Hello, Hello, is this the gag?
Yes, sir? Who is this?
This is Patrick?
Patrick? Patrick? You wait where? I heard a little beep in the background. What was that?
Oh?
You're getting out of your car.
I just got in the car.
Okay, are you about to start driving the car somewhere?
I'm not going to be the one driving.
Okay, Well, who are you in the car with?
I'm in the car with my six months old and her mother?
Oh what? Okay? Wait, okay, so you just all right? You texted me and you said I'm texting you because I want to talk to you about how I fucked up my relationship with my daughter's mother so bad that it genuinely made me rethink my whole life. And you want to talk to me about this while she's driving a car.
See you. I'm totally down for it.
Okay, all right, go ahead. What happened? How did you fuck up this relationship?
So this relationship has been going has been going on for seven or eight years now, but it was kind of rocky all the way from the start from my own doing. So, I got out of a maybe a four year relationship that was basically my whole high school time, and then m maybe less than a month after that, I met step uh step me, my baby's mother, and so we started talking.
We dated.
I wasn't over my my high school girlfriend.
Girl.
I wasn't over my high school girlfriend yet. And one thing led to another. I hit up my old ex and then new baby, new new girlfriend found out about it. So that just strained the whole relationship. And then after that, instead of us just completely breaking it off from each other, we just kind of.
Rolled with it.
I guess you could say you kept dating. Yeah, yeah, we kept dating.
And this was this was several years ago.
Yeah, so this that was twenty eighteen. And so then we dated, like I guess you could say, exclusively for about four years, and then we broke up and then we were kind of just like on and off since then.
Okay, And then when did you have this child together?
That was about six months ago last November.
Okay, which she was born. So you were on enough to do that.
Yeah, it was actually a weird situation, but yeah, it was. It was one of those on one of those on times.
And are you happy with that?
Like?
Was it was? It? It was this like a choice or did this like just happen?
Uh?
So it kind of just happened like it was. There was definitely no plan of it, but we both kind of decided that we didn't really want to go through with an abortion.
Oh so okay, so it was it was an unplanned baby. Yeah, yeah, okay, okay. So but you guys, it sounds like you're co parenting pretty well considering she's in the car with you right now.
Yeah, we're pretty cordial when it comes to our daughter because she really has nothing to do with our problems that we have between each other, you know, So we were pretty cordial for her. But if it's just us too, it's like back and forth. Some days were good, some days we're.
Very very bad.
How and how are you today as you're talking about this on the phone while she's in the room.
Uh, Well, like my tech said, I've been thinking about myself and my actions and everything about me a lot lately. So I've come to a conclusion that I'm not living the way I want to or should be. She's got an idea of the way she wants me to be, which I don't really I wouldn't say I don't agree with, but there's just a different way I don't want to live.
For myself.
Okay, let's talk about this. Let's talk about this. What what way does she want you to be?
Let's seem to put it shortly, she would stay more attentative to our relationship. Mm hmm. She says more respectful to her, to be more respectable to her in our relationship.
Is she? Dude? Is she?
Is she feeding you these lines?
Does she?
She? She sent me that last one?
Okay, Okay, Okay. She wants you to be more respectful to her and she wants to be more attentive to her. Okay, to keep going? Is that it?
Honestly, porn and sex has been a bit a big problem and I really like throughout the.
Years, Okay, so when okay, so when relationship?
Okay, all right, but we'll talk about that. But why do you Okay, So she she wants you to be more attentive to your relationship and more respectful to her. Why does that not jive with how you want to live?
I know, maybe that part doesn't drive Maybe maybe that's not the part that I'm talking about, but it's uh, I don't know. Just as throughout the seven years, like the stuff we've been through and whatnot, we've both lost respect for each other. So so for me to to start respecting her in that way, it the way she wants me to, I don't. I don't think I could do it.
This is crazy, I you know what. Okay, Okay, I've.
Been waiting to talk to you, dude.
Okay, so let's let's let's let me hear this. I have a pretty good idea. It sounds of how she gradually How did she in your How do you believe that she lost respect for you over the years, just like porn and ship?
Uh, porn ship.
During those on and off periods the people I would talk to, but I don't think that's really her business in the off periods but mostly.
Uh, she just said she just said something. What does she just say?
What did you say?
She says I would bring them into the relationship during I'm guessing during on periods.
Wow.
I want to talk to her so badly, but she's dry. Well, well, we'll get to it, we'll get through it.
Okay, do you want it now?
I want to. I still have more information I want to get out of you first. She so, okay, So yeah, in what way? How does she lose respect for you? The like to put the masturbation important stuff.
Yeah, that's like the base of it, I would say, because she feels so okay, let me. I I feel just as I know I feel with porn and masturbation that that is totally separate from your real sex life, and I don't think it shapes how you feel about your partner. That's that's my base and I'm standing on it.
Here's listen, listen, listen, listen. I agree with that as a baseline until those things stop being true. So the question becomes like, I don't think that porn and masturbation are inherently bad for your real sex life until they become that right, So like, what do you were you like not having sex with her or appreciating her.
Or dude, we had sex all the time and it was I thought it was great sex at least, but for her, she with the whole X thing with her, I think she believes that I go to porn because I don't like her, like I don't enjoy her. But it's totally not true.
What did she.
What did you think?
She said? She brought up other people that were that have been problems in our relationship during the four year on time the beginning. Okay, like the the X basically the X.
Okay, okay, let's look more at what you said in this text here. You said I fucked up the relationship with her. Okay, so you're let me talk to her? Actually? Is that okay? Is she down?
Yep?
Do you want to talk to him? Everybody's nervous to talk to him. Do you mind if I put it on the speaker?
We can try. Sometimes it sounds shitty, but you know, we can try.
All right.
Let me let's try here.
Hello, Hello, Hey, what's your name?
Stephanie?
Stephanie? How's it going to Stephanie? Wait, Stephanie, do you know who? Do you know who I am? Or what the context of any of this is?
Yes, we want to see a show in San Diego?
Oh you but what you both went to see my show in San Diego?
Yah?
Dude? What dude? Why don't you guys just why the okay?
What?
Okay? All right, let me Stephanie. Why have you lost respect for I forget? I'm gonna call him John three? Is fucking Patrick Patrick? Why have you lost respect for Patrick?
Because? Uh, you never respect you since the beginning. It was always lie after lying, so like in the way that he, I guess cuts himself out there. He just doesn't care about his image, and oh, I just think it's disrespectful on his end.
What do you mean by he doesn't care about his image?
Like, mmm, i'd was gonna want me to talk about this go for like during my pregnancy, he was still, you know, doing stuff behind me back, liking stuff. He's not supposed to talking to girls.
He's not supposed to well, like he was cheating on you while you were pregnant.
Yes, okay, maybe we.
Ship was undefined because we were never really together whenn't the baby was conceived. But since the baby was conceived, then we decided we weren't going to get an abortion. I moved in with her.
We try to make it work, and he would try to well, he would say he would try to make it work, but then I would find out things and it was just like a fantasy to me.
Were you were? You? Were you?
So?
Were you both seeing other people?
I wasn't. I'm not sure he was. I don't know he did he them, but it's where I could belie.
Okay, So I mean it sounds like neither of you particularly want to like be romantically engaged with each.
Other, not anymore, not anymore that he still tells me that he still wants anything, wants his family to this day.
So I don't know, but she tells me the same thing. No, I don't.
So you so wait, so Patrick, you you want to stay together.
At this point? Now, I'm I just kind of want to be by myself, to work on myself and do things for myself. Like for the last fifteen years or so, I always kind of held myself back because of the people I was talking to, even though I wasn't doing them right, I kind of still did hold myself back from I think, stuff that I could have been doing or just been doing better for myself. So now I'm just focusing on myself and my daughter.
Okay, what about you? What about you, Stephanie.
I'm my main focus right now is just my daughter, to be honest.
And myself.
Interesting and just making money.
But so you guys are like friends.
Friends I hate each other.
Okay because you both you both went to you both went to see my show.
Yeah yeah, which was actually very fun.
Oh thanks, thanks? Wow? Who watched your daughter while you were at the show?
My mother?
Your mother? Okay, yeah, all, Stephanie, are you are you? Have you tried dating anyone else? Or you're just like on your own ship right now?
Oh my own ship? I don't. I just don't have the motivation really to go out there, especially be in a single mom in this society. I feel like nobody wants that, you know, type of life.
How's your kid doing?
You're doing great, It's wonderful, blessing.
Wow, it sounds like you know what's funny is you you? This is so you two have a fascinating relationship with each other. You're really do you too have a fascinating relationship with other? Because you two clearly have Uh. I don't know if you two would agree, but you too clearly have a deep friendship with each other. Hands out. You clearly have a deep friendship with each other underneath it enough for you to like raise a child together.
But also just a complete lack of Wait. Okay, so Patrick, I'm curious, Okay, So Patrick, all right, So I've gotten the idea of why Stephanie no longer has respect for you? But why do you say you no longer have respect for Stephanie?
I end of the same reason she doesn't have respect for me. She would do sets behind my back. I would do sets behind her back. We would kind of go tit for tot. And then some things I just I found out, like maybe a month ago.
Wait, just made me, Stephanie, is this true? You like you would also like see people behind Patrick's back.
Yeah, because you said the tone of the relationships, it's like, give me gonna do something, I'm gonna do him worse.
Like I said, we would go fit for tat literally, so I and it went on for years, years, and then once we got to the after we like broke up and weren't weren't quote unquote exclusive. We it wasn't as bad like or it didn't it didn't matter as much, you know, but just some of the stuff that I found out, And I'm not sure exactly sure why we let it go on so long. Either we both kind of one of us would break it off and then or and come back, or we would take the other
person back. It just was a revolving circle. And you know what, actually, like maybe two or three months before my daughter was conceived, we had kind of came to an agreement that we were just gonna leave each other alone. And then we never did it again.
Okay, dude, this is like, why don't you don't why don't you two just like, why don't you to just like fucking be in a relationship and then be like because clear I don't. Clearly you two both like want to like fuck other people. Why just be in a relationship but then have it be like, listen, if you want to fuck other people, that's fine, just let me know why you just do like a quasi poly thing.
Like an open relationship kind of deal.
I mean, that's I mean, that's essentially what you guys have been. You guys have essentially been doing an open relationship. But it pisses everybody off because there's no title of it, because that wasn't the title of it.
Yeah, yeah, you know what. Uh someone told us that before too. I think what it is, deep down both of us want something monogamous, but I think we're kind of just too far gone. Yeah, possibly not even kind to just we are too far gone.
Ah, So you don't respect each other, do either? Do either of you? Do you believe that you two could respect each other again once more?
Again No, not not in a romantic way. Like she's a cool person, and like you said, we do have a decent friendship, and I would like to keep it that way for our daughter. But yeah, like we said, we're focusing on ourselves.
Okay, respect. Actually, you know what, I'm coming around to this. I actually am coming I am actually coming around to the idea that you two should not be together. Well I'm but but I am wondering what happens when, like if one of you gets like a boyfriend or a girlfriend like you guys, are you gonna be jealous?
Uh? I? Right now I probably would be for sure. But sometime down the road, as long as they're fine with my with my daughter and they're treating her right, M I got no problems, all right.
You're so what what's your what's your name again? Patrick?
Patrick?
Patrick? You're so fucking lucky? Why I really feel like you're so fucking lucky. You're so fucking lucky because you're so fucking lucky because you got to fuck up a lot and it's kind of fine. You have to fuck up, dude, you know, you got to fuck up a ton, and it's kind of totally fine because you have because you're
because dude, like you how many fucking guys? Because dude, you know how many fucking guys there are who like they fucked up and like their wife or girl, the mother of their children cannot be in the same room with them, let alone be in the same room with them on speakerphone with the gecko talking about it. You know what I mean, Like, dude, dude, you're so dude, Well, I have a changed my dude. You're so fucking lucky right now, do you. How many guys have like you?
Many guys have like like they cheat on their girlfriend or whatever and now they're like in court battling over custody or they did some like you. You're so like you have. Oh my god, you're so fucking like you got like an infinite check, Like you're your family life is like at a baseline of like a calm existence. Like just the fact that your family life is at a baseline of calm existence enough that you can exist in this we can have this conversation right now is
crazy to me. And the fact that you're saying, like I wanna I'm directing this to you because you called and shit, and like the fact that you're saying to me like you texted me in this thing you said today, I'm starting the seventy five days of working out, no porn, no alcohol, no weed, nothing but locking in on bettering myself, like like like, please do that, please do like just do that, lock in on yourself. Just try to be
a better person. Like the fact that you have, like the fact that you have the opportunity even to do that and to like be a dad. The fact you're not like in court doing a fucking whole thing, and that you you can go see my show with your your ex girlfriend who is the mother of your daughter or whatever. Like, dude, you're so fucking lucky. Do you understand that, like this is insane.
Yeah, yeah, I've I've seen it go way words for other people.
Yeah, you're so fucking lucky. Run in the dude. I think I think both whatever you got, whatever you guys got going on, is awesome or it's not. I don't know. I haven't decided yet.
But.
Holy shit, thank god, thank god, your daughter's gonna be fine. Thank god. I think I think your daughter is gonna be fine, gonna be your daughter was going to grow up to be a healthy, productive member of society because both because oh my god, this is this is this is wild, this is crazy. Thank God. I mean, you guys could be at each other's throats right now. I don't I don't even know how you're doing. I don't know how you're doing what you're doing. I don't know
how you're doing what you're doing. This is one of the health This is one of the healthiest relationships I think I've.
Even see.
I don't know if I would say that, but you know, honestly, I think how we kind of were letting this happened for so long. I think not only was it a lack of respect for each other that was the problem, but it was also a lack of respect for like ourselves. And that was one thing that I came to, like a conclusion I came to recently, which kind of started this whole seventy five day thing.
Well that's good, man, that's good. Let's good. Your daughter. Where are you guys driving to? By the way, is it a long car ride?
We actually stopped right now. We're about to go get some food.
You guys are like dating. What is this? It's just so funny.
You're like friends, We're hanging out. I had to pick up my daughter and we were both hungry, so I was like, you know.
Whatever, stephan I have a question.
M hm.
So, like this is going to go on the internet and a bunch of people are gonna comment on stuff. Is there? And John's been not I don't know Sebastian Sabastian is doing most of the talking and Patrick what Patrick's sorry, I don't know where I got smush from. Patrick's been doing most of the talking. So just for a second, is there anything that you want to say?
Yeah, I'm just gonna say, if God gives just scientists all sucking with them, man, leave him because he's gonna turn you into you know, having you have his fault, I mean, his kids, and it's gonna be too late. It's gonna be it's gonna be too late to go back. That's all I'm gonna say. Just be careful, take the just look at the race legs and just leave it as it is continuing because you're gonna end up being like in this relationship and yeah, you're gonna or or it could be worse.
All right, man, that's so funny. Well, thank you for thank you for that, Stephanie. John, is there anything you want to say to the people before we go?
Uh?
No, man, I'm just like, super excited and happy that I got to talk to you.
I'm happy I got to talk to you too. I wish we could have It's it's funny that, uh yeah, you guys are you guys are interesting? I think I don't know. I don't know what's gonna happen to you guys, but I'm sure call me back in ten years. I want to see what became of this.
Deal.
Awesome, all right, you guys have a good one, you too, like, well, if there were ever a podcast that I needed the audience to weigh in on, I'm very curious what people think that that was an interesting that was a fascinating relationship. I feel like they're going to get back together, but John, I feel like, but they they I feel like they can get back together, but John has to really like, John has to lock. John has to lock. John has to do such an unbelievable amount of locking in for
them to be able to get back together. He gets to do an amount of locking in that I don't think is humanly possible, but who knows. I'd love to hear in ten years they they figured it out or not or fucking either that or step either that or John locks in, he does whatever. Stephanie gets a new boyfriend. She's happy. Actually that too, that could all that. Also. I was having a John focused theory on this, but my Stephanie focused theory. She gets a new boyfriend. They
lock in together. John locks in, he does his thing. Yeah, maybe they shouldn't be together.
All right?
From Lee?
Yeah?
Hello, Hello, Hey, what's up?
Man?
Oh? Wow? Hi? How you doing? Hey?
I'm doing good. What's your name is?
Lee?
Lee?
I'm blessed to speak to you today.
You share a name with the guy who assassinated John F. Kennedy.
Ooh, I also share a name with Bruce Lee.
Uh not really, I mean that's his last name. Lee's your first name. So you you half Lee share a name with Bruce Lee.
Okay to something.
You sound like you're in a car right now, I might be Where are you on your way to?
In this car, I'm on my way to the gym.
What are you gonna work out today? What part of the body we're doing?
Arms? And bye up and shoulders?
How often do you go to gym? How many days a week?
Three days? Right now?
Okay? What about normally?
Lomally? Yeah?
You said right now? What about normally.
Two days normally, but trying to make three days the standard.
You know, is anything currently motivating you or inspiring you to go to the gym so consistently.
Uh, I'm just tired of like my clothes being so tight, dude, the same. I like being shirtless.
You like being shirtless?
Do you look?
How do you look?
Shirt?
It was currently?
Uh okay, I'm getting there, but I'm okay right now?
MM what made you want to call me?
You know? I I've been trying to call you for a long time. And I used to have like a lot of issues, but that was issues kind of resolved and I'm going to like better say now and so now I'm just I've just been calling to see like if I didn't and I got in like three years later, but you know, with those issues. So I do I do have a question for you?
Yeah?
Please? Yeah, well I have questions for you, but go ahead with your question for me.
Okay. So for me lately, even though I was kind of like in a better space, I still feel very lost. Like my life is kind of more going with the flow then it is structured per se. So I want to ask you, you know, do you ever feel lost? And like, how do you go about that?
Dude? I feel lost every fucking day of my life. Yeah, of course. Okay, Well I'll answer my question in the context of what is what you were doing? So and so tell me what issues you were having and then how they got resolved. I'm very curious.
What's it called? Well, I think for starters, I used to really compare myself to my friends a lot, so, like, you know, right now, I'm twenty seven and all my like close friends are married, they're having kids, you know, they're getting their their their jobs and their respective fields, and I'm kind of just like, no, no, no no partner, no no child, no no career. I just got a
new job. But it's not like in what I went to school for, so I you know, just stuff like that, and I wouldn't say I don't even know, like I'm just I'm just doing my best, you know, so compare myself to others.
Yeah, so how do you feel, Like, how do you feel like that issue resolved itself for you?
I think I've just been kind of thinking of, like, you know, what's it called really really thinking, Like, you know, I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. So I'm thinking I'll just remind myself, you know, like I have these feelings now, but it's because you know, maybe I'm not I'm not applying myself where I need to be, and I'm not taking certain things more seriously.
You know.
My physical health was one thing, so I think that's like been helping me, you know, going to the gym and losing some weight. But what's it called for my mental health? You know, I just try and take care of it. But it's just in the one where's it. We're just just going with emotions, I guess, m hm.
And how's your like health now?
All right?
Like in the I guess in all of the things that you were comparing yourself to other people with, like, uh, how are they now? Like do you feel like you're do you feel better about your your life?
Twitter? For the most part. You know, I would love to have a partner, that's for sure, but uh, you know, I'm I think I'm okay with not adding one for now, just because you know, everything's a little too expensive, so I feel like I wouldn't be able to provide as much as I want to. And yeah, a little bit.
So I but you're getting ripped.
Doing my best there?
How do you so? Do you feel you sound? I mean, you go to the gym three times a week. You sound like a physically attractive guy.
Thank you?
Do you? I would? Are you putting yourself out there? Are you on the app? So you running around? What are you doing?
I mean, I'm on the apps? But the apps are pretty trash. I won't lie to you.
What's trash about them? I mean, I know I know why they're they're they're trap. But you sound I don't know. It depends on who you are. You sound like I'm picturing you as the kind of guy that does well on the apps. There's a kind of guy that does well on the apps, and I'm picturing you as that guy. I'm just from your voo. I don't know if you are that guy, but just from talking to you, from what I know about you, you sound like that guy.
I love that. Thank you, Thank you for that. But uh no, I don't get that many swipes. I won't lie to you. I think it's because also, like my profile is just you know, I think I put a decent pictures on it, but I just I don't know, I don't I don't take those apps too seriously because I've gone on a few dates before, but uh, like I kind of got like trauma from one of them, so I just take a I take a I don't take it seriously anymore.
What kind of I mean, if you want to talk about it? What kind of drama?
Oo? I mean, what's it called? To make? It?
Like?
Not that long of a story. I just I met up with this girl. Whoo. At first, I was like, you know, hey, I want a relationship. Is this kind well we haven't talked for two weeks. I was like, hey, I'm kind of like this is where I'm wanting to go with this, like it you know, it's just what you want to do. And she was like, you know, no, not not really, but you're kind of cool, so like can we just be friends? And I was like, okay,
you know that's fine. So she hits me up one day to like be like, hey, you want to hang out. I was like, yeah, sure, FuG it. So we we go we hang out, uh and then you know, afterwards, I was like, oh, you know, this is.
So fun, but I'm gonna go home and she was like okay, and then she kind of like me to move on me, and then we were gonna like have an intercourse in the back of my car.
And then I couldn't. I couldn't, you know, I couldn't stay up. And then uh, and then she she laughed and said why is it so small?
She she laughed at you.
Yeah, dude, Yeah.
Oh my dude, she dude. Listen. First of all, just so you know, I'm I'm picturing you as as uh again, like I'm picturing you as a beautiful man on the other end of this phone. You are a beautiful man on the other end of this phone. I can't she laughed at you, man, damn fuck, damn doubt.
I think it was like an awkward situational laugh.
But you know, she laughed nonetheless, and she said why are you so small?
She's along the lines of that, guess like, why is it so small?
Or damn, damn damn. How did you react? That must have Yeah, that's fucked up.
I just I was just like, uh, you know, I think I'm just gonna go home now, damn. And then you know, I was on the drove, so it was an awkward drive home.
Oh no, you had to drive home?
Yeah, yeah, damn.
But that's good. But you know what, it's she revealed. It's like because you wanted a relationship with her, but she revealed herself in that moment, you know what I mean. So it was almost like a good thing that she like because you could have got imagine you like got deep into a relationship with her or like you started really developing feelings for her in some fucking way, and then she pulled some shit like that on you.
You know, yeah, that would have been brutal for sure. M hm.
Hmm.
We keep it moving forward.
Okay, I listen. I don't think that I don't think every woman on the apps is going to be like, oh, your ship is small, you know, Oh yeah, I think you can find you. I think that there are some ladies out there who are like, whatever you got, right, like, no matter who you were, I mean you know this, right like, no matter who you are, there's someone out there that like, what you got is what they what they're looking for, you know what I'm saying.
Real hmm okay?
Was that part of was that was that that sounds like something that would cause me to go to the start going to the gym three times a week? Was that a catalyst.
Uh, this happened like three years ago.
Three years ago.
Yeah, yeah, after that, I was just like let me, let me I prefer like a long time, I was like, let me not be on these apps, so let me kind of like do my own thing. And it was a thing where I was like, oh, I should really like exercise after that, but I have like I have like pretty bad ADHD and I was like very unhealthy and like under and over stimulated like all the time. So after a while, I've kind of like focused on that and then now like I'm able to put my
attention into certain things a little better. But it was a catalyst, but it took like fucking you know, like two three years, two years to really get the the ball rolling in the sense.
H m hm.
So are you excited about the future now?
I think so?
You know, Oh, what was your sorry?
Sorry? Go ahead, I'm not I should interrupt you. Go ahead.
No, No, I don't even know what I'm sorry about. That feel free.
Well, I was gonna say, Okay, you asked me a question earlier, and I kind of avoided it, but because I wanted to hear what you wanted to say. But now that I've heard what you wanted to say. What was the question you asked me if ever felt lost?
Yeah?
Yeah, I feel lost all the time. Actually, And it's funny because you can, dude, I don't know. I actually feel as the older I get, the less I feel qualified. I mean I was never qualified or or even claimed I was qualified to like or I don't even like whatever to do a podcast like this, Like I you know, it's not even like it's a whatever. I've done this disclaimer a million times, but like, yeah, I don't know where the fuck uh my life goes. I've been I
feel like I've been lost for a while. The older I get, the more lost I feel the more. And it kind of makes sense because at some point you have to declare a major. You have to make you do have to like make decisions and like stick to them and like learn to be comfortable with the ones you did not choose. And that's something I struggle with severely and do believe has caused me strife. I would say it's part of uh feeling lost for sure. So I mean, yeah, I feel I feel lost all the time.
But also, you know what I've been doing lately is this is how this is kind of helping me feel a little bit less lost. And I'm still too I still feel like I'm too anxious to like, uh, really take action upon these feelings. But I'm like, dude, I'm trying to stop like faking it till I make it. Do you know what I'm saying in terms of like I'm trying to stop faking how I feel like I can't predict like if I fucking hate something, I can't
pretend like I don't anymore. It's really hard. Or if I fucking like, like my I feel in my gut so deeply when I fucking hate something, and I feel in my gut so deeply when I fucking love something, and I'm just like, I'm like surrendering to those feelings. Nowadays, I'm not.
I'm not.
I feel like I'm still too maybe cowardly to like live my life in full alignment of those feelings because something feels like there's I like, I get too interested, I get too thinky about everything surrounding those feelings. But like, uh, you know, I feel like I walk around New York and I look around and I'm like, I fucking love
living here, Like I love this shit. I love being like I feel like in deep alignment with that shit, right, And then I've other things in my life trying to think of some shit like like I'm just trying to get some low stakes shit like uh oh, or like I'll be at like a event or like talking to someone or maybe you know what I'm out at, like, uh,
I don't. I don't go to the club. But let's say I'm at the club or some shit, or I'm at a party or something, what is something like that, I'll be like, I fucking hate being here, I fucking hate talking to this person right now, I fucking hate whatever this is, and I'll just leave, like I don't.
I won't kind of fake myself into things anymore, you know, Like I feel alignment in my gut, and I've tried to do this thing of let me I've tried to do this thing of like let me just pretend like I don't and let me just try to enjoy exactly where I am. Like it's the it's the duality of uh wanting to like be comfortable, wanting to like enjoy your life as it is, but also wanting to feel aligned in it. These these are these are things that make me feel very lost. Is this uh choice between
the two. But I'm trying to really listen when my body in my brain are telling me when I love something, I'm gonna hate something. But then you can you can have logic behind, like why you should still do things that you hate. I don't think you get I don't
know if you get out of that. I don't know if that's possible to like have a life where you never ever do anything that you hate and you only do things you love, but then you see people do it, and then you're like and then also also do I think a lot of it is like this, dude, this sounds everythink I'm saying. It sounds so uh like motivational speaker.
Ye.
But I'm starting to get it because I've heard people say this shit before. You know, the shit of like feeling like you deserve they have a life where you that you like like or feeling like you deserve, uh, things like you deserve, like feeling like you deserve to have a good life. Okay, you know, have you ever heard that people talking about that ship?
Yes?
I have heard of that.
What do you think about that?
I feel like you can't really have those thoughts unless like you're you work towards it, you know.
Yeah, Like.
If you're going through life and you're like, man, I should be rich by now, but you haven't done.
It's not. Okay, it's not. It's not like an entitlement thing though. It's not like I don't look at it like it's like a It's kind of this spiritual ish thing of like looking at like because sometimes you can look at yourself and be like uh, because you can be someone that works really hard and still be like I'm a fucking piece of shits, you know. But it's like a spiritual thing of like do I do I
as a human being feel? That's dude, that when people say ship like you're enough, Dude, I'm sorry, I'm going I'm going like I drink a Celsius and I'm going full therapy mode on you right now.
No. I love this. I'm also drinking, well, I'm drinking the Costco variant of Celsius.
What's the Costco variant of Celsius.
It's called Kirkland Signature Sparkling Energy Drink.
WHOA how many grams of the how much caffeine is in it?
Two hundred?
With?
Okay, all right, Okay, sounds like we're on the same sounds like we're on the same wavelength. Here, sounds like we're on the same I got my dude, this is not an advertisement, but I just I'm trying the I love. I'm a big Celsius guy. Although I might switch, I might go by, I might start buying the Kirkland ship because there's no it sounds like it's the same ship. Is it good? What's the flavor?
I'm drinking tropical and it's like a pineapple, starfruit, mango kind of thing. Nice. It does have taurine in it, so it kind of has like a like a red Bully taste to it.
Oh okay, yeah, that's the thing I like about. Again, it's not a Celsius ad, but that's what I like about. Celsius doesn't have the tar Oh wait, no, it's wait no, it totally has tarn in it. Wait, it absolutely one hundred percent has taurine in it. Dude, what the fuck? What is taurine? Because yeah, I don't like the red bull I mean, I do like the red bull taste, but it makes it feel like I shouldn't be drinking it. What is taurine Taurine is an abundant, naturally occurring sulfur
containing amino acid found throughout the human body. Google says it's healthy for most adults to take taurine every day. But that's totally not true, right, Wow, it can't be true.
I used to have a friend who told me taurine was made out of bull spirit.
I believe that. I still I would still believe your friend over Google.
That's very real of you.
This the thing of like, like I guess believing because sometimes because like I look around and I'm like, as I get older, I'm I think when I was younger, I used to have this thing of like, uh, I used to believe more that I deserve the good life when I was younger, and then as I've gotten older, I believe it. And again this is something do with like entitlement or like work ethic. It kind of like
it's kind of like a step before that. It's like you you get a little older, and then I'm start having these feelings where I'm like, man, I'm not fucking special, Like I'm just some fucking asshole, Like who am I to want a good life? Or who am I to like feel like I deserve a good life.
You know.
Now, I think that kind of self talk it like I actually I believe that that is bad. I believe it is worth. I believe it is bad. It is self talk that I have, and I believe it is bad. So it's not like an entitlement. So the like the to believe you deserve a good life. I don't think it's like a thing of like, oh I deserve to be rich tomorrow. Oh I deserve this. I deserve that
it comes. Actually, I feel like it comes before the work in some way where you have to go, like you have to rewire your fucking brain to be like, yes, uh, there's you know, the fucking kids dying in the Middle East, and yes, there's a billion other people and you are just some asshole, and yes, uh, you know, I'm infinite,
I'm infinitely small, and you know whatever. But spiritually I have for whatever fucking reason, I am piloting the consciousness of myself that is the one thing in the you, my own fucking lives, the one thing in the fucking universe that I like can control and like am and I am like, yes, some asshole, but I am making
the executive decision that for some power beyond me. I have been put into this body and this brain and this consciousness, and it is my divine duty to like treat myself the best as possible and strive to have a good life. And for that reason, I will find myself to be deserving of having a good life, because I'm the only thing that I can be from like a fucking like divine perspective. Does that make sense? Am I insane? That makes sense?
Right? No? I love that. I really really, I really resonate with what you're saying right now.
Dude, I like, listen, I feel this way because I am on two hundred milligrams of caffeine right now. I want to feel that way every day. I literally I maybe this is I don't know if I'm bipolar, I don't know what. But I literally oscillate between like really feeling what I just said, which feels like a healthy amount of ego to have, and then the other thing.
I feel it all that I feel like I feel like lately I've been feeling more the other thing, which tells me I'm just some fucking asshole and why should I you know, but that that's like ego too, right, isn't that more that's like an unhealthy amount of Like that's not good. That's not good for anyone, right.
I feel like you gotta have a little though, Like I agree.
I agree, I agree, I agree. You have to hate. I I also do believe like you have to, you have to be humbled in some sense because you ever meet someone and they have no they don't hate themselves even a little bit. I can't. I can't. I can't.
Oh yeah, it feels like they're larking at some point.
Yeah, definitely, But you know, I do want to.
You know know, uh, I very much do love your content. And at some points I get a little I get a little envious because of how often you travel mm hmm. And sometimes I'm like damn, you know, because well I don't think I told you, but like I have, like I have a bachelor's in social work because I'm trying to get into social work and whatnot. Yeah, so I'm like, fuck, like he was doing he was doing some ship that like I kind of want to do mhm. But you know,
I ain't. I ain't built like that built like what like the whole like social media thing, Like I kind of suck a a oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I one thing that is inherent in my wiring, like from like I kind of I get it from my dad. Actually is like fucking yeah, like the marketing ship you know, like do it like how to fucking like because yeah, it is. It is kind of a thing and like to today's day and age, I suppose where like if you want to you do have to like learn the the the tricks of social media and marketing and you know, uh funnels and algorithms and shit like that to like enable you to like
do the actual work you want to do. Like yeah, when I was growing up, my dad, like when I was in middle school in high school, my dad like hired me to like help him run his like Facebook account and his like email funnels and his like YouTube shit. So that's how I got into being like, oh, let me like collect people's emails so I can message them when I have a tour, or oh I can I can utilize the attension that I get on one platform
and funnel it into another platform. And yeah, I've I'm lucky that like I that like brain, Like some people, I'm lucky that I kind of grew up like wired for that brain. A little bit, but I totally get it's it's at the like, after a certain point, I
do like that brain that like version of thinking. It can it can lead you to a point where you're like, like there has to be something underneath it that you're like actually doing, because I see people who they get into that brain of like oh how do I like
get views or whatever? But like under like that whole like marketing brain or whatever, it has to be like something that props up like a real thing that you're doing, like fucking you know, like music or if you have like a movie that you made, or like a book you wrote, or like I you know, I guess a podcast or whatever, like something like it has to be propped up by like something that you're actually doing, because if all you have is the marketing thing, it's like what am I even doing right now?
You know? Right?
Sorry, I feel like I keep going on rants.
No, I love that.
Wait, let's talk more about you. Sorry, I'm being a fucking crazy person right now. Now you're cool, okay, all right, tell me more about what you want to do. Let's talk about you. I gotta stop, I gotta, I gotta stop drinking energy drinks before the fucking podcast.
Now you're show I don't even know, bro, because like, well, for social work, right now, I have to go back to it to get my master's. Right, Well, I don't have to do it, but it's better if I do so because there's more opportunities. Right. But like recently, what had happened to me is I had applied so I live in I live in Cali, but I had applied for a probational like job social work position in in Honolulu.
Why you know, oh cool, cool.
Right, it's sick, And so I ended up getting the job. But the thing is like they didn't offer any like relocation assistance, and it would have been like for me, it would have been like eight to ten k out of my pocket to like go out there car yeah, to get in an apartment because like a lot of the places I also reached out to were like, yeah, if you if you want an apartment, you need a you need a pacelet. And I'm like, well, I got a job out there. I'm moving out there for a job.
Can I like, I can show you the official hiring email and then I can get it. I can get you a FASIP later. And they're like, uh, you know, just just reach out to us when you get a pacelip. So I was like, okay, well, you know, my mom had the idea of like, oh, you know, you usould get an hotel for like two weeks, get your pacelip and then moved, you know into apartments. Yeah, it's it's
a good idea. It's also like kind of like a gamble too, because you know that Hawai as fucking expensive as shit, and if I get like my pace slip, there's no guarantee that they're gonna like let me into an apartment, you know. So I didn't. I didn't want to move out there be like ten k plus in debt, and like the job, the job is really cool, but it was also only like twenty five an hour, you know. So I got into my own head and I like
end up backing out for the job. And I was just like, oh, I just I feel like shit because I've been applying to, like I spent all of last year applying to like different case manager positions, different different like behavioral technician, physicians and whatnot, and like I get like a handful of interviews, I'll go through it nothing and then I get the one job that's across the
fucking water. And then I can't go because I don't have like enough money saved and I don't want to like myself and further dead.
Wait question, So it's ten K to relocate, uh, because you have to like how much of that is shipping the car? Like do you need the car there?
Ideally the well the car is like it was like twenty four to twenty four hundred to three k, and they measure it also like by weight.
Okay, so then and this and this job, they're not going to give you like a relocation stipends.
No, like no no airplane comp no, like I would. I'll take like section eight out there, you know, like throw me you throw me in like a tiny ass little apartment, you know, I'll take that. But you know, those no, no no assistance whatsoever, which I feel it's kind of silly for a government job on an island to not have relocation assistance, you know, right, But I think it's also just me coping with having terrible financial habits.
What kind of uh financial habits do you have that are terrible?
I'm just very impulsive and like it's like hard for me to say. I think this is another thing too, Like when when I was I used to be, I used to be egregiously depressed, you know, like I went to therapy and I my my therapists diagnosed me with a major depressive disordering and they put me on antidepressants and whatnot, and so I was just egregiously depressed. I had like no dopamine, you know, from my fucking brain
being silly. I was on the antidepressant, but uh, they told me I shouldn't take caffeine, but I used to drink like soda like all the fucking time, and and uh and coffee and whatnot. So like the anti depressics
didn't do their full job, you know. So like I would just spend money on bullshit to like give myself temporary satisfaction, you know, like a like I fucking micro transactions and Overwatch or or Magic the Gathering Cards or yeah, yeah, totally yeah, but yeah, so I just I just kind of put myself in a hole because then for the longest time, I had a part time job for a city, and like I did like maybe twenty hours of work a week, so I get like, you know, a little
money I had went to bills, and then everything else was just shitty spending.
Wait, sorry, this is a this is a side note. But your gym is very far away.
Oh no, I'm I'm parked in my car like I'm chilling.
Oh okay, okay, I thought I thought I thought your gym was thirty five minutes away from wherever you were.
Oh no, I'm here. Does this sound better?
Oh sure, yeah, it does, sounds way better. Okay, yeah, okay, So are you still doing Are you still uh like addicted to like dopamine loops?
Yes, but it's I want to say, it's getting better, but it's still like a little prevalent, you know.
Yeah, No, do I have the same fuck? I? I yeah, Like no, when you're really fucking depressed, you'll like you're just there's something about like, like yesterday I walked by like a frozen yogurt store, like I'm truly just abandoned frozen yogurt place that nobody ever goes into, and I was like stoked. I was like, oh, I get to be happy for like five seconds. You know That's what it is, right, So I'm like, yeah, brain brain chemistry
dependent thing. But you feel like but at the beginning of this call, you said that you were feeling better about all that shit. Do you feel like do you feel like you are?
I feel like overall, I'm like because part of my like depression back then was like I just I wanted to die, you know, like straight up like or I'm sorry. I don't know if I'm able to say that, but you know, like it was like the worst of the worst of thoughts I used to have, like it would fester and snowball, and like I I draw, you know, I drive to unsafe places and kind of just like watch the waters go, you know. But but uh like
I don't do that anymore, you know. I overall, I've like learned to enjoy life for what it is, and I think, like I'm I want to say, I'm like seventy five percent happy with my life, and then the day of the rest of the percent is like right, it's it's it's getting better. The rest of the percentage is just like fuck, you know, I really need to like I have better money, financial skills and whatnot, and and like properly like I want to cut myself off of spending on myself, you know, but I also I
would really like to not be dropping, you know. Hella money when I don't need to be mm hmmm mm hmm yeah.
What uh? What was the thing you spent the most money on when you were trying to feel something?
Oh?
My god, food? I was a fat fuck?
Oh yeah, dude, dude, listen to this shit. I went to Burger King yesterday. I got a whopper, a medium, fries, and a drink. Guess how much money that was?
Did you use the value menu or not?
No, I use that just regular whopper. Why Wopper's not on the menu.
I'm gonna guess fifteen dollars?
Seventeen dollars?
Fuck?
What happened to our country? Seventeen dollars for a whopper, fries and a drink.
It's agreed, it's it's terrible, and I paid it.
I'm part of the problem. Oh god. I remember holding it and being like and also it was like pathetic looking too, It's like it wasn't even like a It's not even like a five guys burger where it's like, all right, there's some premium missis to this. But what's your name again?
Man?
Lee?
Lee? I enjoyed having this conversation with you late.
I did too. You've given me a lot to think about okay.
Good, good, good?
What? Uh?
What should what should we how should we end this? What should we say? What should we do? What do you think? Uh?
Am I allowed to plug my my amateur photography account.
Sure, man, sick?
Uh what's it called? It's called the Daily Google Photography on Instagram, The Daily what Bugle likes you know, like Spider Man, The Daily Bugle.
Uh, it's it's the Daily the Daily Bugle.
Yes photography.
So you stole it from Spider Man.
Hey, the the tag was open on Instagram, so I took it. I hope. I don't get like copyright strike through? Can I don't even know?
No, I don't. Yeah, they don't know in the.
That way.
It's just the Daily Bugle Photography.
Yep.
And there's no there's no Oh are you Spider Man?
Yeah? That's me?
Okay, cool, all right? So well, you got a picture of a cat? Wait, this is nice. Wait, this is a great photography page. I like this. I'm following. I just followed. You got a picture this, You got a picture of the sun. You get a picture of a flower, you got a picture of a fucking bird the sky. Wait, everyone followed this guy's photography page the Daily Bugle Photography. Wait, look at this one. Paradise Falls.
Oh that's a good trail.
Yeah, scri scroll through your whole page. This is nice. This is a this is like, this is this page kind of looks like, uh, if this should be on the Golden Record that we send out into outer space for the aliens. You know, it's just kind of it's pretty perfect.
That's the that's a Heidi, my mighty, that's a mighty high compliment.
I mean that with I really, I mean that with all of my like, I'm so serious right now, Like it's this is just this is just a guy taken photos of the Earth that he landed on. This is exactly this. You're this I don't know. I'm this is what it feels like to be alive. This is is looking through I'm looking through your page. I'm like, this is it feels like I found something. Any flower is a it's a sunset, a flower, a cat. This is very pure, you know. There's no nothing flashy, nothing crazy.
And even the look at the look at the fucking caption to what's up y'all. This is my average photography page that I will try to post consistently on let me know what you like and don't like about my posts. I let your open the criticism. But you're also you know this is a this is a good is that you know it's a spider man in the This is a great page. I'm a huge fan. I'm gonna comment nice on this picture of the sunset. Wow, it's a picture of the sunset. It says summer is almost upon us.
Hashtag summer, hashtag beach.
Yeah. I had to do the hashtags to try and get like something some more like for spread, you know whatever media stuff.
This is perfect. But everyone, thank you. Check out this guy's photography page. What's your name again?
I'm Lee, Lee Lee.
Is there anything you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?
Uh, go to therapy? Getto live shows. I went to your first one in La.
Oh shit, yeah, what year? What year?
Let me I let me see if I can find the pick the selfie real quick twenty twenty two, May second, twenty twenty two.
Oh shit, okay everything was my first live show. You have the lodge room?
Fuck?
Yeah, damn hell yeah. Nice to finally talk to you.
Yes, I have a selfie with you. I was a little drunk that night.
Funny enough, Lee, thank you very much for calling, and uh, good luck with the rest of your entire life. This was a nice conversation.
Thank I really appreciate that.
You know. I'm gonna I'm gonna do better to be more u instinctual like you liked. I liked what you said earlier about the whole listening to your guys and doing doing what you want to do and not want to do.
Yeah, all right, I'll try to do that too, because everything I just told you about this, it's just it's just it's just it's just behavioral theory. For me, I've been I've been ignoring my gut a lot. But yeah, I'm gonna try to do that too. All right, we'll both we'll make a pact. We'll both try to be better about stuff. Oh, I'll glad we make that pack swag. I'll see you around the universally.
Thank you.
I love you, Love you too, buddy, see you late. Bye bye dude. Once again, please go follow the Daily Bugle Photography on Instagram. Look, he just took a picture of a peloton. Why am I obsessed with? I don't know if this is the the Celsius talking about I'm obsessed with this since he took a picture of a tree, this is a perfect Instagram page. Please go look at this.
Everything get goes to and his rite's teaching you about your life, but he's not really an expert.