Sweater Weather is Over and Sweaty Weather has Begun. Bombas Sox are key to feeling light on your feet this summer. Breezy dress socks will support your arches at your friends' weddings and compression socks will help prevent achiness on your flight to Europe. I actually have Bombas compression socks and they really make your legs feel like you're getting a hug all day. My favorite thing about Bombas, besides how comfy and cozy their socks are, is that for every item you buy,
Bombas donates a clothing item to someone who needs it. In fact, Bombas has donated over 100 million clothing items to date all thanks to your purchases. So thank you Bombas for helping us take care of ourselves and helping us take care of others. Also, one thing that Abby knows is key to me is that Bombas makes returns easy. I need returns to be easy. If you don't love your Bombas, they have 100% happiness guarantee that means hassle free returns and exchanges.
So, we're ready to get comfy and give back head over to Bombas.com slash hard things and use code hard things for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S.com slash hard things and use code hard things at checkout. You know, finding a great mentor can be tough, but imagine learning from the world's best, my dream mentor, Amy Polar. God, she's so funny. So, I was really excited when I heard that she has a class on master class.
With master class, you can learn from the best to become your best. It's the only streaming platform where you can grow and learn with over 200 of the world's top experts. For just $10 a month, an annual membership with master class gets you unlimited access to every instructor. Whether you're on the phone, computer, smartphone, or even listening in audio mode, master class fits right into your lifestyle.
For me, the most valuable takeaway was learning practical advice that I could immediately apply to my life and work. I use this and you should too. Plus, every new membership comes with a 30-day money-back guarantee, so there's no reason to wait. Right now, our listeners get an additional 15% off any annual membership at masterclass.com slash hard things. That's 15% off at masterclass.com slash hard things. Masterclass.com slash hard things. Welcome, Love Bugs, to We Can Do Hard Things.
What's a love bug? I don't know, but I just like that word so much. You know, I call the kids love bugs. I know. I call their friends love bugs. Why? I don't know. It's just a... I'm not judging you. I'm not judging you. I'm curious. They're little bugs of love. Gross. So, I want to explain why my hair looks great today. Oh. And that is because, hard squad, Abby and I went to an award ceremony last night. Mine too. I guess my hair also looks great. It does. You look great.
To accept the award from the graces, from all women and media, for We Can Do Hard Things, winning the best podcast. Hosts. Hosts. The three of us. They voted us the best. On the planet. It's pretty great. So, we never go to award ceremonies because, well, if you listen to the episode about the S-bees, you'll know why we don't. It's just a lot of action that I am unable to process. You did great. You did really great. I feel like I did do great. Do you want to tell the red carpet story?
I stayed in my body. Here's why we decided to go because I never, I don't understand it. It's like on a general level, every time I'm at something where people are giving awards to each other, I feel a little bit embarrassed because I feel like, why do we just give each other awards all the time? If it were a bunch of doctors and nurses or teachers, but the rest of it feels highly uncomfortable to me, I feel like that moment in the Bible where it's like, you have received your reward in full.
By all the attention you get, why do we need another separate award ceremony for us all to tell each other we're amazing? That's how I feel usually when I'm there. Uh-huh. But I have a lot to say about this, but go on. I got you, Joe. Go on. But this time we felt like, first of all, we really respect the graces in all women and media. Yeah. They do a really good job of really magnifying. I think it's alliance for women and media. Okay. That's even better. That's a bad ass word. I like it.
I don't know. They just seem to be paying attention to the right things. Additionally, and by the right things we mean us, exactly. No, I mean the opposite of that. I mean, they pay attention to a lot of people who are not us and I say, well done. Okay? But also felt excited to be included in that group of people who were not us. The whole thing felt good. Right. One woman stood up, Abigail Spencer, who I met last night. She's a actor on suits and some other things.
And she stood up to give an award and she said, you know how they say that if you're the smartest person in a room, you're in the wrong room. I just really feel certain I'm in the right room tonight. That's cute. Yeah. That's how it felt like Carol Burnett got a lifetime achievement award. And she was unbelievably beautiful and wonderful and gracious and smart. And Jane Fonda was there. And just like these sorts of Felicia Rashad and all the things. Nicole and Jones was there.
That was my moment of son. Tell me about the red carpet. Okay, so I did it. I did it. You did it. You did it. But we had a one little snag. Was it my face? Yeah. That's what you were telling me. Okay, sister. When someone's taking a picture, I can smile. I know how to do it. You're like, chair. I can do it like everybody else. You're like, chair, I'm not a friend. Yes. When it's a red carpet, when there's a bunch of cameras in my face, you guys, my face starts twitching. Like my lips quivering.
My eyeballs are shaking. These people must be like, should we get her medical attention? And that's what happened last night. I did have a face attack. But you know what I said? I said, Glennon, just keep twitching. This is part of your charm. That's what I said. Twitch on. Twitch on. Yeah. Twitch on warrior. Yeah. If anybody goes to look to find. Don't set pictures of the Gracia words that Glennon and I were in. Please send those to us.
No. Also, if you don't find any pictures, then we know why. Yes. Yeah. They will post pictures that have compromising facial expressions. So the second reason we went is because we felt like in that this moment, we wanted to honor Amanda and her just wild diagnosis and effort to figure it all out and the way she walks through it. And then we felt like we have 90 seconds. So we can use those 90 seconds to tell all the people that they need to find out if they have dense breasts.
But if they have dense breasts, they're much higher level risk of cancer and they probably won't find your cancer in a mammogram. So you need an MRI and an ultrasound. By the way, in preparation for that acceptance speech where I talked about boobs, I discovered that only 20% of states. 20 states. Only, oh, did I say 20% of states? No, you said 20. Oh, that's great. Okay. You just said 20% here. Okay. Last night, I was in bed. I was thinking 20% of states. So how many? Anyway, that's great.
Okay. You said 20 states. That's a little better. Is that a correct statistic though? I mean, who the fuck knows? I said it. Okay. I said 20 states. Manate that doctors even tell women they have dense breasts. Okay. Which is in San Matee. It's like everybody on earth is obsessed with boobs until they need to be saved for a woman. Like, oh, okay.
So we said to the people that they should find out if they have dense breasts, that they should insist upon further testing, not until their doctor says they should stop worrying, but until they actually stop worrying, until they stop, feels satisfied. That's good. And then we said that sometimes advocating for ourselves, figuring out our shit, pushing, pushing, pushing is hard because of our conditioning.
But what I have witnessed in this situation is that Amanda's self-advocacy and saving her own life was actually the greatest act of service that she's ever done for all of the people that she knows. Because the heroism in that is like, when you save yourself, you save your children's mother. You save your partners partner. You save your parents child. You save your sister's sister.
So you are not only saving yourself, but you're saving the most important person in other people's lives, which saves their life. Mm-hmm. Listen, I know how to be a selfish bear. And when I think about what my life would have been like for the rest of my life, if you would not save yourself, I feel immense gratitude for my own self. It's not just about the other person. So we just begged everyone in the room to please self-advocate. And it felt good. It was really beautiful.
It was really beautiful. My favorite award ceremony because we were able to use it for something that was... Important. It was really beautiful. Glennon cried real tears. No, I didn't. It was beautiful. Yeah, it was really beautiful. Got emotional. It was really spectacular. And it touched me very much. I cried when I listened to your speech was really, really lovely. You remember doing that. And also just... You condensed very a lot of information to a very short little window.
It was beautiful. Thank you. Really beautiful. Thank you. I will say that the happy news about the start that you shared, which is that what currently 39 states requires some kind of notification, but it's not necessarily about that person's... It's about dense breasts generally. So they could just like stamp a thing on it that's like, if you have dense breasts, this won't work, but we're not going to necessarily tell you if you do.
Some states do tell you if they have it, but there is a new FDA requirement that's going into effect this year that all mammography facilities have to comply with by September 24. And it will be that your breasts are either indicated as not dense or dense, or either indicated as not dense or dense. So that's really good. That's progress. That's good.
The problem is still in my conversation where I was talking about dense breasts, I referred to the disclosure, the density disclosure, being a quote unquote, horse shit, cover your ass situation. And I felt a little bit badly and a little bit not badly about that. The part that made me feel badly about is I know that a lot of really dedicated people worked really, really hard to get those disclosures on, which the insurance companies and nobody else wanted to even have those disclosures at all.
So I don't want to suggest that those weren't really valuable efforts and really awesome sacrifices to make. The part that I think is horseshit about it is that it doesn't say that what steps are necessary. It doesn't say it is essential that you go do X. It doesn't say therefore you should talk to your person about the risks. It just feels like the level of when you know if you have dense breasts that the mammogram will miss 50 to 60% of any cancers that are there.
That disclosure that is there does not it should say yes, it should. If you have dense breasts, which you do a mammogram will miss 50 to 60% of cancers. That's what it should say. Next steps are like it should just it doesn't give the appropriate alarm to what is a really an alarming situation. So that's what I meant about the horse shit, cover your ass. I have an idea for the world everyone will be shocked to know the medical world.
Yes. First of all insurance companies, wow, like their resistance to actually helping anybody stay well and not die by blocking every test. This isn't generalization, but true. And not just blocking test, but making it very, very difficult to get approved to get extra testing to get that paid for. To then be able to share information. The whole system is just won't so I have an idea. What if we made medical insurance companies?
My new rule is this the medical insurance companies have to be the exact same companies as life insurance companies. So that they are incentivized for us not to die. I need the medical insurance companies and the life insurance companies to be the exact same company. So when they are sitting down at a table. And instead of their incentive being let's push off as many people as we can. And if they die, no problem, they're not our problem. I want the deaths to be their financial problem.
That's a good idea, right? It's a very interesting idea about alignment of motivation and incentives. Yes, the whole world is about motivation and incentive. Yes. And so I don't think it's a bad idea. You'd also have to carve out there that in under no circumstances can the beneficiary of a life insurance policy be insurance company or medical provider. You know, I just avoid the perversion effect.
I'm more of the big idea person like somebody else can work out the details. But what I do think is I would love it if my medical insurance company had any incentive to keep me alive. That would feel better as opposed to the actually only incentive being to pay for as little as possible. That's just an idea world. It's an idea. Whoever's in charge. Let's kick it around for a while. Do you guys want to listen and hear from our pod squad? I do.
I love the pod squad and I would love to hear from them. But no one's going to have a better idea than glad it's so sorry everybody you can stop listening. Yeah. The world I didn't ask for my advice and I offered it anyway. So I have to already write that down on my moral inventory today. Quick math, the less your business spends on operations and multiple systems, the more margin you have and the more of your hard earned money you get to keep.
But with higher expenses than ever on things like materials and distribution, everything just costs more. That's why smart businesses are graduating to net suite by Oracle. Next week is the number one cloud financial system, bringing accounting financial management inventory HR into one platform and one source of truth. You'll reduce it costs. You'll cut the cost of maintaining multiple systems and you'll improve efficiency by bringing all your major business processes into one platform.
Sleshing manual tasks and errors over 37,000 companies have already made the move and expenses don't slow down. So why should you? By popular demand net suite has extended its one of a kind flexible financing program for a few more weeks. Head to net suite dot com slash hard things net suite dot com slash hard things that's net suite dot com slash hard things. How much do you think you're paying in subscriptions every month?
The answer is probably more than you think over 74% of people have subscriptions they've forgotten about. You know, there's like $5 and $10 charges that you don't know what they are. At the end of the year they add up to a lot. Rocket money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.
Rocket money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of 500 million dollars in canceled subscriptions saving members up to $740 a year. When you use all that features stop wasting money on things you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocket money dot com slash hard things that's rocket money dot com slash hard things. Rocket money dot com slash hard things.
Let's hear from Lauren. Hi, my name is Lauren. I am in my early 30 and it seems that everyone around me, all of my close friends, work colleagues, family members are all in relationship.
I know it's been more of a thing obviously a deeper whatever, but I was wondering if y'all could talk a bit about loneliness, not just in the sense of relationship loneliness, although that's the forefront here, but yeah, just feeling really lonely, even if you have people to go to even if you have friends, even if you have, you know, family members who love you, all of that stuff. Yeah, I feel like really lonely lately and trying to figure out how to get out of it, but we are struggling.
Yeah, we're lonely in here. What do you all think lonely means? Like I think it's when someone calls about a word and then you don't really know what they are experiencing that word to be. It's an interesting thing because there are people who are lonely because they have no one around. And then there are people who are lonely because they have a lot of people around, but they feel unseen and unconnected with with those people. So I wonder what kind of loneliness this is. I guess I'll start.
Okay, babe. Well, for me personally, being alone has been one of the things that I've avoided my whole life. And I think that recently over the last like, I don't know, year of therapy, I realized that I didn't have a good enough relationship with myself. And I felt alone, I felt very disconnected because so much of my life was about connecting with other people because I was uncomfortable with being by myself for being alone.
And honestly, ever since you started your healing journey, Glennan, we have in a really healthy way become less codependent on each other and do more things independently of each other. And that has been really interesting because I've been able to create and grow this new interesting relationship with myself. And so I totally understand what Lauren's saying.
I don't know that kind of loneliness felt like desperation to me that I just wanted to be around other people so that I could escape my own self because I didn't really have a quality relationship with myself. And I think now I'm starting to learn, I really feel like I have true love for my own self. And so because of that deep dive, I really like being with myself now in a different kind of way.
That doesn't mean I don't experience loneliness and as an extrovert primarily, I do get energy from being around other people. However, I do really enjoy now some solace in solitude. Wow, cool. What do you think about loneliness to see? I think that everyone is lonely. I mean, I think when I hear. Lauren say that I'm like, yeah.
You know, I don't really have an answer and it seems like what's weird about it and what sucks about it is that maybe it's true that people who are in relationships are not lonely. Maybe and a lot of them I'm sure less lonely than Lauren. And it's also very possible that a lot of them are more lonely than Lauren because at least Lauren can say I'm lonely because I'm not in a relationship. And those people are like, I'm in a relationship and I'm lonely. So I'm double fucked.
Yeah, you know, that makes sense. So I don't know. I think it does suck when everybody is partnered up. It seems like everybody's partnered up and you're not for me. That's a separate question. It's like what to do how to navigate life, how to find people to do things with when the majority of the people in your life are partnered up feels different to me than loneliness because I'm just not convinced that people
who either have a lot of people around or in relationship aren't also lonely. I think it's just that achy, achy, I'm all alone in here feeling and and that you can have it. And a lot of people do have it regardless of their circumstances. Yeah, agree. Yeah, we know that in the end, what seems to determine the quality of our lives is relationships. That seems to be what every study ever done keeps telling us. But really look again.
But what if we just like use a red light? What if we just like use this sauna? And they're like, no, it's relationships and we're like, but what if is there another Instagram account? I can fall like what? So that seems to be the case that the quality of our connections with other human beings determines the quality of our life. And on the other hand, we are just born with this untenable situation, which is that we are all alone inside of our own skin.
And that that is true from the time we are born to the time we die and that this ache of that. I just think I get a little woo-woo when I think about we can only long for something that we must have known in some sort of realm. You don't long for things that you have never. You wouldn't even know you wouldn't have like wait, this doesn't feel right. What does this separation of this intense lonely feeling, which is a longing to merge to sort of disintegrate to dissolve into something greater?
That we have this feeling that we have been taken from some like it's like we were in ocean. We were part of an ocean. And then when we got born, it was like somebody scooped up a cup of ocean and put it in our bodies. So we are both individual in this little shell of a cup, but we know we are ocean. We have this longing to merge with other containers of ocean.
And perhaps the longing for that is the after we die, like maybe there's some sort of returning maybe we become all ocean again and then our consciousness is dissolved into it again and that feels more like home than we ever did inside these little containers.
But if that is the case, if we are born to long to merge and that is what this ache of loneliness is, then it seems to me that the only thing we could do to make that worse is to assume that when we long, when we are lonely that something is wrong with us. That there's some way we could fix that that we that there's something that we've done wrong that keeps us from this other magical merging connection that everyone else seems to have in the movies on the Instagram and the whatever.
But what if longing to merge which we experience is loneliness is just the same as hunger or thirst, it's just like something we are born to long for because it points at something greater that we will eventually understand. And so when we touch that ache, we just say there it is. There it is, there's the longing it's not an indisha that you're doing it wrong it's like just a reality of being alive.
Yeah, it's just the hunger and I don't know that it ever goes away it's not like you're like well I'm hungry and I did it last week so I'm all set no I think the loneliness is there because it's the constant human drive to connect.
So maybe when I'm saying people can be really lonely and their relationships, maybe it's not in some of those situations even the fault of their relationship maybe it's like no we are meant to be constantly questing for connection so it's not an indictment on the people around you it's like you're requesting for that I also think it's a big fucking setup because if you're born meant to connect.
So in order to survive all the years of your life you're also adding all these coping things like avoidance dissociation figuring shit out on your own not being vulnerable to people all of the ways you've learned to cope are actually blocks to that connection so it's like here's the good news you've only got one job connect with everyone here's the bad news.
And the time your 12 are going to saddle you with 25 things that make it virtually impossible for you to connect with people go forth and prosper. It's terrible it's like the first half of life.
It reminds me of the credit card things that make me have a nervous breakdown every time I get to try to buy something where it's like you put the credit card in I know I always talk about this but it's important to me and it's like do not remove do not remove do not remove so I'm looking at I'm like okay I'm not removing what I'm doing is I'm not removing.
And then suddenly remove remove now remove now okay right so it's like the first half of life it's like protect yourself protect yourself protect yourself. Create all these defense mechanisms create all these survival techniques and then the second half of life is like remove remove remove and it's that idea of like your job is not to seek for love your job is to remove all the obstacles you've built block you from love.
And that's like second half of life work but what I don't know is if that works I don't know either if anybody is like oh I'm no longer lonely I doubt it. No I think we don't even think of it the way of like remove card remove card I think most of us think look I've got all these 25 things wrong with me and now I have a 26th thing wrong with me which is that I'm lonely we don't even associate that one is an ethical to the other it's like.
Top of everything else on top of everything I'm lonely but it's maybe we're lonely because we're standing on top of everything else and I think what makes us upset also is when we try to fix it so we do all the things that like all the wellness people tell us so we reach out we find a volunteer opportunity we go to a local roller skating ring like whatever.
Journal and journal and journal we're going to journal this shit out of this we're going to walk up to a stranger we're going to do all this shit and then it often doesn't make us feel better it's like okay you can feel hungry when I feel hungry I eat food usually doesn't go well.
Like either I eat way too much and feel like shit it's like I can try to satisfy that certain longing or craving but it's not like oh great now you did it and now it's better even when we try to meet our own longings they're longings longings do not quench they're called longings because they last were so long. Oh they're not quickings they're not easyings they're long.
I think it's great that Lauren here's the good news Hey Lauren great job on top of all that you realized that you're lonely and you can identify it. That's great and it's just moments it's moments of transcendence that's what you get first of all the only times I've ever cured my loneliness was when I was on drugs okay that is why people use drugs stop.
Stop shaming people okay drugs look they're not a long term solution did it like here your lonely bad news is they will kill you they will make you ultimately very lonely.
They actually cure you lonely. Okay here's what I felt momentarily momentarily I felt often depending on what drug it was I would often feel whatever is the opposite of loneliness I would feel a moment of connection with a greater consciousness I would feel all of my defense mechanisms melt down I would feel whatever it is I've been longing for since I was a baby.
Oh love everything I love and by the way that's fucking truth. So like it's a glimpse okay it's not going to don't do it it doesn't involve see all the rest of my podcast and stories but that's when people are desperate to transcend that's why so many artists are on drugs so many it's because the longing is strong the force is great in these ones and they try to find these transcendent moments the other time that I felt like I'm not going to do it.
That I felt like I fixed my loneliness was when I was first madly in love with Abby. Okay that's the moment you're like oh this is amazing. And I felt like I didn't exist anymore but that's also because I was on drugs yeah drug is yes what is it serotonin that floods your brain when you're in love oxy cotton or something.
It's oxytocin. Okay similar. Yeah very similar and dopamine adrenaline and stuff what I want to say to this and I think we can move on after I don't ever want to move on from this hot what I want to say though is I feel like I won't I feel like this conversation of what the drugs can do is it kind of wears away the protective mechanisms that you put on to be able to accept the kinds of drugs.
The kinds of connection you're talking about I know from my own experiences and it's like can we do that sober that's the thing that I long for is to experience that kind of dimensional shifting consciousness of love where you don't need to even speak to somebody but you know that they are all love and they know that you are all love.
And I feel like that's part of what I'm hearing Lauren talk about is like how do I do this life feeling the longing surrendering to that there is this longing in me I think that we all definitely experienced the longing of something I don't know different or connection or love or whatever.
And being able to create that without the use of like you know recreational drugs is I think the whole shebang yeah I think it might be the closest thing to a definitive answer to Lauren is like yes loneliness agreed.
Noticing this was a test you pass you indeed are lonely. Good job. Second, the conflation of relationships with loneliness I just wish we'd be done with that because the lack of relationship doesn't make loneliness and having a relationship doesn't eliminate loneliness so it's like a red herring. And so I think maybe it's like these are two separate questions and if you're searching for a relationship to fix your loneliness you're going to be very sad to find out that that isn't going to work.
Is it a block within us so that's what I wonder is it a block within us even when we're in relationship I was very, very hungry for 20 years but I had a pantry full of food and a refrigerator full of food there was no lack of access to quenching that desire and that longing to be full and satisfied but I had all of this shit that kept me from doing what was necessary to temporarily quenched that.
So I do wonder if there are people listening to this who are like oh they just have more work to do because I think there's probably people who feel yeah and I do think the quality of relationships matters. Yeah, like I don't think it's just that relationships don't help loneliness I think there's a certain quality of relationship that does.
I mean I have a couple friends now who I can tell I feel less lonely around like totally that's a thing totally right but if it's a human condition it's either part of the I totally hear what you're saying about if the pantry full of food and still hungry you can have an amazing I think there's no one sites at all you can have an amazing opportunity to have connection within a relationship and be blocking yourself from accessing it.
You can also have a tremendous capacity to connect and be with a person who is blocked from exchanging it and so in both cases you're lonely and you can be in a great relationship with a person who's open to it and you're open to it and you're doing the work and you've made each other less lonely in any of those three situations including a fourth which is you are not in a relationship and you have figured out a way to find deep connection in your life.
And with your universe and with yourself, etc. I don't think the relationship is making you lonely or eliminating loneliness from your life. I don't think that's the factor in any of those four scenarios. Don't you think part of the human condition is to be longing with relationship or not. I think it could probably make you less lonely but not.
No, you're not going to be fixed. It's not going to get solved. It's like the state of the human condition. It's like how our daughter walks around sometimes when she stress and something's coming. Like a huge test or something and she just will stand in the kitchen and go and I'll say what's wrong and she'll go, I am stuck in the time continuum. That is not a problem I'm ever going to fix for. She's right. It's whatever's next is coming for her no matter what she does. Right.
There are certain states that are part of ache and time passing and ache, the aching longing to merge to dissolve to disappear to be connected is just going to be there forever. That's right. The show is sponsored by Mitty Health. If you've listened to episodes 90 and 91 of this pod, you know how passionate I am about our right to have the information and care we need during Perry, Menopause and Menopause. It's a very long period of life and we deserve the highest quality of life possible.
To be asked to surrender to decades of hot flashes, mood fluctuations and Somniam brain fog as if it were inevitable. Menopause might be inevitable, but living with miserable symptoms is not. That's why I'm so thrilled to make sure you know about Mitty Health. All of Mitty Health services are covered by insurance and accessible through telehealth visits.
Their clinicians are menopause experts equipped to support you with safe effective FDA approved medications as well as supplements and preventive health guidance. You deserve to be heard and to be taken seriously. You deserve to feel great. Book your virtual visit today at joinmitty.com. That's join M-I-D-I dot com pod squad.
Some of what we share with you on the show are our individual unique experiences in therapy and the takeaways that help us grow, appreciate each other and navigate this beautiful life we're doing together. Thank you for doing it with us. But the things we talk about in therapy itself, these are things we wouldn't necessarily share with just anyone.
I think there are a few things more important than finding the right person to share your deepest thoughts, feelings and questions with, like a therapist. That's why we are thrilled about all of us support of our show. There are big believers that you need the right someone to talk to, not just anyone. Alma helps you to find a therapist who gets you based on your needs, someone with whom you feel comfortable, heard, secure.
Plus, and this shouldn't be overlooked. Over 96% of therapists at Alma accept insurance because you want to pick someone based on the right fit, not just based on finances. You can browse their directory now. You don't even need to create an account. Visit helloalma.com slash hard things to schedule a free consultation today. That's hello alma.com slash hard things. Hungry root is the easiest way to eat healthy. This and you fresh high quality groceries and simple recipes.
It's like your personal assistant for healthy living. We built our first personalized cart after taking the fun little intro quiz and soon my fridge will be filled with dairy free snacks and drinks for John and the kids prepared heat meat meals for the whole family and other high quality groceries they're shipping over.
Each order is fully customizable so you can take their suggestions or choose anything you want. They got fresh produce, high quality meat and seafood, healthy snacks, smoothies, sweets, reddit meals, really all that you're looking for. Right now, hungry root is offering we can do hard things listeners 40% off your first delivery and free veggies for life.
Free veggies for life. Just go to hungry root.com slash hard things to get 40% off your first delivery and get your free veggies. That's hungry root.com slash hard things. Don't forget to use that link so they know we sent you. Let's move on to Natasha. This is Natasha again from Georgia and I just thought of another thing that I really have burning in my brain and that is about women supporting women.
I want to be a feminist. I want to be a feminist. I want to be someone who loves women and supports them and all that they do. I'm raising a woman myself and I am a woman. But then I was raised feeling less than being made to feel less than. I remember one time when I was probably 11 or 12 looking in the mirror and asking my mom. Am I pretty and she wanted me to be conceited so she says no you are not and that's up with me and it was one of the many traumas.
Since then I find that I treat women the same way when they are getting too much praise and I'm like oh no this is too much praise. We have this group chat from work and we have these women who are doing unbelievable things and when I see too many people going oh you go girl you're best you're so awesome.
I'm like oh my gosh it's going to get a big head. It's awful and I know that's awful and I agree with them that she's wonderful that they're all wonderful and I want that praise to continue but I fight it internally and it makes me feel thick. Can you relate? Is there anyone we can talk about that? Thanks guys. Okay I'm going to leave you alone now until the next time. Love you. I love her. I know I love Natasha very very honest. What do you think?
What do you think of when you hear that? I feel like there's so many levels to this I just feel like. I want to hug her neck at 11 or 12 asking if she's pretty and her mom saying no you're not in order to keep her like not from having a big head I just I feel like there's so many levels to that I mean I. What is that idea that if we keep if we tell people they're not good then that's better for them.
Yeah because we want to knock them down before the world does so it hurts less when the world knocks them down. So like being knocked down by your mom is going to you'll be like well message received now I'm good now when the world tells me that I won't feel bad as opposed to like if your mom lifted you up then the rest of the world knocking you down later you'd be like.
You're wrong yeah I think it's in the light most favorable to moms and parents it was a part of her that was trying to love her daughter. And she told herself love is protection and I know the world out there and I know how the world reacts to a confident woman which she is not wrong yeah and so I will keep her safe by not allowing her to be too confident.
And we do that in a million different ways to our children and I remember struggling with some of that when the kids were little and telling myself over and over again even if the whatever the world's going to do the world's going to do the world might try to tell my kid they're not good enough all I can control is that it sure is hell's not going to come from me because I do think that I remember as an elementary school teacher.
Watching kids get mistreated in class and watching the world mistreat the kids that I had in a million different ways and really being able to observe in kids that it did not matter as much to the kids whose families. Thought they were the shit if your parents are telling you constantly with their being not even necessarily with words but like with their being in the way they are with you that you are okay and you are wonderful you will not believe the world when the world tells you you're not.
But if your parents have loved you by preparing you and also telling you you're not good enough then you will believe the world because it's just confirming what you've been told by your parents which is a I don't know how you overcome hearing it in your house and hearing it outside I think the kids have a fighting chance whose families gave them a different message even if they were afraid.
That the world would surprise them by telling them the opposite it's a touch tree yeah kids are okay even if you don't believe it for a year or three years or four years you can come back to it and then the second part of this question is that idea which I always thought was for shit but like it's similar to the idea of like put on your oxygen mask because you can help other people but it's different than that because it's like of course when she was never allowed to access the part in the world.
The part in her to be praised and of course when she would never allowed herself to experience over the top praise she is necessarily going to bristle and feel deeply uncomfortable and not allow other people to receive over the top praise.
This is a true thing this is why when my husband isn't making himself crazy running around the house working as I saw I go to a crazy place in my head not because I don't want that for him not because he doesn't deserve it not because he's not but because I won't let myself stop doing that. You can't allow someone else to experience something even if you intellectually know it's correct and right and good unless you are actually for real allowing yourself to do it that's right that's 100% right.
So every time we're uncomfortable with somebody else getting something good we think we're trying to decide whether it's right for us to want that for that other person.
But what we're actually feeling is a signal that we want that thing right or that we're either not even allowing ourselves to have it I think the wanting it is even a separate hurdle I think even just knowing because you such baby steps with the shit right it's like I feel deeply uncomfortable with that situation happening or I'm angry about that person getting that thing or I'm jealous or I needed to stop I need to control this.
Oh wait in what ways am I stopping myself controlling myself not allowing myself to access that thing yes it's a hard thing to manage and explore and navigate within yourself because I think that we can absolutely point back to this moment of your mama telling you what she told you at 11 or 12.
I also think that the world over is telling all of us young girls that we need to be quiet we need to be humble and then as this world has evolved people around you young women around you are going to start achieving things whether that makes you feel that paying of jealousy or what not I think it's really interesting to me how we celebrate other people around us or if we don't.
Right and in my experience having been you know this whole idea of good bad celebrating praise whatever like we can talk about the ego another day but I do think it's really important that when somebody around us does something wonderful that we are able to experience internally the moment of jealousy that we wish we were getting that praise yes and don't deny it and don't deny that it's a human instinct.
Give yourself the grace and the space to be able to experience that jealousy and also know that you can still show up for those people and praise them or you know appreciate their work or congratulate them on their success and I think that if we can get into rhythm and a custom to doing that that is a way to actually free yourself up to do it if you can't know how to do it for yourself.
Learn how to do it for other people first. Yeah it's like when you tell me when I say I'm scared I'm nervous before we do something and you always say okay or you could be excited like same physiological you know response response just a switch in words sometimes I mean honestly that one's never helped me but I do understand that it's helped other people okay I'm just saying honestly that's never helped me I'm like okay right I'm excited whatever but one that does help me is not like I'm not going to do it.
I'm not going to do anything is I've experienced jealousy all the time like same things I don't want to do I'm still jealous other people do them things I don't want to go to I'm still jealous of other people gotten fight into it. Things I don't want it's just it's ridiculous but see loneliness. But I did discover this thing a while back that sometimes I can't change my thinking until I change a behavior over and over again and then that behavior eventually changes my thinking.
For example, what I figured out is if every time I feel jealous of somebody who got something that I want or whatever, I didn't even know that I want, I don't know. If I feel that pain and then I do something to reach out to that person to say, wow, awesome job. So impressive. Or if I don't have access to that person, if I share the awesome thing that they just did on social media or just with somebody else, this thing is awesome
that this person did. It shifts the thing. It shifts the pain. I suddenly feel powerful instead of unpowerful. And so it makes me wonder if jealousy can be reframed as admiration. If it's just like an admiration holding its breath is jealousy. So I do think that you can kind of transform it if you take your power back and use your agency to say, I like that thing. I like that thing that you did. I also think that some of this is generational.
Like my guess would be, I don't know if this is true, but listening to this question, my guess would be that Natasha is like a Gen X or a millennial and that these women that are lifting each other up and telling each other they're awesome are Gen Z or millennials, right? That's would be my guess because I, example, hotsquad, you know me as a person who celebrates feelings, right? Everyone have all their feelings. Let's feel it all feelings
as information. Yada, yada, yada. Okay. I often hear myself saying about younger women who do what I have told them to do, which is bring their full selves to things, express their feelings. I found myself saying recently, Oh, I know to whom you should express your feelings, your therapist or your mother, not to me. Now, I didn't say these things to them, but I felt these things. And when people share the feelings with me in professional
settings, I often think, stop. You don't get to do that. I am a person who was raised in a way where I experienced it as not being allowed to have a lot of feelings. Okay. So there is this like hazing. It's like hazing. Yes. We, even if in my professional life, I am fighting for you to have that thing. That's what I do. I want you to have that thing. I want women to have all of it. I want them to have this thing. When they bring that
thing to me, I'm like, who the hell do you think you are? I walked six miles up the hill. No one ever let me have feelings. No one ever, whatever. So there is like a passing on the suffering. Yeah, we're just deeply pissed that we didn't get the access and the opportunity that the younger generation gets. And that's okay. And we can give ourselves that and we can say, it's okay for me to feel this. And also I can say, yay, also. Yeah.
Yeah. I can say yay to that and not fully feel it. It's a really good point because I think what I hear Natasha doing is questioning herself, berating herself, insulting herself about this. Like I say I'm a feminist. Am I even a feminist? I fight it internally. She says it makes me feel sick that I behave this way. I know, bless her. That is more self flame. And what I really think is if we're going back to her really little baby self,
she's already made this connection of, she said one of many traumas. So I'm sure it wasn't just the pretty thing. It was probably whenever she got a little too big for her skin and made her mom uncomfortable that all of these attachment things of like, am I real? Am I safe? Am I seen? She was not able to be seen by her mother, seen and celebrated for what she
was. And now she sees all of these women be seen and celebrated. And I think it would be really interesting if when we get into that conflict, when we feel that discomfort of like I'm feeling discomfort that this person is being celebrated, I'm feeling anger, I'm feeling jealous. What if it were to be like, oh, I am feeling this way because I wasn't
allowed to have that and still do not allow myself to have that. Instead of beating myself up for feeling this way, take a moment to be sad, to grieve, to be like, I deserved that whole time to be seen and celebrated. I deserved from the time I was 11. Up until now, including now, like it is right for me to feel sad about that. Yeah. And let go of the continuing to be like, I should not. No, of course you should. You should feel deeply uncomfortable
and that happens because it didn't happen for you. Yes. It's like an opportunity. That's what I really do feel like these things that we say, why do I do this thing? This thing that I'm doing makes me sick. That is the beautiful gift of walking through. This must be something that I get to heal to be freer. It actually doesn't ever have to do with what
anyone else is getting. It always has to do what you didn't get and what you need. And so there actually is every ickiness in my experience, every ickiness turns into a signal that that's a tender place that needs to be attended to for me. But it feels like the theme of both of these questions. Lauren Natasha, I'm lonely. I'm jealous. I'm lonely. I'm angry. I'm lonely. I'm longing. Our response is yes. Corra. There is nothing wrong
with you. Unless it's also very wrong with us three. Okay, we should. But remember like the theme of this podcast, we say over and over again, like the thing that drives us nuts is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be. What if it's supposed to be longing? What if it's supposed to be these uncomfortable places that lead us to our healing? What if all of these things are exactly right? I agree. You do? I do. Okay, we're going to go now. Bye. See you next time.
If this podcast means something to you, it would mean so much to us. If you'd be willing to take 30 seconds to do these three things first, can you please follow or subscribe to We Can Do Hard Things? Following the pod helps you because you'll never miss an episode
and it helps us because you'll never miss an episode. To do this, just go to the We Can Do Hard Things show page on Apple podcasts, Spotify, Odyssey or wherever you listen to podcasts, and then just tap the plus sign in the upper right hand corner or click on follow. This is the most important thing for the pod. While you're there, if you'd be willing to give us a five star rating and review and share an episode you loved with a friend,
we would be so grateful. We appreciate you very much. We Can Do Hard Things is created and hosted by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wombach and Amanda Doyle in partnership with Odyssey. Our executive producer is Jenna Wise-Berman and this show is produced by Lauren LaGrasso, Dallas and Shot, Deena Kleiner and Bill Schultz.