Bondage Gear with Destiny Cruz

Hi everybody, thank you for downloading. You are listening to a stream recording. Ha ha ha. Welcome to Extreme Restraint University. I am so glad you could make it again this month. As always, myself, Ian Raph, Aiden Star, and this month we're lucky enough to have Destiny Cruise. Hi Destiny, how you doing, baby? I'm doing great. Excellent. And what as I ask every month, Aiden, what are we talking about today? I know it's on the table, but what are we talking about today?

But uh but leather bondage, not rope bondage, but leather bondage. Restraint. Restraint bar. Very excited about the Uh tie me up please Daddy, yeah. So This is my friend Destiny. She'd be excited to come here, which is why I invited her to come here. Yeah, it's kinda why we invite her because she likes to be restrained. You like to be restrained and you like to come in. Let me ask questions. Okay. D are you kinky? I'm very kinky. What do you like?

Everything. Right. Uh BDSM. Um I like to be tied up and I like to tie people up and peg people. So your switch. So your switch. Okay. True 50-50 versatile right here, which I love because I feel like most people, like you're a top and I'm a top, but most people are both. And I think that. It's a varying degree. It's like ninety ten or fifty fifty or or seventy thirty. Some people decide to get

Yeah, it's totally fine. And it's nice if you have a partner and you're s you're both switches and you can do like you do me, then I'll do you, right? Isn't that what you do? Oh yeah. हुण दूण दूण दूण Who wouldn't want to bottom to this woman? That's a great question. So how do you how do you win so you're kinky fifty fifty kinky? How do you express that to lovers that you meet? Man. It's challenging. It is and most of the time They are not on my level.

No. Yeah. I scare the shit out of them. I usually run them off. Oh that's too big. That's very sweet. So do you find that when you when you meet a new partner and you're you're talking about sexual things that then they run off or Yes, they're like oh no you're not doing that to me. Nope, I'm the dominant one. You're not going near my ass. You're not tying me up. You're not nope nope nope nope.

I do feel like especially many people watching would say, Well, there are plenty of people who would switch with you. Please tell me where you guys are hiding. I would love to know. Inquiring minds. Yeah. So I always find that when you're starting a new relationship, uh the So you meet somebody, you're hanging out with them, you like them. Yeah. Yeah, the chemistry's working. Personality. You're both you're both heading towards that sexual moment. Yes. Right? It's time to have the conversation.

It's time to have the conversation. And it's time to have the conversation about sexual likes, sexual dislikes. Yeah. With nose. And that's a far better place to do than all of a sudden your lovers for Three weeks, three months, three years, and then it's like, What? No, I don't want to do that. And and then it kills the whole relationship, right? Because that's Yeah. Yeah. Maybe the opposite where you they don't tell you that they want something. Like For example

Men liking to be pegged or bottoming, sometimes they won't tall their partner because they're afraid their partner won't like it. Right. Right. Um, when really If you had just told them in the first fucking place, you could have stopped wasting everybody's time, which all I know is also challenging. It's hard to be able to come to the place where you feel like like you're very self-aware and self-actualized. Most people aren't. It's hard for them to say like

Hey Destiny like I'm a man and I want you to fuck me in the ass. Like it's hard I wish I wish there were Would you love it? Just come to me, be like, Let's do this, baby. Yes. I want you in my ass. Come on. Get touch my asshole. There's a there's a lot of guilt and shame involved in uh uh any number of practices in the city. There really is. In sexual practices. Just because you want to do it, societally it's been vilified. Who knows what I mean?

I understand why, but it's just ridiculous. So you need to get over that. I also think Ian Rath that like the image that a lot of bottoms, uh male bottoms specifically have of women, is that a woman who looks like

This isn't gonna want something like that. She's gonna be um prudish or ladylike or reserved. And because that image of people who look like us has been put forward in media, so I think it is really important, even just that she's sitting here saying that she likes those things, that people can know that that is out there. I wish people weren't so intimidated or closed-minded, open to trying new things.

Experimental. Yeah. Well it's like we talk it's what we talk about every episode all the time. Peer to peer communication. Peer-to-peer communication. And honesty will get you what you want. Yeah. Um and if it doesn't, I hate to say it, but then you're probably with the wrong partner. If something is really, really important to you So let let me let me clarify this. If something is important to you for your body, you should be able to work it out. If something is important to you

You for your partner's body, no. If they don't like it, the answer is no. So when I say do you want to think about it, if I'm asking Destiny to do something to my body that I like, and Destiny says, uh, I don't know if that's for me, I say, do you want to think about it?

It but if I ask Destiny to do something to her body and she says no, I don't try to coerce her and say, Do you want to think about it? I say thank you for letting me know your limits, and I fucking move on. So it that is definitely a one-way street. But if your partner's asking to

Receive something and you've never tried it, or maybe you're afraid, or it's not the role that you think that you were meant to fill in society. Maybe do some soul searching and think, like, maybe my husband does want to be fucked in the ass, and I could say, like, he's still masculine and he's still beautiful.

Beautiful and I as a woman, not me obviously the you as a woman could say, Um, darling, I will play with your asshole and I I will give you that and I do love you and I love all of you, including your asshole. Mm-hmm. There there's there's nothing there is nothing sexy about coercion. No. Nothing. And there's nothing sexy about somebody trying to bully somebody into doing something. Don't do that. Your bottom or

Person receiving, if you're versatile, bottom acting at the moment says no, it's fucking no. But if you're the bottom and you want to say to your top, I'd love to receive this from you, that's a good conversation and that's a good level of flow. And that's what

where um an exchange and compromise can happen. And I think it's really important to understand the difference. What? Because don't fucking hold your girlfriend down and say, are you sure you don't want me to fuck you in the ass? But she said no, don't do it. Don't keep keep your dick away from her asshole. Well, I've had problems like that in the past before I started eating.

Same. I have had problems with people holding me down saying, are you sure you don't want this? Yes. Motherfucker, I said no. Yeah, then it's just then it's just coercion and rape. Don't Do not do that. I might I I can't say I haven't been on the other side where I might have pushed try to keep pushing the guy to like get into the stuff that I like. How'd that work? Okay, how'd that work?

Ah, let me just say, uh it probably made h made it worse or or relationship worse and probably pushed him away. Sure. Yeah, and this is a good thing. Yeah. Maybe maybe he thought, you know, she's too crazy, she's too aggressive, maybe he was intimidated by me, but um Um but it didn't foster intimacy. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for your honesty. Yeah, I I I n I realize I shouldn't have pushed and You push a little too hard. I pushed a little See now here's the thing.

You guys will want that kind of dynamic. And that's what it's about. It's about the peer-to-peer conversation at the beginning to say like I do to say I do have a strong personality. I do want to top you. I do want to talk in this fashion. Does that work for you? And for the guy to say yes it does work for me. Or for him to say no and for you to be like, thank you for not wasting my time. Next please.

See, I wish they could just be open and honest and up front just like I am in the beginning and wouldn't waste each other's time. I agree. Because when I'm trying to be a top and I'm trying to choke you and then you're like, No, like you can't dominate me like well then why didn't you just say that in the beginning so Peer to peer conversation. Let's talk about peer-to-peer structure. Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

We're talking about like when you get together on a date with someone, um, what's the correct way to start the peer-to-peer structure? So, Destiny, if you were on a date with someone.

And stuff is going well, you're having good chemistry, you realize that like ethically you're aligned with the person and like you feel like a good vibe from them. How do you start your peer-to-peer sexual conversation? How would you start it? Or how would you like them to start it? Yeah, how would you like them to start it with you?

What could they say to you that would make you feel comfortable saying, Oh thank you for asking, I do like these Um If we're on it just on a date getting to know each other. Just on a date. On a date getting to know each other. Or maybe maybe second date. First date are you not a first dater? That makes sense. So second date third. Yeah. 'Cause we gotta know where we It takes you a minute. Right. Second date, third date.

Date, fourth date, whenever you want to start talking about you, you you're vibing with them, and you're like, We we may want to have sex. So how do you how would you go about So first I probably would ask um him or her What they're comfortable with or if they're more dominant or sub or a switch and usually none of them are switches. They're either DOMS or subs. Okay, that's interesting. And it's been really hard for me. But it's hard'cause you want another versatile. Yes.

Yeah. Well I think I think there's a lot of switches out there that are just embarrassed to have met their switches for some weird. Switching. Switching. Yeah, and I it's just switches have been kind of vilified forever and I don't know why. Bisexuals. Yeah. Yeah, like similar. It's similar for sure.

Yeah. So and the thing about doing anything that we've got any of the stuff that we've all any of the bondage gear that we've got laid out on the table here is it's an it's an exercise in trust. Yeah. You have to trust If you're being put into bondage you have to trust the person that's putting you into bondage implicitly. Right? And if you're putting somebody into bondage, you have to trust them that they're not gonna they're gonna be comfortable and they're not gonna freak out.

And they're gonna communicate. Now here's the thing, if you're getting put into bondage, you have to be a good communicator. You have to like know I'm uncomfortable or my hands going to sleep or no this is not a good position. You just can't. Take it. Yeah. You you have to be vocal, depending on what your power dynamic is, if it's high protocol or no protocol. I kinda like my bondage stuff to be virtually no protocol. If you need something peer-to-peer, tell me and it's gonna happen.

Peer to peer player. is now if you're if you're doing like a D S scene or an M S scene, yeah, protocol's all fun and and cool and stuff, but for bondage, at least for me most of the time, it's it's like

How are you? Are your hands okay? Is your ankle okay? Are you comfortable? Are you good? Can you be there for a while? What would you like to do now? And we would talk about what to do before you get into bondage. Do you want to have do you want to be c put in these frog ties and do you want to have sex? What kind of sex do you want to have?

I wanna do it all. Right. I always say I wanna do it all. I'm when I mean do it all, I pretty much mean like everything. There's only like two or three things Well we would have if we started being lovers we would have to clarify. We would have to d do notes. So write What Destiny is saying um is just say what you want, just say what your goals and limits are. But be honest.

And and destiny gets what destiny wants because destiny's a good communicator in that fashion. And and you should be too. And what Ian Rath is saying is that it's okay to get into minutiae. Yeah.

It's okay to have a long conversation that are like extended goals and limits. Yeah. And maybe like what's good today and this evening. Yeah. Or like what's gonna be good tomorrow and then maybe tomorrow it changes, you're in the mood for something else. Yeah. So like all of these communication Communication is sexy and I know it's hard for everybody because we as Americans are just not raised that way and it's terrible and I hope that you guys are all able to overcome that like

national trauma, one of the national one of the many national traumas that we all experience in common of having that like low sexual communication. I hope that you guys are over uh are able to overcome that. And we're here to help you and facilitate Say what you want. Say what you don't want. What are you like this? Your goals and your limits and your things and the stuff and what you want in your butt and what size you want in your butt and what material you want in your butt.

Tell it like it is. Tell it like it is. I was saying. So You can see yourself, yes. Sit at the bar all night long, but until you order a drink, you're not gonna get one. So express yourself, express yourself nicely. Don't be a pain in the ass about it. But like sweetheart Um I'm thinking. Mm I would like to experiment with bondage. Yeah. And how would you feel about it? How do you feel about it?

How do you feel about that? And yes, there can be limits on that. And then once you get somebody in bondage, you have to stick to what you said you're going to do. You can't like, haha, now's the time I can do butt stuff with you. Yeah, don't betray the trust because Have a conversation. First. Yes. You have to wake up with the person. Yeah. And you don't want them holding an ice a water a bucket of ice water or, you know, worse over your fucking face.

So if I put you in bondage and we've discussed a scene and then I go outside the confines of what we discussed, have I broken trust? Absolutely. You're never gonna trust me again. And it's not gonna happen. Not okay. It's not okay. I can't see that happening with me anyways. Maybe somebody else, but Dusty is very down. Uh We would Long conversation to see to see how how that would work. Right? Long conversation. Exactly. That's the long form conversation thing.

Destiny is also a very ki good communicator during sexual congress. Very direct communicator during sexual congress. Hey I need this. Hey I need that. Hey, can I have this? Hey, can I have that? Hey do we have this? Hey do we have that? Exactly. Direct.

Now you've met, and I know you you you know these people is people who are horrible communicators who do Oh boy. No no no. Not outside, but during sex. Oh yeah. Right? And they're just horrible communicators. Yes, thank you for bringing it up, Ian Rath. I have I I'm not talking about anybody specifically. No No specific humans. No. We're generalizing. That's correct. I have met Terrible communicator. So Fucking sucks. So Fucking sucks.

So you if you're gonna do a scene, if you're gonna do bondage, you're gonna do S and M, you need to communicate before you do it what your goals, what your limits are, particularly what your limits are are very good. Your comfort levels during Comfort levels during Don't be the round the butt. Just be blunt. And then and then and then when you're doing it, if you're having a hard time communicating, you have to figure out a way around that. Whether it's like

We need to stop. We need to stop and then I need to chill and then we need to talk about what happened. Right if you can't continue right then because something went wrong or you're uncomfortable or you didn't like it direction. Access to self actualization importance. Fantastic. Yes. Segue, thank you so much. Access to self-actualization and bluntness. Destiny and I are very comfortable being blunt. You might not be, and that is also completely valid. What do you need?

to be able to express yourself. That's that's the question. That's always the question. Yeah, what do you need? Do you need like, hey, I just need to come out of bondage right now. I need to think about it and I need to remove myself and I need to just I just like as my friend said last night we were talking, I just need a fucking minute.

Yeah. You just need a fucking minute, you take your fucking minute, and then you can say, Hey, I processed things and I thought about a destiny, and what I needed was this. Bondage thing, it's too restrictive around my neck, and I thought I would like it, but I don't. Can we try something that doesn't have neck? Yeah. And what would you say? I would respect you. In fact you you told it like it was, you were up front.

Kelly, we got this and we got that and like what do you want me to tie you up with? I always And more happy sex gremlins. Even when I'm in a relationship like that, I always ask like, Okay, so you're not cool with this, you're you're not cool with degradation, um, or degradation. Yeah. I don't like the word either. Um humiliation. Or small penis humiliation. Um Which you're giving everybody a boner out there right now. Everybody who wants someone to like top them and fuck their phones.

A lot of guys are not like There's like a certain limit a lot of guys have. They're like no like like hard like talking down on me or you know, talking about my small penis and I'm like What's the fun in that? I feel like I don't know. To me, if you're gonna if It like when I'm a Dom, I'm a super Dom or I'm a super sub. There's no like middle ground for me. Do you like it all? Yes. So it's weird when someone has like restrictions. I'm like So this okay. But a lot of people have restrictions.

This is a this is a really good. Yeah. So You use the word weird. So for you or all Awkward. It's it a different the variance in head spaces. We only have our own head spaces. Right. So Destiny can say, like, that is weird to me, that you like this thing and not that thing. And then Destiny can also say, but I respect it. I don't have to agree with you, but I can respect I respect it. I respect it.

And then Destiny can also say, by the way, we can't be monogamous because I want someone that I can call their penis small. And if you don't like that, I also need these things, which is advanced polyamory, which we should maybe do that at at some point in other class. Right. Because I don't believe in monogamy, because my partner does not owe me all of the sexual things that I desire. Exactly.

They don't owe me shit. I don't know them shit and they don't know me shit. And if I want something that they don't like, I am free to then go find somebody that does want. Well I think that's a good thing. Yes. But particularly if you're topping, you need in different situations take ego if something doesn't go out out go correctly completely out of the equation.

Because if you get your ego involved, it becomes all about you. Why don't you like it? You should like this. Well I don't like it. I I don't want to do that anymore. Why? I'm I'm doing an amazing job. No, I just don't like it. Yep. I I don't Yeah, and you've got you've gotta match up and you have to respect who you're you're playing with or you're you're having sex with or else it's just never gonna work.

Right? I will say that like your concept of your topping and dominance does work for an awful lot of people. Really? Oh yeah. Yeah. It works for an awful lot of people. You just haven't you just haven't. Yes. I think it's about expanding your social service. I feel like I just need someone who's more free spirited, open minded and blunt and honest and upfront and we would have no issues. 하바라 하바라

I'm ready. I want handcuffs. I want the ball gag. I want to see but I also wanna do that to my partner. Right, so these will fit. These are spreader bars. These are some very nice spreader bars. These articulate the The ends articulate, which is nice. Um and it it it size, you pull these pins out and it'll get narrower, shorter. Fabulous set of spreader bars. Um Yeah. I did say we were friends. I did say that to you. Yes, you can't do it. I could be hanging upside down. I like Nick.

A lot of guys don't like nipple clamps. That's all. And then have you ever been frog type? Like why why don't they like nipple clamps? I'm like if I can handle it, why is your nipples more sensitive than mine? Do you want nipple clamps? Shall I go grab some? I mean yeah, I'll do nip plants. I mean I like maybe A complete sub I like pain, I like getting my ass slapped until it's red, like I don't care if you leave marketing.

But that's something else you need to talk to your partner about is marks. Can you have marks? Can they have marks? Can they not have marks? Do they like marks? Do they not like marks? Doing marks properly. Where someone is marked properly. Well some people can't be marked because of Correct. Their job or where they leave Because you can't. work in an office and all of a sudden have team market I also would like to say, um just for accountability that I

definitely also have been um especially with cis men um and I definitely push them into doing things to me that they were uncomfortable with. Uncomfortable with. And I do feel bad about it. And I do feel like I have accountability now where I can say like where was my headspace in this

moment. Why did I feel like this was an appropriate thing to say? Why did I feel like this is an appropriate thing to do? And for me it is largely reaction to the patriarchy. And I it's I struggle with it because I don't want to react to the patriarchy.

And I'm also unable to not react. Yeah. And it's definitely a struggle for people who look like us. So if you are struggling with any of these concepts, that is okay. Destiny has struggled. I have struggled. In Wrath has struggled. We are not perfect. We are not trying to sit here and say we know what what the fuck we're doing. We this is only our way of doing things. We want you to do things your way so long as you care about yourself and you care about others. Um do no harm and take no shit.

But you're going to evolve. Yes. And you'll and you'll learn and change and actualize. If you if you start if you if you end up with any of these products and you use them on your partner, you're gonna make mistakes. And that's okay. The thing is that if you make a mistake, own it. Yeah. Talk about it. Have accountability. accountability and don't do it again. Yeah, don't be a dick.

Okay, what what what did I do that upset you? What did I do that wasn't right? What did I do that wasn't pleasurable? And talk about it afterward, come to some conclusions, come to some ways you can get around that and Hopefully work things out and go Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know that rolling you over on your tummy with these on would hurt you. Well you never doing that again.

You can only get better at things by trying it trying it out, making mistakes, but keep going, keep trying, keep practicing. So if you think the very first time you're gonna dom or the very first time you're gonna sub or the very first six months or year you're gonna dom or sub, you're gonna be fabulous. You're not. You're not. Let me tell you. I've never seen you do anything. I I suck when I Yeah. Yes.

I've I've done things, we've sucked, we are not perfect. We're not saying that we're better than anybody. We're just saying here's how we do things. And also like you're just like us. We are imperfect people who are just trying to do our best. So you're just like. But as long as you learn and You try any. And you move forward and you talk about what's gonna make things better, that's what really counts. That that counts for so much is open communication. Thank you.

And not making the same mistake twice. That is that is insanity, right? Doing the same thing and expecting a different result. I read that on the internet. Yeah, I think it's a good idea. Read it on. Oh. Oh shit because they have Bazuoka bubblegum when you want to. Yeah I was it's yeah. I wrote the dinosaur to those the pre seven eleven it was like what would it be like six ten. It wasn't even seven eleven. Stupid.

So yeah, it was a long time ago. But learn from your mistakes. You're gonna make'em. Go ahead, crack up. You good? You good? You good? A little hot? Six ten is hilarious. How have I never heard that before? I'm just making this shit up. You just made that up. Fucking hilarious. But you're gonna make mistakes, know you're gonna make mistakes, and be very chill about it. Be chill about it. What I used to do when I ver when I first started is um I would laugh my ass off.

Because it's funny because I didn't know how to DOM, I had the perception of how to DOM I'd watched other people do it, but until you do it, it's like look, I love F1 racing, but if you stick me in an F1 car, it's not gonna be good. It's not gonna work out well at all. You know, go 30 miles an hour, you're not gonna be a good one. car drivers aren't we? Yeah. Well we want to be race car drivers. I mean we're s we're driving something. Yeah.

All right, man. Bye. So look, we're gonna take a quick break. We need to do some practical application of bondage. Yeah, we're gonna we've got a lot of stuff to get through and uh destiny is a little squirmy over here. She said it was good she said it was gonna be a really wet day and I don't see it raining, so I don't know what's going on. Yeah. So we will be back in just a second.

This is Ian Rath. Thank you for downloading and enjoying the podcast. XRU is brought to you by extremerestraints.com.

StreamRestraints.com and XRU believe that adults of all genders, orientations, cultures, identities, and abilities have the right to choose their sexual identity and express without fear of judgment or We support the right to intimacy and passion in sexual relationships, the pursuit of sex positive education and sexual desires, to help educate people to have healthy and fulfilling sex lives, and to encourage sexual exploration and enhance sexual wellness.