We've Been Dating Wrong

Her name was Miss Helen. Y'all sound exactly alike Miss Helen. I'm gonna call you Miss Helen going forward. Bitch, don't do this. Hey, y'all tell me talking about my morning voice. She got me up early as fuck. So here we are. Okay, So thank you guys for tuning in for a new episode. And we talked back to show dedicated to you niggas and these home. It's your co host, A J. Holiday. I said, damn, oh the deal you y'all? This has been It's nine o'clock, y'all. It's been staring as early

as fuck. I don't be talking this early in the morning. But I don't be talking you know how that go? She got me earliest. It's all nine o'clock, about to be lunching a little while frog Man, Hey, y'all's be tim bam. I love y'all. Thank y'all for tuning in again, A j A, thank you for joining me so early in the morning. Whatever, How how is our weekend? Bit? What you mean? We was the game? Now? We was together again? Wends y'all. We went to see Um. It

was Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock and Donnelle Rollins. Niggas was so funny. It was so hilarious. I wish I could have recorded it by my phone, but they took my phone and made us put it in a little case that was locked, so I couldn't record the footage. Because I swear I probably would have recorded the whole show social media, right. The funniest part is when Dottie Rollins that nigger was like, I had just said this ship. I leaned over to my home girl. I was like, um,

should everybody phone locked? I'm not as gonna be talking helly ship. As soon as I said that, that nigga said, yeah, y'all, crackers, phone locked up. Crack crack crack cracker. Yes he was definitely cutting up. I love a lot of Yeah, everybody was funny. I can't it's smart to make us locker phones because I can't remember not a single joke that I laughed at. I know I was like holding my gut laughing, but I can't remember nothing of Nigga said.

I couldn't. I couldn't retail the joke right now for you at all. But just know that Chris Rock went in on Will's Smith. Oh my goodness, he did about twenty five minutes. If y'all have an opportunity and you see this tour coming through your city, you probably should go. That was That's that. Charleston was the last stop. It was only a five show tour. Oh no, my, I gotta catch it on I don't know HBO Max And that was recording it, so it's probably gonna become available

to you soon. Yeah. That was a good weekend. It was outside from Thursday to Sunday. My body was out on something, bitch. It wasn't even karaoke that I was grabbing the mic and then people club. Every time I go to the club, like, man, let me get the mic. Why I travel with one? Because motherfucker's be stingy with the mic I don't get at you, Djen. Sunday, my my best friend had her gender real veal from my new guy baby and it's a boy, y'all. So babe, uh,

y'all come to my instagram, y'all see that picture. Just put a little baby, a blue baby, not a blue baby, a blue heart and a baby, and there show me some love for my new guy baby. This probably might be closest I get your having babies, I think, so I'm grateful for them. I'm grateful for her. So that was my Sunday. Oh no, no, no, that's not all. Then after the the gender reveal, we went to see um oops Oo's had a comedy show. I'm not know

if you're all familiar with him. He's really funny. Went to see him in Charlotte and he's done quite a few things, so y'all look for him, my boy. That was my weekend. Let's get in this stupid internet news. What is the sins of this past week? Well, the biggest since um, the unfortunate you know, passing of Tyree nichols Um. The incident actually took place on January the seventh, I believe, but he actually passed away on January tenth, and since then, there's been five officers arrested, and I

think they're contemplating arresting the sixth office officer. The five five black officers arrested essentially for the lynching. I'm Tyree Nichols. UM. I don't know what they thought the outcome was going to be. I didn't watch the video, did you? No? I don't. I don't like the consume things of that nature. No, it's not a movie. This is a real person. I don't want to see that. And I'm blocking anybody that

sends that ship to my phone or Instagram. I swear for God, oh block you, but I'll let you know, like that's just not my particular aesthetic that I like to consume. So please don't send me that because I'll carry it with me forever. So I can't handle it. So police on Friday this past Friday released more than an hour worth of footage showing the deadly confrontation on January the seven between twenty nine year old Tyree Nichols

and the officers of Memphis Police Department. UM. He died three days later after just a normal traffic stop that turned into a homicide essentially, And to me, it took no time for these guys to be arrested, losing of jobs all that ship, whereas we have to march with the streets when it's a you know, a white officer in a black victim. But this is two birds one stone. At this point, I find it kind of awkward that five excuse me, four of the five officers are q dogs.

So the thing is is that you you haven't heard of uh mob mentality? M Like it only takes one out the bunch to activate the others. So like, just think of a pack of wolves. They have a leader. So when the leader does something, it's like something happens in the rest of these Yes, so it's not like somebody has to even verbally say, hey, beat his ass. It's like, uh, some type of I don't know, um, possession essentially, because what would possess y'all do this horrific

crime to another black man, brother, to your brother. And that's the thing, um, Because there's a Tarree Nichols in every neighborhood every day. When are we gonna start seeing each other as see you as my brother, see you as my sister? What happened and what happened with the white officer on site? So where y'all showing off for him? And you know, they locked him up fast. But I'm okay with that. I'm not okay with them not locking up the white officers quickly do the same, keep the

same energy. But y'all beat the dogshit out of this your brother on the street to death, lock him up. So each was charged with one count of second degree murder, two counts of official misconduct, one count of official oppression, one count of aggravated assault while acting in concert uh, and two counts of aggravated kidnapping, and the death of Nichols, according to Shelby County Sheriff's Sheriff's Office, So he tried to run, like your body is gonna kick into fight

or flight. You physically, one black man a hundred forty five pounds six cannot beat these big football player looking dudes. It's impossible. So he ran, and you can hear them. I did hear some of the audio saying, UH, don't make us chase you. So y'all made I had to do some physical activity on the job. I don't understand. And then so now the next thing that pissed me off. Involving this case is Jason Whitlock. Um. He's a media uh commentator. He used to work for the Fox Sports

uh MSNBC. I believe also black man. Okay, that's all. So the things that he had to say about this case and black women, because for whatever reason, this day and time, we get blamed for every fucking thing. So the disparaging things he had to say about black women, like I wish I could smack his ass. I swear to God his his face on his ass. I probably shoot him in the ass. How about that? Don't shoot to That's the problem. Black on black violence is the problem.

Let me tell you, but I am violence. We just need to listen. Violence is necessary sometimes, you know what I'm saying. Violence is necessary Sometimes a lot of times change don't come without violence. Unfortunately, on this realm mm hmm, it's necessary. Sometimes. I don't think that people should be able to say and do what the funk they want to do. Period. There has to be law and order. And as a black man to publicly disparage black women, I'm sick and tired of that ship. I'm sick and

tired of it. So he was like there's a racial element. Um, and this story about young black men and their inability to treat each other in a humane way. I agree with everybody involved in this on the street level was either twenty four to thirty two years old. Everybody. It was a group of young black men five o one. Looked like gang violence. To me, I can agree. So he goes on to say, um, it looked like what young black men do when they're supervised by single black women.

And that's what they got going on in Memphis in the Memphis police department. They've elected some or put some black woman in charge of the police force, and we're getting the same kind of chaos and this unity and violence that we see in a lot of our cities ran by single mothers. Black man black is so unfair. That is so unfair to all of this on black single mothers. Wow, because we make ourselves single mothers. You know,

black men are literally out here creating single mothers. And I'm not gonna say all because I'm coming to find that there's a lot of black men that don't have children. So it may be that women are having children with men who already have children, right, because there are a lot of single black men who don't have kids, But to put the onus on black women alone, as if we're making ourselves baby mamas. I understand baby mama culture is it's it's a nasty thing, and it's something that's

almost damn has celebrated in the Black community. I wish it would be abolished. But we are having these children by ourselves, Like women are choosing to stay in the homes. Men make the choice to leave the homes. It's not the women. I don't even think the women have much of a choice. Yes, they're gonna be daddy maybe right what they're gonna do. Yeah, So Sierra took to um Twitter and she added him it says, as a black man, to get on national TV and say something like this

is irresponsible. A lot of amazing kids have come from singer mothers. For you to also undermine single black women in the midst of a tragedy is so sad. This woman just lost her son. Do better, he responds to Sierra. Jason Whitlocke responds to Sierra and says, I appreciate the feedbacks here, but at some point we are going to have to deal with the negative impact of baby mama culture. It's destructive and unsustainable. Come up out of the nile.

The nile won't fix the problem. Thanks, But first of all, how did you know that these men come from single mothers? You don't know exactly. He's literally talked about the chief of police being a woman, right, that's what he's saying. Essentially, you don't know these these people's background because they went to college. Okay, the college educated black men who stole

chose to do this stupid ship. You don't know what type of household they came from, right, And that's the woman who runs the police force is not their mother. That's not their mama. She's doing a job that doesn't make her incapable because she's a woman. That's what it sounds like to me, as if this ship doesn't happen under the watch of black men, white or white men or anybody, Like, what are you talking about? Yeah, he's ignorant. Yeah,

that's very ignorant. I just wish that if you don't have anything encouraging to say, say to funk off TV and then you're having this conversation in mixed company, is wow to me, Like it sends a message like everything bad in the black community blame black women, and I feel like we get blamed for the majority of the things that happen in our community, and some of the stuff I can agree with, because when we do set the standard and you have children out here being raised

by the unraised, it still boils down to just broken families. Where are the black men? Where are the black men? Young? And y'are supposed to be to leaders? Were all at Why y'all ain't staying at your homes and leading your family, leading your woman, leading your children. You make a choice to leave, and now it's still mama's fault. And I feel like a lot of that should even plays out in relationships between black men and women, like intimate relationships.

You got all this um, all this disdained for your mama because your daddy made a choice to leave. You don't even realize that the real problem is with your daddy. It's not even what your mom. Mama. Your mama was there and she did the best she could, oftentimes of multiple children, and she could have been married and ended up a single mom. That's my mom story, mine too, mine too. So it's no accountability for black men. No

account I never hear accountability come from them now. And I know for a fact that black women do have a problem accepting accountability. I know that I'm a black woman, okay, but we are not about to put the issues of our entire community on black women. That is fucking disgusting. You know, they told us to hate the man, hate the white man, and somehow now black women are the white man. I want to do an episode on that. Are we the black Are we the white man now?

Um man? Me, definitely not. But in their eyes, it's like we're being We're being put up on a pedestal above them and all this other ship. And I mean it's a certain demographic of black men who think this way. I'm not saying it's all of them, but it's a good bit. We need to get one of them all so we can have the conversation that necessary conference. I would love to I would love to do that, um and hopefully it wouldn't tear into an argument. I think

I can have a conversation about that ship. I get real personal about black women, real personal, because because we are one. Yeah, I just wanna semi condolences to the family of Tyree Nichols. Man. This ship is disgusting yes, yeah, UM, moving on, UM, this is this next story is just

I something I agree with. So the Surgeon General, UM, the US Surgeon General vi Vic Murphy says he believes thirteen is too young for children to be on social media platforms because all those UM sites allow children of that age to join. Kids are still developing their identities. I agree. So. I know, like Twitter, TikTok especially, that was a kids app initially, somehow adults got their ass up on there um and turned it out a little bit. TikTok is supposed to be banned soon, I believe, also

UM in the US because it is a Chinese rand application. UM. Yeah, I think thirteen is he says, not until thirteen. No, he says it's too early. He said, what parents need to get together and decide what's the best age for their children, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen. He doesn't know what the age is, but he's just saying that thirteen, which is the age that most of these platforms allow people to join, UM,

it's just too young. Yeah. I can't agree with that, just because it's almost impossible to monitor what they're consuming, you know. UM. And he says he's based this off of data he's actually seen, and thirteen is just too early because these kids are having like identity crisis. And then also if you're feeling just a little bit like a boy or a little bit like a girl, like you know what I'm saying, Like you have all these different outlets online to help you know, sway, yeah, push

those those thought processes. And it's fucking dangerous because it's adults who probably have mental health issues who are on these apps, um soliciting the kids in all different facets, not just like your sexuality, but you know, a lot of different things. So I agree that thirteen is rather young, but I mean it's up to the parents too rear your children and regulate what they're watching. Like is it is it too early for a thirteen year to have

a cell phone? I would say not, you know, because you know your kids are going to school and ship like that. I feel like if we, you know, back when we were in school, if we could have a cell phone, our parents probably would have had as one. Because she is getting way more dangerous out here now than than then anyway, so you need to be able to contact your kids. Things are happening at schools, shootings

and all types of crazy ship. Your kids need to phones, but I know they have like the Parental um Guide stuff like on phones where you could block certain app block certain websites. I think parents need to be knowledgeable and implement those those things. If you're paying the bill, who'll funk arguing with a thirteen year old about an app? But here's the thing I feel like oftentimes, and y'all might get mad at me as parents. I'm not a parent, but I see a lot of parents letting social media

raise their kids because they don't want to be bothered. Women. They come in, get your tablet, Go get your tablet. Did not buy you a tablet? Go get it? And there's their way of not having to deal with their ass. That's a problem. Yeah, you're not really an active parent, right. I think kids should have a certain amount of time they have access to electronics and social media and ship like that, like maybe hour two a day. You have

to monitor as a parent. Kids are kids are going to do what they want to do, but you have to have you know, you gotta have some type of guidance skills in a way, you just letting your kid run them up like that because you don't feel like dealing with him McDonald see the McDonald's McDonald's every day where you're tabbing that. Yeah, I agree with the Surgeon

general though. I just want to talk about that. Just I'm scared of what the world is gonna be like when we're when we're elderly, you know why you gonna be something broke back, tat it up, fake booty, fake titty bitches in church, second tattoos in your neck. That's fine, But will the kids care for us and respect this? Probably not? It depends on how you raise your kids. Probably not. You better have some money in the bank,

tell me what you think. They're already beating the funk out of their teachers, now, you know, did you see that video? It was like a black girl she basically attacked her teacher and looks like the teacher was trying to call for helping the cell phone. She knocks her cell phone out the teacher's hand. Then like they end up at the door. She's trying to us to teach her out the door and close the door, and the

teachers like stop putting your hands on me. See me? Personally, I would clean every classroom with that little girl ass mm hmm, there's no way. You know, like parents y'all seeing your kids at school and they're terrorizing the fucking teachers, right, no home training, respect, And then you come up there and you get mad with the teacher too, and no, damn well you'd be having to beat her ass at

home too. But you're mad because another adult outside of you put their hands on her trying to teach her some respect. Yeah. I'm trying to figure out, like, how do you get to that point? How do you get that fucking mad that you attack a teacher, that you that you have no respect for authority or adults. Yeah, I don't know. You know, I would love my um. I want to I want to build a school. I was thinking about like prisons, hospitals, schools, they all look alike.

What have you had, like a glass dome with a lot of greenery, a lot of sunlight so kids can actually grow, you know what I'm saying, Like you're in school all day, you come out to sun Damn they're gone. Like kids are not even getting the vitamin D the sunlight. They need to just grow properly. It's depression. Then you got throw social media on top of that and throw McDonald's on top of that anyway, dealing with a lot of social issues, y'all. We're doing No, we're not. We're

gonna be good. Oh goodness, take care of us. That's all I can say. So last week we talked about breaking up. This week we want to get into dating, Like, how do you actually date? What's the process of dating? Is there a process for dating? Is there um some extra steps all that ship, We'll see. We'll talk about it when we come back from this break. All right, So we're back. So Tam, what's your definition of dating?

My definition of dating? Mm hmm. It's going out with someone with the intention of getting to know them in a more intimate way and potentially fucking after the third day. I don't know what that sounds about, right, you know. I think we skipped some steps sometimes though. But so the Cambridge Dictionary definition um says to regularly spend time

with someone you have a romantic relationship with. When people say they're dating a lot of times, I would think you date more than one person, right, So do you have a romantic relationship with multiple people? I think that's like, that's like the general definition, But is that really what we believe dating is well. Romance doesn't have to be physical. You're right, it could be platonic. Mm hmm. I guess no, No, it doesn't even have to be platonic. But it doesn't

have to be like. Romance doesn't have to be like we have sex at the end of the night. Romance could be like someone taking you on a nice date, somewhere quiet and quaint and sexy, you know, and then on Tuesday you go to the same place with a different person. That don't mean, you know, that's still dating. But that doesn't mean sleeping with everybody. You just have romantic intention, you know, right. Look, I got a disclaimer for men that I'm dating. Men oftentimes don't have like

the go to spots they don't know. Women be like yoping and figuring out like places. If I catch you at a place that I introduce you to with another bit, I'm flipping the table over. I'm clearing it with my forearm. And if you or that bit, you got something to say, I'm kick sweeping, y'all, because why are you in my spot? You own the place. This is my place. You didn't know about to place. You didn't even know this place existed.

Or not, you're showing it off to another bit. I'm mad and I don't even care if I'm in there with another nigga my place. So you can take all the niggas there, but I can't take nobody else. I take all my niggas. The Pearls Oyster Bar. I love Pearls. Is only a couple of people I've been there with, but that's like my goals to spot, even with friends in town and ship like that. I love Pearls Oyster Bar. So if I catch you there with somebody else sitting at my goddamn bar, like on the bar, you don't

own the bar. You don't own the restaurant. Bitch, I'm Pearl. I get I'm Pearl. I get what you're saying, but you don't have that right at all. I don't have a spot. I used to when I was living in Columbia, South Carolina. I used to have like a spot that I would take everybody. I don't have that in Charlotte. I don't have that type of space. I guess I guess Capital Grill if I had to pick one, but

they're kind of falling off lately. Honestly, that food isn't good to me, you know, like they haven't Yeah, oh yeah, I don't know what's eating some oysters and fish. They got fish, but it's not that good. Um. I'll go on like maybe two days in a week with different people. M hmm. Are you having sex to any one of them? No? Are you actually active right now, tam No, note I ain't now yet. It's only January, you know, February. I

haven't found nobody yet. I want somebody. I know Valentine's they come and I ain't got no. Right, I wasn't supposed to be active this year, but something happened anyway. Well that was like the at the beginning of the year you told us, right, and yeah, it kept happening. Mm hmmm. I already don't have sex that crazy, not not that often anyway. So it's still like at a minimum, essentially, it's it's first date sex. Okay. I have had sex one time, first date mm hmm, two times like that.

I can really twice and I'm still like good friends, you know, like cool with the people. Um, So it's not like it was like a real like one night stand. I don't think I've ever had I've never had a one night stand before. Have you mm hmmm, like just funk on the nigga and never talked to him again. Yeah, interesting, tell us about it. Listen, whole story's coming from college. Y'all right, a long time ago. It was just like, ah, we had fun. I got it wasn't even a date

that we were on. We met at the club. I was drunk and ship happened. But I was like super drunk. I probably like he probably shouldn't have had even wanted to do it to me, honestly, but he probably was drunk too, Like who's the onus on when both plies are drunk, like men should you probably was taking his clothes off. I'm like, just yeah, hein't had no night stand. And he was older. He was an older guy. He was in town from New York. I think he like words it like he was like a New York trash man.

Ye what hey, that's a good job in New York, right, He probably was making money. He was he was like he was young, but he was older than me, and he was swagging and he said that's what he did for a living. Girl. I don't know what happened to the mean that is a city worker. He was getting that check okay in New York, Like, that's the job to have, not you're working on rock girl, couldn't have been None of that should count middle fingers all old life.

Yeah okay, right, So this article I read it said dating someone is not considered as being in a relationship with them. Um, like the current definition of dating right. Dating is really more of a stepping stone to get into a relationship where one gets to know someone romantically. Being in a relationship comes much later. Um, we're excuse me. Um. Being in a relationship comes much later where the dating

partners do not wish to date other people. Um. They have now committed to each other and intend on cultivating their shared connection. I think when um and I would, and I always say this, I don't think that black women we were able, ever like able or even taught to date, you know, like your mom and be like you better get your work, stop worrying about those boys. Then you go to college, worry about your career because you can't. Ain't nobody gonna take care of you. Da

da da da. Whereas our white counterparts, white women, you know, oftentimes they meet their husbands in college and they go from their daddy house to their husband's house. You know. Meanwhile, black women out here buying their frost first homes by themselves. But why do you think our parents were teaching us set based on their experiences and they don't want us

to be out here funked up? You know, there is a culture of us ending up our selves, you know, So Mama is just preparing us for the harsh reality that that could possibly potentially happen to us. Be able to take care of yourself. That's how my mom ever said. Um. And this even goes back to the Jason Whitlock eye man, Black women have been uh conditioned like we gotta survive. What what would you have us? Do? You talk ship?

When we in the projects, you talk ship. We're in the corporate setting, you talk ship, and we're the chief of police, Like when is enough isn't enough for black women? And you're talking ship when we're waiting on the nigger to take care of us exactly, But it's okay for any other group of women. It's okay for any other group of women to depend on their men, and they're actually taught that, you know what I'm saying. And if they can't depend on the man, or if they still

can at least depend on their daddies. A lot of us don't even have that. The next part of this thing, it says, the exhausting part of this, however, is the stage where one does not know what is going on and it's not sure when or how to ask. And I think a lot of women end up in limbo limbo in this little yeah, what are purgatory? Essentially? What

are we? Um It says, First, it's very difficult to find someone you actually like and are attracted to, And then if you've been on a few great dates, you don't know how or if you're exclusively dating each other. Often when one partner does bring up the fact that they are not dating other people while dating each other, they are met with an unexpected reaction like oh, I didn't know we were supposed to be exclusive, or um, I think it's too soon togo to that direction, or

even worse, getting ghosted. I feel like that's why a lot of women don't even ask, or they don't feel comfortable enough asking a man like what's next? Where are we having? Like a temperature check of the relationship, because there we are, we've dated right? The three four dates might start having sex m hm. And every man you date isn't your husband. I think that women authentis fantasized about men immediately, like damn, I could see myself being

with him, especially after a certain age. Yes, because we're we're dating with attention, you know, typically four husbands after a certain age. I think most of us anyway. Yeah. Yeah, And I want to get into what is dating with intention also, um, because I think like that's the new thing, dating with intention? But do we really even know what that is? Because oftentimes you gotta be honest with yourself.

Do you even want a relationship for real? Because you the the right guy that you thought you wanted may very well come along and you'll pass up on him because really you aren't ready for him. Yeah you know, well, I feel like I'm I'm more ready now. But during pandemic, I just didn't want to be in the house pot myself. A lot of people ended up in relationships or ended relationships, um. And the pandemic. I think if you were in a relationship and you made it through, y'all supposed to be

together solid, y'all solid in the mother. Um. I don't know. So how do you generally meet men, tam, I meet a lot of men on social media. Okay, so social media, so my my d M box be quaking. But here's the thing, but it's hard to you know, filter through those people, honestly. So I have trouble with that because a lot of oftentimes it feels like everybody is just the same robot right with a face with an avatar. I prefer to meet people in like social circles or

social like settings. That's better to me because you really get to experience them, even just a little bit, versus social media. Social media, everybody's presented themselves like a resume, you know, m they only got their highlight reel up. You know, all you see is the best of what they got to offer. You don't, right, and it don't even be real half the time. You know, Like they all have a picture of room and it looked nice, but if you would actually walking that room, that motherfucker

is dirty as hill. The only spot that's clean is the spot where they're taking that picture of no headboard, flat pillows, like you, this is where you live at. So I prefer organic interaction, honestly, Yeah, me too. I UM, I've never really gotten into like the online dating. I met one man on online dating. We're still friends to this day. When I first moved to St. Louis, like, I intentionally got on uh pieces of fish. Either it was pieces of fish or bubble. That's not what it's called,

I know. But it's a getting frenzy on plenty of fish, you know what I'm saying. It's a feeding frenzy. Like most of those guys are on there looking for somebody just to smash You's not really relationships. But I've actually known a couple of people who ended up in relationships off of dat naps ship plenty of fish, bumbole. I have a homegirl who got married off. Yeah. Okay, I'm trying to get on ray right, me too, bitch. I've been trying to get on ray It for two years.

They won't let me on that mother. I don't think it's for us anyway, not the black girls. Um yeah yeah so um so the five steps online, the five steps to dating pretty general. Okay, So there's the initial attraction, what attracts you to a man, Like, what's your initial attraction to a guy? Teeth? Yes, I'm a big mile Yes, I'm a big teeth person. I was telling one of our mutual friends I won't say their name. I was like, bro, if you just go fix your teeth, your pussy stock

is gonna go up. Wait up, you gotta go fix it, right, But everybody don't care about that. Yeah, I think teeth is like definitely top of my list because um, and I mean, they could just be fucked up teeth. That doesn't mean your mouth is nasty, you know what I'm saying. But I think as adults, we should definitely be taking

care of our teeth. With everybody out here getting the I'm not saying for you to go giving airs and nothing like take care of your current teeth, like I'll giving airs when these ones drop out, like motherfucker's these If me and Tam don't got shit else, we got fucking perfect teeth. I'm on my way to the motherfucker did as soon as we finished record. That's why we had to get up and do it so early. It's just important. Yes, like so teeth um for me. Um physique.

I like bodies. They don't have to be like a muscle up body. But I like nice looking, fit looking men is what I like. I like backs. I like backs. There you gotta be my niggas. Ain't gotta be fit just you gotta be clean, smell good and dressed nice and nice. Watch you can have a little belly. I'm okay with that, baby. I'll rub all over that little, good little little man. Yeah, they gotta be adult boy belly. It can't just be like a nigger wear a big belly and hips. Come on, man, yeah you canta be

fat the funk up. Yeah, I don't like too fat, but a little little little extra cushion, that's okay. I don't care about that. I like beards. I love a beer. Yes, I went through like just looking at men that I've actually dated and ship like everybody gotta a bear, damn there. I love a beard, so a nice man of hered beard. I like them bears with them long strings hanging off

the bottom, like stop doing that, cut that piece. I don't like them sucking uh like chin strap looking beers like nick, if you don't let that ship grow a little bit more underneath the neck, like what he doing? He trying your barbera fucking you up, but to make you change your barber. Dog, I'm gonna call him like listen, if you take more hay off my nigga neck. We're gonna fight. I'll pushing their hairline back. I hate when the barbera do that, like stop pushing my nigga hairline back?

Right alright. So now it's the initial initial attraction. The next comes reality, like now you get to know the person. Look yeah, us dirty, it looks clean in that picture. You get to see all the fun about each other, you know what I'm saying. Like women, oftentimes we think like we don't come with bullshit. You know what they're

wrong with us? Yeah? And you know we probably point it out to men more and they just like either they'll just suddenly go to funk away from your ass or you know, when they say something something to you, you feel something, boy, but you have no problem telling them what their issues are. I snore so bad, I think I need to like go this weekend. Talk about I slept in late. I went wake up. Bit it took me a while to go to sleep because your ass a snore. First of all, I bit, you asleep

before me, so how is that possible? But then I woke up and I couldn't go back to sleep, yes, bitch, And it was yes, I know it's a problem. I don't know what to do when I finally went to sleep, like I overslept because like my body reset mm hmm, bit you snore? I never knew. Yeah, I feel like all my friends snore aloud. I'm gonna get one of them ships to go on my face, you know. So I sleep breathing math and then when I have a nigger come over and be like you like annig like

dark vaders. That's what this ship about to turn into. Shame. Put that motherfucking shot on my face. You got to go go to sleep first before them goddamn snores. Man, that ship can get you. Ain't gonna be able to sleep. I dropped thirty pounds. Maybe the snores will go away, so we're gonna see. I think, what the what the with a lot of men when they lose that weight off their chests like they do? Stop snoring snoring? Um, do you sleep in your back? I sleep on my stomach. Yeah,

you can't sleep on my back. I feel like he was laying on your side and you was snoring like that. I was on my stomach, for sure. I used to be so afraid to sleep on my back. But it's like the most proper way to actually sleep. It used to remind me of laying in a coffin, So I would avoid sleeping on my back now and give a funk about dying. So I try to go to sleep on my back because it is like that's body is aligned. Yeah,

who who body? My booty be making my back like it's a big space in between the top of my back and my blood. Like that makes it uncomfortable laying on my back. But your back don't be hurt. And when you sleep in your stomach, mind does Yeah, my ship hurt right now? Yeah, you gotta probably try sleeping on your back. You think it's gonna be like uncomfortable.

But what I do? I set my pillows up in a certain way and comfortable a pillow in the small of my back, trying to balance it, but so stepping aside with the pillow in between your legs like pregnant ladies. That keeps everything in line too. I don't see what we can do anyway. Commitment come next, y'all. Commitment is the third step in dating. So now, um, you guys have said, okay, we're just gonna be dating each other if it goes this way, we know, like in real relationships,

So that's dating exclusively. Yes, so dating and then dating exclusively. So I went on like I was talking to a guy. We went on like one real day. He didn't live in my city, right, so um, he flew in. We went on the date. It was then, but he you know, he had potential to me, so I wanted to see him again. And he said that we needed to start dating exclusively at that point, and I was like, Uh, we've been on one day. I'm not ready to date

you exclusively. And he was like, well, I don't want to date you if you're gonna be dating other people at the same time. M M. I felt like that was unfair. Well, I don't think that you can date with intent with and dating multiple people. How what we just said in the beginning it said the first thing we said was date multiple people at one time, right, But that's just regular datings. If you're actually trying to date with intent, how do you date multiple people with intent?

I feel like that has to be done one person at a time. I attentually want to decide which niggas you I want. I haven't decided that you're the one that I want to date, but he decided that you were the one. Yeah. Yeah, you have to have a mutual agreement, like you can't one day we went on one day we live in a different city. Yeah, I can't decide I want to date you exclusively after one encounter, right,

mm hmm. And y'all you don't know what the dick like. No, not even I don't even know what the dick like it it's too fast. You're moving too fast. Right, and then comes intimacy, so you know if we're going there the real steps this should be when sex comes in. I assume reality, intimacy, and commitment all go together. I don't know why that would be, Um, three different steps because um, in order to get to know somebody like realistically,

you'd have to have those intimate conversations with them. Um. I don't know, but this is this is just a wicker online dating wiki how dot com um? And then engagement and then hopefully marriage is the steps. So five steps to dating. So now step right, I try to do like a realistic list. Okay, so again there's the initial attraction I can agree with, then sex, recording, couples, date, couple,

a couple of days or whatever. It is, but I think that sex comes too early sometimes yeah um, And then that's when the lines get kind of blurred, all right, Like sex don't come early for me, no, more like it comes real late, and I think niggas get tired. The right one is gonna get tired. Though. That's why some women too, because I don't wait. And then i'd be like, like, that's why I didn't give you no now,

because you don't have no patience. But that's why it's important to make men wait, because you know they come up what they represented it first, you don't meet the real yet until you after, after you don't have you know, sex, now it's like, oh this you nigga's like, damn, you was sucking the trash worker on the first night. Now I gotta wait, tiffany years ago. I want a different plane. I got hired standards now people are allowed to change. So then on my list, I have a situation ship.

So you're in that stage for about a year, and this is when you're like, damn, are we together? Are we not together? I feel some type of way when he don't call me back or don't answer the phone, like it's just gray area that can last for a long time if you let it. And I think that if women don't pull themselves out of that area, a man will stay there as long as you let him his whole life. Yes, you better learn how to use your goddamn words masturbate before you go on your dates

so you won't be so horny, right. I don't think a lot of women are. Um. I know one of my friends, Like, I remember the first time she she called me, she was like, bitch, I bought a vibrator, Like, why didn't nobody ever tell me? Like, some people just don't know that. Yeah, you could come for real, we have a real right and come to your senses exactly and go on your date and have a good night, like, and you're not, you know, hot and bothered the whole time.

I feel like I have stole been hot and bothered. If I want to fuck you, I wanna fuck you. I don't give a damn if I just played with my pussy before I came my house. It was just a hold though, so it's different. I'm not a hole girl. I'm in a hole and over two decades to a decade and a half, I'm exaggerating with that over too, But a decade half even old enough to if you want to college your hole. All right, So after the

situation ship for a while, then he may get to commitment. Right, even if somebody's still cheating, that's your man, now, that's your woman. Now people may still be doing a little whatever. But what does that look like? Because do you have a conversation, like, hey, we're together. Nobody has a real conversation. They just fall into weird together. I've never had a conversation. It's like I meet a nigga and we together. I've never actually had the conversation. That's why I be working

a back. Let me tell you every relationship I was in, I've been given the ultimatum. That's how I ended up in the relationship. What are you a man? I know it swe to God, Swear to God God, because ain't a way. Every single relationship I was given like an ultimatum and like Tommy, I'm about to play with you no more man either, we're gonna be together. Yeah, so you get the ultimatum. Yeah, yo, this is God. Every time commitment is like you know, it's scary anymore. Yeah,

it's scary if you know. For me, I've been always been a commitment for like, why do we need that? Why do we need to do that? Everything is fine how it is, you know, why do we have to this determined? Like what this is? It's good? Ain't you happy? I'm happy? Why we gotta put labels on it? That was me? Shame? That's a grown man, Okay. I don't like feeling confused. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it. Like, and I'm at a place now I'm not waiting in no situation ships for no

long as fucking time. If I'm like, if I'm working with somebody now, like I don't have no expectations out there, I don't know, Like I'm still no I expect you to be exactly where you are right because you probably already did some ship for me to side eye to you, side eye you anyway. So now I'm looking forward to the next bullshit. But in the meantime, like I'll still say, especially if we have good times together, we're good friends

and ships like that. But I can't have expectations for um a man who doesn't want kids, I'm supposed to do. I don't have any kids, but you do. But here's the thing. Why do you still entertain them if you have no dictations at their point? Um, because it's like it's no pressure, it's no like. Maybe I don't want to be in a committed relationship right now, you know what I'm saying. I feel like if I get to that point to where I'm ready for that, then I

would probably just be by myself. And that just means I wouldn't be having sex with anybody, because I mean the person having sex with. Like, we go out, we do things, but um, could we ever be in a committed relationship. I don't think so. No, No, I don't know. I don't think so. We probably have different life paths at this point. Yeah, I want a boyfriend now, though I think I'm in a space where the nixt guy that I date seriously would not have to give me

an ultimatum for a relationship, right growth. Look at there, because almost in her mid thirties, finally ready to get serious with a nigga. Shame, shame, shame, shame, all right, y'all. So after this break, I want to get into what black men dislike the most about dating, all right, And some of you ladies, this might be you. So this is from Essence You guys, an article about what black

men dislike the most about dating. So a list a few things from um black men between the ages of like thirty five and forty, um, different walks of life essentially. So one of the things that black men don't like is, uh, women changing after becoming exclusive. So this guy says, don't change once we become exclusive. The dating period is a time for evaluation. It's a chance for us to get to know each other and decide whether or not we

want to take the relationship to another level. If you were okay with me going out with my boys, pr periodically enjoyed physical fitness and cooking meals, and kept yourself well primped throughout the dating period, don't change those things once we become exclusive. I think that that's probably like one of the number one complaints for men is that women change after they actually get into the relationship. So they I feel like that's fair they changed too, though

I don't think they recognize it. Everybody changes. Some men don't transition from single to in relationship, so they think they can still do the same things that they are supposed to change exactly. You know, So you want me to be you want me to be your wife or your homie, love a friend? Which one? Because that looks different? And then when a woman has the baby is hard to get that weight off. Don't judge your helper. Well, we didn't even talk about kids. We talk about the

dating ships. But no, that happens. They're like physical fitness. Typically that's what they're you know, talking about when a woman, I don't think so I always gain relationship weight, like, yes, like laying up eating y'all eating out more. You have a partner to eat out with all the time, Like you start getting a little bit of that happy. Yeah, it happens to women a lot. So we have to find a balance. Um. Usually we get fit after we get hurt. Yeah. In fact, like somebody get my body down.

I don't even know what like, I don't my way. I don't know what my way. I can attribute it to just eating by myself dating, it's still dating. Um. The next thing, having expectations you don't meet yourself. Um. I get discouraged a lot when I hear women say what they are looking for but not truly meaning it. You want a business owner, you want a go getter, but upset when he is working to go get it. You want someone who is financial stable, but you're spending

habits are terrible. Uh know that if you want a business owner, you may have to bring dinner to the office because true business owners work late hours. So you want this man who's getting to the bag, y'all get into the bag that looks different, you know, as oppos said, nigga, who I'm working on? Who's not working anywhere? Right? What do you really want? But we want to both. We want a man who got money and can be at home all the time. No, you don't want a man

that could be at home all the time. You're gonna get sick of seeing. I'm like, you don't want it has to be not all the time. But you know, like when we want it, we want them there is that realistic. It's not, but that's what we want. But you have That's why you have to have some business about yourself. Then that way you're not concerned about what he's doing all day long with his time. You guys ship to do too, and then when we all come together,

everything is copasthetic. Right. Um, next thing having parameters around sex, especially if you want it two. Uh, that one's kind of sketchy, because what do I mean by parameters around sex? So it says secould not be a reward and in a relationship, this is what the guy says. Um not saying that if you're not in the mood, it isn't valid. It is. However, if it's a simple argument or misunderstanding

that you know it's not a deal breaker. Don't lay on the other side of the bed or in another room when you know sex is nothing, when you know that sex has nothing to do with the issue. I gotta be happy to have sex. Yeah, I'm gonna want to have sex with you if I'm manage you know, I gotta be happy to have sex. Otherwise it feels like rape. I'm sorry, that's just how I feel. Eventually, I'm not there, Like my pussy is not gonna work.

It's not gonna work, and I just don't feel comfortable just doing it because you gonna do You ain't gonna one none of my pussy if I'm mad, because it's not gonna be good. Hurry up, hurry up, Lucas, just looking like that's how I sound. Do that sound good? You're gonna go down quick? Hurry Just pushing my leg over like mad, get out the bed like they still they'll still get it though they still take it. That's terrible. That is terrible. Why would you want it? Hurry y'all?

Pull your dick out. You know my fucking nerves. Here's a big one, y'all. And this is a lot of women's issues, not mine because I don't do the social media ship like that, But letting social media control your expectations posting, you gotta post your relationship, you gotta post every place, y'all go like you're letting social media solidify your relationship with your partner. That ship is very dangerous. Oh yeah, that is stupid too. Yeah, so men have

a problem with that. Um, this guy says, I hate the constant need to be seen and trying to live

up to celebrity relationships instead of building one. I understand that everyone wants to be noticed, but I feel as though women have taken that to another level with social media being your biggest influences and my relationships, I never I've only had like one like public relationship like on social Well, I'll say too, but I never initiated like the posting and stuff like that, Like if they started it,

I might post a picture too. Um. I got off of social media in two twelve because my ex started the posting ship right, and then he took all just abruptly took all our ship off of his social media. So I was like, what the funk you got going on mind? You only had like a couple of ship posted on mind, So I'm like, what is your Why are you deleting memories from your social media? What's up with that? Just don't post no more? So mine would be the exact opposite, would be like we together, but

you only posting pictures of you like we're not together? Yeah, so why this is my social media about me? That's what you were saying. I mean, I never got into that because I don't like people in my business like that. That's what I don't like either, Like together, why do it? Why do everybody need to see it? Right? We're together? If they see its outside, they see yourseluftside, right, guys? Was to assume I would be just trying to make myself more available to other men because I didn't post

them like that. I feel like they're trying to use your social media for their promotion, Like I felt like that in a relationship like, why are you pressing me to post you on my page? You know what I'm saying. You barely have anything of me on your page. That's in that's a different relationship, but the original one where there was like a lot of posting and ship like that.

Once he deleted all those pictures off his social media, and I like, I started deleting pictures off mine and it should hurt my feeling so bad to delete the pictures. I just deleted social media, Like, I don't even want to be on social media. Now you can have it, nigga, do what you want to do online. Line, I'm not online, so you don't gotta worry about me. I'm not posted. Was gonna be in my wed and dress, right, I posted today we got married. That's only right. That's only

right because essentially you're single until you get married. Man. Anything can happen in between time. Yep. Um. So the next is dependency without support. This is this is ah, this is a good one. So this guy says, I believe my biggest complaint would be dependency displayed by women. Updated. Traditionally, men assume the role of the provider, although that that isn't an issued It becomes one when I become a sole provider for a relationship only for purposes of living

two expectations of social media. This includes lavish vacations, expensive dinners, and other things they like to pose for the world to enjoy. That end of itself is not a problem. However, if it's expected for us to live this lifestyle, plan to support me and see how you can help so we can feel like we've arrived together. So that's that was kind of sad to me. So it says dependency without support. So now you're dependent on this man to do all these things. But what are you doing to

support the relationship? What are you what are you doing um to support your goals? Right, everything can't be on the man. I feel like that could be women, that's fair. I don't receive that. I don't feel like I go into relationships like codependent. Yeah me me, me, me, give me, give me, give me right. But I am that kind of way when it comes to affection, Like I'm clingy that that run niggas off too, get off me. I like intimacy more than sex, like I just want to

make touch on each other. Let's watch the six nineteen Projects Club. It on the couch, you know, Yeah, ain't nothing wrong with that. Ain't nothing wrong with that? Um. I guess dating is different for everybody. M is this episode is about essentially, it just looks different. It's not

no one set uh definition of dating. But women, we definitely have to start putting the expectation out there before having sex if you're actually dating with intent, And we didn't even get to that, um, because it's it's about knowing yourself first, if you're actually dating with intent, knowing what you want, what you want out of out of a relationship, with goals, things like that, instead of just jumping off a ledge and dating a bunch of niggas

and and men. Also, if you're dating with intent, you won't be complaining about dates and how much they cost in your budget for him, because you'll have you would have selected like one or two women that you don't mind being what you're gonna eat anyway, right, And you won't feel slighted because I think a lot of times often times men feel slighter because they spend so much money on a date and the outcome doesn't go exactly how they intended. Yeah, because they should get a prostitute

instead of trying to get regularly. Yes, stop thinking that your girl owe you some cooch, because y'all you took you spend a couple of dollars on a date. That's so dumb. Yeah, and that's why they'd be mad instead of dating with uh intentions and actually dating people you like and who like you and who already want to fuck you after the date. Right, you are basically we gotta pay for a dinner with pussy and you're paying with money. That's basically what's happening. That's not an even exchange.

It's just not so you could just get a hole, pay her and you don't gotta worry about none of this. Ship. But y'all want where do you find holes at now? Though? Like what is the form they aline too? What you talking about? But I mean, like the type of holes that you can just pay to have sex. We had one on the show before. Like they are on social media, they are on only fans like it's the same holes. Instagram is a whole horrid x. It's somebody out there

that's gonna bust it open. But that's that's not what they want. Men don't like to feel like they're paying directly for couci. A lot of them they want to They still want to do it like indirectly, discreetly because they don't want to feel like they have to pay for it. You know, Yeah, they don't want to feel like they get like they're tricking. But I mean, essentially that's what it is. So the same way I understand men men are concerned about their wallet, the same way

we're concerned about a man taking advantage of us sexually. Right, it's understandable, make better choices, make better dating choices, no more pussy mismanagement or you know, you could do what you want to do, but you have to understand, like the outcome might be a little bit different. If you actually want to be in a relationship with a man and your goal is to be married, you need to

state that early and soon. You know, usually on the first date, first date, even if you're dating multiple men. First date. You also don't want to come off as you can't be concerned about how you look into somebody because the right person is going to receive it. The saint that exactly what you're saying. It It's true, what's thirsty. I want to be married in a year. I want

to be married in two years. How is that thirsty? No, not that, but I mean I'm just saying, if you go on and on and on about it, it will scare in the golf And nobody's saying on and on and on about it. See. The thing is you've been thinking like, no, that's That's what I'm just saying. You're thinking like, oh this bitch and agamy like that's how you're thinking. Like the right man who's ready for marriage, he'll receive it the way you're saying it, not on

and on and on. But yeah, that's state you're tensions. But don't go crazy with it, That's all I'm saying. How does that look going crazy with it? If you get in there talking about like you already picked water colors and you know what your winter dress, they're realistic, Come on me like that. But just be out here like that. I've been wondering. I got a scrap book from when I was five. I brought it with me.

Do you like these colors? That does not happen in real life, But just put your expectations out there so there's no confusion, you know what I'm saying, Because girl, it will still be some fucking confusion a man? A man don't know you ready for marriage and still play with you? Are you playing with yourself? Well, I ain't ready for that, but still dating you knowing that you're not ready. And see, this is why I do reverse

psychology on them the same way. You can tell me what you're not ready for and you continue to work with me. Well, I continue to work with you, right, and I'm telling you this is what I want and you continue to funk with me. How is the onus only on me at the end of the day. Oh, you knew what it was, nigga? So did you? You knew what it was? You knew I wanted a baby. You knew I wanted a relationship? Why is it only on me? Right? Don't let these niggas handle you all, ladies,

don't do what told you all. I want that. I told you I did period, and you stayed right, So clearly I wanted to, clearly wanted. And you've been coming to me so clearly wanted. You're the pappy. You're not coming to me though, because I'm using a condom. I'm watching my ovulation every time, All right, y'all, I don't know. I hope this is helpful for dating and summer games. I really hope this is helpful. Make better choices, ladies

and gents, and hopefully we'll have our marriages. A lot of breakups during during the pandemic, but maybe people will start getting married again. I thought Gucci, Maine and Keisha was gonna like up the marriage rating for black people, but it didn't work. I don't think it's gonna work like that, not when you still got future doing numbers. I'm future at heart a little bit. I'd be giving

future hard time, but I could be future sometimes. I understand now I don't think our future never mind, let's just do it. Wait before we go. It is February. It is Black History Month. It's Black history all year long, but in the month of February, we love to observe and celebrate our black batties who talked back. And for

this week, I have to start with Diane Nash. Of many accomplishments Nash has made in her lifelong commitment to civil rights activism, her most famous contributions include her work organizing and leading freedom rides and sit ins. Nash, who was born in Chicago, got involved with the civil rights movement when she enrolled at Fisk University in Nashville, Tennessee,

in nineteen fifty nine. In April nineteen sixty she helped found the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committing Nash also coordinated the Nashville Student Movement Ride, which was part of the Freedom Rides in nineteen sixty one. Coordinating between her fellow students, the media, and the Department of Justice. She engaged in sittings herself, even spending time in jail in February nineteen sixty one in solidarity with the Little Rock Nine. Now, if you don't know who that is, you need to

get your ass up in Google is Free. But anyway, they're nine students that were imprisoned after a sitting in rock Hill, South Carolina. Nash also coordinated the Nashville Student Movement Ride, was part of the Freedom Rides in nineteen sixty one. Coordinating between her fellow students, the media, and the Department of Justice. She engaged in sentence herself, even spending time in jail in February nineteen sixty one in solidarity with the rock Hill Nine, nine students that were

imprisoned after a sitting. Nash also played a crucial role in the desegregation campaign in Birmingham in nineteen sixty three. She also received a Rosa Parks Award from the s c ELSE along with her husband in nineteen sixty Diane Nash, we salute you girl. You are a batty who talks back. Thank you so much for your contribution. If you enjoyed this episode, please tune in every Thursday on the I Heart Radio Apple wherever the fun you get your podcast at.

This is your co host a J Holiday, y'all. Follow me on Instagram. It's AJA holiday to point oh because I'm white bitch took my AJ holiday, y'all. I'm official tam Bam on Instagram, y'all for all of me. I love y'all. Thank you apportuning in and we will see you next week. God willing. Remember to speak now and never hold your peace doing yah