Hey, beautiful people. Welcome back to Unlearn with Bianca. If you're tuning in for the first time, then welcome on this podcast, we explore everything, self healing, health, personal growth, the mind, body connection, relationships, and more. I aim to empower you, to inspire you, to educate you, to challenge you, so that you can deepen the connection that you have with yourself. So today we're getting straight into it and we are talking boundaries.
And this episode was inspired after I recently ran a workshop on boundaries. And there were some really good talking points that come up and I thought, why not make this a podcast for everyone? So I know the word boundaries can get thrown around a lot, but the importance of boundaries is huge. So in today's episode, I really want to break down boundaries a little bit more and share some wisdom on this topic. I want to start by acknowledging that boundaries is a big topic.
So there are different types of boundaries. So we've got physical boundaries, you know, sitting boundaries with people around your, physical or personal space, we've got sexual boundaries, an example of that would be consent, we've got boundaries with time, we've got digital boundaries with social media, there are different types of boundaries, but today we're really focusing in on psychological boundaries.
Those are the boundaries that we have with ourself and are the ones that flow into the way that we show up around other people. So why are boundaries so important? Clear boundaries are very much linked to our internal self worth. And for me personally, learning about Boundaries, how to identify them, how to sit them. It's not really something that I had learned growing up. It's not really something that I had practiced until sort of the last five to ten years.
And I think it's really important that we have these conversations. So I want to start with this really powerful quote that I found by someone called Terry Real. And the quote says, When you are boundary less, you are connected, but not protected. When you're behind a wall, you're protected but not connected. Neither condition is intimate. I love this quote because it really draws home that healthy and clear boundaries are ones that honor both ourselves and the other person.
I think sometimes when people think about boundaries, they're thinking, yep, a boundary is when I cut someone off. Or remove a toxic family member or I'm doing something to protect my peace. It feels quite black and white. And yes, sometimes this is true but I've really come to learn that good boundaries are supple. They're really flexible and they change depending on where our capacity is at a certain point in life.
So we want to be somewhere where we feel connected to ourself and other people, yet also protected from other people's stuff. And the more I've learned to strengthen my own boundaries, the more I have respect for other people that do the same. So my first real understanding of how important boundaries are was when I started healing chronic illness. aNd since then I've seen so many other instances, especially working with my clients, that if we lack boundaries it can hugely impact our health.
Because when we are people pleasing, which is when we sacrifice our own needs for others, we end up draining our own energy and we begin to live in this consistent stress response process. And just a little neuroscience fact for you, when we learn to see clear boundaries, we can actually reduce the activity in our amygdala, which is really important when we're moving from a fight or flight sympathetic state into a more regulated nervous system state. So boundaries are key boundaries and disease.
That's a whole other conversation in itself. but if you are interested in this, go onto YouTube and look up Dr. Gabor Mate. He's got a YouTube video on there called The Shocking Link Between Kindness and Illness, where he really goes into the correlation between people pleasing and autoimmune disease. And it's very interesting. Okay. So back on track today, we're really going to talk about boundaries more generally, identify types of boundaries.
There'll be a few points for self reflection, and then I'm just going to share some tips that have really helped me feel more comfortable sitting boundaries. Again, in this episode, I want you to take what you need. Even if you just focus on one takeaway point and work on that consistently, that is more than enough to start making changes. So when we're looking at psychological boundaries, we can really break it down into two categories. So we've got external boundaries and internal boundaries.
So an external boundary is your capacity for constraint. So if we have good external boundaries, it means that we're not leaking issues onto everyone else so an example of having weak external boundaries. might be when you are persistently complaining, but not realizing it might be oversharing or trauma dumping to strangers. Um, it might be strongly enforcing your opinion onto others in like an aggressive way to me. It kind of, it feels like a pot that's just overflowing.
So there's sort of no containment things are just going everywhere. And the other type of boundary and the one that we're going to talk on more today. As an internal boundary internal boundaries are really important because they protect our energy, our emotions, our dignity, and they also help protect us from other people's emotional leakages, or other people's stuff.
So, if someone has strong internal boundaries, they are quite confident at speaking their needs without guilt, they have a strong sense of identity, they value themselves as much as they value other people. they prioritize their time and their energy wisely and they tend to check in with their capacity at that time before giving. They also understand that other people's emotions are not theirs to fix or carry alone.
On On the other hand, when internal boundaries are more weak, it may be that you are absorbing too much from other people. So an example, maybe when you find it really hard to say no and find yourself over committing, but not really wanting to, to go, uh, someone with weak internal boundaries finds it difficult to vocalize or prioritize their own needs. Or when they do, they feel guilty for doing it. Um, and sometimes it leads to getting consistently triggered.
Because people with weaker internal boundaries tend to avoid the discomfort of confrontation. And in that case, they're not really saying what's truly on their mind and that can lead to passive aggressiveness and reactivity. And finally, one more sign of weak internal boundaries, one that I have really worked on and I can relate to, is when you are taking on others stuff as your own.
And this might be without even realising, over empathising and therefore feeling that responsibility for causing or fixing other people's emotions. With weak internal boundaries, you end up living with this constant level of exhaustion or resentment because it feels like others needs are really taking priority before yourself. And it can also, come through our language. So using language like I should do this, or I should help them, um, or I must do this, I have to do this.
These are some of the cues that I have noticed that tend to kind of be associated more with that people pleasing, an over cushioning, like over cushioning the way that you communicate. adding extra words over justifying using extra words to make it feel a bit nicer they are some more examples so as you can tell, weak internal boundaries really leads to a lot of people pleasing behaviours.
And I actually heard something recently that I really reflected on, I can't remember where I heard it, but it was that people pleasing is actually a form of manipulation. manipulation because you are doing something and you're expecting something unconsciously back like love or approval or validation but you're not doing that from a place of kindness or overflow you're doing it to expect something back.
And I'm sure I can't be the only one that's had this experience where I have had weak internal boundaries. I have people pleased or I've over committed or I've gone with the flow as a way to avoid hurting someone or letting someone down. But inadvertently it has actually ended up having a more negative consequence for both parties because what I've learned is when we really truly go against our feelings, our true feelings to keep the peace or to make others happy.
Energy doesn't lie and this never ends well. so before I share some reflection points, I just want to acknowledge that if you are someone listening who is not used to having strong boundaries and you really want to work on this, those internal boundaries, setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable. And There has to be this acknowledgement that people around you may not like it. And that is just the nature of change.
And it also takes this level of sitting with the fact that if we show up differently with our boundaries, with our internal boundaries, Then we may not feel that same level of validation that we currently may get from being someone that always says yes, or being seen as a giving person. So when we set boundaries, you really risk being seen differently. And we have to be okay with that. So the first step to any change is gaining that awareness and just starting to be curious.
If you're wanting to work on strengthening your internal boundaries, I recommend really taking some time to consider these points that I'm about to share so that you can gain some more clarity and understanding about where you're currently at. And I personally love writing things down. So I would recommend getting a journal and kind of reflecting, sitting with these points. Otherwise feel free to just stop this podcast as I go through each point and just have a bit of time to reflect.
Okay, the first point to consider is to think about areas in your life or people that need some boundary attention. So getting a bit more specific. So you might want to ask yourself, what do I look forward to in each day? Or what gives me energy throughout my day? Or what kind of people give me energy? And what is draining or exhausting me?
And you may realize, as you really take time to think about this, that you feel safe, supported, and valued within some friendships or relationships and not others. We're really looking for common threads or themes. You might find that you have really strong boundaries with your parents, but not with your work colleagues when they ask something from you last minute. I always like to remind myself that we can't expect others to change, but we can change the way that we respond and we react.
So the more that we can break it down into specific people or specific contexts that we need to focus and do some extra work on our boundaries, the more that we are likely to do it, it doesn't feel so overwhelming., So the second point to consider, if you feel like you currently have weak boundaries, take some time to investigate where this may have come from or where this may have started.
And I don't expect you to dig in and excavate your whole past, but it's just starting to, to think about it a bit more. So did you learn weak boundaries from watching a parent? Was somebody like your mother or father particularly hard to please? Maybe you were actually rewarded for good behavior. So you continued that. There may have even been a cultural context.
So sometimes when we look a bit deeper it can really help connect the dots and what can happen is we realize that it was never our behavior or habit or belief to begin with. We just picked it up somewhere along the way. So for example, someone may have witnessed growing up That it's really important to be there for other people first. And they now believe at a deep level that they are not a good person if they're not giving to others first.
A different example may have been, um, you know, if things were unstable at home growing up, someone may have been used to predicting and responding to everyone else's needs through people pleasing as a really important way to stay safe. So as we investigate a little bit deeper, it can just help us identify some of those unconscious beliefs that we can bring to our awareness, and then we can really check in with the story. that is attached to those beliefs.
So number three, the third point to reflect on what are your physical signs in your body that come up when you are lacking boundaries. This one is huge. So generally speaking, like I said earlier, we might feel when our boundaries are lower. This general fatigue, feelings of resentment and guilt, but often at the time our boundary is crossed, our body will be giving us these cues and these messages, but we're so used to this habit that we actually miss the cues.
So for example, It may be a wave of fatigue that comes over you when you are around certain people that are energy draining, but you're saying yes to hanging out with them. Um, it may be a lump in the throat when you don't speak your true feelings or you're not speaking up. Um, it may be a drop in your stomach when you're just going with the flow, but you know deep down you don't want to be doing something, uh, a rush of anxiety when you say yes to something, but you really may know.
Or you may even feel that tension and that weight of responsibility in your shoulders when you take on other people's emotions or over empathize. For me, I definitely resonate with the shoulders. It's something I've really noticed in myself when I am lacking in boundaries or when my boundaries become weaker, I tend to hold in my shoulders. So remember that the body always speaks.
So it's really just about getting curious at these cues and just seeing them as potential messages that can start to help us unlock and discover where our boundaries might be getting crossed and where we might be leaking energy. And the fourth thing to reflect on is to really take some time to investigate what is absolutely essential in your life. What are your current priorities at this point in your life?
So what is essential for you to achieve in any given day, any given week, any given month? I've really started to wake up each morning and define what is a priority for that day or what is essential for that day. It might be a task, it might just be a feeling that I want to get for that day ahead and that really keeps me focused.
So when we take a bit of space and we take time to figure out what is truly meaningful at any certain time in our life, it becomes harder to say Yes, to certain things that are out of alignment or that feel slightly off because I think it kind of brings front of mind and it reminds us that when we say yes, we are always saying no to something else. So there are four really helpful points that I would reflect on first before you take more steps to strengthen your boundaries.
When we are actively working on strengthening our internal boundaries, I think one of the most important things to do is to shift the focus outwards from other people and everyone else back into an inwards focus, putting the spotlight back on yourself and really starting to tune into your own feelings. The sensations that come up in your body, what your capacity is at this point in your life, and that really helps us identify what we can change.
And remember, like anything we do, building new habits, new neural pathways, it takes practice and it takes consistency. And if implementing strong and clear boundaries has been something that you've found difficult, I really want you to shift your perspective and think about how Unconsciously. Somewhere along the way you have just become really good at a habit. Maybe people pleasing, for example, that served a good purpose of maintaining a connection which is ultimately important for survival.
So a lack of boundaries or people pleasing, this is a habit and your pathway that's just become unconscious. It's not who you are. It's not something that you are born with. It's something that, through neuroplasticity, we can really work on and we can really shift if we are committed. Okay, so we've covered a few reflection points and now I just want to share a few things that really help with the implementation of boundaries. Things to consider on the spot when you are setting boundaries.
So the first thing is practicing a slow yes and a fast no. I love this one because it's such a simple sentence to keep in the back of your mind because so often we go for a fast yes and a slow no. So we kind of do the opposite and then we go into regret because we overcommit. It's something, it's a pattern that I've really been working on, that over committing. And um, I think when we take time to practice a slow yes, it really gives time to feel into how that request lands in your body.
So you can really tune in with our quickly giving a response. So if someone asked something of you, rather than jumping in, remember that slow, yes, and that fast, no, and just take that time, open up that space to see how that feels first. It could even just be acknowledging the offer and then changing the conversation to give yourself some extra space before you say yes or no. So for example, you could say something like, Just let me think about it and I'll get back to you.
Or, Thank you so much for the invitation, but I have this planned. However, I would be keen to catch up on this date. So it's always coming back to that reality that saying yes to one thing means saying no to something else. Tip number two. The next tip is holding strong and learning to be with the uncomfortability of setting boundaries. I think a huge part of practicing new habits is being really self compassionate.
So when we can accept that if we are looking to, to set new boundaries, it can be uncomfortable for both ourselves. It can be uncomfortable for the person who we are setting the boundary with. The more that we can accept that, the more we can give ourself grace. So it's knowing that. Sometimes those feelings of guilt will pop up if we are in the initial stages of setting boundaries. Sometimes we might want to jump in and fill the silence or send that additional text message.
That is all a normal part of the the habit forming process. Even if those uncomfortable urges or uncomfortable feelings do come up, I really encourage you to stand strong and remember that this is a long game. So it's kind of like, you know, if you're that friend that's always been asked out for a drink and you've constantly said yes, yes, yes, and then suddenly say no. The friend that's asking you is going to keep pestering you until you keep holding strong.
And then finally, that friend will understand that you are not the person to ask anymore, but it might take some time. So we have to learn to sit with that uncomfortability and just hold strong until the other person knows our new boundaries. And the third tip is just really practicing being respectful and calm, and practicing embodying the posture. of confidence before you communicate.
Like I said before, I think a lot of us fall into that habit of over justifying, over apologizing, over analyzing, over explaining And if we can get ourself into this calm state and really practice speaking in a calm and respectful way, we will find that we won't fall into that as easily. ,The other thing that we do that can be counterintuitive is that we are trying to assert a strong boundary, but the way that we are holding our body and the posture that we are embodying is really weak.
So we're trying to get a strong point across, but we're holding our body in a way that's not communicating that and the neurology is not firing up for confidence and assertive boundaries. So not only do we want to stay respectful and calm when we speak and communicate, but we also want to practice getting our body into a really confident state, a really confident posture. By pulling our shoulders back, head held up high, deep breath in, and then communicating from that place.
So I've just got some examples here that you may like to take of ways that we can really get a point across where we can set a boundary and we are calm and respectful. So you could say, I love you, but I can't do that right now. I appreciate what you're saying, but this is where I'm seeing it from, or this is where I'm at currently. I respect you have this need, but I can't meet that for you at this moment.
Um, or simply, I understand where you're coming from, but I'm not available to this right now. Um, another one, I appreciate your concern. But I don't want to go into that right now. So these are very loving, yet strong ways to communicate. You could also practice being calm, but offering an alternative. So, for example, I won't be available then, but I will be available at this time. Or, I can't help you right now, but I do know somebody that can.
So there are some tips that have really helped me. And just remember practice boundaries are a balancing act. And as I mentioned at the start, if you are feeling constantly exhausted or resentful, it might just be that sign to take a deeper look at your internal boundaries. And if you are actively working on boundary setting, be honest with those around you. Be honest with your loved ones so that they can help you be accountable too.
And they can really pinpoint and point out when they see you engaging in old behavior that's no longer useful. And finally guys, if you need some extra motivation, some extra encouragement, to keep working on those strong internal boundaries, I can assure you that the more you practice having strong boundaries, the more that your life will change for the better. When you respect yourself as much as you respect others, you work on really clear communication.
You start to foster the sense of self worth and naturally, certain people drop out of your life and other people come into your life. It's a really beautiful thing to witness when you are going through growth. So Just a bit of extra encouragement. I've seen it in my own life. I've seen it in other people's lives. We can't underestimate how important our internal boundaries are. So that is us for today. I hope you guys took something out of this episode.
I would love to hear what it was, what you resonated with, what you found useful. I do love the feedback, so please message me on Instagram, neuro. spark or email. You can find that in my show notes. In terms of working with me, I currently have Full books for most of January. I'm opening up one more lightning process training online at the end of January. So, um, yeah, get in touch if you're interested in that. And I've got some really cool interviews coming up next week.
So make sure you're following along or subscribing. Until then, I hope you have a beautiful Christmas, enjoy the rest of the week and I'll see you guys in the next episode.