
This show is your weekly space to shift your perspective, find inspiration within and heal in ways that feel true to you. I'm so grateful you're here. Let's dive into this week's episode. Hello, my beautiful muses. And welcome back to another week's episode this week. We are going to talk about releasing control and surrendering to the unknown.
And to be honest, this is going to be a tough conversation for me to have with you right now, because in the mental and emotional state that I'm in, I'm, I'm struggling with. A lot because I to today's Saturdays at three days ago, I lost. My cat, she like ran away and we haven't been able to find him. And it's been so heavy in my heart because he's been with me for seven years and he's been through so much with me. He's moved around with me. He's been my rock.
Like anytime that anything's happened. Breakups divorces, moving. Any big life transitions. He's been there. He's been my emotional little furball and I might cry while I'm recording this episode. And I honestly did not expect. For this relaunch to have so many emotional conversations with you straight out of the bat like this, but I, I even contemplated maybe just posting another episode that I had, that I had recorded maybe a couple of weeks ago.
And I don't feel connected right now to that episode. And so I was like, you know what, maybe it's good that I just sit here and talk about what I've been struggling with the last four days and what has come up for me. And. How I am practicing surrendering and releasing control, because I don't think that it's easy. When you're going through these hard times, I think it's easier when. You feel good, right?
When you're not feeling these intense emotions or you're not feeling like something rocked your world and losing a pet or losing a loved one, or going through a breakup or going through any of these like deep, emotional depths of ourselves, we really do find a lot. And. I know, and I'm sure there'll be an episode here in the next few weeks where I'll be like, Hey, I have these a hot moments and I want to share them with you. And this is where, what came from that pain.
Cause it's every, I do believe that everything has a reason. For happening. And so when we see pain and real, like, And we all agony as a way to go deeper within ourselves and understand ourselves even better. I think it shifts a lot. And I also, I also just came from an amazing event. A women's is called the power app. Powerhouse women event and just listen to great, amazing speakers, Mets, and connected with so many amazing women. That have done big things.
Some that are just starting big things and just the energy that was there and all the aha moments I came back and I was just processing that. And I had so much to share with you guys, and I still will. And then this happened. And so I really has rocked my world and. I realized that when it happened and I realized like the moment I woke up, I hadn't even had coffee Wednesday morning. I felt so out of control right away. And I'm not one to usually like freak out and be frantic.
And so I internalize a lot. I'm very quiet and I just kind of like recluse and just get really quiet. Like if something intense is happening around me, I usually just go inward and I get really quiet and. I just started feeling so much shame and guilt. The moment I realized, like I could not find him. I totally just got to start becoming really hard on myself. And I realized that we do this a lot when we feel out of control on things.
And so the moment I realized he was gone and I couldn't find him. I felt a sense of loss of control, which doesn't feel comfortable right. When we are in these seasons or in this time, or these times in our lives where we. Don't know what's happening. We don't want to surrender and we want to control our next reaction because we can't control and actually make the situation or the feelings go away. Or the, the uncomfortable emotions go away. Is to feel some sort of shame and guilt.
We go down the rabbit hole of negativity. And I sure did for like a day and a half, I was like, why would I do that? Why would I leave him outside? Even though he's been outside so many nights and so many days that he's never ran away and we had blocked off ways that he can get out. So it's not like he was just out there free for all. He must've just gotten really adventurous. He's like a 16 year old cat and very chill. So I didn't think that. Right.
So, and then I took off his color a week before that had an air tag. So I was going down the rabbit hole of like the shame, the spiral, the guilt. All of it, like. There was not one moment where I saw, well, maybe he can come back. Maybe I'm hopeful. Maybe. And like, there was no, the Ray of sunshine, there was no light and that's not like me. And I can usually like pull myself out of that.
But I think, and I realize with this, even with working with clients and everything, is that when we go through really intense moments, it's so hard, no matter how many things you've heard, how many lessons you've had to learn in the past, even though if you even like, if you logically understand something, when you're feeling that much emotion, it does not matter. Because your mind is just overwhelmed and is trying to protect itself.
And it's going to find ways, even if they're unhealthy ways to try to find control. And for me that finding the control was. Oh, my gosh, she's going to die. A car's going to run him over. He's not going to have food. Let me Google this. Let me, I like I Googled. How long can cats go without food? How long can cats go without water? And I went down the rabbit hole. And I'm thankful to have people in my life. They're supportive. But not enablers. And TJ is one of those.
And I remember him telling me. But this isn't you like you shaming yourself like this, you like really being hard on yourself. Like this isn't you, you. You could, the, you would have done it. I would have done it. We. Like, there's nothing you could have done differently and he chose to leave. And even though you're in pain, I don't want you to be so hard on yourself. Like I'm here for you. I want you to feel your emotions.
But when he said that, that's it really, it resonated with me because I realized. You're right. This isn't me. So why am I doing this? Why am I going down this rabbit hole? And I've realized in just the last three days that it just felt good. It felt good to be. So mean to myself to be like, how could you, why would he do such a thing? Like what's wrong with you? And this is guys when I tell you that.
The last seven years, I, one day decided seven years ago that I would not speak poorly to myself or, or talk to myself in a negative way. And of course it's happened, you know, with a breakup, with divorce or like things that have really shaken me up. And I'm here finding myself doing the same things that I used to do seven years ago.
And so even in the midst of all these emotions, I realized like, no matter what and who you are and how much you've worked on yourself, if something comes into your life that really rocks your world. It's it's gonna probably push you back. It's gonna take you back to old patterns and old way of thinking, old ways of thinking, because your body and your mind, they're just trying to protect you. And so my false sense of control was okay.
Well, if I can think of every single scenario that could happen. That I feel more in control, but that wasn't helping me, that wasn't helping me or the situation or my mental health. Or any of it? I mean, I've cried like a thousand times. I've walked around this neighborhood a thousand times I've been, I've done all the things that I have control over. And so I had to start really asking myself, okay, Maria, what do you have control over?
And what do you not have control over because you can't be yourself up and you can't feel shame when you can't feel guilt. Because it's not, it's not going to be good for your mental health. You have to forgive yourself. And so if you're going through some sort of. Gray area in your life. You're not sure what's happening. You're feeling really emotional. Maybe you're going through a breakup. Maybe you'd lost your job. Maybe you're transitioning jobs.
Maybe you're not sure where your career is going to go. Maybe you're not sure where your next relationship is going to be. Or maybe you're like, man, you're feeling all this shame and guilt because all your past relationships kind of have married each other and you're stuck in the same patterns or whatever pain you feel like you're experiencing. And that you feel stuck in. Just remind yourself of that, that.
The shame and the guilt is just, it's another way for you to control things, because if you can, if you could shame and guilt yourself, then you have, you can, you're able to point the finger. And we're able, we do that a lot with other people too. Right. It would have been easy for me to be like, why did I leave him outside and pointed the fingers at somebody else. And. I don't know, I could've gone down so many different avenues because we feel like we want to control things.
Because our uncomfortable emotions, that deep pain is so uncomfortable. We want to just control anything in our outside. And so shaming and guilting herself as the way of punishing ourselves. And then at least we feel like we're doing something. And so if that resonates with you, if you're like, man, I, I do do that. And that's wild. Like once I put those two, two things together, those two things together, I just realized. All right. No more shaming myself, no more guilt, tripping myself.
What's in my control. And how can I release this? How can I just process this? And it's been a lot of crying. Like I I've been very open here before that. I am such a crier. I am such an emotional person. And even, you know, when TJ and I had this conversation and he's helped me through it, we've like started a new. Narrative that Dusty's probably living his best life and, you know, he's helped me through it because I wasn't a very dark place. And. We all have this choice, right?
Because if, if we can't control the outside, if the things in, out of our control, which is the future, most of the time it's. It is. Unknown and you have to almost surrender in order to feel happy. What can you do in order to cook? Release the control and surrender to the unknown future when it feels so uncomfortable. And a big part of that is. Changing the narrative and having people around you there. They're willing and helpful in that process.
So not only TJ, but even when I've told other people what's happened. Like my nieces, I tell them, I'm like, I'm struggling really bad. Like I'm very vulnerable now. And I just tell people like, I'm struggling, I'm a mess. I'm just crying nonstop. And I'm really choosing a new narrative that does, he's just living his best life and decided to take himself out on a vacation. And, you know, he's just the happiest cat right now.
Because the other narratives were just bringing me down when I stood up, when one, I don't know what's actually happening. So if you're listening to this and you're in that gray area, you don't know what's going to happen in the future. Why stay in a place that's negative. That's only going to attract more than negativity in that negative energy. When you can change the narrative.
And of course, this is something that comes really easy to me and other areas of my life when I'm not super emotional about this. And this is why I wanted to make this episode because. Even like someone like me that helps other women with their emotions and their regularity and helping them discover themselves and understand themselves. When something like this happens, like it shakes any of us. He could shake any of us. And so don't allow yourself to go down the rabbit hole.
And I hope that in my story and in my pain right now, you see that controlling things, shaming yourself, guilt, tripping yourself. Trying to find other people that could be wrong with something is, is only hurting you. And it's only hurting your mental state. And so I think that's where I've, I've been depressed a lot in the past because I stayed stuck there. And I realized that now, like I realized, and I have tools and I have.
EFT and I have journaling and I have just moments where I'm like, I just need to cry it out and I just need to be emotional and being honest and, and changing that narrative and, and really believing it. 'cause I'll tell you what. It sounds a little delusional to create these stories and this narrative of the future. That is not true. But it's delusional. It's just as delusional to create narratives and stories of the opposite that are also not true.
And so one's just more believable in our eyes because we felt pain and we felt this like deep agony. And so it's so much easier for us to be like, yeah, you know, the future is going to be really great. And I'm going to think of all of these worst case scenarios because I've lived them and my body feels. Like that's home and it's easier to predict all those negativity. Then to predict the positive and to see things in a lighter way, in a brighter way.
And so either way, we're being delusional and we're creating our own stories and our own narratives. It's like, which one do you choose and which one's going to help you? Be better in life. Just feel better. Be better, be better around with those around you. And then also identify the trigger. So like when you're in this space, Of.
Feeling sad or being in the unknown, or maybe you're feeling a lot of anxiety or a lot of depression, or you're feeling like these really intense emotions because anxiety and depression are literally just byproducts of what you're feeling. They're their symptoms. They're kind of like diagnosis now. And everyone's like, oh, I have anxiety and I have depression, but those are symptoms to something else.
And so anxiety is always you're living in the future and trying to predict the future and depression is that you're living in the past. And then you're sitting stuck in those energetic vibrations. And so understanding if you're in either of these, like, what are your triggers? For me, it was when I'm anxious. My triggers are, if anything happens that it's not in the plan or it's not in my schedule that triggers me. If I get overwhelmed with too many things that triggers me.
And if I'm now right now in the space where I'm feeling depressed, when I'm feeling really sad, for me, it's really triggering to have too many things at once. And so I've really had to pull it back. Like I work a lot and these last four days I've had to like really just pull it back. I've had to tell clients, no, I can't like I have to reschedule our call.
Um, like everything I've had to shift my stuff and also show up for the people that I said I would, there was certain like meetings that I could not, not make. And I was even vulnerable with those people. I was like, I'm not in a great place when. I'm here. For you like. I'm ready to do this because I have to not want to reschedule this. I promise you, you know, that there's, you have to understand yourself on a deeper level.
Like how much can you actually take and how much are you willing to give? And also how much can you give to yourself during these times? If you're feeling anxious, you probably need more time, more quiet time and more time in solitude, less doing, even though that's what feels good, because when you're anxious, you're trying to control, predict the future. You want to do more. You want to do more. And when you're depressed, you're probably wanting to do the opposite. Do you want to do less?
And you want to just lounge around and watch Netflix and maybe drink or smoke pot or whatever your, your numbing mechanisms are. That's usually what you want to do when you're feeling depressed, because you don't want to feel that, but you also don't want to do anything about it. So even challenging yourself to. Go on a walk, go work out, actually worked out today for the first time in like three days. And it wasn't the best workout, but I knew I needed it for my mental state.
I knew I needed to like move and do something outside of crying and. Not wanting to do anything. And so even like, let's go back, actually. I want to do talk about like the numbing mechanisms that we might use some times. Aye. I will say this. I truly believe that as long as we recognize our emotions, we're aware of them and we allow ourselves time to process them. There is no shame and no guilt in. Indulging in things without using them to numb yourself. And what I mean by that?
I had a little piece of chocolate yesterday and I felt good. I'm like, you know what, I'm sad. Kind of want chocolate, you know, there's this thing, like the stigma, the women just like eat ice cream when they're sad or after a breakup. A whole tub or whatever, and those are extremes. You know, I've also had some wine the last two, three nights, because I. I've needed to relax and I've needed to just calm down. But that's not my main source. In the past, it used to be my main source in the past.
I did not want to feel my emotions. I didn't want to recognize my emotions. I just wanted a num num num not feel anything. And I would drink to oblivion. I would drink to like, not feel. And now it's just something that I add onto my life. Is it the healthiest thing? No, but I also work out and there's balance and things. Right. I'm not drinking. To get, you know, numb and drunk and not feel anything. I'm not eating a whole three bars of chocolate. I'm not.
I'm not doing any of that analysis actually has been really hard for me to even eat because I've been so like in such a Phenergan, so depressed. So. I will say that, that even, I think for people like me and there's other women that I coach that are in my same vibration, where we're so hard on ourselves, over such a perfectionist that will start shaming herself in guilt, tripping ourselves for even.
The numbing mechanisms are the ways that we are using things to process things, to help us feel better. And so if you have a little bit of chocolate, you're like, oh my gosh, can't believe I had chocolate. Now you feel sad or you feel guilt because you had chocolate and. And then you take yourself down another spiral. You have to give yourself compassion and grace, you have to give yourself the same compassion and grace that you would have for somebody else.
If your friend called you all sad and she's like, Hey, let's go have a glass of wine. I just want to have a glass of wine and talk. You wouldn't shame her for having a glass of wine or a piece of chocolate or anything like that. I think it's important to understand that. It's okay. To feel things. And it's okay to have other things that help you in some way, but that they're not enabling you or enabling you from feeling right. You're not using them as coping mechanisms. You're using them.
As a way to just help you feel a little bit better, even if it's for the moment or for the day or for the second. Right. And understand that too much is too much. And when you go to the other extreme, then that's when it things become a problem as well. So I hope I hope this episode is I'm going to keep it short. I really don't. I can't even talk about dusty anymore right now because I will like just start crying. And I think it's, it's hard on me right now.
And. I hope that in this episode, you're able to understand that it's okay to be in this season or chapter. If you're going through something that's really rough. And that controlling. It is only going to hurt you. And that surrendering is the. Most loving thing you could do for yourself right now. And practicing mindfulness.
And releasing the perfectionist mentality because healing pain, the things you go through that they're yours to go through and everyone else has their own way of dealing with things. And it's okay. And I hope that he hearing me go through it. You understand that like none of us have it all together and none of us have it a hundred percent altogether because. There's always going to be something that really shakes us in life.
And if you're in that season now, or something's really shaking you, I hear you. I see you. Don't be hard on yourself and practice surrendering. I don't think that there's a way to do it a hundred percent perfectly great, because surrendering is very hard. So I love every single one of you. Thank you so much. And if you've messaged me on Instagram about dusty and sending me love. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I had so many messages from you all and I appreciate every single one of you.
And I will talk to you guys next week.