This is unapologetic parenting podcast dedicated to candidly and unapologetically discussing parenting, divorce and co parenting. We take on the topics most people don't want to talk about and offer support and solutions to help you be a better parent, co parent and human being. Now without further ado, let's get right to it. Welcome back. This is unapologetic parenting. I'm your
host Carl Knickerbocker. And in today's episode, we are talking about parallel parenting Well, what the heck is parallel parenting? We're familiar with CO parenting, we're especially familiar with versions of trendy trendy co parenting where everyone gets to skip around on vacation together. And it doesn't matter who is whose acts and we all bring our new whoever's and we co mingle and pose for photos with matching shirts from gap and all this
other nonsense. And for most people, that is completely unworkable. For most people, that is a nightmare. Why? Because a lot of continued exposure to an x means continued exposure to abuse and mistreatment and gas lighting, and just the constant headache of this other person just cannot get their act together. And they just fail or just terrible parents and it's a nightmare,
just a nightmare. So parallel parenting, what does that think of parallel lines, you have one house is on one track, they are doing their thing. They have their course plotted. They are doing what they know best the other house, they do their own thing. Maybe they're good, maybe they suck, but they're doing their own thing. Parallel lines do not cross parallel lines do not intersect ever. That is the definition of parallel. So what do we do with that with
parenting? Well, we allow the other house to do what they will we let them go and live their own best life, whatever that looks like. And we recognize that no amount of harassment, no amount of enmeshment, no amount of codependency no amount of anything else is going to
improve that situation. On the other side, we say you know what, I'm going to draw these firm boundaries, and I'm going to parent the way that I know is best I know that the kids need xy and z, I know that I am a competent and very capable parent, I'm going to do the things that I know are best. And I am not going to compromise myself. Because of the other parents low standards, I'm not going to compromise myself. by exposing myself to further abuse
from the other person. I'm not going to compromise myself by exposing myself to gaslighting and narcissistic abuse, and just all of the nonsense that comes with dealing with this other person. We don't do it. We say you know what, that's toxic, that tears me down as a person that brings me down as a parent. That is not what I want in my life, I am not going to allow my home to be dictated by a substandard person or somebody who just wants to bicker over everything in order to get
themselves attention. And to be able to just keep inciting conflict over and over and over again, for their own sake purposes, I'm not going to do that I am not going to engage in the power struggle. This solution then is what's called parallel parenting. So for those of us who have had high conflict exes, and we end up with a parenting facilitator, or parenting coordinator, or Reddit co parenting, this co parenting that under the different legal systems, what did they end up,
end up teaching us? In the end? They end up teaching us how to parallel parent? Well, of course, they don't call it that. They still call a co parenting, because that's the trendy, trendy thing to say. And that's in their title. But the truth is parallel parenting is the model that works. That is where all relationships should start after divorce. So you have two people and they say, you know what, we don't want to live with each other. We have whatever our
reasons are. And the decision is we're going to get divorced, and I'm going to form my own home. You're going to form your own home. But then the court system says you know what, you should still act like you're still together and you're still community As if you're together and try to solve all these marital issues and communication issues and still be in meshed, and be able to dictate each other's lives, and it's just nonsense. It just breeds
conflict. It breeds further litigation, which, of course, is why they do it because it is a major generator of legal fees and court conflicts and all sorts of other crap that just lines up pockets of all the people who advise you to do it. Well, when you break up with your ex, when you get divorced from your ex, guess what the best thing probably is, you go do your thing and let them go do their thing. And leave it at
that. Let you decorate the house and do the things and have your parenting standards and everything else for the kids as you deem best and let the other parents go and do the same. That is completely okay. kids do not need this homogenous kind of inter bread and mashed weird thing that co parenting seems to advise and rarely ever works.
They don't need everyone to be bickering and going to court over what toothpaste is in both houses, or what decor is in both houses, or what discipline standards or educational standards or media standards or Food Standards or dietary Allah, whatever. It just devolves into nonsense, the more and more and more we buy into the whole trendy trendy co parenting
thing. Of course it you know, it looks good on social media, we're all skipping around with our matching luau, you know, shirts or whatever, and it's just it's nonsense. Don't buy into it. What parallel parenting posits is that I get to run my house the way I want to run my house, I get to run my family, my home, my value system, the
way I know is best. And I'm going to allow the other person to do the same if the other person's value system is not the same as mine, fine if the other person's value system is not quite as good as mine, whatever, allow the other person to go and
just be themselves. We do not have to micromanage each other, we do not have to micromanage what the other parent is doing or allow ourselves to be micromanaged by whatever standard the other person is, or isn't holding parallel parenting is simply saying, you know what, I'm not going to play this enmeshed game, I'm not going to pretend we're still married, I'm not going to pretend we have to harm ourselves or expose myself to further harm from this person who has proven to me that they
cannot operate on that level, it just says enough is enough, I'm gonna go do my own thing. And so I go do my own thing, and allow the other parent to go and do their own thing. That's it. That is the standard. Now, of course, of course, if you find that the other parent is actually abusing the kids actually abusing the kids legitimately, physically, whatever, abusing the kids, where it would warrant some sort of intervention, well, then, of course, you intervene on that.
But if it's anything less than that, you just, you let it go. Let them parent as you would want them to let you parent, let it go. That is parallel parenting your parallel lines, there's no reason for you to be communicating with each other. There's no reason for there to be all sorts of crossover. There is no reason for you to continue using the children as a bridge of your unresolved connections and enmeshment. Let it go cut the kids out of it, cut the
cord, go do your own thing. Let them go do their own thing that is parallel parenting and it solves a massive, massive world of problems. So Crash Course parallel parenting, that's the concept you do you you will let your ex do whatever they want. As long as there's no significant abuse or things that are really detrimental to the children. You let them go do their own thing. They can just choose whatever toothpaste they want. They can enroll the kids and whatever the heck they want.
You don't have to show up and play nice nice pretend pretend that you have Some sort of good relationship with them when you don't. You do your own things, your own schedule, you have your separate life, you allow them to have their separate life and that's okay. That is completely okay. So again, my name is Carl Knickerbocker. This is unapologetic parenting, where we try to tackle these high conflict controversial. nobody really wants to talk about their issues and deal with them in the
most realistic ways. If you start parallel parenting if you cut yourself free from what your ex is trying to project into your life or infuse into your life, whatever however you want to describe it, you will find a tremendous amount of freedom and you will be able to give them the space they need to go figure out their own stuff. You can be freed up from abuse, you can be freed up from the headache of
having to deal with them. And you can define the standard of life that you want for yourself and carry that into the future. That is what your kids need. Your kids need you to be operating at your best parallel parenting allows you to do that trendy, trendy, trendy co parenting where you have to compromise yourself and pose nice nice for pictures. That is not what is really really good for the kids. It is very rare that that is actually a viable option for people so let go of
that image and be realistic. It is okay for you to cut ties and go do your own thing.