That sounds pretty toxic to grill
how we speak. Like we have strong opinions on this,
man. It's it's sorry, it's gonna be honest Sorry. It's
too full authenticity. You're right, something that we don't condone, I think it's, it's icky. And it's gross. And if that's what you do, you might want to question something, you might want to question that.
Welcome back, well come back to another episode of till the wheels fall off. I'm Matt. And we are picking up right where we left off from last week in our boundaries series, a three part series. This is part two, following up part one from last week. If you haven't already heard that one, I suggest you go back and check that one out. So that this makes some sort of sense to you. So last week, we covered what are your values, what your
values are? And that's where we start when it comes to setting any kind of boundaries, really discovering what are we about? In part two? We're going to discuss the opposite of them. What are your anti values? The opposite of those? What are the things that make you uncomfortable?
What pisses you off?
And I liked it. We're going about it this way. Like I said, a lot of people cover boundaries, but they don't do it like this. Yeah, I think that this is a very succinct and a way to just make sense. As you kind of roll through this, you have to figure out what your values are. And now let's figure
out what disturbs me. What disturbs me so, and Paige put this series together, and I cannot thank you enough for digging into this and doing the brain damage to get us here because I think it's going to be helpful for a ton of people. Well, the
experience helped as well, the experience, you helped thanks, I hope,
in a roundabout way,
just being with you is helped.
I'm the guinea pig in this deal. Okay, so as discussed, we discuss values in our last episode, things that are important to us. So let's look at the actions and behaviors that make us feel uneasy or disrespected. So think of a time you were in a conversation or an argument with someone or you're in an uncomfortable situation. It just made you feel awful. It made you question your reality. And sometimes these are just gut feelings like something's just off when you spend time with
these people. Maybe you find out that they're going to be at a gathering that you're going to as well. And you just sort of have that. Like, you know what I mean that to stay in it? Yeah, yeah, that feeling let's let's focus on that for a moment because it is important. So Paige, walk us through some examples of what some of these things are some of these actions that make us uncomfortable, cuz I think on the surface level, we
all know what it feels like. But it's really hard, especially as a codependent to focus on what the actual action was. Because first of all, we don't know who we are, what we stand for. So once you've done that, and let's discuss some of these the actual things that cause the angst.
Okay, so the first one is yelling or shouting at someone. Yeah, we have a lot of experience with that one.
Jeez, do we ever. I don't want to derail us too quickly here, because I know we just started the episode. Now we're
gonna go through example, we're gonna go through these examples. And then we're going to tell you all what we have dealt with in our own personal lives. With these examples,
chances are, if we've dealt with it, you've probably dealt with it to some degree as well. They're not special people. And yelling or shouting has always been a big one for me. So in my in my home growing up, there was a lot of yelling and shouting. And that's how communication was done. It was usually done at decibels that would just pierce your ears. And to this day, this is like this makes me just shrivel and cringe when people get loud. Especially in like disagreements, like we
don't have to yell to talk. We don't have to yell to disagree. We don't have to yell to get our points across. I think that once you've done that you've kind of lost like, like you once your vocabulary is spent and you have nothing else you just start yelling. It's just to me, it is a sign that you do not know how to communicate.
Yeah, you've lost all control. So I was a yeller. And Matt used to tell me all the time that he would divorce me if I kept
yelling, figure out how to fix this man.
You know that right? You remember? Yeah, I remember saying like, Dude, I was asked that all the time. Like, don't keep up hated the yelling. And I have to say it has been a challenge to not yell and I think I've done a pretty damn good job at it. You have I've done a credible job. I've gotten better so much, but like, there are times of course that I will I will raise my voice because I am kind of loud. And it does. It's, you know, but I used to do
it. So out of out of habit, like it was just how I communicated and it is not a good habit to have. Yeah, thank you. Thank you for your work on this one because it's made things much more pleasant around here. And for our children. They're also growing up in a home where yelling isn't the preferred mode of communication, which I think is important for them and their children one day as well. Yes.
and breaking generational curses here?
Absolutely. So we put boundaries in place for that, like, that's something that we can show you as an example.
Yep, is yelling, that's an example of something that may make you feel uncomfortable. Yeah,
the next one is going to be interrupting or talking over others. Mm hmm. I'm going to let you talk on that one.
So, once again, I've had someone in my life that was really bad about this, where you could be in a conversation with them, and they just conversations. So I use the word conversation carefully. Because that's what things are supposed to be even when you disagree with someone you have a conversation about it. But what typically how these things rolled was this person would just talk at me. And you know, I've got a perspective here, I've got feelings, I've got
things I need to express. And when you're not allowed to do that, it's extremely frustrating. And so with, I don't want to get too far ahead of ourselves into into the next episode. But I did set a boundary here, a lot of the communication was over the phone, but some of it was in person. And when things got too heated, I would just calmly say, if you're not going to let me talk with you, then I'm hanging up the phone. And then I guess they would just, you know, call
my bluff. And they would keep talking, and yelling and being rude and saying ugly things and I would just hang the phone up, calmly Hang the phone up. And then I would block the number. And I would might leave it that way for a week, two weeks. And like, I'm just I'm not dealing with this, you are not going to treat me this way. It's not okay. I don't care. And it's this is where I'm at with it. And if I'm in the room with this person, I'd calmly walk out and
I would just leave. And that's my way of telling you, this is not how you are ever going to be able to communicate with me. If we're going to have a relationship, we're going to talk like civilized people.
Right? Yes, great boundary. That was a great example. Thank you for sharing that. Yeah. There's a lot. That's not me. I don't I don't really interrupt people.
No, you're the best listener. I know.
Because I know how it feels. Now with children, though. It's another thing that you can help with setting boundaries, because kids are always going to interrupt us. It's just kind of how we're wired. They don't know any better. So you can practice with your kids. If they're interrupting you and be like and say, you know, we don't interrupt people. If you keep doing it,
I don't recommend blocking your kid for two weeks.
But no, I'm not saying to go that Johnny's like, but I'm hungry not talking about to that extent, because that's different children don't know any better grown adults should know better.
They should and if they don't, you're gonna teach you. Right,
exactly. All right, so the next one is going to be invading personal space. I don't like my personal space to be invaded. I think it's kind of an HSP thing for me.
I think it's a mom thing to grow up with these little Nikes crawling all over you.
Yes. I was gonna say you just interrupted me. That was rude. I'm sorry. I did it
again. Please don't walk out of the podcast. We've got to get this out to the people.
Okay, well, anyway, what I was gonna say I was gonna say the same thing.
I'm sorry. Off mic. I'm over here. laughing I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you again. Go ahead and proceed. Do
you think you interrupted me? Or did you feel like it was appropriate for you to speak at that time?
I thought it would just be funny if I said something at that moment.
Okay, well, you kind of put words in my mouth because I was gonna say, I think it's a mom thing. Because the first like five years of your children's life, they're constantly on you. And they're all in your space and in your area. And it's okay, it's okay. I understand that. But now as they're older, I'm like, I need space because I don't like to be touched.
And I know when you don't want to be messed with to you do know. Yeah, you've got my body. You got an energy so loud, like I can hear it. And I'm like, I'm not messing with her right now. Man, I can't pay I came home on Friday. And you you were in your in that mode. And you're just like, I just don't want to be messed with. Don't touch me don't even come within six feet of me like you put a circle around you. Like one of those spirits circles of assault. Yeah, don't come near me.
Yeah. So do you think that this would also apply for people who are like reading your notes or your journals or reading things that are personal to you? Would that be invading personal space? Without
a doubt? I don't think it's just your personal like your, like your immediate space around your person. I think it's your things as well. Yeah. Yeah. Reading someone's journal, like we can get into that. That's a whole nother level of breaking trust and crossing boundaries. But yeah, I think that it also has to do with your things and the things that you hold dear and things that like are sort of extensions of you. Yep. So yeah, I think that that's more than
fair. And I think that you could also look at this, like if you work with someone who's a close talker. We all know close talkers. You don't talk about humor worked with
my gosh, yes, it did. The person just popped into my head from back in the day, man. With that I get out of my space that is not appropriate.
I knew one of these guys and I did this. This is a work thing. And he would get so close to me. And like he was also one of those guys when he'd be telling a story he would like aggressively like, smack you on the back or like touch your shoulder. During like, pull you down and it's like I remember just telling him just putting my arm and my hand on the shoulder was like, give me some space in like dead serious just said it. Really I stopped doing it, but
that's awesome. I think it killed him to not do it because it's just how he was, but it's made me uncomfortable. I didn't like it.
Well, good for you for speaking up. A lot of people wouldn't do that. Yeah. Can you think of anything else?
No close talkers. That was the last one.
Okay. The next one is going to be excessive criticism or nitpicking.
What do you got to say here page essay for yourself?
Yeah, that that was me. I was very excessive criticizing. I kind of that was part of my upbringing in some aspects. So it was kind of inbred in me to where we would like I would criticize you I would want you to be a certain way I would actually point out your flaws or your mistakes and it's like, Damn, that's wrong.
I swear that sometimes like walking in your house as a teenager, it's like it was a frat house. And the moment you walk in everyone is just like, dissing you and doggone you and messing with you and it's like, an insecure 15 year old kid like and I just left the barbershop I'll never forget it man. I left the barbershop and I came over and I knew that my haircut didn't look that great but I walked in and pages like you look like Hilary Swank from Boys
Don't Cry. Which is a hilarious cut down but it killed me man. Worst haircut I've ever had. I'm sorry. Worst haircut I've ever had. It was a hair sensations in Rowlett, Texas. Don't go there. That is true. I mean, hurt anyone's business. But
I mean, it was it was all out of love though. Growing up. The criticism was not meant the intentions were not meant to hurt people. But that doesn't mean anything. You know, it's still as far as people criticizing people sucks like nitpick. What did I nitpick? Is there anything that I nitpicked?
You're not really nitpicky, it was just criticism. Okay? It was really criticism. It wasn't like the nitpicky stuff.
Yeah. And that's one thing I admire about you. You've never criticized in a way, you know, that made me feel less than,
you know, nitpicking, though, um, I do know someone in our lives that does this. And I think that I'm looking, I'm thinking about, like, my circle of people, your circle of people and other people I know. And I can identify about four or five of them. And I don't know why. But these are usually like, elderly women, like grandmothers
or like, in laws. And it's like, I don't know what it is about, like the elderly mother figure but they're nitpicky, nitpicky and critical you know, it could be a generation that was telling you like you're slouching stand up straight, like stuff like that, you know, never anything, like super harmful, but I guess it can be nitpicky. Yeah.
But it makes a lot of people uncomfortable. Yeah. All right. This one's gonna be fun. Ignoring or dismissing someone's feelings or opinions.
Then on to the next one.
I love how we have experience and all of these. It's kind of cracking me up.
This one's painful. But let's go through.
Okay. You want me to start? Yeah. Well, okay. So Matt had a very this is definitely Matt dismissing me and my feelings and my opinions. Obviously, we we've talked about how he's dismissed my opinions before and my values whenever he was using. But when it came to my anxiety and going through panic attacks and being very uncomfortable, he dismissed me heavily. He wanted me to just change he thought I was crazy. He was like, this is stupid, he would say really negative things
towards me. And what do you got to say about it now?
Ignoring or dismissing someone's feelings or opinions? Yeah, this one's like, it's rather serious for us. I think that there are points in your relationship, especially when you're younger, you get together with somebody. And without, I think intuitively, we all know that, like, you can't change other people. But I think there's another part of us that sort of finds the gray area
there. And they're like, Yeah, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't try to make people better, shouldn't try to improve people, you know, and I think that for the longest time, I looked at your anxiety as something that I could help you with. But what I was really doing every time that I was trying to quote unquote, help you is I was invalidating your emotions, I was invalidating your state of mind. And I was invalidating your experience.
And that took me quite some time to figure out because I thought that it was something you could just fix with a couple of mind games, a couple of mind tricks, like not that I was, like, manipulative, but just like showing you, like, you know, everything's okay. It's calm, it's fine. It's good. And that is not how you support someone with anxieties by telling them it's not it's not real. It's not, it doesn't exist, it's it, you shouldn't have it. And this took me quite some time to
figure it out. And like I'm ashamed to sit here and say this, but I'm just being honest and authentic is that I did these things at one point in our relationship. And it's, it's been something that we've really had to work through on a personal level as well because there's wreckage from that. There's a lot of there's a lot of parts of you Do I think that he's still scared to be vulnerable with with me when it comes to anxiety? Absolutely. And it's trust that I'll have to
earn back over maybe decades? I don't know. But I'm ready for it. I'm ready to do it. And I understand that what I did was wrong. And I'm just trying to make right by it now. But yeah, this was a really tough one. I think it's a, when you look at when you look at all of these that we're going through, this could be the most commonly shared of all of them is like feeling unsafe, and your own emotions in your relationship. When somebody ignores or dismisses your feelings or your
opinions. They're essentially saying that the way you feel is wrong. The way you are is wrong, you ought to be this other way. And it doesn't leave them feeling motivated. It leaves them feeling ashamed. And it makes them feel like they don't matter. And where are they? Right? Yeah. Did I cover that? Like, did what did I know you did great.
The only thing that I wanted to touch on with that is the way that you became aware of this, what you were doing is that we saw, you know, we went to therapy, we went to couples therapy together, therapy is great. And it really did open his eyes to a way of handling it better. And I thought that was awesome. And I'm really grateful. Because every time that something like comes up, and I do get vulnerable with you and my emotions and how I'm feeling you are so much better
than you used to be. And that's building the trust back slowly and surely. But it's like every single time it's built up just a little bit more.
Yeah. And without therapy. We probably never would have seen that. Do we had to have an inside voice?
No, because yeah, you couldn't I couldn't tell you you weren't gonna listen to me. You just like when you were an addict. You weren't gonna listen to me then or I'm not gonna listen to you during the anxiety. So that's, we had to get help. Yeah, somebody else.
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what's your next one is engaging in gossip or spreading rumors? This is a this is a behavior that makes me extremely uncomfortable. So if I'm in a situation where I feel like someone is gossiping, I will typically change the subject, or I will not engage in the conversation or Matt said I do something that he's witnessed before that I had never really realized that I do but I think it just comes naturally what did I do?
You stick up for people and you will, you will make the person gossiping, you will create empathy in that person. Like I've heard people gossiping, we've been at a table with a bunch of people or something like that, and they'll be gossiping. And you will be the one to stand up and your own way saying like, you know, that person may be going through a bunch right now. Like did you know this about them? Did you
pick them up? And like you essentially, in the kindest way possible you shut down the gossipers by creating empathy and letting people know that there's more to people than what you're talking about right at this moment. And I always thought that was like the coolest thing that you did, because you will stand up when everyone else is doing the wrong thing and do the right thing. And in that moment, you don't really care. Yeah, like, think less of me. I don't really care. I don't like you either.
Yeah. And I feel guilty when I gossip with people. I mean, of course there's times where we will probably say something or have an opinion to them. Like oh, man, I don't really feel that way. That's not not nice. But then I wonder you know why? This is probably why I don't have a lot of girlfriends. This is one thing because I feel like some relationships are based on Gossip. That's that's what they're all based on. And I just don't I don't tolerate that. It does not go with my
values. Yeah, for sure.
What's next making derogatory or offensive comments?
Yeah, this one's pretty self explanatory. But think about people that you're around. Maybe you've got extended family. Maybe you feel different ways politically or about things that are going on in society. There's some people that use language that is uncalled for, makes you feel uncomfortable makes you feel like this is just not a place I want to be right now. This feels Oh, it's gross. I don't like the conversation. I don't like what they're talking
about. People that make discriminatory remarks, or, I mean, sometimes for some people, it's even offensive humor. Like sometimes humor just goes too far. Maybe that joke was not funny to do. And these people constantly crossed the line with that. It creates discomfort, and I mean, it'll stress you out. Yeah. That was pretty self explanatory, though.
Right? I think we've all we've all dealt with this. I mean, we've even in our marriage, we weren't always kind to each other. No, we've said some hateful things to each other. I don't remember mine called me Hillary
swing from Boys Don't Cry, and I won't forget it anytime soon.
Never live that down.
It was funny. It was solid burn. It was great.
All right. The next one is excessive questioning or prying. You had notes on this one? Um, well, it's just really if somebody is upset about something, and you go to them and say, Hey, is everything okay? And they're like, everything's fine. You know, ask a question again. Are you sure? Like, no, it's all right. Or do you want to talk about it? And they say no respect that respect that? You know, we don't have to question them constantly and try to like pull information out of
them. Because they may not feel comfortable talking about it right now. In that moment. Matt will say otherwise, because women do play games.
So the ad this can backfire. And I'm just speaking from a male's perspective and things that me and my friends have talked about. You can like walk in and you can tell that your partner's a little upset about something you're like, do I take the bait? Sure. Okay. Hey, what's wrong? Nothing. Seems like Something's definitely wrong. Nothing. Okay, well, do you want to talk about
it? No. All right, well, I'm, I'm here, if you want to talk about it, and then you disappear the next room and then when the fight inevitably does happen, you get chastised and criticized for not asking what was wrong? Well, that's their problem, not getting it
out. That's childish. That is not appropriate communication skills. I'm just gonna throw it out there because I did it too. I used to do that. I'm not gonna lie, because I didn't know what to talk about it or I wanted you to fight for me or something. I don't know. But it's exhausting doing that. So freakin exhausting. Just be open and honest, or just don't say anything at all. But that's the whole point of this is don't, you don't have to pry.
Some people don't like it. When you pry and you get questioned constantly.
And I think about around particular topics, this might be more more in line with like a boundary you would put up, let's say that you've got a difficult relationship with somebody at work or something. And you guys have agreed not to talk about this, this thing at work because it causes problems in your marriage. A lot of people have this, it's like their jobs stresses them out like crazy. And they come home and they
bring it home. And then at some point, as a couple you agree, like Let's just not talk about things at work. But you can't help it. It bothered you. So when you get home, your spouse will ask well, what's wrong and you just say? Nothing. It's just just nothing. I think that in that moment, since you've communicated about it, you know, basically what it is. Let's just let them process it and get through it without prying and causing a fight. Yep. Because you end up right back to square
one. Yep, ultimately? Absolutely. I think that's a healthy boundary to put in place for that behavior. Yep. All right, the next one. So non consensual physical contact. I think so. Let's get into this one. And probably the easier of the two realms. The first one is like in your professional life. I haven't dealt with this. Well, actually, I guess I have no I have dealt with this. I have actually, I forgot about that.
So this has happened to me. If you're a woman, this is probably happened to you at some point to when someone touches you physically and you do not appreciate it. I do not appreciate that that was made me extremely uncomfortable.
This was going beyond invading personal space.
Episode gets 10,000 downloads by next week. I'll tell the story otherwise, keeping that to myself. Yeah, yeah. So I know that women have dealt with this much more than men historically, in the workplace where someone has just made you uncomfortable violating your personal space. Maybe it's even just like brushing up against your shoulder. Some little things like that. These are behaviors that make you feel
uncomfortable. Now, the other part of this is within a marriage and I think it's something that a lot of people probably don't Don't consider because it's marriage right. And so I think that a lot of, I'm gonna speak for men here, I think that a lot of men feel that whenever you get married to someone, it gives you the right to treat them like a domestic prostitute, where it's like, this is someone that you can just have your way with whenever
you want. And they forget the fact that this is a person who has feelings and emotions and moods. And they have, you know, their, their own needs, and they don't necessarily meet yours. But I think that there's always been this like, I don't know, this, like this toxic this is this is what people refer to as toxic masculinity, which is like, big, strong male going to take what he wants from female kind of monkey crap, you know, like, like, really primitive
stuff. But I mean, I think that for a lot of people, this is very real in their relationships. And you are not wrong to say that this makes me uncomfortable just because it's your husband. Yeah, I think that give yourself that, that space to process that. I think that's fair. You're hearing it from me. I'm telling you, it's okay. It's totally okay. Yeah. All right. What's next?
All right. microaggressions.
Oh, yeah, we had notes on this one as well. Yeah. It's
like household chores based on your gender. You know, like, it's your the wife has jobs. The man has jobs like it's just
yeah, like I don't do dishes. That's a woman's job. Oh, really? Remember that rule book we keep discussing show me where in the rulebook it says that I'm looking for that rule book and I'm looking on what page and paragraph that's it?
I'm sure there's
like yard work, right. Paige has waited at y'all. She's seen it. She's out there whacking weeds like,
boss. Oh, I need to repost that picture. wouldn't believe it, man. She's out there.
My boots like, yeah, we would tackle the yard like no one's business. Yeah. Then I come and sign but an apron on Amin, you are doing dishes like no one's business. Yeah. You know, we don't necessarily
taking the trash out. I'll take the trash out.
I'll take the trash out.
I have no, I have no beef with that. Like, okay. Yeah,
but but are the relationships probably maybe a little different? I would say yeah. I'd say that. Pretty good at this season. Everyone's reality. I think that's for some people, there are these microaggressions that make you uncomfortable? Or it's like, maybe you've got a chauvinistic person in your life that feels like there are women and there are men and men are somehow above that. Or vice versa. Maybe that could go the other way. Maybe you're a man or man
listening. And like you're told that you're nothing, women are superior, whatever else, but microaggressions can be really hurtful and make people uncomfortable. Yeah. All right. So let's go through. So we just described some of the behaviors that make you feel uncomfortable, right, some of these things. Maybe you can live with some of them to some degree? Absolutely. What are non negotiables? Okay, so first of all, what's a non negotiable?
This is something that you're just not going to tolerate here. You, right? I mean, like, you can set a boundary up with these if you're comfortable. But if it is, if that boundary is crossed, by like, no, but Matt and I have one specific non negotiable that we've had since we've been together, and if either one of
us does this, we are gone. And it is not even going to be a discussion, there's not going to be a discussion about it, there will not be therapy about it, there will not be work towards it. This is going to be like peace out. You betrayed me so much. And I'm gone. And that is cheating.
Yeah. And that might be controversial, because I know that some people have worked through it. Yeah. This is just our personal perspective on it. I think it's a wonderful thing. If you're able to do that man more power to you. For us from day one. It's like, I'm going to give you everything, and I expect everything in return. Please don't break that. Yeah. And that for us was always been one. It's like,
like, No, I couldn't I can't get past that. I can't come back from that. So and the other one that I think that that I have for you is substance abuse, if you were to pick up a drink, or if you were going to do pills, or do drugs again, like I'm gone. That's my non negotiable boundary these days.
Yeah. Harmful addictions. Any type of harmful addiction. Yeah. And I think that that's a fair boundary to have considering my past.
Yeah, because when you have the harmful addiction, all this other shit comes into play with it. It's not just the addict or the alcoholic. It's the behaviors that come along with that. That is so bad for you. This is so unhealthy in your relationship.
I've even told you if I somehow convinced you that I'm cool. 30 years from now, and I haven't touched the drink. And somehow I've convinced you that it's cool for me to drink. Run. Yeah, just run. Yeah, go Don't even say a word patched up and leave because something bad is going on inside. Yep. Get out, man. Yes, we're in a bad place. Some other non negotiables might be lying.
Yeah, I wanted to talk about that one. So Matt lied to me a lot for many years. But the thing is, is that I was in such denial that I didn't know that he was lying because he was eight Damn good liar. But these days that's a non negotiable for me because one of my values is, you know, honesty. So if you're going to lie to me, even small stuff like that just shows me that you don't respect me.
I agree with that. Yeah. I don't lie. No, you don't. Even if it's like some really crappy news I have to deliver. I'm gonna be honest about it. It's really
wild. How you have shifted in that because I you like I said, You lied so much. It was your whole life was a lie.
Yeah, I was a chameleon like everything was revolved around like half truths at best. Yeah. And you can't lie now.
It's like a thing. No, it's
like, movie liar. Liar. Yeah, right. Yeah, I wish my dad could not tell a lie. That happened to me. I know. I can't lie. And even if I feel like I'm doing something, like a little dishonest, I have a conversation with her about it. So we've got boundaries around what's discussed it work and what's not. And it's been something I've respected for a long time. But we were in the car together. We the road trip, I think we're driving down to grab the kids. It's like three hours middle the
night. And I was like, I've got something I have to discuss with you. Because it's just I feel like I've been dishonest here. And I'm not sure I want your perspective on it. Now I have the same conversations with my with my sponsor, my 12 Step sponsor. And I do the same thing. I call them up and it's like, Man, I need to bounce this off view. Feels kind of borderline. And then you talk about it, even if it feels a little bit off. I'm having a
conversation about it. Yeah. That's yeah, honesty is one of my values as well. Yeah, has to be has to be in order for me to maintain this this life that we've built. Another one, emotional or physical abuse. So we talked about the emotional abuse, when we talked about invalidating someone's feelings. And so another part of that would be physical abuse, which is actually harming someone or putting them in a position where they feel like they could be harmed, like threatened. That
kind of stuff. That for a lot of folks, that's a non negotiable. Yep, absolutely not tolerated. Another one is disrespect for boundaries, respecting personal boundaries, and not tolerating others who consistently disregard them. Man, there's some perpetual line steppers out there in the world as Dave Chappelle refer to them as just people who just can't help themselves, but by stepping over
boundaries. And so if you've got someone like this in your life, and it's like, you are a perpetual line stepper, and I will no longer tolerate it. That can be a non negotiable. Yeah, where it's like, I'm just, it's probably best that we just don't communicate anymore.
Yeah, it sounds like that saying, fool me once. Shame on you fool me. Twice. Shame on me. Yeah, that's how the a lot of these boundaries come into play. I always put that in my head all the time. I'm like, Oh, yeah. Now that's all me if I allowed you to keep doing it to me. Yep.
Another one. This is this is a big one to discrimination or prejudice. Yep. rejecting any form of discrimination from people. So whether that's based on race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, any characteristic of someone that is just innate in them, it's it's congenital, it's something that these things are not tolerated. Like these can be non negotiables. That is totally fine. If you were married to a racist, like, can you say that's a non negotiable? That's fair,
y'all. Yeah, totally cool. Yeah. But that's not normal behavior, absolutely. More than fine, you put a, you put a non negotiable boundary in place because of that. So these are things that make you feel uncomfortable once again, as we're kind of discussing this. And these will in turn help you set boundaries, which we will discuss in our next episode, we got a few more to roll through here. What's next betrayal
of trust?
Okay, roll through that well, having
a strong stance against betraying the trust of others, such as sharing confidential information or breaking promises, yes,
stories here.
I do have stories here. Matt, betrayed my trust a few times back in the day. It's honestly one of the things that I haven't. I'm not resentful towards it. But it's something that I'm very aware of, you know, when I do share certain things, because he, I would tell him things in confidence. And he would go and share that with people that he wasn't supposed
to be sharing it with. And he would tell me that he shared it, or I would find out through the grapevine that he shared it, and then whenever I would bring it up to him, he would say, That's stupid. Who cares? You know? So what if I said anything? If I said something, it's not a big deal page. And that kind of pissed me off. I mean, that's, you're betraying my trust, and I'm trying to piss you off. It was it's big deal stuff. It was no, it
wasn't like little piddly crap. It was like something and then I would tell someone that I trusted and I assume that she would trust as well. But that's not the case. She was just telling me and she wanted it to stop there. And then, you know, yeah, so I'm at the point now where if I get information that goes into the law, it goes in the in the safe and throw away the key, you know,
yeah, yeah, stays there. But I do have
to be careful on something. Yeah, that can be that can be a steal. That's taken
a long time for me to share the serious thing. Yeah. Do the next one.
Okay, so yeah, once again, kind of going back to the, the personal space, the touching consent, violation of consent, this can be in a marriage as well. So respecting the importance of consent in all of your interactions. You know, I've heard stories where this is for men where it's like, they feel like it is a woman's duty to provide sex, basically. Yeah. And I'm like, that is, man, I don't think that's how it works. Um, I don't know, maybe to each
their own. But that sounds like That sounds pretty toxic to me. I think real
how we speak. Like, we have strong opinions on this,
man. It's it's sorry, to be honest, sorry.
This is to fall authenticity. You're right. Something that we don't condone. I think it's, it's icky. And it's gross. And if that's what you do, you might want to question something, you might want to question that, because that's not. Yeah, no.
I mean, like, as a guy, like, why would you ever want to be with someone who didn't necessarily consent to it? Like, even if it's your wife? Like, it's not the that's not? It's not enjoyable?
No, and it's not intimate. And it's not like, it doesn't build your relationship to a better place. It actually, it's a transaction. It is, it's transactional, and it kind of breaks that trust a little bit. I think
it's so screwed up. I just think about, like me and you, like, when I'm into you, and you're into me, like, this stuff just happens on its own? Right? You will just force it.
No, no, and it's not like a reward system, either.
But I think for a lot of a lot of people, probably a lot of women like this is the reality they live in where it's like, their husband is just like sort of forces themselves on him. That's totally okay to say that that's not okay. But like, I am not your domestic prostitute. Like, I am a human being dammit, like, you can't treat me like this. That's totally fine. And there's a violation of consent. They're married or not like, I
don't care. I don't care. I don't want to get into the legality of all this crap and whatnot. This is just how I feel about it. My perspective is that this is someone that you love, and you chose, I mean, you You swore to, to honor and to hold dear and to respect and that is anything but anything, but I agree. And I can I can say for sure that I've never done this to you. Because what would be the fun at it anyway? Yeah, it's ridiculous. It feels?
I don't know. I don't I feel like we're gonna have a whole conversation on this. So we're gonna keep going on to the next one. I
like to earn my dinner. Okay. Oh, my God.
All right. So we already touched on the harmful addictions, that can be a non negotiable thing. Did you have anything to add on that one?
On the addiction? Yeah, yeah. So um, everyone's recovery looks different. Right. And for a lot of people, they will say something that I think is total BS. But people will say relapse is part of recovery. Okay. Is it a fact? Yes, it is that relapse is part of recovery. But does it have to be? No, it doesn't have to be part of recovery. I've literally heard people before they went into treatment, say, relapse as part of recovery, which sounds to me like a self fulfilling prophecy. Yeah.
You're just waiting for that moment. You're
not serious about this. Now, I am a one chip wonder. I picked up one desire chip was which is an outward symbol of an inward desire to stay sober for the next 24 hours as they are so rare, but it's doable, but I picked it up and I'm like, You know what? This is it for me. I'm doing this shit. Yeah, relax, doesn't have to be part of this. Now. I don't know what happens tomorrow. And I've never sworn off of drinking forever.
And I refuse to do that. I'm not drinking today, because I got a tiny little, like hamster brain. And the only way it works is if I say I'm not drinking today, I'm just gonna do that again tomorrow, and it's probably gonna go well, for me. Yeah. But to say that relapse is part of recovery. Okay. Yes, it is. But what is what is the person's intention with that, right?
Yeah. Like, if I were to get into a really bad space and go through another tough time, and like I had a relapse, I don't think he would just walk out. But I think that things would be on extremely thin ice. Extremely thin ice since like, okay, you've done this before. Obviously, something went wrong. But I think that at some point, that would be a non negotiable for you if I continued with it. You know, and listen, yeah, it's addiction disease. Sure it is.
Yeah. But it's also the most annoying disease that exists. And
that's a totally other episode. Okay. But we've had to go down this hole. Well, because people are like, well, they're relapsing. I know, but there's so much more to it than that. We have a different animal disease,
and we'll get into that. Yeah. But anyway, when it comes to harmful addictions, if this is something that's negatively negatively impacting their life and your life that is totally cool to say that this is a non negotiable for me. This is a non starter. Not even going further than that with it. Yep. Alright, what's next
or the next one is an ephah. Call behavior.
This is you,
this is me. Go for it. No, if you were to do anything like unethical, I'd be like bye because that goes against all of my values. Like I just don't you go rob a bank or you go do something. That's what what are some examples I had that I had written down and then unethical behavior? Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Okay, like cheating on the tax on your taxes. Yeah. Don't mess with the IRS do never don't do that kind of shit that would take us out of town for that. Yeah, absolutely. What else?
I mean, if you I don't know, I think so. My favorite show of all time is Sopranos. And possibly my favorite character of all time is Carmela soprano. And as much as I love, Carmela, she tolerated unethical behavior for a very long time. And she had the I love her story, because she's, she lives in like this spiritual disgust with herself for what she tolerates, but at the same time, it's like, she likes the things
that come with it. She kind of likes the thrill of it all and sort of in on it, but it still eats away at the inside. So if you live with someone that makes their living from unethical behavior, yeah. And you're at a point where you feel like I'm just not doing this anymore. That's cool. Yeah, I think that that's fair, because that it that goes back to one of your values, and that can be a non negotiable on that value.
Yep. All right, with
lack of accountability. The next one?
Yeah, I was gonna say, what I was gonna say the next one, you beat me to it. I'm sorry. You take it. No, just gonna say lack of lack of accountability. That's a big one.
This is like, Yeah, huge, both like,
expecting, you know, personal accountability, and then refusing to tolerate a pattern of consistently avoiding responsibility for one's actions. I know, I just read that. But like, we're so big on personal accountability, you better take responsibility for your actions.
This is like the biggest one for me. Yeah, like we've talked discussed. And I've said this before, it is a lost art, for adults to take accountability these days. And never more so in the types of relationships that we're talking about right now. And for our listeners, and for the people that are in our community, you know, what I'm talking about, the lack of accountability will blow your mind. It's like you're dealing with a first grader. It's like, well, why did you you
know, why did you do this? Well, because Jimmy did it first. It's like, that's not how life works when you're 40, man. And this one just drives me nuts. It drives me absolutely nuts. Because there's still people to walk around and every day grown as people with driver's licenses that don't know how to take personal accountability. Yeah, like people who are late to work when there was traffic. Okay, what time do you get up? Like, I shouldn't have to have this conversation with an adult,
we have an episode on accountability. If you want to go back and listen to it. Yeah. Before I just lose, you're gonna go all the way down. But that's a big one. That's a big non negotiable for us. Alright, what's
the last one mutual growth, mutual growth, this is one of ours is one that we created here. mutual growth. So till the wheels fall off, doesn't just mean, you stick by someone's side no matter what, because we just discussed 13 Different non negotiable boundaries that could lead to you deciding this person doesn't need to be part of your life anymore. What so the wheels fall off really means for us, especially is like I promise to
grow, no matter what. I promise to always try to get better no matter what, like I have made a commitment to my personal and spiritual growth. And I'm never giving up on that. Yeah. And in turn, I will hold you accountable, you will hold me accountable. It's not just saying, no matter what, you stick with someone because you know, just because yeah, because the rulebook said so stupid,
stupid rule. So yeah, mutual growth is one of our non negotiables I think the day that you see me just decide to mail it in and give up you're gonna be like, dude, better get your ass up and get to work. I don't know what this is about. Yep. Remember our vows. Remember what we promised each other? Yep, this is really, really, really important one for us. So we've gone through some non negotiables, we've gone through some common things that may make
you feel uncomfortable. And as you're working toward the boundaries that you want. Let's do this. Keep your list handy from the first episode where you write wrote down what your values are. And let's go so through some of these behaviors that we just discussed. And let's go one step further. Let's talk about the person attributed to each of the behaviors. Who were you setting boundaries for? Is it everyone? Is it your marriage? Is it your husband, your wife? Is it for your kids?
Is it for your boss, whoever it may be, so that we can really become we want to come right? We want to come prepared for the next episode when we really start to set these boundaries. So keep the list handy and listen on the next episodes and use these so we can go ahead and set some boundaries for you and bring some clarity to this process that everyone just tries to make too generic. Yep, that we're not we're trying to make this real for you. Guys, I think that's all we've got. Yeah.
Oh, well. Oh yeah, your boundaries. Yeah. But now we need to talk about what's going on in our life a little bit
a little bit. So we've, you know that most people don't listen this late in the episode. Most people don't listen this late most people stop listening. So if you're still listening, thank you. Oh, you're saying like what the time we've got some merch going. And this is kind of funny. So when we started the merch thing, like I liked designing, I just kind of enjoyed doing that. And I wanted to make stuff for us. And then I was like, well, maybe other people would want to wear this
stuff too. So on our website under store, you can find some of it if you want. If you want to wear some of our stuff. I think it'd be the coolest thing ever someone to rip our merch, but it's out there. And there's more coming. We've got some more done to today.
Well, we're wearing them. Yeah, we're checking if you're not watching us. We're gonna be on YouTube.
Yeah, check a real check on YouTube. You'll see I think it's kind of dope stuff. It's fun to wear on the house. This is what we record record and we record in sweatshirts we chillin sweatshirt. Yeah, we do even in July.
Yeah, this is this is our personality, this is what we are. Yeah, we
do not care. So check it out, if you want. We mentioned our community earlier in the episode, it is blossoming. And we've got people in there who are sharing the same struggles, and they're helping each other. And it is the coolest thing to watch is to watch people help one another through incredibly difficult times who would have otherwise not found each other if they hadn't stumbled across a
video or a podcast episode. And that is the greatest thing in the world is like to know that people are getting help because of something we built. The that's why we did this right. So check out, check out the community join up. If you're not already in there, you can post anonymously. If you don't want to share any intimate details about your life. I totally understand that. And that's why that feature exists. Or you can reach out to us personally and you can find all the information
on our website. www.tufo.com. Yeah, you can keep us there. It's got past episodes, guides, you name it. It's all available. That's it until next time, I am Matt and we'll see you