What we are more concerned with here more than anything, is the spouse or partner or loved one of an addict or alcoholic? Because so often the conversation steers away, and you're forgotten. No one asks how they're doing. And when I got sober, I got chips. I got parades thrown for me. What did you get? Nothing? Absolutely nothing. I remember you being in tears. I was like when I got my one new chip in your life. What about me?
I know what I've been through. Yeah, no one celebrates
me, no one talks about my experience here. No one talks about what you went through. For me to get to where I am today. And very few addicts have this conversation either. They're not talking about what they put their spouse through, and how that could have been easier and ways to prevent this moving forward and ways to get them into situations that are healthier for them. No one's talking about this. We're talking about this. And that's what Tufo is about. That's what
we're here for. So we love you all. And we will love you until you can love yourself. That's what we're doing. Yep. Welcome back, well, come back to another episode of till the wheels fall off on that. And here we go. This is episode three of the final part of our series on setting boundaries. Today, we are going to run you through how to actually take what you've learned in episodes one and two.
And put it into practice in your life, how to actually establish these boundaries, put them into play, and what happens afterward. So before we do that, I think it's best we recap for just a moment on episodes one and two, and what we hope that you have done up to this point, run us through a page.
Alright, so episode one, we identified our values, and our values are what is most important to us, right? So things that like honesty, respect, authenticity, equality, there were like 16 Different ones on the original one. I don't remember how which ones there was a time there was a time come up, but you can come up with your own as well. But it's things that I that you just it makes you who you are. The second episode were was was
patient pages a little hopped up on cold Niceville
like I am hopped up on cold medicine taking it for the last three days. I didn't take take Well, today I took Musa next and that wasn't the Dista I don't know, crap, but either way, I'm a little I'm a little wonky on this episode. So please bear with me. I'm just I'm gonna do the best I can. I'm here for you. But we're still going to talk. Okay, so the second episode was about what pisses you off things that make you mad things that are the opposite of values, behaviors
that violate the vow. Yeah, yep. So like lying, cheating. Yeah, addictive behaviors.
Yeah, there's a million habits that were in there.
Lack of accountability. Yeah. So those were wanting to and we there was a reason why we did those because we have a formula that we will get to in a little bit.
Yeah. Before we do that, though, I think it's important to talk about boundaries and sort of a broad conversation about what they are, what they aren't some do's and don'ts when you go to set these things. So let's just wax philosophical for a moment about boundaries. I think that for many people that approach us, they are looking for a magic bullet to fix their partner or fix their life. Yep. But what are boundaries actually doing?
They're protecting you blue, they are not for the other person. Yeah, that's the set, you have to set the boundary up, that's going to benefit you in the long run,
you have just distilled boundaries down into just a few words, that's perfect. They are to protect you, right? If you're the intention behind your your boundary is to manipulate or change someone else, it's probably not going to go well. But they've got to be to protect yourself. They got to be to protect your values and when your values are violated, to protect the sanctity of your esteem and who you are as a person to keep that moving
forward. You've got to put boundaries, to protect yourself from toxic situations, outcomes and people. That's what boundaries are for. They're not consequences for other people. Now, sometimes in rare circumstances, I would even say they can serve as a wake up call for some people. Absolutely. There are some relationships where you give someone a boundary, they're like, holy crap I've been I've been wrong and I'm sorry, but it's just
it's rare these days, right? And for what we deal with when we deal with addicts, who closely resemble if are not already narcissists. These are people that are probably not going to respond well to being told what to do.
Right. So okay, can you give that example real quick about what you told me earlier with the smoking?
What was it again?
It was I in the room, like if I'm not going oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think it's the way that you worded it that really helped me Ummi opened my eyes to hell boundaries. It's really about how you word it and where your intentions lie. Your intentions
are everything. So the example that we were discussing or that we went through this, we've been talking about this since like nine this morning. Going through all of this to make sure that we get the message across as best we can. We have so much to say about it. But think about smoking. Let's say you have a partner that smokes okay, and you want them to stop smoking because you think it's grody? Oh my gosh, don't like I don't like smokers is something nasty about it?
Whatever. So you tell them, You need to stop smoking you I will not sleep with you anymore. If you're smoking. I will find some way to make your life a living hell if you smoke. Yeah, it's kind of what I've got it right, right. That is a form of manipulation. Okay, that person doesn't have to choose to stop smoking and in no way isn't necessarily protecting you. Now, if your intention is, I want to be healthy. I hate the way my house smells. I don't want my
children inhaling this. You know this this carcinogenic? combusted carbon crap, and it goes against our values. It could be Yeah, discussing hygiene, whatever it might be, then you would say, if you choose to smoke, I will leave the home. That is a healthy boundary, because you're only worried about yourself, yes, I'm removing myself from your bad behavior because I choose not to be around it. Yes. The former was I don't I want to change your behavior so that we can we
can make this work. That's not the same thing. That is they are the same and different. Yeah, because your intentions are different. Yes, the end result is that in the latter case, where you choose to leave, you are no longer exposed to it. And you were willing to walk the path alone. And that means that you don't have to be around it anymore. The other case, which we see a lot more is someone trying to control their environment and manipulate someone else's behavior to make
it more acceptable. And the the, I guess, the image of what they want as a partner in their life. Does that make more sense? Yeah. I think that's kind of the difference between a healthy versus an unhealthy boundary. Right. One of them is simply serving you. The other one is an attempt to control or manipulate someone else. Right. And it's there's a gray area.
Yeah, but I'm not going to let somebody smoke in my house. I'm not going to like, just
because you don't want your house to stink. That's disgusting. Yeah, yeah. But that's not me controlling them. That's
just a boundary I set up for me. Sure. Okay.
Let's just say to say that you are no longer allowed to smoke in my house. What if they chose to violate it? Then what is your next move?
If they smoked in my house? Yeah. I kick their ass out. What do you mean,
you could kick them out? But what I'm, what I'm getting at here is that the boundary has to be something that we are willing to do for us.
And yeah, it's for me, I don't care if they smoke. Outside, here's
what sucks about boundaries is that often the person setting the boundary will have to work much harder. Exactly. The Violator that, so when you're saying like, this happens a lot like alcoholics, drug addicts, it's like, why should I have to leave? Right? Well, like if you're drinking, you're protecting yourself, like if there's a way to get them out. That's wonderful. That works all the same. You're still protecting yourself. And you don't necessarily have to deal with the logistics of like,
where are you going to live? How you're going to get your kids and dogs into an apartment while you're still paying a mortgage and all that good stuff. Yeah. So maybe there's a way to do that. But to simply say I don't like smoking because it's grody. You should stop is different than saying I'm concerned for my health. Cancer runs in my family. It makes me smell. It ruins the things in the home. I've removed myself from the situation. Yeah, it's the same
and different. Okay. Okay. So I think a lot of people kind of get twisted when it comes to boundaries. So let's go through some popular mistakes and this comes from Lynn Margolies, PhD over at psych central found this awesome list popular mistakes that cause boundary setting to fail. A quick break in the action to let you know about an exciting development in the Tufo
universe. When we started this thing, we said we would never work with an advertiser or company unless it's something that we believed in, and we already use.
If you're looking for professional affordable mental health care, look no further than Taylor counseling group, your trusted source for accessible therapy and Texas. Taylor counseling group believes that everyone deserves premium mental health care regardless of their income level. That's why they offer reliable and affordable services at 12 locations across Texas. They've made affordability a priority.
They are in network with most major insurance and the standard private rate is only $100 per session, significantly lower than many other practices offering the same high quality therapy. They believe that getting the help you need shouldn't drain your wallet. scheduling an appointment is quick and easy with their convenient online booking tool. No complicated processes or long wait times. They value your time and ensure that you can access the care you deserve without any hassle.
tailor counseling group they believe in a personalized approach to therapy. professionally trained counselors offer a diverse range of services including individual counseling, couples counseling, family therapy, play therapy for children, and even specialized techniques like cognitive processing and existential psychotherapy. They're here to help you navigate life's challenges, and develop a personalized treatment plan tailored to your unique goals.
Tailor counseling group is your partner on the path of mental wellness experienced professional affordable care that puts you first visit their website tailored counseling group.com. Or call them today to schedule an appointment and tell them to focus we'll send you a link and phone number is going to be available in the show notes and back to the action. So number one, telling people what they should do or not do and why
they're wrong. This rarely goes over well, it creates resistance and struggle, she says and trying to change or manage the other person is not likely to be well received. Exactly or successful, especially when it's unsolicited. And there's a pattern of problematic behavior. And let's just from the time we are children, we don't like to be told what to do. Adults are no different, especially adults with a problem. Yeah, who don't like to be called on that stuff.
So number one is don't just tell people what they should be doing and why they're wrong. Okay, to poor timing slash wrong intent, reacting from anger or frustration in the heat of the moment, when you're at your wit's end.
Yes, this happens a lot in the ball been here before? Relationship? Yes. And I was gonna say with this one. Also, don't bring it up whenever your spouse is actively using.
Yeah, terrible idea. Yeah, yeah. approach these conversations when someone is lucid and sober and calm. And I would say look for a quote unquote, neutral situation. Yeah, right. Neither hot or cold. You know, just bring it up when it's appropriate. Yeah. Number three is trying to get people to admit or own up to something or recognize that the limits are for their own good. This is another tough one. This is once again, this is sort of falls into that type of
behavior. Right? Yeah, this is for your own good, everything will be better. Remember, we all have the power of free will and choice and we can do what we want. If this person wanted to do these things, they would be doing them.
Yep. Nothing you say or do is going to make that better when it comes to addiction. That's
generally the case. Yeah, absolutely. Especially if this is an ongoing problem that's been discussed over and over and over, trying to get them to like logically reasoning with them. And if you've ever dealt with a narcissist, you know how this goes, Yeah, you cannot reason with people who are unstable. Like that's gonna say mentally unstable people. This
is this, I have presented the
most elegant, beautifully crafted arguments for why a narcissistic person should behave one way or another. And you are met with the most childish backlash, right, that you've ever encountered. It never goes anywhere. Yeah, it will leave you feeling defeated, and you will just like lose faith in humanity. Absolutely. We're all doomed. Yep. If that didn't land, we're all doomed. That's how this usually goes.
The next one is saying too much justifying over explaining and being invested in convincing the other person that what you're saying is reasonable or right. Oh,
guilty.
I feel that one.
I felt that one.
Please share
with you. How many times have I tried to like convince you that what I'm doing is right or whatever how I believe this boundary this is accurate. And you're just like, shut up.
However many days or in 22 years, any that is that's how many times
it's so exhausting. Y'all don't do it.
All it does is just now it's time to debate now. It's debate time. Now it's argument time.
Yeah. And now it's more about them and not you exactly. It's still it's all about the
can always defend when it's about me. But when it becomes them and you walk into their territory into their cage, and now you're telling them how to run their own home inside their head. Best of luck. It's so much
easier to look at other people's problems than our own problems.
Oh, taking others inventories easy. Yeah, we all do it when we gossip when we think about people. And we talk about people when we read other people's Facebook posts. You know, yes, it's really not
so guilty of that. But I will tell you all when you let that go and you focus on you instead, that is the most empowering thing that you can do for yourself. It feels good. It's refreshing. It's like, Oh,
yeah. And so when you're when you're grounded, and you're emotionally separate from the other person, it's a much different conversation. Absolutely. Okay, the next one is being unprepared. And this includes not factoring in what you already know about how things will realistically play out. Yeah. Right. So Run the
tape. Alright, pretend that you're watching that we covered this in an episode a long ago, but pretend that you're watching your life as a movie and you're in the theater and you're watching what happens next in the story when you do this realistically, how would you write the ending of the story? Realistic, realistically,
not? What you want?
Yeah, so be prepared, be prepared for that. Okay, so those are don'ts. Let's go to the do's real quick. And then we'll get into do the rest of the episode and how to effectively set boundaries. So these are things that we will do, we will tell the other person what we are going to do, not what they should do. Because we are only in control of what we will do. We cannot control or limit the other person. You just can't, you can try but we just went through reasons that
typically doesn't go well. Yep. So think ahead troubleshoot in advance of, you know, resistance reactions you'll probably get, but incorporate this into your plan that you are going to tell them what you are going to do, not what they should do. So setting a boundary and saying I will do XYZ not or I will force you to do XYZ. There's a difference there. Alright, number two, be firm. But dispassionate, clear and
concise. When boundaries are established, and when enforcing what that means once once again, we talked about picking the right time to discuss these neutral, this has to be neutral. No different than when your your favorite burger joint you order your burger. You just say it you know in a neutral tone. I just need a hamburger with cheese, pickles, onions, ketchup, mayo. And a story. lets you set your boundaries the same way. Yeah, you don't come at it with this big long drawn out story. It's
not a proposal. It's not a not even a conversation. Really? No,
it's literally a sentence in the story, no fanfare,
just in the proper moment, no tone, no struggle, no explaining it's minimal effort. You're just going to say it. And that's that. Okay? Once again,
this is all easier said than done. Right? Just throwing that out there because I know people are listening right now. They're getting the same damn thing.
So once again, we talked about the opposite of this one. So we are going to make it about us and our limits based on our values, and not about them, or what's best for them. We stay in our own lane here, stay in our own lane. This works. And the reason this works is because it's argument proof, it cannot be refuted. This is my stance on my values. It's not an argument. This is my reality. This is what I'm living in. This is my life. This is what I'm going to do. Here's how it's affecting me.
It's about me, it's not about you. It's about me.
Yeah, I'm having questions about this, about what I'm trying to find a gray area when it comes to alcoholism and asking people not to drink.
Let's let's let's dig into that. Go ahead.
I want you to help me dig into this is what I'm asking you to understand what I'm saying. So because example you're running through in your mind, because I had an example, you know, like, I feel uncomfortable when you drink, you know, going forward, I will I will remove myself from your presence. If you decide to drink? Is that a way of controlling somebody? Or is that protecting your values?
If one of your values is okay, I had this conversation right before we started. So when if one of your values is, let's say it's clean body clean mind and health, okay, that's one of your values. And I think that absolutely What's What's your intention for not wanting to be around it? Is it because you don't want to be in an environment where you could be led to do it,
okay, is that it could be because they know that when they drink, it's going to cause a problem there's going to be, it's going to be, they're going to be mean they're going to be angry, they're going to throw things, it's going to be a totally different person or they're emotionally detached, like there's so much more that goes into it. So
that's great. So as long as it goes back to a value that you can defend, that's a boundary you put in place for you. Okay, so I had this conversation on the phone earlier with a good friend, and we were talking about this very thing. And he said that he had a friend who was in a relationship with somebody. When they got together, everything was fine. He was a social drinker. They were all I mean, I'd say big drinkers, everyone's kind of a big drinker in college is what
you do. He got with this person, and about three or four months in the relationship, she drops us on him and says, I don't like alcohol and I don't want you drinking. Okay. The end there was really no explanation as to why it was I don't want you drinking. I don't want you around it. I don't want to be around it. So she hated everyone. of his friends, and he loved the girl. So to placate her and to keep the relationship, he stopped
drinking, he quit drinking. And anytime he did drink, it would be like once or twice a year at weddings or something like that. And he had no tolerance. And so he would get like, you know, absolutely annihilated and make a fool of himself, okay, which probably gave her actual purpose for this thing. But the, the boundary that she put in place was to manipulate and control him to be a partner that she desired, was to make him something that he really wasn't. And I feel like that's
manipulation. Because if she came to the relationship and said, This is who I am, this is what I'm about. I think you give him a decision to make at that point, right, as opposed to being dragged in and then told, okay, now that you've had a taste moving forward, this is what this is what it has to look like moving forward. So if she came from a situation say that she grew up in a family aware, it was ripped apart by addiction. No, that's not fun. We know that leaves scars and
trauma. Yeah, you don't wish to be around it for those reasons that this is the result of drinking in my experience is it rips apart families, nothing good comes from it. I also come from a family where addiction runs in, you know, the genetic line. And I fear that if I'm with someone who's drinking all the time, I could slip into the same habits, and I could destroy my own life. That's not what the conversation was about. It was about I don't like a partner that drinks because, okay,
that's just it. She wanted him to quit hanging around stupid friends and acting like a child. Okay, it wasn't about
it could have been addressed much differently. It wasn't
so much about her need for safety or security. Okay, it was about her wanting to manipulate a partner that she saw. Okay, does that make more sense?
Yeah. But I still feel like this is me wanting a partner that's more fit to like, but it's different because it's because they're actually being, you know,
abused. quences. So let's just Okay, so we're not talking about someone who's casually drinking here. I don't think that most of our listeners have partners that are crying.
I'm literally this is my black or white all or nothing thinking. So I need you to bear with me. And a lot of our listeners are going to have the same cognitive erosion have the question, because this is something that I've had to work on for many years, and it still pops up occasionally. Obviously, it's popping up right now. And I'm having questions about it. And I know that there's a gray area here, area here, but I'm trying for the listeners, because I know they're going to
ask the same question. Okay.
So when it comes to alcoholism, and addiction, it doesn't take long to figure out where your values have been violated. And why this is not something that you want in your life. Yeah, that's so it has affected your security, literal security, some of these people have been abused and physically harmed or emotionally abused, or had their children put in danger, right, because of this person. Drinking and driving. They could be doing all sorts of kinds of crazy things like that.
Right? We also have the fact that this could be financially we have people who, who will spend money that they don't have, they will, you know, financial,
their lives apart like this, it's there's so much going on in their lives. That's really just it's just tearing them apart. Yeah. And it's all based on security.
I mean, you name it, these people don't feel safe in their own skin, or their own emotions in their own home.
And they feel lost, they feel confused. They feel like they're to blame. They feel so many emotions, and they've lost who they are. That's where you know that boundaries need to be put in place. Right? If this and it's appropriate.
Absolutely. And there's also ancillary effects from alcoholism. So you've got not just with someone who's drinking, like they're just drinking, we're usually not just sitting there quietly drinking, some do. But a lot of times you get people who are incredibly emotionally abusive, they're calling you names. They're making comments about your weight. Yeah, they're there. They're telling you that you're, you're lower than low that You're scum, that you're the problem. You're the reason for
all their problems. You know, these aren't, these are things that I think are worth putting a boundary in place for, you're protecting yourself, how was this good for you? Absolutely. To be in this type of environment, right, as opposed to someone who's having a few drinks now. And then
yeah, so it's to protect you in these very serious situations not to actually control the alcoholic or addict to change their ways because you have to go in knowing that they may or may not change their ways.
But even if you just didn't want to be around drinking, let's say one of your values was personal growth and you felt at your core that alcohol could be a violation to that you have the right to set a boundary, you just have to be prepared with what could what the fallout could be from that. Okay, then that's fair. If you're willing to die on that hill, then great. Yeah. Good for you. Yeah, that means you feel strongly about your values. And yeah, I think that's wonderful.
Okay, that that covered the answer that Well, thank
you. I want do you understand where I was coming from for sure. Okay. That's
a great question to ask. Because you're right. Yeah. All or nothing thinking is the set the root of a lot of this thought. Absolutely. And that's why boundaries can Be so freakin difficult. Yeah. And so we just so we cover the do's and the don'ts and I think some that something unspoken here. I think there's an acid test for what a good boundary and bad boundary
is. And so this is something we like we just discussed this kind of an acid test of like, just looking at it right off the bat, let's let's discover if this is that this passes the boundary test or fails the boundary test. Am I trying to just change someone for no good reason? Or am I actually protecting myself? Okay. So number one, why is this boundary important to me? What's the motivator? Another way of saying that is what value is
this protecting? Okay, if you can answer that question, you're in good shape so far. Number two, is this for you? Or for the other person? Is this for you? Or the other person? Okay, question two to ask yourself. Three, Is this realistic? Is this realistic? Very difficult one to answer. And I think you could make a case that sometimes it's not realistic at the moment. And there are other times where you could also make the case that if you really wanted to figure it out, you
could Yeah. Difficult. Everyone's situation is different. But Is this realistic? The last one, what are you going to do after you apply it? So once you install this bad boundary, what are you going to do what's left in the wake? And understanding and knowing well, that this very well could kill the relationship? Yes, this could Yeah. It could happen. I could.
It's it's incredibly difficult for an empathetic, compassionate person, which codependents are, they just the hallmark of being codependent is that you care so deeply about this person. And you cannot fathom watching them do this to themselves. But you have to remember that, in some ways, they are making a choice. Now I know addiction is a disease. And I want to get into that right now. I have addiction
I have this. I've always kind of referred to as like a mental illness like it's, yeah, there's something in me. But we all have the power of choice there. When people say that they have lost the choice to drink, I'll tell you what that actually feels like and what it actually looks like, for me, I used for years and years and years and years.
And I got to a point where I became physically dependent and mentally dependent on the drug, I could not get through the day, physically, because I would be in too much pain, I'd start throwing up I would start sweating, I'd be absolutely miserable. So when the decision is just deal with it, and don't use and miss work, don't pay your bills. You know, don't don't give any attention to your wife or children or take a pill. It's a pretty easy choice to just take the pill. So in some
ways, you lose the choice. Like the compulsion is so great that you can't even help yourself. You just do it. Yeah. And the other piece of that is behaviorally, we lose the ability to to deal with life in any other way except with this magical trick, which is taking a substance to make it better. But I can tell you when I was in the middle of it even when it was at its strongest, I still knew what I was doing and I had guilt and I had regret up until the point that buzz hit me and then I was
fine. I was perfectly fine. They are ill they are sick, but this is a treatable disease okay, yes and rock bottom looks different for everyone chances are you are not going to create a situation which just you know suddenly makes them see okay I'm at the I'm at the bottom I'm at maybe you do but you hit rock bottom is inadequate when you stop digging when I stopped digging when I made the decision that
enough was enough. Yeah. And it was never more evident that I was at rock bottom is when I saw you start to pull away from codependent behaviors and start to live your life. Yes, I was like I'm losing her man. Holy shit. I'm at the bottom this is it. Everything they said would happen is happening right now. I can't stop she's leaving. I'm gonna lose it all. I got to do something that for me is what bottom look like but I think that in general I'm an advocate of pretty low pain tolerance.
Because I've seen people ride this deal for 40 years before they realize you know what maybe I'm done but you'll know when your heart when you've had enough as an addict you'll know in your heart when you've had enough it's I think it's really tough as a codependent to understand that like your actions very well could lead to a situation with this person. Maybe their use gets worse.
Maybe they self harm maybe they threatened things God knows what I'm just asking you for a moment to consider yourself gonna
say that I was gonna say you're freakin worth it to your life is worth it to your you. You deserve to be happy too. And the only way to do that is to focus on you set your boundaries up and be okay with whatever happens.
Yeah, and we've we've dedicated our lives to this mission at this point, like I'm not like, I still work with addicts one on one, don't get me wrong. It's part of my recovery. Tomorrow night, I will be at a treatment center talking to people one on one for an hour or more. What we are more concerned with here more than anything, is the spouse or partner or loved one of an addict or alcoholic. Because so often the conversation steers away. And you're forgotten. No one asked
how they're doing. Yeah. And when I got sober, I got chips. I got parades thrown for me. What did you get? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I remember you being in tears. I was like when I got my one year chip, and you're like, what about me?
I know what I've been through. Yeah,
no one celebrates me, no one talks about my experience here. No one talks about what you went through. For me to get to where I am today. And very few addicts have this conversation either. They're not talking about what they put their spouse through, and how that could have been easier and ways to prevent this moving forward and ways to get them into situations that are healthier for them. No one's talking about this. We're talking about this, though. Yeah. And that's what Tufo is
about. That's what we're here for. So we love you all. And we will love you until you can love yourself. That's what we're doing here. Yep. I want to put that out full. I want to put that out there. I just, I read the stories now. And like holy crap,
Matt's had a lot of eye opening experiences the past couple of weeks and the Tufo community. And he's looking at this experience from a totally different light. Because he says that in a and they don't talk about the spouses never talk about what they've put us through. And he's seeing it from other people. And it's been kind of, it's been emotional for him. I'm just speaking for you. But it was like,
we've had I mean, I was in tears like bawling my eyes out reading someone's story in the group the other day, I'm like, we just don't talk about this stuff. We don't talk about what what these other people go through. And the the battle that they're gonna have to fight that no one seems to address. There's a few articles online, and that's it. There's nothing else for him out there.
I mean, it breaks my heart or stuff, but we are very stubborn people to, to where we don't look through, you know,
yeah, like I was telling Paige, I said, every addict in recovery should have to do what we're doing. Yeah, they really want to see the wreckage of it. If you really want to get a feel for it start to work with the spouses and loved ones. Yeah, you have no clue the damage and the amount. And even with our own marriage, like, we still uncover things. Yeah. And like you want to talk about really letting this resonate and sit in
as the abuser. But there's nothing more powerful than that, than having to sit in it and live with it, and then work through others and help them through it. Yeah, like, is it this is our way of giving back my way of giving back, I suppose. And I think this is your way of just standing on a platform and saying, I'm here today.
I'm here. Yes. I'm giving them a voice that I did not have back then. And I think it's so huge for those people to have a voice. It
is man. It's it's tough. And the result of your boundary kind of going back to the discussion very well could be that your relationship ends there. It could it you will feel guilty, you will feel remorse, you will feel like you are withdrawing from a drug. Yes, what's going to be like detox, because you will, your greatest fear has come true that you are alone. Yeah, that you're alone.
But you take that time to love yourself, learn to love yourself, again, pick yourself back up. And then you'll realize that what you've been through is going to make you stronger over time. But if you don't set boundaries, and you keep doing the same thing you've been doing over and over again, it's going to be worse. 10 years down the road, you are going to be miserable, you're going to be in a place that you never thought
you would be. So right now you have to make that decision to set boundaries and that are going to be it's gonna be hard. It's gonna be hard as hell, it's gonna feel icky. It's going to feel unnatural, but it is going to be the best thing for you. Yeah, this is not easy. No. And it's going to feel like you're going backwards in a way because you're like shit, what did I just do? But it can become so empowering. It really can.
Our goal is to help you walk on your own two feet and look in the mirror and be proud of the person that you see. Yep. And know what you will and will not tolerate and we're not we're not addicts bashers. I'm not an addict basher. I'm an addict. I have compassion for addicts, but I know addicts different than you know, addicts. I am one I know what we go through. I know what we suffer with. And I promise you the story you tell yourselves that we are just helpless babies that can't
control it is incorrect. We we have a choice in this we do. So I know that you're compassionate. I know that you care. I know that you want us well, and we want to be well in some ways, too. But they'll get well when they're damn ready. Yeah, okay. Don't, don't put yourself in your life and your dreams at risk until they're ready. Yep. That's a really tough thing to hear and maybe controversial, but I'm just I'm concerned about the other person
here. I'm not so much concerned about the addicts at treatment centers, they can go get help, they got programs, a million different ones, their options, but for you, options are limited. We know what works here based on what we've done what we've gotten out of. So listen up if you're interested. Okay.
So let's talk about examples, actual examples and what you do, and how you Okay, so we have this.
So the acid test is the boundary we're setting first of all, if it fails that test, you probably need to reevaluate Is this a healthy boundary or not? Go back to the drawing board. But if it is, if you pass the acid test, let's go through some examples. We spend a lot of time Oh, oh, there we go. Let's do it. Okay.
I was gonna say that if you have set boundaries in the past that you might be questioning now and you're thinking oh, shit, I did this for the other person, not me. Give yourself grace. It's okay. Boundaries, do take practice. You're not in a bad person for doing that. I'm glad you said that. Because I want you to know that I've I've done that before, too. I've set stern bad boundaries in my mind are out there. And you'll have to adjust them and make an apology. Whatever. That's okay. Give
yourself some grace. If you've done that, if you're listening to this, and you're like, Shit, I did it wrong. No, it's not wrong. It's prac looking at his practice, you're actually a step ahead of a lot of people who haven't set any boundaries. So look at the bright side of it.
Yep. Just know the boundaries with difficult people will be difficult. They will be messy. People will revolt get mad blame all kinds.
That means the boundary was supposed to be in place and I'll will stand my ground. There you go.
If they do, there's a chance that you landed right on the nose. Yeah. Okay. So let's just go through some examples and not necessarily we've talked spent a lot of time on the addict alcoholic relationship, but boundaries are applicable in every part of your life. Okay, yeah. Take us through number one page.
Um, I didn't really want to do that one. I'm gonna do this one. I like
number one you do? A lot of people are in this. Okay. So mostly codependence because what do you do?
More, we're gonna do what everybody ever say No, right? You're right. Okay, I'm gonna take I'm gonna do number one is like at work. I feel overwhelmed. When you constantly give me additional tasks without discussing my workload. Going forward, I need us to discuss my workload and prioritize my tasks together. So I want to say that this is not a blame. This is not pointing fingers. This is you stating how you feel at first overwhelmed, because I feel overwhelmed. When you going
forward. I will do this.
And it's just having a discussion. Yes. It's a very soft boundary. You're not saying I will, you know,
I will call Combinator, whatever else start small. Start small and after
violation after violation you can get you can adjust these Yep. Start slow, though. That's I think it's a soft wonder to start with.
Yeah. Okay. So with family, I feel disrespected. When you make negative comments about my lifestyle choices going forward, I need you to respect my choices and not make negative comments about them.
So just took it a level up a little bit, asking for the the negative comments. Okay, I have used to start asking you to not to say those things. I'm not saying you need to change your mind. No, I'm not saying you should vote my way. I'm just asking that you not say these things.
Right. In a romantic relationship, I feel uncomfortable when you make plans without consulting me first. Going forward, I need us to discuss plans together and make decisions as a team. That's not asking for too much.
No, you're asking for a conversation. That's it. This This facilitates further growth for both people as well, as a great boundary.
With friends. I feel hurt when you cancel our plans without giving me enough notice. Going forward, I need you to give me at least 24 hours notice when you need to cancel our plans.
Yep, that's a good one. in a social setting. I try to hold on though. What? If someone no one told me? You got to give me two. So I work in logistics. And it's all about like time timeframes. And notice, if someone that for friend of mine told me this, I would probably just block their number.
And that's totally acceptable. They're better off for it. Right? Right. That means okay, maybe we just weren't meant to be that's okay. I was waiting for you to say something. All right. in a social setting, I feel uncomfortable. When you make jokes at my expense going forward, I need you to refrain from making jokes that are hurtful or disrespectful to me or anyone else in our group. So with these, there was no consequences that were put in place. So you
kind of have to, you're asking for further conversation. Yes.
You're asking me to talk about it. And then if it continues to happen, you can reevaluate your relationships. You can see okay, you know what, this isn't going to work out. I'm not going to be at this job anymore. I need to take less time with my family. But I need to leave this person in my relationship. That person is just not a good friend for me, you know, that's okay, change your friend group, you're still giving them the opportunity to
make a change. But I will also say that sometimes you don't have to verbalize your boundaries. Tell me what you mean. Because I believe that if you are standing up for your own values, your actions are going to show what your boundary is. And that's what I did with Matt, you know, I was angry that he didn't ever want to leave the house. And he wanted to stick around at home and drink and do drugs all the time. And I was like, I want to be with my
family. So I would just leave. I didn't know discussion, I would leave I'm like, I'm
you weren't even mean about it. You're just like, Alright, I'm out of here. I'm about nine,
I'm done peace. That was a nonverbal boundary that I showed with my actions.
I remember when the first few times you do that you close the door, and I just want shit.
Yeah, yeah. So whenever you have your values in place, and you know who you are, and you know, whenever they're being value, they're being violated, violated, thank you, it's easier for you to just show up by your actions and show what you accept and what taught what you tolerate and what you don't.
Before we get on to boundaries. For an addict. I did want to say something we discussed all or nothing thinking and how that calm tends to be a common attribute of codependent. When it comes to all or nothing thinking and boundaries. Let's say that you've got a boundary around a friend who was always late, you've got a friend who shows up to the airport late, they never call you back on time. They never pay you back on time, like whatever it might be, they're
just always late. And let's say that you communicate the boundary and this person shows up two minutes late. Okay, all or nothing thinking here would say well, we crossed the boundary stick on, you're done by it doesn't have to work that way. Right? You can you can kind of bend these however you want to however you see fit. And however you feel is appropriate. There is no boundaries are up in the sky, that's going to judge you on how you enforce your boundaries. Right? It's appropriate for you.
Right? But this is with like mentally stable people, it's easier to communicate those your friends and family around, you're gonna listen to you and be like, okay, you know, I'm gonna I'll work on that, you know, with an addict or a mentally unstable person. It is not gonna go that easily. Yeah, it is almost. You got to kind of, I don't know, there's wiggle room, but not as much wiggle room.
Yes. You know, a good way to put it. Use your best judgment here. It doesn't have to be completely black or white. Yeah. Now, if you're fed up, it could be a black or white deal. That could but do you completely throw away a friendship for 20 years, because they were late for two minutes? After you communicated it for the first time? Maybe you give them a chance to figure it out? You know, it's new for them. Yeah, they're gonna figure it out.
Okay. So when it comes to an addict, you might say something like, I feel uncomfortable when you drink. And you could even go as far as to say, I fear from my well being my security or financial security, you could describe the reasons here for why you feel uncomfortable, that's fine. You don't even have to go that far. I'm just going to give an example here. Going forward, I will remove myself from your presence. If you decide to drink, you, unfortunately have to take an
active role in the action. And this is what sucks about boundaries is that you unfortunately have the higher burden than the pain in the ass person does. Yeah. And a lot of people hate hearing that. That's the way boundaries work. So let's say that the boundary is crossed once again, what do you do? You enhance the consequence. So I only like to work consequence there. So you enhance the action? Yeah, you enhance the the outcome. Yeah, I feel uncomfortable and
disrespected when you drink. So going forward, I will leave for multiple days. Maybe you go stay with a friend with your parents or whatever else. And I think that in some ways, boundaries when it comes to an alcoholic or addicted relationship. In some ways, you are sort of tapering yourself off of the relationship. I think that you're sort of getting yourself used to life without this person. And this is one of the ways that you do it is sort of removing yourself from the
situation. Sometimes they will surprise you, and I hope they do. I hope that they decide this is enough. But when they don't, in some ways, what you're doing is you're preparing yourself for life without them Yes. It's really really tough because I think that people when they first come to us are like helped me save my marriage. Like I just I want to give you a huge hug and say I just want you to see let's just worry about you for right now.
When you love yourself and you are your your self esteem is high. It's you can get through anything like it's so much easier to get through all this stuff. It's It's gonna take some time and some patience and some practice and yeah, sorry.
No it hey, listen, if you're, if you're, if your values are being violated, like we talked about having a pretty, pretty short, clear conversation, neutral conversation, I think it's fair, you could say, you know, I think treatment may help you, meetings may help you. That's fair, you can have you can say that. And if they choose not to get help, go back to your values. And ask, if that's the kind of person that you want to spend your life with someone who's disrespecting
your values. And, you know, maybe it's time to reevaluate your relationships and what you stand for
a lot of times, addicts and alcoholics are violating almost every value you have in place for yourself. Yeah, at least whenever I think about it, and I, you know, there are people in my life who violate every single value that I have,
people will argue this, but I can speak from experience to say that at the root of a lot of addiction of selfishness, I didn't care about anyone else, or who got hurt necessarily. As long as I felt the way I needed to feel now, doesn't mean I wanted to hurt anyone else. I didn't want to hurt I didn't start by saying like, I hope this hurts them. I want them to hurt. No, I just don't think that when it came down to me getting what I needed versus like you going through a tough
time I won every time. So there was a degree of selfishness there. Yeah. I was concerned with me what I needed. As soon as you started to do the same thing. I kind of started to see the light. I don't think that's a coincidence.
Yeah. Dang. But I don't think it's selfish.
What you were doing wasn't selfish. Oh, no, you were just living you. You were just doing you. Yeah, focusing on me, and started taking care of yourself. Yeah. And we are probably the rare case where things worked out. And I want I wish everyone relationships work out. Like I want to be sitting at dinner with the listener and their partner one day, and talking about how they work through all these things I do. But I would also like to meet someone who learned more about themselves,
and what they stand for. And how they learn to walk on their own two feet for the first time in their life. Yep, I would love to have that dinner conversation to wish the other person all the best hope of doing well. And you pray for them and your heart still breaks for them. And you still love them. But you will not set yourself to that type of abuse anymore. That right there. So I think I think that wraps up boundaries for us.
Yeah. So the equation is your value plus violation, which is episode one plus Episode Two equals that equals your boundary.
And everything that we discussed around the boundaries, the do's and the don'ts. There's a lot here to digest, you might need to live gives one a lesson or two. Yeah, we've got guides on this stuff as well.
Yeah. And I'm sure we will go down this road again, at some point to probably when we come up with some more information or more examples that we've seen, for sure. Or that we do say so. Yeah, it's a big topic that a lot of people can benefit from
it is in yellow, but there's so much to I really do. I hope this was helpful. I hope that you took something away from this, whether it be you know, some of the truth bombs or some of the just the information that's going to help you actively go out and set a boundary. I hope that something here was helpful for you. Yes. Awesome. Well, I think that's all we've got anything any updates in the Tufo universe here? No, no, I don't think so.
No, man, I just appreciate everyone that listens and like, participates and engages and they reach out and help other people going through the same thing like this thing's blossoming and I love to see it. And I think each and every one of you for sharing a little piece of your soul with us and other people that are involved in the community and it's a release. I love that
y'all have a voice now. Is it
alright, well, until next time, I am Matt, I will see you