How To Handle Dysfunctional Situations

Happy to be back. Feels good to be back in the chair. Here on a what is it Monday night? I think so. Lost track recording. Feels good to be back. What's been new? What's new in the life? How are you feeling? You sound a little under the weather. Yeah, I feel like I've got a cold in the summertime. It's a little odd. You got some of that crud. I guess some crud. That's the worst. It makes you feel spaced out. achy, tired. I'm really

tired the space. What's up with that every time we're recording I'm saying I'm tired because the sun's not up. I'm gonna stop bitching about that. Now the sun's not up man. You're like well, they call it your circadian rhythm is very strong circadian rhythm. Yeah, it's like the the natural cycles of dark and light when we sleep. Yeah, melatonin melatonin kicks in whenever it gets dark, your melatonin super strong. You can bottle that crap and sell it as a gummy. It's my HSP probably is

honestly. Anyway, we are just fresh off of a little weekend trip we took with some friends. It was awesome. Some people we've known for a very long time. And we've all got kids at an age now where they're not like, completely. I don't want to say useless isn't the right word because kids are handed descendants. Wow, damn. That's how a father refers to kids being just useless. You can't do anything for him. So it's always asking for stuff or

crying. There's the age now where they can run around and play and interact with each other like some badass memory. Yeah, it was really really fun. We got an awesome hike in. Got some time together. It actually ended up raining which was kind of nice. We chilled out onto the patio and listen to the rain pitter patter on the metal roof pitter patter though it was greatness it was greatness man. So we were talking about this

episode. And I was trying to think of all these examples of how this stuff is applied to my life. And I just had this one that came to me right as I press record. So before I tell anyone we're talking about, just see if you can relate to this story. So whenever we bought our house, we had very little plans on like, where everything would go because we were moving from a really small home into a much bigger home. And so what we did was we packed up a moving truck, and we put all the boxes in the

moving truck. And then we unloaded them into the garage. And then we basically unpacked what we needed for like that first weekend. Like we got our dishes out in the kitchen stuff and they got organized fairly quickly. But you staring at me, I don't know where you're going with this. So stick with me for listening. So then the mattresses came in. But what happened is in the garage, there were just so many boxes. And I thought to myself, I will get this cleaned out.

Like I knew that if most people didn't have their garages just pull the boxes, ultimately you get it cleaned out. And somehow this stuff just kind of takes care of itself. So little by slowly started to move boxes in but then some boxes never made it in the freaking house. They're probably still boxes out there to this day from whenever we moved in May V, which was a decade ago. Uh huh. And what happened over time was more junk

started to pile up. It was at one point, I'm not even kidding you guys, we've been in a house for about a year, you couldn't even walk to the garage door from our back door. It was so full of crap. There wasn't even a path. So the episode today is about living in toxic situations, and how we find ourselves in these things to begin with. And I think that's usually how it works. It starts off really slow, sort of innocent, and it kind of piles up over time without us even

realizing it. And each time a couple of more boxes get added or something else gets thrown out there a kid's toy or box of blankets. You just kind of look at it like it's normal. It's just a garage. Yeah, whatever. But before you know it, the whole thing is overflowing to the point where it is just like it looks like Hoarders live here. Yeah, it's an absolute mess. And what does that do to your mental health? Oh, it just destroys it right? Yeah. So that garage did get cleaned out but

not without some effort. And recognizing that Holy crap like this is sick. I remember, actually one of the guys that we went on the trip with my good buddies, I remember opening the door to show him that he was like, let me see your garage, you know, because it was like a new house. He's like, I'm gonna see how much garage space you have. And I opened the door and he just goes, Oh, man, oh, man. Just like that.

Shaming pity, like a grandmother would show, you know, like, just so disappointed gotten this way. So when I think about toxic situations, and our topic today, that story just kind of came to my mind like, you come sometimes when we find ourselves in these situations, we can look at our lives like as they sit today and be like, how the EFF did we get here? But run the tape back? And you'll see that didn't happen overnight. Yeah, and probably

won't get fixed overnight. I know that we didn't clean that garage out in one day. You so toxic situation staying in them? How did we end up there at all? Because we've talked about getting uncomfortable more times than I can count? Yeah, the benefits of doing that and how it how it incites growth. But let's spin it the other way? Why do we get stuck in toxic situations? And how do we change those situations? Why is this even a thing? We have to experience? Being in

dysfunction? And we do it and we live with it? Because it's just familiar. Yes, the familiar for no familiarity? Say it. Thank you knew I was gonna have trouble with that. Familiar? Okay, do it again. No, say that, but keep going. And I think it's only natural to want to have things that are familiar in comfort, right? And comfort is relative. Like you might sleep on someone's bed and be like, This is the hardest piece of crap I've ever laid on. Yeah, but to that person. It's like,

Dude, that's my bed. I love my bed. Yeah, it's familiar. It's comfortable. They like it. Yeah, it's relative to each and every person, it's a little bit different. So as we talk about this, have these examples in mind, because you can look at your life in a relationship that you're in. And when I say relationship as a huge broad term, doesn't necessarily just mean your marriage, it could be your job. It could be your family, extended family, the norms and the rituals that you

guys have. It could be a religious sect or denomination that you were raised in. It could be anything relationships in general, right? So we're talking about these types of dysfunctional? I think toxic is kind of a harsh word, but let's just call it what it is. toxic situation. How do how do we freakin end up here? Like, what why am I stuck here? How did this happen? And what are some

examples of these? Because I just mentioned a few but run me through some examples of these toxic relationship type situation? Well, you just hit like four of them that I was gonna say them from you. She's rude. No, but I'm going to elaborate a little bit because sometimes, we don't really realize we're in a dysfunctional situation until we look at it from a different perspective. So let me just give you examples.

First toxic relationships. So they can involve emotional or physical abuse, manipulation, or constant criticism, lack of respect, and an imbalance of power. So one partner may exert control and undermine the other self esteem and well being this is often this is number one, because this is often what we see. When we started the podcast. When we started our accounts, it was like, let's put this out there. See what comes

back. And this is what came back more than anything, were people who resonated with this message that you were giving, which is this my life look like. And I never dreamed so many people would be going through the exact same thing, and be willing to share it, too. This is the number one is toxic relationships. Our relationship was toxic. Dang, really, for years. I'm not saying it wasn't okay. I mean, what do you mean, you don't think we had a

dysfunctional relationship? No, it was really we're gonna unpack this right now? No, I think it was really dysfunctional. Yeah. It's crazy about it is that in the moment, it didn't necessarily feel though, and that has been part of my story that I've shared multiple times is that I was comfortable in that discomfort because that's what I knew. That's all I knew it was normal for me. I didn't

know. And that's a theme that we're very dysfunctional throughout the episodes as well is that you don't know what you don't know. Yeah. And you're exactly what's normal to you. It's just normal to you, right? It's not until you get we're gonna help you realize why. Or what, you know what I'm talking about the most common things that people and healthy work

environments. Yeah, man. So like workplaces with high levels of stress or you have lack of support from colleagues or supervisors, poor communication favoritism, bullying, harassment, or just a toxic company culture that undermines employees. You know, well being I think this one is more common than it's ever been. I think there was a time in American culture where you just went to work, you did your job, and it was understood that it was a

transaction. And then I think that over time, employees started requiring more of their employers and they wanted more of a culture. Like the idea of culture. It wasn't discussed in business rooms 50 years ago, like in boardrooms, they weren't talking about the company's culture. Like this crap was just, you'd put it on a wall, but no one really ever followed any of it. But I can relate to

this one a lot. A lot like, not necessarily all of the the bullet points or now that you're just just some all or nothing a really rough relationship with my profession. Yeah. And you look at it, you complain about it, then at some point, you're like, What am I doing? Oh, my God. Yeah, just crazy. I think that the great resignation background COVID. A lot of people have this realization. Absolutely. So very relevant to

the discussion. Yep. All right. Another one is addictive, or codependent relationships are jam.

mood. Because it's service man, you're just getting out of yourself. And just like volunteering your time. I love it when you go feel great when I come back. But we talked about this this very thing. Yes. Because let's say that there was 50 people there. 50 of them are dealing with this right now. Yeah, it's very, very common for sure. What else? All right, we got dysfunctional family dynamics. So these can manifest

in various ways. So constant conflicts, emotional or physical abuse, neglect, enabling our heart of of harmful, enabling, harmful, or harmful enabling of that's, that happens a lot with parents, or unhealthy patterns of communication and interaction. You know, I don't think there's ever been a time in our history that a generation has been questioned more about their parenting tactics

exists within it. And some people have incredible families, like they have no problems whatsoever. This doesn't relate but for, I think more now than ever, maybe just you hear about it more. Yeah, there are people out there who are struggling with with this with an in law or a mother or father or extended family or grandparent or something like that, that is just kind of stuck in their ways. And they want you to be okay with abuse. Exactly. They want you to be cool with it,

man. It's just the way it is. Yeah. Okay. All right. Now you share. So we're trying to think of some other so I guess in the extreme version of this, you have like colts, right? Yeah, I am fascinated with cold documentaries. We've been watching them. I'm fascinated with them. Like, there was one on Netflix recently about about Waco and the Branch Davidians. Now, cold, whatever you want to call them, religious group, religious sect, whatever it was,

it was a cult. They had a leader David Koresh, who had convinced all these people that he was the second coming and he had them captivated. And they would do anything that he said they were extremely loyal. And I'm always just fascinated with the psychology of that. Oh, yeah. And on both sides. Yeah. Yeah. What takes for someone to get there? And then how do you deliver that message? Like the leader? with a straight face? Yeah. And how do people listen?

And yeah, but in those types of situations, individuals are often manipulated, and they're isolated from their original support networks. So it's real easy to I guess, quote, unquote, brainwash them. Yeah. And they're subjected to various types of psychological control and manipulation. Yeah, it's very interesting. It is. So I don't know if anyone's in a cult that's listening to this, but not too much different than your marriage, possibly. Just saying, disorganized or chaotic living

environments. We covered this one. In the beginning. You watch the show hoarders and you're like, how are they living there? Man? Can you believe that? Can you believe it? They're living in this? Yeah, that's their norm. These are all the different ways that we can convince ourselves that this is normal. And it happens in so many different ways. We've got like nine or 10 listed here. We could probably easily come up

with 50 of them. Yeah, but disorganized or chaotic, chaotic living in environment, like hoarding or extreme clutter, unsanitary conditions, I guess you could say is just cat mess everywhere. But it's disarray that negatively impacts your physical and your mental well being right. unhealthy coping mechanisms. So this is a little deeper, I think, hold on. Can I go back for a second? Yeah, I have a very dysfunctional room in our house. Were you do you have that bedroom above us right

now I do. That is just a catch all catch all. And it's a guest room that set up for guestroom. But there are boxes in there of stuff that needs to be either tossed or into storage or donated. If you needed to be a guest of ours, you would be in deep shit, try and be in trouble because there would be no abuse. But I am acknowledging that I have a very dysfunctional situation. You're not perfect, you're

unhealthy coping mechanism. So engaging in self destructive behavior, like excessive alcohol or drug use, compulsive gambling, eating disorders, anything along these lines that creates dysfunctional cycles that can lead to harm or harm to your well being, I guess. Yep. Financial dysfunction like this one. I think a lot of people live in this to mean I read economic reports as part of my job. And I know that credit usage is up to historic highs saving levels are at historic

lows. And people are strained financially. Some people just live in this all the time. They don't know any different. Yeah, it is, you know, if they miss one paycheck misses and it all comes crumbling down. I mean, a lot of Americans live in that reality. But it is dysfunctional. Yeah. But we can make that okay, somehow. Yeah, it's there. It's where they're taking acceptance is the answer a little too far. lie a little bit. Staying anxious, depressed, overweight, even when you're

miserable. All this stuff is familiar. Like when you're in that you're, you're familiar with the way that that feels so you're scared to change it. Yeah, we can make lemonade out of lemons. Everyone has the ability to do this. Yeah, but a lot of times we choose to do it with the wrong things. We can take a really dysfunctional living situation, mindset, whatever it might be and decide, this is fine. I'm just gonna look at the positive.

No, that mean, my favorite meme ever is that that dog sitting at the coffee table with a cup of coffee and the the his kitchens on fire? And it just says this is fine. Now Yeah, I'm talking about Yes. This is a summary of that time. This is fine. This is fine. And we're going to make everything go. If you haven't seen that meme, check it out. It's like my favorite actually ordered it to get framed. via Amazon. It's supposed to be here pretty soon. I'm framing that

thing. Oh my god, I'm putting it in my office. I love your office at the office or your office in here. The office at the office. Okay, that's fine. This is fine. This is fine. I'm good. Okay, so we've covered some examples of what these might look like. I hope that one of these has resonated, you can at least relate to it. Right? Why do we do this to ourselves, right? Why are we stuck in this? Why do we do this? Alright, so I'm gonna go with a few first fear of change.

Okay? What does that even mean? Fear of change. Change can be intimidating. Because you're gonna stay you want to stay in a familiar, but dysfunctional situation, rather than venture into the unknown. It breaks my brain, but I totally understand it. Yeah, me too. Because you worry about the uncertainties and like the challenges that come with making a change. It's hard, y'all change can hard. Pick your heart, though. Yeah,

pick your heart. Because I know from both sides, it was harder to stay stuck in the dysfunction than it was to make an actual change will not make the change, but like to get to the other side. But you don't know that before you start? No, it's no, you can live in that. Phil forever. Yeah. Can you think of anything that you've been scared to change? And you stayed in a dysfunctional situation? God, yes. Oh, all kinds of stuff, man. Is this

anything? You know, like this? I feel like I'm you asking me questions, and you don't want to answer. Can you know, I'm just debating if I should answer no, anything that's simple, that anybody else can relate to simple stuff. I'm usually pretty good with the simple stuff. It's the bigger things that I really struggle with. Okay, so I'm going to also think about whenever I did want to change my lifestyle of being unhealthy to healthy, I was scared to lose weight. Like who

who says that? Who's scared to lose weight, but a lot of people are at the root of it. All right. I was like, I don't know how my body is going to change. I don't know if I'm gonna like it. I'm scared of the challenges that go along with it. But you just do it and it you figure it out from there, but it sounds wild to say it out loud. Like I was scared. I was scared to lose

weight. Yeah, I'm trying to think of a way to put this that's not going to like, I don't want to compromise anyone else's identity that's been in this with me. But let's just say I have always been the person that ultimately stood up and held up my hand and I said, the Emperor wears no clothes. I've said that, and I've done that my entire life. Like when I sensed that this stuff was going on, I've been able to say like, this

is BS. Yeah. Like even when I was using, like, I was ultimately the one that decided I had to do something about it. Absolutely. I didn't. It's not a flex again, it's not a flex kind of intuitively, I've always done that. But in doing that, like I would have said these things years prior, but there's a fear of upsetting the status quo. And there's a fear of like, I'm going to people are going to be upset with me when I do this. Like, you aren't gonna like me. Yeah. And that's always

been a fear of mine. Like I like to be liked, who doesn't like to be liked? Yeah, you know, so there's always been a fear that if I were to stand up and say something, I was going to upset someone. And so it's easier to not say anything, and just go with the flow. Yeah. Because once you do say something now you got a frickin scarlet letter on your chest. Yeah, that's tough. Yeah. But your future do it anyway, though. Exactly. Because your future self will.

Thank you. Okay, another reason why we get stuck in the situation is low self esteem. you raising your hand right now is in my hand right now. I suffered from that for a long time. Because we believe that we don't deserve better or you know that we won't find anything better outside of the dysfunctional situation. Oh, man. We hear that a lot. You're right. That's a very common one. Yep. boils down to low self esteem. Yeah, because we feel like we're unworthy have healthier relationships or

environments. And this can go back to childhood or trauma or anything that you've been through. I can't really tell you why. We're like that, but it's definitely part of it. Okay, another one is dependency. So some people may rely on these situations for financial support or stability, or it's a sense of their identity. So like, oh, I can't leave him because he pays my bills. Yeah, so I'm just gonna deal with all this. Yeah. What was that one movie with? The lady took off? I think

Richard Gere was in it. Maybe? Was he the crazy guy? No, she, like, faked her own death. Oh, that would be Julia Roberts. Yes. That was a great movie. Sleeping with the Enemy sleeping with the enemy. Is that it? Yeah, that's it. Did you just recently watch that for the first time? No, you watch that when you were younger? I watched that. Because you watched it over and over and over and over. It's a great one. I think of her. Very true, but she freaking did it. She done

it. She did it. Alright, another one is emotional attachment. So you can develop an emotional attachment to these situations or the individuals that are within them. Because you hold on to hope that things are going to improve, especially if they've had invested like a long time and energy into the relationship. Oh, goodness. Yes. Yes. Yeah. We've been together for five years, man like this has to work. Yeah. Like I've put a lot of energy I see the potential I can see that potential or

potential. Oh, the potential. Looking at you. Yeah, no. All right. What else? Other Yeah, lack of resources. We kind of covered it a moment ago, like, financially, I just, I don't know another way I have to stay here. This is the only job that's gonna pay me what I'm getting paid. If I leave, I'm screwed. So I'll just deal with the crap because it's worth the paycheck. Yeah. Or that person's worth a crap because they make a nice life for us. Yeah, that's really common to cultural and

societal norms. This one is actually more like hits. Yeah, this one's like, more subversive. Like, it's kind of under the surface, but it's always there. Like, you just don't get divorce because you just don't do that. You mean you get divorce? No, no, it's not an option. You don't get divorced. Man, like, we're not advocates for divorce. Like, don't get me wrong, like we stayed together. There's some really, really tough stuff promised not to give

up on each other. But had things got to a certain point, I think that you would have no choice, but to leave me Yeah. So you would have done the same thing, then you would not have let a societal or cultural norm stand in the way of that? Or how people will say like, you know, yeah, I understand that your father has, you know, never paid child support. And he used to

hit you when you're younger. And he's been, you know, a womanizer, but he's still your father and what Miss mean with that, and yeah, like that's, that's society, that's a cultural thing, right? That's not rooted in fact, or the way that people treat you or evidence or anything else. That is just bullcrap. You can rid

yourself of that. And then minimization or denial, so some people downplay the dysfunction, deny its severity, and rationalize it and they make excuses and they try to convince themselves and saying that bad,

it's all good. We just our brains will are always rationalizing, that's kind of where the toxic positivity comes in a big part of it and what we're talking about earlier, where you're just looking at the Oh, everything's okay, we're good and you're not really looking at the big picture of what needs to change that's dysfunctional, obviously. But he's important. Yeah,

absolutely worth it. But it's not it's two people look at it. 209 Yeah, so it's all or nothing but you can minimize, you can minimize some really tough situations. I'm actually really good at this myself. Yes, I'm really good at this. I can look at things and be like, you know, I always look for the best in people and situations. And a lot of ways. I think it's a gift, but it's also a curse of mine. Yes. Where I can let people mistreat me for a long periods of time, because I will see the

good in them. And I will, I will know their intentions. I'll know where their hearts at. And I've also I mean, I've got it programmed in me that I treat everyone like a sick friend. So when I see someone doing that, I think more like, what are they going through that's causing that. But at some point, you have to draw the line. Yeah. And it's okay, that's disengaging with compassion. Yeah, I've done all the things here. I've made them aware of it. I've put up

the boundaries. I've done all that crap, and they still don't come around like, nothing I can do. Right. All right. So we've talked about the examples. We've talked about the why do we end up here? Now, I think that what anyone's Yeah, what anyone would be wondering at this point, alright, what the hell do I do, man? How do I fix this? Okay, so I'm in a relationship. This is the most common one, I'm in relationship with an addict. They don't want to get help. What do I do? Like I've tried

everything. Or maybe they are trying to get help. What do I do? I've tried everything. Yeah. Or my job has treated me like crap for so many years. But they pay me really well. Like, what do I do? Yeah, obviously, there's something that you need to listen to. Within your intuition. There's a little voice in you that saying something is wrong, right, man, that little voice, God so I've got like, I've got 1000 voices in my head. But the most important one is the most quiet.

I don't know why that is. Why is he got to be the most quiet now. That little dude needs to speak up more. Because I, when I listened to it, great things happen. Yeah. But the other ones are so much louder. Yeah. So much more like, seductive, they're easier to listen to, you know, a little quiet was tougher, right? Okay, so I'm gonna say like the first step of how to do this, and it's in so many processes and even our own personal process. Step one and

eight. Yeah. And this is our process in Tufo is recognizing and acknowledging the dysfunction first step in recovery is admitting surely look at your situation from afar and acknowledge and say that something is not right. Pretend you were watching your life as a movie. Yeah. What would you say? Well, that all the time, what would you think about this character? Yes, yes, this is the essential first step towards

making any kind of change. The next one will be seek support, because a lot of us we don't have the support we need to reach out to, you know, our friends or family or groups that can provide some emotional support or even guidance and objective perspectives. It's huge to get objective objective perspectives from others that are seeing your situation from far away. Yeah. And you know, what's, what wasn't number two, was just think yourself out of

it and fix it yourself? Yep. Seek support man to foe community all yes, I'm gonna plug one in there. Because we have a great support system there. That's what it's for. It is it is. I mean, you have to be open and willing, though, to listen. And if somebody does point out that maybe you have a personal challenge that you need to work on. Listen, you know, be open and honest with yourself as not being bullying or harassing or

harsh. It's somebody literally trying to help you get through a situation that is making you unhappy. I encourage everyone in there to gracefully give and receive feedback gracefully, gracefully, gracefully, so hearing things from an outsider's perspective and split. That's interesting. Let me think about that. Yep. Rather than just be like, Oh, you don't know me? Yeah. You don't know me? Yeah, yeah. But I'm different. I've heard it all. Now. Yeah. Just listen for a

moment. Yes. And another one's going to be developed a safety plan. So this is going to be for people who are basically in abusive or, you know, violent situations. It's very important for you to prioritize your safety. This includes, you know, steps to protect yourself. So you have to look at places that are safe. You know, maybe a family member. Yeah. Put your mom on notice. Hey, hi, my call, you know, on a whim, I'm gonna need to be there, get a go back together. Yes. Have emergency

contacts in place? You know, that's some friends that you might trust, and then involve local authorities if you absolutely have to. There's no shame in that. No, like, We're not advocating that you end up on cops, which is a show that I love. It's a great show. I don't think everybody likes it is important that you have that safety net there if you need it. Yeah. So if your situation is is tough, and you've got abuse in it, that's no joke at all.

Develop a safety plan, prepare yourself if it's a pattern, it's going to happen again. Yep. And this one's going to be kind of similar to seek support. This is actually just building a support network. Yeah, which is like more about, it's not so much like just

seeking a friend. It's like a friend is someone who you can trust because you trust their opinion, because you've known each other for a long time and you value their perspective, a support network is other people going through the exact same thing. Yes. So it's other people who have done this before who were walking through it right now currently who are interested interested in it. And there's a million different, you name it, there's a support group for it.

Yeah. And they can encourage you to make the best decisions for yourself. Yeah, give us that movie Fight Club. That was my first experience with the 12 steps. Actually, it was Fight Club. For those of you haven't seen Fight Club, it's about this guy. Who will I don't wanna get too far into it. But there's a part in the movie where he cannot sleep, he has insomnia. And what he finds is that if he goes to 12 step meetings, doesn't matter what they're for, he will cry and embrace somebody

else. And then he sleeps like a baby. So he ends up getting addicted to different 12 Step groups and he goes to one for like, like carcinoma survivors, he goes to one for like broken leg survivors. He goes to one for like, men with hair loss. He like men's breast cancer, like you name it. There's a support group for it. Yeah. That was my first experience of 12 steps. I was like, I'm never doing that. No way, man. What does that crap. But there are groups for every Yeah, I mean, I don't mean

to demean it by any means. But there are support groups out there, no matter what it is. Yeah. Like we've got one for people who are trying to better their relationships, better their life. A lot of people who happen to be in codependent relationships with addicts, but it's not just for that it's sort of all encompassing, I think it's a good place to start. But there are plenty out there. They get even more specific than

that. Yeah, it can get like, super niche it can get like, you know, people living on Cape Cod with kids under four with autism. Like they're probably groups like that. Like they're probably out there. Yeah, find them. In network with those people. You'll find a lot of be careful with the mom groups in your city. So just saying, Oh, they get wild. Yeah, I'm not animals. Why would I know? Okay, tell me stories. No, I'm not I have to block and

unfollow those groups a lot. Oh, man, I want to hear about the story. All right, we're getting off track. Another one is going to be set clear boundaries. Of course, we're always talking about that b word. When you establish and communicate your personal boundaries to those that are like involved in these situations, you got to be firm, like assert it, assert what's acceptable, and what's not. And be prepared to enforce those boundaries and not make it a

threat. Yeah, make sure your boundaries are enforceable everybody, because you can come up with all these great ideas for boundaries. But if you're not willing to enforce them, they're basically meaningless. Yep. We talked about this a little bit, but developing an exit strategy. It's sort of like it'd be different for like, just the Yeah, I think developing an exit strategy is sort of like the logical way you look at like, Okay, what would my life look like, if I didn't if I had to go

today? And you have to kind of get, I mean, it's like the logistics of it, right? Like, where am I going to live? Where would I? How would I get a job there? Am I going to end this relationship? What would that be like? What kind of people in my life will I lose because of that? Maybe mutual friends you have? Like, there's practical aspects of this, like finances, logistics, legal considerations, but start to develop an exit strategy and start to think about what your life would look

like. Because those are some of the questions that we can't necessarily answer for you. Yeah, they're very individual people come to us, like, hey, I want to leave him but like, I haven't worked in 12 years, like, well, we're gonna give that some thought. Yeah, like, really give us what are your options? Yes. Look at your options. Like that's not something that just gets taken care of. This is important places like right out pros and cons, right? Yeah, for sure.

Cons of staying where you are unhappy. And leaving? Yeah, what does that I was screw this quote up when the the pain of change is less than a man that you will change, right? That was it the other way around? Gosh, I was make sense because I understood what you were saying. We could just be tired. And usually I'm not good at that. Okay, so I think you've got this, but we'll let you listen to this and see and see, seek, seek help from someone that's done this before or from a mental health

professional. So whether it's a therapist, counselor, coach, some sort of professional that specializes in dealing with these dysfunctional situations, whichever one you're in, and they'll provide guidance, support, and maybe even therapeutic intervention, to help you navigate those challenges that you're gonna face like our good friend Nasim has become like, you know, her podcast started out with, like, her realizations about life

after her great resignation. And she's actually gotten the point where people are reaching out to her. And this is a super nice topic about like, what do I do? How did you go through this? And she's professional at this point. She's a professional. Yes, yeah. So it's out there no matter what it is, whether it's career, fam linear relationships, addiction, you name it. Something we've talked about and cannot be stated enough because you gotta take care of yourself, man. Self care, so freakin

important prioritize it. And that's a self care self compassion, oh my god, it's so huge. When you look at your situation, you're watching that movie of that person going through all this stuff. Have a little compassion for that person, that's you. It's you have some compassion with yourself through the process, eliminate the word should, from your vocabulary, absolutely. Start to engage in activities that promote your physical and

emotional well being. So whether that's exercise, hiking, walking your dog gardening, you name it, whatever it is, is therapeutic for you. Healthy Eating mindfulness practicing that in some way, whether that's meditation, spiritual practices, whatever that looks like for you. Yeah, dancing for us, like always been your thing. And other ones stay committed and persistent. So leaving one of these situations, these dysfunctional situations, it's, in my experience, a very

gradual process. Absolutely. It was not something that just happened overnight. So I had, I had some, like career type epiphanies in the last three or four years, like I had this plan in place, and it was like, Man, this is not gonna happen overnight. Like, there's just no way like, this could take a I don't know how many years this is gonna take some time, though. You don't just like cut those routes overnight. You don't just

start to tear anything down. So it's like, okay, maybe that's a goal eventually, but it could take time to get there. Yeah, you know, what I ultimately found was that working with Tufo has really filled the hole that I, you know, it's always there, but it's not as big anymore. So it's helped. So this is part of that process, it did not happen overnight. And it wasn't a switch for some situations, you will have a switch, like flip

it, right, gone. Yep. But I think for others, it's more of like an educational experience that takes place over a period of time. And so you're going to have to stay committed, persistent. And give yourself plenty of grace as you go through it. Be mindful of the goal that you want, ultimately, but understand it's going to take a lot to get there. And it'll take a bunch of little bitty steps to get there. Yep, not happening overnight, most of

the time. I think ultimately, you have to be willing to do something different. Like it's okay to be scared of the unknown. It's okay to not know what's going to happen. It's okay to be scared about what your life is going to look like without the super comfortable thing, even though it's not healthy. Yeah. But how are you ever going to know if you don't try it? You know, you've talked about making a pros and cons list. Yeah. You talked about picking your heart, like it's going to be hard to

change. In most cases, it's harder to stay where you're at. Yeah, so choose your heart. What do you want to do? You get one life to live, what are you going to do? You know, I think that ultimately, like when we talk about change, what gets us to change is pain. I had this good friend who passed away. And he used to always say time plus pain equals change. If you get it along, if you get in enough pain for a long enough period of

time, you will change. And those two, time and pain are variable too, you can, you can get in a lot of pain for a really short period of time and change. Or you can get in a little bit of pain for a really long time to get to change. But I think that the pain piece of it, if you can sort of stir up more pain, you'll change much quicker. Yeah. So if you're in a tough relationship, I'm not saying necessarily poke the bear, but

start asking questions. And you will get to a place where you're like, Man, this really doesn't make sense anymore. Yeah, like that fight that we just had. I will never let someone talk to me that way. So increasing the level of pain decreases the amount of time, which gets you to change quicker. Or you can just deal with a little bit of dysfunction for a really long time to hear a call, which I've done both I know how this works.

But I tend to side with the pain piece of it when I look at my life, and I'm like, I've got to make a change. A lot of times I want to make the change, but I know deep down that I'm just not in enough pain yet, man. Yeah, what's it gonna take to get me there? You know, if you want to lose weight, go get some blood work done and see what that looks like. See if that? See if that gets you in some pain. Yep.

You know, if you want to. If you have these huge aspirational career goals, go talk to your boss and see what they say about your future with the company that might increase some pain. You might hear we don't think that you are anything that you will that you say you are and I'm not interested in promoting you. You can stay right here. That might lead to a decision where you go that hurt. I'm out of here. Yeah. You know, like you can drum up pain in all sorts of ways. Yeah, you can.

Something is the word I'm looking for. I can't think of it right now. What's it called when the washing machine like starts moving stuff around? Or they call that unbalanced? What do you mean no, the washing machine where it's like it's stirring up things. It's like, I wish I could see my face right I don't know what the hell you're talking about out. Somebody might know, I'll be like about it laid, you're an idiot. You don't know what he's saying, I'll think about it later. But either way, this

process will take time. So be patient, give yourself some compassion. And remember that nothing changes. If nothing changes, you will remain in this muck your garage will remain an absolute mess. If you do nothing. That's a fact. Oh, that's a fact. So the willingness to change your behavior is so important, just to be willing and open to what that would look like. And we just walked you through a

process to get you there. We just had 30 different examples of the examples of them the how, and the why, or the why and the how, right the other why the hell yeah. So we've just walked you through it. We've given you a blueprint for it. And I think it's pretty helpful. Yeah. And I know it's easier said than done. But damn, we've done a lot of this. Yeah. So listen to that quiet little voice the one you don't want to listen to the one that so much quieter than than all the others. And what is it

telling you? What is your gut saying? What is your intuition saying? Yeah, and listen, and then act. And if you don't know where to start popping the community start asking some questions. We can probably point you in the right direction at the very least for sure. Okay, is that is that is that covered? Guys still thinking of that word? And I can't remember it, man. I'm so past that. You're past it. Yeah, I was on it for a moment. And then I changed my

brain. It's not aggravate. But it's similar to aggravate to aggravate the pain like poke it. Was it called when you stoke stoke a fire? It's not a thing. What the hell, man and you don't talk about the little bags that you'd like to cartoons like you pump in the fire. Stokes the fire. That's what that means. Oh, my gosh, y'all still got the word, but I'll think of it at some of the points. Anyway, we're gonna have a conversation after this. Yeah, I'm gonna go straight to

Wikipedia and look it up. But either way. If you haven't already followed the show left a review, we would very much appreciate you doing that helps us move up the rankings. Oh, which by the case, the rankings. I was looking at the rankings today. You know, we depending on which category you're looking at, we score on the top anywhere between the top 20 and 30% of all podcast periods. Cool. Yeah, that also tells me that like, there's a lot of really bad

podcasts out there. Because our numbers aren't huge by any means. But we have any freaking proud of it. I'm proud of it. I just enjoy it. I hope that the listener enjoys it. Oh, yeah. I'm glad you're having fun bait. But anyway, if you haven't already, follow the show left a review, we'd very much appreciate it. If you get something from this. Let a friend know share it out on your social media, tag us and your

stories. And let us know that you are listening, let us know that you're out there and that you exist, we would love to know we'd love to send you some stickers too. We've got some. If you haven't already checked out our new website, we've got that up and running www.tufo.com TW fo TW fo.com where you can find out more about us check out some of our free guides that we've got available. 100% free, not asking for anything at all, you don't even have to give us your email address. Just go on

there and check it out. And we'd love for them to be helpful to you. We've got our Facebook community to pho couple. We've also talked about this in the last few episodes about a foundation that we very much believe in the counseling for the Future Foundation, we are raising money to put therapists through their graduate level

programs debt free. So if you know a therapist, if you are a therapist, if you believe in the power of therapy, check us out counselling futures.org, you can give a donation there doesn't matter how small it is, or big it is whatever you want to give goes to a great cause. Imagine a world where when you needed somebody when you needed a mental health professional, a therapist, they would be there.

There's not enough of them in the field to meet the growing demand for mental health problems that we have in this country. And in the next 10 years. It's gonna get even worse. We have more therapists in school right now to become therapists and it's still not enough or do you have to pee or something if you are bouncing all over the place. So let me just go ahead and get through this. I've been given you a look at counseling for the futures. Oh, you hate it when I have to.

Oh just bounces all over the place y'all. It's like nerve racking. Now the corner miles up and down. If you go to our website at the very bottom, you can find links to all of our social media accounts. We are on everything I think on just about everything. It's at Tufo underscore couple that's at TW fo underscore couple. We keep them all pretty well fed up now. You're doing this on purpose. Yeah. What else can we talk about? They All right, so next time I'm Matt, I'm Hey, we'll see you