Un Badding On bedding. We're unbedding, baby. We're on a journey, baby. We're unbedding, baby.
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of I'm batting. I'm Jessica Presley.
And I am Dana Perrault.
She's with us, and she is a songbird. It seems like you're doing great today, Dana.
You know what? I actually we are recording at a time we don't really record.
Yeah. And I have
so much energy, apparently.
I know. You know, it's funny that you say that because I was sitting here thinking, I wonder if this is a better recording time because I feel alive.
It might be. Alright.
Well, I'm glad we tried it. So far, so good. So, did you do anything exciting for Super Bowl?
I made a buffalo chicken dip. That is exciting. It was delicious. And the like, I was really giving myself some props for it too, because anytime I make something that isn't dinty more, Fred.
That was your nickname growing up.
I, like, give myself props for it.
I kinda threw you under the bus to my kids the other day.
Oh.
Yeah. We were talking about, like, making food and things like that. And it was in, like, a not terrible way at all. And I was they were saying, like, you know, how I learned to cook and stuff like that. And I was, like, I used to cook a lot with my mom. I said, but aunt Dana did not, and she had to learn how to cook after she got married.
I was in my thirties, well into it, didn't even try that hard when the boys were little. I was like, I boiled your noodles, and I dumped a can of sauce on it. You're welcome. I did they were fed. Yeah. That's what mattered. But, yeah, that was I made buffalo chicken dip. Joe made some hamburgers and stuff like that. The teenager invited some friends over, and we watched Travis Kelce have a meltdown.
Oh, he had a meltdown?
Oh, my so I I actually posted this on Twitter, and I got so much heat from the men folk,
like, they
lost their minds.
They weren't they weren't happy with you.
No. Because this is the second time that Travis Kelce has had a fucking public meltdown.
Tell me what that looks like. I don't understand.
So okay. Let me tell
you I clearly did not watch the Super Bowl.
Clearly did not, or you would know exact there's memes all over the place,
and I clearly don't go online.
So, 3 weeks ago, when they were playing the Ravens Uh-huh. There was, like, a situation with the Ravens kicker or punter or something like that who didn't move out of the way far enough for Patrick Mahomes to, you know, do his practicing, you know, throw in a sports ball.
Was was this during a game? This was pregame.
They were all practicing. And Travis Kelce got a little alpha and, like, picked up this he, like, screamed at him and then picked up his helmet and fucking threw it. Not a great look.
Like a adult temper tantrum. Very much so.
He is a full grown toddler. And so during the Super Bowl, in the beginning, the Chiefs weren't doing great.
Right. I saw that they were down quite a bit.
They were. And, Travis Kelcey, like, went over to his coach and was screaming in his face and, like, knocked into him whenever he was
screaming at him.
Like chest
bump kind of thing?
Kind of. It was like I don't know that he he didn't, like, chest bump him, but he was, like, in his face screaming, and, like, in his face enough that he kind of lost his balance and, like, wobbled back a little bit.
Oh.
And his face was red, and he's screaming. And so I had gone on to Twitter yesterday, or maybe it was today, I don't know. No, it was yesterday. And I had said, does anybody else think that Travis Kelce's temper tantrums over the last few weeks are big fucking Kansas City red flags.
Yes. I mean, as you're telling me this story, I'm, like, already, I'm thinking in my head, like, Taylor, what is it like when they get in an argument? Have they been in an argument this heated yet? Like, how is he going to resolve conflict within the relationship?
Thank you. I am also thinking of Taylor. And so I also wanted to make the point that if Taylor Swift was up on stage and her lighting guy or her vocal coach that she doesn't have because it's fucking Taylor Swift. But, anyways, any other person up there made a bad call, and she screamed in their face like that.
Oh, my gosh. The heat that she would catch being a woman doing the exact same thing. I mean, doesn't she have a song about this? She does. Song called The Man?
Oh, yes. She does.
And it's all about, like, how the the differences between, like, how a woman is judged and how a man is judged.
She would be
funny Canceled.
Tarred and feathered.
Mhmm. Mhmm.
She
would be labeled insane, a maniac Crazy bitch. Crazy bitch. But the men folk on Twitter, I like calling them men folk because it makes them seem some teeny tiny little babies, lost their minds, and their excuse for him was, it's a football game. He's just passionate.
You know what? I knew the word passionate was gonna birth from that Yes. Because that's what you call it whenever, you don't wanna call it the real name. Yeah. Right. And I get that, like, football is a sport that requires I don't even wanna say aggression because I don't think that you need to be aggressive to play football.
I don't think you need to be red faced when you're saying that you're upset about a play call. Right. Right. But that's kind of
like gosh. Football people are gonna hate me, this is all a sport all around toxic masculinity. It's, like, aggressive, it's in your face. It's angry. It's people getting so upset over a game. It's like yeah. It just breeds all of those things that I hate about football.
Yeah. And, you know, the the was a couple of people in my, replies on the post that I had made on Twitter that were, like, it's whatever. They were, like, saying mean things to me, and then the one guy told me, like, move along or something like that. And I went I checked his profile. He follows me on Twitter. And I'm, like, hey, guy. You know, you don't have to comment or follow me. Move along. Did you
say that back on his post? Yeah.
Yeah. I
did. Yeah. Yeah. Move along. If you don't like my calling out of bad behavior, somebody else was like, You need to stop. He was just upset about blah, blah, blah. He was in the Super Bowl. You need to understand. And I was like, No, no, no, no, no. I will never not call out that as bad behavior. You are making an excuse for his awful, inappropriate, terrible behavior.
Yeah. I agree with that. And I think that, you can play football and be passionate about football. You can do anything and be passionate about it and still conduct yourself in a way that is appropriate. Totally. Totally. So Shame. Shame.
I am looking out for it. Now I'm gonna go ahead and say it. No. But the Swifties probably won't like this. A lot of people won't like this. I don't think that Travis is going to last very long if he doesn't take care of that anger management problem.
Yeah. It's just not gonna look real good for Taylor. She has, like, a really high standard, the things that she stands for, the things that she writes her songs about, the way that she moves throughout the community. I don't think that that's gonna that's gonna last.
I like to think that she won't put up with it. Like, I like to I hope to think that she is the kind of person that is like, hey. Listen. I am on top
of the fucking world, and I don't need somebody to scream in my face when they disagree with me. So I agree with you on that, but something inside me tells me that in relationships, Taylor is not that. You don't think? No. All of her songs are so, like, love sprung.
Everything is love, love, love. Like, I feel like she's so addicted to love. So addicted to love. Like, I feel like she's on top of the world. She's that power play in all these areas of her life, and I think in the love land, it's like she's just like, please just love me.
Yeah. I don't know. You know, it's it's hard to say when you don't actually personally know somebody. Yeah. And and again, you know what? Travis might be a fucking delight.
He may be. Maybe, the
world caught him 2 times on his worst day. I've been there. I've screamed in people's faces before. Totality that he is, like, this angry monster of a person, I'm saying that the pattern that I've seen so far in a 3 week span is enough for me to say, hey. That might be a red flag. Keep an eye
on it. Right. Well, let's just hope that, Kelsey does some unbadding. Let's hope. And he watches this back, watches his behavior over the last few weeks, and he's like, hey. You know what? I could probably do a little better. Yeah. Let's see what I can shift here. Maybe he'll dig in a little
deeper and see where his anger is
coming from. Let's let's unbad, mister Kelsey. Absolutely. So, Dana, what are we gonna talk about today? What is our topic of conversation?
Well, much in the vein of the love story of Travis and Taylor, they're not quite there yet, but we're getting into marriage. I don't wanna just say marriage down the line a little bit. But right now, specifically, we're talking about marriage and the age of marriage when it started, I mean, this is, like, over 4000 years old.
Right. Right. It's super old. And and maybe let's just even, like, asterisk this with, like, long term relationships.
There we go.
Right? Yeah. T r. Yes. Long term relationships and kind of about the things that we do in relationships, that may be judged, that may be considered a little abnormal, that might not sit within the the cultural acceptance of normal within a relationship that but that actually affect your relationship in a positive way. Totally.
I mean, Gwyneth Paltrow already, like, stumbled through this. In fact, just the other day do you know who Busy Phillips is? Do not. Okay. Cool. So you're not surprised. Not surprised at all. But Busy Phillips, like, had this article out where she was, like, Thank you, Gwyneth Paltrow, for conscious uncoupling
Mhmm.
Because it normalized for her. She was, like, she led the path on me and my ex husband being able to co parent and get along and be friends and to consciously uncouple without it being, like, the first people that did it. Because, I mean, although Gwyneth was not the first to do it, she was the first to be public about it on a large scale.
Right. And kudos to her for allowing such a vulnerable part of her relationship to influence for the better many other people's relationships. Because, I mean, that's not our topic at hand today, but conscious uncoupling, I feel like, would be a beautiful topic to talk about.
It should be. Absolutely.
So going back to marriage. Right? You had mentioned marriage is over 4000 years old.
I'm like, how long have people been here?
Longer than that. And, you know, today, people get married because they love one another.
Yeah. That was not always the case. I'm sorry. I just had, like, a vision of a caveman in my head, like, beating a woman with a club
and being, like, you mine now. My wife.
And that was the first wedding.
It's very glamorous. They served squirrel.
Yeah. What were we saying?
We were saying, oh, that people get married today for because they're in love, hopefully. Yeah. I mean the reason. Culturally, in the United States, sure, there's still other places where there's arranged marriage. But for the most part, people around the world are marrying because they're in love with somebody.
Yes. Yeah. Absolutely. And that was not always the reason that people were getting married. I think that being in love with somebody now, is relatively new for the reasons that you get married.
Sure. In the beginning, it was like, what can our families do together?
Mhmm.
Right? It was like, almost like a family contract. How can we grow wealth within our family?
Uh-huh. It
was economic. It was political. Uh-huh. It was, to secure heirs. Mhmm. So it was like, I am going to take on this wife, and she's going to give me children. And if she can't, I'm gonna give her
back. Yeah. Or you're king Henry the 8th, was it? And he's like, you did not give me a son, off with your head. Right. Onto the next wife. Right.
On to the next wife.
Me a son either, Off with your head. Yeah. And and he'll make up reasons. Like, oh, she was unfaithful. Yeah. Yeah. She she was not nice to
me. Yeah. And so, like, the first very, very first marriages, it was really like, I am taking possession of this woman. She is now mine. I own her, and she will give me children. Yeah. And we will have more workers and people to grow our village and our community. It was not about love at all. And also, let's talk about the fact that when marriage first came to be and for 100 and 100 of years afterwards. Like, our lifespan was, like, 34 years. Could you imagine?
I would have been, like, 8 years in the hole already. Like, 6 feet in that hole, to be exact.
Totally. Totally. But, like, let's say I don't know. Maybe you got married at 13, 14 then. Right? And maybe you're with this person 20 years max, and that was a lifetime. That was a lifetime. But now you hit 20 years with somebody, like, you still got 20, 40 more to go. It's a lifetime. It is a lifetime.
So we have to allow marriage to culturally evolve as we culturally evolve. I think that men are so much more now stepping up to the plate as partners within a relationship. It's not like as women we need to secure a man to provide. It's not like we need to secure a man to protect. We can do these things for ourselves now. So now 2 people are coming together in a partnership to enhance each other's lives and grow love together.
Yeah. Where it used to be the man was the one that voted, the man was the one that controlled the household, the man was the one that was in charge of everything, and so it has been evolving over time to get to the point where we are now. And it's kind of funny to see how after all of this time, even now, so many people have judgments over what other people do in their relationships. For example, if you don't sleep in the same bedroom
Mhmm.
Then you there's something wrong with your marriage.
I will definitely say that I I, in my early spring chicken years of marriage, 100% judged that. Totally. Because, right, the perspective is different. You're climbing let's imagine we're climbing up a hill of marriage. Right?
What I see at the bottom of the hill when I first enter into marriage is very different than what you see if you're in the mid part of marriage or what somebody else sees if they're at the top of the hill of marriage. Mhmm. And so it's very natural to judge those things, and I'm sure people listening will have their own judgments. Mhmm. But instead of, like, spewing judgments on people, let's let's take a look inward and say, like, okay, what is my view?
Where can I see from? And it's not even length of time within marriage. Also, it's situational. You know? There are some people who are married to somebody who has a terminal illness.
Mhmm.
There are people who are married, and have really high needs children. There are people that are married and live on separate continents. There's so many situational possibilities.
There are people that are married that have a husband slash wife slash partner with somebody that has a CPAP machine. And you're, like, fuck. I need I need space or I'm never gonna sleep.
I'm being of all the people I know that sleep with a CPAP, and I'm like, fuck. Yeah. Right. How do they do that?
And it's like the other person like, for real, my husband, I love you. He snores like a motherfucker sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes he will snore like a motherfucker, and I have
to kick him and be like, wake up. And then I to. I have to. I have to kick him. I can't gently wake up. Kelsey era. Okay. So you're, like, bucking him like a horse in the back.
So, I mean, if he happens to sleep in the other room and I get my rest, I'm probably gonna like him a little more. Probably.
Yeah. I mean, I know that in the times that happen often in my room Yeah. When there's snoring happening, I'm irritated, and I wake up pissed off. Mhmm. So I get it. Yeah. So I asked you the other day. I was like, you know what? For this episode we have coming up, why don't we, like, put out a tweet? So you put out a tweet, kind of asking people, what are the things that you do in your marriage Mhmm.
That could be perceived as abnormal Yeah. But that actually improve your relationship. And we got quite a few quite a few responses. So I think we'll dig into each one and just kind of, like, have a little chat.
Yeah. I thought that they were pretty interest they were good ones too. They were, like, thought provoking that I was like, okay. Okay. And then there were also ones that I was like, tell me more. Help me see where you're at. Help me understand what you mean by that. Right. Sometimes they were able to do it, and sometimes it was just like, I don't know. It's just kind of how it goes for us. We'll start off on a light one.
Okay.
This one says, I choose what I want to eat and when I want to eat. If we agree on a time and what it is, fine. And if not, we fend for ourselves.
That is so beautiful. Isn't that wonderful? It is wonderful. I cannot count the conversations that Dave and I have had. What do you wanna eat? I don't know. What do you wanna eat? I don't know. You want this? Nah. I don't want it. Uh-huh. You want the I don't want it. Like, there is this understanding that we all have to eat the same thing. We don't have to eat the same thing.
Well, you know, there's this other thing that has been happening since, like, I don't know, the forties, the fifties, whatever. And I get it. And it's all about family. It revolves around dinner time. Your family time has revolved around dinner time. Your kids should be present around the table and my household is not like that.
Mhmm.
You know, we eat I mean, the teenagers eat whenever the fuck they wanna eat. You know, sometimes they eat with us, sometimes they don't. If my husband wants sushi and I am not in the mood for sushi, are you like that? Like, I need to be in the mood for sushi.
Yeah. I'm with you.
Yeah. My husband is in the mood for sushi a 100% of the time. I bet he is. He is. And I am, like, listen.
I I gotta be in the mood. First.
I gotta be in the mood.
It's really gotta strike my fancy. Okay? It's gotta be nice
to me. It's gotta be
all the things. All the things.
So, I mean, there's many times where I'm like, just take Jocelyn and go get sushi, and I will figure stuff out.
Mhmm.
So I think it's nice that they're, like, there's no animosity there. There's no we have to eat together. It's, no. No. No. I'm a person that has different needs than you do in particular moments. I also have hormones and different vitamin nutrition, requirements Right. Than you at some point. You know, my body is craving fucking spinach, and yours is craving fish.
Right.
So we don't have to be on the same page all the time.
Right. And and like you said, like, the whole dinner around the table thing, I do think that that's that's nice. Do I think it's mandatory every night of the week? I don't. I feel like there can be flexibility in that, just like a lot of other things. But I do think that when you're talking about a family, like, let's say, like, you know, most American couples and families are on a food budget. Food is outrageously expensive right now.
So expensive.
So, like, there has to be a level of planning in most households. Something that's coming to mind for me is, like, whenever my kids and my husband are at home, and I'm trying to plan a meal for 4 different people's tastes, not everybody wants the same thing at the same time. And so I get that, like, sometimes you just have to eat what's there. But if you can, if you're not in a, a space with kids, I think kids are kind of a caveat to this one.
If you're
not in a space with kids and you just wanna go make your own food, go make your own food. Such a simple way to keep the peace.
So easy. Yeah. And and I appreciate that, too.
Mhmm.
I'm like, please, leave me be. I'm gonna eat what I wanna eat. I don't wanna be forced to eat what you're eating.
Yeah. Dave's been gone all week, and so things have been a little different around the house. And yesterday, it was kind of, like, food leftover day. And so I took all the stuff out of the fridge, and I set it on the counter, and I'm, like, these are your choices. Yeah. Pick 1. Eat what you want. Yeah.
I love that, though.
Yeah. It was nice. I liked it.
I have a good, a leftover day too. I like a good leftover day. Clean out the fridge. Yeah. This one so we actually kinda talked about this one before, and I think it's important to bring it up again. She said, I didn't take his last name. I don't like the whole concept to begin with, and I just like my name. It felt like being forced to change a part of my personal identity as an unnecessary show of commitment.
Mhmm. I actually I mean, you and I, like you said, we've talked about it before. I think that there's some women who want to change their last name. And I say for those women, do it. Yeah. But could could culture and could men please stop making that a requirement of union?
Or, like, telling the husband, like, oh, she must she must think that you guys are gonna get divorced one day or she doesn't really fucking love it. Like like it's emasculating in some way? Yes. That she didn't take your name instead of just being like, hey, dick face. She's been this name her entire life. Maybe just let her keep her fucking identity.
Right. Yeah. I'm I I know the reasons that I changed my name. I stand by those reasons, but I really miss being Jessica Christina. I miss that a lot.
So I feel, for that person who wrote in, I couldn't agree with her more. And I think that changing your name really should no longer be a cultural standard of marriage. I think that it should and it is a choice, but I feel like it's more culturally acceptable or, like, what's the word I'm looking for? Go go gadget brain. It's assumed that you will change your name after you get married. Yeah. And and a lot
of people, like, if you don't immediately change it on Facebook, people are like, are they still married? What happened?
Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny. When I went on that plant medicine retreat back in November, I was chatting with one of the men there, and him and his wife have both been on a pretty vast spiritual journey.
And he was telling me that she had kind of went through this thing where she wanted her last name back, and she changed it on she didn't change it legally, but she changed it on all her social media platforms. Yeah. And then whenever it went towards, like, you know, filling out something or whatever, she would put her maiden name down. Mhmm. And he was like, who am I to tell her otherwise?
She is who she is. I I can try to hold on to her as tight as I can, but that's just gonna make her run even more. If I open my hands and allow her to be the fullest expression of herself, I have the gift of being in union with that person, not the one that's being crushed in this tiny little box. And I was like, preach, friend.
Preach. Beautiful. So beautiful. It's the the need to control
Mhmm.
That smothers a relationship. Totally. And you don't own her. I think that's you know, like, we are no longer being traded for goats and chickens. You know? You don't own me.
I don't know
the rest of the words.
Diane Keaton. That's what
I picture every time I hear that out. But, yeah, it's let her be. And, also, you don't need to change your last name to show your love and commitment to somebody just as much as you don't need a piece of paper from a courthouse to show your love and commitment to somebody.
Right. I think that that's actually a really good one. It's like the people who choose to not marry on paper, but be in a lifetime, like an agreed union between 2 people. Like, you Goldie Hahn. Oh, is that what she did?
Goldie Hahn and, Kurt Russell. They've been together together for, like, 30 or 40 years. Like, something crazy. Like, a long ass time.
Never married. Never married. I also think that that's beautiful.
It is.
It's like a personal commitment to somebody, like, not feeling legally tethered to someone. And and how much stronger is that? Like, when I think about people who want to, divorce Mhmm. So many people don't separate because of the legal bullshit.
Because there's so much legal bullshit. Another reason is money. I don't have enough money to divorce this person. It's crazy to me how much money is involved in just trying to be like, nah.
It didn't work out. Right. Right. It's like the cost of divorce. Yeah. Right? And so for the people that decide, you know what? We're not gonna go through this, the legal, fine tape, red tape, of marriage and just choose to be together, it's almost more powerful because just as much of you've chosen to be together, you can choose to leave without having to, like, sign any papers. And the fact that they've stayed together for so long, I think, is just a beautiful love story.
And they're not the only ones. There's definite other people, a gazillion of them. And it's funny because I remember whenever I was dating Joe, we're 4 and a half years into dating, and I was like, seriously, motherfucker?
Shit. Seal the deal.
Shit or get off the pot. That's what I said to him. Shit or get off the pot because I'm classy like that. Okay. That's
She is.
How I handle my business. And whenever he refused to fucking push and shit, I left, and then he shit a ring on my finger.
And a baby in your belly.
And a baby in my belly.
He shit twice. He did. He did double shit. So another one that I think gets so much judgment, and it's just a very simple word. One guy wrote on the post, threesomes.
Ah, I think that this could be under the whole umbrella of, like, sexual things that people do, quote, unquote, abnormal or outside the lines of normal within relationships, and threesomes is definitely one of them.
There's so much judgment that goes into now now here's the thing. I am an a monogamous person. I personally I don't have the mentality. I don't know if it's cultural, if it's something that was, you know, just what it was beaten to me growing up or what. Just a
personal preference even.
My Yeah. It could just be that. I don't know. I can't say that I know because it's all I've known. She a jealous bitch. I I can be. Well, I used to be, I guess I should say. But I I don't wanna share.
Right.
I'm like, no. No. No. No. No. Like, I I don't wanna share my husband.
And I think most people feel
that way. Totally. But not everybody feels that way. Right. And there are plenty of people out there that are fine having an open marriage, having a polyamorous marriage. Yeah. Or, you know, like, what's it called? Cuckold? Mhmm. Where basically the guy watches another dude have sex with his wife.
Oh, okay. Didn't know that was there was a word for that.
There's a lot of, kinks and sexual preferences out there. Right. That people play out in their marriages. They're swingers. Sure. There's so many other kinds of relationships besides a monogamous relationship, and they get a lot of heat and nobody Everyone wants to be, like, oh, your relationship is less than or it's bad for whatever reason. You must be monogamous, but nobody's paying attention to how a lot of monogamous relationships aren't great either.
Or how many people, deal with infidelity within their monogamous relationships. And, look, if if you are a person who wants to be monogamous, then this won't work for you, and we're not telling you to go do this. Totally. But if your partner is expressing some desires that you don't want to fulfill, and you're like, hey, go do that with someone else. Yeah. And that feels okay for you, that feels right. Who am I to judge?
That's one of the things that get me is because I know so many people that do judge it. Mhmm. And I'm, like, why? You're not out having sex with somebody else.
What do you care? Yeah. I think we judge things that we don't understand. Mhmm. You know? And I don't I mean, I I don't have any desire to go outside my marriage or to have a open relationship within my marriage, but I do feel like I understand how people want to do that.
Totally.
I feel like, so I know that there's people who are, like, bicurious, or bisexual and are married to a man. Yeah. And they let's say the female partner or the male partner wants to explore sexually with somebody that is their own gender. I mean, that's a part of, let's say it's me, that's a part of myself that I wouldn't be able to explore within a monogamous heterosexual relationship. Yeah.
So if my spouse is secure enough within our marriage, secure enough within himself, that he's going to I don't want to say allow, but that we agree mutually that this is something that will benefit our marriage, why not? If he decides that there's something for him sexually that he needs to fulfill that I'm unwilling or unable to do, and we think that's going to benefit each other and him to fully be more himself and therefore be fully more present in our marriage.
Why not? I agree with that wholeheartedly, and I also want to add to it. And if you're not okay with it, it's okay to say, you know what? This has run its course. Right.
And let that person because so many times people wanna blame and point fingers and say, well, you wanted to have sex with other people, and that's why it's all your fault that our marriage ended. Well, you know, like, that's it probably goes a little deeper than that. Right. And I don't think that there always has to be a blame game going on for people to grow and evolve and figure out who they are because that's what life is is we are constantly figuring, uncovering other parts of ourselves.
Right. So that's a pretty thought provoking point for me. And it's a bit off our topic, but I'm gonna go with it anyway. And I say, like, okay. So let's say we have this relationship that has so many good things that are working for it. Right?
Mhmm.
But you have this one part. Because we're talking about the sex thing, we'll go with that. Right. Let's say I want to have relationship outside of my marriage. Mhmm. All of these other things are great, but this one thing. Does that mean my marriage has run its course, or does there have to be sacrifice at some point within marriage of, like, being your fullest self? I think that it depends on
the person. If this point is something that's going to keep coming up and coming up and coming up and coming up and coming up, even though
the rest of this is good, this has, like, now become poison. Right? Because what we deny within ourselves is what, like, we feed it almost. Yes. And it gets bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger.
Until it's the big, like, shadow monster in the room. Right. Right. So it depends on the person. If it's able to stay, like, a minimal thing, like, it's not that big of a deal to either party, But the thing is, it is a big deal if somebody's bringing it up.
So, yeah, maybe it has run its course. Yeah. I can't say one way or another different relationships are different for different people, but I do find that if there is something big that you are having an argument about over and over and over and over and over again, that that, yeah, that tends to make the other stuff, like, minimal, in importance for the relationship to continue.
Yeah. I guess if you put the magnifying glass on one thing, then you can't even really, like, pay attention to the over, not over, run its course, or still has life to live. But, it definitely has my brain working.
Yeah. Well, I think, again, it's it's to each their own. Right? It's different for every individual person on what they prioritize, how important something is to them. If it's that important to them, then, yeah, they're going to go forth and do the thing that they want to do. Right. And if it's not, then they're going to squish it down until it doesn't bother them at all or until it bothers them so much that they go forth and do the thing that they want to do. Yeah.
I guess that's the only 2 options. Smosh it or feed it some miracle girl.
Yeah. Exactly. Yeah.
So, we have a couple more here too. Oh, so you and I talked about this a little bit earlier. Now, for me, the separate laundry bins or laundry baskets.
Mhmm.
There are some people, did you know, that just like use 1? Like husband and wife both throw their junk in there.
So, up until about a year ago, I was someone. It never even occurred to me that we would have a separate laundry basket. Why? I don't know. It just wasn't a thought that came into my brain. It was just like, and so for I mean, how long? Dave and I have been together almost 17 years. So for about 15 and a half years, we have shared a laundry basket. Now I enjoy physical exercise
Mhmm.
But the physical exercise that is, like, slow and not sweaty. Uh-huh. And so even my exercise clothes, quote, unquote, are minimally dirty. Listen. I could wear them 2, 3 times before I have to wash them. Same. Yeah. Same. There was a short snippet of time in my life where I had actual, like, real sweaty exercise clothes, but it was, like, 6 months max. Yeah.
Anyhoo, my husband is of the exercising variety in which profuse amounts of sweat are required in order for him to feel like he got a workout. Yeah. I'm talking like completely drenched t shirt. And living in Sunny
could, like, squeeze out. Totally dripping.
Yeah. And not even just his t shirt, like his shorts and his underwear too. Yeah. So most of the time, he will lay them outside and, like, allow them to dry before he puts them inside the laundry basket. And I never really allowed my gross meter to go off on that.
Now that it's gone off, it is loud, but it never went off before. Yeah. And so for 15 and a half years, I did my laundry and his laundry together, and I did our kids' laundry separate of ours. And so when on the days in California when there wasn't, like, sun outside Mhmm. I would go to put my stuff in the laundry basket, and Dave's soaking wet, sweaty clothes would be draped over the laundry basket because it's gross to put the wet ones in.
Right? So we would allow them to dry over top of the laundry basket, and I would have to, like, lift the lid with the wet clothes on top and shove my stuff in there. And finally one day, I was like, what the fuck am I doing? Just get another laundry basket. Yeah.
And it has been laundry bliss ever since. And I will tell you, I do not do his laundry anymore. I only do my own. And he did make a comment, like, maybe a month ago, and he was like, I kinda miss whenever we used to do our laundry together. And I was like, oh, not me.
Yeah. You miss it because I'm the one that did it.
You know what? I can't even I can't even, like, clean up.
He's a laundry doer.
You know what? He's a all things doer. You're
right. He's a pretty cleanly person.
He's he's tidy. He does dishes. We both do. He does dog poop. I do dog poop. Mhmm. He does laundry. I do laundry. He does dishes. I do dishes. Like, it's very split down the middle.
You know, that is, an excellent one to add on the list. I don't think that that is very typical of a lot of relationships. My husband works full time. I am a full time stay at home mother. I expect my husband to do chores. Mhmm. Like, he helped like, you come home from work, and he does the dishes. He helps with the dogs. He helps with the kids, the bathing, the like, all of the things, because we're a partnership. Right.
And I know that there are relationships out there where it is the woman of the house does all of the household stuff. The man of the house goes out, gets the bacon, and comes home.
Right. And for me, that never worked for me.
I was like, no. No. No. No. I'm I'm gonna need some help. And there are women out there that are I was never that kind of a person.
Yeah. I think that, I don't we evolved to that. Yeah. You know? I think that especially whenever I started working less Mhmm. And, I wasn't, like, at an office all day and then coming home, and we had kids at home. Yeah. I was definitely the one that was, like, taking on more of the household stuff. But we had to evolve because kids are a lot of work. Totally.
And the house is a lot of work, and there's so much to be done. And and Dave, I think, used to do it begrudgingly. I don't think he really loved it. He probably thought, fuck, I work all day, and then I gotta come. And he doesn't even have to come home.
He's always worked from home since we first started dating. But then I have to, like, leave the office and clean up dog shit and do the dishes and whatever. But he's definitely, like, anchored himself in that being part of his contribution of the home. And so now he's deemed himself, the nickname of Bounty, because he gets to the messes before I do. I call him the quicker picker upper.
The quicker picker upper.
I'll go to, like, grab something outside, and he has already done it. And I'm like, thanks, bounty.
Yeah. That's hilarious. I love that. Yeah.
So there was one more that I thought was, interesting. This person said that they don't have, sides of the bed.
Okay. Go go nonjudgmental mouth.
Oh, yeah.
While I'm happy for them that they can just fall into bed, my gross meter is screaming.
How how do you just, like, not fall on the same side of the bed, though? Right?
Every night in the same side. I'm, like, walking into my room. I'm, like, do we go horizontally? Do we go vertically? Like, do you go any direction? I have so many questions.
So many questions.
And do you have a designated pillow? That is a big question for me.
And do you drool? Because, I mean, my husband's not a drooler, but if there was any sort of mark on a pillow and I had to label
it on it You know? Like, you know, like, the the pillow, encasements, like, the the cover things, not the case, but, like, the underneath part? Like, that comes off for a reason so you could wash it because there's, like, head sweat in there and
There's body sweat. There's, like, like, skin cells that have just, like, shaken off onto the bed. That's not for me, personally.
Well, I'm glad you brought this one up because it's a good step into one of the big ones, which is just sleeping arrangements in general. Yeah. And this is a really good one because I think so many more people we kinda started it with this big judgment of sleeping in separate bedrooms.
Mhmm.
So many people have tailored their sleeping arrangements to improve their marriage. We talked about snores. Yes. We talked about CPAP users. Mhmm. What what is it about sleeping arrangements that makes it so important and helpful to a marriage, do you think?
Well, okay. They tell you from the time you are in elementary school how important sleep is. Mhmm. It is important for your health. It is important for your growth. It's important for your mental health. Sleep is, like, one of the most important things that you can do for your body. Mhmm. And not everybody is going to sleep well together. Maybe you have a partner that likes to toss and turn a lot.
Lot. Mhmm. Maybe you have a partner that has nightmares. Maybe you have a partner that, like me, I pee 30 times a night. Right. So I'm constantly getting out of bed, going to the bathroom, pee, come back, get back into bed. That's a lot of disruption for another person.
Mhmm.
And so I do think that you know what? If you're not sleeping in the same bed, I don't think that's, like, the end all to a marriage. You know, you can have sex in one bed and then say, goodnight, and get up and go to your other bed. Right.
Because there's this, like, idea that sex only happens at nighttime in the bed.
In the bed. Yes. That's the only
Just ask a teenager. They know that that is not the only place and time the
sex happens. They have found all of
the other places, all of the
other times. Yes. Yeah.
I think that the bedroom one is so important, and I think it's so important because it's heavy on my heart right now. I want my own room so bad.
Well, you're not the only person. I there's actually I fucking forget who said it. Maybe I don't know who it was. But they were like, if I could have my own house, I would have my own house. So those that's one
of the things that I wanna normalize. And and I think that we'll get there, but I feel like the the bedroom, the house, the living arrangement thing, like, some people need their space. They just need their space. And I'm kinda looking at my kids, and I'm like, how do you guys get your own room? And I don't get my own room. So Dave has a bedroom.
Uh-huh.
Jordan and Shay each have a bedroom, and Dave has an office. And I don't have one space in my whole house to call my own.
Or like a space where somebody else can't, like, touch your things. Right. Or, like, mess it up. Or like
a space where I can wake up and go meditate and, like, nobody walk in on me.
Yes. Oh, gosh. Yeah. Sometimes I think, man, if I could have my own, like, even a tiny house in the backyard, you know, like, build me a she shed. Mhmm. I could, like, make it pretty. I could, like, chill with my wine and watch a documentary and cuddle with my cute ass puppies.
Yes.
Like and not have socks in my couch. Yes. Or
or, like, you leave and you come back and it looks exactly the same way as you left it. Oh. It's quite beautiful. So while we're talking about this, and I feel like there's so many other sleeping arrangement ones that we can touch base on, but let's just make, like, a solid across the board agreement. We're gonna stop judging other people's sleeping arrangements.
Yeah. And if you haven't thought about sleeping in another room, if this is triggering you to be, like, maybe I wanna sleep in another room, go do it. Try it. Just give
it a try. Yeah. See how it goes. You know? Like, it it might work out great. You might get the best sleep of your life.
You might. You never know. And everyone around you will be happier for it because you'll be a nicer person.
I'm a much nicer person whenever I get my sleep Yeah. For sure.
Yep. So we talked for a minute about different houses. Uh-huh. And, part of this whole, this is heavy on my heart kind of thing has come from this, like, feeling that I don't have my own space Yeah. In the house. And so a few months ago, this is something that recurringly was coming up for my husband and I. And as I've mentioned before, my husband works from home, and he is home all the time. And so I'm never home alone, And I am a self proclaimed introvert. I love to be alone. I love quiet.
I don't even put the radio on in the car. I just wanna be alone. Yeah. And I don't ever get that time. And so I thought, alright, Dave.
Either you have to rent an office space somewhere, yeah, and go work out of the house and come home so I can have some alone time, or we need to have, like, another living space where I can go and have some time to myself. And so, my husband and I rented a studio apartment around the corner from our house. It's like, Yeah, you did. Now, I know that not everybody can go rent an apartment around the corner from your house. Sure.
I feel like in San Diego, Dave and I barely can. But it's worth every sacrifice that I have made over the last few months to be able to have this for myself, and it is wonderful. That is wonderful. And I feel like at first, Dave and I were both very shy to express this to the real world because we felt like people are gonna think we're getting divorced. Uh-huh.
People are gonna think we're having trouble in our marriage. Mhmm. People are gonna judge us. There's all these things. And you know what I discovered?
Every couple that I told this to, not only once has told me that is so smart, but has, like, gone home, thought about it, talked about it, and text me again, and has been, like, gosh. I just think that's such a great idea. Like, I don't even know how you came up with that. I told the therapist. She was like, well, that's a really creative solution. Oh. That is great. Good for you. I even got an A with the therapist.
You got a gold star from therapy. I did. That is great. That is, like,
the ultimate feel good thing. Whenever a therapist tells you that you made a good decision, you're like, oh my god. Okay. Give me my pets.
I did it. I did it. I did it. I might even piddle a little.
Yeah. That's so exciting.
Yeah. It's been, it's been a really great place. And so, a few mornings or a few days throughout the week, I'll go over there and have my alone time sometimes on date nights because fancy date nights are one of the things I have to sacrifice to have this place. Yeah. We'll go over there and cook a meal or order takeout and hang out over there, just the 2 of us. Maybe have a sleepover instead of getting a hotel.
Kids. Yeah. That's kinda lovely. Oh. I know.
That sounds great.
It's been great.
Oh.
So I think that, separate houses, I don't even think that's a bad idea. You were talking about, like, a little separate she shed. I'm saying let's convert that garage to an ADU, and it's mama's house. There you go. I don't even want the big one. I want the little one.
Give me the little one. That's a lot less that I have to clean up. I it's cozy. I like a cozy space. Totally. I'm into it. Oh, that is great. And so people doing, like, separate sleeping arrangements, separate houses, separate toilets, I have found are a game changer.
Don't you and Joe have separate toilets?
Yes.
Yeah. I don't use the toilet in our bathroom.
It is, like, I anytime Joe and I ever look at another house, you know, even for shits and giggles, if if it doesn't have 2 separate toilets, I'm like, get it the fucking nope. Take it off the list.
It's not happening. Yeah. Yeah.
And then there's some people do separate bank accounts and find that very beneficial.
Yeah. I know I think finances is, like, one of those things that is as unique to the relationship as the relationship. So many people have done finances in so many different ways, and I think that people kind of assume that once you get married, everything is joined together. Yeah. And sometimes that works for people, and sometimes it doesn't.
You know, Joe and I do not have, the same bank account. We do have a joint account, but it's, like, there's no money in it.
It's Right.
Strictly there because he was, like, a business client, and I needed the same benefits. So we have a joint bank account so that I can have my own bank account.
So it's logistical. Yeah.
Yeah. Basically. I get so with the evolution of relationships, partnerships, marriages, whatever they are, that was one of the things. Like, women now have jobs. Sometimes they're the breadwinner of the family.
Sometimes keeping those, finances separate is what works for that particular situation. Maybe, you know, the husband isn't great at paying the bills, but she is or vice versa or, like, a lot of people take, their responsibility within the marriage. Do you or is one or the other a bill payer in your relationship?
We've taken turns, but, currently, Dave is. Yeah. Yeah. He's the bill payer because he's also the saver. Yeah. And he's also the spender. So, he's just he's the one that tackles that these days.
Yeah. I
had, like, a 10 year run with it, and then I was like, I'm done with this.
You know, I have gone through phases with my husband because my husband takes care of everything.
He pays all of those. Finances go?
I'm like,
he don't take care of everything. No. No. No. The financial world.
As far as the bills go, I have not seen an electric bill, a cable bill, a tax bill. I mean, you name it. It hasn't even crossed my path in 10 years.
Yeah.
But on the flip side of that, I also don't know anything about our financial situation. If somebody was like, how much money do you guys got? I'm like,
I don't know. Does that work for you? Does that is that a positive in your relationship to not have to deal with that, or is that a struggle?
It's a struggle for me.
Mhmm.
And it's something that I'm kind of trying to work through why is that a struggle for me. Mhmm. If I wanna know something, I just ask him and he tells me. Right. I think the asking daddy for permission thing is what really bothers me because anytime I wanna go do something, I'm like, hey, honey.
Can I, you know, I don't know, rent a yacht for my dog's birthday? You know? And then I have to get permission for it. Right. So it's not like I can do if I wanna be fucking frivolous with something, I have to get permission to do it.
Okay. So let's say, hypothetically, you went out and were frivolous on something. Would you get a call on it? Like, would you get called out? Immediately.
In fact, I remember going through a drive thru one time. I was going through McDonald's because French fries are a cure for depression.
And I was going through That is accurate. I
know. And and I was just telling Joe this the other day too. I'm, like, when I'm in a mood or I'm getting my period, I'm like, I need French fries. They are my comfort food.
Yep. I feel you.
So I was having a day. I was going through McDonald's. I needed to get my large French fry, and no sooner did the card get charged. My phone is ringing, and Joe's like, oh, so you're at McDonald's. And I was like, dude, not on
a day.
Oh, fuck.
Like, I was so irritated. And he wasn't even saying, like, don't be at McDonald's or what are you doing at McDonald's or anything. But the fact that he could, like, track my movement through credit card notifications really got to me that day. Right. And then I was like, I don't get notifications every time you go to McDonald's.
Right. So, yeah, sometimes it does really get to me. I could see from your perspective how that could be bothersome. I think that for me, not being in the know would be a challenge, because, one, just from a practical reason would be like, if something happened to you, I wanna know, like, what needs to be paid. I wanna know what money we have. I wanna know what counts I need to check on.
Yeah.
So from a practical standpoint, I would wanna do that. But also, I feel like and, again, this is one of those things where everybody's gonna have a different opinion. Totally. My husband and I are very traditional in our finances, in that his name is on my account. My name is on his account, and we use both accounts together.
Oh. I couldn't look at a account of Joe's. I'm not on anything.
So we also have, like we're on the same Apple ID.
Mhmm.
And so every password that he has, I have. Every password that I have, he has. And so I could go into, the 401 accounts or investment accounts that are linked to his employer.
Couldn't even tell you if we
have one. And, again, like, if it didn't bother you, I would say no big deal. But it's something that bothers you. And so it's one of those things that I feel like needs to do a little bit more digging and, problem solving.
Yeah. Yeah. For sure. It's definitely been on the radar. But you know what? Such is life. This is what we do. We go through the ups and downs. We figure it out. Does it really bother me that much? What is it in particular
Right.
That bothers me? I think, here's a hot take for you. When we were kids, we were so controlled in every single aspect of our lives that I could not wait to become an adult so that I could have control over my own life. And now as an adult, I have a husband has the control over all of that, and I don't. Right. And it's very like, it has taken the the little Dana in me, and, like, it's very triggering. Mhmm. That's what that's triggering for me.
Yeah. I could definitely see that. I could definitely see that. So maybe this is, like, it's funny how, like, we attract the things that, like, we say we don't want, and then we somehow, like, invite them back into our lives.
And then on the flip side of it, I fucking love it. I haven't stepped in an office in 10 years. I haven't worried about paying a bill when all I did through my twenties was worry about financial issues constantly. And that was taken off my plate, and now I'm like, oh, and now you're bitching about it? Right.
Right. But I think also, the flip side of that is, like, it's like you would like, you spend all that time in your twenties, like, I wish I didn't have to do this. Right? And then you don't have to do it, and it's like, that's great. And I don't know the conversation between you and your husband, but also it's like whatever the other person is doing in the conversation is also, like, a reflection of that, like, push and pull.
And so if you're asking questions and there's full transparency, then there's no need for you to feel any kind of way. But if you're asking questions and there's this, like, push and pull and tug with, like, knowledge and power, then it feels icky.
Yeah. I don't like the ickyness of it all.
Yeah. Yeah. I feel like full transparency, then, like, you know, you just ride that train. Yeah. Because that feels really nice to not have to worry about those things.
It it is. It is something that I had called into my life in my twenties that I am grateful for. Like, when I'm doing a gratitude list, it is super on that list.
Yeah. Yeah. I feel you there.
Yeah. Wow. So, guys, what are some maybe considered abnormal or strange or weird things that go on in your relationships? If you have anything, shoot them over
to us. We'd love to hear them. Yep. Thanks for hanging out another week with us, and until next time.
We're unbatting, baby.
We're on bedding, baby. We're on a journey, baby. We're on bedding, baby.