If You Were Sent This, Please Listen - Part 1

gift. And she deserves it. She deserves that person. Your kids deserve that person. You deserve that person.

pumped. First day of Halloween. Halloween season is a big deal for us. It was the first holiday we got to celebrate together when we first moved in. Yeah. And it's just become our thing ever since. Yeah. So this morning, our son got me up early. He's like, we're going to the storage unit. And we're getting the decorations, and we're dragging them out. So I've been doing that. And it's just it's been a joy. It's been awesome. Yeah. pumped. You've got some Halloween gear on? Yes, as do I actually.

it out. And like I honestly, I probably would have to Yeah, at some point in my life, I would have gotten this and been like, oh, yeah, listen, that was cool. And just thumbs up and send it back, whatever. But I'm pretty self aware. I know how I appear to people. But I want you to know a couple things like I am not some bubbly Instagram want

to be model bro. I'm not some motivational preacher, speaker that, read a couple of books and what's some classes and you know, invested in the art of like motivating people, I'm none of those things. I'm none of those things. I'm an ex drug addict, an alcoholic. I'm not trying to sell you anything. I'm a hope dealer. That's what I am. If I'm anything, I'm not trying to convert you to any religion or any program. All I'm doing is

sharing my experience. And if it resonates with you, maybe you can see for one second that we are not too different. And that maybe you can see that if I did it. You could do it too. Why not me? It's a beautiful thought, isn't it? Yeah, why not? Me if this this jackwagon did it then maybe I could too. But I understand the hesitancy I understand what's going on. At this point in your life. There's a lot of fear wrapped up that a lot of people don't discuss

around sobriety. Like if when you were telling me like you need to quit drinking. I'm looking at that as control first of all, but then in the back of my mind what I'm not sharing with you is like man, life would suck if I couldn't drink. You would be awful. I would be bored out of my freakin mind. Like, I were told you to stop drinking. Well, you know what I mean? Like, if there were ever arguments around my drinking could see Yeah, it was okay. It was always in the back of the

back of my mind. I thought life was gonna be boring as hell, I'd never laugh again. I'd never hang out my friends again. I'd never be able to go to see a live concert. I'd never be able to golf or fish. I'd never be able to watch a football or baseball game ever again. Vacations would be hell on earth. Sex would be boring. You name it, like I had every fear wrapped up around it because alcohol to me was the conduit to

good times. Right? Like it was the, at the very least a good time had to include a buzz or I wasn't having a good time. And I also figured that I'd probably be bitter forever. Because they can I can't that sucks. Life is awful. I thought that that was going to be going on. I thought that I would be Oh yeah. And I thought that I would be incredibly awkward. And that I would also sort of carry around like this failure within me like I'd never be comfortable not drinking because it would mean I

was a failure as a man. Wow. So there's a lot of insecurities wrapped up in it that I didn't ever talk about with anybody. But those things, all the fears I just mentioned, that could not be further from the truth, have more joy in my life today, more passion than I've ever had more intimacy and closeness and my relationships that I've ever had. And I'm not gonna lie to you, it wasn't like this right away. Those first 90 days were actually hell on earth. And that first year was incredibly

difficult. Yeah, it's really, really, really tough. There's a lot of things changing within you, as you stop taking the substance and your brain is healing and your emotions are just all over the place. The relationships are not the greatest. So there's going to be some tension, some things that someone maybe wants to discuss about what's happened, and you're just not ready for it. And I totally get it, I understand. But on the other side of that is beauty like

you've never known. And it's unlikely that I'm going to say anything today that's going to make you go Oh, my God, I've never looked at it that way before because generally, we're not dumb people. I'm talking about people that abuse substances in some way. We're not dumb people. I've met doctors, lawyers, judges, pilots, academics, PhDs, Master's levels, master level people, like master's degrees, CEOs, VPS. Politicians, I mean, you name it. It affects

everyone. It does not discriminate, but I've never met anyone that was too dumb to get sober. But I've met more people than I can count that were too smart. Yes, over Yeah. Like, no, you don't get me. I'm smart, I can figure this out. So just listen, for just a moment, as I kind of walked through this stuff. And I promise you, it'll be worth your time at the end. If anything, it will have given you some perspective that you didn't have before. This last year, my wife and I have learned

a lot about your partner. A ton. Actually, we started our journey together. 22 years ago, we've been together since we were 14 years old. I think it's 22 years, I always lose tracks 22 or 23. I

He's unstable. He's all over the place like intimacy. And I don't just mean sexual intimacy. I mean, like closeness within the relationship was gone. We were just roommates at one point. And life was, it was just not what I remember looking in the mirror one day, I was like, This is not what I intended. Yeah, I always thought that I would grow out of it. I always thought there'd be some event that occurred in my life that got me sober. And all those events came and went and

nothing ever changed. Like graduating college didn't do it, getting married, didn't do it, having kids didn't do it. You know, starting new companies, all this stuff like these big events that you would think would be life changing. Like in the moment, I'm a little excited about it. But then nothing changes. I'm still the same guy, I'm watching life pass me by. And I had this moment suddenly, where I was like, I can't be doing this anymore, checks into

a treatment center. And then this last 10 years, I've been sober. And we have been working through a lot of the stuff that we went through. There's so much trauma that takes place inside of a relationship when you're on drugs and alcohol all the time that we don't realize. And so we spent the last year talking with your spouse's and having them share their experiences stuff that when I was in your position, I didn't know what's

going on. I had no clue. I was just unaware, I was unaware that I was causing damage to anybody. But I want to I want you to know something is that your partner loves you dearly. And you don't deserve it. Based on what I've heard. And that's great. And that's a beautiful thing. Yeah. So it's not done, there's still a chance. I hope that someone hears that and goes, Okay, so what do I need to do? Yeah. And so that's where we can get

started. And I just wanna let you know that you've got someone amazing that sent this to you. And I also know that all this stuff that goes on behind the scenes, takes a toll and you're good credit does have an expiration date. It has an expiration date. Yeah. So I didn't make this up actually got this from a doctor friend of mine, a medical doctor. He he said he would spend years and years and years with patients who had some kind of usually

with heart troubles. I think that he did a lot of cardio type stuff, cardiovascular stuff. And he would tell them, he would look at their blood work and be like, Oh my God, this guy is like a walking ball of cholesterol, his blood pressures through the roof. He's 100 pounds overweight and he would tell them you need to lose weight, or else you're gonna die and people just kind of look at you and You know, I know. And then they would come back in the ER, you know, with a heart

attack six months later. And he's like, why don't they listen? Like I told him this would happen? Like, why aren't they listening? So then he did something a little bit different. He appealed to people's human side, the emotional side and started to get better results out of his patients. I've done the same thing. And this is what I'm going to do here. So 75% of people with a substance abuse disorder are men. That's just statistically speaking. So chances are most of the people

that were sent this are men. But this goes both ways. This goes for women as well. There are a lot of same sex partners that deal with this. It's all over. It's all over the place. Right? So but I'm going to be speaking to men, primarily, because that's typically what I normally do when I work with people in recovery is I'm working with men one on one. And that's your experience, too. Yeah, this has been my experience. So I can only speak to that. Right? Right. So I'm going to appeal to

that. For men with daughters Listen up, I want you to know that in the not too distant future, there's going to be another man walking your daughter down the aisle, to give her away to her husband. And let that resonate for just a second, there's going to be another man, not you walking that beautiful girl down the aisle, he's going to turn her over to her husband, she's going to turn around and give him a kiss, she's going to smile, and thank him, because you won't be there. Either. You

didn't make it out alive. Or you burn the bridge so bad, that you're not welcome at that ceremony. I have seen this play out more times than I can count. And I've got a little girl. And when she was born, I was never more grateful. Because I had the opportunity to show her what a man should be. I thought that my daughter was going to get me sober. I thought that when she was born, that was going to be the thing that rocketed me into the next dimension. And I will start living the life that I

always intended. But when she was born, I don't need to tell you how stressful kids are. Yeah, you're going to sleep less than ever. It's going to be incredibly mad around the house. And you're probably going to use more, which is what I did. Yeah, our most difficult Yeah, it was horrible. My use was all time bad. But when she was born, I remember looking at her. And there's a picture of this of me staring at her and she's staring back at me, we both have the

same smile on our face. Like, and I'm just like, Man, this is, this is an opportunity for me to show to impact a life, to change a life to show her. She doesn't have to tolerate bs off of anybody that she can do anything she wants in this world. Yep, that was going to be my opportunity as a father, that is such an opportunity and a responsibility that we carry. So if you've got a little girl that should hit, you've got an opportunity to model the qualities that one day she will

look for in her partner. Yeah. So you get a chance to be soft when needed. And you get a chance to be hard at other times, and show her when each of those is appropriate. You get to validate her feelings and let her know that she's safe when she's hurting. And you get to show her how not to take shit off of anybody that doesn't think she can do things that quote unquote women are supposed

to do. But I just I want guys to realize that if you've got a little girl around the house, she's watching the way that you interact with her mother 100%. She is watching that as the example. And you're lying yourself if you think that alcohol isn't affecting your presence and the way that you show up. So maybe you can look at your use and say, well, it's not that bad. I'm not always drunk. But are you your best? Are you your absolute best at

all times? No, factually, no. Objectively, no, you are not. You're not your best. You're just not. And I know how that feels to hear that. Because I'm pretty convinced I was great at what I did when I was drinking. But on the other side of it, I can tell you that I'm not my best. Yeah. So it is a huge responsibility. Within the relationship you have with your partner. That's the example that she will see your daughter will see when she sees how you talk

and how you fight. That's maybe the most important what are fights like? You can we like my wife and I we have some heated arguments at times. But the way that we handle it, we don't throw things we don't cuss at each other. We don't call each other nasty names. We don't be little each other. It doesn't get physical. We handle things like adult and we make apologies and the kids see that stuff. We model healthy behaviors. That's the responsibility of being a

father. That's what being a man is about if you've got a daughter in your house, and for those of you with sons, let's say that you've just got a house full of sons and God bless if you do it's probably their little we had we had our son had a friend over last night and like it's the most they're they're so disgusting. They're so disgusting, gross, they will fart on each other and just think that is the funniest thing

your day was. That doesn't fly anymore that sailed long ago. Here's the problem. We didn't get the memo. Yeah. So we've got to be more well rounded. As men. masculinity in the face of it has changed, but many men have not. We weren't told we had to. All we've ever been told was it's your job to go to work and provide? Yeah, we were never it was never really explained to us. Hey, things have changed a little bit. I don't know women are challenging y'all now. Well,

yeah. But as men, we're not having these real conversations about what it is to be a man what it is to be masculine. We think it's, you know, be intimidating, be mean and go to work. That's, I don't know, isn't that kind of sums up the definition of like what a male has been? Yeah, like aggressiveness, risk taking behaviors and provide Yeah, but

it's so much more than that. Be well rounded, be able to lift weights, read books, know about great poetry, have a killer instinct, did business, show up authentically validate, and empathize with the feelings of others, and be able to defend yourself and your family with needed all at once? Yes, that encompasses what we're looking for today. This is this is

what's required of men today. So if no one told you, I'm telling you now, but if you're a one dimensional male raising a one dimensional male, then we're all in trouble. Yeah, the definition of masculinity is changing. And we have to keep up. And just like you are the role model to your daughter to what her future husband will be your your son's role model. I'm sure that you've got a few highlight moments where you're playing catch in the backyard like we all do. But what about an average day or

night? What about the fights where you come home, and you've had one too many, and something gets thrown or you scream, or you lose your mind? Or you're short tempered? They remember that stuff a lot more than they do playing catch with you out back. Yeah, that's the stuff they remember. They remember the lying, the cheating, the dishonesty, all that stuff? They will model that behavior. Little kids are sponges. Yes,

together. I'm telling you, you have an amazing person in your life, and you're letting a liquid get in between you and the greatest thing that could ever happen to you. When you put it in those terms. It is it's just a liquid. It's a liquid in a bottle. Yeah. And somehow that, that gets in the way of everything that we dream that gets in the way of the things that we wanted to do when we were little kids growing up at some point, a little liquid. But it's just It's heavier than that

man. And I know it's tough for spouses to, to hear that. But like I'm here as an advocate for spouses and partners, but I'm also going to advocate what it's like to be an alcoholic or an addict for a moment. Because it ain't easy. It ain't just the liquid. It's so much more than that. At some point, I just didn't feel comfortable in my skin and and realized that if I drank alcohol, all the stress would just melt away. If I took a drug all the stress would just melt away. And I felt like a

million bucks. I could handle any problems. Stuff just kind of rolled off my shoulders, man, it was easy. And like those first, I don't know, dozen or so times. It worked. And I didn't have any consequences. I was like, I'll just do this from now on like, this is simple. I see everyone else doing it. What's the problem? Because drinking become it's become so acceptable. It's become so freakin acceptable just to come home.

out loud. Is that the the guarantee the guarantee of it all? I love that no matter what happened that day. Inside of that bottle was a guarantee that I would feel exactly how I want To feel, yeah, I couldn't control the world on an average day, I couldn't control that, you know, some of my customers were gonna say, Get out of here, I don't want anything to do with you anymore. Now I got tough decisions to make, I couldn't

control. The fact that you know, someone got an accident and made me an hour and a half late made me look like an idiot like that stuff in each of those events, leaves feelings that I didn't really know how to deal with the stress, the anxiety and all that stuff, man. But if I knew if I got drunk, I knew exactly how I feel. And it was exactly what I was after. just numb to it all. Nice and easy, easygoing, I'm happy now. I love the guarantee

of it all. It's just, I just, I love that if there was a pill they sold that would just guaranteed easy emotions, I would have done that. But it just happened to be alcohol. But anyway, um, if you're just starting your life together, that was kind of our story. So I started using before kids, and then use for a short period of time with our daughter, she was nine months old when I finally

got sober. So I've had over 10 years now and in that time, my wife and I have become as close as two people can possibly be like, she is my ride or die. And she would do anything for me. I mean, anything, but I almost lost it all. I was taking on an average day, 20 pills per day, just to get by. And that's not to, like have a great time and not often, you know, look high. That's just to get by so I didn't get sick. 60 pills on a bad day, drinking daily smoking.

At one point, I think you thought that I was the man that you had always dreamed of. And then something happened. And suddenly now it's your worst nightmare. Yeah, like I was lying to you. I convinced you that you were crazy in arguments and that you were the one with the problem. Yeah, I talked down to you, I made you feel like you were two inches tall. And like for what? What was all that for? Two different. My fragile ego

was at stake. That's what it was, I couldn't possibly be wrong, I couldn't be the problem. Because that means I have to look at myself for a second. And I can't point out your faults. I have to just look at my own in it in a vacuum and say, what's going on with me? It's a scary thing to do. And like I said, like, as men generally, or anyone who's masculine, you don't. We're not taught how to do this stuff. Like I'm not saying it's an excuse. But consider the fact that we've never really been

taught how to do this. Yeah, we were taught by a generation that literally told us to rub dirt on it. Get over it. Yeah, like from a very young age. I was smacked for crying. Right. That's, that's how we dealt with stuff. You know, that's how we dealt with stuff. You get hit harder. I'll give you something to cry about. These are things we stayed a little boys. And that stuff. We grew up to be men. Some of that stuff has a place don't get me wrong, like I'm not totally like, Oh, you poor baby.

Like my son stuff just told the other night, came downstairs limp and like carry struggle in the 1996 Olympics. Like his foot was about to fall off. And I was like, bro, you have to suck it up a little bit. I know that hurts. We don't need the theatrics. Right? He kind of looked at me. Like, what? Yeah, get upstairs, you're fine. There's a balance. Here is what I mean. But this is how we were treated all the time. All the time. Yeah, there was just Yeah, anything and one extreme or the

other is not good. Yeah. But anyway, um, my was defending my fragile ego. Anytime I was acting like a fool. And I couldn't look my own actions in the face. I couldn't look myself in the mirror for what I really was. I was everything I swore I would never be at one point. And I realized that like in one of my lucid moments, I'm like, Oh, crap. And then I realized that you weren't trying to control my life, you were trying to save it. I'm not saying that. You didn't have things to work on.

And like, that's the biggest backlash I get from people who are in addiction when their spouses are telling them like you need to stop this. The first thing they do is tell them, You're just as bad. You do this, you you yell, you're, you know, you're, you're unstable, you're depressed. You've got your own stuff. And sometimes they'll go as far as to say, You're the reason I do all this stuff. Man. Bullshit. Bull. Stop. No, that's not true. And we both know that. Yeah, you are not. You're not

that flexible. You know what I mean? Like, you are not that moldable. Yeah, like, these are people I know. You're strong people. We are strong people. And we go to the beat of our own drum typically, like those are convenient excuses when you want to get someone off your back. But that's not the truth. I know that you did have things to work on. Yeah, but they paled in comparison to what I had to work on. I mean, it was tiny. Yeah,

your stuff was tiny. And to be honest, I cost a lot of the stuff that you that I have problems with, right? Like, oh, you're always depressed. Why do you think that is smart? Have you know could it be?

today. And what you'll come to see is that a lot of people you have problems with around you suddenly get better as soon as you do, which is a tongue in cheek way saying that we are the problem all along. Yeah. I hear that all the time. It's like, Dude, my wife is like, she's getting better. Like, my boss is nicer. Like, everything's better. I'm like, oh, that's one

next great thing. And she's like, that one's got potential, I can see it in him. If he would just do XYZ, everything would be right. And she's right. You've got to know that. There's benefit in you listening to that message, believing that message and doing the same thing, because that was my life for a long time. My wife was telling me things like you're a leader. I'm like, how you talk. I'm I'm

not a leader. Yeah, she's like, you're denying that credible, like, I can see you speaking to people one day, like, you're inspirational. Like, I'm like, what you're getting the stuff you saw in me, I couldn't see it myself, because I didn't have a good self esteem. Now, I didn't feel great about myself. I would pretend I did. Like that whole, like narcissist persona we put on but that wasn't real. It's

all fake. It's fodder. That's just, that's for images and stuff, you know, but deep down, I didn't believe any of that stuff. But that's a gift if someone believes in you. And that's a gift. And she deserves it. She deserves that person. Your kids deserve that person. You deserve that person that right there. You deserve it. You need to be that person to life is so much better. And I just I

want to get that out there. I generally shy away from saying direct things like this because I never want someone to stumble across our content, like the their darkest moment and feel like they're left out or that this message was too harsh, when they just needed someone to be gentle. But it's like so be like, I have a little bit of edge in me. And this is just what I believe this is why I feel canceled me whatever it just this is these are the facts right

benefit analysis. So let's say that you wanted to buy a new software and the new software was $100,000. This new software over the course of three years would increase your productivity and you would make an extra $300,000 minus the cost of the software unit. 200 grand Yeah, it's a good decision. That's the cost benefit analysis, the cost is worth the benefit. When it comes to alcohol. I have yet to see someone present to me a cost benefit analysis that explains

why people stick to this. Wow, it doesn't make any sense. Right? So what does it actually provide you like think about it for a moment? What is it actually providing you? And let's run a cost benefit analysis on it for a moment. What's the cost? What's it going to cost? What what are you buying family problems? Sometimes you give up your freedom DWIs DUIs, domestic disputes, where alcohol was involved, and suddenly you are on probation or you have lost

freedoms. Yeah, that is a real cost that a lot of people deal with jobs. How many times have you not come to work been fired? And you think it's your boss's fault? Alcohol was really at the bottom of it? Or where are you in your company right now? Compared to where you could be if you gave it 100%? Or What business did you not start? Because you just can't get right. Yeah, think of that.

That's a cost. All the missing potential those things we talked about the things the qualities that people see in you that you know, were deep down there somewhere that you're just not getting NAFTA because it's easier to get drunk today. Yeah, that's a cost. How about hangovers mood I am grateful that I have never had to experience a hangover my late 30s. But I hear they're awful. You know about that page? Yes.

you do you drink? You're just it's just like paying on a credit card. It's one day you got to pay that debt. Yeah, you got to pay it off one day. And when you don't, and you keep putting it off, putting it off, get drunk putting it off, you get what's called the rest of development. Your your development has been a rested, it has stopped it has seized Yeah. When I got sober at 27. I was the same dude. I was when I was like 17 Oh, yeah, mentally,

you know, for sure I was. I hadn't really gone through anything in those 10 years, I was just drinking. So I didn't know how I didn't know how to adult. I didn't know how to deal with anger or sadness, or depression, or any of these things. I had no clue. That's a cost, divorced, another cost loss of custody of your kids. Another cost, financial consequences. All the great decisions we make when we're drinking are all the money that

we spent on it. How many 10s of 1000s of dollars have been spent on booze? Yeah. So that you can just disappear. It's insane to think about, how about all the angst and drama that comes with it now. So why do people do this? Right, right, aside from the fact that it's an addictive substance, and it does hijack the mind. We're going to talk about what's really behind it. And this is my experience and the experience of people that I've worked with. It's just a cheat code to relax. That's what

drugs and alcohol really are. At the end of the day. They're a cheat code to relax. It's the fastest way to get from I'm uncomfortable to I'm good. Yeah, it's boom, instant, right? Yeah, it's so it's barely it's also a lazy solution for boredom. Yes. So it's a cure for boredom for many people. Yep. It's an instant cure for awkwardness. It's literally a crutch. And it's not the fun thing it used to be because that has long since passed. But we just described some of the massive

costs versus the benefits. Now most Okay, and here's here's another screwed up part. Is that the great obsession of every abnormal drinkers to think that one day you can drink like other people? Yeah, it's to remember and romanticize those handful of times that you got it just right. And like, man, remember that time we had two glasses of wine, and we watched the sunset, and that was just perfect. At some point, you crossed an invisible line, and there ain't no going back. Yeah, we're all

born cucumbers. Drugs and alcohol. Turnus into Pickles. Pickles can't go back to being cucumbers. Like if you think you're going to try to control this deal. You're in for a long ride. Yeah, I'm sure that people have learned and figured it out. I'm not gonna say no one has I've yet to see anyone do it, though. But I've seen more people I can count try. Yeah. And they end up right back. absolutely miserable to ask kicked again. Go on what just happened? Man, everything's good

for a week. Now. It's not. But it's yeah, we want to we want to romanticize those one or two times and things which is great. It's like that's, that's what I'm after. That's gone. Man. That's gone. That ship sailed. It's long since past that. Remember the costs? Look at the costs. So what are some of the benefits? Okay, we get rid of our crutch. How about just some of the health benefits? Your

bloodwork? bloodwork looks good, all of a sudden, they're not saying hey, what's up with your liver, your filter is giving out on you, dude, weight loss, you sleep better? Stress levels regulate. Normally, your emotions regulate, you actually have increased in gray matter in your brain, you increase the amount of synapses and neural connections in your mind when

you remove alcohol. Yeah, like they say that addiction is disease because it changes the function of the brain, which is true up until a certain point, because people recovered, they can go back, they do brain scan on you before you ever drink. measure how much gray matter you have in your brain. Then you use for an extended period of time, years and years of addiction. Yeah, you will those areas become inactive. They are dead. They're gone. So we look at that. And we say all right,

well, what's the point? I'm just screwed, and you can damage it to the point where you can't regenerate but the brain is amazing. Yeah, they've done studies on people who have been sober for over a year and found that the amount of gray matter in their brain has increased beyond even levels before they started. Sometimes in cases, too. Here's the percentages points like 10 1215 20%. So more, it's insane. Yeah, you can teach yourself how to get through this. It's possible.

It's possible. And then when you do that, all kinds of great things happen. Your relationships improve, therefore, your stress is relieved even more. Your skin gets better. It's just it's amazing. Yeah, it's absolutely amazing. Its benefits. Yeah, like the the health benefits and then the relationship benefits. Oh, my God, like, go back and listen to our episodes. There's plenty I'm like, we're by no means like a model for like, hey, just be like us. But I think we've got a pretty healthy

freakin marriage. Yeah, healthy relationships. In general, I have intimacy in all of my relationships, close people. I don't have a lot of just little acquaintances because I don't have small talk stuff anymore. Like I'm, I want to know what's going on with people. I want to learn from them. I want to figure out how you fixed your problems, and see how I can apply that to my life. I want to know what's going on with you. I want to peel back the onion. You know? I'll come back to that the

onion thing. It's just, you'll see, it'll run feels full circle here. Okay. Like, what does it really entail? Right? Because I think a lot of people think about sobriety, they're like, man, what's the point? Like, that sounds lame. You don't want to do that. Let's throw aside everything you think you know about it and just talk about some of the things that occur. When we are covered? Once we've gotten better. Okay. You're going to act your age to degree I will always be I don't know, I

think I do this more. It's just a personality thing. Like I've always kind of just like, middle fingers to the establishment. Oh, yeah, that's just part of you. But I've grown up to the point where I can act my age, and then some Yeah, carry on conversation. Gosh, I can handle situations that used to just throw me for a loop. I can talk to other people who are experiencing hardships and help them get through it. I've grown up. And I've I've really gained

a sense of accountability. Yeah, then maybe the biggest game changer for relationship. Your spouse is probably drawn to us or your partner is drawn to us because I'm a guy that talks about the accountability necessary to work on a marriage after the the toughest part for someone. Because think about accountability, that's tricky is that asking someone to take accountability is not ready is going to feel like an attack to

them. They're gonna think you're attacking them and like, You're belittling them, and you're, you're talking down on them, and you're shaming them and all that stuff, like, the Piper has to get paid eventually. And I've done that now. But in doing that, and validating your experiences and taking accountability for them, you can now look yourself in the mirror and be like, I knew I wasn't crazy. My gut intuition is correct. And that empowers you. Yep. which then in turn makes

the relationship better. Yeah. So accountability is something I learned through this process. Yeah, to validate people's emotions. I used to be a fixer. Males are typically like, we're taught to be fixers. If someone has a problem. It's your job to fix it. No, it's not. It's not your job to fix every problem. Nope. It's your job to validate people's experiences, though. Just let them know that this it's okay to have those emotions. It's okay to feel that way. You're safe. I understand.

It's all you have to say. Yeah, people are smart, they will figure these things out. And if they want advice, they'll ask for it. Right? They're not you don't need unsolicited, then you become like the preacher guy. You thought I was yeah, no, I'm not. Yes. Where? I became honest. Yeah. Oh, my gosh, brutally honest. This is just who I am. I'm not going to pretend to do anything. Yeah, I'm just gonna be honest. And then I learn to ask for help

myself. There was, you know, there were times where I didn't know how to handle a problem. I started asking for help. I looked out for others, or looked out to others and say, hey, you've been through this. How did you do that? And that's so hard to do for us. Man, that's hard. We were not taught to do that. Taught, just push that crap down and figure it out? Yeah. We don't ever talk about it, unless we're drunk. Which is another reason I think a lot of men like that, because it helps

open up. But otherwise, that's true. Some of the challenges that many people encounter in early recovery is that you can't fix all your problems with the same brain that created them. Oh, yeah. Like your best thinking got us here. So we're gonna have to take some advice from the outside. Yeah. Which is tough. Like I said, like, I'd like to just explain why that's tough. And it is tough to and there's more than one way to skin this cat, right? Like, I'm not

sitting here. I personally got sober through a 12 step program. But I've known people that got sober and many other ways. Like there's a new one I'm reading about called Rational recovery, which is nothing more than changing your behaviors, understanding that you have an addictive voice that lives within you, that wants to drive the behavior of addiction, and it's a matter of identifying that thing, taking new behaviors, and over time, you can fix it. There are medical

cures, not cures. There are medical solutions, I guess treatments for this. Now, Trek's own village drawl and abuse are all drugs that can give to alcoholics, drug addicts to control, compulsive behavior. Suboxone methadone or for opiates, there's there are ways right there are also other programs refuge recovery, smart recovery, life ring, and I'm forgetting several, but there are a million different ways you can just run the course of therapy. There are solutions. Yeah, they all involve asking

for help, though. And they all write ideas that come from the outside,

that. I would never. It's crazy, though. Why not? Why not? There are solutions out there. There are people with great ideas. There are lots of smart ideas and books you've never read. Yeah, Riedel watch it. Take this in Listen, there are wonderful ideas and ways to make changes on your terms. But just understand that if your goal is ultimately to be able to keep drinking, just learn how to do it, like a gentleman that's probably going to go poorly. And you can come back to me and say,

I'm wrong. But I'm not seeing this fail more times than I can count. If you figure it out, you will be a millionaire. Because everyone will want to know how you did. And that's true. Another challenge is that like, at some point, the rubbers gonna meet the road. And this gets really, really, really, really hard. Something will happen, you'll have a death in your family, you'll have Yeah, you'll get fired from a job, everything will fall, it will happen, life

will happen, man. And in those moments, the first thing you will want to do is what you used to do, which is just get drunk. Yeah. I'm just gonna encourage you to do something different talk, somebody feel that stuff. It's okay. Like, you have to want it for you as well, which is a tough I think a lot of people get desperate because their spouse has become educated and empowered. And they're like, You know what, I'm not going to do this anymore. And they leave. Yeah. Now, now they get

desperate. I want my wife back. I want my wife back. Okay, what happens if she never comes back? What happens? She never comes back? Well, then I'm probably not going to stay sober. Well, you're doing it for the wrong reasons, then. Because you're never going to do the work required how hard this stuff is, if it's not for you, and all the things that she saw on you, the incredible person that you are deep down in their past this addictive personality can only be found through self discovery.

You can't do it for someone else. It's got to be for you. Another thing I see a lot is the spouse will be drinking. Yeah, it's like when the spouse drinks. Yeah, well, you can't do that. Yeah, no, she can they can he can. They haven't lost a privilege to chemical peace of mind right there you have Paige drinks like a normal person. Would you have like a margarita and half last night? Yes. And I threw away half of the rest of it. Which in my opinion, is alcohol abuse? Yes.

all. I don't want any part of it. I'm very much enjoy the way I feel today. I wouldn't trade it for anything. But you know, the benefits to all this. We've talked about some of them. But literally, everything gets better. And that's tongue in cheek. So true. We get better. Everything just gets better. But I participate my life today I gave up control of everyone and everything around me in life got easier. I'm not saying like, yeah, like a bill comes in. I'm gonna pay it right. Not like

that. Yeah, not that extreme. But if someone's acting a fool, and it's nothing I've done done to cause it. I just detach myself from it. Yeah, I'm looking involved in that you can't afford the rent in my head. Dude, I'm not giving you that. You're not getting that space in my mind that came as a result of this just giving up control and I don't have fear of everything anymore. I have more time now than I've ever dreamed of. I take risks still, but

they're calculated risks. Yeah, they're not just like stupid risks. You know, I asked for help. I have close friendships based on real stuff. And I think possibly the most the biggest thing is I'm useful to other people now and I have purpose. Yeah, I'm just bringing home a check. Like, hey, I paid the bills today. That's it. No, I I'm a person today I'm living my life. I'm living my best life. I'm living the life I was always intended to live And the sky's the limit. It's gonna get better

than this. It can keep getting better, but the other shoe doesn't have to fall. Yeah. And I've never sworn off of it forever. Don't. That's another big one that a lot people will hear. And it's like, never again, I can never have another beer again. I don't even go that far my little hamster brain can handle today. I know I'm not drinking today. So someone that and someone asked me this question when times like so you're really never going to drink again. I was like, I'm

just not drinking today. They kind of looked at me and like raise an eyebrow. They're like, okay to Shay. Just not drinking today, man. Yeah, I don't make promises or guarantees none of that. But what's the worst that could happen? If you decide to walk this path? Like I will refund your misery personally, you can have it back. But the other option as you get better, and everything gets better.

stuff it down. And keep walking, stay strong, one foot in front of the other. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, quit crying, suck it up and go. That's what we were taught to do. Men don't cry. Men don't have problems. But once again, masculinity is changing it but we were not informed. That's the thing that's like, it's as much as I want to say it's like it's not man's fault. Like, in some ways, like, I think that a lot of failures in relationships in general boil down to communication.

better. But the face of masculinity is changing. Yeah. And we haven't been kept up with, you know, we've been looking at how to advance women for a very long time. And that's a beautiful thing. And women have gotten much better. But we've gotten we've gotten left out in a lot of this. And the trauma that underlies a lot of this stuff. It's okay, I have it too. I have tons of trauma from my past. And it's okay to say

that I'm not okay. It doesn't make you less of a man or less of a woman to admit that you're in pain. It's not your fault that you're in pain there. If you're if you're a child, you've got childhood trauma, you didn't have a part in that. You didn't, you're only part of is that you're in your 40s. And you're choosing to be a victim rather than a survivor. And to learn to process this stuff and find some way for that to empower you. I'm not telling you, you need to just let this stuff slide

either. It's to look at it and own it. Yeah, look at it known it's really tough, but it's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to deal with it. Here's the screwed up part about trauma is that alcoholics have been through trauma know how bad trauma can be. But you know, what we do when we drink and use your giving, we give it right back to everyone around us. It's like we pass it out like stocking stuffers, like scratch off lottery tickets at the

holiday party. Here you have one you have some trauma, we just give that stuff away everybody. So it's it's sad. It's it's depressing. But the people who have it the worst, give it right back to everyone around them. And it just spreads the cancer. It just keeps going. It keeps going. But you can break the cycle, right that cycle, break it. It's tough to do, but you can do it is so again, like, my wife wasn't trying to control my life. She was actually trying to

save it. Yours is probably probably doing the same thing. The nagging and all that just listen for a moment. Just listen. You're gonna hear some hope in there. She's telling you what she sees in you what she believes you can be. She's not asking you to up and do it today. But these are not huge requests most of the time. Yeah. Like, could you just be sober and be home and like enjoy a movie with me? Could you just talk to me about my day? Could you ever wonder what's going on

in my life? What about your kids? How about what's going on in your life? Tell me about how you feel. Participate in life. Yeah, but not asking for a lot. Yeah, they're just not. I haven't seen that anyway, and all fairness, maybe someone has crossed that line and they're asking for a lot but I've never I've just seen someone trying to save someone else's life generally is what we see. You know that. You ever heard that saying be the person that your

dog thinks you are? Yes. Be the person your dog thinks you are. Oh my god. We walk in the house you could have just you know, you could have just like cut up a family of four and put them in barrels and dumped on the bomb the ocean but when you walk in your front door, your dog is going to think you are the greatest human on the planet. I don't care what you've done be the person your wife thinks you are. The person your dog thinks you are. That's great. Have you ever heard that before? That was

cracked me up? Because it's true. I can be Yeah, I can come in at the goofy dog will look at me and like he's just perfect. Look at him. He's beautiful. He's wonderful. I'm like, I love your little dog. That's why dogs are great, right? Don't call us on our BS. Yeah, spouses will. Yeah, we've got a theory on that too. For why some people have too many pets. Yeah.

can change. Let's own that. And my hope is that someone hears this and they hear maybe one thing they're like, Okay, when he said that, I felt hope. That's all I that's all I'm hoping for here. I'm using hope too much. But that's only word think it's great word. It's it's important. And it's vital. And it's powerful. Because many people didn't know that this is an option. You could be happy and sober. Are you kidding me? For real? Didn't know that was

possible. I worked with a guy who told me that he's like, wait, I can be happy. And so

Let's not make any massive changes, at least for a year. Yeah. And I'm like, learn how to walk again. And then we'll go there. But if you want to get fit, that's wonderful. Start eating healthier. That's good. reading more books. Okay, cool. Maybe start going to church or doing something for you. Okay. Chill on the big stuff, though, for a moment run by somebody before you up and have a midlife

crisis, right. So I just, I hope that someone heard something from this, I hope that you've listened to this point this long, and thought, okay, there's something to that. And this thing that my wife had found is probably not all BS. Because what we're doing at the end of the day, I hate to say this, we're educating. And we're empowering. And we're

validating. And we're helping your partner in their recovery, their own recovery journey, you will have yours if you choose, but they've chosen to have theirs. And that's why they come here. And listen, that's why they come to the content, because they have their own. What will happen eventually, I hate to say this, this is just what typically happens is education is a powerful thing.

And once someone becomes educated, we can't go back once you learn certain things, you can't go back once they learned that they could be happy without their addiction, which is you. You're on your own. Yeah. But you have a chance still, if you're listening to this. Yeah. And that's a beautiful thing. It's not too late. It's not gonna say it's easy. It is incredibly hard. It's the hardest thing you've ever done.

But she's going to figure this out, she's going to become empowered enough to say, You know what, I don't have to tolerate this stuff. And you would have missed out on the most amazing relationship that you would have ever had with somebody. It's just not worth it. It's not worth it. And I've seen this a million times when someone gets empowered enough to make the toughest decision in their life. The partner who's being left the the drinker, the drug person who's gonna close

this damn thing. person who's taking drugs, drinking is gonna blame them. They're gonna blame us. Yeah, we got to insurance for that. But they're gonna they're gonna say it's your fault. It's, it's all you I've seen it a million times. But once again, you can't fix your problem with the same mind that created it. And if you if you if you do split and you go get in another relationship, you know, it's gonna happen. Same same thing, same thing. Are you going to find someone as sick as you

are? Yeah, that's like Bonnie and Clyde right and up, shot up on the side of the road somewhere in Louisiana, front of an old 40 Ford, whatever, they were dying. That's what happens in those relationships. But it will follow you around. It'll just rinse and repeat. It'll be a cycle of your life. And maybe one day you'll figure it out. Maybe I should have done something about that. So maybe this is the intervention, you need to hear something. Maybe this is what you need to hear.

Listen, I'm gentle. I've walked that line between, do no harm and take no shit as best I can. But sometimes you gotta let people know what's really at stake here. Yeah, but on the other hand, that deep that you are loved deeply. There's brilliance within you. Yes. And we can unlock it. You can get better. You can become 10 And times better than you ever word you can be remembered with a legacy of being an incredible person. But if you keep this up, it's not going to happen. It's

just not. It's not. It's going to be an awkward funeral where they're going to beat around the bush. And no one talks about what the real problem was. I've been to those two, I've seen more people. I've lost more people from this thing. And the 10 years I've been sober than the previous 20 plus years of my life combined. In the short 10 year span. People with great potential amazing people loving beautiful people who just wouldn't listen and heed the warnings and do anything I took.

And it breaks my heart. If we're not here today, with the same time it also I see that and I'm like, well, could have been me. I'm just gonna work harder. Every time I see that. It's like, it's reassurance that doesn't get better, man. Just keep going. This thing is like it's progressive. It gets worse over time. Yeah, never better and it gets worse. And it's, I just want you to know, recovery

is possible. And you know, if you feel like she's nagging, and then she's, she's wearing you out, and she's right on the money, let's just be real. Like, maybe there's some stuff in there that came off a little ugly. I'll give you that. Yeah, spouses can be really hurtful sometimes. But when you've been backed into a corner, and left with no options, you don't you're out of you're out of tricks, you just start getting ugly with each other. Yeah. And I know that I know that I know

that stuff hurts. A lot of things have been said on both sides that we're not meant. But it's not the end doesn't have to be the end. But if you don't see it that way, then it's going to be there. And they're going to hear something from us or another creator like us. You can't stop education. You can't stop someone that wants to be better. Yeah, they're eventually going to figure it out for themselves. But if you're like me, it's okay. There's millions of us. There's million more in

the ground, though. You can recover or you can run that well worn path straight into the dirt through call. I hope it was helpful. Yeah, that's all I've got really good. You think so? Yeah. Is there anything I didn't cover? No,

it. They can't yell at me. Maybe I get a nasty email or something. That's fine. I'll delete it. But whatever. You yell at me, but it's got thick skin. Yeah, I don't care, man. You can yell at me yell at me, that's fine. Yell at me. I don't care. But when it comes to these conversations, they're tough to have. Because it's really not a nice way to say that our life is

falling apart. And I feel like you're drinking has something to do with it without you feeling a little bit shamed, and a little bit victimized, and bashed and battered. And I totally get that. But take a couple deep breaths and sit here with me and be like, Yeah, okay, maybe I have maybe a half to some

degree, that's fine. And I've never met a to this day, I have not met someone who's in a relationship with an active drinker or drug user, who doesn't want to work some sort of collaborative recovery where they want to like, hey, I want to work on my stuff. And I want you to work on your stuff, too. Yeah. And when people do that, man, you can't separate those two, that is a force. That's a beautiful thing. That's what we've done. I've worked my recovery. You've worked yours.

We work it together, together separately. And that's a beautiful thing. That's a powerful thing. Some people get to that point. But the other side of this, the more common is that someone's going to recover. And the other one I Yeah. And that's tough to watch. But hey, man, we're here to we're held here to help spouses, Vir. Yes, validate, empower, educate, work their own recovery journey. Yeah. And that's what we're here to do. But I'm your friend. I'm not your enemy. You may think of

this that way. Amen. I'm just just educating people. Yeah, that's all Yeah, their own decisions. Don't tell anyone what to do, but they can figure it out. They're not dummies. Alright, well, that's it for our first episode of fall. pumped about the season coming up. Yes, your first cold front.