Welcome to We Talk Back Podcast, the production of iHeartRadio and the Black Effect Network.
We're just two unapologetically black women with an opinion. He talks back.
What's up, y'all?
Thank you for tuning in for a new episode that We Talked Back, the show dedicated to you dreamers and chasers.
It's your co hosts a J. Holiday. What's up, Tam Bam?
What's up girl?
How you doing?
I love y'all, I love y'all.
How's your weekend?
I finished moving.
I'm sleeping on a blow up mattress, bitch, Ti, My mattress comes.
In not a bouncy house over there.
Yes, honey, I smash on it yet, but and look I got a real plushed out though, Okay, a plush Now. I can't talk about niggas who sleep on blood mattresses.
They don't carry my mattress.
But they don't count because you moving. Some niggas that stay permanent.
Shit that's they got, bitch is coming through. They got sex, They getting sections at the club. But I ain't got no bed.
Where's your head board?
Where's your priorities?
Why is your polo so flat? What is happening? Sir?
Then there's pillows. What did I do this weekend?
I saw you, bitch, I saw you with the motherfucking shorts song man.
No girl, when I tell you, they was on my head and the club this weekend.
My little boo boo gave me my walking papers. He was saying he done with me. I was listening to my short. He doesn't cut me lose.
So like, I was like sad on Saturday night. I gave myself one night to be sad. Then Sunday I was like, I'm outside, bitch. We outside tonight. That's how it was on Sunday, And I threw on some shorts and some leather boots and had a marvelous time.
They was on my head. They was chasing me around the club.
That's all in.
Take yup.
So next, you over him, You over the bub I missed him.
But I mean, if you ain't want to be here, then please go where you're welcome and where you're happy.
Okay, period. Next. Next, let's get into the sense of the week.
Ah girl, did you see.
This video of these fucking kids licking toes in the gymnasium in school looking peanut butter?
Was it adults?
No? There were other students.
So it was an Oklahoma high school and Deer Creek High School to be exact, and they were having a fundraiser to help a local coffee shop that hires people with special needs, so they were raising money for them, and they had a toe locking toe sucking tournament was the event that students paid to attend, and they had kids on the ground like literally sucking other people's feet.
And I just don't understand.
Who approved this shit, Like who said, Okay, yeah, that's a good idea, let's go ahead and let these kids lock on each other foot.
D these kids different, okay, because why.
Would you even participating that?
These kids real different from what I remember kids being like, no, now, let me let me stop tripping. I feel like sometimes we be lying acting like a lot of shit wasn't going on.
No at my school, dud not.
At the school. But I definitely got my toes licked in high school.
You didn't know.
And I wouldn't think about looking nobody toes in high school, Like what is that?
What is that?
I ain't think about looking nobody toes Now I'm not looking nobody's toes. I side eye niggas when they suck my toes, but I'm not gonna stop them.
I don't like, don't put my foot in your mouth. I stand all day for work. I just don't feel.
Like you should do that. That's nasty. Stop It's other. It's other special places that you can lick that I will actually enjoy.
My feet are not not one of them.
I like a little toe, I like it.
I like to see a little toeing and a nigga mout every once in a while.
And not some kids though, this is that's that's real wild.
Like, so did the kids organize this thing or was it organized by adults? Because I'm seeing a lot of shit that adults are doing the children and for schools.
But it was a school sanction of it, which means adults had to approve it. And I'm just trying to think of like what adult was like, Yeah, that's a good idea.
Let's let's let the kids lick on each other foot.
The principal obviously got a foot fetish and he don't give a ship he wanted to see it.
Yeah, because that's wild.
Let me not assume that the principal was a man. That's that's kind of messed up.
But whoever whoever is the need and fired, because I wish I would have seen the video of my baby on that damn gym, navy or floor lick at somebody's feet. Everybody hit it, and my baby like, what is wrong with you?
You ain't got enough sister, know not to do no shit like that.
Right shame? So listen, what would you do if you are in love? Right?
This man asked you to marry him, and you're walking down the aisle and all of a sudden, what's that movie with a girl would out at.
The damn prom Kirie cam Kirie.
You walking down the aisle with your beautiful white wedding dress on, and all of a sudden somebody.
Throws red paint on you on your wedding day. What's your next move?
I'm airing that whole motherfucking wedding house. Everybody back up? Who threw paint?
Girl?
So it's a story on I find this online. So bride is splattered with red paint as she's walking down the aisle. Amid claims her groom's unhinged mom arranged the attack before later a thing to steal her son's passport to ruin his honeymoon. So they still got say I don't fuck with niggas with mamas noth example of why I prefer niggas who don't got no mama, no sister, and adult children.
Adult yeah, adult children.
If you got a thirty year old daughter who is not in a healthy relationship with a man, I can't fuck with you.
I just feel like before I would marry a man, I would have to have like some type of healthy relationship or healthy boundary with his family. Because she knew that lady was full of she knew that lady was with all the smoke before they went down the aisle. There's no way I would have walked down that aisle with someone.
So we're hinge.
When I tell you the church would be so clean because I would clean all the pulpits.
What his fucking mama.
You can't be doing that to nobody, Mama, absolutely, because you know, sometimes I feel like men they let their mom run amuck over their lives.
Right, So you you didn't leave it to your significant other to try to sort the shit out when really that's not my place. You need to check your mama. And if you can't check your mama out.
He clearly couldn't check his mama.
He probably never could check his mama in life, and that's why she thought it was okay to bring have somebody to bring paint up.
In the wind and steal his passport so.
He can't even go away.
And they they got married.
Still clearly, clearly they still got married.
They needed a passport to go somewhere because they would be bail bunny for my motherfucking ass.
That's all they would need.
So y'all, uh, Kanye West, uh new wife? Listen, her name is Bianca since censory, but that.
Calling her new wife. They've been together for at least two or three years now.
Absolutely not Kanye has only been married to that lady for a year. Oh okay, Yeah, they got married last year, so y'all be seeing her. You know, they got pictures with her walking around with the ass out with a little plastic bag.
You know.
I agree with Kanye when he said, like the the big designers be sealing his design because I can't remember who it was during New York Fashion Week, but they literally everybody was dressed like his girl. So obviously, y'all, y'all do be paying attention. And he is a trendsetter in some type of way, but anyway, so apparently Bianca censory. We've named her Bianca uncensored. Her dad wants a word with Kanye West over the recent revealing photos of his daughter.
It says, shortly after Bianca was seen not wearing underwear under sheer stockings while having dinner with Ye in Paris. In Paris, her father we don't call this Nigga Leo Okay Leo reportedly said he wanted a conversation with the controversial artist, keeping in mind of the outfit could lead to legal trouble for her, as France has strict indecency laws and could result in jail time or a hefty fine.
One source claim Bianca's father, Leo wants to have a proper sit down with Kanye and ask him what the hell he's thinking when he paraised Bianc around like a trashy naked trophy pony.
How is this? This is a grown woman? Right?
Is she being held against her will? She's always smiling, She always looked happy.
She look at happy hole to me, well, she looked like she might be easily influenced, you know, would she be wearing this trash bag?
And niggad asks if she was not with Kanye.
I mean, but who is your dad to check me boo?
He also said, you know, would he wants Chicago North to be seen in public when and revealing closed because their husbands encouraged them to.
Absolutely not.
He's trying to get Kim to take his kids out of a particular school because he feels like it's a school where children are groomed for Hollywood. Right, So of course Kanye would not have would not allow a man to have his child walking around looks crazy.
Well, help pussy out.
But yeah, this speaks to how sometimes boundaries that men have really doesn't pertain to women that they really don't love.
Mm hmm.
You know so I personally I don't think Kanye West actually loves this woman.
Yeah, because when he was with Kim, he used to get mad about her posting essentially stuff. So why the change her? Why is it okay for this woman to be so exposed?
You don't like her?
That's what it balls down to, because I remember Kim crying after the met gala. It's like Kanye knew exactly what she was wearing at night, and he waited till that day like to fuck with her about how revealing the outfit was right.
But now you got this bit. She don't be having on no clothes at all.
She'd be naked, bro like she should really be outside and asked nickd just having them.
Would let this scallop your scallop is.
Out, your callup is exposed.
The middle of the Dad in the middle, in the middle of France's second dick on the boat, Kanye Buck cracks stay out his ask me out too.
Kanye hopped in the truck and he was kicked up.
Kanye, why are you so kick all of a sudden say two of the kind of.
Sh I don't know?
All right, So, speaking of men respecting the women that they say they love, we're talking domestic violence on this week's episode. So we have the founder of mad okay, that's Men Against Domestic Violence, and we talked back this week.
Y'all stay tuned, all right, y'all, welcome.
Back, And y'all know March is Women's History Month, and not to start the month off super heavy, but the conversation is definitely necessary. Women are almost always at the forefront of domestic violence conversations and primarily primarily the main advocates. Also, men aren't exempt, you know, from being victims, but they really don't speak out being victims or the abusers. It's
usually a conversation that women are having. So today's guest is out here breaking the cycle of abuse through his work as a CEO and founder of an organization called MAD. That's m a d USA, Inc. And that's Men Against Domestic Violence. He's also the assistant Assistant Chief of Personal Development in the North Charlston Fire Department.
He's a girl's dad and he's a good man.
Anna, okay, y'all. Welcome Chris Raine, we fight, I mean we talked back.
What's up?
Welcome Christian.
What how you doing today, Chad?
I'm doing good, doing great, doing great. Nice to be here.
Tell us about man, how I got started, tell us all the things.
Really just a god, I think I would say, in a very unconventional way. I was in Baton, russ Louisiana in two thousand and six. I got a phone call from my cousin and that basically changed my life. I learned that my mom and my four siblings were murdered by my mom's husband, and they had only been married for about a year, and my mom was in Mi from colon cancer. So when I initially got the call, I really didn't know what I was flying home for.
Nowhere really told me until I got here. And I had actually spoken to my mom ironically the day before, and our conversation was just around the period of time of which we had not talked, which was probably about a month or two, which was very unordinary for us, and she just basically was saying that she was busy basically following up her last chemore appointment and that they were headed got the Moja festival. I got a chance to talk to three of my siblings and you know,
they said that they were going to Mojia. I said, I love you, love you too, and I told her I would talk to her tomorrow. She said, promise. I said, you know, we promised that we would talk the next day, and that was the last day we spoke. Fast forward about seven years of trying to rediscover myself and you know, this life and what it really means to go through
this type of tragedy. I decided, through prayer and isolation that I wanted to do something to honor my family and their legacy, not in a negative way, but you know, bringing life to their lives and I hosted event at Walmart in the parking lot in honor of them to bring awareness to domestic violence. And I was only expecting family members to show up, and we had about five
six hundred people show up in that event. And I knew from that point on that there was something bigger that I needed to do, and I wanted to do something that wasn't done already. I think that we have a lot of people doing reactive work to domestic balance. There's shelters, not enough shelters, and our resources for victims, but what are we doing on the front end to
prevent it? And I felt like that where my space was, and so that's I began an organization to do proactive education for children, teaching team dating, violence, bullying, and domestic violence. And eleven years later, you know, made some legislative changes in the state of South Carolina, because before twenty sixteen, you would actually get more time for beating your dog than you would have beaten your wife or your significant other. So our morals quote unquote did not match.
So y'all know, in South Carolina, it's still a law that you can beat your wife on the front steps of the Courthouse downtown Charleston is still a thing on the book, so a lot of legislation, legislation still actually hasn't been changed. So why do you think it is that men aren't as engaged in the topic.
About domestic violence as much as women are.
Guilt and accountability. I would say my very first TED talk I did was about men owning your role and just looking at the feedback that I got from YouTube, just the comments and stuff, and men just saying like, well, I never put my hands on a woman, Why do
I have to take responsibility? But the truth of the matter is you didn't directly have to be a slave owner to benefit from slavery, and I don't directly have to be an abuser to benefit from the privilege of being a man, or contributing to the culture in which men feel like it's okay to abuse women or treat
women a way that they do. So to me, I think a lack of accountability is the main thing, like not wanting to accept our role what we benefit in the culture, Like, no, not all of us may put our hands on someone, but you know, I think verbally we probably said some things sometimes, you know, as we grow on relationships. That probably is not the best thing. I'm on both sides, and I think just taking accountability
for the culture in which we allowed to happen. If we're watching it happen and allowing it to happen, I mean, are we not at fault as well?
I had I had went on a date one time and we just went to like a day it was like a brunch day party situation, and we met with the guy was seeing his friend and he started telling the story about how he had to beat his girlfriend the night before, all right, and I got really upset
and I left. You know, I call me an uber, and I left because I just felt like, one it was one you just you know, casually talking about beating a woman, and two the nigga ain't saying shit right, So that gave me a sign that this ain't the party for me. This is not my ministry. So the guy was dating he said something to his friend about why I left. So the next time I saw the guy, he was like, I apologize for, you know, having that conversation in front of you. But some women don't feel
like you love them unless you beat them. So my question for you is, do you agree with that scenario, like, are there women out there that only feel love when they're being physically abused by men? And is there counseling for that?
With Matt.
So to answer your first question, this is going to open up a very deep conversation. Second ted talk that I did was on love is not Love, which is layered oppressed, fooling the emotions, And the premise of that talk was how do we learn how to love? Is it a universal thing that everyone understands what a healthy relationship and with love is or are we taught with
love is? I would say that we're taught right, So when we say that the only way that a woman feels love is if she's hit or she's abused, okay, we have to kind of backtrack and say, well, how was she taught? What was the environment in which she grew up in to where this was the norm, to where this is what she accepts as being the norm. Because if you grow up in the household as I did from the age of six, where love and violence coexist, how do you learn how to love without violence? Because
they are hand in hand? And so I think you know the root of that is, you know, and I was talking to aj about it earlier. Like even the kids that I teach sometimes their lack of emotional intelligence. Some of it is from them, but some of it exactually passed down from their parents. Like there has to be like traumatic cycles that are broken. And so I can't blame the woman. You know, anybody would look at her and be like, oh, you know, it's stupid. Why
don't why doesn't she just leave? Like it's a deeper I hate to say sickness, but it's a deeper traumatic event that she's had going on in her life repetitively to where she feels like this is the normal, right, and this is what she accepts as love because her dad might have did it to her mom, or you know, her mom may have a boyfriend and something that does it to her, and it may be the pattern happening over and over again. So what she does is accepts
the fact that this is what love is. At times it may result into this and it's really just on like kind of just settling. And sometimes you have men who actually, you know, seek women who are heavily submissive. And I hate using that word because I think the word has kind of gained a very negative feel around what submissiveness looks like in a relationship or should be in a relationship, and so now it's just seen as negative.
But you know, and not to preach. But also I often reference Ephesians when I talk about like submissiveness and the way that I grew up in the church, I used to hear male pastors preach for hours about wise being submissive to your husbands. And one day I decided to go read for myself, and I realized that God gave more instructions on how male is supposed to treat a female then he did the woman being submissive to
the man. So my thing is is if men own the part of treating your wives that Christ loved the church, or no man committing harm to his own flesh, Because when you become married, our relationship, however you see it, you become one right and no one's going to commit or should commit harm to their own flesh. And if you're deeming this person as your significant other, are your better half? As some people say, why are you harming
this person? Because that cannot be a reflection of what love is heavy.
I think that a lot of people you just have to find somebody who has the same definition of love as you do, because I feel like women who get abused and men who abused somehow they always meet each other because that same man could get with another woman and would never put his hands on her because she's not allowing that thing, right. But it's like, I know some women who have been abused in every single relationship they've been in.
Yeah, I was just thinking about that.
There's a girl that I know from Colombia and she's always posting abuser man abusing, Yeah, abusing her like different scars on her body and different war wounds from different men. And it's just like, how are you continuously attracting physically violent men?
It's a pattern. I mean, there's no different from fishing in the same pond where they breed catfish and catch a catfish. You can't be surprised that's where you're fishing at.
But I'm confused on how that worked because basically what you said Columbia, South Carolina is a bunch of women beating ass nigga.
Well, I'm gonna just tell you so track breaking in South Carolina ain't great. I mean, we notice that's when they come to men killer women so cultfully, I mean, going back to what AJ said, Like, you think about it, even though that law is a blue law, right, which is, you know it's on the books, but it's not practice. You could obviously get in trouble.
For it, But like spitting on the sidewalk.
Right, But you have to go back to the route of why is it there in the first place, right, because there's it's not by coincidence that over fifty percent of the states that make up the top ten or southern states. Right, Why do we hold on to laws like that? Why were they designed in the first place? Because to me, there's no Again I hate bringing up slavery, but there's no rule or no law that is saying that it's okay to be a slave. But in turn, I would say that it doesn't stop the system of
slavery to continuing to happen. And so when you have men who not only feel like it's okay to abuse their wives physically, but they got together as lawmakers leaders of a state and came together and decided that the right thing to do with their time is to protect the fact that they can beat their wives on what they would consider a holy day and the Bible belt in public, who.
Says that shit crazy.
That's why listen, I got a pistol for anybody coming at me different, I swear, don't come at me crazy. So let me ask you this. Are you saying you do a lot of like training with children, you want to get them young, right, But how do you go about teaching a child something so heavy and helping them to understand these things? Because it seems like a difficult task.
You go, you figure out what the pillars of And this is what I'm meant to tell ag a minute ago. You find out what the pillars of the what I deem to be a sickness is, which is power and control. Right. If you don't have power and control overybody over someone, you're not gonna be able to abuse them. That's off top.
They're gonna leave, right. No one just magically becomes like, I'm not gonna come holler at you and be at our first date and be like, you know I hit and abused women, right, That's that's nothing that I'm just gonna come out and say, right, because you would leave right. So over time I have to, like some people, court to you, you know, tear you down physically, I'll tear
you down mentally. Right, and get you to depend on me emotionally, depend on me for your happiness, and then once we get to a certain point, then they feel comfortable enough abusing right. No one's just gonna come out and slap you, because nine times out of ten you're just gonna leave.
I usually do it on the first date, but go ahead, so you can't like so so a year from now, you.
Can't say I changed. It happened the very first date.
If I see aging a dollar paper, i'm'n just.
Be like, AJ is gonna find a way to make domestic violence lighthearted.
Let me tell you what to do. You gotta hit them on top of the head. It's a it's a reset button on no shopping niggas head and like, especially if they got hair like Kristen, you won't be able to see it.
You just kind of don't.
This is exactly the opposite of what Christian is trying to relate to our listeners.
She's just joking. Yeah, she don't really be hitting nobody.
I don't know that SHEI ate any anything violent oftentimes, So.
You're saying with the kids, you teach them about what power control, So power.
And control, so when you when you say, like, how do you get this across? It's teaching the basics. So elementary school having a conversation about teen dating violence is not age appropriate. They don't understand it, right, But what do they understand relationships? Friendships? The root cause of bullying is power and control. You can't bully somebody unless you have power and control over them, right, So we teach
about friendships, healthy relationships surrounding bullying in that conversation. And once we get to middle school and high school, that's when we start talking about teen dating and domestic violence and you know, talking about red flags. But what we also just started incorporating into our lessons is a lot
of things dealing with men health. Because we talk about like being able to recognize signs, but how do you recognize within yourself the issues that you have dealing with depression recognized and whether you depress, whether you deal or suffer from anxiety or temper or a temper right, or any of those things, And how do we solve it or how do we recognize it, get help counseling, how
do we heal from those things? Last week I led my first class in meditation and it was dope a bunch of high school kids I had in the class that I've been teaching for months, and for those kids, it was like for them, they said, it was the very first time in their life that they can remember their mind just being clear and not racing about life. And that's mindfulness And that's a lot of power to hand over to a teenager that they've had, but they
deserve to be mentally free, you know. So basically just teaching like a holistic thing, like not only pointing out the red flags, but you're also just being emotionally intelligent enough to be self aware but also manage your emotions, but also to be socially aware to understand the people that you're dealing with and kind of just gauge how they emotionally respond to things, because I think even as adults, those are things that we sometimes suff aware in relationships.
We can be self aware, we can kind of manage our emotions, but sometimes we have a hard time reading and managing other people's emotions and how we react to it.
So with MATD, you only focus on the youth, or do you deal with like adult men who have already been like domestically violent to people and they're trying to change or do you not work with them?
Tan, That's a good question. So I would say that I work with everybody because I've taught in college, I've taught with the military, I've trained my fighter apartment on it. There's not a space that I haven't done domestic violence training. But when you talk about the abusers traumatically to me, I used to be very closed after that because obviously I was biased. I had abuser take everything that I love away from me, right, but I had probation partner parole reach out to me.
About Yeah, I was going to ask what happened to that motherfucker? Because where he at he's in.
He's in Colombia at a mental institute. One of the high schools that I teach actually is right by it. I actually passed by it for the first time in December last year. I never knew where it was, never went up there. I forgave him within myself, never tried to do a face to face. But he's in a psychiatric ward in Colombia.
He was mentally ill already from the jump. Did you feel like you knew this about him prior to your family?
No, I think that he knew what he was doing. If I'm being honest with you, I think that he was severely beaten when he got to prison. I mean, obviously you go to Leeds Avenue. People know people, and people knew what he did. They knew my family. You know, I grew grew up in the gardens, and you know, unfortunately a lot of people that I know might be on Leeds Avenue, you know, right, So you know, I think.
Said, that's what I'm gonna say. What's Leeds Leeds Avenue and Charleston South. Leeds Avenue is where the city jail is at.
Yeah, so that's where he went first.
That's where he went first.
You were about to say how the parole or whatever you were, you were telling us how the parole board or whomever reached out to you.
What was that story?
And so they reached out to me about basically, let me fix my face.
I got mad, got mad? I did go ahead.
So, I mean, it reached out to me about training for abusers, people on probation for domestic violence, and you know, initially I was like, I don't know if I'm ready for it, because I don't know if they will ever change or if it's just a waste of my time, and I didn't want to, I just right, and so but I agreed to it because I was like, look, it's it's an opportunity. Let me at least feel it out.
I believe in uh well, rehabilitation to a degree, but I believe in the higher power, and I feel like things are often put into my path for a reason, and some of it is growth. Right, And so I went and I taught them, and what I realized by teaching them were they were victims themselves, may not have been victims of direct abuse, but goes back to back to what we talked about before, like how did they learn how to love? They watched their dad beat their mom.
That's all they know. So that's all you know. Guess what you're going to do when you get an adult relationship. You're going to revert back to your foundation and what you and your parents are your first introduction to what love is healthy or healthy.
Right.
I feel like violence is like that final measure for some men to prove that they are men. Right, they may not be able to show up in life like they want to, like, they may not be shit at work, whoever else amongst their friend group They're not that nigga. But in that house with these women and children is where.
They are the boss. So what are what are? What's your perspective on masculinity because I think some people confuse masculinity with violence sometimes like you being stronger than whoever else is around you? Can you share your perspective on masculinity and how it intersects with topics like relationships, family and personal well being?
So aj I know, as a disclaimer, I probably should have told you I get add So what's gonna happen? You're gonna have to break that question that a little bit more part.
Let's talk about masculinity and what it is to be a man, right, because I think that a lot of people try to redefine what it is to be a woman. We've had a whole episode on what is a woman right, and it's not for women to define what a man is. So from a male perspective, what is a man? What is masculinity and how it means to relationships?
I think one I think that we're all trapped in a box, a man box. If I can be real, I think as men, we are trapped in a box and we have this idea that we've been fed since the beginning of time that this is what makes a man, and those things are typically unhealthy things that have to do with being violent, being aggressive, competing against each other in unhealthy ways. And I think when it comes to women, I think we just saw we have a hard time cherishing women because we don't get a lot of we
don't see a lot of examples of it. It kind of baffles me the fact that all of us, what we do have in common is we come from a woman, and we don't cherish a woman as if she is the power of population, the power of birth on earth.
Say it right, your.
She is God on earth right And and you know, I'm not going to quote it right, but you know Tupac said in one of his songs, We're going to raise a race of babies that's gonna hate the ladies, right, And it's still true today. And I think we're toxic because we don't have we we view what you deem to be like we have conversations about women and how women should be. We don't have conversations about men and
how men should be. But also we don't have a conversation about it being okay for men to actually be emotional. Right me, personally I am. I am vulnerable. My mom raised me, so you know I have what people would deem as feminine qualities. I'm just saying, like, I cook, I clean, I do my daughter's here. There's nothing that I hate to say it, but there's really nothing that
I would need a woman for. And my mom told me pussy pussy that all right, So I'll say, you still need I understand what I'm saying, right, This is
what my mom told me. She said, I want you to be with a woman because it's who you want to be with, not because you need her for something, need her to cook, need her to clean, need her to do this because a lot of men are just like, oh man, she know to cook, I'm gonna make the rest work out, right, And I'm like, I want to be self sufficient because then I have more to bring to the table because that takes a lot of work
off the woman. Because if I can cook and clean myself, I'm not depending on you to just take on that responsibility by yourself. To me, that's what partnership looks like. And that's why I tell women when they're like, oh man, I want a man that you know work and I can just stay home. I'm like, Okay, Well, that's a dangerous place to be because one of the forms of abuse that we often do not talk about is financial use.
And if you put yourself in that situation and you're in one of these forty six counties in South Carolina with only sixteen shelters in it, and you ain't got no money where you're going at.
Right? Only fans that's where you're going?
What about my mama house? Like god damn.
Some people don't have that option, right, People don't have anybody.
That's the thing about it. And I warrant teenagers about it. Like, you know, you go to college, you got a man that's from another place, and he got a job offer somewhere. You end up moving back with him. You stuck, you isolated, your family not there, your friends not there. You may have mutual friends with him, but I can guarantee you if you hiding, they're gonna probably tell them where you at. But back to what AJ was saying as far as like toxic masculinity, I think we just suffer from a
lot of trauma. And I think it goes back to just like I told you, earlier, Like, it's so many different directions you can go. I mean, you can go back to like slavery, you can go back to like even when we were free, and how the system was dividing the households between men and women, and women were kind of the were not kind of they were the bread winners because men couldn't find jobs because the only jobs that they had at the time were being slaves.
Women had trades and things that they can do, so they typically held down the household. But if the man separated from the house and you put in you insert government assistance. But with government assistance, you can't have a man in the house. You break up the dynamic of you could say, the black home or homes in general.
I know that that thing, right, we always talk about it, but I don't I think it's an assumption, right that that was most black people's household, right. Have y'all seen as a video on social media right now, And it was like black people in California, like the early sixties, and they were saying how they didn't want black people migrating from the South coming to them because they were affluent black people like in Cali and shit, and I feel like the North was affluent, you had a lot
of affluent black people. Slavery was predominantly in the South is where you saw this type of this type of thing. So I just I don't I don't think that it was a norm. You know, like every black woman is not on housing even then or now, right, So I think it's a misconception. A lot of the times black men were already leaving the household is what I'm trying to get to, right, Why the systems were put in place. I don't think the systems were put in place because
black men were already there. I think something was happening in the jobs and things like that. Yes, something was happening, But I don't think that black men. I mean, I don't think that the welfare system was put in place because black men just weren't there, or they didn't want them to be there. They put something in place to make them go away. I think they were already going away.
Even if they were already going away, why is it I can't have him in my home if I'm receiving government assistance, why do they Why can't I have a new Why can't I have a new new man in here? Maybe he ain't the father of my kid. But why I can't have a I can't even bring a new man home. You know, if you're on section eight, that seemed like it was very divisive.
It was, but also a j I would I would say that, and I mean, this is just a theory. But you know, when we when we think about like systems like, we have to understand and acknowledge the fact that systems are they have they passed down trauma. We are are the way that we operate as men, like it is rooted in something, right. I think the minute that we were taken from Africa and brought here and incorporated into another system and freed without reparation, we were
already destined to not succeed. We were set free without anything. And so you take that with men that are broken. Whether people believe in post slavery traumatic stress or not, that still impacts the way that men operate now like we still like we have archaic ways in which we operate, and it's based off of you can call a tradition, you can call it hereditary, you can call it whatever it is, but it's to me, it's no different. How like slavery still echoes in every aspect that we move
in in the South, particularly our state. Like we can say like it doesn't exist, but that type of behavior was passed down from somewhere, But it came from somewhere, And I think, like as we as we continue to look at it, I just believe like that may not have been like the sole reason, because I don't think that it is, but I think in general, it had a place and had something to do with it. And it's not a pass for men because at some point in time we have to make a choice to break
a cycle in to change. Like I mean, I watched my mom get her ass what plenty times, and I watched her with other people ask but you know I knew, I mean straight up, like I mean my mom, I tell people my mom was a g I mean, you know, I watched her slap somebody across the face with iron. I mean my third brother, I mean second brother, I guess his dad got shot by my mom. My mom really didn't play them type of games. But I realized, like with me, I did not want to repeat that cycle.
So you know, unfortunately I still ended up in two abusive relationships myself. But you know, I had to make decisions like this. Ain't this for me? Like this, ain't I've seen unfortunately, I've seen what this can result into.
So you had women that were violent with you, or you ended up being violid with them or both.
Damn you shouldn't even have to ask me that question. That wouldn't even be on this podcast if it be a woman.
But the answer you might be reformed.
No, no, no, no, definitely. I cannot stomach talks as you say about men putting the hands on women. I could never put my hand on a woman that's not in my DNA.
Let me ask you this because you said seven years after you had lost your family members, that is when y'all had you started kind of started mad and you had the event in the Walmart parking lot. What was that seven years like for you? Because I want to know, like what healing looks like for you, because a lot of people go through something like that and they ain't never write again, and they never could create a platform like you have. So I commend you for that, But
what what was that like? You know, how did you come out of that?
Reflecting on it? I mean it was a lot. You know, I've gone through moments of like feeling lost in life, but probably never as lost as I felt in those moments. So those amount of years without any type of direction, I mean you talk about like just existing, that's kind of what the hell I was doing for seven years, like just existing. I felt broken, I felt alone. I
didn't want to be here anymore. But you know, ironically, for me, like I got baptized about a month or so before that happened, and I would say religiously, it was a kick in the face to me. I didn't want to hear what the preacher had to say about anything, barely wanted to hear what any type of counselor wanted to say. There was nobody that was going to explain to me that this shit was okay. And so I smoked a lot because at the time I felt like
that was the only safe space that I had. And I typically don't even say that publicly, but I think, you know, just kind of being real with people. I realized that even with doing that, like I wasn't like when my high came down, my issues were still there. I had to go to counseling. I went to like three different counselors, and it was all about just feeling comfortable, and I finally had like the dean of psychology at
Southern University. She counseled me for like year and a half and we got to a point where she said, like, I don't know what else to do. She said, you I lost my mom, but I've never lost anything of this magnitude, and I don't know. And so I've been to probably like two other counselors since then. Who have you know, give me a lot of tools to help. But I mean, it was it was really a dark place to put myself out of. But I needed isolation.
You know, sometimes you have to be in the cave and just be with yourself and your thoughts in God in order to like figure a way out. Because sometimes the world is just so busy, so loud, that you don't give you some time self to think and reflect on life, and it's easy to get into the pattern of being busy. I've mastered that I could busy myself
out of life. And I just realized being by myself with no girlfriend, no friends, like being in Orlando and not really having a social life and just really being by myself, like life one is worth living if I die or if I take my life like he wins right. Not only did he kill five, he would have killed six at that point in time. And so you know, for me, did I want my family to be remembered and then me overtake their legacy by me killing myself
wouldn't have made any sense. And I knew that my mom was stronger than that and she would expect more from me. So you know, when I got back home finally went back to church, first sermon that I heard was about asking God the right questions, not asking why, which is I think the normal question that most people want to know, but praying for guidance, like where do we go from here? Where are you leading me from here?
And so like in my life now, I don't really I mean, I still have anxiety, I still stress, but I embraced chials interpolations more in life now because I know the growth and the blessings that come on the other side. And so I mean, it took him in and and I would be lying to anybody to say, like it doesn't affect me. I mean, my mom's birthday affect me. My great grandmother just died three weeks ago. We buried her Saturday, and she's buried right. Sorry, it's okay,
and she's buried right next to my mom. I appreciate it, you know, and that's where she wanted to be. But going out there is a reminder that you know, your immediate family is gone. And I tell people like, if you got biblands and you've got parents, you got mom like cherits and love them because time is the most valuable thing that we possess in life.
Right, So let me ask you this, where do you want to take mad Like, where do you want it to go? How do you want to grow it?
So I want Mad two. I probably need to change it from mad US say the Mad World.
Kendrick Omar probably got that trademark.
I'm gonna have to.
It's definitely a mad world out here, right.
But where I see it growing next? Because I've done sessions in India the country, and I've done sessions in the United Kingdom, and I love to see it globally. But for right now, my acute goals is to open a chapter in every state, have a state each state run their own organization under the umbrella a mad usay, and kind of just get to work on breaking these cycles and creating an environment where healthy relationships are the norm.
Because if we know that the issues are at home and the kids are not receiving the same foundation, it's our obligation and our job to teach them what healthy relationship look like. Like. We know traumatically, I mean not even just through trauma of but we just know that our traumas are passed down. I mean I see it in kids that I teach all the time, how they handle their anger, just all of that right, and to me, it's a huge responsibility to take on. But I mean,
somebody has to teach skids. Somebody has to So for me, it's mad, you know, being in every state in the United States and then just kind of moving on from there. But this advocacy has to continue to grow. I mean, people have seen the work that we've done. I mean I've won national awards for the work that I've just done in South Carolina. But I mean it isn't that doesn't stop for me. I mean, I love my professions as an assistant chief in the fire department, just and
inspired to be a head chief. But I think where God is calling me in life is too pour into his children.
Let me ask you this.
You said that you forgave the person who harmed your family in that way? How because I can't forgive people for taking my parking space outside. Still, it's a nigga that live in this building right now, We got beef just because of some shit that happened in the parking lot. So I just want to unders then, how you came to that, because I just have such a hard time with forgiveness.
So it's something so tumultuous, like how were you able to do that?
So i' might answer your question, but I'm gonna also ask you a question. How heavy of a burden do you feel about not being able to forgive?
How heavy? I'll be sleeping?
But are are there some deeper things in life that you have not forgiven that you feel like? Deaf? Is you?
I know, absolutely absolutely, But I just can't see myself forgiven. Some shit is just unforgivable for me, Like it's just like, why why would I absolve you of that pain you cost me? I don't ever, I don't want to forgive you, you know, So I just I don't see how I could ever forgive some of the atrocities that had happened to me, And what has happened to you is much greater. So it's just I want to know, like what it took to be there, so maybe I could channel some of that energy for my own life.
And I'm gonna ask you one more question before I answer your question. Are you absolving them? Are you absolving yourself?
Well? I ain't did shit. Why I need to absolve myself?
You know? Why Am I absolving myself for the things that you did to me? I don't understand.
So, you know, we talk about the five agreements sometimes, right, and one of them is not taking things personally. Sometimes it's not about you, right. The thing that somebody did is not about you, Right, So you have to realize, like, yeah, this person that is fucked up ship, it don't really have nothing to do with me. It's something to me if they did it to me, yes, but it's but it's it's something going on with them within them, you know what I'm saying.
Mm hmmm, it's mm hmm.
Let me say this. Let me let me say this in a different way. Right, forgiveness is not for them, is actually for you.
Because I've heard that before, But I just don't understand how it is for me when they did me harm?
How is me forgiving you? For me?
Because the fact that you're still like I can see it on your face right, So you still harnessing and you're still holding on to it. That's negative energy that you stored in your body every damn day. It does not promote growth within you. So my thing is is let that shit go. And for me, in order to reach where I wanted to go, I had to let that shit go because I had a burden of hate in my heart that wasn't allowing me to move forward because I was hanging on to it. Is in the past.
It happened. I can't change shit, me killing him, me not forgiving him and bringing diet Your back and bringing William back and bringing a Keen back and bringing Melchi back and bringing Semina back. None of them coming back. So for me, I got to move the hell on because he's sitting in Columbia right now, no matter how I feel towards him, and it ain't changing his life. It's only affected me. So my forgiveness of letting it go is me freeing myself. He has to live with that.
And so when I talk about like, and I think where AJ was getting that with that was when you forgive somebody even though they do something to you, that's something that they have to live with and you just kind of move on and free yourself. And it takes work.
I can see, yes, breath it hard because it's so y'all like be mad.
I yeah, you're right.
I do carry some hatred for some things that has happened to me in my life against people.
I'm sorry, but I don't. I don't know how to do that. Baby. That's it's gonna take a long I don't know.
It's gonna take some work on my behalf to decide that forgiveness is what I need for myself. Because I feel like I'm sleeping pretty good and I still we still got beef. We got beef for life, and it's on site. If I see you, it's on site. That's how I feel like.
I'm know it's terrible, but it's the truth.
It's some people I got beef with. It ain't even here, no more. They gone. But if I can't, if I get in the gates, I'd be like, what that bitch yet?
And God gonna say, straight the hell if there's one okay, you're not pass God bitch.
You know God ain't through with me oh yet. So that's a beautiful because you know, I would always feel like forgiveness in that realm was something that slave owners taught black people to keep them in check. That's not what I would feel, like, like, why are we forgiving people who've harmed us so greatly?
Why? Why do why should I forgive them? I should? I feel like I should never forgive you for that. I don't. I don't. That's just something I don't understand that level of So I.
Would say this forgiveness, I think was like being submissive at a point, like I felt like people were forgiving people a hella fast right, Like.
When that white girl shot that black man in an apartment complex and they was in the courthouse giving her bibles and hugging her.
I was so mad.
I was so upset, like why are we giving this girl this kind of love and compassion after she just murdered this black man in his own home. And that was another example for me of like forgiveness just being something that we just give too freely.
And I agree, and I will tell you, if I'm being honest, forgiveness didn't happen overnight. Forginness didn't happen for me until probably like five five years ago. Like I mean, they had been over a decade of me harnessing that kind of thing. But I will tell you after I forgave, and like I said, I just believe in you know, divine design, that a lot of other doors started opening
for me. My nonprofit grow tremendously after I let that go because I was a better version of myself because I was at harnessing hate or rage against somebody, because I had to take control of myself. And that's the thing about like forgiveness and like being emotionally driven by harnessing that kind of feeling towards somebody is you can easily be triggered, which means you don't have control over yourself. Somebody else is still possessing of control over you. So
step one and emotional intelligence, be self aware. Step two emotional management. Right, so understand that if somebody is triggering you, they have control. I tell kids this all the time.
Maybe I need to sign up for MAD tonight because I need to sign up tonight.
I don't forgive easily either, Like I definitely hold grudges and I'm make it known that I hold grudges against people, but it's not I'm not going to allow it to affect my day to day, you know what I'm saying.
I just need you to know that, I know that. You know I don't fuck with.
You other than that, Like I'm not litting it and I used to. There's a lot of things, you know, especially like things that transpire and relationships with men.
You can let that shit fuck your whole thing up. You know, you can't even think for real?
Yeah, yeah, what's some advice you would give to some men struggling with expressing their emotions and or seeking support? And it can't be like we talked about this earlier, y'all we got men that listen, right, your woman is
not your therapist. Okay, sometimes you gotta seek it. I know I asked him for advice, but just right quick, you can't just unpack on your woman to expect her to have the tools to deal with whatever traumas you may have had your entire life, right, So sometimes you gotta seek professional help.
So I would say one thing, right, two things. I'm gonna answer your question. But yeah, but I'll get this out of the way. I think that just from a man's standpoint, one that is vulnerable and tries very hard to be emotionally available. That finding a mate that is okay with me expressing myself and being very raw with my feelings is very very hard to fine because you have to find somebody who is on the same emotional
intelligence level as you. And I speak a lot on men not having deliberty to say things that women can say to men mm hmm, because if I walk around ignoring women like how they feel like it's okay for them to ignore men, Like if we're talking and you just decide you ain't going to respond. I can't do that because if I do it, it's a totally different reaction that I deal with. Or if I emotionally respond very quick and I know myself, I am very sharp with my words.
Now you're sassy, I am saying. You know, I'm saying. That's what women would say if you with the responses.
Oh, he's sassy, right, And I can be pretty savage with my words. But I know that about myself, right. So now, like, what I find is people are very impatient with me because I am very slow to respond. One I have to process what you're saying I want to listen to fully process what you're saying, but I also want to think before I talk, right, I want to make sure what I'm saying is true, is it helpful, is it inspiring? Is it necessary? Is a kind?
Usually when I get to the end, God damn Christ, who got time for all of that shits?
But we want men to be emotionally available though you know what I'm saying, you gotta make time for it.
You got to like if that's But the thing is is like, imagine if you have partners that considered that before they said something to you, right, Like arguments or disagreements would go totally different. It wouldn't be so emotionally charged to where you know, I'm trying to tit for tat you like I'm trying to move them like now, like are we resolving this issue?
Like he just hurting each other.
I think people need to be honest that they like this much of toxicity in a relationship because bitch just be getting bored. If every man was emotionally intelligent, like nobody would be together. Because I feel like people need a little bit of toxicity. They won't admit that, but it's a six love language.
For a lot of people.
Why so, aj, why do you feel that way? Why do you feel like there has to be I.
Don't feel that way. I don't want toxicity. I know exactly what that looked like looks like. So when I see people online saying shit like I want my man to be obsessed with me, I know firsthand what it is for a man to be obsessed with for a man to be obsessed with me, Because listen, baby, every somebody's always in love, okay, always in fucking.
Love, and it's not. You don't want a man to be obsessed with you.
So y'all out here doing magic tricks and all this shit to make a nigga fall in love, You're not gonna be able to get rid of him when you feel like it, when you want to, You're not gonna be a to get him away from you. So I never want that type of control over another person. And I don't like being control.
I'll be feeling like just a little see on that base sprinkle, a little salt based sprinkle, just a tiny little bit of toxic energy, make it a little a little spiky, a little bit, just a little sprinkle sprinkle, you know, little Ramsell down was nothing too crazy, nothing too crazy.
I don't have no foolishness. But this is a little sprinkle.
How do you find that buffer because most people just ain't a little crazy.
Yeah, you're right, You're right. It's a slippery slope. I had a nigga chasing me around the club this weekend. I had to get security to walk me out.
He was drunk. He was drunk, and I was in there with some short song. He couldn't help.
In his mind. That was a little bit.
No, that wasn't no sprinkle, nigga, Stop you did, nigga? Get I make a light of it.
But I'll be thinking like a little sprinkle of like, no.
Bitch, it's not cool because it's not. It's no middle ground. We're crazy crazy it is.
She'll be saying like little stuff like I be joking, but like when I have a man and he be going out, I'll be like, leave your dick here, you know, just like you know, joking, acting like I'm a little obsessed with him, but not like scary up says like if he ain't answering my phone, I'm not like obviously he wants me to come to his house.
I'm not one of those.
All right, never mind, send me the link for mad so I can yeah, bet, because you need therapy.
But TAMN, Like to your point, what I would say is like understand like why people are like drawn to drama, right and like reality TV. I was asking somebody the other day. They was like, you know, I was like, well, why do you you know? I like my Reality TV? And I was like, well, does that reflect like who you are in life? And They're like no, And I'm like, so, why why are we so right? Why are we so
in tune to drama or entertained drama? Because I'm gonna tell you at some point in time, I'm gonna tell you from an ex sign, go say which one watch the whole lot of reality TV? And i'swhere like she just enjoyed arguing because that's what the hell she was watching. Like if you watch a lot of drama, like, do you not like take on a little bit of that in yourself because it may be something that you're yearning for, are yearning for the wrong amount of entertainment or attention?
Like to me, like what you subject yourself to sometimes points in the direction of what you want to be or what you want in your life.
What's that.
I'm gonna.
Watch a lot of war movies and I ain't trying to jump out nobody playing.
Christian, but like a lot of war. But you seem like you're ready to go to Warde.
Tam So, like I always think about that, like in American culture, like where like reality like the Snapped and these shows with people like real killings and stuff.
Why is that a part of American culture?
Like why is that TV shows? Like why is that entertainment? Somebody's murder, like what happened to your family could very well be on one of these TV shows Snapped? Why is that entertaining to Americans? Murder twenty one Savage got a song go Red Room, Red Room. That's murder spelled backwards. That's just part of our culture for whatever reason. And it's disgusting.
Though kind of found that if I'm being real.
We're going to be honest. Yeah, it's the American way.
Apparently we were found.
We're not completely founded, but I would say that there was a lot of rape and murder that.
Happened when to get this place started, to get this place started.
But to answer your question about men, and I think you were asking how do you asking how do we become emotional or how do we practice that? Or what were you asking?
Like how did how do how do men you know who are struggling to get help struggling with mental health?
Where did they start?
You start with self awareness, like understanding that as men going to counseling is okay. I haven't had a therapist yet. That hasn't become like a good friend. No matter whether they like transition to another job or whatever, it is, like they still stay in contact because we've just developed a relationship. You have to have people that you can talk to outside of family and outside of a relationship, because if not, we look at it as compatibility or
connection with somebody because we can have those conversations. But are you truly not just trauma bonding with somebody because we look at trauma bonding as ooh we compatible, No, you're incompatible y'all to share you know the same level of trauma, and that's what y'all bond on. So when y'all heal from that trauma and there was a guy talking about it on social media one time, Like, when you heal from that trauma and you have one person that's healed and the other person that's not where do
you go from there? Because and I'm just telling you from a person that's been in that type of relationship and had to make a very tough decision about the type of father that I wanted to be to my girls. And I had to get out of the situation because at the point I healed and they were still hanging on to their trauma. And you can't force somebody to heal. I was only control of healing myself. But if you're not going to do the work to heal, and that's
that's for men. Like, if you're not going to do to work to heal, like the trauma cycle is going to continue. It's never going to change. So you know, being self aware that even if you don't view your life as being traumatic, it's okay to have a counselor that you talk to in life because me personally, I deal and suffer with a lot of anxiety. I had to learn how to manage that, especially after my mom died.
Like I was waking up every morning with some of the worst like feeling like fight or flight every day morning. And I woke up, you know, and I had another situation in a relationship where I started feeling the same way around my partner and I was like, this, this ain't life Like if you bringing that level of anxiety to me, it ain't healthy. So, you know, being self aware of yourself, but also just doing the things mentally and physically to take care of yourself, take care of
your health, and don't apologize for putting yourself first. I think that you know, when we get relationships, we especially some men who are mostly available, they sometimes get taken advantage of more because they are deemed this sometimes softer. So you know, but it's okay to like choose you understand your boundaries, set your boundaries, stick to them, but also just acknowledge the fact that every woman you meet is not going to accept you one hundred percent for
who you are. You're gonna you're a rare man and you're going to have to find a rare woman, but you're going to have to do the work. Like especially, I think you said at earlier ages, like if you got a woman that points out like something about you that needs to change or something you know that challenges your trauma, that's a damn good woman.
Needs to be like that's just me, that's just who are you?
But you got them? Why are you the way that you are? Because it ain't ain't normal contrary to your belief? Is it's not normal? Like I mean I grew up in the hood, like I still are. I mean still in the hood to a degree. And I mean like I talk to people every day that still hold on to the same trauma, the same attitude, Like this is me, this is who I grew up. Like, yeah, we grew up in the same environment, but right now we two
different people. Why And I I hate saying that I've been through more than you because that's subjective, But in theory and life, I've been more than been through more. I have more excuses to.
Be uh fucked up?
Correct then you? What is stopping you?
Yeah?
And that and that would be my challenge to men, like like it's okay to be to be broken or bent or a ment like I need some help, I need somebody to talk to. I need to like grow within myself. Like it's a simple reflection to me, I look at my kids. What is the man that I want them to marry? How do I want them to be treated? Because I'm the type of man that's not going to choose their love life form. You asked Daddy
for advice. I give you advice, but I'm never going to tell you not to talk to this person, not to talk to that person. But you have to sometimes be that reflection of what you want, because there are people who expect different for their mom and they expect different for their daughters, but not really willing to do the work for themselves. Because if you are the foundation of which they learn what love is you accountable.
Absolutely true.
So we had a great segue in about five minutes ago into a SIMPS story before.
We get into a SIMP story.
Though based on yall interaction with me, Christian, am I running the niggas off from listening to the show.
No, I will honestly tam like we would have to have like more conversation. I mean, I mean, I'm very real, y'all are beautiful women, so I would thank you. I would not have like a lack of men trying to talk to y'all.
Somebody always in love? Okay.
My question would be is how a good man, how do you how do your first dates typically go?
I'm telling hello jokes, I could see that.
It's always fun, It's always a good time, and I'm stand up comedian in the whole time pretty much.
But that's just my personality honestly.
So where do you Where do you lay your expectation in your boundaries out?
When I did?
I start laying boundaries and expectations when I decide that I like the person, not the initial like the first date is too early. It's all first dates a friend zone for me, for everybody. But if I like, Okay, this guy, this guy seems like he has potential, then I start laying down boundaries and expectations.
But in the beginning, it's just fun. Shouldn't it be that way? Though?
I'm dating with.
Yeah, but you need to tell us day one what you want date one, what you're looking for.
Because I don't know. I might not want ship from you.
And why are you outside?
Because I have to see if you're something I want.
You know, I have to see if just I can't just go off based off looks, so I have to, like, I need to get to know you a little bit then I can tell you what I want because you may not be it in the first damn place.
That's how I feel like you are you homeboy material, you know? So why I'm laying boundaries with you. I ain't ever fucking with you.
You know, Let's just eat this little steak, watch this little game, and then that's it. But if I really got, like I start feeling you, then I start laying down expectations and boundaries.
So do you feel do you feel like because you say running and off, like, do you feel like theyre what do you feel like they run off from? Because I mean just re you like you seem like you have a very I don't want Well, yeah, I would say, like a very addictive personality.
What do you mean like I DoD drugs?
Like people will want to get to know you.
Oh yeah, yeah, I think, okay, yeah, okay, you're right. You're right, Christmas, you're right.
But what happens once they get to know you?
What happens was to know.
I just I just had someone say that they can't deal with my emotional sea sauce. I'm a cancer sometimes I cry.
Oh lord, that's so.
I didn't even seesaw really though. I just saw this ship that I like, I addressed it, and then they called it an emotional sea sawce And I'm like, what, how's that emotional seesaw? If I can't address something I don't like because we were getting along fine and then I tell you this is something that I don't like.
Now is an emotional seesaw.
Out the though it depends on how you delivered it.
Though I thought I.
Was I got to talk to these niggas nice.
I'm so sick, That's what I'm talking about. That's the sassify you know what I'm saying, Like my thing is. But if you want me like, think about this aj in a relationship, like if you want me to value your feelings right, how you feel, you want me to listen to understand, not the respond is that too much to have the same expectation from you? Because I don't like this is my tone arguing and it irritates the
hell out of some people because this is me. I cannot allow you to take me to another level because guess what at that point in time, then I don't have control over myself, which means there is no control over our conversation. That we ain't going nowhere right. So for me, like if you're not able to and I understand,
like some conversations warn't more emotions than others. But if I see an emotional influx, like you this way during the day and then I call you back and you here, and I'm like trying to like converse with you, to try to figure out like what's going on, and then next thing, you know, you got an attitude of me and I this shit. I'm like, I mean, how long are you riding these waves?
You know, Christian?
Why aren't you reading my mind?
That's the problem we are not. Let me tell you something about men. We ween the smartest people think we are.
Oh, we know that people think that, but but I would say, like from a standpoint of.
And I think that goes into like social management, like reading women and their emotions. I am not the best at it, right, And I think most men kind of suffer from that, right because we are kind of hardened to not really embrace like a lot of emotions are. And it's not like we get a lot of practice with other men because outside of my friend's circle, like what I consider my golden circle is the only men that I will be vulnerable with, and they are vulnerable
with me. But not everybody has that. Like if I stayed in the hood that I grew up in, I would never be emotionally available for nobody. So the only practice I get is engaging my women, Like that's going to take practice of me reading that because I can't say that women are the best communicators of their emotions, like most women want their minds to be read. And I'm like, you better textclue me, sign outside, telegram everything.
You better everything to me because I can't. I'm not And I will tell you I don't read between the lines because if I read between the lines and I get it wrong, that's a whole nother argument. Right, So why not for me? I ask for clear communication. You tell me exactly how it is that you feel. You tell me exactly how it is that I'm making you feel, and then we can address the issue, because if you
skip steps with me, you're gonna be highly disappointed. I'm gonna just tell you because to y'all, y'all got to understand we two different creatures. Y'all understand y'all have this telepathic thing going on within y'allself. Like people are just feel that.
Way about men, though I swear to God, you could be so articulate, you could say exactly what it is. And sometimes men gaslight and women do too, right, and what's the next response when when a bitch say some shit that.
Makes too much sense? Were you mean?
That'll be the response? What you mean?
You know exactly what I'm saying. You know exactly what I mean?
The way you mean can mean two things. Right, I'm Sam, where are you from?
Columbia? South Carolina?
Okay? You understand a little bit of gichi. So when when they say that, I think either one and I hate telling them man, but one, they probably was not paying attention to the conversation. What you mean typically is I heard the back end, but not the front end, right, not listening to understand, and they did not come up with a good response on the fly. Or secondly, it can be them being stuck and not really knowing how
to reply. Because sometimes I'm gonna tell you, some women hit me with some stuff emotionally, I'm just like h And they're like, well, you don't have a response. I'm like, well, first of all, you literally just gave me two seconds to respond over what I consider that even a text message or even on the phone, a huge bubble of information that you want me to decipher.
Ah, I'm just called to cut you off right there, I got it. I don't got enough time to think about a bullshit ass answer.
So it's that's my thing, right, would you if you just hit me with a long paragraph of information, right, just like you were asking me a question of a minute ago and I said, aj, I got add Like, you gotta break up these questions for me, because once I get to answer one, it's gonna be hard for me to get back to the second. Like if your man is a man that can you can ask him fifty questions and he can answer off it or respond to all fifty things. You got a great one, But
for me, you gotta break that thing down. Because if you send me a text message in a bubble, right, I'm gonna tell you how I'm ana reply, I'm gonna stroll back up to the top right, and then I'm a reply to that, and then I'm gonna stroll back down read some more. Okay, I'm a reply out of that, Like that's how I'm gonna reply to you. So you take that in a conversation, I can't go back, right, And if I'm holding on to the first thing, the first and last thing that you said, then I was
listening to respond to you. I wasn't really listening to understand you. And so if I fire off real fast nine times I'm attend, I'm gonna say something that's probably gonna fuck the rest of the conversation up.
Man, you're tripping this shit.
Me personally, I don't, so I don't respond that way. And that's the thing about it, Like I don't really respond that way. Like I may be quiet for a minute, or I might say, you know, I need some time to process, but I don't give like the short like you tripping, right.
I got enough stress at working. Shit, be my peace.
Men don't really.
Mean that, because men are I actually do mean that when I say it, because I work a very very stressful job, and so when I come home, I don't mind talking about world problems and all that other stuff. Maybe for the first thirty minutes hour we can talk about work. Are they going, what's going on in the world?
After that, I just want to connect because I need my woman to literally be my peace, because outside of this world it's chaos, especially you know, being a black woman and for me being a black man, and especially the profession professions that I'm in and what I have to pour into other people, Like when I come home after we talk about our days, like, I just want
to connect emotionally with you, and that's it. If we got kids, we can manage them until it's time for them to go to bed or whatever, and then it just needs to really be me and you. I don't want to talk about world stuff all damn night. I don't want to talk about problems all damn night. I don't want to hear complaining all damn night. Like if you complaining all damn damn, I'm just like, well, goddamn like, you want to hear from me, Well, let me tell you.
Let me tell you what I want to hear from you. I want to hear your SIMP story. We gotta take a commercial. We'll be right back, but when we come back, that's what I want to hear from you. One second's real easy way to say that.
All right, y'all were back, and we are going to get a SIMP story, a SIMP series story from Kristen.
What you got for us, Kristen.
Well listen for one. I'm gonna tell you, y'all put me in a very tough predicament, in a rough spot. But what I will say is I was in a relationship where uh, I felt like I did it sounds the same, sounds more like a damn sadass story, but where I feel like I did a lot of adjusting right. Whatever she wanted I did. I worked my ass off to provide. At one time was working five jobs at a time. She said that I was working too much, so I stopped and started businesses to support financially and
on top of the job that I have. And I think at a point where no matter what I did, she wasn't happy, wasn't satisfied, and didn't really appreciate what it is that I provided. And I think when one day she called me selfish, that was a trigger for me because I was like, I've literally sacrificed every goddamn thing,
whether you talk about financially, emotionally, whatever it is. Like, I knew there were things I needed to work on, but I will say at the end of the day, it was a relationship that spanned it over ten years, and I can't say that I got a whole lot from it. Oh, I'm getting a whole lot taken away, but I am getting a whole lot from it, a whole lot of money taken away, But I ain't getting a whole lot from it and for something that I'm
not getting anything out of. So I don't want to like get too far into detail, but I think that, you know, it's very hard for men to kind of bounce back from situations like that, because I'm gonna be honest with you, like being divorced and having two girls. In my mind coming out, I felt like I was damaged goods. I'm going to be considered damage goods, and I had to realize that I have a lot more value in me than my past or my current situation. But I know they are in the biggest SIMP story
in the world. But scorpios typically ain't simps, specifically when they're born in November blue like that from experience. But I tell you, but that's probably the thing for me. I would say, like, you know, giving you all to somebody and then it not being appreciated and them on the back end trying to destroy you or run with a narrative. Because one thing about myself, like I'm not going to bash anybody. I'm pretty to myself, mind my own business and don't like people in my business, especially
in my personal business. And so you know, for me, she can run with the narratives that she wants, and I'm gonna keep my silence and just keep life moving.
Yeah, that's why they so vague, vad and a quartering. I appreciate you for trying Christian, but that wasn't that.
I'm trying to.
We're good, man, Yeah, we're good on that.
I told listen, I told since earlier, I said a simp story. You ain't really.
Women having that a lot lately.
See, I guess the only people who be getting played out of here, Tom, I guess because I got plenty sim right, I'll see dumb bitch stories.
I just shared one with y'all earlier.
Listen. I mean that's that's probably the closest one I got. That's the closest one I got. I mean, typically, you know, I'm anew for my way out of them situations, and I would say that women typically.
Well, I'm sorry that your relationship is all and I'm sorry that is fucking up your pockets, my boy.
I never I don't understand why people You're like, why are you celebrating a failure that is not something celebrating?
So you just to start a whole I'm gonna tell you, like that is the trauma behind divorce, like when you want to talk about black men after divorce, like the pressure Like from my standpoint and where I grew up in right, my perception of a perfect family was being married. I waited until I was married to have kids, right,
and it didn't work. Me Walking away from that situation, by far was probably the hardest damn decision I ever made in my life, because I love my girls like no other, but I knew in order for me to be a great father for them and be a great example for them, like, that situation just wasn't it in my battle? Was Am I failing right now? Am I feeling my family and my feeling the fantasy of which
I wanted a family to be? And it's no different from attaching yourself or holding on to an unhealthy relationship because of perspective of other people's thoughts. That failure is other people's thoughts because you're the one in the relationship. It's not a failure to you because you chose you
it was healthy for you and for me. I almost stayed in the situation because I was more concerned about what other people thought and feeling like I was a failure when really I had to choose myself, and I mean it was the hardest thing to get past was the feeling of feeling like I failed. But the perfect family, as by a counselor said, is a fantasy. She said, if Jesus did not have a perfect family, how do you expect to have one? He had a blended family.
Ryna, keep that to myself.
No, I ain't saying that, my mam, wad listen to this show.
I can't say that.
Earlier. I want to. I want to hear what you got.
I was just gonna say, Mary ain't even get smashed, so technically.
I mean she did? She did? She? You do realize that Jesus had brothers, right?
Who was all right?
Jesus had brothers, but Jesus ain't have a physical daddy, a physical daddy like ain't nobody.
Skating marry Joseph did after after, but she was.
A virgin when she had But we know men lie, women lie, brother just don't lie.
I don't know how I got this baby, all right, y'all listen, last, last, last, last. If anybody is out there and y'all feel like y'all won't have nothing less, you always got yourself.
You always got yourself. You mean, just keep that in mind.
You mean, do you have any last last advice for our listeners, Christian, I.
Just take it back off of what AJ said and just always bet on yourself.
Plug all your things. Let our listeners know where they can find you at.
I'm telling you now, if you need help with your website, I'm here to help because I tried to go to it today and that shit is not existing, non existent unless you got a new website.
But let no, I'm working on. So I'm working on a new website because what happened was somebody, uh right, they took the domain. I'm going to switch it probably to mad U s A Inc. Dot org. That's what I'm working on right now. I mean.
Off of business services.
Off I support my business. I don't care what he is as long as it's right. Yeah, So coming very soon, y'all. Y'all know when we got a website back up because it needed to be reconstructed. Anyway we got. We got a lot of programs and stuff that we are working on, and so you know, we're in a kind of re I don't want to see a rebuilding because we never went anywhere, but just revamping some stuff, you know where.
What about social media? Can they follow you somewhere to.
Mad Us Inc. On Instagram, mad Us Inc. Mad u s A Inc. On Facebook, We're on Twitter, all of those you know, good things. You know, we post pretty much daily when we got stuff going on, and so I mean you can keep us with us that way. I get dms all the time from you know, people either going through it or want our services or anything that we offer. So you know, social media is probably
the best way to you know, contact us. You know, I got a number on there where people can directly contact me if they want to, and you know, get these services spread out as far as we can.
Yes, Kristin, y'all.
If y'all enjoyed this episode, y'all tune in every Thursday on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio or wherever the fuck you get your podcast. It's your girl, Tam Bam, y'all. Let me just say share this. The There is a domestic violence National hotline is one eight hundred seven nine nine seven two three three. Let me say that again. One eight hundred and seven nine nine seven two three three. Call if you need help, seriously, call somebody. Y'all go ahead kick it, AJ.
And call me because I will pull up.
Okay, all right, y'all hit me up on Instagram as AJ Holiday two point zero.
All right, and y'all remember.
To speak now and never hold your peace. And when I say that, I mean your gun.
Always hold your peace you mean. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows