This is unapologetic parenting the podcast dedicated to candidly and unapologetically discussing parenting, divorce and co parenting. We take on the topics most people don't want to talk about and offer support and solutions to help you be a better parent, co parent and human being. Now without further ado, let's get right to it. This is Carl Knickerbocker. This is unapologetic parenting tonight we're talking about gaslighting.
So so many of us have had this fun and wonderful experience of having somebody else jack their brains. Long story short, whatever your theory of manipulation and gaslighting and blah, blah blah is you need to be journaling. You need to be recording things you need to be collecting data. Stop with everything else. The trendy, trendy advice is keep the feelings journal give yourself affirmations about your truth. Well, I I
feel this I feel this is true. I feel I feel I feel and look yourself in the mirror and I feel that I know my truth I feel I feel whatever, you know who does that the person who's gaslighting people, the person who's gaslighting you feels that they have truth, people who are very narcissistic people who are borderlines, everything else, they feel that they have to just don't do it, stop, stop facts, what you need to be as a scientist. In this process, you need to start writing down
facts. So get yourself a journal and start writing down what actually occurs, you need to be able to say, Oh, I had this conversation, I had that conversation this was said that was said, and just keep a very basic bullet point list in your journal of what actually
occurred. Because the way that a gas lighter room or a manipulator will work is they're going to attack you in that factual level, they're going to start working to distort things on the level of facts and get you to doubt your grasp of facts and reality. So then they can switch you and sway you on everything else. It's like the arrow that's off a little bit at the beginning that ends up way over here. That is what they do
to you. And once they can get you swayed off of your facts into you know, feelings, distortions, everything else, and off, you go into some sort of alternate reality where they're ready to just take over and control you. So the solution is journal, start journaling, keep a running tab of exactly what was said exactly what was done, when it was done, where it was done. Exactly what was said, where it was said, when it was said, keep track of all of these
different things. Just keep track, just start collecting data, collect facts. And then to bolster yourself, get one of these little, little guys. Drop it in your pocket, switch down whenever you're having conversations with this person. Or if you're having a phone conversation, put them on speakerphone and turn this thing on and just kind of sit it right here. So you can have a heavier load talk. start collecting data, and then transcribe it.
Don't just, you know, don't just trust your mind at this point. to recall things because what does the gas letter do? They'll make you start doubting your mind and start doubting. Well, between the time we had the conversation the time you wrote it down, you must have you must have distorted it. Well no, if you've got it recorded secretly, then you know what was said. And you can write it down and you
can be very, very accurate. It's also gonna be time stamped and everything else you're going to know when things actually occurred. So collect hard data be a scientist and sir studying this stuff to get to know exactly what was said. Because the the heart of gaslighting isn't getting off into your feelings and affirming whatever all this other stuff, it's about facts. It's about reality. And so you need to start being very, very, very diligent on tracking reality. So you can start
comparing patterns. So you can say this is what really, really happened. And these are the things that were really, really said. And then these are the distortions that I get from the other side. And when you is fun thing, not
fun thing. It's a it's a very fascinating thing when you start recording conversations between you and the person gaslighting you, you can actually start hearing the switches that they do in the conversations where you'll be talking along and you'll say something, they'll say something and then they'll say you said what they just said is sir convincing you and you say well Wait, no, wait, I didn't say that. That was that's something you said or that's, that's not what I actually Oh,
yes, you did? Yes, you did. Yes, you did. And you can start seeing the nature of the game. start collecting that data, start writing it down, start noticing those things, start noticing those patterns and be very scientific again, in your recording of that data. And before you know it, you're going to start noticing these patterns. You're going to start seeing how these games get played over and over and over and over again. Why is it so important to journal and record?
Well, the early stages of or the initial stages of gaslighting lies and exaggeration. What are the remedies to lies and exaggeration? Well, facts, just cold, hard, blunt facts. So you need to be on the cold, hard, blunt, fully accountable fact level, to be able to counteract any lies or exaggeration, just facts or facts, that's it. Repetition, they're gonna start repeating, repeating, repeating, repeating repeating these lies.
But you're gonna be collecting data and be able to show no, this is real, this is real, this is real, this is still real. This, these are just the facts. And no matter how often somebody can repeat nonsense and falsehood against you, you're going to be able to say, No, these are the facts. After you've established these patterns, what can you do then? Then you can test your thesis, your theory and say, all right, I have clearly shown over months, or however long it takes for you that, you
know, these are the facts. These are the fictions, these are the patterns. And so next time it comes up, have your recorder ready. I'm going to challenge it a little bit and be like, you know what, I didn't say that. That's not what I said. And notice the blow up you get in response. When you challenge what they're doing, when you challenge the distortions just a little bit, you don't need to be over the top Look, I've got you nailed and everything, be subtle, be smooth, and just be
like, You know what? I didn't say that. I know, I didn't say that. I said this, and you can start having your confidence in what you actually said, because you have documentation of what you actually said, You know, I know that that's not what happened, what's going on here. And then this person just loses their mind against you. And they start railing against you for doubting their truth and their feelings. And you're the devil and urine. You probably know the story from
experience. When you see that start planning to get out. When that happens, that should be all you need to know, be able to say you know what, this person has got some serious issues. They're going down this pathway of trying to just distort thing after thing after thing. I have documented all these patterns, all these distortions are documented and supported by recordings. And now I see that they're having this huge response, which is like third
level of gaslighting. I don't want to get to, you know, four, which is the wearing down and wearing out of the victim. And then I don't want to get to codependency and false hope and then domination and control. I don't even want to go there. Or if you are there, this helps you back up to this level. Get out. It's not going to change these people do not change. What you're dealing with is something in that cluster B personality
disorder just cluster. There's a reason why it's called a cluster, cluster B. And so you're dealing with what borderline antisocial, some sort of narcissistic cocktail of all sorts of stuff that's pervasive and not easily going to change. If it ever changes at all. Start making plans to get yourself out of that. If that's not how you want to live. Now if that's how you want to live, go for it. Just go wallow in it through your journal away and just have fun while they flush your brain
down. The toilet. Otherwise, start making plans to get out. And when you get out, keep up those diligent scientific tactics of collecting data. Because if you have kids, and you're trying to get out of things, you need to be able to show that continued pattern of distortion because it is going to continue, they're not going to change. They're not going to be like, oh, somebody divorced me, I'm going to have this come to whatever moment and just start being so holy and
wonderful to everybody. Now they're going to, they're going to keep doing the same exact thing. They're going to be on this continued campaign and making you look like you've lost your mind. So keep documenting things, keep collecting data, keep recording everything, reduce everything to writing and be able to track fact, from fiction, be able to differentiate between those two, it's vitally, vitally, vitally
important. Because ultimately, what you're probably dealing with is somebody who's in some kind of manipulation gaslighting around, and that's all these cluster B, personality disorders, that stuff doesn't change. If ever, maybe after a lot of work, you don't want to be any part of that you want to get out of it. So continue continue tracking things. How do you heal? Will you heal by being able to look at the data and be like, you know what, I haven't lost my mind. I'm that batshit
crazy. I've been debt, like my own story. I felt like I was just doubting myself for all this time. And oh, my gosh, it must be something wrong with me. Because how, how could this? How could this other person be so wrong on reality? That's how could I think this other person was distorting so many things, it must be me. And there's this story within ourselves and says, I want to believe that the other
person isn't so screwed up. And I want to believe that I haven't gotten drawn into something so awful. And so I would rather blame myself than the other person. But that's the work of the gas later is to get you into that loop. And to exploit that desire to be like, Oh, I, I would rather there be something wrong with me, then you think that there's something wrong with this other person and you start tracking data, though, and you notice, oh, here are all the
facts. And then here's what this other person's doing a certain noticing what the actual behavior is, and then you're able to start stepping away from it, you can start taking a step back and say, Alright, I am actually aligned with what's real. I am actually aligned with these things that actually did
happen. And actually were said, and so when you talk about trauma, recovery, and trauma informed therapy and things like that, as the is the disconfirming events, we have this belief that there's something wrong with me and that I'm distorting everything, but then we can through journaling and recording providers of these disconfirming events, these disconfirming experiences and say, you know, what? Am I believe that? I'm, I'm the one distorting things but the facts
are, I'm not. I might believe that there's there couldn't possibly be something like that going on with this other person, my gosh, how could they possibly, but the facts, the documented recorded, tracked out patterns of facts. Give me a disconfirming experience of that. Go with the facts. Go with reality, and start pulling yourself out of that Dark Pit that these people
try to draw you into. Because what do they want to do then ultimately get down to, you know, level seven, and everything is about domination control. Basically, you get sucked into their reality, where you start affirming their distorted world as correct in order for them to feel confirmed. And the more people and close people they can draw into that very distorted weird reality it just supports their disordered reality and they will just Suck everyone in a thing into it to support themselves
and that's horrible for you. It sucks. And they're, it's awful. track data, facts, reality truth, that's what sets you free from that pit. You need to be able to just point to fact fact fact fact fact fact fact fact to set yourself free from it. And no amount of you know, feeling journaling, or affirmations or anything like that is going to set you free backs will set you free of facts themselves will affirm you, oh, I'm not making shit up, I am actually thinking right, I am actually clear on
these things. And so in the realm of post divorce, co parenting everything else, if you have noticed these patterns before, continue documenting them continue tracking out these patterns. If you have any indication that the person you're dealing with is somewhere in this gaslighting realm, if you've been able to track Oh, here are facts, and here are distortions, and oh my gosh, is this massive disparity, put everything down to writing, put everything down to data
collecting. So you can start tracking those things out over the long haul. Because what are these people going to do, they're going to file motions against you, they're gonna just make shit up about you, they're gonna just event invent all sorts of situations that never happened words and never happened to everything else, they're going to just throw it all at you through their lawyer who's probably cluster B to Let's face it, it's actually true. They'll throw all this at
you. But you're gonna have facts to be able to fall back and and be like, nope, here, all the texts here, all the emails, here's all the documentation of actual events, you know, you're not crazy. And then if you have somebody skilled at articulating that for you, they'll they'll be able to fight off hopefully fight off, you know, any kind of attack that comes from the other side is going to be very, very,
very important. So that manipulation technique, the gaslighting it doesn't end with divorce are going to continue trying it. That's why you need to just reduce everything, everything, everything, everything to writing. So there are you know, I'm sure many people who are like, Well, yeah, I'm starting now that journey, and I feel like this is going on. I feel like this and feel like everything else. If you have those concerns that this other person is actually really
jacking with your mind. And you're just quietly like, I feel like realities just being kind of twisted and distorted. Do this for a little bit. Confirm for yourself, be really brutally honest. Confirm for yourself fact from fiction. If your side is the one that's on fiction, own up to it. Yeah, let's face it, a lot of people probably do fall in that category, but just track the facts, go with the facts, even if the facts are
unflattering. But if you start seeing that the pattern is hey, this other person is really twisting stuff and the facts are completely different and I'm aligning myself with the facts get out it's not going to change it's not going to get any better. Unless again unless that's what you really want if that's how you want to spend your life and fine you know, good luck to you.
But those patterns aren't going to change so start making those preparations to get out and then after you get out you know continue tracking issues with this other person but then continue really really being diligent on your impeccability continue being diligent on building yourself with all these you know experiences self experiences of you know what I
say what I mean? I mean what I say is I'm going to do something I'm going to do it and just be very stringently stringently aligned with facts and that's going to carry yourself very very well in the into the future and if you have any kind of these like self doubts or you've been torn down by somebody trying to Gaslight you and control you It's the truth it's gonna you know, set you free from it not to sound Oh, like churchy or anything like that,
but no, no, no shit. It's like the truth is going to set you free from these things. being aligned with actual facts, in sticking with the facts. That's going to carry forward. So if you're dealing with somebody you think is gaslighting you start journaling, record stuff, track that data, track those patterns, and from the place of knowing what the facts are and then make your decisions and calls moving forward. That's what's going to
get you there. You know, journaling about feelings and just affirming yourself in the mirror that Oh, my truth is my truth in my I feel my truth. No, that's what crazy people do. That's what people who are trying to manipulate you do. That's what they say. They're allergic to facts. Stick with facts and the facts only. Again, be very scientific about it. As you move forward, continue that practice, bring it forward into everything else you
do. It's going to save you all sorts of heartache down the road is also going to be vital for your journey. Back from the pit of confusion, back into confidence and reality. I've been there. I've been through that process. These are the key key key key things to helping climb right back out of that hole into something so much