Bill is here by phone this week. Podcast recommendation: Crime Travels. We don’t know how to launder money, but we’ll figure it out. We need to come up with a family scam. The USA is like a carnival midway. Bill has another timely review - Pinocchio, the movie and the book. Mary is the Queen of Rant and Rave. Mary had a call with a very serious King County employee. We falsely accuse Mary of saying fustrating. Jaw and Toe update from Bill. Mary has a story about a cat. Kelley’s Hint List! Measur...
Aug 23, 2021•48 min
It’s another 2/3 Episode, y’all, Bill is out, but old steady Kelley is here! We’ve had a hot smoky week, and being stuck inside for just a few days has gotten to us! Kelley gives two sides to getting unsolicited comments from strangers. We get distracted by bees on the 11th floor balcony. Is a clusterfuck like an orgy, and did our grandma participate? Mary takes the critic’s side, on this week’s Reviews of Cooking Recipes segment! Did Mary go to the Beef, It’s What’s for dinner opera? There are ...
Aug 15, 2021•30 min
We’re live on scene camping this week and the crows are yelling, folks! Mary isn’t here, but we have a segment from her. Bill’s piss-toe is back, baybee! Camping without a fire and cooking while camping. We play Seattle Times Rant and Rave – which one did Mary write? What is your camping treat? Email us! Growing up with a toy store in the family. Bold chipmunks and weird stuff in your shoes. It was a short boi, see you next week! Umpire Pants Out!
Aug 09, 2021•24 min
This is the second of a double header, and it shows! Bill has MORE than three reasons he likes Kelley. Mary made muffins with real sugar and it’s the talk of the town. Should Bill get a fancy Seth Rogan gravity bong? Yes, listeners, he should. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Roshomon. Mary declares if certain movies are considered Movies or Films…and her definition of a film is interesting! Bill thinks people need to stop going to the first Starbucks and start going to the first Costco. Mary’s Whee...
Aug 03, 2021•49 min
We’re back together, and we have a new table! Mary took a re-con mission to Skippers, and didn’t really elaborate on that story. Mary has been volunteering. Bill is officially endorsing Popeye’s Chicken. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Dolly Parton. Please listen to Cash on the Barrelhead on the break today. What does your husband prefer you wear? Chef Boyardee Lasagna? Let’s make Bill try it. Mary has to RIDE in a car for four hours and is complaining. Mary’s Shitlist of the Week: Poor toe art. Em...
Jul 25, 2021•41 min
I didn’t pick a title this week, gosh darn-it, I forgot! But I’m not re-listening to find one, so you’ll have to survive with my half-hearted Oops All Berries reference, but I assure you, you’ll be fine. XOXO -Kelley It’s a Mary and Kelley Ep, but Bill will call in for a bit in the second half. We are announcing Medium Boy Summer, our episodes are going to be 45 minutes until the weather gets bad again. Kelley was a full grown adult before she knew the sport is called badminton not badmitton. Ma...
Jul 19, 2021•44 min
We’ve taken our new equipment on the road! This episode was recording outside during a family camping trip, and we took advantage of our situation and smoked a joint, so don’t get your hopes up on content. Kelley tells the tale getting trapped in a parking garage with Herman. Mary proposes a top-ten drinking episode compilation. Bill watched the Towering Inferno, so he has a timely review! Second run movies. We take a break and don’t really re-group. Kelley tries to re-light a joint about 100 ti...
Jul 12, 2021•37 min
Mary went to Portland, and Kelley and Bill decided to record remotely. The only problem was, Kelley couldn't find a decent headset, and the recording sounded too terrible to release. So please enjoy this trip down memory lane, with Episode 148 from one year ago this week.
Jul 06, 2021•1 hr 4 min
It’s Episode 200, and we discuss our Skippers plan! Elivira was in the Groundlings. Kelley’s an old lady now. The robots probably won’t take our jobs if we demand living wages. Mary has a new term for Man Caves: Bro Hole. Mary is judging your couch. We do a taste test of corn muffins. Reviews from a Skippers. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Wikipedia page for the Polari language. Is James Beard named that because he has a beard? We discuss ice cream truck songs, Turkey in the Straw, and remember th...
Jun 28, 2021•1 hr 2 min
Mary brought three reasons she likes Bill! And Kelley is still unclear about what #1 is. Kelley has three reasons she likes Bill too, but it’s not as fun because she was hoping Mary would forget and look bad. Pizza talk with Doug and Jim! Assless Chaps Update. Mary has a Pants Stance, and no surprises here, she’s being a pain in the ass about it. Mary returned some stuff for Kelley. We share stories of shoplifting. Max the Dog update: Happy Boy. What weird food have you found in bed? The Muppet ...
Jun 21, 2021•53 min
We’re back in person, and getting a cat update, live with Emmet and Cisco! Producer Felix is here to check up on up. Getting up early and late sunny nights. Is Bill the most cantankerous one in Harbor Freight? Is Kelley the older sibling now? Bill is back on his old man bullshit, and refurbishing his Weber grill. Bill brings a sincere list of reasons he likes Mary this week, did she do the same, as promised? We have new portable equipment now, so we can start planning our Skippers trip. Bill has...
Jun 13, 2021•1 hr 1 min
Well, we tried, we failed, we learned nothing along the way, and we are still mad at each other. Enjoy this weeks-long journey through the pandemic, where Mary refuses to join the herd and wear comfortable pants, Kelley desperately tries to convince her to, and Bill is just sort of amused by how it all plays out.
Jun 07, 2021•42 min
Umpire Pants is fully vaccinated and back in person! Our dad knows what’s up with pants, even though out mom ever figured it out during the pandemic. Mary still can’t think of three reasons she likes Bill. Mary has some money saving tips. Mary is annoyed by her new cats, and we talk about cats for a bit too long. The Mariners are terrible, and have been forever, and Bill wants to talk about it. Oh Word? Kelley talks about some names that have confused her. A case of mistaken identity. Reviews of...
May 31, 2021•1 hr 6 min
Kelley’s keeping Bill on his toes with false-starts today. Big news! Mary got new cats! And they’ve got some seriously Seattle names. New tattoos. We’re recording in person next week you guys!!! We have some minor tech issues, but carry on. Volcano talk and Twitter weirdos. Oh Word! Which regional term do you use? More pet talk, but it’s hose weather, so give us a break. Bill’s song pick of the week: Surfing on a Rocket by Air. We come right back from the break with a call from listener Bruce – ...
May 24, 2021•54 min
Mary wants to apologize about last week’s show. Mary and Bill are intermittent fasting and it’s going pretty well. Kelley completed an 8-week dumbbell workout, and recommends trying it if you’re interested. People are acting like idiots and causing a gas shortage. Is Mary being reckless, with her headphones in, walking downtown? Mary tried to give Kelley cabbage instead of cauliflower, and boy was something stinky! Mary is trying a tomato plant on her balcony, stay tuned to see if it gets fruit!...
May 17, 2021•56 min
This record was a real late boy! Bill is rocking the giant glasses, giant phone case look. Mary spins a confusing tale of sarsaparilla. Follow-up to Fair Talk, what should we enter in the State Fair? We get our first caller – listener Bruce has a deal for Mary! Mary can’t comprehend keeping Kleenex in the back window of a car. Car talk. Max the dog has neighborhood friends. Mary sent Kelley a weird photo today. Puce Pants Pants Stance: We’re Done. Mary’s Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Recipes from ...
May 10, 2021•46 min
Mary wants to start the show mid-argument, so let’s go! We’ve messed up Mother’s day with our vaccine schedules. We’re not saving Mary if she joins a cult. Ween update! Mary wants us to all enter something in the fair, and boy are we excited! Bill’s jaw pain is better! Kelley turns down a dinner date. Bill’s exciting for camping season, and we talk about car tents. Is Kelley having a midlife crisis, or did she just dye her hair and start a new hobby the same week? We get a Pants Stance and Stair...
May 03, 2021•1 hr 1 min
It’s Episode Pants! Kelley got a vaccine appointment closer to home, so she’s not going the Super Mall. Why does Costco sell bear spray here? Mary has tales of self checkout. Good packaging alert – Crutchfield! Styrofoam cooler ban in Washington State and a possible cooler hack. Bill’s worried his UW sweatshirt is giving people the wrong idea. We have an exciting stair update guys! Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Friday Night Dinner (that’s two Umpire Pants recommendations for this show, now guys)....
Apr 25, 2021•1 hr 3 min
It’s spring cleaning time, and Mary is throwing hers on the street. We’ve got some more vaccine appointments, folks, so we’re getting jacked for hugs. Bill goes scrappin’ and gets a new grill, what a dude! Remember Betty’s Burgers in Seattle? Excessive packaging is infuriating, and Bill reiterates that he’s a teriyaki whale who doesn’t like styrofoam. Pressure Cooker of the Week: Bluetooth headphones. Reviews of Cooking Recipes: Pizza. Nextdoor Update: Intense wildlife edition. Pants Stance: are...
Apr 19, 2021•54 min
Kelley bleeps herself right off the bat today, rather than risk using an offensive term. (The video game Kelley referenced was Diablo III guys, but I’m sure you could tell from her description.) Do we need a weed tolerance break? Stair Update: 19! How do we feel about Hulk Hogan? We’re scared of him, okay? Mary has beef with Spotify and it’s causing multi-day fights in her household. Mary is back with her Fully Vaccinated Adventures and a trip to her favorite bar. Pants Stance? Mary hates Puce. ...
Apr 12, 2021•1 hr 1 min
Did we start beef with Mr. Curtis James Jackson III? We’re pretty tired of wearing masks, but glad Bill doesn’t have to shave in the bathroom at work. Mary doesn’t think The Rock is handsome or charismatic! Mary tries to talk Bridgerton with people who don’t watch it. We talk way too long about a terrible dog grooming show. The Mariners Home Opener happened, and we remember an old classic from the team. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Another family member getting vaccinated and some hope for summe...
Apr 05, 2021•54 min
Bill is back from camping. RIP Borracchini's Bakery. Mary has donut troubles. Suburban pickup drivers. We get a barefoot jeans wearing stair update. Is our dad a natural at meditating? Check out Crime Travel Podcast! Mary got into some trouble with regular (not light) beer. We have a new Oh Word segment: Why are doctors called quacks? Kelley has a very specific Seattle gripe involving the Pike Place Market. We read some Recipes from First Graders! Kelley’s Hint List! Oil your vacuum ball bearing...
Mar 28, 2021•1 hr 4 min
Bill’s away man camping, but we have listener Juniper here! We get right into it with a Pants Stance: still not great! Sloth puns. Spring is here! Mary’s been out on the town since she’s fully vaccinated. Mary’s old hobby of getting mad at restaurants is back. Dive bars. Mary made a weird cake, and even she isn’t sure why, but she had an interesting trip to a specialty store. Goldfish Update! The return of Beat You to the Punchline! Juniper has a review of a mediocre horror movie. Reviews of Coo...
Mar 21, 2021•1 hr
Bill is back! Kelley’s sound is up on her phone, but you can’t hear it so it doesn’t count! We have a weed store story. Bill talks about his liquid diet and self-oiling. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Styptic Pencils, try them instead of socks to stop the bleeding! Stair Update – not great. Pants Stance update, we’ve got a Pants Grant! There is no such thing as a free boat! We have an email from Herman! We discuss Kelley’s Dinners for Winners list and her preschool-ass meal. Umpire Pants Podcast’s...
Mar 15, 2021•1 hr 2 min
It’s a Mary and Kelley short boy today! Can Kelley do a Bill Clinton impression? Mary and Russ now how both vaccines! Mary bought a $15 shirt, but she still hates shopping. We get a good stair update. New month, new page from Mary’s Maxine calendar! We get a Pants Stance update – is Kelley’s quest to get Mary into some comfortable pants gaining any ground? Kelley has a Goldfish Plant update. Mary talks about that shitty pastor who thinks women should work on their looks to please their husbands....
Mar 07, 2021•36 min
We are off to a rough start, tech-wise, but don’t worry, we have two laptops die during the recording of this one and still managed to get through it. Can Mary remember what she likes about Kelley? We get a Pants Stance update. What kind of hi-jinks deserve a rolling pin to the head, Andy Capp style? All the white guy podcasters are re-watching The Sopranos, and Bill’s tired of it. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Bridgerton. Kelley brings some Lassie facts to the table and we discuss dog books. Kel...
Feb 28, 2021•58 min
Listener Vera is here! We discuss legal weed in Canada and try to figure out what’s up with the song Sugar Shack. Our audio gets totally out of whack, but that’s okay, Mary was just retelling a boot story (and I put it at the end so you can see the disaster unfold in real-time). Mary is getting her second vaccine this weekend, and it brings up the question, who does she visit first? Did we do anything for Valentine’s Day? Do we ever? Vera tells a story from childhood that just might be the perfe...
Feb 22, 2021•1 hr 2 min
Bill got some homemade gnocchi and we talked about potatoes. We get a pants update from Mary. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Getting rid of old clothes and running into people you know. We recap the Superbowl, talk about commercials, and Bruce Springsteen vs. Larry the Cable Guy. We expand the Oh Word segment to quotes from books. Memories from Ross Dress for Less. Mary has a story about running into Sherrie, cat cremation, and expired food. Kelley wants to talk about Bob Newhart some more. Recipe...
Feb 14, 2021•1 hr 2 min
I’m releasing this early so you can speed-listen and get our Super Bowl predictions! We discuss the Super Bowl and food. Mary infuriates Kelley and Bill with her stance on hard pants when she needs to just wear a god damned track suit. Mary describes a hat. Kelley’s Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Cozecore Pants from Old Navy. What to do with a religious keepsake you don’t want? We predict the Super Bowl score. Goldfish Plant Update! Bill has some thoughts on Groundhog Day. RIP to the very best kit...
Feb 07, 2021•53 min
The rock tumbler update you’ve all been waiting for! Cutting our own hair during the pandemic. Bill had the ultimate bad start to the day. We brag about our state’s legal weed, again, and try to get a sponsorship going. Making an everyday activity your hobby. We get an impressive stair update! Guess what celebrities has Mary been compared to? Motivational speakers and cults. Kelley remembers a poor solution to a 6th grade problem. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Rock Auto and their helpful website ...
Feb 01, 2021•59 min
