Introduction To Parental Alienation

wrong. alienation is the product of this kind of systematic deconstructing of the child's opinion, to get them to irrationally, reject, just completely reject the other parent and want nothing to do with them and just scream and flee and everything. I mean, it's awful, awful, awful, awful. What can manifest their estrangement is something completely different. estrangement is when a child says, You know what, Mom, or you know what, Dad, I don't really like you. And here are all sorts

of reasons. They have reasons for disliking a parent and wanting to be distance from the parent. Now we all act like oh, my gosh, that's impossible. No, it's not. Kids don't like their parents, a lot of times. And a lot of times you can be doing, you know, you think everything right, and your kid will still be like, you know, I need a break, we don't get along, I want distance, I really don't want to go over there. There could be all sorts of different

factors going on there. But that's estrangement, when the kids are able to point to some things, as their reasons why they don't want to be around a parent, that's estrangement. When you have just complete irrational fear, or just have real bizarre, utter rejection going on over at this other side, that starts to get into alienation. So then you have that systematic breaking down of the opinion, in the view of the other parents, or they just get completely irrationally rejected

by the child. That's something totally different. So we need to start by just differentiating between those two things. alienation is not my child doesn't like me a little bit, or my child has heard some negative things about me. And it's kind of like, I don't know about mom or dad right now. Or, you know, they're kind of pissed off at you or something like that. That's not alienation. That is

not, not, not not, not not. So it's a term that in popular everything is typically completely misrepresented and twisted to be all sorts of things, and then just grossly blown out of proportion to be any time your child doesn't like you, or in some of these books that you read. It's just nonsense. If if the child likes one parent more than the other, oh, there must be alienation.

No, that's called life. Some that sometimes, pretty much all the time, kids are gonna like one parent more than the other. That's life. Parents are going to like some of their kids more than the others. That's life that's just dealing with people that is just the dynamic. So you know what, after a while, it'll switch and then maybe it'll change again, and maybe they'll dislike both of you equally. And that's just the way that people

are, that's not alienation. So much of the stuff that gets thrown around when I work with people who are being alienated, it's like, No, you're not. There's nothing there that even resembles alienation. outside of just these crap posts on social media, there aren't even talking about alienation. They're just making crap up. And it's the child is just being a normal human being with preferences, likes and dislikes and moodiness. And maybe they have some ulterior thing going

on. And they act a little more favorable to one than the other that none of that is alienation. The actual rare cases of alienation, those things can get very, very, very messy, where you have children that are just just coming up with just bizarre accusations out of nowhere, against the other parent, just fabricating things and screaming and it's just it's awful when you actually see actual alienation cases, it's way out

there. So, first, start off, differentiate the terms estrangement is not alienation. alienation is a very particular precise thing. And general dislike and discomfort and you know, kind of like, sort of feelings. That's not alienation. A little unequal relationship is not alienation. None of that is alienation. So, step one, back off, get clear on what the actual terms are, have a reality check. People who like their parents, kids don't like their parents, a lot of times, and you could be

doing everything right. And guess what your kids could be like me, I don't really like you very much. Stop. That's just natural when you start being like alienation. And we have to go run the court and run around in circles and do all this weird stuff. That you're probably wrong. And when you're having that hyper response to things and start freaking out, and having frantic efforts to get connection, you start acting like a crazy

person. And when you start acting like a crazy person, guess what the kid's gonna do, I don't want to be around that crazy person. That person's doing all this weird stuff. And just, Oh, hi, relationship. Houdini, oh, child, oh, and you get hyper focused on trying to connect with this child. And guess what the kids gonna be like, this is weird shit. I

don't want to be around this. So a lot of times, it's the impression of alienation, and then the frantic efforts to over connect and being just hyper focused and obsessed with alienation. That creates a strange moment. And yeah, the kids are not going to be around these parents, and you're not going to want to, and a lot of these families that I've worked with, after you meet with the parents, and you're like, yeah, I can pretty quickly see why that kid doesn't want to

be around you. Your train wreck, you need to get your act together, start parenting more about, you know, just focus normally on the child rather than this obsession over alienation or the obsession with the evil narcissist who is manipulating the world. And it's crazy talk. And the kids pick up on that. And they're like, I don't want to be part of crazy talk and who can blame them? So long story short, know the difference. Don't do crazy stuff. estrangement is real, that's

typically what's going on. And sometimes just people don't like each other. So if you think that there are some alienation things happening, so if the ex, the other parent is actively trying to tear you down, saying bad things about you, it's called a denigration campaign, if they are doing those sorts of things, to try to break you down and break down the child's

impression of you. One, be impeccable with what you do check in, what can I do, to be able to show my child all the time, you know, day in and day

out that I say what I mean? I mean, what I say, I'm impeccable with my behavior, I show up for them, I'm going to tell the truth, I'm not going to lie about the other parent, I'm not going to, you know, say I'm going to do something to do something, just be impeccable in your word, be able to show your children that consistency of impeccable character, because that's what you're trying or the other parents trying to malign you on would be your character.

They want to show you as being inconsistent or a liar or deceptive or untrustworthy, or this or that. So, show up impeccably, for your child. So what you should be doing all the time anyway. But if you start hearing these critiques, check in with yourself. Make sure you got your act together, too. If your child starts coming to you, and you Oh, well, Dad said you know this about you and Dad, this and dad that start using Socratic method. start engaging the child in a dialogue that

exposes the game. Don't just tell them Oh, your dad's trying to just make me look bad because he's a narcissist. And oh, that no, stop. No. Like, you know, well, he Yeah, he said that. So what do you think about that? Does that line up with what you see? Well, you know, he says that I lie and everything but that didn't happen. Here are the things that we do. What do you see? Does that line up with how you relate to me? What do you think about That is meant to accomplish what

do you think? saying those things about me is supposed to do? How's that supposed to make you feel? Is that like, Is that supposed to break down our relationship? Is that how you want us to be? Is that is that the path we want to go down? And you can start guiding them through your questioning, to understand the dynamic of the

game. So you want them to understand what's happening behind everything, the game itself, and key them in on, you know, hey, when this is said, What What does it seem like, you know, the other person is trying to accomplish? Oh, to have conflict here. Is this how you want to spend your time? Me neither. So when you hear those things, you know, what can you do? Oh, I could listen and say, Oh, that's, that's mom, or that's dad trying to do this again. Yeah, that's what it is.

And then we can talk about it. I know, I'll answer questions that you have, as long as they're age appropriate and reasonable. If there's something weird or false about me, I'll tell you. Okay, we'll correct it. We'll move on. There you go. So use Socratic method, get them into, you know, understanding the game and the process behind the accusations and the distortions. If your child is rude to you enforce your boundaries, just you know what, nope, you don't

get to act that way. That is not how we do things here. If you show up and you're rude, nope, you're not going to be getting your extra things, there will be consequences. There's no excuse for you ever to treat me your parent. That way. I will show you respect. You will show me respect that is it. And then get them into the Socratic method. But don't let them start walking all over you. You have to have boundaries, have boundaries on the behavior. Don't punish them for aligning

with the other person. Oh, you just listen to your dad all the time. And don't do that. Focus on the behavior. Hey, you no disrespect does not fly here. No, this is a no disrespect home. And if you do that, again, you keep that up, you're gonna be in your room for the weekend. That's your choice, you are on notice. And guess what? Typically, things will just correct themselves. So have your

boundaries. And then if you have a situation where the child is not wanting to come to the other house, well, oh, no little Susie, I'm not gonna make little Susie go because she doesn't want to and I'm just gonna let her see so afraid. And so this usually that's a load of bullshit from the parent making up stuff and projecting it onto the child. Well, if it's your day, and you have custody rights for that day, and somebody is trying to withhold that child,

you go and force it. You cannot cannot cannot allow the other parent to start a pattern of withholding custody. You need to call it out immediately when it happens. Get down in front of a judge, find a lawyer find somebody whoever you know, that can help out with it and go and force that agreement. You cannot let that pattern begin. Have one parent withholding possession.

Do not allow that. That is one of the big foundations of all of this alienation stuff is you then start allowing the other parent to show the child Hey, Dad, spineless he's not showing up. They start telling more lies and hey, it looks true. Because who's not here? Dad's not here. This is a day should be with dad. Right? Well, guess what? You're not. And oh, and then they insert all sorts of lies. And there's all sorts of damage done. You need to enforce custody,

period every single time. Big antidote for alienation issues is time spent together. So you cannot sacrifice any of that time spent together. So custody issues, big, big, big, big, big foundational problem with alienation. The other thing that shows up all the time, probably universally, maybe 99.999%. I don't know exactly. But pretty much every single case, the alienating parent is in that cluster B personality disorder. That is going to be in play

every single time. If you see these denigration campaigns go going on and withholding possession, and just trying to brainwash and manipulate the child and turn them against you, guess what you are dealing with a personality disorder in that other parent, and you probably already know it from the living hell, that you've escaped partially from getting away from this person. But that's what's

going on. Now the court system, and all these other lawyers and everything else, they suck at actually dealing with that issue. Because the moment that there's any kind of pattern of withholding or showing, there should be an order, put in place that that parent who keeps withholding has to get down for psychiatric evaluation for cluster B, personality disorders, and they have to get treatment, nobody does that. That would solve everything, to call it for what it is and make

it go get treatment. So what do you know, if you're dealing with anything in the actual alienation realm, you're dealing with somebody with a cluster B personality disorder, here's what we don't want to think about. Here's what we just we hate, it keeps us up at night, if you're paying attention to your kid at all. One of their parents has a personality disorder, they're borderline,

they're antisocial. They are, you know, all those fun things, narcissistic narcissistic traits, mainly borderline within that group. Guess what your kid shares their genetics, your kid is half that person. And a lot of these things are genetic linked. And they are being exposed to behaviors and an unstable environment, with somebody with personality disorder that is acting out. So they have the genetics from that person, and they're being

exposed to that person. And then it all gets pulled into normally into the court system that just splits everyone and actually exacerbates all of these personality disorder issues. Make it even worse. And then usually, the court will refer people over to these low level therapists who will then do things like play therapy, which is actually contra indicated for actual alienation.

And typically, nobody steps back and says, Yeah, let's treat the cluster B disorder, let's actually treat, you know, the borderline, let's actually treat what's going on here to try to address the underlying issues. They just don't, they just refuse to see it, they refuse to do anything about it. And so it just turns into this circus and mass, and then people spend tons of money and it's just it becomes this

awful, awful, awful thing. So if you are dealing with something that you think is alienation, first, again, get clear on the terms. Most likely you're dealing with estrangement, most likely you're dealing with just kids not liking their parents, they may have some very valid reasons, or reasons that they think are valid. Now, if they're way over here, just making shit up, and saying that you've abused them and molested them and all this other stuff, you know, and that's why they don't

want to be around you. And none of that has any basis in reality, well, guess what your kid probably needs some treatment to not really for the alienation thing itself, but they're fallen from that tree. And that is something that you need to get on early and you need to get on it hard to give them some sort of chance or hope for being the best person possible. Sorry, it's blunt reality, that's what could very, very, very likely be going on.

And you need to recognize right up front, that that other parent, they're operating in that cluster B type. You need to be able to recognize that. And so that's why it is so important for yourself to be impeccable, to have strong boundaries to at least help your child as best as possible to get out of that situation through enforcing custody because time away from that is the one the only thing that's going to help temper some

of that stuff down. And then guiding them through Socratic method to help them understand the game and the dynamics and teach them boundaries and start becoming aware of you know what's going on. Kinda scenes. Now, of course, don't start saying, Oh, well, your mom, your dad's doing this. So they have a personality disorder and they're crazy. And then you start engaging in a denigration campaign yourself, don't do that. You're just then

getting sucked into the game. Or if that's very, very tempting and easy for you, maybe you need to go get evaluated yourself. Because in these dynamics in these alienation cases, alienation cases, usually, it's at least one party is cluster B, sometimes it's both. Sorry. Sometimes we need to just face the fact that, Oh, I'm doing it too, because of these things that I need to become aware of these are things that I'm blind to, as far as you know, my own cluster B traits or

personality disorder traits. And I need to go get help too. And maybe the kid does. These are things, nobody wants to talk about these things bluntly, instead, we just want to say, oh, we'll send little stuffed animals and have phone calls. And, you know, tell the kids what to look forward to, and have all these like frantic sort of overreaching things that overreach into the other house? Oh, so my baby never forgets me, guess what that's borderline

behavior. That's the type of frantic stuff that is part of the underlying problem. So basically, a lot of the pop stuff out there is, Hey, keep acting in ways that fuel the underlying issues or our distorted behaviors from these untreated, underlying issues. We need to see it for what it really is, this is the legit alienation area is a place where people need to get actual substantial treatment. This is where real real real deep dark

issues need to be worked on. But they pretty much never get work done. We have, you know, these superficial things that happen. And there's no enforcement for actual treatment. All that aside, I could talk about this topic for hours and hours. But nutshell, again, know the difference in terms, be impeccable in yourself. Make sure you are not playing into any of those games, do not do a counter denigration campaign on

the parent. Now, of course, when you start asking and doing the Socratic method and exposing the game, yeah, the kid, if they're, you know, smart, and they're within normal range on their emotions and everything else, they're gonna be able to see that and say, you know, dad is being kind of shooter, your mom is being kind of shitty, and that starts affecting their

trust there. That's okay. You're not going to then say, oh, now you're, you're mistrusting your parent, I'm going to go hide you away and withhold, you know, visitation, everything else. Don't do that. Don't start withholding your child against the other person don't do any of that. But you can make them aware of the game and the dynamics, they're going to need to be able to see those things to process what's going on now, to process it moving forward. And it's going to be a

tremendous skill for them. going out into the real world where Guess what, they're going to be encountering all sorts of people with these same personality type disorders that are going to be playing out different games. And if they can step back, and they're trained to be able to see those games, they have a higher likelihood of avoiding all that mess to begin with, and leading much happier lives. So down the road can end up being a

win situation. So again, enforce all your days, don't let anybody get away with withholding days. Make sure you're using that Socratic method, stay centered, enforce your boundaries with your child. And then also with anything that comes from the other parent, keep everything minimal, you know, you're dealing with cluster B. So keep everything very, very, very, very pared down so you're not playing into all those drama dynamics or those disorder dynamics.

That's a lot. I'm going to leave it pretty much at that I will be doing more talks on this topic is a very, very, very difficult topic that most people completely miss the point on. Most stuff out on the internet is complete garbage there. The pop books that you can read, that are very different from what the actual clinical manuals

are. I was I would say if you're going to read anything on these topics, read the actual clinical manuals do not read the popular books, even when they're by the same author. They're different. Trust me, I've read every single one of them. There are major differences between what is clinically advised and then what you know, gets just thrown around to the masses, that actually I think makes things worse and exacerbates and avoids problems. So, my name is Carl

Knickerbocker. This is unapologetic parenting, this is a lot of deep, dark stuff. Take as much of this to heart as you possibly can. If there are things that you're seeing that are resonating and true, really check in with yourself. Get those boundaries in place, make sure everything you're doing is spot on for yourself and for your family, for your home for your child, and start learning about kind of these personality disorders that are really at

play in these situations. Now, if it's a strange man issues, check in, find out what's really going on. Take that as valid feedback, see where you need to make amends. That's easy compared to this. The point is, don't call things the wrong thing. Don't overreact for basic dislike. Keep yourself keep yourself calm. Keep yourself clear. Keep yourself impeccable, keep yourself very, very well informed and aware of what's going on in all these dynamics. Again, Carl Knickerbocker, this is

unapologetic parenting. I hope this helps you connect, move forward and have very, very strong healthy relationships with your kids.