Yeah, it's true. So I think that we're doing a better job of this than anyone else. I've seen our own horn there, but it's our horn, first of all, and I think that it's true. I think that I look at boundaries and it's so generic, it's like, okay, you just, would you get that from like a textbook that makes no sense. How do I apply that to my life? This is how you do it. This is where you start?
Yeah. And it's also a lot of people they want us to tell them Well, what a boundary do I say I cannot tell you what boundary do you set, because let me explain something to you. Also, when you set up your own boundaries, you are building up your self esteem like you will not believe it is going to be empowering when you do it on your own based on what we share in the series. Welcome back, well come back to another episode of till the wheels fall off. I am Matt, I'm
Paige. Before we begin, I want to thank each and every one of you. We had our best week of the podcast ever, ever. It's incredible. Like the downloads are flowing in people are messaging us, they're reaching out, they're sharing stuff, and it's so cool to watch this thing grow. It's amazing. I just want to thank each and every one of you that has listened that has checked out our accounts that has reached out and it's just,
it's amazing. Without you guys, I guess we'd still be doing it, it just wouldn't be nearly as fun. So thanks for being here along the ride. We are introducing our first series, this is a series on boundary setting, which is the most requested topic I think that we deal with. If we get an email, if we get a DM, it's generally has to do with this. So we're going to walk you through this a step by step process and three parts. And the first one is, do you know what your values are?
Where you start? It's where you start, right? So why is why are we talking about your values. When you look at your life, what's important to you, and you look at boundaries, boundaries, defend what's important to you, they guard what's important to you, nothing's more important than near and dear to your heart. And the way that you
operate in the world. As your values, your values really are like, if someone had to ask you what you're about, you would list off your values, and then you would drop the mic like, that's what I'm about. This is what I this is, for lack of a better term, this is what I value. These are the things that I'm about this is what I look for in other people, this is how I operate. This is how I respond. Your values, say at all, it's like the foundation of your home that starts with your
values. So in order to look at like what boundaries do I set, let's look at your values first. So we know what to protect? Yeah. So let's go through some examples of values in general, because for a lot of people, they're hearing this like, I know what values mean, but like, what exactly are you talking about?
Yeah. And can I just back up a little bit, absolutely read. A lot of the people that I work with, who are struggling in relationships with an alcoholic or addict, we lose our values and our relationship because you have to bend them so much you bend them, we question everything. And I remember I had some pretty hardcore values when I first met Matt, even as a teenager, like it's things that I was just born with.
I've always admired that about you that you always knew what you stood for. And you were proud of it.
Yeah. But then once I got into a deeper relationship with you and your addiction and stuff, I started to question my values, I lost my values. And when I lost my values, I lost myself.
Yeah, and you lose your values. It's not like you just give up on them one day, what we usually do is that you love someone so much. And you want things to work that you start sacrificing little pieces of your value set and yourself. And over time, what happens is they kind of get erased. And then you start to feel this anxiety because you're operating in a way that isn't in line with your
core values. And so you're kind of going through the world and a very false sense, and a very false state where it's like, this is not me, man, this is not what I'm about. And the feeling that your body gives you back is like anxiety and just this general angst and discomfort and hesitancy. And these these negative funny feelings that we get are because we've dropped our values. We've we've bent them too many times over and over and over, usually, for someone else to try to make a
relationship work. Because we want it to work and there's nothing wrong with wanting it to work. But if you know what I'm talking about when you've lost your values, and Paige, I think, walk me through what that process was like and did it happen overnight. Was it a long processing my values? Yeah, it didn't happen
overnight. That happened throughout like many years. It was just constantly being basically beat down or just, you know, questioning everything that I did or when I would like chastise your value. Absolutely that yes, and this is going to it just happens in relationships that are unhealthy. It's not necessarily like with addicts or alcoholics. It's with people who are mentally unstable people who are stalled people who just basically don't line up with your values. Yeah, they
don't align with your values. And in our situation. Man, I just I feel like I owe you an apology again, like I, I've apologized for this more times than I can count, but for, for kicking you while you were down and telling you that the way that you live life was wrong in any sort of way, just because it didn't agree with what I was trying to do at the moment. Yeah, but
my problem is that I allowed you to do it. So that's my fault. So we're both
in the wrong, that's huge growth for you to be able to say that, that you allowed it because in a sense, it's true. And it's really hard to say that like as you're being abused, that we all have we always have a part in this right. Absolutely. And that was your part. My part was it, you allowed it for quite some time.
Right? So we're gonna go through some examples of what you because like Matt said, whenever we talk to people about their values are like, what what values? What am I what do I stand for? I don't even know where to begin. Yeah, we're gonna break it down. And we have about 16 examples, just for you to start with
start with these and you can elaborate on them. You can pick different ones, you can throw these aside, but I think these are pretty general ones that a lot of people hold,
right. Alright. So number one is going to be integrity, which is, you know, honesty, trustworthiness and moral principles. Remember, I have a lot of moral principles she does.
Absolutely, there's right and wrong.
Yeah. To is going to be respect. So valuing and treating others with dignity, fairness and consideration. Fairness, you know how we feel about that word. I don't like that word. We don't like that word. Their life is not fair. Number three is going to be responsibility. So you know, taking ownership of your own actions, obligations and commitments. Number four is compassion, showing empathy, kindness and concern for the
well being of others. Number five is perseverance demonstrating determination, resilience, and a strong work ethic. I love that one. That's a great one. Number six is equality, believing in justice and equal opportunities for all. I still think there's a gray area with that one.
Well, I think when it comes to like, social equities and things like that, there's a great place for this, but I think you're talking to your kids. Yes. And when it comes to parenting, I'm like fairness. That's a tough one. Yeah, right. First, the first lesson we taught our kids is that life ain't fair. Yeah, don't expect it to be here.
Sure. Number seven is authenticity. So being true to yourself genuine and transparent and your thoughts and actions our favorite your your shirt says often Oh, then oh, I forgot that I was wearing that shirt by the way. Yeah, because we after this, after we go through these examples, we're going to tell you all what our personal will share. Yeah, yeah. And number eight is going to be accountability so accepting responsibility for your choices and your account and their consequences.
Number nine is going to be courage. So facing challenges, adversity and fear with bravery and competence. 10 is growth. Another one of my favorites, valuing personal development, continuous learning and self improvement elevens harmony, seeking balance, peace and cooperation and relationships and environments. 12 is humility, recognizing and acknowledging one's strengths and limitations with modesty. 13 is open mindedness, being receptive to new ideas,
perspectives and experiences. 14 family, prioritizing and valuing familial relationships and their well being 15 is sustainability caring for the environment and supporting sustainable practices 16 spirituality, recognizing and cultivating a sense of connection with the higher power. A quick break in the action to let you know about an exciting development in the Tufo
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you would like. They just need to resonate with you, they need to be important to you, when you look at these things you need to say, That's me. That's that's me. And you'll know the feeling when you read it. Yep. And you can apply it to your life almost instantly. And the way that you behave and your actions and the things that you you know, you hold dear, almost a value again, need to find it at hop on synonym source.
You're like me today.
But anyway,
okay, so I'm just going to talk about what my personal values are. When I went through this process, accountability, I think it's huge on all aspects like my personal accountability, people taking calendar, accountability, accountability, thank you, you know, people taking responsibility for their own actions. It's extremely important to me, that's a lost art. By the way, it really is.
Personal Development, you know, that's actually your mental health, your physical health, every anything that's going to help you grow and not say stay stagnant. I think that that is just so important as a human being for my, you know, personal values, harmony. This was basically seeking balance and peace and cooperation in your relationships and environment. I think that this is because I'm an HSP. And it's better when things are kind of calm, because I take in and a lot of emotions.
So harmony is huge for me in that
key word there that I love so much is balance seeking balance.
Yeah. Integrity. Honesty is so important to me. And that's been one of my values since basically birth. It's indispensable for you. Yes, that one has not changed. Perseverance, you know, hard work ethic. I got that from my dad, I think. And I it's really huge for people or myself to be you know, hard working
in the resilience. So I think that I look at your story and what we've been through and to say that you persevered and that you're resilient is like the greatest understatement, ever. I think that's a really good one for you. You
really think I'm resilient? Yeah. What
are you talking about? Wow. Yeah, I
don't know. I never even thought about that. You kind of just
figured blue, my ratably resilient? Yes.
All right, good to know. And then my last one is off is authenticity. And that's always been number one for me, too. But I also want to say that values can change. They can change change over time, they can, you know, but there are some for me that I feel aren't going to change, like the honesty things that I was actually born with. But I did lose, I kind of lost them when you were using, you know,
but not 100%. Yeah, and as we talked about, in the beginning of the episode, it's, it's easy to get in a relationship with somebody, or a job, even sometimes, or in a new set of friends and be influenced to the point where you start to lose your own values. And that's different than changing like, you can change your values over time as you grow and learn new things. That's not what we're
talking about. Here, we're talking about having these things stripped away and sort of sacrificed against your will, in order to keep a relationship intact, or in order to keep a career or any of those things. And so for many people who are in love with an alcoholic or an addict, you've lost your values, you've lost your identity, you're not really sure who you
are. So we want to reiterate again, that this is critically important, like, get out a piece of paper, get a notebook out, and start jotting down what your values really are. What am I about what's important to me, You know what? And think back to the time when
you before this person before that relationship, like what made life simple at that point in your life, like what what was going on? Like what were you about, right? So my values are honesty, open mindedness, accountability, growth, so personal development, humility, spirituality and authenticity. And we share a lot of the same values. And that's not it's not a coincidence, no two people who are deeply in love and care about each other
will genuinely share values. So I would ask you to look at, look at your life, and your friendships and your partnerships and those closest to you, the people that you really hold nearest and dearest and you know, you can trust you probably have aligned values, those that you have trouble with, you probably don't share the same values. Right now, in this moment. Maybe at one time you did but things can change
over time. And this is where conflict and relationships really starts a difference in values.
You know, I was talking about how I lost my values whenever you were using Well, you didn't have very many values either. No. So you had lost your values as well. I
sacrificed every single one of them. Yeah, I sacrifice every single one of them that
we felt were screwed up in that area. Yeah. I mean,
when you're, when you're lying 24/7 to maintain a life of drug use and drug abuse and alcoholism, like you, you will basically get rid of everything that's important to you. Yep. And you have to start from scratch and you have to rebuild. This is literally what we both did. This is step one. Yeah. So how do you figure out what your values are? If you've completely lost touch? What do you do? Like? How do you begin, alright, we're
gonna go through a list of things for you all to help you help guide you through this process. So first, you're going to, if you're going to take reflection, you're going to take the time to reflect on your experiences, your beliefs, what matters most to you, you know, consider significant moments in your life and identify the values that were present during those times.
I think about, like significant events. So for me, it was like cleaning up was a
big one. But I think another one is, for any parents out there, like when your kids are born, life takes on new meaning if you if you're a parent, you know what I'm talking about, like, some things that used to be sort of important to you don't matter as much, you know, now it's about guarding the family unit, like that becomes a incredibly important core value for you were maybe before you were just kind of in college, you saw your family, sometimes they weren't
as important. Like that's a so But reflecting on the things that have truly been significant in your life that kind of made you who you are like, what what were your values at that time?
Yeah, so look at that. Next, you're going to identify core aspects of your identity identity. So reflect on the qualities and characteristics that define who you are as a person, like, what are the traits that you admire in yourself and others? And what aspects of your identity identity do you hold dear?
For me, this is where like, authenticity came from as a core value. Because when I think about like, what makes me is like, who am I like, who am I as a person? What am I about? And like, what I found was that a lot of the things that I really believed in like weren't really opinions that were closely held by other people around me. So it became that much more important to be authentic. Because it was it was a value of mine. Like I was a chameleon for so many years where I was stuck, I was a
people pleaser. And I would pretend to be someone I wasn't just so you would like me, because my greatest fear in life is that you just wouldn't like me, I wanted friends I wanted to be liked and admired. And I spent a lot of time doing that. And it means part of the reason I lost myself. And so reestablishing that for me like this is this is this is what I did to get the get to authenticity and really understand why it was so important to me moving forward
in life. Just be and nothing for you to
write. Yeah, I was. We were seriously writing down the same thing, I think because like what are the traits that I admire? And myself, I have to say it's honesty and authenticity. And that's something that I've always had, like, that's something that's actually part of my identity. Yeah. Alright, so the next one is going to be can examine your
priorities. So consider what your priorities are in life is that your family, your career, your personal growth, relationships, spirituality or something else, identifying the priorities can shed light on the value that align with those areas.
Yeah, and so something I thought of here, I'm thinking back to our previous life, because we've lived like three lives together, think of that, like second one, where it was kind of like through college and like growing up and everything, there was a time when like, chilling with my friends. And I guess our friends, we've always had the same friends was incredibly important. Like that was what was that's what we
valued. We valued that time, we valued the conversations and the philosophical discussions, and all that kind of stuff. And like that was incredibly important to me. And this is an example of a value changing over time. My friends are still important, but my friends aren't the most important thing in my life anymore. Yeah. You know, so examine your priorities at this moment, at this moment, and will help clarify where you stand
today. And this is also how you kind of look back over time, and look at your growth and like, where am I today? I'm not that person anymore, and give yourself permission to not be that person anymore. Like, you don't have to be the girl you were, you know, 12 years ago, like you've grown up, you've been through a lot. Who are you today, and value what your priorities are in this moment. And don't make apologies for it. It's, it's, it's great. It's who you
are, be you. Yep, exactly. You're gonna do the next one for sure. Okay. Um, assess what brings you fulfillment, you know, think about activities, experiences or achievements that bring you a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction values are associated with those experiences. So if you feel fulfilled when helping others are the value of compassion, that might be important to you. So what's important for us like you can speak for both of us on this one?
Yeah, um, some of the activities that bring fulfillment for both of us. It's It's been, it's been fitness Yep. And not in a vain sense by any means. But I did this when I first got sober you did this when you were going through a really difficult period in your life as well. And for me, it's more about the mental growth that takes place when I think I can't do something, and then I achieve it, I get a ton of
fulfillment from that. And it's about personal growth, like I discovered that the underlying value of an exercise is personal growth. So for some people, it could be hiking, or being outdoors. And I think that there's something that connects you to the spirit of the universe when you're outdoors and people feel closer to God. And they feel closer to their Creator and their maker, when they're out and about in the
creation itself. And so that brings you fulfillment, like that's a great thing, explore, explore that further keep going. I'm about to head off to a treatment center to volunteer it's a same place, I got sober, actually, they still let me come in there and talk and it's so cool. But it's, it's very much about spirituality and altruism, and just just, you know, being of service for other people to
get me out of myself. And the underlying value there is humility, is that, you know, humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less. And when I'm doing that, I'm thinking of myself less than more about others, and that's a good thing for me.
Yeah. And for me, I'm gonna say that, what brings me fulfillment to his Tufo, because and what the values that align with that is going to be personal development, accountability and perseverance and authenticity, a lot of our values go hand in hand.
I wrote down, Tufo equals everything it basically encompasses, it basically encompasses all of them. And that was part of the reason we started this, like, it wasn't just for everyone, it's like kind of our way of like, sort of like acting out our values, apps. This is kind of what it's all about. It reiterates our values. I love that. So find something that does that for you. And it might have existed at one time in your life, you might have had a glimmer of light at one point, you're like,
I should do more of that. You might not have discovered it yet. And start to think about what that looks like.
All right, the next one is going to be I love this one. Consider your role models. So I'm sorry, if I like blue into the microphone. Did you just I just like whacked my face or just failed this. So reflect on the people you admire and look up to you know, what values do they have identify the values that resonate with you, it can help you uncover your own values. So for me, my role models are Matt and my parents, because both both of my parents are very hard workers. They're
very authentic. And they're very honest and resilient as hell, they really are. They're, they're incredible people that have really instilled a lot of values in me
also open minded, you think about when they grew up, and the time and what was going on in society at that time, and what things must have been like, and then what they're like today, it took a ton of open mindedness for them to get where they are, where they're like, they care about everyone, regardless of their race, or, you know, background or anything else. Like they're very genuinely caring people. So that tells me that there's a lot of open mindedness behind that.
Yeah. And my stepdad, he's a role model as well. Yeah, he's incredible. He's incredible about you, your role models. And so this is this is kind of cool. This is actually in, in business like you guys, if you work for a business, you've seen, like the mission statement, and all that crap. Like, there's actually a lot that goes behind that. And so there's this book called traction, it's actually right
here on the shelf. It's the Entrepreneurial Operating System, Eos, it's basically an operating system for your business. And the first thing that you do is you define your core values. And part of that practice is going through and
looking at your industry. So let's say that your industry is I don't know, selling cars, like you would look at your industry and like I admire, you know, Jim, Bob, or whoever, because he's been in the industry for 40 years, He's hardworking, he always innovates and you find the reasons you admire him and you sort of model. That's the type of person you want in your organization. That's the type of person I want to be. So you can do this for a business too. You can do it, but I do it
individually first. So who are the people around you? That you really value like people that you just stick to that you admire? And look at what it is about them? That makes you admire them so much? Like it's okay to copy others, it's fine. If that's something you admire, there's a reason for it. Yep. Incredibly important. Start start to look outward at your circle. Yeah, it's also help you identify people that don't align with your values as well. So this is kind of a two fold
exercise. Like man, what am I hanging out with that guy? And he just serves me no good, like, what am I doing? We're
gonna go down that route and the next part of the series right on Okay, so the next part you're going to question your assumptions or question assumptions and social societal expectations. So consider the values that have been instilled in you by society, your culture or your family, reflect on whether those values truly align with who you are or if there are aspects you wish to challenge or redefine.
I got some say about this. Uh huh. kind of mentioned in the in our last episode. No, I'm not gonna kind of mentioned it in our last episode. I've always felt kinda like a leper in society, like I just didn't quite align with a lot of people. And I think a big part of that has to do with our geography. We grew up we, we were raised in a very, very conservative place. I think that I believe in balance in the
force, right. So I don't think it's all right or all left, but I've always felt like kind of like, I just didn't fit in ever. Yeah. And so I've always kind of had like, the lack of a better term, shoot my middle fingers up at the way that things were done. And like, I'm just going to use my head, I'm not just going to follow blindly what everyone's doing. So when you look at society, where you were raised, and maybe even the family unit, you were raised and
start to question that stuff. I think it's important to question it now, doesn't mean that you have to go and tie everything. Some of that stuff might be great. And it might serve a purpose, but not everything. And there might there's a lot of stuff that's in your identity, that is just kind of put there just arbitrarily stuck there. Start to look outward and figure out what am I what am I about what do I believe in? Like, screw everyone else? What am I
about? So question it, start to ask questions and challenge these, you know, these preconceived notions about what you're supposed to do what family looks like, you know, this is what, this is what we do in this culture. This is what we don't do. Why, why, why and how does that apply to me?
Again, where's that rulebook?
Yeah, show me the rulebook. I've been looking for this breaking book for the rest of my whole life, man, I've yet to see it. But so many people apparently read it can't stand up.
This is why I love you and look up to you. By the way, you've helped me find a lot of balance in my life when it came to that I love that
you had those conversations more than I can count more times than I can count. You were telling me something and like showing the rulebook where it says we got to do that. Yeah, but this is what you do. But why? Why? And you'd be like, I don't know. But cool. Could we not see what that's like? Yeah, so you've helped me questions. It's sometimes it we fall on our face and fail. Sometimes we find out that like, wow, okay, this is this is more about this feels more us.
Right, right. Oh, yeah. All right. The next part is prioritize and refine. So once you have a list of potential values, prioritize them based on their importance to you, you may find that some values resonate more strongly than others, refine your list and narrow it down to a set of core values that truly represent you.
Core values in general, I think they say three to five. You could even take it up to seven, but refine those. So you could we had a list of 16 earlier. Some people might say yeah, all 16 Yeah, I'm with that. Which of those are the most important, right? Which of those can you not live with? So start to narrow down that list and really hone in on your core values? Try to get it down to five. Yeah, just arbitrary number, you can challenge that. That's good.
All right. So the last part is going to be testing live your values. So put your values into action and observe how they guide your decisions and behaviors. Notice if there is alignment between your values and your actions and make adjustments if necessary.
So I was reading this one and looking at it and like, Yeah, it's true, because you can just pick a value because you think it sounds great. For instance, sustainability was one and like, I really do believe that we should take better care of our planet. But do my actions really reflect that value? Like, I need to be better about it, if I'm really going to call it a core value? Yeah, like I still drive a gas vehicle. You know, I recycle, but we don't recycle
everything. Like I do my best to even clean out the peanut butter jar when I'm done with it, to make sure it's like fit for the recycling place. But there are some values that you might you might say you value, but what are your actions say? Yeah, and think about the people around you as well. What are their actions say? Do they align with your values? actions have to align with values or it's meaningless? It needs nothing. It's just it's just lip service. It's just jibber jabber, it
means nothing. Yeah, means nothing. So your actions have to align with your values if they're going to make any sense. And so when we talk about testing and living them, start to put the stuff into action. And here's something that is critically important about core values like, okay, we're talking about this stuff, like, why is it important? Your core values will guide every decision that you make from here on out, when you are disturbed when you're
not sure what to do. When you're not sure what decision to make what's the right decision? What's the wrong decision? The right decision is always related to your values. It always goes back to your values when you're unsure, okay, do I? Do I steal the candy bar or not? I don't know. Just a stupid example. You don't because your core values integrity, it's honesty. We don't do those things. But it's something as simple as that, you know, but it gets a little more
complex. Like, you know, is it wrong for me to tolerate abuse in my relationship? Well, what are your values? What are those values say about that, what are the values say, always go back to that list. That's your foundation that your concrete. And every decision you make goes from there. And like, once again, like I told you, you can do these in business. That's what businesses do like great
businesses. I know that incredible cultures, when they're unsure about what to do, what do our values say, and they go to the drawing board, and they make decisions based on their values. This keeps you consistent over time. So that things you do as you grow, always go back there, you can defend these things, because they are part of your core makeup. This is what we're really about. It keeps you from
flying off the handle. And I mean, it's not to say that you can't ever so often like you have to do what you have to do. But the more you stick with your core values, the better you'll feel, the safer you'll be. And the more that life will your life will coordinate with how who you really are and what you're really about the things around, you suddenly become part of you, and you're living your life, living a life that you want a life that you designed. This helps you design your life.
Yep. It's incredibly important. It's great. So this is part one of a three part series. Next episode, we are going to do the opposite of this. So what are behaviors and actions that make you uncomfortable? And what are your non negotiables? Yeah, we talked about some of these things are maybe negotiable at times. But there are a lot of these that are just non negotiable. Yeah. And this is going to help you with boundaries. Remember, this is what we're this is what we're
doing here. Yeah, this is step one, and boundary forming is okay, we start from scratch. What am I about? Yep, that's the first step of setting a boundary. So I hope
we broke this up for y'all and helped you get started.
Yeah. I hope this was helpful. I think it is.
I think it's great. And it's opened my mind to so
much. And I've looked around on the internet, and they're there tons and tons of videos and clips and like articles about boundaries, but they're all so generic that it leaves you going, Oh, what do I do with that? That? I
don't know how to start with this? Yeah, because it gets really complicated setting boundaries with difficult people. They right. But when people are difficult, and you set up a boundary, that means that boundary was supposed to be set in the first place.
That's true. Yeah, it's true. So I think that we're doing a better job of this than anyone else I've seen. I'm not your own horn there. But it's our horn, first of all, and I think that it's true. I think that I look at boundaries and it's so generic, it's like, okay, you just, did you get that from like a textbook that makes no sense? How do I apply that to my life? This is how you do it. This is where you start?
Yeah. And it's also a lot of people they want us to tell them Well, what boundary do I say I cannot tell you what boundary do you set because let me explain something to you. Also, when you set up your own boundaries, you are building up your self esteem like you will not believe it is going to be empowering when you do it on your own based on what we share in the series.
Catch a man a fish show, Amanda fish? Yes, absolutely. Show you how to fish. Okay, I think that's it, that covers it. Awesome. All right. We've also so if you're in the middle of it, you can't wait till next week, we do have some I wouldn't say they're generic guides. There's some pretty detailed guides on our website www.tufo.com, where you can go and check out all kinds of interesting things. Along the lines of this boundaries is one of the guides available there.
We've also got a community with a ton of awesome people. It's growing every single day that are doing the same things. These people are all centered on growth or trying to get better. And it's awesome to watch. But if you want to be around a bunch of people that are like you check out our website. I think the community is linked on our website, right?
Yes, I think it's under Contact Us. I don't remember specifically,
if it's not you can check out any of our social media profiles at Tufo underscore couple TW fo underscore couple, check out our link tree. I know that it's in there. It isn't linked. It's in there for sure. Yeah, we have that everywhere. You also check out past episodes and all kinds of stuff. All right. Well, that wraps it up until next time, I am Matt and we'll see you