Bareback Privilege and the Demise of Risk-Aversion There's a new kind of gay male sexual privilege, one that’s entering dangerous areas of health, disease control, and prejudice: gay men who are on PrEP and only have bareback sex. There Is Risk in Everything We Do “As renowned PrEP educator and marriage and family therapist, Damon Jacobs, thoughtfully pointed out in a piece for The Advocate titled, “Sex With PrEP, Like Life, Is Never Without Risk,” 133 pedestrians are killed in New York City eac...
Jul 11, 2019•34 min•Ep. 93
If there was no prejudice against LGBTQ people, we wouldn’t need to hold Pride parades all over the world during Pride month in June. We would be part of every day “straight pride”, which is the freedom to walk out and about without ever having the concern about your gender or sexual identity coming into question. Protests change in size, meaning, and voracity. To celebrate Pride – to revel openly as who we are, in public out on the streets, holding hands with the person we love, kissing our sam...
Jul 04, 2019•25 min•Ep. 92
A Living OUT Leadership Interview with Jeff Iovannone and Ken Gault In this special "Pride" episode, we discuss the “Stonewall origin myth” and why the mainstream assumption that “gay liberation” started with Stonewall is both problematic and harmful. According to Jeffry Iovannone, one of the two commentators on this episode, “The danger of the Stonewall myth [...] lies in the fact that it has become not only one story LGBTQ people tell about themselves, but the story we tell about ourselves. St...
Jun 19, 2019•2 hr 2 min•Ep. 91
Why Saying “I Can’t” or “No” Won’t Help Change Your Behaviour Some time ago I was following up with a coaching client about his challenge of saying “Yes” to too many opportunities. He was getting bogged down in commitments which were distracting from what was most important in his life and career. He felt very uncomfortable saying "no" to someone who asked for his help or advice – which on the one hand is a compliment – but on the other hand, he needed to say “yes” to his own needs, before anyon...
Jun 12, 2019•18 min•Ep. 90
Why Black Lives Matters was right: Uniformed Police have no place at Pride. Imagine watching the Pride Parade on a gorgeous, sunny, summer day in Toronto, 2016. You’re smiling, laughing, and feeling part of something bigger than yourself, celebrating love and diversity marching down Yonge Street in Toronto. Suddenly you hear whistles and a voice on a bull horn shouting demands. A group of people calling themselves Black Lives Matters (BLM) stops the entire Toronto Pride Parade by sitting down on...
Jun 05, 2019•30 min•Ep. 89
In the last episode, I mentioned I was considering changing the name of the Living OUT Podcast. I’m happy to say that Living OUT is the right name for my podcast. This all has to do with my core message. I’m about challenging the status quo – both other people’s beliefs, as well as my own. I help people use their difference to make a difference. I want to help people Live Out the best of who they are, to live out their authentic self that they may only share with people they trust. Why should we...
May 30, 2019•26 min•Ep. 88
One morning about four years ago I was feeling sorry for myself. I had been wallowing in self pity and I suddenly “woke up” and decided to journal about what I was feeling so that I could change my emotional state. What was I feeling sorry about? I was feeling sorry for myself that I was tired, emotionally drained, that I was working so hard, that I didn’t have enough money, and that I was about to make a shift in my business focus yet again. I was also incredibly sore from my workout the day be...
May 23, 2019•27 min•Ep. 87
Inside Out is a not-for-profit registered charity that exists to challenge attitudes and change lives through the promotion, production and exhibition of film made by and about lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans (LGBT) people of all ages, races and abilities. For more than two decades, Inside Out has brought Toronto's LGBT community together in celebration of the best queer film from Canada and around the world. In 1985, I saw my first “gay” film at TIFF (The Toronto International Film Festival), ...
May 20, 2019•50 min•Ep. 86
Omar's story and his journey to Canada as a refugee Imagine living in a country where, if you were found out to be gay by ISIS, you would be thrown off the tallest building around, while your family and friends were forced to watch. This is the story of Omar and two of the people who have been part of a very long process to bring him safely to Canada. As part of Omar’s application process for Rainbow Refugee, he wrote, “My name is Omar. I'm from Iraq and I'm gay. I left my family in Iraq and fle...
May 16, 2019•1 hr 1 min•Ep. 85
Living OUT Leadership Today we are speaking with Antoine Elhashem, the founder of the annual Inspire Awards which honours the most inspiring people, youth, businesses and organizations in the LGBTQ community in the Greater Toronto Area. Antoine is quite the Renaissance man! He is founder and president of INSPIRE Awards. He is very active in the community and has volunteered for and sat on the board of directors of a number of community organizations. Antoine is the president and publisher of LGB...
May 13, 2019•55 min•Ep. 84
About twice a month I write a newsletter to share and promote the queer thought leadership that’s published on my magazine, Th-Ink Queerly on Medium. The day after I published, Normate Gays, an LGBTQ Canadian Coin, and the Importance of Inconvenience I received a response to the newsletter. The offended party wrote: “Take me off your mailing list please. I will not be called queer, it is offensive and disgusting. Besides half the weird shit I read from you makes me very very angry. You've absolu...
May 09, 2019•26 min•Ep. 83
Mark Greene is an Emmy Winning animator, author, speaker, parent and Senior Editor at The Good Men Project. He is the founder of Remaking Manhood, a Facebook community promoting a wider-ranging conversation about masculinity. Mark’s articles on masculinity have been shared half a million times on social media with 20 million page views. He has written and spoken about men’s issues at Salon, Shriver Report, Huffington Post, HLN, BBC, and the New York Times. He’s the author of The Little #MeToo Bo...
May 06, 2019•1 hr 14 min•Ep. 82
Behold, these are the 10 Commandments of the Heteronormative Patriarchy for gay men who want to blend in, fit in, act like everyone else, and be respectable! Thou shalt judge other gays. Thou shalt hold your voice silent when others make homophobic comments. Thou shalt minimize talking about your sex or love life, if at all. Thou shalt control your mannerisms, never flamboyant or feminine. Thou shalt never make a straight man feel uncomfortable with your eyes. Thou shalt act like “one of the boy...
May 02, 2019•17 min•Ep. 81
Brene Brown is considered an expert in her research on vulnerability and shame. What she teaches in her program, The Power of Vulnerability provides a powerful foundation to how we, as gay men and LGBTQ people, can use our difference to make a difference. Vulnerability helps us deal with our own gay shame, and in the process lead others in society on how to cleanse shame. In this episode, I bring together Brown’s insights on vulnerability with one of the 14 gay male gifts – as taught in Raymond ...
Apr 29, 2019•28 min•Ep. 80
Why be normal when you can be different? How do you exist in the gay world that prioritizes the “normate gay” (white, cis-male, physically fit) when you are disabled? One way is to lead with humour. This is exactly what Ryan O’Connell does with his hilarious and powerful new show on Netflix, Special. O’Connell wrote the script and plays the main character based loosely on his own life, who is also called Ryan. Show synopsis Special, is a distinctive and uplifting new series about a gay man, Ryan...
Apr 25, 2019•19 min•Ep. 79
One truth I know about gay men is that many of us don't know how to be men. How can we live out our most authentic gay selves when we are faced with challenges like toxic masculinity, which attempts to regulate the feminine in all men? In our own community, we face toxic gay masculinity that’s manifest in gay men who identify as straight-acting (who, for example, advertise as “masc seeking same” on dating apps). Nor do we live in the world of a simple binary anymore. We have trans men and women,...
Apr 22, 2019•24 min•Ep. 78
Living OUT Leadership Interview Series Jeff Iovannone is an activist-scholar, writer, educator, and researcher from Buffalo, New York who holds a Ph.D. in American Studies and specializes in gender and LGBTQ studies. He is the creator of the blog Queer History for the People , a columnist for Th-Ink Queerly , a member of the Buffalo-Niagara LGBTQ History Project , and is a founding member of Body Liberated Buffalo, a volunteer-run activist and advocacy group that works for body liberation in Wes...
Apr 15, 2019•1 hr 22 min•Ep. 77
We Are Living in Troubled Times. Many of us feel compelled to do something, to affect change, but we might feel powerless, disconnected, or unsure how a single person could change the world for the better. I’ve been working on creating and describing the foundations of personal leadership for myself, and by extension other men who identify as gay. I’ve been working on this idea since February 2018, which eventually lead to the launch of the Living OUT Podcast in June of that year. At the start o...
Apr 11, 2019•28 min•Ep. 76
How is it possible for “a sincerely held religious belief” to be used as an acceptable form of discrimination? The answer is simple. There are far too many powerful egos in power pandering to far too many fearful egos who scream the loudest and also throw the largest amount of cash and support behind any politician who helps them get their way. Last week LGBTQ lives and rights were yet again put into question: The Texas Senate on Tuesday gave its initial OK to a bill that civil rights advocates ...
Apr 08, 2019•28 min•Ep. 75
There is no in-between. Life is ephemeral. Everything is temporary. We only have this moment now, so if you are not consciously doing something that serves you or makes you happy, how does waiting serve you? When challenging things happen – and they will – ask yourself, “What's the opportunity here?” – Rich Litvin A Coaching Client Story. One of my clients felt like it was wrong to have a goal around money. I asked, “What’s wrong with money for you?” He said, “I judge money for not being there.”...
Apr 04, 2019•26 min•Ep. 74
We can hope for change, we can hope for things to get better, we can hope for LGBTQ equality, but hope internalized is nothing but a silent wish kept in the closet. To be a change-maker – to be the change you want to see in the world – you need the help of others and more importantly, you need to express that hope with action. You Must Give Voice to Your Hope. And you need to speak up. You need to share your hopes for improving the world. You need to communicate those hopes with empathy in a con...
Apr 01, 2019•17 min•Ep. 73
As a gay man, what does it mean to live OUT the best of who you are? For me it's about recognizing if I've left any best parts of me in the closet, and which of those skills, desires, or talents I want to bring OUT to experience and enjoy. When I was a teenager growing up in the lates 70s and early 80s, I fell in love with figure skating, gymnastics, and contemporary dance. I never got to practice any of those athletic activities, but I watched – in silence and in secret. My memories are in blac...
Mar 28, 2019•27 min•Ep. 72
Last week I was invited to speak with the students of my colleague, Jeffry Iovannone , in his class, Foundations of Social Justice, about the issues of sexism, masculinity, and the negative, angry responses to Gillette’s recent ad campaign, “The Best Men Can Be”. The class was asked to review my episode, Authentic Masculinity Is The Best A Man Can Get – LOP052 , in which I deconstruct not only the ad, but the problematic responses from people like Piers Morgan and James Woods. We were discussing...
Mar 25, 2019•28 min•Ep. 71
Last week I was listening to Jonathan Van Ness ’ podcast, Getting Curious (whom many of you might know from the Netflix show, Queer Eye). The episode, What is Toxic Stress & Why is She So Bad? , featured Dr. Caroline Leaf who’s a cognitive neuroscientist with a PhD in Communication Pathology and a BSc in Logopedics and Audiology, specializing in metacognitive and cognitive neuropsychology. Where Does Toxic Stress Come From? Leaf describes how negative thinking – especially the same negative ...
Mar 21, 2019•26 min•Ep. 70
You need to keep trying, no matter what. ”How long should you try? Until." – Jim Rohn Jim Rohn never fails to say so much with so few words. What will it take for you to achieve your goals, be it your health, your business, or personal goals? But what if your goals involve LGBTQ equality, human rights, and absolute freedom from oppression and bigotry of any kind? It takes willpower, clarity of vision, determination, steadfastness, the ability to pick yourself right back up and continue when you ...
Mar 18, 2019•19 min•Ep. 69
Are you a “Yes-person”, someone who says yes to everything, because you think if you don’t, people might not like or respect you? If you’re a gay man, did you start saying YES to everyone as a way to deflect attention from who you are? As a way to stay hidden in the closet? Perhaps saying yes became a habit. You said yes more and more, keeping friends and family happy, to such an extend that they didn’t need to know anything more about you. Everyone knew you were the person they could rely on, w...
Mar 14, 2019•13 min•Ep. 68
“…from the standpoint of the ego, the universe is seen as the “other.” The ego concludes that this “other” is against it and, therefore, that I must struggle to survive.” The Tao of Abundance, Laurence G. Boldt Are You Struggling in Any Part of Your Life? Is your love life, career, or your life purpose a problem or are you at ease with who you are, and making the best of your life? Many clients come to me as a coach wanting to work on a creative endeavour. More often than not, there’s something ...
Mar 11, 2019•22 min•Ep. 67
When Your Heroes Start Dying. Baby, life's what you make it Can't escape it Baby, yesterday's favorite Don't you hate it Baby life's what you make it Don't back date it Baby, don't try to shade it Beauty is naked Baby, life's what you make it Celebrate it Anticipate it Yesterday's faded Nothing can change it Life's what you make it Life's What You Make It – Talk Talk Last week I read in the news that the Mark Hollis, the lead singer from the 80’s band Talk Talk, had passed away at the age of 64....
Mar 07, 2019•11 min•Ep. 66
Evolving Insights Into the Evolutionary Leadership Abilities of Gay Men. Possibly the most important and vital quality in a leader is honesty. I would also add the qualifiers, transparency and vulnerability. If I were to ask you and a group of people from all walks of life, the question, “What is leadership?”, I could create a massive list of attributes. We could also select from the hundreds of thousands of leadership books and come up with the top 10 books on leadership. We could even create a...
Mar 04, 2019•24 min•Ep. 65
Reading my Twitter feed last week, I read this knee-jerk reaction to people with beautiful bodies posting pictures of themselves on Instagram, AKA "Thirst Traps": https://twitter.com/gaywonk/status/1098676404739289094 Hyperbolic language doesn’t help Putting all of Instagram and gay thirst traps into a single container only makes things worse. This is the path of blaming external circumstances and playing the victim, instead of taking ownership for the problem and coming up with creative solutio...
Feb 28, 2019•29 min•Ep. 64
