No Autographs, Please! "The Buffet Is Open!" w/ Lauren Lapkus

some like life, bad dates, bad Dates. It's so fun. We hope you will check it out, like and subscribe. We're gonna put the first three in our feed, but you can go on the real feed. You can go on to know how ourgographs please on Apple and just like and subscribe. Please do so. This one now this week is with Lauren Lobkis gotcha No, who are you wearing? Will be pressed? Yeah, and I hear it last there be this and they've got lots of podcast but honey, no, no, no,

no trees. We're leaving the clam and life like celebrities sharing my favorite baby bit recipes, but no no hotographs nor manager. I had to come alive, right, I have to be the bats. Ryan are yoking and you come out of your circle to beat Listen. All I know is this, Yes, when I did a yoga twice? Yes, they have you do a position where you hang upside down. Yes, as a bat. Okay, and I have two words to me plus one. So three words for Robert Pattinson. Huh,

I'm the batman? Do you understand I? Women, I'm sorry that felt like you're a threat, like like I was doubting you. I guess what, honey, you are the batman of this podcast. Well as a very famous person. Ardn't of course I'm threatened by Robert Pattinson's career. Can I just say, Robert Pattinson has been coming after you for years. You would have been such a better Edward College. Of course, you would have been the perfect lydiatar. We get passed over. Hello,

and welcome to another episode. I can't believe it. No autocrass, but I can't believe it. This is our sophomore effort. This is our sophomore effort. And guess what, we've got a star start. Like the leading movies. Literally, the press is here. They're in the bushes, the press. Did anyone follow you in Scooba gear? Lauren Lapka? Oh? Hi, Next guess from Jurassic World? You know her from the Wrong Missy? You know her from Orange? Is this new black? You

know from Orange? You you're a good girl. Orange. You're a good girl. Orange, You're a good girl. Ladies and gentlemen, Lauren Lapka, I'm so happy to be here. Second guess, well, I had to break three like you have paparazzi that kind of lives outside of your plane. Yes, because I wasn't sure if that was just how that person looked. No, otherwise they would have growth coming up. I recently saw that the last they would be like Pinocchio that but

like when he had to lie? Did you see the Guermo del Toro version of so he when he Pinocchio had to save Geppetto and he had to lie and make his nose grow like a tree shrub you get him out of the store. Any sense? It was like, I'm sorry, sure it's pronounced that way, Pinocchio because I read it as Pinaccio. I read it as Mozzarel. I read it as Pinocchio, pins Pinocchio, Pinisio. Maybe I'd like to see growl. Oh my god, Lauren, I just had

a vision, Pini Tokio. I just had a vision of a calling of a press thing which I'm just gonna put into the back Evening's not gonn bring it up. I know the story. I have to say it. It tickles me from It's the funniest story that anyone that we're told, and no one's ever heard. It's the funniest story. It's the greatest myth of all time. Even doctor Banana shout out, Doctor Banana, shout out the ones and two. You don't even know this story. This is the greatest story.

Maybe at the end, maybe, but maybe we'll be closed up by the end of the pod. But and I'm not part of it. No, you're here. You mean by today this podcast wraps up fourth season. By the way, You're Gonna be, you Gonna be a series. You are getting a gift card today. I am getting a seventy five dollars and by the way, American exact gift card was made in the US of A. Okay, well it

better be, and the better believe that. I'm going to go straight to the Mall of America and have been that shood what are you gonna get you swipe swipes? What are you gonna do? Song? By the way, those the fact that I mean, the way the way they expect us to have no can I do this no pubis By the way. Also, look, I don't mind the shape of my ass. I gotta fine as sure the actual flesh. Do I want everyone to see the action

of my skin. It's fine in a bathing suit, the skin it is at all order to think that we're all are full on assholes onto. I don't want my asshole on now, which brings us to no auto bring it back to me. Okay, you know, Mike, Okay. I want also to say we both traveled with Brian to Rhode Island. Yes, and now you missed this. Bridan was going on a date Bridan but not on a bunch of dates to Rhode Island. Ran went again when we went again without me. But you're welcome, you were invited.

You have a life and a family. You have a life, life and a family. Brian went without me, Brian her choice. Brian got ready to go on a date. He was wearing a bathing with a with a windbreaker tucked in, tucked it tucked in like he tucked in, he tucked into. I was going to Newports tucked in, he tucked into his bathing suit like Bruce raw string string she was

like panty shorts and like boat. She was was a tucked in windbreaker that he'd walked to the of course, and my tennis had as you did you expect to go in the water? No, I had, No. I didn't think that was going to happen. I expect him to be wearing a bathing suit as well. You have to understand no, because we were going to a place in Newport that looked kind of like fancy the house in Arden goes. I think he deserves better than Wow, you

put on shittier than how she said it. It was no. I have my friend Brian, and I felt like I just again, I had not this was right. I was as a divorcee yr. I had not. Actually I had not actually activated any accounts. Yeah, I was. So I was more asking questions. So the idea of going on a date was scary to me, and I was like, you're look, is this what you would wear? I just didn't know is this what it's like out there? So that I was like, so I knew when I started dating.

I had to get a windbreaker. I had to get men's trunk. I did tucket it. I had to get boat shoes, I had to get a tennis had lesson, learn less and learn change often. I did end up putting on a shirt with a collar. But it was a beautiful I mean it was like, am I wrong in thinking that if two men are going on a date, one won't be mad to see the other's penis outlined by a bathing suit? I don't think that would be that's true because all every man wants to send, not

necessarily receive. Any man on earth wants to send. Yes, is it just a close up of his dick and doorballs? Now? You I remember you got one and it said it said while we were there, and it just said uncut? What did it say? First of all, uncut gems? And I am talking about that, I'm Sandler movie Dick is out of context? Then dick is cut? Yeah, okay, honey. What happened was someone reached out to me grinder, and the pickup line was the question that I was asked, Yeah,

big loads, big loads. That wasn't very serve them, you know, man, I like to think that I'm pretty virile. And uh, all I know is you come around me. Yeah, get out that fucking pop tart baby, yeah, no icing, Yeah, because it's gonna fill up with sprinkles. Yes, you know, yes, Can I just say I love talking metaphors? Sprinkles come out of your peepee? Of course they did. We I went on a date with somebody who turned out to

be not a nice person nowhere. And the upshot that we know that we know, And the upshot was I found out that he confessed again, I've not been on any date at all in years. When he confessed he was embarrassed that he basically like coughed dust, like he had nothing, like nothing came out I have. I didn't even like, I didn't like hook up with it. He just but he was like he told me his fear. He was worried about losing his hair. And you know this person, well, I'm pretending I don't. Okay, I know

who this is. I have some hot gauss yeah about I have a friend who works in entertainment. Mary Hart, it's very hard the white suppress a supremacist. There was a rumor that she was she spoke at like Trump rallies. I don't know. I shouldn't even say that, Okay, okay because I don't know, but anyway, okay, and I would hate to offend her obviously, But um, apparently propetia makes

you come clear. What isn't that wild? No? One that makes it come out like a color, like a rainbow, like a like a like a like a swirl, like a swirl, like doesn't like gas puddle like I'm over at exactly. Yeah, Sam, I'm surprised they haven't come up with that yet. There should be a pill you can take to make your compul Yeah. It makes things come out of our bodies differently. I do want to say this. There is such a thing back to the anything, There is such a thing. I have learned a butt facial

What is that? Basically? But you have to like apparently go in. This person who by the way told me, said it, like, yeah, just go get when you have to do it every week? And I'm like, are you win money? And time? Do they have? They like botox it, they like do all this stuff to make it like look, wait, that must or the cheeks Oh no, no, no, the cheeks that must be what a lot of these people are doing you have to Oh no, I think they do. Like I think it's like a thing. So wait, what

do they do? They do you can move botox and your booty. Yeah, it's called a butt facial. I don't want to do that. I'm not recommending it. I don't want to do I think should we do that, should sit on it and have pooke them out? Right? Next week? You're absolutely right? Can I just say, your makeup looking really, we'll get to your makeup. They talk about that now, Yeah, you look good, look forward, we'll talk about that. Everyone knows. At the end of this episode, we make a peanut

and we're going to get talk beauty. We talk beauty. And now, Brian, now I want to give a shout out to our no autograph please of the week. Yes, okay, Now for those of you who don't remember new from our one episode. If you couldn't remember from our one episode, because I no and no out of graphs please. Energy. It's sort of like a fucket energy. It's something who

was blindly sometimes delusionally confident and aspired to that. Yes, okay, yes, So I want to give because again because because we can, we can be hard on ourselves. Of course. And I feel like I want to incorporate some of that fake it tea and make it like blind confidence Hollywood Provado. So here's a person that I would like, Denomic. This is circling back to the hometown of where you had your date and think in Rhode Island. So there's a general store. It's the only store in town. I'm gonna

give out, shout out Wilbur's General Store. I've been there's how great is that store? Literally we did how great is Wilbur's. It's a fantastic store what I love so much. You walk in and it kind of reminds you of old dime stores from the end of the day. Completely it has like a Woolworth's field from nineteen twenty, wooden,

creaky floor. But then you kind of go into other rooms and there's like good home whears, like like napkin sets, some like you know, butter dishes and cans beautiful and then you keep going and you can go to like the paint department and get chained for your Anna. You've been there, and this is the only store in town.

This is it. And that's honestly where that's where my you know, bike comes to a sputter stop because I feel I need many stores and many options that I don't know that I could handle one store, one store, everything online Nordstrum though, it's like the Nordstrom, a little compet It's like the Nordstrum where everyone knows everybody's business. Well, I hope you don't ever move to Communist Russia from back in the day options. Thank you. That's right. Are

we really going to have this fight again? No, you're right. I said we wouldn't do this. That's that's why I got divorced. That's different. Differently it is divorced. Our fight was so bad. We had a divorce. Different everyone else. I hate fuck you. Fould you foot college. Mom swear in front of me, thank you for fixing than we can't say such. No, that was from a real Housewives of Salt Lake City. This sun goes you don't want mom. Fudge College, honestly fudge that Fudge College. I did see

the Fudge College shirts. Did you see that? Yeah, we're incredibly Fudge College. So here's my shout out to no autographs please. Energy of the week. There was a woman who shall remain nameless from my hometown. She had no teeth, and she smoked a corn cob pipe. She was a little old lady. Sounds like my future aspiration by So she would hang out at Wilbur's at the counter and just like fucking hold people. My mom would be like, oh shit, there's so and so all day. You're like,

you didn't want to get cornered by her. Yeah, but she didn't have a driver's license, and there's no obviously there's no Uber, not that, no taxi whatnot. So she would where would you go, literally just to Wilber's a bag that I do? You also want to say, the only Uber I've ever seen available in little Compton, for it takes forty five minutes to get there. Be the only option is uber pet every time your dog or yack. You don't have just a dog, you have a yack,

you've got chickens. There's a chicken. So this woman would hang out. She'd order groceries, but she couldn't bring them home because it's also way too far. Everybody lives miles away. So she would have like some of the local teens, these boys like these like teenage boys, college boys, They would get hired to drive the groceries. To her house shout out no autographs. She would then proceed you shout it out your own podcast. She's shut out her energy.

No autographs please. She would literally be buck naked answering the door in like a like a robe or like a full She would greet them like hello, hello young man, like college boy. That isn't the delusion of she would like greet them. That's right. She had. She had a corn cob pipe, no teeth, and and everybody knew if you get said groceries, that's a real no autographs please. Energy wonderful, isn't it. Well, yeah, I guess my hometown. Yeah, um,

a person who was bold, say the least. And one year she sent Christmas cards to everyone in the neighborhood. That's nice, that's very nice. Everybody loves christ very sweet. So far I loved, I love thought. It was like a green card with a gold wreath on the front. Gorgeous. And it said in her script, go to hell? Did she haven't printed up? And I wrote it in her intent? Wow? Yeah, was there a message that everyone got one? I knew you would like it. I told you you were gonna

like it. I told you you were gonna like I told you all about that. He is everything. It is very confident. We never I gotta say, because you're from Yeah, little little content Texas doesn't have that sass. It would just it would be like bless your heart or something. Yeah, you know underneath I feel like it has weight because that is like this was sort of like shocking and kind of hilarious. That is fabulous. Yeah. The real names of both of these women I know, and they're incredible.

I have one hometown hero of talking tact to me. She was my sex sad teacher. Wow, already personal over explain no, And she would always and the class would like sort of snicker when she said it, but she only said she pronounced it mature, which truly makes me sick. Mind too. Maturity, I said, puberty. And she would also say, and ladies, as you developed a boozem want to laugh. It's like she said, home going like ha ha, I said booze. I said mature, pubic care puobis pub Yeah,

pubs poobs. And then she would also she taught us about golden showers and she said, she said, quote now again this is back in the day. No, no, no, of course, and this is Massachusetts. Yeah, she said, some homosexuals are aroused by your nat and on one another. Oh my god, No, I had not held hands with the boy. I want that on a belt. And she taught us about Cleveland Steamers and I didn't And then and I had to actually confirm I not. I'd not even held hands with the boy. Why is she jumping

ahead of like explaining the pieces of a body. Let's just understand why not. Um My teacher was um definitely like a kind of butch lesbian in retrospecture we didn't catch by the way, okay, my smelled like tuna ficient and cigarettes. She was really like kind of like hardcore like person like just kind of like an intense, strong energy to her. And she had these two big dogs that she called bitches because they were female people. There was a it's always dog like dog breeders or people

like that. Yeah, bitches. Yeah, okay, that is so. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a journey. Will you before we sign off, will you give a shout out to the hero at the dump when you add another Little Compton hero when you tried to find up the schedule, I went to the Little Compton Dump, but if you don't know is I'm gonna compare it to um whatever. Not scary farm is in the rest of the year, not Sparry Farm. Yeah. Yeah, So so the dump is like a great place to go. Yes, it's really. It's so fun.

You didn't get to go, it's really fred get picked through the ship. You know, you have to drive and you're literally like driving on like a roller clip. So fine. If you've never been to a small town dump, you because you want. Yeah, you've been to the dump? Will you can you? This is our producer, doctor Banana. Doctor Bananna is doesn't take staying in Little Compton before you end up at the dump because I stay there because we had an airbnb so we didn't have to deal

with our own trash. We didn't have to do and actually got lucky. Yeah trash. Oh no, you didn't get lucky. We were lucky. And what were your thoughts on the dump? It was great. I love the sort of organizational sort of structure they have going on there. It feels like a ride. It's not very fun. Run into people. You can have small talk. People leave out things, items, they leave out chair, you can like you can't find something good. You can find something good. Okay, awesome, So, Brian, we

love the Dump. I love them. First of all, I got I was a celebrity at the domp. You were because you ran into someone with a very very fun name to say, if you're from Rhode. He popped out of the pop and he said, what did you hear your friend? What? He says? It's San Martin. Yeah, we went to school together. Yeah, obsessed, Ada and Sean Martin. There's a two three great names to stay from d I love it. Okay. So then you have to find out if we could bring the trash to the Dom.

I was tasked with the responsibility and I drove tourists. I think we had rented yeah, And I went to the jackazard and said, you've got to find out if they're open on Sunday. You gotta rent a tourists. You've got it, You've got to rent. I drive to the Dom and I asked the guy, are you guys open on Sundays. He looks at me like I have just absolutely taken a frying pan and smashed it on space and he goes, Sundays, Now, we're not open on Sundays. And I was like, oh, okay. I just wasn't sure.

He goes, and we're not open on Wednesdays, and I was like, oh, okay, cool, So now I know. He's like, yeah, we're not upen Wednesdays or Sundays. Got it, okay? And he goes, yeah, we're not up on Wednesdays, but we're not up in Sundays. So the way you can remember it, and I must have for sure this is imprinted on me, is he like Wednesday is the day when like normally people aren't closed. Yeah, Sunday everyone's closed, so it's like

one for another. And I was like, I love this neumonic No, this is like this is amazing because I will make up mnemonic devices that make no sense like this. Yeah, and then like I will that's how I remember where I parked or whatever. Like I'll be like, right, so if I park on like three B, I'll be like three B or not three B. But I'm like, that's not helpful because it makes you want to think to be or not to be. Yeah, but then you're like it's not, it's not it's the one that's not to be.

It's like, yeah, I love that. Yeah. Well he was a delight and like you said, Lauren, I will I will never forget it. I love him Now Art and I are going on a first date. Now everyone knows

everyone now, everyone legendarily knows. Everyone knows. We go on a first date every week and we use lines in this improv for the first date that people have sent in that are the worst lines that they ever heard on the worst thing they were ever told on a day's real lines that we're the worst one, lines that were said, taken out of context and really not fake ones.

We want the real and you can either you can either tweet to us at Arta Marine m y r N or at Brian Sofie don't tag both of us because we don't want to see each other, or you can email us at naps pod one at gmail dot com. We just need to hear the number one number, the number one. Yeah. We we just need the single line out of context that we said and we if we use it, we'll give you credit on air and um

and we're going to incorporate it. Lauren will be joining in on our bad day anytime before we say the line, we're gonna if it's a if it's coming up. That was a real thing that was emailed or tweeted it. You're gonna hear a bill like that, just like that. It's a real bell I bought. I bought a hotel bell. I bought a bell hop ball. I know, I want to go get the lug edge. Yeah, go get it, go get it, go get it? Is it? You know what? Let me explain inv Oh yeah, I keep the ball

in the air, babe. Wow wow wow okaya questions? Yes, technically do I need to put my microphone to the bell or just hit it? Okay? When we come back, we will be having a date at the cheesecake factory. We take you to the cheesecake factory where our date is in progress. Hey, you're a hummer Dannyka Trimble. Yeah, yes, oh you must be a keer el. It's actually Keen. Oh you're key, I'm Keen Alex ki e a E n well k e A Okay wait kay, So what's it like to work for a dying company? Okay, that's

a little rude. I mean, I'm sorry, I'm just curious. You know, M'm just trying to get Circuit City off the ground. Oh look, Circuit City is not necessarily dying. Sure, we're no best buy. But I mean, what's it like? Uh, you know, I gotta be honest with you. Um, it's not my main job. Oh yeah, I mean it's sort of a day job. It's sort of a day job. You're a dog trainer, aren't you? Are you a dog groover? I am a dog I'm a dog trainer and groomer,

very famously. And also I'm really passionate about cyclist rights and fighting for cyclists to get the same respect on the roadus drivers. Well, I did notice that you were wearing bike shorts with a windbreaker tucked in and a mule and I just thought that was a gore. Can we get a table here? What's the deal? Yeah? Can we get a day? Hi? SORRYO, I just I get this library book back by tomorrow. So I was just trying to finish it. Okay, this is great expectations? What

is it? Greg? Expectations? Greg expectations? It's like, is it like a young adult version? It's all about Gregg. He's got big expectations. I don't think he's ever going to see it through. Okay, he has to chart it. He's got a got a big he's got a big chest match. Okay, chest chest he's got a big chest match chest match. Oh, I think it's chess. It's really good at chest. I didn't know that, um, teens were still wearing like the out of mouth headgear. Oh I'm not a teen, Sorry,

I miss I mistook that. Okay, um, how old are you? That's how old are you? I'm twenty six? Well i'm forty two. Ok yeah, yeah, Well you know, at first I didn't realize what a big head you have because your boobs are so big that it all looks proportional that you know what rash? Can I just say I appreciate that I'm finally balanced out. I did have some surgery to correct I had quite a large chest. Can I say something in your defense? Yes, I am not

interested in dating beautiful people. I prefer interesting looking people, well like you. Well, I want you to know, in retaliation to that, I just checked out every single guy here. You're the hottest. You're kidding, Yes, you check them up. This guy made me watch a video of him winning a foot race against his co worker in their office building that day, and he kept your playing it and

got so stoked about himself that he got a boner. Wait, I didn't this guy made me watch a video of him winning a foot race against his co worker in their office building that day, and he kept replaying it and got so stoked about himself that he got a boner. Can I just say that I understand at Circuit City in order. Yeah, it's a dying company, okay, keen, But when I choose to keep them morale up. I am

as stant manager. I'm very proud of that. It's not my main goal in life, but you've got to have We've got Circuit City Olympics, You've got we compete against other We have intramurals against other Circuit Cities, team building. I'm sorry, I didn't mean for the question to be so antagonist. If people are running too slowly and getting in my way during a race, he'll elbow them so they falled down. Would you know what? Okay, do we

get a buzzer thing that we can hang out? You can hold out the page, just kind of put you in the system. The last name is tremble Dash Alex tremble A. People. That's if we get married. If she and I get married, that's going to be our Yeah, I'm going to take her second. So your last name is Alex. Yeah, my name is Keena. I'm going to tell you something. People get abducted and taken away from the things that they are the most familiar with in their lives. What do you mean. I'm just saying that

every day a tragedy happens. Okay, and here I remember now why I don't eat oysters. You know what? Can you seem like someone who would like renaissance fars? I love them. I actually used to work at one braiding women's hair. Women's just the name is Trimble Dash Alex. Table for two table, I already put it in. And you're in the system here where this buzz is you're I mean, do you want to just come back to my place and see my summer city? Oh? Yes, fun, Okay,

that's give it to me. You know, I work in I work at an electronic store. I sell in Texas instruments. Oh, and I gotta say this buzz. It's like you came in and fronted at me about Circus City and you work at Texas and oh I was trying to relate to you your table. I'm also your server, all right, table for two, not at the bar in a booth and not sitting next to either end. I only serve at the bar. Thank you, Todd. Well, I'll get you. I'll get you. I'll get you, Thank you, Ted, Thank you. Listen.

I don't know if this is too forward. Hi just sit, don't right over here, and then I'll be right. Thank you. Kimberly, Kimberly, I have to be honest, Kimberly. I need a menu that's the size of a binder. Can you make that happen? Do you always wear glasses because my ex husband wore glasses. You know what, I'm gonna get to that menu right now. It's clear you're not over your ex based on how much you've talked about him. I've said one thing. I've

said one thing. All I'm saying is move on. Okay. Look, did I finish my abduction story? Oh no, Okay, here we go, Kimberly. I don't think it was to me. Kimberly, can I tell you my abduction? I'd like to hear it. People are taken all the time, do you know what I mean? And given gone to second locations? Then if they don't never get to a second location, happened to me? You were taking to a second location? Yeah? Well, he young zipped his jeans like back on the bad and said,

but the buffet is open, and I know you can eat. Wait? What are you smiling? Worried? Makes me smile? Wow, Kimberly, are you okay? Listen, guys, I'm a cop. I'm a cop. Oh my god, I didn't. I didn't look. I just not. I told you it wasn't my main thing. You know. I'm a cop. I'm a cop. So sorry, can you just order now? I'll have a check. Did the explosion salad? Okay, I'll have the five thousand calories? Okay from a cop. It doesn't matter. I know, cops don't matter who I

don't know. I meant cops don't. Listen. Here's what I would like. And I need you to take pen to paper. Oh okay, I don't. I can do it all up here. I guarantee you can't. But here we go. Boy, I need clam millionaires. I'm gonna make a nomnic device in my head to me. I need chin oh dente. I need your very international Italian fish. Okay, so can you repeat that back to me clam today, yes, fit to ch clem don't help me, okay, but to cheen al dente.

Uh huh, Kimberly and an Italian fish. Whoa, I'm going to Milan. In the South they cook at the olive oil, which comes from olives, and in the North they cook with butter, which comes from I don't know, chickens. Okay, um, I'll be right back with those that you know what. It's all frozen and we just kind of yours is already. Oh yeah, it'll just be ready in two seconds, honestly, because I have to tell you if something is not deep frozen. Yeah, and if something is not something I

could recognize in a heartbeat for a freezer door. Yeah. Well, this shug or would you call myself? Huh, isn't appetized? No, I remember why I don't eat oysters. Oh my god, do you know what an oysters either? Kimberly, I don't know who else doesn't? Well? Um, Todd, where is Todd? Tore you cooking me? Todd? You at Pejoria? Are you all right? Oh my god? Are you right? I'm fine? I was falling. How old are you now? I'm ninety? Nut Todd, you're spill some jelly on your shirt. Let

me lick it off. It's not jelly, but you can lick it, okay a little. I feel like I'm having dinner with my dad. You remind me my sister. I really wanted to date your best friend, but since he has a girlfriend, I asked you out. God, I didn't know, Listen, I didn't know how to ask you out. Like I know, I know that Mary thought we might have something in common. Did because it because we because we're both interested in fan fiction. But I just need you to know I

remember heard. I need you to know that I've reevaluated my life and I now believe anyone who reads fan fiction must be a pedophile. So since you do, I'm concerned that this won't work out. You need to make more money here city. I'm gonna get a pencheon you know what, money I'll never forget what Mary told me when she talked to me about you. Well, let's cut two, okay, I Mary, Oh my god, I have the best woman

to set you up, can't. You aren't like a prophet when it comes to I just I have a crystal ball that I look into, and I just know who the perfect matches. Right here, I see it. It looks like the wonderful Emerald City, Wizard of Oz, we've got walking down the yellow Brick Road. It's the perfect woman for you, Dorothy, No, silly, it's a metaphor. Okay, but she did get her slippers off a dead witch. Shit, Okay, cut to Okay, listen, I m Mary, I just I'm really lonely. I know I do not want to be

with somebody the worst glasses. You know that my ex has been more glasses. I never want to hear about him again. I mean, listen, he was weak, he had no upper body straight well, he and his glasses obviously couldn't see for ship. He couldn't head eyes. That jeans anybody in my crystal ball, with which I only need one eye open, I see the perfect guy. He's a coward line with the heart of the tin man. Mary.

Cut to Mary, can I ask you a question, of course, sweetie, who is she supposed to be in this metaphor Wizard of Oz? So, okay, there's this character that we don't see much of in the original film. Who kind of we're supposed to be Excuse me, it's supposed to be a sorry split screen came together. Hi hi, Hi, I am I am tremble by your last name family, I go by Tremble. When you're a cop, you want to blend in as a lady cop slash circuit titty employee.

But I don't know, can I? Um? I just I really like for you to read my novel and give me feedback. Cut back to the cheesecake factory. Do you remember how we used to get along when we met by accident? We met on that split screen. That was so cute watching that flashback. Yeah, you liked it. I loved it. Kimberly, Okay, Kimberly, don't come in on my date. Okay, what can I just give you the best line? If you guys do end up going up, can you can we have a girl moment? Yeah? If you guys do

you end up going home to cover? Yeah, let's just give you the perfect thing to say here. It's just like this guy send this to me once. I'm like what, it felt really good? Yeah, I'm gonna try it. I'm gonna try it on. It was amazing, Okay, let's hear it. Okay, so I guess it's something he actually should be a guy moment aside. Yeah, wait, you want to just come here? Yeah? Yeah, just keep your hands busy tremble, so like what you need to say, like if you kind of want her

to like go down. Oh you know someone went down on me once in Baowolf of the movie. Okay, Well you kind of get her in your room into like you know, a position. Okay, and you say, let's put those clarinet skills to use in the bedroom of your heart. You cut yours apart. Hey, where's your sim city? I thought we were here to look at your sim city. I know it's in the other room, but I have to tell you before we get into my dick has two wholes. One word supposed to be in them, one

other time like a blowhole annoys. You see that Pinocchio with the it made annoise. It does make a noise um when you blow on it. Have you ever been to the symphony? No? Cut to the symphony is a symphony? I know. Do you want to meet the clarinet player? I love the clarinet Sarah. Sorry, didn't mean to scrape by. Sorry Sarah, my dearest heart. Yes, yes, we're on our third day. Never met a clarinet player, and I was wondering if you could, how do you perform it? Like? What? What? What?

Is that your process. You have to put a read on it a ring if you blow on it? Is that funny? I know you'd love, isn't she funny? So you suck on your read and then you slap it on in the clarinet up in the base. I feel like you guys are how do you know each other? We were adopted together at the same time. And then she started going down on me. No blood. But what I want you to explain to her is how my dick has the two holes? Oh I cannot okay, it's like you know, so it actually makes soup. I took

it to a bad place. Whatever. Truth the truth. So anyways, so um as you can see him an amazing clarinet player, yeah obviously, and he has a wenee that looks like a clarinet kind of one that's not finished really if you're being honest, because it does only has one hole on the top and one at the top other top on the top, one on the top o, yeah, and then one on the other top. Yeah it's the top top. Yeah, but it's not really that I don't know. So anyways, bub trap is uh huh. You got to put the

finger on the home and that's how you make this sound. Yeah, I feel like this is a kind of an elaborate way to get me. Yeah. Do you want to take an express train down to do wear a Candy Land? Are you? Are you your k I grew up having sex in your Oh I've never encountered a woman with zero vulnerability? Who meet Danika Tremble. Wow. Well, listen, guys, the world is not a safe space. Okay, we are all I am a cop, I'm a cop, and we are all threatened. And look, I don't don't make me

say this, but well I don't use them regularly. I am hanging on to some automatic weapons because they are going to be worth a lot of money once they get bailed. Yeah, so you're sitting on a gold mine. I'm sitting on a gold mine. Do I need vulnerability? No? Well, now that you mentioned that, would you mind co signing an apartment for my ax? Already sort of told him that you and I figured that the one that I wanted to go out with. Yeah, sorry, I towards the valet.

Oh shortcase, got Symphony's over, Symphony's over, back to cheesecake battery? Wow, Todd, Yeah, Kimberly, Yeah, Danica Tremble. I wanted, Actually, I don't even know why I called out Tom and Todd and Kimberly. Absolutely nothing to say to you except that this took a lot of effort to get a table. Okay, and you will be hearing about it now. I remember why I don't needt a oyster, Danica. I know we've had a really really rocky, really rock house the future. You insulting my

electronics career when yours is worse than mine. You're right, and I realized I probably needed to get a little bit more humble. I was wondering if maybe you'd want to do this, Like, can I just say I really like a bad boy and I like somebody that makes me question, like am I am? I up? Oh? Your bill? Sorry it hasn't been hey. I didn't mean to interrupt. It seemed like maybe you guys are gonna kiss. But I just wanted to say I can pay for dinner.

I accuse these guys who are bullies to me in high school beating me up a year ago, and I got a bunch of money in the settlement because I'm a really good liar. Wow. I just wanted to say that I got your dinner. Thank you on them. It will be back. Yeah. So that means like we don't even a tip or anything, right, No, I don't even want one. I'd be offended. You say, tell me, I feel seen by you. I'm gonna write about you in my next move. I'd love for you to paint me.

I'm like a portrait of man, like just like we're Jack and Rose. Yeah, but you're a Rose and I'm Jack. I'd love her. And then I can have your steamy hand in the back of my car. Absolutely, my bed is a door that will work perfectly. I'm sorry. What well? Whatever was it a door? What they hey, Todd? What they float on? And Titanic they flew flew on a door? Okay? He said. The Titanic was about the Titanic. It was ship that went down, which is the way he wants

me to go. Well, was the last time I thought about that? I I I got this toime. You got a Todd is nine to five, the Dabney Coleman movie. Okay, okay, we got it. I'm going home with you. Oh, come home and we're back, Lauren. You know, we're trying to become lifestyle influencers. So we'd like to recap the date with you talk about your beauty routine. But first and foremost, we're going to make you the most healthy dessert with

pin peep Fit. Do you know of pep Fit? Do you know about peanut I don't, but I'm happy to be sponsored by them. It's powdered peanut butter. And what it is is it's dehydrate peanuts. So you know how for instance, peanut butter has four thousand calories and seven fatal so this has seventy calorie, seventy calorie and it's it's basically just dehydrated peanuts. Okay, you mix this with water, it turns into peanut butter. Yes, you mix this with an Are you vegan? No? Are you vegan? Are you?

Are you crawl Sagan? Then we're gonna make you a delicious cake that you can make in the microwave. It only takes a few minutes and by the way, it's legit good. Well, I'm really excited. I also did bring my finishing touches. What did you? What did you bring the something? What are we waking? Because we also want our listeners to send us recipes. Oh that that's going to be true. What is it is an unreal dark chocolate peanut gem, which is basically just a peanut with

chocolate around it and a hard candy shell. That it's certified vegan, sortified, gluten free, sort of fighting on fair trade ingredients, color by vegeos NOD and sustainable ingredients aka disgusting. No, it's really okay. So what we're putting in right now for our viewers at home, what are we training right what we're going to do our bass, which is we're going to do two tablespoons of peanut butter powder. Okay. I love your kitchen. This is our gorgeous kitchen. Yeah,

we do. We mix it. It's like a pumpkin pie, Laura. You want to do sort of equal parts pumpkin exactly, and this is pure pumpkin. Okay. Last week we I made the error. I really screwed the pooch at the store I got. I got pumpkin pie, but it was tasted, it was good. I'm glad you go to right this and then we're gonna put in and then you mix with an egg. Here's the egg. Okay, Now, Lauren, I want to combine these first two things. First, I love this. This is the part of the recipe I called first

things first. First things first, uh huh. So you do a bunch of stuff, then you say first things first. That's right. Do you want cocoa powder or any you want to make it? Chocolate? Of course, obviously I'm a chocolate So today we have Hershey's Coco unsweetened coco. Now you're not a Stevia Gale, but I have some drops of vanilla Stevia if you want to have, which is awesome. I don't think I need that. There's gonna be enough going on. We'll put in your well, put in your

chocolate in. Yes, and how confident? How many smart? Just we have some so we're gonna show the audience. We're putting those in. Gim Donny gems. This is going to be a peanut butter chocolate here, Yeah, putting it in. I'm putting it in now. Lauren, what is your beauty regiment? You're a very gorgeous galahounded by the press? What are We recently did a makeup lesson with our friend Michael Duquet and what did you learn? Because I feel like we learned so much from Michael. What did you learn?

Shout out to Michael. So, I've basically been doing the same routine for many years at this point, you know, is that just your idea? Huh? Is that your idea? Or that was that's You're the best person ever. You're in the best person ever. Mug. I just love you said you want to episode? I don't know, let's throw it in there few minutes. Okay, Wow, what a fun retro looking microt. Thank you. Okay, So tell me who is this Mike Duquette. So Michael duquet not Mike Michael.

Excuse me. He's our makeup artist who we love, and he's done us for many events and everything happening over there. It doesn't seem to know how to do more than like ten seconds and started. I think you might know how. Okay, I don't know how. I don't know. So Michael is an amazing makeup artist, yes, and he we had a

makeup lesson with him. We did, and it was so great because I think, you know, if you wear makeup every day, you tend to kind of get in the same routine, that's right, and it's just easy you kind of slap it on, that's right. I learned a lot of tips what did you learn so like the style changes over the years. Yeah, tips change, people do. One thing he taught me that I loved was to put

on your highlighter here before your foundation. She's pointing if you're just listening at home, it's a cheek bone area. It's like it's like your unders and he do you use like a liquid highlighter. It's like a liquid high foundation over it. So there's like actually a pop happening on. I don't have an on right now. I have it on and you sort of push it in with your fingers. You push it in and it creates a great um line here. Now I don't have it on right now,

I judge I have it. I have it on. Um. I did have half version of what he taught us, But he also was teaching me about shading my eyelid area in the in the what do you call it the crease crease, and then doing another color on top. But it's the darker in the crease. I always just like one color. So he had us to the darker in the crease and then the lighter kind of up on the brow bow, which I have on an eyeliner on top. And then he also had us. Then he had us push the foundation in and use a face

oil rather than a moisturizer. Well, there's also an amnic device to remember the order of your kidding oil, moisturizer, sunscreen. That's just for why do you put oil on? Because And then he also taught us to put the bronzer at the end and you can. And we also used the same brush for everything. So that was interesting because I felt like you had to just have like a thousands been bouncing ground with brushes. I haven't done that,

but I like it. And that you come down you put a little bit of because because now the Instagram look, the TikTok look is a little more like there's a little more contour. So there's a little bit of bronzer up by the hairline and then coming down sort of the cheek on like under my, my, my, My tree is good. It's ready, should be ready. I feel like it's ready. I think this should be careful. This looks good. I see that. I see the china. Let's stir it. Do you see the uncut dumbs? Okay, so it's a

cake texture. It's like a pudding. Okay, it's like a hot it's like a it's like a hot it's like a molten lava cake. I'm very excited. Did you make up this recipe? We did, sort of you because we're vain and we like cocoa. Make it in there? No, should we could put someone now, let's stir it in. No, we don't listen to our guests. She did, she did, she did, We didn't. Let's stir it. That's okay. We don't listen to our guests. That's okay. It should have

been now. Oh, it looks really good right by the way, don't you want it a little? You want a little vaniah Stevia. Let's put a drop in? Good? Honestly does Honestly? I think I could get myself in front of the TV. One little drop, one little dropetop doesn't want it. It doesn't sweet enough. Let me test that to be sure. No no, no, no, no no no no no, it's gonna be hot. We also eat it with you. Okay, good. I want it sweeter, but that's just me. I'm a monster.

I think we shouldn't put egg in it anymore. Not the egg. No, No, I think that's it because I think it just scrambles the No, I don't think we should do that. I don't think this is very good enough. I don't know if you have a cras they had a sweet one. I think it would it taste like to me. I think we did it wrong. Tastes like a sweet potato. I haven't what's wrong with that? Well, it shouldn't be that. I think it tastes better with the vanilla tea. Let me get some chocolate on it

next time. I'm not gonna do the egg and I might have put too much pumpkin on this one. You put a lot of pumping. It's better with a sweeten RM. I'm not getting any peanut butter. Gonna be honest, guys, I love it, honestly, Anna, I know want some Anna get a spoon? I know you want something. I mean, look, I honestly would just tell you you don't need to try it. I don't mean to be rude. No, you're wrong, don't what are you talking about? You're wrong? Then? What

do you mean to be? It's not enough. It's too much pumpkin. There's too much pumpkin. It's not enough peanut butter. Anna get a spoon. Ana, one has to try it. I'm gonna have a couple. Um, go grab one inside. You guys are great. I love you guys. That's just not my favorite dessert. Anna. You can see I'll be honest, Like you saw how you made it right? You want to know what it is. I do get a little out of it. Get in there? Do you get wild?

Can you get wild? Well? And all of a sudden when people are seeing it, I'm like, I don't likes it. I don't like it. Anna, there's too much pumpkin. What's wrong with it? Not enough peanut butter? And see the powder of the peanut butter in there. Yeah, I didn't mix it in. You didn't. I got too excited. Let's put more peanut butter in. No, I think we should call it. I think I think we should just call it. And I think it doesn't help to the eggut like I had full egg whites. Oh my god? That good?

Is it? Yeah? That's good. Arta never eats sweets though, No, so she's basically just going like it has sugar. True, Okay, I'm not even eating the sugar. I'm just eating the peanut butter. Let's see now, the extra peanut butter, this alone in a cup? Just put it in with water and water and then some chocolate. Yes, that's a good. And if you just put that with water and put little chocolates in it and microwave it, that's better. That's better any more peanut butter? I got some. That's good.

I mean, that's good. Just doesn't really want some unreal for I thought that went really good. I said, that was delicious, tooling. Where's our final question for you? What's your morning routine? You wake up? What are you doing? Give us your first hour of life? My morning routine is I'm dead asleep. Yeah, I hear my child crying yes or saying hi ya, but she's in the other room. She got rid of her No, she's in the other room. But I can hear going hi hi hi. So then

I'm like, okay, I'm gonna get up now. And then I turn off her white noise machine from my phone, kind of give her an awareness that someone's going to come soon, but it might not be just this. I like, Hi, Hi Hi, And then I go in her room and get her out of bed, and I get her dressed and get her some milk and get her all ready. And then I slop around in my pajamas for a while and think that I'm like disgusting, And then at a certain point, I go, I should take care of

myself and I put on my clothes. But and then I'll make us both breakfast, and we have the same breakfast pretty much every day. We each have a scrambled egg and we each I'm gonna say egg, and we each have a scrambled egg, and we each have a piece of toast, and we have fruit. And that's always it. That's the first, the first couple hours. How long How long into the day are we now, that's we're talking, that's eight thirty. How much time to wake up? Wake

up at seven? Maybe a little earlier? Healthy. Yeah, it's hard. Sometimes it takes me like three hours to get out of the house. Oh yeah, I'm not going anywhere yet, And I don't even look somewhere than like three hours and I look good. I'm like three hours and I'm out looking and a mess. The earliest we usually leave the house will be nine thirty and we're gonna go meet someone ten o'clock or go do it makes me feel better than other people need as long as I need.

Oh yeah, it's a slow process. I sometimes just have to really really make sure the sun hits my face every day like that is sometimes because sometimes I would not do that to honestly, excuse me, I hate no people who musifonia. I hate what I'm doing right now that if I didn't have her as a giving me a guilt trip of getting outside, it would be a lot harder for me to get out. Honestly, us playing tennis, Brian and I took up tennis. I played it this morning.

Tennis has been good for me to get some like it in my eyes because I get a little weird. I love you guys have tennis. I wish that I would play tennis, that I can be part of it because I'm jealous. But I don't really want to play tennis. Sanna plays tennis. But I want you all to have your thing, and I think that's fine. Lauren. I both love you and also I'm so hurt. Yeah, I'm so hurt. I knew something bad was coming. I'm also got to say, but the pumpkin, you're truly like one of the top

funniest people in the world. Oh, I think the same. I'm really so happy to be here. You guys are my favorite. Lauren. We love you. You are such too good? Can I serenade you? Sure? Your friendship means a lot to me. I consider you top of the heap. I'm gone leave my shoes to you, even though you've got bigger feet than me. I love when we go on trips and I keep you awake late at night and we put on face masks and google sometimes people that have caused us bite. What a good song? Yeah, I

want you to know. Yeah, I'm not snoore man who when I'm imploring you to know, you're the girl for me? Wow? Wow, you're the one that peace. That's true, That's true. Thank you for your money and your words. She lent Brian five hundred thousand dollars, Lauren, I don't think I'm gonna get back. I feel fine about it, Laurens or anything that you would like to promote. Thank you for being our second guest. Oh, this was so great. I would like to promote my podcast Freedom. Yes. Um, it's a

fun podcast. Yeah, it's me and Scott Ackerman and Paula Tompkins and we share stories from our lives and we play a little game at the Nabach episode and it's a blast. And did you have more from with us though. Oh those snoozers, Why I see them every week? Lauren lacks everywhere, please and honestly, it's honestly. I'm only at Instagram and Facebook now because I have a public Facebook Facebook page, sure, and I deleted Twitter because I want to be a little health here in some small way,

I love it. But on Instagram, I'm speaking and wasting our time. On Instagram, Brian and I are gonna be tevin all sorts of fun photos because we're going to New York City. We're going to ny the Sea. We're gonna be there April fourteenth and fifteenth. At April fourteenth we're gonna be doing no autographs please, so fun. And then April fifteenth, we're gonna be doing my podcast, The Bachelor Podcast. Will accept this Rose at the Bellhouse. You

don't even have to watch the bat short to enjoy it. Absolutely. Margaret and Joe from Real Housewives of New Jersey are going to perform at the Bellhouse with us, which is huge. It's amazing. So to get your tickets at uh I guess Rose Podcast dot Vodka and we'll get eventually our own website here. Fine, I'm comfortable you can do a link tree. You can do it on my Instagram page. Dropping piece. Well, I'm gonna tell you I've been enjoying this dessert. I am so glad you guys liked it.

We can't thank you so much. We can't thank you enough for being here. This is my you, guys, thank you for hiring a sitter. It was a blast into it. You're a gift card. I am again. It's seventy five dollars. But he could honest make a palette. I could get I could get shoes, I could get I could get pants. You gotta please put it on something fun. I'm gonna get something fun, fun, frivolous, frivolous. Right off to the gold mines. Okay, guys, Okay, bye you who are you wearing?

Will there be pressed? Tone? Yeah? And Bryan, I hearing last there be And they've got lots of Bodecast. But honey, no, no, no noes. We're leaving the Gramma life like celebrities and sharing my favorite baby bit restiprees. But no, no, no, no hograph, no noograph. Thanks listening to autographs please. Our producers are anajos Ni, Katie Levine, Engineer Mark Riversitter song, And to all the people that tweeted in these are the actual things. Have you heard a line? These are

people that tweeted to us. These are the brilliant people who knew gold when they heard a Christia Jean Tore Bartow at Rambling Kite, Jennifer Brown JJB nine seventy. I'm gonna read for some of the ones Lawrence said, and that I said so Mimi eight three to eight at Dee Bird, Ryan Willison Schmidt, the Fan, j Blazing, Jeremy Rees, Horseman,

Bronte Rose sixty nine. This me there at Jay Cozy, I've got Lacey Fallen, Bastaard, David Messiah, Monkey Sarah I d h missus al A Low Russo Poo poo pep sixty eight at Pond, said Lucy Lawless, Katie Letsie, who did the iconic Oysters line, the Fabulous Timberley Hill, the One and Only Baby re Creative, Tory Field, Kim Holster, Courtney kat six one five, Next Time, Madman, Ali Barter and Marl Sparkly, Drew Wastoid and make Gonegal twenty twenty

and Rivkaas for the giving me the male name, Oh no, no, no, the female the name right, and um, I don't remember who sent me the male name. I'll be honest, I have it. I am, I Am. I have so many appointments, so keep them coming. You can email us at naps pod, the number one at gmail dot com or always dm us, or comment on Twitter our Instagram to send us. Send us your one line so we can use that. Please,