Hello podcast fans it's Therapy Natters time. If you don't know Therapy Natters is the weekly podcast series presented by myself, going to answer all your questions or as many questions as we can squeeze Hey Fiona, how are you doing today?
Very good. Thanks. Yes, everything's lovely here. Um, But today we've got one very short question. But it will expand into quite a lot of natter. I think
Absolutely.
There's a lot to natter about with this one question from another, Anon it's, a very common name in our country
Oh, yes. it is.
a lot of them about, but this person called Anon has said,
It's a small question for, like you say a very big topic because How does somebody know that their self-esteem is low. To them. What is self-esteem and what is their goal? How would they know when they have higher self-esteem?
Well, shall we start then by looking at some definitions?
Yes, please. I do like a definition.
Well, you're going to get a lot
Good stuff.
Because in order to define self esteem, We need Self-concept so how we see ourselves, what we believe about ourselves. So each person has an idea of who they are and some of that So in my self-concept, I have got the fact, and it is a fact that I am That is part of my self-concept. It would be a bit odd if my self-concept was saying that I But it goes beyond the facts and into perceptions. Many clients will distort elements of self-concept that aren't precise.
So elements like, Attractiveness or beauty or kindness or intelligence, And We will be getting to discuss the fact that all of these elements are very But we all start with an idea of who we are in this world. And then we've got three different factors around. So we've got self esteem, but we've also got self-confidence and But let's look at self efficacy first because that's probably the easiest.
That is about how you believe you are in terms of your So you might have high self-efficacy in a particular sport, but not in another one. You might have. Hi, self-efficacy, in doing maths, but not writing an essay So self-efficacy is about the ability that you perceive that
Was it Bandura?
It was Bandura.
I knew it! I am qualified!
Gold Gold star.
I I thank you!
But yes, it is Albert Bandura who came up with all sorts of
Mm. What I'm interested there is, I mean you were probably So apologies if I'm interrupting you. somebody might have these strengths in certain places, but if they've They don't realize their strengths.
That's certainly true. And you can always interrupt me, and I don't know if I would have got to that. Exactly. So it's a very good point, but it could also be wrong. There could be somebody who thinks that they're rubbish at So it's always worth looking at these things and seeing And then.
Evaluating that, but yes, if you think you're really good at maths, but not at you only value English, that's going to be a problem, same with sports, same self-confidence is about how you feel about yourself in a context, but it People do have a general level of self-confidence as well.
People will say I'm a confident person, or I'm not a confident So let's have a look at that in terms of, that, and self-efficacy, I I'm going to be cooking, a, Curry tonight with three different Cause I think a fourth is likely to creep in and I am confident that that I am confident in that. However, my self efficacy on cooking would not be high enough to go
Ah,
So you can be confident in something but not have And likewise, you could be lacking in confidence on something that Oh, one thing I just want to throw in here. Self-confidence. It's not necessarily linked to being extrovert.
Mm.
which I think is it's a point that needs to be made because You could be a very, very, confident introvert.
Oh I've met some wonderfully confident introverts. So many people I think misuse or they don't understand what An extrovert is somebody that gets their energy fed from external stimulation. I'm an extrovert, a room full of people wakes me up. I can go for days without sleep if there was enough people around My wife is a classic introvert. Absolute classic introvert, a room more than three people in it.
She'll tolerate it because she likes it because she likes people And she's still very confident. . To assume that somebody that But if when you are an introvert and people treat you as if you're shy, You can internalize that story. Can't you?
And I think I did to a degree because I was the little blonde And oh, you're shy because that's what I appear to be. But I'm not really, but yeah. So it's also important that we think about the typical evaluation of That needs to be put to one side as well. But of course there are arrogant people who are seemingly overconfident,
Yeah, absolutely. I've met a couple of underconfident, very loud, powerful, borderline No, they're not, they might hate themselves hate And that needs exploring.
Yeah, we'll get onto that a little bit more when we get onto the signs of low So you've got your self-concept and self-esteem is, am I okay? Of course there are still contextual elements, but okay. So from that I found, a list online, just because it's helpful in this context, go through, a list of six points that demonstrate somebody with low self-esteem Which one shall we look at first?
Let's look at high self-esteem first.
Okay. So the six factors of high self-esteem the first is that someone with high The second is that people with high self-esteem tend to be committed to In working towards such achievement. The third they are genuine are honest. And the reason that they are genuine and honest is because it's safe to be. So which links into
can be themselves.
it links into the first one, that they are able to So it's safe to be honest, the fourth is that they are forgiving and tolerant of The fifth, is that they have, or tend to have an internal locus of evaluation. Would you like to explain what a locus of evaluation is? Richard
Locus is just posh word for a location of something
It's a Latin-word for
Posh Latin. We never use the word locus for anything else. Other than locus of control. By locus of evaluation. What that implies is correct me if I'm wrong here, because That you get your sense of self from certain positions, either Am I right?
Um, yes, I think there's a slight nuanced thing So it's, it's me looking for validation from external sources. And so I'm going to a wedding next weekend. If I had an external locus of evaluation oh and, a little aside, everybody what other people think at least to a degree. If I had a very high one, I would be really bothered about who said, you Oh, your hair's nice. Whatever it is, I would be really bothered.
I'd probably be keeping score, but if I have an internal locus of the mirror as I will, because I've tried on the dress and I can do it up, So I will look at myself in the mirror and I will go that's all right. That's that's. That's okay. Probably a bit more than that. Cause it's a nice dress, but that's me judging myself. And if I get compliments from other people nice. If they say nothing, I won't even notice. So that's, that's a good example. I think a good example.
A lot of people don't realize, that anything you do I want people to like me. I want people to compliment me, I fear their judgment. If we say those things enough times it becomes automatic and It becomes feeling. And it's just inside of us unconsciously creating emotions. And we might not realize that we've got that locus of evaluation in We might have to dilute that down with some conscious stuff to soak up and That says I am good enough and that's not easy for people.
To even think those words,
And the final one of the six. Is that people with high self-esteem tend to be positive, So I don't know about you lovely listener, but as I read those through reading It feels good to have those Elements of oneself. So let's look at the ones of low self-esteem, which probably will have The first trait of someone with low self-esteem is they tend to That's not going to feel good. Is it.
The second one is they tend to be anxious, especially in social If the, if you're judging yourself as not good enough, then being The third point is that they tend to feel inferior, that they don't And on this point, people who come over as superior can be using that as a cover for But it is important to say that that's not always the case because some people So if I was to play golf with Tiger Woods, then I would like to think And if he didn't, then that's not congruent. That's not real.
So people can be superior in their fields. I would hope not as a general personhood superior. Over others, but still in some contexts. So the fourth is people with low self-esteem tend to be impatient number five is they have an external locus of evaluation and the sixth point is they only is it not doesn't feel nice, but it reinforces that low self-esteem because So let's have a look at what we can do about these things then shall we.
Should we start with that locus of evaluation one, When we were looking at the positive, I'm going to ask a question, which is sort of rhetorical, I guess there So, if I'm thinking about going to this wedding next weekend, there are people So why would I give them the power to do so?
We see a lot of things on social media, because it's so easy to And because there's a dis-inhibition effect that comes with technology. That means it's really easy to say what's on your mind. Via technology, because there's a barrier, there's a distance So it's easier, which is good in one way, because it means that people But it also means. It's easier to bully, easier to criticize. And anybody that uses Twitter will see the poisonous rat's nest that it can be.
You know, I do try to use Twitter to dilute the world, dilute everything You're fat. You're ugly. All those sorts of things. It happens regularly. The more that somebody is in the public eye, for example. If they've been on the radio or they've got a podcast, or they've Almost like it gives people permission to be cruel. And it's really hard to have your locus of evaluation strongly internal.
If the external world is so easy to bullying and be cruel and to criticize And if it's toxic to you, step away, you deserve better than that. The answer is that we're not cruel to each other, but that's a big ask,
It is a big ask, but I think it is worth remembering that the Are not Trolls. Are not cruel. are not bullies. It's just when you get the numbers that there are on Twitter, et cetera. I mean, I know you've got an awful lot of followers. I'd probably have about three because I don't use it apart
Yeah. I've, I've got 28, 29,000. Something like that, which it sounds like, which is a big number, I guess,
When I said three, I meant three, not 3000. I meant three.
One of them is me
Yes. So in terms of developing better, self-esteem probably, I would say
Yes.
And you can get help for that sounds a little contrary, cause you you move it internal, but ask people that you know, and love and trust to Now, the first one being unhappy, low sense of contentment dissatisfaction with Now, those, those things come from the other stuff. I think one of the things with inferiority, this is a little theory bit. Adler was he Alfred Adler?
Yeah
Who was one of the main psycho therapists of the mid 20th century sort He had a concept called the inferiority complex and his belief And it does make sense because as a child. Well, you are inferior to the adults around you. You can't do the things they can do and bigger siblings as well. You know, if you've got a big brother or big sister and they can do things you
But if there's enough experiences to dilute down through the upbringing,
He says that everybody starts with it, but it's then what you do with it, not And that has a tendency to lead to lower self-esteem and the imposter I remember one time. it's a long time ago now, but, Steve Wright in the afternoon was
Yes.
I think that they forgot, but they were talking on air because And I was just listening to this thinking, well, if they do,
I think,
just sort of blows it out of the water.
Steve Wright says something along the lines of Hello, Steve. If you're listening, he might well, listen, I think he said
Hello Janet if you are too.
Oh, hello Janet. Yes. May well be listening. I think he said something like, are you like me just wondering
Yeah.
And when I heard that story, the first cause it would have been
Yeah.
evidence that people can be successful and still have that experience.
I've heard it a lot from successful clients a lot
story.
Yeah, it's one of the things that people don't tend to say in
I hope so.
but it's the sort of thing that successful people will tell
One thing that jumped out at me was, and I'll look it up here because. The UN declaration of human rights is what I'm thinking of and how it starts. Article one, here it is. All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. That's how the UN declaration of human rights starts. All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. There aren't any exceptions to that. No matter where you are. No matter what you've done, you are equal to everybody else.
And just as deserving of dignity and rights, doesn't matter what you've done. Doesn't matter what you're spilt or dropped or smashed or whatever went You deserve forgiveness for anything and everything, no matter how big or small.
There's a phrase that I often use with clients who have The phrase is "You are just as important and just as special as anyone else"
Yeah.
The reason it's better in hypnosis, you know, this Richard, but And not put up a defense and not say, oh yeah. Oh, well, of course that's obvious and defend against it. In hypnosis it can get through and not be defended against.
Yeah.
But it's true. You, whoever that is are, just as important. And just as special as anyone else, whatever anybody has ever said to you. You are.
And I wonder how many people who are listening and because up they're, not in hypnosis, they're being really conscious when they hear There's a voice in the head that says no, I'm not everybody else's but I'm not no. Cause cause I'm rubbish. And that needs to be challenged. That needs to be diluted down. But it starts with accepting that that's the way a part of you thinks I get it, but I'm ready to move on from that ideology now.
And part of that is accepting that you're not perfect. Whoever you are. You're not perfect if you were perfect, you wouldn't be perfect You don't want that?
Quite intimidating isn't it
It is. But it would be. Yeah, no. So being perfect. Isn't perfect. So perhaps you're just imperfectly perfect or perfectly imperfect.
Even Mary Poppins was only practically perfect. Ooh, gonna like that one. I'm going to keep that one. You can have that one for free folks. So how do we dilute this down? How do people raise their self-esteem? What can they do? What can they say?
I would actually suggest, well, obviously we
See therapist, yeah.
But apart from that, as I said, talk to your friends and family, I'm going to decide for myself. At some point we need to do, an episode on forgiveness of self. As well as forgiveness of others that will come into it. But also I would suggest writing things down, just get yourself a nice And then you can look at the words that come.
And if there's far too many comparatively negative words to positive words, And maybe I'm not the negative ones, but also see most concepts So good to bad, just as a simple one. And there's loads of others on all sorts of criteria for judging oneself. I.e building self-esteem move along it.
Hmm.
Just move.
We can do that. Like you say, when somebody is doing that writing, whether it's to an email, to a So it's completely private and you say, I am, and then you start writing I I've got to accept that that's the opinion I have about myself. We need to counterbalance that with something else. And there are three little statements that could work on the, not that little And I first stumbled across them through it was, um, a woman who have She's probably she's quite well known actually.
So you might not have
fact she's only got one L. She's lovely.
Yes, despite the fact She's still lovely. And when she was going through some of her self esteem boosting I think I even put it in my book, 15 Minutes to Happiness available in all She had to talk to herself to improve that self-talk. And it started by saying I'm proud that you and then fill in No matter how small, I'm proud that you managed to get out of bed Try and start there and then I forgive you for. I forgive you for.
You might have to say your name, Richard, I forgive you for whatever, letting your I forgive you for. And you talk about it to yourself and you can write this down. And then I think the important one is then I commit to you that. And then you write the things that you're going to commit to yourself. I commit to you that.
And you write about or talk about in the mirror, all the things Commitment to change commitment to do that one thing or those two things or whatever when you do that on a regular basis, it will dilute down all those times inferior, whatever it is, but it does take repetition and it does take a lot of It might be quite tearful. It might be quite emotional to explore all those things. It's better with a therapist really, really is to explore all those things, We can be our own therapist.
Certainly we can be our own friend. Maybe it starts there. Treat yourself in the same way that you would treat others. What Jesus said supposedly on the, with his sermon on the mount to do What we need to do with the way around don't we as well. Do unto ourselves as we would do unto others have that same level of respect and Here, that's my soap box. We're going to have to come back to this topic at some point. Cause it's huge.
And I expect there's going to be other questions that are of a similar ilk and
And it does underlie so much
Everything. Yeah, it really does. I think a lot of people's issues do start with boosting their It really, really does. Well, I think that's a good note to bring things to a close for today in the previous two endings, I think it was two of the episodes that we did, We also need to be excellent to ourselves too. So that's again, your homework go and be excellent to each other,
Lovely.
Have a nice week. folks
See you next time.
Bye bye