denying the truth doesn't change the facts. Just because we deny the truth doesn't change the facts of our situation. And the facts have to be dealt with at some point. These are the facts. Absolutely. They will come out, they find a way to the surface, they float. And they will find their way and you're right. There's a fear of confrontation or change and it's okay to be scared. Welcome back. Well come back to another episode of till the wheels fall off. Hi, Matt. You just got back out of town.
I did. Oh, man.
How was it? You got a little break?
It was nice. It was nice to be present and get away from social media. And I'm all puffy from eating a lot of food. Got some
goodies in? Yeah, I did. It was crazy. Not having you here.
But you held it down.
I held it down just fine. It's just I find myself I have no one to talk to the kids. I mean, you know what I mean about other things like don't stuff. Yeah, yeah. Talk to Chris. But without you around. It's just weird.
Did you miss me?
I did. Big time. Big time. Yeah, it's nice to get you home. Well, thank
you for doing all the things I miss Sydney second competition. Oh, it was fun. I
did a dance competition, which included getting a little girl ready with full stage makeup. But my mother in law your mom came by and helped out so much. Yes, you're listening. Thank you, Susan. So grateful for you. Oh, it was amazing. I did put on falsies which I thought I did a great job. But discovered later in the afternoon. She was just telling me that, but I did not so great job. Yeah, somebody noticed. I thought it was good. He's a smallest bead of glue I've ever applied to any lashes
are really hard to put on. It's intricate. Yeah,
I'm glad I'm not drinking anymore. Because I would have been shaken and it just would have been would have been every man stuck him in her eyeball. freaking mess. That's awesome. Brick and mass. Okay, some announcements real quick, we do still have some sweatshirts available. There were three boxes now there are two, two and a half really. So it's getting low, it's getting low, it'll be getting warm before you know it. And you're gonna wish you got
them. So if you haven't grabbed one, head over to to fau.com. And you can do that. We've also got our course still available, never gonna stop pushing the course. Right. So people are finishing it and the stuff we hear back like it brings us to tears, the the amount of help and information and education that people get from this thing that they're not getting anywhere else. Like people have said, I've saved, I could have saved 1000s and 1000s of dollars on therapy. Or I've scoured the
internet for years. And I finally found exactly what I was looking for. And it's the information in this course. It's tough because a lot of people aren't ready to hear the information that's in the course, which is sort of what our episodes about today. But it is it is crucial. It is something that you will do and like oh my god, I'm glad I did
that. Absolutely. And I think a lot of people also what up what we find just looking at the data and analytics within the course is that a lot of people start it and then you can tell it gets really heavy. And they'll back off. I think part of that is also because of the cadence of these types of relationships. The ups and the downs like this is the roller coaster. Yeah, this is the roller coaster. It's the worst roller coaster of all
time. It's like the Texas Giant that wouldn't want to ride that hurts just hurt you. It's like it's like an old timey roller coaster. Right? Yeah, it's just this these ups and downs. And sometimes it feels like things are getting better than four. You know what you're slammed back down to reality. So I get the sense that some of that's going on too. But if you stick with it, if you're ready to invest in your recovery, and you're sick of being stuck, this
is the way out. Yep, this is the way out independently strong.com. Or you can access it through our website, two four.com. And wheelies. If you're a listener, if you're someone that follows us, you can get a 75% discount using the code wheelies 75. That's wheelies with an s 75. And for this upcoming month, we're going to be extracting module one from the course and making it a standalone course. We extracted the self care portion that's going away. Now we have this new
one. Yeah. And for $50, you can get access to module one, which includes an amazing worksheet that you're going to hear us reference many times during this episode. Yeah. And it's going to be great.
Yeah, yeah, it's a relationship evaluation. And then we have information on how you're affected. Within this type of relationship. There's more information on how my story came about. There's clinical perspective in this module, and like so much more. It's such a good one. It sets
the stage for healing. And I think that's like this is your favorite module in the entire course. Right?
It is. It is. Yeah, because it helps us see things from a different perspective, and helps us make decisions going forward.
Yeah. Yeah, like if you ever thought I wish there were some kind of test I could take or something that would help me just like see this for what it is and something that would remind me of what this really is. This is the module that does that. Yeah. And that that evaluation, especially though actually that's in there, that's what it's designed to do. Yes,
it's x Hello. So be looking for that over at independently strong.com It's a mini course you will find it there 50 bucks, you can grab that it's a great intro to this. It's also very beneficial, like you can get a lot just from that module. So, check it out. Yep. Okay. We've alluded to the topic here a couple times, yes.
We're gonna talk about what denial looks like, what denial is? Yes. And that's the reason I want to bring this up is because I was in denial for a long time. It was part of my story. And I think that there's a lot of people who are in denial, but they don't realize they're in denial. So we're going to talk about what are the signs that you might be in denial?
You never really know when you're in it right knee? It's very hard. It's something you see in the rear view. Usually, yes. Yeah. Same for me.
Yeah. Yeah. And I remember whenever I went to treatment, and I told her when you went to treatment, and I talked to a counselor, she was like, Yeah, denial is a really comfortable place to be, why are you moving away from me? How rude not to shift the chair saying, No, I smell that bad.
I'm good. I had to shift because I was like, my head was hurting turn sideways?
Because I'm way back here. Yeah. Okay. Sorry. Yeah. So we're just going to kind of go down this list. And I'm, we're both gonna talk about, you know, how it was a part of our relationship, too. So a
four word on denial. I think it's really common that a lot of people find themselves in denial. And this is just my perspective being on it. I've been in this. I've mentioned many times, and haven't really gotten clear on why I say this. But I know what both sides of these relationships look like, right? And it's not because of you. But there are more than there's more than one person in my life other than you. Yeah, even though when you were gone,
it didn't feel like it. But I have been in a really, really, really, really bad relationship before. And for so so so long, I was in denial. And then when I was addicted, I was also in denial for a very long time. It doesn't feel like you think it would know, it's easy to look out at everyone else and see, oh, they're messed up. We're not there yet. I'm not that bad. Yet. Things aren't that crazy?
Yeah. Or watch a movie like see a character like that person in my mind represents where I never want to get if I ever get there, then I'm in trouble. Yeah, but it's not. It's not the way it works. This stuff sneaks up on you. And your life can be a mask before you realize it. And you can stay in this comfortable place. And one of the things that helps you stay there is like these, these little, these periods of like peacefulness
that occur. Yeah, you know, like, where I can hide my use really well for a couple of weeks, and I can be more present. And you're like, oh, man, things are on the up and up, like things are good. And you can just, I mean, so quickly vanish and erase all of the bad. Yeah. But you're still in it. It just doesn't feel like it. So denial is not what you think it is, is what I'm trying to say. And if you think that you're not a denial, or you wait, no. I
said that. Yeah. Yeah. If you think you're not Yeah, you are, right. But it's there. Yes. And just about everyone's life in some way, shape, or form, we are in denial. Humans are really good at rationalizing. We will find ourselves in these crazy situations. Yeah. And it moments it'll like poke its head out and remind you like, Oh, we're in it. This is bad, right? Just didn't feel like it in the moment, and always think it's gonna feel different than it really does.
So let's get into it. Let's do it. Okay. So the first marker, that's what you said earlier, and I thought that was cute. First marker is justifying toxic behavior. So you find yourself making excuses for your partner's toxic behavior, like blaming, blaming external factors or believing they didn't mean to hurt you. So you can say, Oh, they had just like a stressful day, or they don't know any better because they were raised this way, or just justifying all of these behaviors that are actually
affecting you. Can you think of things that you did?
Yeah, I was just gonna say there were a lot of family events that I didn't make it to, like, you've got a close knit family and you guys would get together for like, if it's someone's birthday, the family gets together with a big meal. Or if it's a holiday, everyone's getting together or sometimes just for nothing. People are just getting together like, Hey, we're having dinner at my mom's house and your brothers would come by and like uncles are there and there's everyone there
and I was never there. Yeah. And it was always because I was just like, eff that. Half the establishment. I ain't doing it. I don't feel like it. No one's gonna tell me how to use my Sunday. You know,
stuff like very narcissistic of you. Yeah, yeah. Well,
it fits. What did you tell your family though?
Oh, he's just not feeling well or working really hard on him calm for like, just today. He wanted to, like recharge or sit around and watch TV.
He's been working super hard. He's stressed out and right. All that crazy. I
would justify that type of stuff. And all that did was keep me stuck in that denial. Yeah,
absolutely. Like it's really easy. And also, like you mentioned one of the in there about how someone may have been raised. Damn, that's an easy Want to get to? Yeah, I have yet to meet an addict or an alcoholic that came from a perfect family. We've all got stuff like there's no such thing as a perfect family. We've all got something there by so therefore, by definition, if no one comes from a perfect family, then we've all got an excuse.
Yeah, everyone's got an excuse for why we do the things we do. Yeah, I was most abusers were abused. Most addicts didn't come from the best background. They didn't have the best examples. Now, that isn't always the case. Right. But most of the time, in my experience, it has been the case, right? And it's really easy to look at the way that someone is and say, Man, that kid never had a chance. Yeah, like he was, what do we expect?
You know, like, and you can you can people with empathy often are the ones who are attracted to us the most can fall in that trap, that empathy trap where it's, oh, man, will God they just had it so tough. And so you just find yourself tolerating this. So like justifying tolerating Yeah, kind of the same thing. Exactly.
All right. Number two is going to be ignoring red flags. So you overlook or downplay warning signs of toxicity in the relationship, convincing yourself that things will get better or that you're overreacting. Red flags mean something? They do? They do. And it has a lot to do with your intuition too, which we'll talk about that later on. You know, whenever you feel like something is off, there's typically something off there. Shout out
to the wheelies in the community. By the way, I want to spend just a moment here. Oftentimes, the people I think the majority of our groups, I think they're married, or recently split or on their way to split. But there are some people that come in, and they're in a new relationship. Very new, like a year old, less than that. And people will say things like, I'm in this new relationship.
And these are the things I'm noticing and it's just Ding, ding, ding, these are the red flags going off one after another. And nobody is sugarcoating it. No. Like, there have been people that have said, like, just flat out, get out as soon as you can before you're me, right before you look right, me and 30 years thinking that this gets better and you can fix him or you can change him and you're ignoring these things. Those red flags mean something? Yep. There there are red flags.
There are also beige flags. Yeah, talk taught me this. Yes. There's some things that just quirks people have just kind of funny like, they just do weird stuff. Everyone's got their quirks that's not the same thing as a red flag, right? Red flags should take tick notice. Yeah, like my weird sound that we've talked about? That weird throat thing? Yeah, beige, that's just beige, annoying Pages. Pages beige,
it's not really hurting you. But if there are, you know, behaviors that are harming you, and you feel like, this is not right, then don't ignore it. Yeah,
like leaving your clothes on the floor is not a red flag. Yeah, that stuff. Those are like quirks, people have their their stuff, you know. And that stuff, you can actually change in a relationship. Oh, you want to have this interesting frame that I discovered recently, I forget if it's if it's called the I can't remember the exact name of it. So it kind of ruined it
already. But there's this concept that I think it's called like the Michelangelo concept or something like that, where over time in a relationship, people will actually mold each other to be the their ideal version of a partner. I think this happened with us. Over time this can happen but people have to be open receptive to it. We're not talking about narcissistic addicted types,
people who are actually working on like personal development,
they say yeah, you know, they say like people will say like, we look alike, or like sometimes like the people will say like if you had a dog for long enough, it looks like you you become more closely associated with this. But thinking in relationship, this, this this concept, like this frame of thought says that basically over time, we will create our ideal partner through just like these, it's almost like erosion, it's like, water over rocks over time will shape them the way they want them to.
It's not like this drastic, you change overnight kind of thing. It's just over time you get acclimated to what the expectation is, and you change, you become that person's ideal partner. That's interesting. There. It's the same way that Michelangelo would have looked at a giant block of marble a square block and seen you know, David, like, Oh, it's beautiful. I can see it, like just sculpted into what you want over time. This doesn't work in these relationships. No, no, that's
not the way it works. Yeah. So don't get the wrong idea. Right. Oh, I'm Michelangelo? And he's no,
no. Like they have to actually remove the substance before any of that even have a lot.
There's a lot of prerequisites to that. Yeah, we're evidence of it. We show you tell you what it looked like before and after. Yeah. Before you had like, some weak ass sandpaper and on this giant block of granite, nothing was changing as much as you tried. You end up with blisters and everything else working on me, but nothing changed. Yeah, you have to have the right tools and that person has to be receptive to it. So you have to be a soft material like marble. Like that.
Yeah, I thought it was a cool concept. When I when I heard it, it was like, oh, man, it makes sense. Yeah,
for sure. All right, we're gonna go there. Next one isolating yourself, you withdraw from friends, family or support networks who express concerns about your relationship preferring to avoid con. Confronting the reality of the situation. Okay.
Yeah, this happens a lot doesn't that?
Yeah. Why think that I kind of did this as well. Okay, then I did do this. Yeah. I isolated myself a lot. I mean, there were a lot of reasons that I isolated myself, but one of them was because I didn't want to face the reality of our situation. Plus, I didn't know how bad it really was, you know, I felt it. But I didn't really know. Like, I couldn't express
it. But I do know that there are people who do not speak with their family members, because they tell them upfront look, this is not healthy for you got to listen to them. Sometimes they're able to see things that you are not able to see.
Yeah, a lot of partners that we talked to are loyal to a fault. Yeah. And they will defend their husband or wife like to the death. Like they don't like even though that they've done terrible things are not going to let someone talk bad about their loved one. I think that comes more from a place of pride than it does
objective judgment. Because if they were to sit there and listen non partially and say this is not your husband, I'm talking about this is someone else's husband, what would you think if they did these things? You'd be like, Oh, it's terrible. What if I told you that was your husband? Oh, damn, but when when your mom who you've already probably got tension with says this person is
treating you like crap. Or this friend you've always thought was kind of it's like depends where the information is coming from and it sort of clouds it. But you'll find yourself isolating for most people who were some of the loudest advocates you have. Right? People are wanting what is best for you?
Yeah. And you're at a point where you're like, I you want them to tell you what you want to hear instead of them trying to help you see reality. Yeah, that's tough. And it's really hard. Really, really, really hard. I remember my parents hated you in high school, and I hated them talking about it.
I couldn't stand me know, for rightfully so. Right. Right. And even like, I had no manners no respect. I was a hoodlum. Man. Yeah. Run around just getting into trouble and so many red flags, so many red flags. You're like the 1% of 1%. That, that got Michelangelo to work out? That, like 99% people are not gonna get that. Yeah.
It took a long time, though. And I lost a lot of myself during that process as well. You know? Yeah. Thinking about that.
Yeah. So when it comes to isolating yourself, like, think about where you're at now, in your relationships with your friends and family? How many forget about why just how many dramatic arguments or events have you had, that? You didn't have before? And think for a moment? How many of these are in some way related to this person?
Yeah.
How has your isolation been a result of this person? And abusive people are also very good at isolating you? Oh, yeah. They talked
about the courage. They encourage that because they don't want their true colors to come out. They don't want you to talk bad about them. They don't want you to, you know, because you're their comfort zone. Yeah,
recover for 14, you know, former abusive person, I can say that I didn't need people who are out there giving you ideas. I need you to listen to me and stay close to me. Because I just I didn't need the grief of having to explain why I was doing the things I was doing. I didn't want to be held accountable or called out. It
was easier. If you just stayed in my little circle where you weren't going to get any information that was like almost like I don't know how I imagined North Korea probably is got this little government telling these people how it is right. And God forbid they tried to get outside information, you know, and get read pilled and figure out what's really happening in the world. That'd be the worst thing ever.
The second time you've referenced make matrix with me in the last 24 hours. A blue pill? Is that what you're talking about?
Absolutely.
Never seen that movie.
I cannot believe you've never seen The Matrix. I mean, that's possible.
I know. And I've seen a lot of movies I like movies. I don't
I just crazy but isolating yourself. If you are isolated, think about it. From stand back and look at your life from 30,000 feet. Do you have less close relationships with your friends and family? Yeah. Don't think about the why. Just think about if you do or no. And we'll get to the why later. Right. Are you will?
It makes me so sad. The next one is rationalizing abuse. So you normalize abusive behavior, telling yourself that it's normal for couples to have ups and downs, or that your partner's actions are justified because of stress, or other factors. Yeah, I know that the word abuse a lot of people don't want to talk about that. They don't like to use that word in these relationships. It's a very hard pill pill to swallow. You know, we didn't start using that
term for a long time. Yeah. And in saying that it's normal to have ups and downs. Yeah, it is normal to have ups and downs but not like we're having it's not normal at all.
No and abuse as we discussed it here. We use Lundy Bancroft's definition which is someone that chronically As treats or devalues their partner in that context abuse is not what you think it is. It's not just screaming curse words. It's not just pushing and shoving or hitting, or any of those things that we commonly think of as abuse. Yeah, it becomes more emotional. Yes. Emotional abuse. So we're talking about most of the time, I think, yeah,
yeah. And it's, you know, all the manipulation that a lot of people can't pick up on for a long time. And they don't even realize they're being abused. Yeah,
the the curse of empaths is that empaths look very, very hard at their part in an argument or how, how you've upset me, the the abusive addict, because I'm very good at manipulating you. And I'm going to tell you, you're responsible, this is your fault. I'm really good at crafting these arguments to, like, crazy good at it. And you'll have yourself questioning like, Man, did I? Yeah. And then you start to think about it because you're empathetic, right? And you wear this stuff.
And you start to think, oh, you know, I did do that. I gotta be better. I've got to be more responsible for my reactions and the things that I say. And then you'll find yourself rationalizing everything that just happened because you feel like you've got a 50% part, at least in that argument, when that's not the case. Right? We designed it that way to like an abusive person loves nothing more than that. Yeah. That makes life easy for the abuser. Yeah, for sure. It does. You'll find
yourself rationalizing this. So So think about an argument that you might have had recently think about some big blowup, fight or even think about one of the like, like the quick strike fights like the ones where it might only be like a 10 minute spat, but some really nasty things are said and they kind of resolved pretty quickly think about those things. How did you come to peace in that? Like, that's the thing that always blows my mind about denial is that we have these big major
mental, like massive fights. How is everything okay, tomorrow? Generally, it's because the empath has taken it upon themselves to make things peaceful and right again, right. The abuser rarely ever takes the responsibility. Yeah. And then or they'll just wake up and act like nothing happened. Yeah. Or there's a caveat attached like a little asterisk next to it. Yeah. Yeah. Where it sometimes they'll just blame the substance straight up. Oh, yeah. It was because of the alcohol. I'm
sorry. That's not me. Or I was just really stressed. That's not me. I've got some things going on in my life, whatever it might be. And then we have you feeling sorry for us? Yes.
Which is complete BS. Y'all don't take it. That's another part of justifying the behavior and minimizing the situation. Yeah, but I know when you're in it, it's hard. It's, it's, it's hard to see it clearly because of that type of behavior. Because this is the person that we chose to be with. This is the person we chose to trust. And you're doing these things that are breaking everything, but then we're like, okay, is this Is he right? Or am I right? You know, you start
getting so confused. And that's why you're stuck in that denial.
Do you find yourself wanting to just make peace?
Sometimes? Yes. Yeah. Yeah, it's easier that way.
Yeah. You know, another issue here, I think underlying rationalizing abuse, we rationalize it in a multitude of ways. Our minds are amazing calculators that can take comparison from others. And use it as a like, as a tool to rationalize. So you if you've got girlfriends or other guy friends, and they have types of these types of arguments, or if you've seen a show, we get a lot of stuff from TV to Oh, yeah, we take this stuff and like we
program it in our brains. And we'll think of a character in a show who had an argument. But it's a show, everything always happens. You know, it's all good and whatnot. But we will take these things in our minds. And we'll say, well, Christy had a fight with her husband, she was telling me that he was a total ass. This is no different. This is the same thing. We're just it's just normal relationship stuff. Everyone has fights. It's not a big deal. Everyone has
fights. Yeah. You'll find yourself writing off these really important red flags. Yes. And just rationalizing it based on other people's experiences. But I'm telling you, it's not as bad as what you're going through. Right? They're not living your life. No. They're not. Yeah, like I've been in a normal relationship. And I've been in the bad one, it is not the same, right? We have normal arguments now.
Yes, they're healthy arguments. We have healthy arguments that are productive. And we don't just I know, you asked earlier, if I find myself or if I used to find myself just trying to keep the peace or whatever. I would do that. Just because I You were really good at what you did, to where I would believe you. It wasn't necessarily that I would try to keep the peace or whatnot. It was just like, oh, you know, I was wrong in this situation. You know, and just listen, I'm
sorry. Let's move on. And that sucks. Yeah. Yeah,
I was like a little kid about things like a really manipulative one, though, like I could. As soon as I got you as soon as I found an angle where I knew I could get some empathy and some sympathy. I would just run with that. And I would pretend And like I was mad or upset or hurt or whatever. And I would just stay in that place until you caved. Yeah. I know. It sucks, right? Yeah, my test.
Alright, the next one is minimizing your feelings. So you dismiss her and validate your own feelings of unhappiness, fear or discomfort within the relationship, convincing yourself that you've been overly sensitive or irrational. Basically, what I just talked about, yeah, is that I mean, I always thought that I was overreacting, or I was being overly sensitive, or, you know, I wasn't listening to my gut telling me that no, you're being treated poorly. You know, something has to be done about
this. A lot
of people are raised being told that they're too sensitive. I know that you were one of those for sure. But I think that's pretty common, that people are told, like, you just you get too worked up easily. Or you're just like, if you care too much about things that don't matter. And there is such a thing as being highly sensitive. There's also just normal emotions that we're told that we
shouldn't be having. Yeah, and so but I think that people can kind of program themselves to believe that kind of stuff where it's like, I'm just overly sensitive. And you can gaslight yourself into thinking that this is just my sensitivity. Yeah, yeah. This is just, this is no big deal. But trust your gut, because you know, in your gut that it's, something's up, right. But you can you have to, like talk yourself into it. If you find yourself talking
yourself into these things. It's a great sign that you're probably in denial about it. Yeah, absolutely.
And I just think about some of the things that you used to do. And then you would call me insensitive or whatnot. And I feel like if I were to do those things to you, you would have been upset too. And I wouldn't have called you insensitive or too sensitive. I would have just said like, Okay, I'm sorry, let's own our part. But it's, I didn't do those things to you. And I don't think that you, I think that when you say that I was too sensitive. It's like, oh, well, I'm just if that was
happening to me. I don't remember where I was going with this. Well,
I can I can just say, No, I saw what your point was. So what your point was, I can say that if I would have if you would have done those things to me, yeah, I would have been deeply hurt, right? deeply hurt away from me to avoid a taking accountability. Yeah. Or for you to like, get red pilled and see the truth here. Yeah, is if I validate that, or we talk about it anymore, you're gonna get to
the bottom of it. Like, I remember the anxiety of feeling like you're on to me, many times the fear of like, oh, shit, she's 100%, right and having to sit there and like, craft an argument on the spot for how to get out of it. I can't
even imagine how much energy that takes.
I'm a sick puppy man. Like, this is just how my brain worked. Um, I don't know if abuse was like, as a result of my childhood, or if it was sort of always there if I always had kind of control problems, or what but I don't know if it was like a defense tactic. I have no idea. But it was always really, really easy for me to mess with
people like that. And it's like a perfect combination when you're an active addict, because you have so much shit to keep people off of like, you have to keep people off your trail in a million different ways. And one of those tactics is this emotional manipulation. Where I've got to convince you that your feelings don't matter. Yeah, I have to convince you that you think your feelings don't matter. I'm not telling you they don't I have to convince you. Like internally
inception, right? You convinced yourself now that feelings don't matter. That comes with like, constant belittling constant devaluing if someone's doing these things to you. This is a toxic, abusive relationship. And I just I've got bad news, it's not going to get better unless some serious overhaul happens. And the chances that happening are so little, I would say it's probably just a better idea to move on than it would be to stick with it. Like, backs. It just sucks to say that, but it's
true, right? We're just speaking from experience you I've seen a lot of these things. And very few people actually get it and then take that and want to grow with it. Yeah, most people aren't interested in growth. Now they're interested in status quo, right? This is comfortable for me. Why would I do anything different? This is working for me. But you're like it's not working for me.
Listen to that voice. Yeah. Yep. All right. The next one is denying the impact on your well being. So you ignore the negative impact that relationship is having on your mental, emotional or physical health, choosing to focus only on the positive aspects or moments of the relationship. So this is kind of like trauma bonding.
Yeah, think about where you're
really focusing on the highs. Really,
really focusing on those highs and that's all you're thinking about? Yeah, like, oh, we had a really good weekend that one time things are getting better. I mean, it's like looking at you know, people will say that you when you've got Not a bad kid. The parents are oftentimes accused of looking through at the world through like rose colored glasses. People do this in their relationships all the time. You could look at me and see all the good in me, you see the
potential in me. Based on the things that I've told you, this is the person I want to be one day this is the man I want to become. This is the father I want to be in like, you're like, oh, man, I'm hooked this dude, is it? Yeah. You start to look at me with this frame that like positivity. And you're not focusing on these bad things. But a good indicator that you're wearing rose colored glasses that look at your life. Really look at your life like you talk about it in this module. Yeah,
that worksheet. Yes. Think about a time when you had a fire inside of you. reignite that fire. What would it look like when you were on top of the world the last time? What did? What was the texture of your mind? Like? What was your friend group? Like? Yeah,
what were you doing? What are you doing this in life?
Were you in school learning something? Were you optimistic about your free challenging
yourself? Are you just doing things that made you happy? And
you're really good at placing people back in that moment? And they're like, then for just a moment, they realize, Oh, my God, I'm not that person today. Yeah. Not even close. And then it vanishes again. Might it becomes a skill to look at that and remind yourself, but some of the other things like the physical pieces, you can pick up pretty quick, like have you gained or lost a lot of weight? If you're the body does keep the score. They move book. Oh, yeah, it's true. Yeah, the body will
let you know. Yes. Like, are you having panic attacks? Has your appetite changed in one way or another? Are you passionate about activities used to be really? I mean, are you still passionate about the same thing? Right, right. And that's not to say that like, yeah, I was really into roller skating when I was 10. Oh, no, there's Yeah. But do things that bring you joy like that? Right. I used to paint. I don't do that anymore. Do any of this stuff. Your body will tell you, your life will
tell you. Yes. And you are your well being is reflected in that stuff. Yes. But if you look at it through rose colored glasses, it's pretty good. We've got to how we got to you know, gratitude can be like an enemy at times. Yes. I think especially the way like this toxic gratitude thing that people use. Yeah,
yeah. Where it's like, oh, well, you all your bills are paid Are you got a roof over your head, you've got food on your table, you've got clothes on your back, you've got all these things. You've got air to breathe. You're alive. Like okay, yeah, but those aren't like, we're asking for our emotional needs to be met. You know, there's totally different well, you can you have any gratitude there, like about your emotional needs. This is all
physical stuff, right? Like, yeah, like this is these are things that you have to have to survive. Yeah. Like,
like, like the Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Yeah. Shelter and all that. Yeah. Yeah. So you were like one of the first people that I knew anyway, that identified toxic positivity, because you came from an MLM background at one time. Yes. And not to say that they're all bad. I'm not here to bash MLMs. Right, in some of these circles, and it's well documented that there are people who are struggling with their gaslit and told that they're being ungrateful. Yes. So but
that is still out there. And like, you still recognize this a lot.
Oh, yeah. Does that plan? Mean is big time on that? What do you mean? How does it play into it?
Like, the, I guess, the narrative that social media pushes, and that people will push at times?
Well, yeah, I mean, they're pushing this whole, stay positive or choose happiness, you know, that one that will choose happiness. I think that that term got spun around incorrectly. It doesn't mean that you wake up during the day and you say, You know what, I'm just going to choose to be happy today. It means that you need to make decisions within your life that are gonna make you happy. And I know that you've always said happiness is the way and what is it?
There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way
well, you don't just choose to be happy. You have to build a life around yourself that is going to bring you happiness.
Yeah, I think that applies in the context. I've always thought about that was materialistic things. I thought that when I got a certain car, or when we got a certain house, or when I got a certain job or a level of income, then I would be happy. Oh, yeah. But each time I would achieve any of those things or a goal, for instance, it could easily go like I have a goal to Okay. Like, aesthetically, I always wanted a
six pack. Like that was the thing for me from the time I was a little boy, the first time I ever saw Arnold Schwarzenegger. I was like, I want to look like that guy. Yeah. And I thought when I did, and I look anything like Arnold, don't get me wrong, but
Oh, you look pretty damn good. He wasn't that No, no,
but I got in really, really good shape. And I got a six pack and I was like shredded up. I had less than 10% body fat and a bunch of muscles. And I was like, it's not what I thought it was. He were starving. That too. And I always thought that you'd be all over me. You thought it was cool for like 10 minutes. And then you were like, I
just I mean I think it's hot and it's your sexy it's just that's not what I will. It's emotional needs that need needs to be met. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Well, anyway, when it comes to this happiness thing, yes, that is like how I apply that. I think that has a place, right? If you think that this next, like you just anytime you succeed, all you've really done is just set the bar for the next level of success. Yeah, like, let's okay, we're 100,000 downloads in the podcast. I remember whenever we were happy with 1000 And then how quick did 1000 not become cool? The moment we gotta ya know what I know
that kind of stuff. That's never but that ain't for me, things don't so much apply, right to a relationship like this or your well being. So
if you're talking about gratitude, what would you within these types of relationships? I'm trying to think, okay, what are you grateful for? Like, the times that they're sober and they're acting? somewhat normal? Like where? Where would you look at the gratitude? To
find gratitude in an addicted relationship? Yeah. How would I suggest someone find gratitude?
Know, like, what, what would they be grateful for in the relationship? What is something that they could look at that would be positive? Because this is saying, you know, you ignore the negative and you only focus on the positive aspects of the moment? What are the positive aspects of this relationship that are overriding the negative? I think
that people can, can visit like their, like their vignette memory banks pretty quickly. And they can think of the times like even recently, like, what they were like, really, really good with the kids like, Okay, whenever he had little Josie on his shoulders, and they were walking through the mall, like, in that moment, I just felt and the potential that's what holds on to the potential even in those moments, it's like, wow, like that. There. It is, like, that's the guy married though.
Those types of things
are not consistent. No, they're not. And they're supposed to be consistent. Yes. I'm not saying perfect all the time, though. But definitely more often than not,
that's a good way to put it. Yeah, like finally, you can gaslight yourself into finding gratitude in any situation, right? And in fact, I think that it can be really beneficial at times. Yes. Viktor Frankl wrote a book called Man's Search for Meaning. Frankel, I think he's a psychiatrist, maybe psychologist either way, he was a prisoner in a concentration camp World War Two. Right, right. And it's about how they could take
everything from him. But his hope and gratitude, finding gratitude and some of the simple things in life, but
he hadn't he had no choice in that situation. Yeah, that's, that's a, that's the difference, right? So
he was in this dark situation. And that's how he was able to survive. It was truly a survival mechanism. And I think it was a beautiful mindset to have in that moment, with chaos breaking out around you. But you're right. This is a voluntary relationship that you're Yes. And oftentimes, you're still in it because you think you're supposed to be
right. Or because the church tells you you have to be because your friends pressure you to be and you don't want to split up your family because of finances because of all these things. And you can find yourself getting grateful for all this stuff, but like be real, but
then that keeps you in denial. Does that's the because there are Yeah,
that's that's the catch. That's the catch. Yeah. So you could choose to do that like melody is a BD or Betty BD. I believe she wrote codependency or codependent no more. There's this quote that she had written. From her second book, I believe called the language of letting go. She wrote denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul. It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular
reality. People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we will not see or hear it until we are ready. Yeah, I think that that's so spot on.
Oh my gosh, yes.
So spot on. So spot on, like denial is a shock absorber, I think in some ways, but we've always just encouraged people like, look at the reality of these things. Like, let's just look at it for what it is. We're gonna love you and hold you through it. But we need you to see it. Yeah, I need you to look at this. Right. Truly, I tell addicts the exact same thing. Absolutely. I am a firm believer that you never ever, ever tear anybody apart without zippin and
backup, right? So when I first meet somebody, and we're working through recovery, I will destroy them till they're a blubbering mess. Dang. And then I build him back up on what life could look like. Yeah, but I need you to see who you are. Yeah, if you don't see how miserable and how sick you are, you're not going to be interested in doing anything about it. I need you to feel it. I need you to see it. I need it to hurt you
have to feel that discomfort. Yes, it's it's it may hurt, like the discomfort that you have throughout your relationship. But it's going to be different because it's going to be it might be it might be more difficult at first because it's getting you out of your comfort zone. But eventually, that discomfort is going to be such a huge relief for you because you're learning how to work your way through it. It starts when you get past yes it does. It does start with pain.
But do you want to be in the same pain the rest of your life within you know, this dynamic that you're in or do you Want to shift that pain?
Yeah.
Does that make sense? Yeah,
yeah, there's a psych psychologist I was listening to the other day remember who it was, was Peterson or someone else, but this guy was saying, he's like, you're screwed. Either way. You're screwed either way. Both outcomes are screwed. If you stay, you're screwed. You know what your life is gonna look like, but it's gonna get worse because it's progressive. Exactly. So it's you think it's bad now? Just wait. It gets worse over time. Yes, it gets way worse. Right?
Think the abuse is bad now? Just wait. I think it's it's bad with no kids is when you have kids, right? You think it's bad with like, little kids wait till they're teenagers? And they're adults, and they need like real parents and adults around to help them. Yeah, you've got the burden of everything. Right? The alternative also sucks. Leaving is scary. Yeah, there's your own that comes with that huge amount of grief, which we're gonna talk about in the episode pretty
soon. You're screwed either way. But at least you get to choose how screwed you're going to be, and what that path looks like. And one is progressively worse. The other one's progressively better. That's the thing. It's like, it's they're both progressive paths. But one goes down and one goes up. Yeah. Now, denial is a shock absorber. At times, we do need that. People aren't ready to process things right away. If I had $1 Every time I talked to someone who had a problem, and they just went,
Man, you're right. What do I got to do next? I would have like $2. Yeah, I've talked to hundreds of 1000s of people. Most people are in denial for quite some time until like, it's bad enough that the shock has over brakes. And you've seen cars rotted Rome with no shocks. They're a mess. Life is falling apart. Yeah, they have to get there. But you can also sort of wake yourself up to it. Yeah. So you're screwed either
way. Well, it's just like, changing your lifestyle, like your diet lifestyle. Same Yeah, pick your pick your heart, if you're gonna stay in these poor eating habits not working out, it's gonna go down, it's gonna get progressively worse, you're gonna get sick later on down the road. You know, it causes a bunch of issues within your you
will have health, everything your life will end before it was supposed to right Oh, doubt about it will be on medication,
or you choose the path that seems more difficult. And it is mentally more challenging. Oh, it's hard. But you're going to have a way more fulfilling life. And it gets progressively easier, it gets easier. And you are building up your self esteem even more, because you're choosing to challenge yourself and how do you build up your self esteem, you challenge yourself and then you follow follow through, do hard things do hard things. So it's very similar to that. We've talked
about it's been a long time but Paige lost like 50 or 60
pounds 50 pounds in six months and six months? Yes. Because I stayed very disciplined on on the on the program I
was on. And that was hard. But now you have maintained it is become well, I've
kind of gone like this are still but I'm still nothing like I was before I have I don't want to go back to where I was before. Because I did make the changes within my brain. I trained my brain to do the hard things that were going to you know, keep me fit and healthy. Yeah. Which a little plug right now. Next week. I believe. E to M Signups are happening.
Yeah. E to M. fitness.com. Yeah. Check it out here to motivate. I think it is it. I think it ETM fitness.com.
I don't know. Either. Just we'll put it in the notes or we'll bill.
You great, great program. Yeah, it is. enough good things about it. And people that run it. They're awesome. But back to the denying the impact of your well being. Yeah, you've been through this emotionally. You've been through this physically and everything else. You're right, once progressively harder over time it gets keeps getting worse. It keeps getting worse. It keeps getting worse, won't
gets better. But it all comes down to like, listen, we want to we we've always said we will love you until you can love yourself. And we will be there we will hold you we will be there with you with patients. No matter where you're at. You can be the person that comes in Super hopeful. And then they say Hey, I see the light, this isn't gonna work. And then you come back in two months and say, Hey, I'm hopeful and happy again. And then you come back a month later, hey, this sucks again.
You can be that person. We're still gonna love you. Yeah, because we know like, like the author said, Man, we know early. Yes, until you're ready to see it, you won't see it. But we're gonna encourage every way possible that you do see this sooner than later, right? Because we've been there before. There's benefit to doing that. And this is like an elevator. The same for addiction recovery. And it's just like for you guys. Like you hit rock bottom. Everyone has to hit rock bottom.
But you hit rock bottom. When you stop digging, at some point make a decision to stop digging. Yeah, it was described to me that recovery is like an elevator and this goes for spouses and addicts. It's like an elevator. You can get off on any floor that you want. Yeah. You can choose to get off on any floor that you want. You have choices. How far down do you want to ride this thing? Yeah, because it's only going one direction. Yeah, down. Yeah. How
far down do you want to go? Is the question Yeah, which you can get off whenever?
I like that.
I don't think I've ever heard you say that one for sure you have. Sure. Yeah, I
wasn't listening. Oh, but I liked it. Sometimes I just blank out. Alright, the next one is going to be hope for change, which is kind of what we've discussed. But you hold on to the belief that your partner will change their behavior or that the relationship will improve. Despite evidence to the contrary. You did a newsletter on that.
Oh, on hope? Yeah, that's right. Yeah, it was called a few. Hey, if you don't subscribe to our newsletter, I write a newsletter every week. It's completely free. Just go to photo calm. Yeah, go to photo, comm. And sign up. And it comes out. Wednesday mornings, like 5am 5pm Our time anyway. They was called Hope is beautiful hope is dangerous. And it's about this very thing. I think that when people first see us, the first thing they're attracted to is they figured it
out. Right? Those two figured it out. Right? You get really hopeful. Yeah, you think hope? It just hits you. Boom, oh, my God, that can be high. It is. It's intoxicating. Like in that moment, everything you thought was ruined, is suddenly better because someone found a way out. And they're going to show me how. But if you listen closely to what we talked about, I hope that you hear that. We are the exception, not the rule. Right.
And that the other part of this is that there's only so much that Paige could have done to get us here. Yeah, it was up to you. I've always said that the the larger burden of change has to come from the addicted person. Yeah, for the most part, you were all right, man. Like you have too much stuff going on. I had to grow up like you wouldn't believe. Yeah. Eventually, I got to a point where I had caught up. And now it's like, Alright, now we're chasing each other back and
forth. You know, it's like, I take the lead, and you take the lead, and now we're chasing each other. But for a long time, I was like, in last place, you were running laps around me. So it's really easy to get hopeful that that could be you. It's really easy to get hopeful. But hope can be a beautiful thing in that regard. Because some people can change. I'm evidence people can change. Yeah, you can redo everything about yourself, you can become a completely different person. But it's not
going to be up to you. So I think you can get hopeful for other reasons than just your relationships going to work out. We encourage people to get hopeful about what your life could look like, if you were really happy. Yeah, what would have to happen in your life for you to be truly happy? So think about yourself? Would you like let's say that you had to do it all over again? Well, part of our evaluation, it's part of the value. There you go. More plugged in the value, guys. The
evaluation is great. It is so we have never been in over here like trying to shake people down for cash. Like we're that's not us. It will never be us. We are we are as honest as they come. Yeah. But it's worth it. That that module is so worth
it. It really is. It really is. But anyway,
like would you would you go back to school? Would you learn a new would you learn something new? Like would you be a writer? Would you move somewhere else? Would you move at the beach? Like we had to do it all over again? Like it hopeful that that that life is still there? Yeah, it is. Never Too Late yourself.
It's never
too late. Like I have I got really discouraged about writing a book, I got really discouraged about starting the podcast about all the things we do what, because I felt like we we we missed that many people in their 20s do that stuff. People always don't do that. That's so not true. But like, I've come to understand that like a lot of my favorite authors and writers and like they started later 40s 50s Yeah, like there are some people that write their first books in their 60s. Exactly. It's like
it's never too late. So get hopeful, hopeful for get hopeful that you can be the happiest person on earth.
And well, you can be the best version of yourself possible. Like we're not always happy.
At some point, you can look at your life and just be like, This is great. Yeah, this is great. Yeah, you can be proud of your accomplished even in all of our crazy stress. We have like I think about our lives. And I'm like, I'm really, really grateful where we are today. For sure. credibly happy. But I think had I not done this. I could see you happy to. Yeah, no matter what I could see, I know you'd be happy you'd find a way.
Yeah, get hopeful for that get hopeful that you've still got fire in you enough if that this person doesn't have the capacity to change, or they refuse to change that you can be happy. Yeah. And I don't know, maybe maybe 10 years down the road. You guys reconcile and you get validated and all that becomes right in some way. Yeah. But by that point, you know, you're, you know that you can do it. Yeah. So you're not not worried. Maybe you get remarried? I don't know. But there are options out
there. Right. Like you're not stuck,
right? Yeah, there are choices. Alright, so the next one is suppressing intuition. So you push aside your instincts or gut feelings that something is wrong in the relationship, choosing instead to trust your partner's words or actions. Talk to me about intuition. So I'm reading a book called awakening intuition right now. This is actually a book that my therapist recommended to me.
Seven years ago, it's been sitting on a shelf and it's been sitting on our shelf because I just didn't it I don't know I wasn't ready to read it yet. There are a lot of times that I've been recommended. books and I just wasn't ready to read it. And I'm sure there are times that I recommend books to people, and they're not ready to read it at that time. But in seven years you will be.
It's off the shelf above our our headboard. And we were talking about intuition. I was like, What's that book? You looked at it?
No. Yeah, we were talking about intuition. Or when you said, what you just said, that's pretty much what that book title is about. And I was like, What are you talking about? Like, oh, now I have to read that book. Because I've been really big on intuition and gut feelings lately. We
liked the book, because it was green, and it popped nice on that wall. Yeah,
it was great. It goes good. But with the stuff Yeah, I'm pretty I mean, I haven't, I've only gotten through it a little bit. So I'm not. I don't know how great it is yet until I finish it. So I didn't really want to talk about the book. But it does go along with this whole intuition thing. We're all born with a natural compass, I guess you could say, We're all born with something that tells us how to live our lives based on survival and our values, pretty
much. But the world and societies become so muddy with too much information, and too much structure in a way where it's like, you have to do things this way. That way, you know, nobody knows how to make their own decisions anymore. And if we just go back to listening to our gut and our intuition, you can make decisions. And it doesn't matter what anybody else says, this is your life, and what is
going to work for you. And this says choosing to trust your partners words or actions, that happens so much in these relationships. It's kind of like what we were talking about earlier, whenever you were like rationalizing or whatnot. And your partner would say something like, oh, you know, maybe maybe they are right, and maybe I'm wrong. You know, we just completely put our voices aside. Yeah,
are those hollow apologies that come through? Where you'll say all the right things? Everything like it could have been written by Shakespeare. But there's no play to back it up? Yeah, there's no actions. Yeah. There's so many guys that are great, smooth talkers. And they can get themselves out of all kinds of stuff, saying the right things. We know what to say. But very few people do what they say they're going to do. Yeah, that should be the the acid test.
Yeah, for whether or not you're gonna suppress your own intuition. But we've also talked about it in previous episodes. And he made a great point there that society has his way of like, there's too much information and you just question everything now. Like, if you ever look up, like, you know, I think weight loss is so freaking, like, intimidating for people is because if you look up how to do it, there's a million methods. And everyone's says, I'm right, this works for you.
This is the one that works, right? Want to get shredded like me do this, right? So people will find themselves jumping from like, you're on like paleo keto, you're doing macros, you're doing whole 30 You're doing all you know, it's like, there's so much info. Yeah. But our intuition gets suppressed, like this is kind of the same
thing. But part another part of it is, and we've talked about this, that being in a relationship with an abusive person has a way of crushing your self esteem to where you don't even trust your own intuition anymore. Which is why one of the first things that people say to us, like if we're working with them, and one on ones, like in our coaching is like, I can't even answer that question. Because I don't even know who I am anymore. Like, I
don't even know what I want. I don't know who I am or what I am. And that's heartbreaking, man. Yeah, when you hear people say that, but it's because they're, they've suppressed their own intuition. And then we also live in this world, which is so loud. Yeah. So we always second guess our own minds. Yeah. But most of the time, you know, yeah. Like, you ever go to a restaurant. We do this all time at restaurants. And you look at the menu, and you know what you want? Like that? Yeah,
no, yeah. And what do you do? The waiter takes 20 minutes. So you sit there, you look at the other stuff, you second guess? If you change your mind three or four times you order something. And he comes in, it sucks. And they go, I should just ordered the thing I was going to order because I will always order your first thing. Yeah, I know. It's gonna be good. Yeah, I did the same thing. Just go with your gut. Trust your gut a little bit
more. Yeah. Like you were built with this beautiful internal operating system. Yes. And a lot of us have lost it. We've just lost it because of abusive people because of the crazy world that we live in. But getting back to trusting that person that has always been there and like you have this amazing intuition and ability to determine what's best for you. What should I do next? Yeah, most of the time, people just need the permission to do it.
Right? They're looking for the validation that like I'm on the right track here. Right, right. That's why like peer to peer groups exist, like I need to bounce this off somebody because I think this is crazy. Oftentimes, you'll hear like, I did the exact same thing, or maybe just change it to add but like you're on the right track. You're on the right track. Trust you're into Question. Yeah. It's hard to do though, whenever you feel like it's not there anymore, you don't know what
happened to it. Well, also
there are some times when people get confused with intuition and like neuroticism type thing.
So, I should have an episode neuroticism. Yes,
we will. So just some things that are like a little out there, you know that aren't there kind of unrealistic turn off Id channel y'all. Yes, things like that turn off. I didn't like that. Like things like that. Because that's not really your gut talking. That's that's more paranoia of paranoia and things like that. But when it comes to actually making decisions in your life, that are gonna affect you listen to your gut.
I've always I could be insane saying this, and no one relates to what I'm about to say. But I've always felt like there was a wiser part of me inside. And at times. The
weird talking about yourself like this, or do you like it? No, no, I'm
hoping this can be helpful for people. Okay. I have come to identify like this voice in me and like, this is more of a feeling. And the emotion when it comes up like the thought has, like, Guys, it's gonna sound crazy, almost like a not a smell, but like a sense to it. Like, you ever put chewed on foil before with cavities like that? Electric stop. Okay, when I get when my intuition hits, and I know I should do something that I don't want to do. It has
like a texture to it. Yeah, like that wisdom that comes from like, not my, not my, like the brain that thinks right, but more so more deeper. Yes. You know it when you I am I alone in that? Do you feel that too? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about? Okay. It's like your intuition has like a flavor of its own. Yeah, pay attention to that. Pay attention to it when it's talking. It's important. Yeah, it is there to protect you. It is wiser than you. And you might not think that that
person's in there. But it's in there. I was listening to this. The story there was this navy seal. I don't even know who it was. But he got canceled on the internet. He must have said something. I don't know what he said or what he did. But he got cancelled by like a Twitter mob like these people came after him. And he said he thought it was a really tough guy. Like he was a Navy SEAL. It was like the
toughest of the tough, okay. But in that moment, he was destroyed as low as he ever been in his entire life, like, felt like he was worthless, like he was good for nothing. And he said in the back of his mind, he had always wondered and feared that he was actually a coward, that all this stuff he always did was like this outward way of displaying that he was like this big, tough guy. But he said deep down, he always sort of believed in some way that he was actually a
coward. But he he had faith that when the moment came, when the rubber met the road, and that shit hit the fan that that better version of himself would appear. And he's he had this quote that gives me goosebumps, like hair on the back of my neck stands up. He said, I could always hear my better self clearing his throat in the other room. Like he could you know what I mean? Like, do you does that resonate with you? Or is it just me? Like when I heard that? I was like, I know exactly what
he's talking about. I don't know, you've brought this up before. Like, I've always felt like there was a better version of me. That wasn't scared that didn't have anxiety that didn't have this addictive issues. And like, this is a lot what got me sober. Like, I could always hear that guy. Everybody has anxiety. You know what I mean? Like debilitating, like, scared to do anything. Like I always could hear that dude in the room next door, clearing his throat and I was reminded at times that he
was in there. Oh, there he is. It was just real quick. I could just hear him. And I would No, I think that was my intuition. I think that was like, my authentic self. That's my gut. Like, that's what we're kind of getting it like that person is in there. Yeah, it's really easy to block them out and let the fears take over. And all the what ifs that could happen. I have faith that that person is there. And they will show up. Yeah, if you like them. But yeah,
but even like triggers and things like that. That's part of your intuition. That's your body telling you something? Yes. Anytime your body is doing anything that feels different. Like you said earlier, your body does keep the score this you have to pay attention to all of these emotions and sensations and feelings. It's all within your body. And that's part of your intuition.
Yeah. Don't suppress it any more than it has to when you when that when you get that that little center that zing in your head. You hear that voice? You hear that person clearing their throat, pay attention, don't suppress it. Yep.
Alright, so the last one is fear of confrontation or change. So you avoid confronting your partner about their toxic behavior, or initiating changes in the relationship because you're afraid of the consequences, or the unknown. Well, this is pretty common and standard even though a lot of us have, you know, confronted our partners and it always turns into nothing. Yeah, but I think that the fear of change is one of the big ones here is that you're scared of what it looks
like on the other side. Yeah, scared of getting out of your comfort zone. It's scary as hell or you're or getting out of denial. You know, it's scary. There's
this quote. I don't even know who said it. I don't know who attributed it to. So I apologize. But denying the truth doesn't change the facts. Just because we deny the truth doesn't change the facts of our situation. And the facts have to be dealt with at some point. These are the facts. Absolutely. They will come out, they will find a way to the surface, they float, and they will find their way and you're right. There's a fear of confrontation or change and it's okay to be scared.
Yeah, guys, I don't ever want anyone to feel like we're telling them you can't be fearful. Scared is totally fine. You can you can have a lot of fear around this. It's okay. Like that's why we encourage people to lean on the community. Like get with the community get with other people go they're going through this. Like I was really scared when I was going into this. You were scared when you were going through this. Like we had people around us who are letting us know it's okay to
feel that way. Yeah, it's massive. Its massive. So I think that wraps up denial. Yeah, that's a lot. Yeah, it is. But yeah, denial doesn't change the facts. Like tell yourself these things aren't so and like as we started off with is that it's never going to feel real like you're gonna think it feels different. You're here you're you're everything you're in everything you thought you'd never be in chances are if you're listening to us chances are you're already there. Right?
And we'll love you until you can love yourself will love you until well I'll actually will say we love you until it's not contingent. We'll always love you, no matter where you're at along your journey, but will always you always get nothing but patients for muscle on this. You know, I don't want people to hear this and think that okay, I have to change today. No, you don't know. You don't. You'll change when you're ready to change. Exactly. Just remember it is an elevator. Yep.
Yes. All
right. Well, I think that's all we got. So until next time, I am man. I'm Paige.
Bye