Kai, mm hmm, what's up man?
It's been a hell of a two weeks.
Man?
Uh in how how som so?
One day? All right, I went to a funeral, which is a family member, and then I went to sleep after the funeral and woke up to some crazy news that my grandparents were murdered by a kid that they fostered.
Oh my god, yeah, when was this.
September?
Tenth?
OUs? This is like, yeah, they were murdered by a kid that they fostered. Yeah were you were you close with your grandparents?
Very It just feel weird because like now my birthday is this Friday, right, and I can't go to their house because they're not going to be there.
How how have you been processing this over the past month?
Working?
Okay? Has that? Has that helped at all?
Yeah?
It really is smoking.
Into working, smoking and working. What how old was this kid that they were fostering?
His team and he's charged as as an adult for two counts of murder.
Oh wow, have you been? Did you go down to the courthouse and are you going now?
They took him to prison because his sister snitched on him after he murdered my grandparents because she knew what he was going to do because he told her.
So. So his sister knew that he was going to do this, yes, but didn't but told after instead of before.
Yes?
How Uh, this is a loaded question for sure, But I mean, well, well, first of all, you know, listen, I know we're in a public form. Is this just this subject as a whole? I know it's rather fresh. Is it just a thing that you feel comfortable talking about on a thing?
Yeah?
Okay? Cool? I mean how do you how do you feel about this situation as a whole? Like, I know that's a loaded questions, but what's what have you been kind of processing?
Shocked and like angry? Mm hmm I feel robbed, you know what I mean?
Mm hmmmm? Have you spoken to or had any contact with the uh the sister?
No, I texted her because when I find her, I'm gonna be her ass. But yeah, I haven't found her.
You're going you're going to try to find her?
Yeah, when she turns eighteen. She's an I know she's in the foster system right now, but when I find her, I'm kicking her ass.
Mm hmmm. What about your family? How has your family been reacting?
M they cry, but they don't as much as I did because I'm a sensitive person or whatever. But my dad was like, don't cry because they are in a better place and my grandma is not in pain anymore, so I should be happy she's gone instead of in pain.
Mm hmm. Do you have any siblings?
Yeah?
How have your siblings been reacting?
My sister, she was sad like the funeral, of course, but they've been holding up. I'm gonna take my sister because our birthdays are the same. I'm gonna take her to go to the funeral. I'm at the funeral ship. The the graves like to go put some flowers on their graves.
Tell I mean, tell me about the the funeral. What what was the air in the room. How were people feeling was it? Did did it feel healing to be with with people who were in your grandparents' lives? What was kind of the the the vibe there?
It was like a full churchman like, it was packed to the ground. But none of them people really knew who I was, so it was basically like I was holding myself together.
They didn't they didn't know who you were. They didn't know that you were their grandchild.
Yes, m hm.
Did you get to Did you get any kind of new perspectives on your grandparents by talking to other people that knew them?
No, I was there to support, mostly supporting my little sister because she was really really close to my grandma.
Mm hmmm. Have you been in content? Do you do you? Your little sister doesn't live with you, does she? No? Okay? Have you been in a lot of contact with her since this all happens.
Yeah, checking up on her. She really likes art and stuff. I'm trying to buy her some canvases and ship It's nice.
It's nice. I mean your life, let's talk about that. Like you said that you're working a lot, smoking a lot. Yeah, what what what do you do for work?
I'm a I work at a hospital and I'll work idolatry.
Okay. And how has work been for you?
This is straight.
I got over over time basically working so much.
M hm.
Do you have any kind of of of aspirations for the future. Is there a thing? Uh, you know that you that you hope to do with your life someday?
Yeah?
I want to go to college. I should have went when I graduated high school, but I didn't. I waited like two years but I want to go to be ne natal orchtown sonographer.
Nice. Nice. When when are you gonna go to school?
Probably next year, most likely next year?
Mm hmmmm. You know, kay, I want to I feel like I want to tell this to you, and I want to, you know, be sensitive about it because I know it's a sensitive subject. But can we talk for a second about you wanting to beat up this this guy's sister. Yeah, because I you know, I know that you're clearly very angry at the idea that, h you know, a person could have prevented this thing and they didn't, And I know that that that that makes you very angry.
But you know, hearing you just now talking about you know, you want to go to college, and you have this career that you want to pursue, and you have a little sister and family who need you around. I I hope that you don't do anything even if you feel that it's justified, that would jeopardize your ability to do these things that you want to do.
I doubt it would, because I've never been in trouble with the law, and like, I can get my I can get my thing cleared after I get out of jail.
If you know what I mean what you record your your thing cleared my records.
I can get my record your sponge.
How do you do that? Oh?
A long process. I have to my mom.
Well, listen, I don't know you and I can't You're this is an anonymous phone call thing and I don't know. Uh I I just I just again hearing you talk about your little sister who needs you. You're you want to go to school, and I I I understand that you have these these desires for vengeance, but I hope you don't do anything that would get you in trouble with the law, even if you feel it is justified, just because you have so many higher things that you desire to do and you can you can take that
for whatever it is. But I gotta say it to you, well, I.
Appreciate you seeing the gig. I'm gonna take that consideration.
Okay, good, please do I'm sorry. I'm sorry to hear that all this happened. Kaya. I know it sounds like you're still kind of processing it all, is there? Like, is there anything before we go that you feel like we didn't talk about any aspects of this or anything that you want to say before we go.
M.
I can't really put anything to mind at the moment.
Okay, Well, good luck Kaya with the stuff that you want to do with. I'm rooting for you. I'm sorry hear that all this happened, and I talk to you again. That is true, that is very true. I will talk to you soon.
Kaya.
Good luck to you, bo Geic love you. That was interesting, Kaya. I feel like I am in over my head with this podcast, but it is what it is. I am simply talking to random people on the phone about stuff and seeing what happens as a result of that. Kaya had a very calm demeanor to her, and it's interesting. I don't know what her outside demeanor, how reflective it is of anything she's feeling on the inside. And I said it to her. I said it five times, but
I'll say it again. I do hope that that even though she feels as though she she should go out and enact some kind of revenge, that she does not do anything to jeopardize these these higher things like pursuing a career or being around to be there for her little sister. But thank you for calling in, Kaya.
Hello, Hey, hey, hey yourself.
We did that already, we did Hey, two times you're trying to do doing hey, a third time doing a third Hey.
We should just get right into it.
I think so too. What's going on?
Man?
Well, tell me about everything? What did you want to talk about?
So? I got my dogs three years ago?
You know?
Mm hmm.
He's a pretty good talk Yep. He's a Hungarian.
He's a Hungarian?
What a v Schlow?
Okay, he's a Hungarian v Slow.
And he just turned three and yesterday I had his balls cut off.
Okay, all right, you have an You have a Hungarian v Schlow. You took it to get neutered.
Yeah, I feel like it's a bad choice. You know.
Interesting? Why do you feel like it was a bad choice?
It makes me wonder what do what do they do with all the remains? Do they you know, do they donate them? Do they keep them in a jar? What is it with people's infatuation? But like the testicles of.
Animals, I don't know what kind of people you have been hanging around, But I I mean, I guess I don't know. I don't really know. There's only really a few people in my life who I feel like I know very very intimately, like a really finite small, small like two three people tops. So there could be a lot more people out there that I just don't know about that are as you say, infatuated with the testicles of animals. So I'm not going to deny that is true.
But as far as what they do with the testicles of animals after they cut them off, I would think I would hope that they are either thrown away in some sort of biodegradable way, or they are used in some productive way, like maybe you can turn dog balls into hamster lungs somehow, and maybe they do that with them. But I don't know. I actually really know as just as much as you do about what they do with the desticles after they cut them off. What do you think they do?
I know what they do with circumcised foreskins.
What do they do with circumcised for skins?
They put those in facial creams.
In facial creams, Yeah, well, what.
Kind of facial community like the ones that women put on their faces to rejuvenate their skin. Interesting thing, I watched the compelling anti circumcision video on YouTube. It was disguised dissertation about not having the boys circumcised anymore.
So you believe that women's facial products contain the four skins of babies.
It's not a belief, it's it's a fact.
You're telling me. If I google this right now, it'll come up as they'll be like articles about it and ship.
I'm one hundred four percent sure.
Okay, I'm gonna do it.
Take so much what happens with the dogs testicles?
Okay, I'm gonna do it all right. Well, I don't even know what to google for this? Are it there? For skin in? Is their foreskin in face cream? Holy shit? Oh my god, Boston Magazine, The baby foreskin facial is a real thing. If you are listening to this, google is their foreskin in face cream? Okay?
Uh.
Skin Medica is a company that uses foreskin fibroblasts to grow and cultivate new cells.
Yeah, they believe it rejuvenates the skin.
Okay. Here this is from quartz dot com. Several beauty products contain baby foreskin cells, urine or snail extract. Okay, No, this is You're one hundred percent correct here, this is right, this is true. I'm looking this up right now. Yeah, you're you're one hundred percent correct.
It makes me sad, you know, like, what happened to my dog's Well.
Okay, so you think that the dog you think that dog balls are being used for something similar?
I mean, why would it go to waste? At this point, it's already in ladies' facial creams.
Okay, what do you what do you think that they're putting what do you think that they're putting it on? Put put putting it in.
Right menstrual food? I don't know.
Can I ask you this? I don't think I asked this question. What's your name again? Dane? Dane? What do you hope they're doing with them?
You know, right after I picked him up from the vet, you have to look in his eyes like he knew what I had done to him? Now like this look at disappointment. What do I hope? I hope that they don't go to absolute waste? I mean he was using them.
Okay, all right, so you so you hope that they do do something with your dog's balls, like put them in a face cream or a soup, just so that they don't go to waste.
I wish we didn't, you know, fool around with private parks like that. It's all very confusing.
Well, Dane, I mean Dane, Dane, you took your dog to get.
It's like societal pressures. You know, he can't go to dog daycare without with his balls. It's like they require his balls in exchange to attend daycare.
Well, I mean that's the reasonable because if he went and he had dog balls, he would just try to have sex with all the other dogs.
But if all the other dogs are stayed, what's the problem. You know, it's like a two.
Well, if all the other dogs are spade, then it's not fair for him to not be spared.
I called the state a spade. But this isn't fair at all. You know, Like, imagine if you had a misbehaving child. It's not like you would take him to the doctor to have his balls cut off in fifth grade. I mean fifth graders are monsters, but we don't cut their balls off.
I guess that's true.
Hm, I feel like I sailed my dog yesterday. You should make it up dog.
You should get him a treaty or hey, I have an idea. I have an idea, Dane, Dane, listen before we go, I'm gonna throw this side. Okay, Dane, you go to a doctor and you say, listen, Doc, I know what you guys are doing with the baby fore and skins. I know that you're taking the baby fore and skins, taking the baby foreskins, and that they grow cells and that they can make new forms of life. And you say, Doc, I did my dog wrong. I
fucked up. I took away his balls. And you know what I'm gonna do, Doc, I want to give my own balls to the dog. And you have the doctor put you under anesthetic, cut off your balls, and graft them onto your dog.
That's just the advice I was looking for.
Thank you for calling Dan.
Good night love.
I feel like I described a fantasy that he has had for a long time. I'm not going to get into it any further. I have no jurisdiction over what people do in their own minds. I am simply a gecko on the internet. Hello, Hi Dan. It says here that you you work at Arby's and you're stressed out a lot.
I do, in fact work at Arby's.
Yeah, so what's what? What's what's stressing you out about working at Arby's.
I'm not a very sociable person. Honestly. Whenever I first got hired at said Arby's, I was not in charge of any customer interaction, but eventually I worked up the courage to ask my manager like, Hey, can I can I train to take orders, give people their food, smile and wave all that, you know, happy service with a smile, customer service stuff. M yeah, so I've done that. I've been doing that for a while and overall it's it's a pretty good gig. I make not great money, but
I'm comfortable where I'm at. But it's just certain customers can be a little bit over demanding, you know.
Okay, so you had a little bit of social anxiety You're working in the back, and then you were like, I'm gonna face my fears go up to the front.
Definitely, definitely.
Okay, So these customers that are that are rude to you? What give me some examples of some of the interactions you've been having.
Well, for the most part, people here at my local Arby's are very polite, very you know, accepting of any shorthandedness, slow service. You know, we might not have like the meats that you desired, we might not have your favorite uh side order like we have. We have monster rellistics and people love our Monterrellistics. I for one. I think they're okay, they're not the It's monster relsticks, but we've had people get like very angry if we were ever
out of them. But overall, the customers are nice, but there can be people who are just kind of assholes just through and through, Like well, for example, mister Gecko, this one lady came through the drive through. Because nowadays I am in drive through, taking orders, cashing people out, handing their food through the window, trying to get it done as speedy as possible. This lady comes through my speaker and she starts asking like, do you have chopped chicken?
I had no idea what she meant by this, so I asked her like, do you mean our roasted chicken? Do you mean chicken tenders? Do you mean chicken nuggets? But she was very adamant about it being chopped chicken. So I told her, ma'am, I do not have anything called chopped chicken on my menu. Would you like to try anything else that I just offered? And she, in typical you know, Ohio fashion, goes You're fucking ignorant and
just drives off. And I sat there for a minute, just absolutely bewildered at how one human being can be so awful.
Oh yeah, yeah, Well, I mean looks, I mean, listen, you have chicken, right.
Yeah, we have. We had roasted chicken.
But you and you and you guys had you got knives over.
There, right, yeah we have not we have knives.
Okay.
Yeah.
So I mean theoretically you could take some chicken and chop it up and put it in a bowl.
Yeah, yeah, we could. But like at the time, the closest thing to what I was assuming that she was talking about was a roasted chicken, because it's already pre chopped. You know, it's already in like these little morsel bites that you can just pop in your mouth if you really want to.
All right, So I mean so I said, look, so you did have chopped chicken. Yes, all right, So this was all just a big misunderstanding.
Yeah, but that's that's that's the worst part of it. Most of it is misunderstanding. But like, yeah, no matter how polite you try to be to certain customers, it's always, at the end of the day, your fault. Like, yeah, I had this one dude. Who if you get food from inside of the store and you're carrying it out, typically there is no tax except for that rare occasion where there is, because there's like beverage taxes and sugar
taxes and stuff like that. You know. So this guy comes through my drive through and he says he gets his order, and I tell him it's total, and he starts going off on me, like he starts yelling at me about how I'm wrong, and I tell him, like, sir, the sandwich you ordered, Sure, the price is listed differently than what I told you, but that is for a small. Our prices listed are for smalls we have.
Like the You know, look, I think, can I see this is tough because I feel I you know, in all seriousness, I feel your pain.
Man. It's hard to deal with, you know, people who are who are aggravating. It's difficult. But at the end of the day, you just gotta sit back and uh laugh at how funny it is for somebody to get really upset about chopped chicken and these people, these people Dan just I don't and I and I listen. You're you did nothing wrong, and you're upset because everyone is
making you feel like you you did. You didn't do anything wrong, You didn't do anything even remotely wrong, but you're you're you're dealing with this person who lives in a universe where it is justifiable to get upset about
chopped chicken. And what you don't want to do. What you don't want to do is let this person drag you into her universe, because the longer you take that with you, it's like, this person's upset about chopped chicken, and then you're upset that she's upset about chick chop chicken. And then all of a sudden, you're upset about chopped chicken, and without even realizing it, you've been pulled into the
chopped chicken universe. And I just I just want you to, as you deal with all this stuff, be intentional about where you find your anger going and try to steer it away from the chopped chicken universe, because it's not a good place for anyone to be in. Yeah, because you could very easily just laugh off this woman, And I understand for you, how how how it's like, Okay,
I can laugh this off. But if it's just a relentless sea of constant, non stopped chopped chicken people, how it could be easy to get pulled into their universe of anger. But you're You're better than that. Dan, You're You're I I really feel like you are. So if there's a way for you to to be more mindful of where you're letting your anger go and not let it get dragged around and really take hold of it and use it intentionally for places where it matters, I
feel like you would be happier. But also, you know, I don't want to be dismissive of you and how you feel, so I mean, tell me what you think of all that.
At the end of the day, I feel more or less the same way you do, geckos Or, because I did end up laughing at just the sheer absurdity of this woman who is claims to have been able to order her chopped chicken. But I also feel like there's not enough people in this world that are genuinely polite and understanding towards fast food workers, because it's a job that many people view as like many many layers beneath them. So it's just like in their minds, fast food workers are not people.
Can I ask you a question and you would know this and I from experience, are most people the majority of people that come through decently pleasant, Yes, Okay, good, good, But it's just every now and then, and please don't let me put words in your mouth, stop me if I'm wrong. It is. It just kind of a every once in a while you will encounter a chops chicken person.
Absolutely absolutely, Okay, okay, okay, And I'm just saying, if that is true, and do you tell police, Tell me if it's not, if you've had a different experience, but if that's true, for just for.
Your own sake, not because they deserve it or whatever, but just for your own sake, don't let people drag you into the universe where we get upset about chops chicken, just for just for your own sake. This is just you doing what you can within your power, because you can't control other people being pissed off of you and other people being upset, but you can control whether or not you allow them to rattle you. And I hope you take pride in not letting that rattle you, because
it's a skill. A lot of people can be very easily dragged into the universe of this fucking person said this fucking thing to me, and that fucking fuck them, and then they're like that just overpowers their thoughts and then all of a sudden, this this person has power over you because of that, and you you just got to let that go for no reason other than it'll make you feel better while you're doing your job.
Yeah?
Yeah, does that resonate with you? I want to be respectful of how you're feeling in this, and I'm not trying to tell you that you are you know whatever, the justification of your feelings, but just is this okay good? Does this feel? Does this resonate with.
You a little bit? Yeah? I'm not particularly confrontal person in all In all honesty, I hate confrontation in almost any form. Sure, I told I told a story to your assistant. You can ask him if you would like further details. But like after after that, my entire body just started feeling like numb, like I needed to take take a take a nice like ice bath to just like calm. Every nerve, every muscle in my body just was begging for like we need to shut down. Something
horrible just happened. It can't it can't get any worse than this. But like in my mind I know that that's like it's not stupid, Like you should be able to express your emotions freely, but like I I, I am what a lot of people would consider a dormat in most situations, but those very very rare occasions where I do stand up for myself, I just feel absolutely horrible for the person that I just accosted. And I
know I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't, but it's just like I do not like being a rude person.
You don't have you don't have to be a rude what's your dan, dan? You don't have to be a rude person, and you don't have to take your vengeance in the form of blowing up at people or accosting them. You just have to. I just want you to like take some like some form of intentional control over what
you are going to choose to be upset about. Yeah, yeah, for just again, for no reason other than your own say so, like you know this, So a person comes to you and as an asshole to you, and you're like, fuck, I cannot believe that this person was so rude to me, And you're like, you're it's you know, it's fucking an hour later, two hours later, three hours later, and you're still in your head going like I can't believe that person fucking said that to me. I should have said
this back to them. I should have said this that at that point, when it's three hours past. Just take an objective, Just take an objective look at the situation, and go listen. From my own benefit, I need to
go I can't. You just need to step back and be like, I can't let this stew in my brain because it's unproductive at this point, and it's distracting me from any number of more productive thoughts and feelings I could be having and optimize, optimize your emotions for yourself, not in some way that you're going to, you know, yell back at them to restore some kind of a fake balance in the universe that will never get restored.
But you know, however, you can react in such a way that that optimizes your own personal peace, and that does not necessarily have to be you accosting people, you, you know, whatever. It is, just I would just think in those terms. Does that make sense?
Yeah? Yeah, I feel now that I've now that I've shared this and so honestly more publicly than I ever have, I feel I feel a lot better.
Good good, good, Dan. Is there anything else you want to say to the people, the computer, or to me, or that you feel like you didn't get out, or and just anything at all.
Before we go, I just want to leave one quick message and give a shout out to one of my friends. The message that I'd like to leave you all with today is don't don't don't be assholes. Just be kind to one another. Try to find your own happiness. Don't don't be the chopped chicken lady of your social circles. Be be be a good person, be good people. And I'd like to give a shout out.
Oh yes, you have a shout out, Please shout out. I'll stop talking and give you a shout out.
You find mister Getka. I would like to give a shout out to James, somebody that's been a good friend, a good shoulder, a good bro for many years. Many years. I've helped him and he's helped me. Honestly, I feel like more than he knows. Yeah, thank you all, thank you, thank you, Dan.
I'll see you soon, all.
Right, thank you, mister Rico by twitch.
I don't know why I said i'll see you soon. I don't know if that meant that I'm going to RBS soon or if I just said that because that's one of the things that people tend to say at the end of conversations and I needed to find one of those phrases, and then that's the one I found.
But anyway, you know, listen, I tried to navigate that mindfully because I look, I'm I'm playing Devil's Advocate to myself all the time of like, you know, people should be able to feel their feelings and stuff, and I totally agree with that, but I just am like, at a certain point, you know, you gotta optimize for what's the most productive way for me to feel about this situation and go about this situation just for my own peace.
And sometimes it's not to blow up and chew the other person out or to be as mad as you possibly can about chopped chicken lady. And here's another thing. Chopped chicken Lady is inevitable. She's inevitable. She's people being dis or being rude to you is just an inevitable. It's like, it's this inevitability of the universe. It's a constant and you can't take it personally, and you just gotta go, look, fuck, I heard this thing. I'm gonna I'm gonna shout out. I'm gonna shout out this guy
I like on the internet who says stuff. His name is Ryan Holliday. He talks a lot about stoic for He said this thing that I've been thinking about a lot. He said, pay the taxes of life gladly. And I liked that. And I feel like dealing with this rude people is like a tax of life. It's an inevitable thing, and so when it comes upon you, just be like, look ninety percent. And I asked Dan about this because I wanted him to clarify because I have not worked fast food and he has, and so I wanted it
from his mouth. And he said that ninety percent of people that come to him. He didn't say ninety percent, but he said a majority. I don't know why I'm making up numbers, but anyway, he said a majority of people are cool, and it's like the few that are assholes. And just to accept that a few people are assholes when they come to you, and that it's a constant and to nataga personally will make you feel better. And if it makes you feel better, then I think that's
the way you should think about it. I am a Gecko on the computer saying words to people. Let's take another call. Hello, Hello, Hi, Hi, how are you? Yeah? Who am I? Who am I speaking with? Who am I speaking with?
I asked to be anonymous.
Okay, so I'm gonna call you. I'm gonna call you, Uh, Leanne, I'm gonna call you. Lead's too much, I'm gonna call you. Give me a name, you pick, you pick your name.
Oh, let's go with like Ava.
That's cool, right, Ava? Okay? I like that. I was trying to think of something short. I feel like Leanne has too many syllo Okay, Ava, Hello, what's going on with you? What's what's up? Ava?
Is?
How are you doing this evening?
I'm good. I just went to class today and did some homework and I saw you were on Twitch and I called like right away, Yeah here I am.
Now is there a thing in particular that you wanted to call in to talk about?
I just turned twenty one, not that long ago, and I've kind of like always been into drinking, like kind of since I was like eighteen or nineteen, and it was kind of like more of a problem more so during COVID, I would say, but I got better with it. And then once I turned twenty one, I feel like I fell into like a bad, like dark twisted spiral of like drinking and like going out every weekend. And I think it's like I'm just starting to make worse
and worse decisions every weekend. And I started to like dabble with drugs and I don't like doing drugs like it's only thing, and it started to scare me because that's not me. So I like, I just wake up in random guy's beds every weekend and I wake up on Sunday and I just I feel like a piece of shit and I don't know, like I regret all my decisions, Like I know, like on one hand, it's like I know I'm twenty one and I'm just having fun.
But then on the other hand, I feel like I'm like letting myself down and like my family down, and I just go through this basically same cycle every single weekend and like every Sunday when I wake up and I don't know, I just feel like I feel like I'm kind of disappointing like my parents and like my brother in a way, like my brother drinks, but like he gives me a lot of shit for it, but it wouldn't be a problem. But it's starting to become
something I look forward to every weekend. Yeah, so it's starting to really bug me and make me feel like a terrible person kind of.
Okay, so, uh, the drinking and the partying and everything has been going on since you were a teen.
Yeah, yeah, I mean I didn't really so much. Like it wasn't like a ton of partying. It was like, especially with COVID, I would just kind of like drink with my friend, like at home because okay, we don't have to go to we didn't have to go to school anymore.
And you and you're noticing that that since you were doing it when you were eighteen, it is it has gotten progressively more intense as you've gotten older and as you've turned twenty one. Yeah, especially, how how often are you going out and partying and drinking?
It's like every Friday and Saturday night.
Okay, every Friday and Saturday night. And you you say, it's not you, that's what you said.
What do you mean not me?
Isn't that what you said? You said? Yeah, you said it's not like you, or or something to the to the tune of it's not how you want to be.
Well, it's like I have a like I have a good time doing it. I think it's because I have so much anxiety. Like once I have a few drinks in me, like I just you know, I think everybody
can relate. Like I feel good and like I feel better, but like I wake up the next morning and I just like like reflect on myself and I'm just like, like the decisions I made, like how much I drink, the things like texted people and like that, not you, And I just like I feel like it's not like the me I resonate with one hund and I just feel like shit. And then to like make myself feel better, I'll just like drink again not think about it, but then I'll feel the same way the next day.
So you're hearing it. So I mean I asked you that because you're talking about this like cognitive dissonance between who you desire to be, who you feel like you are, and then who you feel like you are when you're out drinking and texting people things that you you feel like you shouldn't be texting them. Would tell me more about this more ideal version of yourself that you have in mind.
I feel like I feel like the most ideal version of myself was me like five months ago. Like I went through a period of me like consistently going to therapy, like I was going to the gym, I was going to church and like eating right like I lost this kind of weight, Like I was doing great, and then I fell off when I got sick, like I got COVID. So then you know, like I wasn't really eating or couldn't go to the gym for a while, and instead of like just getting right back on it, I just
fell off. So I started kind of like slowly getting into those like drinking habits again and just like eating like shit and not being my best self. So like I know like what my best self looks like and what I need to do to get there. But it's like, since I'm in this phase of like going out and just having fun and being able to go out and do that, like I don't want to stop. But like, so, like you said, the ideal version, Sorry.
So you I mean you told me you were going to therapy for a little bit.
Oh yeah, I had a Really here's the thing. I have a wonderful therapist. I've seen her for like a year, but she got into legal trouble, so I haven't been able to see her for a few months.
Oh geez, well, I mean I mean that aside when you were going to therapy, What did you discuss these kinds of issues with your therapist? And if you did, what do they tell you about it?
Yeah?
I did, And like I don't know if anybody else, like anybody that's listening has gone like like your surface will kind of tell you things without like they'll try to like tell you the right things, but they want you to like figure it out on your own, so like they're not gonna like she wouldn't like sit there and tell me like, hey, here's what you should do.
Well, well give me okay. So she's telling you things to help you try to figure it out on your own. Tell us what what those things are shed.
She'd kind of. I think I like do it as a way to just like like escape my anxiety and like get attention, especially from guys and stuff. And you know, it's it's of course easier to do that after you've had a few drinks in you. So I feel like I use it kind of as almost like Okay.
So you're you're seeing you're seeing it as a way to escape anxiety and get attention. Yeah, so what what do you this anxiety that you're escaping? What do you what do you think you're anxious about?
It's like like from therapy, Like I know, it's like anxiety from like my family and schools aig stressor right now? Yeah, and like money and stuff And even though I don't have money, like I just continue to go out and get drinks from guys and.
Stuff like just because listen, you know, I'm I'm I'm obviously not a real therapist, but I do feel like you know, you you talking about these things in therapy and exploring the kind of underlying reasons as to why you do things could key you in is to like, Okay, well, if I'm anxious or if I want attention, first of all, why am I anxious? Why am I Why do I want attention? And then second of all, are there healthier ways to deal with that anxiety and that need for
attention then you know, to to get twisted? M hmm, And I don't I don't know. I feel like that's the kind of thing that that they tell you about this stuff. So I mean, if we can get into it. What other ways do you feel like you could deal with your anxiety?
Like, honestly, I know as cliches, it sounds like when I was going to the gym and like taking care of myself and like what I ate, Like I was so like mentally I felt like the best that I had in a really long time, and going to therapy
consistently really helped. But like I was so comfortable with her and like she knew everything about me, so like trying to find another one and like convey all my like issues in my life and every it's a whole thing, you know, And it's more money, which I don't have right now because I'm in college, and it's just like so it's like I know the steps to get there. It's just a matter of like taking those steps.
What about what about the attention thing?
Why?
Why do you feel like you're your clamoring for attention from people?
Probably gotty issues. I've talked about that in therapy too, and it's like I realize it, but it's like I don't know what to do.
To fix it. What what is your therapist tell you about about those issues?
She's so kind of shell like explain it like she'll like, when I make these decisions, she'll tell me, she's like, well, like, so this is why you're doing this, most likely because as you were like raised, your dad acted this way blah blah blah. Huh, and but I don't know how to really like like she'll tell me why, but it's like I don't.
But it's like I don't know what to do with this information.
Yeah, it's like I'm hearing you, but it's like what do I what do I do to get that validation and that like by not acting like I look not.
To not to play therapist, although I guess that's what I'm always doing all the time. But this like need for attention, does it come from any any kind of like a low self esteem?
M I don't. It might, but it's like and this might sound like self centered, but like I don't have a problem like getting attention from guys like if I want it. So it's like I don't know why I go out of my way to like get more and more.
I mean, do you feel like you're do you feel like you're addicted to the validation?
Yes?
Uh yeah, it make sure yeah, yeah, I mean you know that's a common thing for a lot of people getting addicted to kind of outside validation in my personal life. You know, I've I've had plenty of eras where I've been addicted to you know, validation, and it's I found it gets better when you try to form some kind of your best off your best defense against that is to build some kind of internal structure of self validation.
It's something I feel like we've talked about on here a lot, and something that I'm always, always, always, always thinking about just in real life and ship. I I don't I don't have a I don't have a set in stone road map on how to do that, but I know that if, if, if that's one of the big issues you're struggling with, then you you kind of would would would likely benefit from walking down the road
of at least attempting to do that. Because if if you don't have any kind of internal validation or or sense of self or understanding of yourself as a certain kind of person that you can be proud of, then you're just gonna get fucking jostled around by the chaotic winds of other people's opinions and validations. Which is is uh,
you know, a a hard way to live. Yeah, sure, so I guess I guess those two things, the building of the internal confidence and then fuck, what was the other thing we talked about that was for the attention thing? And then there was the anxiety thing? What do we say about the anxiety thing? I forgot?
I forgot too.
Okay, hold on, we're going I'm gonna remember it. Oh well, good thing we recorded this? Okay, with anxiety your therapist? Oh yeah, ways to deal with anxiety? Oh yeah, okay, it was you. Was you talking about going to the gym and fucking eating stuff? I mean that's how I look. I I do a lot of things to deal with my anxiety that are unhealthy. I don't I'm gonna be a hypocrite here. I'm eating candy, I don't go to the gym. I'm fucking That's how I deal with my
anxiety is through unhealthy COPD mechanisms. But yeah, I think we both know that the cliche but correct answer to our issues is to, you know, do all the shit that every single person has been raving about forever, which is to eat healthy and exercise. But hey, let me know if that works for you, because maybe I'll do it. Myself.
Yeah, I need to get back on it, and I just need to not give myself such a hard time for I guess, like living my life, I just need to like tone it down.
A little bit. Yeah, I mean, look, don't you know. I mean this is a hard thing because I mean look, if you if you enjoy going out and doing your thing and you find yourself getting genuine, positive social interactions
and life experiences out of it, then that's good. But keep an eye on it, you know, because I think once, once you're looking at it and like, well, no, these nights out aren't giving me positive life experiences and cool stories and human connection, but are really just kind of serving the darker sides of what I desire, then it might be time to try to slow it down. But you know, I guess just try to keep an eye
on it. Yeah, yeah, is there anything else you want to say to the people the computer before we go?
No, but thanks for talking to me, and I'm glad I got through finally.
Yeah, thanks for talking to me too. I will see you around on the computer, Eva. Thank Yeah, I love you Greg Eva forever. Oh yeah, that was an interesting cart That was something I feel like i've talked about a hundred times, the building of internal confidence and trying not to eat shitty. Every time I give the whole, I give the building of internal confidence. Speech makes me think about myself. I think about how much I've built an internal confidence, and I think I'm getting pretty good.
I think I'm getting pretty good, but I don't know. I'm waiting for somebody to say something to me, or something bad to happen to me, or anything like that where I can really test to found my foundation. But it hasn't happened yet. And then with the eating thing, I mean, fuck, I ate like three almond joys before I came on here. I probably shouldn't do that.
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