Breaking Down Walls: The Struggle of Hyper-Independence

Hello and welcome to another episode of Words With Myself.

It is very common for hyper-independent people to be very isolated and lonely. And typically, the way people get into this state is through long periods of forced self-reliance where they had to fend for themselves.

They were in survival mode and they knew that they couldn't trust anybody or rely on anyone for their own safety not just a roof over your head and some food to eat but also your emotional safety to be loved to be cared for to be looked after to have someone to trust when you lack these things for extended periods of time, you begin to reject help even if it's offered. Even if somebody tries to help you, you are afraid of losing an element of control.

To give that to somebody, to rely on somebody for something. Feels alien and foreign.

It can be hard to work up the courage to actually place your faith in someone and trust and depend on someone, even to do something small because it feels like you are giving over a piece of power and something within your control once you are stuck on that mode you're in survival mode so you are doing everything that optimizes your chances of survival and that means that you need to be capable so we get this need this desperation to do everything ourselves to not let

anyone in to not let anyone close we put up these walls and these boundaries and it takes a long time to relearn how to actually build relationships and to let yourself trust somebody or allow somebody in because it feels like weakness it feels like compromising your safety and security when really if you are forming the right kind of relationships you're actually doubling your safety and security you have somebody else to lean on and you can both help

each other but this is actually rarely what happens when a hyper-independent person forms a relationship or friendship with somebody.

Instead of allowing them in they extend themselves out so they will help their friend they will help their partner they will do everything for them but won't actually allow that person to help them to do things for them there is this one-sided relationship and typically you get two kind of scenarios you either get an abusive scenario where someone takes advantage of that person who is giving and doesn't want to take back so they just take take take and don't care or you end

up with somebody who's fighting to be let in and somebody resisting and that hyper independent person won't want to ask for help they don't want to let that person in or give over a part of control of themselves they don't want to let their guard down because previously it will have been abused or betrayed and this means that not only is the trust in the individual eroded but the trust in people in general has gone.

And this creates a vicious cycle. If you can't trust people, you can't let people help you or let people in. So you become more independent, which means you become more isolated and more lonely. It's only when that loneliness gets unbearable does it mean that it prompts the person into action and forces them to go out into the world and to meet people.

But this hyper-independence will then eventually end up eroding most of the relationships that you try to form because if you don't trust the people in your life and those people don't feel like you trust them that is going to tarnish your relationship with them people want to feel wanted in a relationship whether it is a friendship a romantic relationship or a family member people want to feel like you want them and value them in your life and if you're taking this stance that you don't

need them and you're keeping yourself somewhat detached, then they're going to feel that. And why should they trust you if you don't trust them? Or even if it's not about trust, but you feel like a burden or a nuisance asking for help or asking for your needs to be met.

By not allowing people the chance to help you or meet your needs or do something nice for you or pay you a compliment or show you their gratitude by denying them the opportunity for this you're denying them the ability to love you and show you that love and you are staving off all of your relationships waiting for something bad to happen or waiting for the person to run off and leave you that you're not even allowing the relationship to flourish and you're sabotaging

those relationships that you have with people by maintaining that independence and. You are ensuring that you are maintaining your loneliness.

You need to be able to allow people in and trust people if you want to form relationships with them. And of course there is a chance that people hurt you again. That people betray your trust or go behind your back or betray you or hurt you. But you need to trust that you are not the same person you once were. That you have grown, that you have learned, that you are now capable and you can look after yourself. And you don't need those people, but it is nice to have them.

And it's nice to let people do things for us. It's nice to allow people to love us and let people show us that they love us and care for us. Because your faith is not in people.

It's not that you trust people to never make a mistake or never do anything wrong but it's that you trust yourself that you will be okay that you can look after yourself you can give yourself what you need you love yourself and that is enough and everything else is extra and additional and that's beautiful it's nice to have things that are extra and additional it's nice to have a life and not just be surviving every day because that's not really living that

is just surviving and if you're just going about your days maintaining and making sure that you are alive that works for when you need to be in survival mode but when you have stabilized your environment when you have come out of that survival necessity you can then begin to explore what it means to truly be living and you can't live in isolation. You can only survive in isolation. You can't thrive there.

You must find a way to repair your relationships with people, to be able to extend yourself and allow others to extend themselves to you, to form friendships, to form relationships, to realize that not everyone is bad.

Not everyone is going to treat you the way that some people have treated you and that there are amazing beautiful people out there that just want to care about you and love you and laugh with you and enjoy good experiences and those experiences are multiplied because of that love because of that connection when you have been on your own for so long you can convince yourself that you don't need it that you're better off without it but there are these little moments where

you have a moment or an interaction with somebody and it really brightens your day and it catches you off guard and catches you by surprise and you realize if you let yourself feel it that those moments are magical.

And beautiful and there's some joy there and some happiness and you can't ignore the fact that you don't get that feeling when you're around people even if you convince yourself that you're better off alone the truth will get pulled out of you in these rare moments where you share something with somebody you share a moment you have a nice conversation or somebody makes you a nice remark about you or somebody helps you when you didn't ask for it i truly believe that what is to be found

on your own is peace but to find joy to find happiness.

That must be shared with another you can find peace on your own but you won't feel that happiness and that joy without sharing the moment with somebody that you love and I didn't think it for a really long time but there are a lot of great people out there there are a lot of people that are kind and loving and understanding and joyful and happy and funny there are people that are amazingly talented people that are beautifully creative and expressive

people that just catch you off guard people that have just an aura about them there are so many different types of people that when we generalize people as bad we only serve to cut ourselves off from our biggest source of happiness and joy thank you for listening.