Salty Like Lot’s Wife

Welcome to We Talk Back Podcast, the production of iHeartRadio and the Black Effect Network.

We're just two unapologetically black women with an opinion who talks.

What's up, y'all? Thank you for tuning in for a new episode that We Talked Back, a show dedicated to you dreamers and chasers. This is your co host AJ Holiday. What's Up Tandem?

Hey, y'all, I love y'all. Thank y'all for tuning in again.

What's up?

AJ? How was your weekend?

Rainie, rainy, quiet, cleaning, domestic shit. I do much, y'all. Just chill out, relive, wifey, get ready for Monday.

I've been so as you know, I moved out of my home, so it's my sound good. Okay, As you know, I moved out of my home and I've been staying with my best friend and my guy kids. And I love my guy babies and I'm and enjoying this time with them. But Yo, these kids is off the chain. My friend deserve a fucking medal. B I'm talking about from seven in the morning, screaming, yelling, running shit on. She sweep the floor about thirty times a day. I swear to God, I get I'm getting woken up with

I love the kids, man, I definitely love even more that you can send them home. Yes, when you do, I think only people who got patients to be able to have kids for real, because I'd be seeing some people who be yelling at their kids. Sit down, shut up. I can't stand it. I swear I'd be wanting to take my dad and belt off on adults because once you don't screen with your kid in public? Who really looks crazy? Because we expect kids to act out? But why you yelling?

Right?

Lost control?

Maybe? But do kids will make you want to yell? Though?

Man?

I swear you can't see it like you can't even have a parent who's like patient all the time. And you just might witness that one time when they're at there with saying with a kid, you know, so you got to give him some grace to yelling parents too.

My nephew big now. But I remember one time his daddy, my sister husband beat the shit out his ass, not like beat him up, just get belt and actually beat him. Did he beat him with a bell. He might have just had him with his hand. But I was filled with so much joy, okay when he got his ass because when I tell you, he had pushed some buttons for days and they just was letting him this whatever. Pooky da da da da da man he said something in his daddy man. I was like, yes, finally finally

I remember one time me and my sister we were in Belgium and we had her daughters and they were little then they're grown now, but we were in Belgium just like you know, do tourists doing the tourist thing, and my niece was just being a fucking demon child like, she was just so bad. And I think after about four hours of misbehaving, my sister came to me. She was like, I need you to get your niece and I need you to go ahead of us because I'm going to kill her. So can you please just get

Let me take these some kids to be pushing you, man, I seen it. I seen them. They're looking at you. Why they're about touch some shit? You? Doesne told them not to touch thirty times? You gotta have patience because you're going to repeat yourself a lot with the kids that a lot of kids don't.

Let's get the sense.

Are you watching the Olympics? Is anybody watching?

I think people are watching. I have not watched this yet, but I will watch when it gets to like track and field, yeah, because yeah, that's when I really like to tune in. I did not feel the Olympic outfit, the openness, the blazer with the striped shirt and the jeans. I mean I think it was kind of given classic American polo, you know, kind of yeah, but it was just not Maybe it was the striped shirt under it. Maybe it should have been ugly.

It's basic. Okay, they could take a little play out some of the other uniforms book.

I could see what they were trying to do. But everybody can't wear it, you know. I just feel like it needed to be tailored to fit everyone, and it just looks sloppy on a lot of people.

I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. So who you think was best stressed?

I think Lebron looked good in his. He had his little jacket cut to fit. That's it. I didn't really see nobody else that was wearing you know, that made that look sharp? Did you know?

I didn't like America's shit at all. You know, they had like the little lineup with all the the other countries and Mongolia, Mongolia, Mongolia. They shit lit, Okay.

I like them. I like Liberria, Liberia look nice, Hades look nice. Yeah, because I Bearry had the nick cut out on their top that was the shape of Africa. I thought that was fire. So yeah, I thought it was nice America, but America looked stuffy.

And let's talk about opening that. It's gon viral right now for the Olympics. A lot of people are saying it kind of looks like the First Supper, the Last Supper, the last Supper. The first Supper looked like the last Supper?

Man, I was that what that was supposed to be or did it just end up looking like that?

I don't think anything is happened stance. When we're talking about television telling you lies visually, they definitely put a lot of thought in the in presentation. So I think it is exactly what we think it is. Taylor even sent somebody nuts hanging out on an image.

What was that nuts meant to be out? Because that's crazy. If they meant for their nuts to be out.

You have just men to see them. I feel like it was purposely done some nuts. I think it was just one or two little ones. I don't know, but it was some nuts. Y'all seen that picture. Zoom in a little bit on the image what they like posing at the end, just zooming and there's a white guy to the to the to the left with some black shorts on it. You'll see two beige balls of one just sitting out of his short leg.

Well, I don't understand what the point of, you know, mocking or what they were trying to do when the first supper, like I mean the last look the first the last supper, Like, what was the what was the point? You know you just said.

It mocking God? You know what I'm saying, mocking the last supper, This Jesus Christ.

As far as I'm concerned, why they're.

Trying to show you who's in charge?

Who? Okay, y'all keep reading that story will end with.

Exactly exactly and we don't get a little bit into that later on in the in the episode. But yeah, like I feel like that's what they're doing. You know, people like to mock God. People play God, and I'm not God is in me. I don't think it's a thing that's outside of me. But these these things that we be looking at online and on TV, it's not from anything nice, it's not from anything good. It's kind of where and the Olympics is an ancient event. This thing has been going on for a long long time,

Yeah, can't the flame, the lighting of the flame and all that stuff. It definitely seems like some you know, ancient ritualistic things. People from all over the earth come together to compete, you know.

It is you just don't see people dying. But just think about like medieval times and how they would have like these big, big stadiums, stadiums with the people fighting, you know, and it was it was for the the I would say, equivalent to our government, right, It was for the kings and queens to keep the common folk entertained while they do all their fucking bidden and bad shit on the back end. See when when you're no longer entertained, they can't get shipped past you no more

Well, speaking of entertained Simon Boughs, they do it a good job, because Simone Bows really entertained the funk out her flawless flawless balance being routine where she scored fourteen point seventy three three, the highest on the apparatus. Go ahead, my little suss like I can't tell that, I mean, I saw her flipping. I don't know how it's judged, but it looked good as far as I'm concerned. Like, little sister can do that ship. Could you imagine jumping on that beam and not breaking in it?

What's it trying to get her to stop doing things because other people couldn't do it? Like, so it's like not fair, right, what she's a fucking superhero, y'all? Can't do what she do?

All right, you're not supposed to be able to do it in practice. Bit a Snoop Dogg came through. He danced the Olympic torch through Paris ahead of the opening ceremony.

Throwing and everything else on Instagram.

Okay, we don't.

Got no better representation? Is that what we're saying?

That is America?

So this is a clown state.

What is better? The Snoop Dogg throwing up big crip in Paris? Is it what we stand for in this country?

Damn it? Man litsteny y'all. I am actively trying to get citizenship elsewhere.

I need anohings you can go to Ghana.

No, I don't want to go to Africa, so I want citizenship. I mean I can get another passport Africa just to have it. But I prefer Barbados. That's why I want glass. So Rihanna, if you're listening and I asked this before, Okay, I need a Beaesian husband. Okay, I can marry one over there and have my husband over here in America, so I get that citizenship.

You whispering into the mic like a million people not gonna hear it, don't matter if you whisk the beach. Goodness.

Yeah, I need that that citizenship, that Beijian citizenship, Okay, And the easiest way to get it is by way of marriage or college, like if you went to school over there. Investment obviously, you know, if you're an investor and stuff like. That's most countries. But girl, I don't know. I need to be able to get the fuck up out of here when she gets real, cause it's scary'all. Don't know if y'all paying attention or not. But it's the I try. Like we had that episode Digital Detalks.

Really, it's really, it's really real. Well, what can you do? You know? That's why I've decided that I just try to find ways to have peace and joy just in my immediate space, because I can't really do anything about hugely about the collective. So if I can just provide peace and joy to myself and some to my listeners as much as I can, that's all I can do right now. I don't know, that's all. That's all.

Did you see Rick Ross? Baby? Mom? I'm gonna tell y'all ta camp now. She's one of my favorite social media personalities. Okay, this bitch did miss Netta so dirty over the weekend. I did catch that over the weekend. I watched it a thousand times. I think it was the Jazzmine brand. They actually had a part of the of what she was saying like transcripted out in the caption. Dodd laughed so hard. The ship she was saying to this man's like, how you come off the dome? I

Well, I think Miss Netta goes by she and not he. It's so she was read down by TKM big time, Like does she go batch Miss Nettle?

Yeah, just last week she was. He was online saying how he doesn't want to be a woman, and if he did want to be a woman, he'd be want to be a white woman because black women are fucking dumb. Did you catch that's what he said? Yes? Oh no, I missed that just just last week. So I don't think he like, you know, the older generation, like we talked about this on previous episodes, only the older generation. I don't think they really get into the pronouns like that,

If I just assumed, if you go by Miss, you would subscribed to she. But maybe I'm wrong.

I don't know.

God damn, I can't.

Yeah, because I don't see it. Don't miss when I see that, nigga, Okay, I don't. I'm sorry. I don't see a miss. I do not, Man, But she was saying some of the worst shit possible.

I would have hung us on. I would have hung up. There's no way. I would have stayed on the live with her eating yep like that. I mean she was rhyming. She was just like just finding ways the rhyme words together and saying like the zoo need to come pick you up, but I would come rescue you because I don't like harm and animals like, oh my.

God, and did you so? They were recently on What's what's the name of the podcast that they have.

The Aunties Aunties, the Aunty something. Yeah, I don't know.

So Netta and Charles was on there recently and Charles had on a faja under his clones, just sitting up there stiff, can't talk because he was fucking talked nog this is the world we live in and this shit is fucking wild to me. It's wild. Are you not entertained?

Right? They're keeping us entertained, like you said, something's going on.

But she was getting on his ass even this morning child eight forty five am. She was cooking his ass up. Anyway. It's not nice.

Yes, it's not nice. I felt sad for him because he could not argue back with that woman at all. And I don't what was the argument. How did it start? Do we even know, I.

Think social media people started it. I think the fans. I don't know. They call everybody fans. But if you started some shit, you clearly a hater, not really a fan. So something the people the social media started it. Basically the collective started it.

Well. Speaking of fans, and behind the scenes, Tory Lanez was behind the cell making music, and he released two new songs, one called Sell two forty five and one wish I Never Met You. And I can assume that might be about our good sis Meghan, because I'm sure he wished he never met her ass. If anybody, that's probably the biggest person he wished he never met.

I'm pretty sure she wished she never met his ass either. There's that part, you know.

What I'm saying. They both can sing along to that. Yeah, but did you listen to it?

I hadn't. I didn't even I can't lie. He is talented, but to me, Tory Lanez is a chameleon. Sometimes when I like I would listened to his previous albums, like you can't tell who that is? Like he can sound like anybody that's a talent. Shit man, who are you though? Who are you?

That's everybody?

Everybody bitch, Many Face God. Tory Lanez is many faced God, because sometimes I don't know who the hell it is on the album like that nigga be sounded like Future one out with one song, then Tory Lanez another, then the Dream on another song like I don't know, but no, I hadn't listened yet. I don't know if I'm going to either. Oh, I don't support him like that. Uh he said he gonna be home soon. But I was just about to say that, Like these niggas be in

But they they gotta keep hope because if they don't keep hope, they'll just, you know, fall apart in there. I would be like that too, I'll get home. I'm coming home soon now.

Every time one of my little cousins just text my phone and ask me how he got my number, I don't fucking know, And he was like, you'll tell a good jerom I be home next me. Oh yeah, I didn't even know you was in jail, dog, Like, what's up, hope all as well?

You didn't know he was in jail.

No, but he text you don't be keeping up with niggas in jail. Lets you my nigga in jail.

That seems to be the consensus.

And why you talk to me because that's kind of like I know this, this is my cousin now, like my I don't know what.

You're gonna ask for some money next.

See, and that niggas will definitely become a bill from prison, yep.

But if you love him sending something, Oh.

You nigga, whatever you did to go to jail, you ain't do nothing for me while you was out here. No, I don't got it. It's hard outside. At least you can you got housing and a meal in there out here, and we're paying for exactly exactly you know what I'm saying. And this shit is hard. You at least gonna have shelter and something to eat. It's wild out here, Okay, we're really trying to make it. I ain't got it.

Well to lane mm hmm, y'all. We are gonna get into some biblical things today.

Not biblical that sounds scary.

It's not always biblical, could be righteous. We're gonna talk about Lot's wife, and if you know who Lot's wife was, she looked back when she was told not to, and then she turned into a pillar of salt. So we're just gonna talk about those of us who keep looking back and what that looks like and what we should do to combat it. We'll be right.

Back, all right, y'all, we're back, and you know, so we want to talk about moving forward. I guess in relationships, right. So Tam mentioned Lot's wife. God told them to leave the city and don't look back. And Lot's wife looked back with like sadly right in a yearning for what was, and she was turned into a statue of salt.

Turn into a big bottle of Larry's.

For looking back. So if you're trying to do something different, you need to keep your eye enterprise and look forward, don't look back. I am guilty of always looking back, reaching back, fucking back, all types.

Of exactly because it's so much easier to deal with the devil that you know versus a new one. You know. That's I always feel like, what's the saying deal with the devil that you I'm gonna google it and I'm gonna run it back in a minute, y'all when we go to break Because it's easier because you just know what to expect with these people. You know what to expect sexually, you know they're bullshit. You know their behavior,

But the minute you see some of that old shit, you know pop up in this new relationship, now you you have it's a trauma response, right TSD because now it's looking like something you've seen before. I'm guilty of that doing that to people in new relationships and then also refurbished relationships, like I'm remembering what you did your particular nigga, Like this is a new relationship now, but I remember what you did before, and it'd be hard

Do to me? You know what I'm saying, m H. But then you here you are back, so it's like, what about you made you feel.

Like you see, it's all in the introspection, Okay, you always gotta go inside and see what the fuck is wrong with you? What's wrong with me?

Is something wrong with me, It's something wrong with all of us. It's there's nobody all the way right. Have you met an all the way right person?

I haven't, No, I haven't no.

They don't exist. They don't exist. And if they telling you they all the way right, that you found what's wrong with them, they.

Live exactly right, very deceitful, right. And I think it is a familiar familiarality thing right that comes in when you're dealing with somebody who you've been with before, Like you said, like you go on to the next relationship and you just expect it to be like so wonderful, and then the same shit shows up. So it's like, damn, I should have just stayed where the fuck I was at mm.

Hm, you know, at least I like that dick over there better, you know, and be shit like that for really. So I found this article from Healthy Humans Project dot com on how to not let past relationships affect new ones.

Niggas be tired of me bringing up X my exts my ex dat and I know I do that often, and I don't think men realize they do the same thing. But I think when we do something, it's just amplified in the air for some reason, I don't know, but they all think the same thing.

I think our listeners have heard a lot about yours.

As well, because it's a way for me to deal with the trauma. It's a way for me to talk it out right. So I don't really need, and I've said this before, do I need like a therapist therapist. I just need to be able to say the thing right out loud. I don't have a problem saying the things and telling who the fuck ever gonna listen. I got a problem with keeping shit to my goddamn self.

It's hard, all right. So I'm gonna read a little bit of this. Has your partner ever done something that reminded you of a bad experience from a past relationship. I can probably guess the rest of the story. You felt your nervous system kick in, you put your walls back up, your partner got confused, you didn't know how to talk about it. You both went to bed upset. I know this story too. We all have emotional baggage,

Well, I've already done that, right, So I've snapped before, and that's when I know it's time for me to go. Because when you got me acting way outside of my norm, way outside of my character, I gotta get the fuck up out of there, because you trying to drive me nuts or I'm driving me nuts. Can con tenue and continuously dealing with the bullshit.

Mm hmm.

So I don't think I have a hard time trusting people, because as long as I know who you are, I can deal with you. It's like the random ass little ship people do it. It's like damn that's you. That's the ship that scares me.

Yeah. But see that's what makes me not trust because I know it's something.

You're just waiting for it, and I don't really be waiting for it because I whoever you tell me you are, I believe you until you show me otherwise, then that's what I believe.

All Right, here's the next one. Vulnerable. Vulnerability is scary. That's another one. Being vulnerable and being what's the other word.

That's it?

Those are my two words I hate the most. Apologizing it's hard. I don't have a problem to apologizing, and I can do that forgiveness.

Vulnerability is scary to you, Like you don't you don't want to open up people?

Oh like peeling back my layers and sharing the like the most softest part of me. I'm a cancer baby. I got a shell on for a reason to protect all of that Gucci shit inside. Oh.

I thought, y'all, I'll be letting it out.

I thought, I, yeah, I will let it out. But it's not easy. It's not easy.

I let it out. And then if you don't like, you're not you know. I think women oftentimes suppress a lot of things because they don't want to scare the guy at this big age, if you are still dating, right, you need to tell people all the things up front and lit them aside, whether or not they fucking with

I just told a man so that you know some of the things that I require, and he got like, really judgie about the things that I like, And I'm like, well, you don't have to you know, I'm not asking. I already told you that I was only interested in us being friends anyway, So why are you picking through what I need desire for a relationship when I'm not even interested in you in that way? Get Apologizing is hard. Forgiveness is hard. That's hard for me.

That is very hard for me in every aspect.

Mm hmm.

It's hard because you know, I try not to do fucked up shit to people, so when it's done to me is again I'm like, why you do that? What the fuck was that about? So it is hard for me to forgive people because I feel like that thing is still in you, so I can't. I just had this conversation with a friend who I hadn't spoken to a month, and we happened to talk over this week over the weekend. Now, oh, I neglected to tell you, guys, I was shroomed up this weekend. Okay, Friday, Nay, I'm in here.

You had a vulnerable conversation with someone while you were shoomed up.

The next level two two conversations. I had a homeboy called me about about him looking back right and going back to an ex possibly right, And my main thing to him was, listen, remember why you left, right, I'm living in it. So when you get the thing, are you sure that's what you want? Right? Because it looks good until you actually get it. Sometimes anyway, are you reminded?

You then are reminded why you left in the first place.

Right. So this person I was talking to, which I still consider a friend, right, we just we're not connecting right now. And I told her that I take mental notes about situations and about people. It's not that I'm going to live this way with you every day, but I know now what you're capable of after you show me, so I can't. I would be a fool to just

It's like, I forgive you, but I won't forget.

Yes, I don't forget, so I get. I probably forgive, but I because I think I might be forgiving, I just don't forget, right. So the minute I see that thing again, I'm gonna call it out.

I'm like, I haven't spoken to one of my close friends in months, and she reached out on my birthday, and it was just kind of like yeah.

Because once you stop being friends, it's like I don't really know you no more.

I feel a way that you didn't reach out all these months over some bullshit one which I really don't even know what the fuck the issue was in the first place. But on my birthday is not a fine time to hash out our issues. I don't oh today. I want to just be in a space of peace and happiness, and today I ain't doing it, and I don't know when I want to call back either, because now I'm busy. You've been You've been too busy to call back for months and months and months.

Oh so you did reach out to her before, Yeah, yeah, and she did, But then she hit up on your birthday.

Then I saw her out and she went around the table and hugged everybody but me. We was always in the group, and she went around and hugged everybody at the table but me. My girl, what's your problem? Okay? Whatever? And then now you're calling me on my birthday acting like she gonna be normal. Yeah, that's how I feel like. I don't know, I don't know what you're f and I and I'm living in here with two baby infants. I can't call you right now.

I can't like you barely can record this episode right now. Bitch is whispering, y'all.

See.

Then I'm trying to keep it all right.

So this one feeling deserving of love is hard.

I always think I deserve love. I always think of the best of the fucking best. Now more than ever, you know, once you, once you really know you, you have your self awareness, and you know what you're worth.

Mm hmm.

It's hard to settle for some bullshit. Okay, So I'm definitely deserving of love, and if you got to grovel at my fucking feet, that's what you're gonna have to do to get me back.

But there are those of us I don't feel deserving of love. But I'm here to remind you that you are a baby girl or baby boy.

We say that, but we don't know what people have done to people. You know what I'm saying. Do you think that real bad people still deserve to be loved or should they be on a fucking island by themselves, like you've been terrorizing people since two years old. I don't know. I just know some I know of because I'm not associating myself with those types of people, but I know I've really deplorable people.

Yeah, and.

That thing out of them in the world.

Yeah. But I think if you learn how to change and be a better person, do you not then in turn not deserve.

Absolutely, But you have to show improve yourself and you have to apologize for the people to the people you've wronged. Yeah, I agree, you know what I'm saying, So that do we do, we go to apology. Yeah, apologizing is hard, so a lot of times people just avoid its avoidance, you know what I'm saying. As opposed to taking accountability and and and apologizing, they will continuously justify why their behavior is okay.

Mm hmm, I've seen it all too many times.

And no, you're not. You are not deserving of my love.

But so on the else perhaps, Yeah, right, I'm feeling lovable. Feeling lovable is hard. What's the difference between deserving of love and lovable? Is that someone who's giving love?

I like to say I make it easy for people to love me. I think I'm lovable. Yeah, people who actually know me? Okay, who really know me in real life? Yeah, I think some people aren't easy to love. They just they really put you through some shit, you know what I'm saying. Take it to that place. Yeah.

No, I think I'm like sometimes overly lovable with motherfuckers and they get you fucked up.

Yeah, got shit fucked up? Because you thought I was nice. I always say I'm good.

I'm not nice, kind, not nice, like I've adopted that in my late thirties because I always was nice and trying to be a people pleaser, and I want everybody to be happy around me. Some people are committed, Yeah, some people are committed to not being happy, and you can't do nothing about that except absorb some of their negative energy. So I just try not to. All Right, you project onto your partner a lot.

Mmmmmm, I don't think I don't do that.

I mean, I don't think I do that because I just i'd be telling jokes the whole time. Like, even when shit is like fucked up, I will find a way for us to laugh. Do you want to laugh through this, cause we can if you're interested in it, I'm with it. So if I project, I'm projecting that you compare yourself.

Or your partner what to other people.

To pass relationships to his ex, to your ex.

I don't never compare excees. The thing is, you know, men will say that women come with all us baggage and from you know, I'm having so many problems with you because of what the last man did to you, But oftentimes the things are done in this particular situation. I'm not on your neck because of what the last man did. It's because of you in particular. Like I don't bring shit from the other relationship. When I talk about negative things or positive things, I'm not bringing them

As much as I would like to say what you just said, I know that subconsciously, some of the traumas of past relationships do trickle into the new ones in somewhere. I can't put my finger on it, but I know it's there. Like I be triggered, are like abandonment, like.

You calling a nigga phone a lot when they're gonna answer the phone and stuff like that.

No I might ego won't allow that, okay, but my mind like, okay, no, my ego on, I won't call. I'll call and then I'll text, and if I don't get no response, we'll never hear from me again in life. And that be ego because I want to know, like, because then if something happened now I'm worried. I might even be worried about you. But instead of just trying to check and make sure you okay, my ego, it's like the nigga. I know you see my motherfucking text right, you know that's my energy.

I'm only calling one time and I'm texting one time. Nigga, you see me, and that goes for you too. If you call my phone more than one time, you're trying to control me. If I'm Dad, I can't answer. If you dad, we can't do nothing about it. You know what, motherfucker I could have been dad. I could have been on the side, okay, and then what was I going to be able to do with that?

That was God? Be like? You should call nine one one?

Then, yes, why are you calling me? You're trying to control me. That's why you've called my phone thirty times.

But I do that with women. I won't do that with men. I'll do that with women you call multiple times, I'll blow your motherfucking ass up, But for some reason, with a man, you won't call these twice.

Now and more and more, I'm calling board Unless I really really want you to answer the phone. I'm gonna tax you like God, you answer.

Especially if it seems like you hit the button on me, I'm calling back again.

Now thatsk ego too. Now that's like you're trying to be controlling of your whole girls.

You know how, you know how the iPhone now has this where your picture can pop up when you call people, so like their face will pop up on your phone. I will not put my face up there. It's like, why you got a picture up because if you hit the client to my face, bitch, that's a problem because I know my face popped up on your ship and you still hit the button. Hell no, I didn't even put my dog.

My dog is my like Mogi for iPhone.

So when you call it bella pop up, Yeah, I ain't putting nothing up there because I just don't want to kind of anger that would calls for me knowing that my face popped up and you still hit the button on me, pressure pressed my face to say no, oh hell no. All right, you build walls. I definitely have uh built some walls up, all right.

Trump, Maga not maga in the relationships. You got the Mexicans to do it.

These niggas did it. These niggas built my walls from you teach yourself to expect the worst.

Now, I dude, I am. I might be a little pessimistic in relationships. I'm gonna tell you, and it's not I'm still knock on. You're not gonna know that I'm expecting the worst, though, But I feel like throughout my life it seems like the times where I was relaxed and comfortable and happy and just like in Bliss, that's when the worst shit happens. You're married, you got a

I do, so it just makes the blows not hit as hard, right, But are you manifesting the bullshit by doing that? Though?

I don't like, I don't, I don't like really like. It's not like living rent free in my mind somewhere, right. I just I just know what humans are capable of, So I expect you to be human, right, since I'm a god like, I expect people to fuck up you know, I expect you to fuck up, and I'm gonna just be like, listen, man, now, I notice you now, but this is now the new me. Right to counter this new version of you, right, and you can't get mad at that. Some people they want you to remain the

Create unhealthy or unrealistic expectations for your partner.

I don't. I feel like, even with one falling out. And this is because you know, romantic relationships and then like your friendships with your your friends or whatever, guys or whatever, they kind of are the same. Right, So there's only one couple extra expectations I have from a lover as opposed to my friend. Like I expect everybody to love and respect me, and then I expect these niggas to spend some money and protect me. Okay, that's the extra two things. But that's all I require from

Way too many. Are you talking about me?

No? Uh uh? I have. I have had fallen outs with people and some of the things that they come up with that I supposedly didn't show up or do for them as like way over my head type shit. Meanwhile, I've done those things for them and they've never done them for me. I had an argument with a friend and we no longer friends, but it was just min and I cried so bad with this comment, with this argument, because I couldn't believe this was happening. I was being like,

For real, right, And it's like you only seeing what I didn't what I haven't done in your eyes, but never seeing what you haven't done at all.

Because her expectations for me were way up here and mine were very low for her. For her because you're a woman. I don't like pussy, so I don't expect much from my homegirls. I don't Some women act they friends for money. I don't do that type of shit. You better ask that nigga you fucking on for some money. I don't ask money friends for money.

But I won't. I don't mind giving my friends money though.

No, absolutely not. You know, I like to be in a position to help people when I can. But you also not about to abuse me because I feel like people only call people they know gonna say yes.

So I'm a last resort. I'm the last resort friend. All my friends know that. They know that I'll give it to them. But we're gonna sit and discuss all the other options that you have exhausted. First, you was having something? Did you did you give blood plasma? Then what did you do? Okay, they're paying for that. So here are five tips to not let past relationships affect me.

No, you've missed the last one. Let's just hit it. You don't trust your judgment.

Oh I didn't even see that. Maybe because I don't trust my own judgment.

That's women's intuition, and we often ignore it when we in love, Okay, especially when he hit in the back, the back walls, the back door, that side pocket, that makes it a little crazy button back that you keep hitting that suit, you might get stabbed.

And you just have all the red flags and just ignore it.

Six flags.

Yeah, I don't.

I don't trust my I wouldn't say I don't trust my own judgment. I just trust people to be who they are.

I don't. Yeah, I wouldn't say I don't trust my own judgment. I ignore my own judgment.

I think everybody does until that motherfucker actually might knock you out literally.

Right, Yeah, you're right. That's why bitch moving across the country. I'm just going to the other side like it's starting over. Sure, got a reset reset Okay. So here are the five tips to not let past relationships affect the new ones. And that's a relationship with yourself too, not just with new niggas a new relationship with you, baby girl.

All right.

Number one, acknowledge your contribution to failed relationships.

Accountability. There it is again. So in this conversation with this friend who I'm on the outs with, right now. And we talked for the first time in months this past weekend, and then we might not talk another again for some months. I don't know. I might, I'm I might call her for a birthday in October, but I don't know. She said, so, you think you never been wrong in any of your relationships? And I stopped for

I can? I can. You know. My grandmother said this thing to me, and it's always stuck with me. It takes two links of the chain for the chain to rattle. One link kept rattle by itself, so I always try to acknowledge that I know there's you know, I ain't been perfect. I ain't perfect in friendships. I ain't perfect in relationships. There's been mistakes, there's been missteps, but I know that I don't do anything with malicious intent with people I love. Now, if I don't love you, and

But see, that's where perspective comes in, right, because when when doing the thing, the person may not perceive that they was doing a fucked up thing, right, right?

Hm?

But at what point when I say, hey, that was a fucked up thing, when do you That's.

When account Yeah, that's when accountability comes in. Like, I don't like when people say I apologize for how you feel, Yes, don't apologize for how.

Fen So I can't do that. I don't apologize for how I made you feel because that's not a genuine apology. I'm not sorry. Right, It's hard for me to say I apologize for how for what I did, for how you felt because of what I did, right, Because I'm very intentional So if I do some fucked up shit, I meant to do it. If I say some fucked up shit, I meant to say it. Because I have a lot of restraint, I feel like a lot of times I won't say nothing.

Well, no, I can't, you know, when I'm upset, I can't say those things that can hurt people I love, and I will apologize for it because in that moment I was heated and I said some things that were hurtful. Even if they were true, doesn't mean they need to be said, especially to someone that I care about, you know, or you know, because then it's not delivered in a way that is for the betterment of our friendship or our relationship. It's just saying to be hurtful at that point.

At that point when the thing does it again, then were you really sorry when you apologized before? You see?

Yeah, but I'm a work in progress, you know, I got, I got angry again. We met, we here are you and again? Yeah? We're human nuts.

Man, No, man, I don't want it just depends.

I don't want it, just depends. It's just depends on what it is. It's like, you know, because some things it's like, all right, now you just do you fuck with me? Or do you not right? You know? But then the other things is like, okay, she is Gemini.

And Gemini I see things. Gemini is on mean nothing more than fuality. So I see things from all perspectives, every which way. Now, sometimes I might settle in on this one perspective, right, because I feel like there's some things in life you got to pick a side on. But for the most part, I like to stay in the middlest I can see all of which ways. I can see how you felt, I can see this and not. But I should be able to do the same. I should be able the same way I do for people.

Yeah, I get it all right. Number two, recognize triggers becoming an observer objectively. Was your partner's behavior mean spirited? That's what I was just saying, like, was it done to be malicious? Or you know, was it a mistake? You know, did they make a mistake?

And your triggers are for you to manage, not for everybody else, So you can't as an adult at our big age. And I say you, I mean plural, I'm not talking to you, right. People want external entities to manage your their triggers. No, your triggers are for you to manage. So if you know something triggers you, you need to figure out a way to not be triggered. It is not for another adult to tiptoe around your emotions.

M h. But don't you feel like, if you know someone you love triggers, you try not to do the thing press them.

Yea.

So with you saying, yeah, you shouldn't expect people to like live by your triggers, but if they love you, they're gonna try to not, you know, exhaust that thing and you that make you scared or angry.

One thing I used to say to my ex is. I would call him in son of a bitch, and he would get so mad about that. Y'all. Let me tell y'all the story. I made this nigga a hamburger. And when I this is when back when I used to eat meat.

See that I'm mad now because you ain't putting no cheese.

On the Hold on, bitch. Okay, when I when I cook and I made you a veggie burger, right, So just imagine me getting ground beef rog ground beef, cutting up onions and pepper, and I like to use like the little lipton because I put this on the I put I put the limpten onion soup on the on

So he balled it up.

What do you mean you heard me like a child playing with his food. He balled it up on the plate, put all his fingers in it, He took one bite out of it, and then balled it up on the plate, all because I wanted him to eat.

Oh, he was associated past. That is crazy.

And those are the type of that's the type of trauma I live with. You have to say what I'm saying. So now you better eat immediately forever, my nigga. Oh, it's gonna be a problem. But yeah, I uh, hold on, I got into that whole story for what triggering? Oh I knew me calling him a son of a bitch would be triggering because his mom passed away. Y'all was both Yeah, I was both going for the guzzling that night. But I don't start there. You know what I'm saying, Like you took me there.

Listen, he would have balled it up and I would have win and got him afore because now you gonna eat them pieces off that plate. You should have told me you want to slop each other, because that's what the fuck you about to eat?

Man with your meal faster. Yeah, he said hate when I was going, and I knew that was very triggering for him, and I did it purposely. Absolutely, not often, but times where he just got real belligerent. You know what I'm saying, Cause you haven't been with somebody who just make you be nasty mm hmm. That is not my normal setting. I don't wake up to want to be mean, you know.

What I mean?

People though, And this is why that sixth love language is the fucking thing. A lot of people like chaos like you, you just can't be loving because it's scary for them. It's scary for them to think that you really care about them. You want to be nice and loving to them.

I remember my grandma sometimes, like I remember spending the night at my grandma house and she was real old by this time. She wake up in the morning. The first thing I hear at her mouth.

Shit, that's my mom.

What is this. Is that the first thing you said in the morning?

Why are you mad that you woke up?

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Are you angry that for waking up? Good? Lord?

Hemercy shit like like, God, damn, I thought I was gonna be going. That's how I felt when I lived in Saint Louis. I definitely used to wake up like that every more, like I felt like I was in prison. Oh my god, I'm still here. That's real trauma. Okay.

Yeah. Number three, Get to your core issues. Reflect on your trigger. What is it shaped from a past relation? Was it shaped from a past relationship? Reflect on your plane and your pain? Why did it hurt so much? Reflect on your resentment. Which of your values did there or your behavior go against? Reflect on your fears? What are you really afraid of? Therapy is an awesome tool

M m mmm.

It's hard to ask those questions in a moment, though, But I'm working on my triggers because I have, like I know, I have abandonment issues, and I would definitely if you don't answer my car. If you don't respond back in a minute, you hate me. You fucking hate me. I'm a little different and I and I fucking hate you too.

If you don't eat this pussy, you hate me.

Meanwhile, Meanwhile, you were asleep, or you was in the shower, or you had your own shit going on, and I just made everything about me, and you obviously hate me.

You you didn't eat my head. You didn't eat my head. You need my pussy last night before sex, like you still love me?

Like do you know you hate me? You would hate me, and that's what you wanted me to know by not eating my pussy.

Obviously, I mean, no other logical reason behind it.

Because what is your abuse? One star review, My nigga.

This was abuse.

That before learn what a healthy relationship can look like.

From where I.

Was about to say, I'm looking he I'm about to keep reading and see where the foo fucking.

Where my family relationship was so dysfunctional. They're a lot of things that I saw my mom. Do you know even you're raising children and relationship wise, I just I won't do and some things I've picked up and something I still fight against every day not to do like being petty around the fucking house.

Mm hmm.

Oh my god, is so hard to go habitate, y'all hear me. I'm like, man, can I get my own bedroom and bathroom? What the fuck is going on?

I would like my own bathroom. I don't. We ain't got to have a bedroom, separate bedroom, but a bathroom. I don't want to share my bathroom either.

I don't like it. I don't like it.

I remember in the last relationship, my ex used to like take a poop and then like shave his pub hairs over the toilet, and then his dudo looked like a teddy bear in a toilet he left for me to see that shit with just like a dog, just a dookie covered in hair. Just wait when I come. I can't remember. All I saw was a little hairy turd, and I just was like, oh.

No, that's time management right there. He's like, let me just go ahead and clip my balls. Then they got good time management skills. The fuck. That's like people who brush their teeth in the shower. I can't me neither. Why is your toothbrush in the shower?

That is? I don't like it?

Fucking nasty to me.

It's growl. I think it's just men that do that. I don't know know women who brush their teeth in the shower.

I think it might just be men. Actually, I don't know. Because this guy I was dating, I kept asking him, why are you brushing your teeth in the shower? He told me it was a woman that he had dealt with before who used to do that. And he was like, he just found that. You know, you're getting multiple things done at the same time. How How and you don't leave your toothbrush in the shower.

I don't want my mouth where I'm cleaning my ass. I don't want to clean my mouth and my ass. But men, he is the one rag for everything.

So them niggas just nasty dog even when they clean.

M hm.

I don't know. Now, some niggas be extra clean.

Yeah, I know some extra clean Terry. Terry is an extra clean nigga.

Hell yeah, forever. When I tell you all my favorite freshman's first grade, you better fucking believe it.

Okay, Yeah, he is an extra clean nigga. Okay. So what it says is regularly seeking out relationship education opportunities. Research shows that couples who learn healthy relationship expectations and skills are less likely to divorce and have higher marital satisfaction. Regularly challenge your expectations. Are they healthy? Are they realistic? Ask yourself what kind of love do my partner and I deserve?

Hmm, yeah, I guess I still think about how shit, y'all I got this big, beautiful bad that I bought. Okay, I'm gonna tell y'all, this is the current. And it wasn't about the bad, right, the shit with my mental health. It still fucks with my mental health because I have to see it every day. Nice beds the silk head headboard, and this nigga puts his greasy fucking head on that headboard after I asked him several times, Hey, watch your head,

You know, no, you gotta like you gotta bend down on all.

You look folded all of a sudden, all those nice retro j's that you can cover it. U. Yeah, I'm like that about like furniture. I like the house to be nice, you know what I'm saying, Like I liken her to smell like fresh. Sometimes when I leave the house, I leave the TV like on meditation music. So when I walk in, it's like straight zin, it's cool, it smelled good, and it's this should should be our safe haven. Why am I getting stressed out about this fucking oil stain? Right?

This bitch called me, She's like, hey, do you have the bandwidth right now for me to vent? I was like, go ahead, my nigga, I will talk about She turned instantly into a whole hogan on the phone.

About that oil stain that should hurt my feelings so bad. And I don't think he understands, like how much that hurt my feelings? It started something in me.

Mm hmm.

And if you happen to listen to this episode, my nigga, yes, I am still a harboring resentment towards you because of this motherfucking headboard. Because it's not about the headboard, it is your value system. I'm now questioning because I don't give a fuck for real, Like, of course, we gotta put clothes on, like when we record, but I literally dress like a ninja. Every day. I got on black legs and a black ting top and sneakers. I'm going to the gym. I got a sweaty stain around the

No? I don't think so. But you gotta just remember he a man, and his brain don't Their brain don't work the same way.

That my daddy is like that though, right, So, my daddy is a very clean man. My daddy cooks clean like that nigga can't stay and the top off the toothpaste like he got his things. And that's so, that is what I'm used to mm hmm. I'm not saying I have a dirty man by any means, because he's very clean. He just got to get high first and then he starts cleaning like Molly fucking made four boards and all of those.

So just keep the weed planing for around the house.

Get when he high. You heard me? What else you got? Sorry y'all, right, y'all for letting me vent about this motherfucker man. I'm gonna post a picture of it.

He's gonna be mad. You didn't even ask him that they have the band wid for that.

Sorry?

Sorry, I hope y'all did.

Alright?

Release Vent Alright number five and this is the last one. Communicate with your partner. Explain what's going on for you, and this one is most important to me. Validate each other's feelings, not just your own. Don't just wait for your feelings to be validated. Validate your partner's feelings as well. You know, even if you don't understand it, even if you don't necessarily align with what they're feeling. Just validate.

That is it genuine when you do it? Though? But how do you validate somebody's feelings?

Receive it? Don't? Just some people hear what you're saying, and when they stop going to talk about what they feeling, the first thing you say, the next thing that come out of your mouth is how you feel. You didn't even acknowledge what I saw.

Oh, I understand what you're saying. It's the butt that gets me. You don't understand what I'm saying. If there's a butt after it?

What about however?

Bitch not?

However, so I understand what you're feeling. I understand what you're saying. This is what I'm feeling. How can we find.

A way omitt it? The butt?

This is what I'm feeling. Because what you're saying is if I say but, that doesn't invalidate you. That just means I feel something different from you, you know. That's why.

That's why I said, how do you validate the person's feelings? Right?

Saying you understand Even though you're saying but, that doesn't mean you don't validate their feelings. That just might mean you don't agree with their feelings.

Right. But sometimes when you say but, but such and such and such and such. People still then feel like you're not validating any feelings are You're not validating what it is that they're saying, So you end up in this merry go round thing.

But validation doesn't necessarily mean agree It just means I receive what you're saying. I understand what you're saying. However, I feel differently. You know, I don't necessarily align validation with agreeance.

So validation and relationships express empathy, normalize feelings misunderstanding what it means to validate reflect their Oh hold on, let me see empathy. Empathy express empathy. So okay, so you know, I really understand where you're coming from, But do you understand where I'm coming from?

It's like, no, don't even say, but I do know, bitch that I did.

Validation is a communication skill that can help both parties in a conversation feel heard and understood. Validation shows that you are truly listening to understand the other person's feelings and point of view, even if you disagree.

There because you don't like. Validation doesn't mean all right, I don't have nothing else to say because I agree with what you're saying.

Oh, here's some examples. I can understand why you feel that way. I can tell this is really important to you. What a frustrating, upsetting situation. I want to make sure I'm understanding correctly. That's I use that one. I ask for clarity before I flip out a lot of times. Can you explain what you mean by that?

But are you asking for clarity? Are you asking for.

So you can No, I'm not correct, So I can flip out because once you give me off, once you offer me the Okay, my friendship that I was arguing with, right, my homegirl, I sent her a long ass text message and response to a long ass voice note. She sent me for clarity, right, So I read what you sent for clarity. You then refused to read what I sent offering clarity. So your hell bent on this miscommunity communication, misunderstanding.

Yeah, and I mean that's all you can do. That's all you can do. So that's the five tips you guys. I hope y'all try to apply this shit to your relationships if you have one. I got to listen. I know, I'm so hard on these niggas, I really am. I got to do better. I can't never pick nobody. I'll really be having some you know, nice men, you know, pursuing me, and I don't never like nobody who like me? You know what is that about it?

You know why? Because for women and this just this might be a trauma response when you can't pay because you've picked before and the result wasn't favorable. Right, So it's almost like for men, because we know men don't show up as their true authentic selves. Right y'all can say, yeah, we wear we even make up and all this shit.

It'd be like the ones that's really like. He probably would treat me so nice and be a good husband to me, but his butt bigger than mine, Like it be dumb shit like that.

You are six fee got god, you got child bearing here, and that's why he's single. Don't nobody want on fpis son.

That's always my fear because my butt is so big, and I just scared I'm gonna pass that on to a little boy. Please don't do that to me. Please don't do that.

I don't like a nigga with no ass though. Don't be coming around here looking like a tabphole dog.

Okay, I need I take that over, really, we take that over all, big.

Little snolly face booty, just like the little tiny cuff at the bottom, and they like shape like a heart.

Over a fat ass looking like yeah.

I'm not saying a fat ass, but like the same way I like like fit backs. I like a nice booty too.

Yeah, I would like that. But if I had to choose one of them, I take the tampole.

No, hell no, I like niggas with thighs too, like I like niggas with like nice So.

You don't want a nigga with my ass standing it?

This absolutely not like damn the nigga that's your fucking home girl. You need to get out of that relationship. You are in a lasbian relationship and you're probably wearing your.

Drawers, That's what I'm saying. So you would take the tadpole over there?

No, you would take a tadpole. I know. I don't want that. I don't want No.

If you had to choose between the two, if you had.

Give me the fatty really yeah, man, yeah, man, give me the fatty that. I'd rather that than that. Little fucking girls. You gotta show me an example, because walking around in here, big belly, I don't want my like Rick Ross dog, I don't want it.

That's how Rick Ross built. I never really paid ashes, damn.

That's how I know Rick Ros's boy, booty guy, like a little happy meal, little arch at the bottom.

Just y'all, let's get about of here, man.

Anyway, My last last look. If if you want to go back, go back right, but don't forget, don't I think because this this episode actually started with looking like going backwards and relationships or bringing past things into new relationships. I'm not saying not to go back words because I do it a lot. You know what I'm saying, same niggas, heavy rotation. I know what I'm getting. You know what I'm saying is just hopefully this time it's better than

Did you hear anything I ain't got? I know what you talk about whatever, don't.

Tell whatever you got going on in life. I'm just saying, it's this the same, it's the same personalities oftentimes, right, yeah, so and then you know, again, all relationships is there's how much you can deal with from somebody else. That's it. That's all it is.

So I was, I was high, and that's all came on. Tell me something good, and it made me think, like, I want to hear y'all good news. So call in and share your good news with us, whatever it is. Be like, hey, y'all, just want to tell y'all I just got my degree, or I just bought a new house, or I got a new car, or I just left that nigga alone. Whatever you feel like.

You ain't got to hide your good news from us, you know you, Yeah, share shit from some people sometimes.

Yeah, No, share it with us because we want to celebrate you. Is this the right numb not one nine one nine. It says about to expire in third days, So we got to do it. We got to visit, all right. So the number, y'all is nine one nine four one oh seven seven three five. I'm gonna say it again, nine one nine four one oh, seven seven three five, call in, share your good news because we want to hear it.

All right, y'all, you don't have a last last for the relationship stuff, but that's it there.

I ain't got shit because I can't listening. I don't know, all right, y'all.

If you enjoyed this episode, y'all, tune in every Thursday on the Black Effect podcast, iHeartRadio, Apple, whatever the fuck you get your podcasts at. This is your co host, aj Holiday two point oh on instagrams. Kick it Tam, y'all.

Its official Tambama on Instagram. Follow me please. I appreciate the love, y'all. Remember to speak.

Now and should never hold your peace, never hold your soft munit communicate talk Lot's wife, look ahead.

Bye.

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