Hello.
Hi. What's your name?
My name is John.
What's up John? How's life?
I'm living the dream? How are you doing? Gek Oh?
What's the dream?
Oh? I'm I'm studying geology right now. I used to be in the US Army and I get paid to, uh look at rocks.
Has that always been your dream? To look at rocks?
Uh? No, not really, just the preface, And I don't want to be rude. I was esoteric Bush in the chat, which you might have noticed. I have seen many of your edited podcasts, but this was the first live stream that I uh called into and I wanted to talk to you.
For those who are currently listening to the edited podcast to give some context. And I don't actually remember why, but I yelled at you in the chat. You chatted something, and I yelled at you for what you chatted something.
I said something to the effect of you sound like you're saying something that you're actually saying about yourself.
Oh. I don't know why I was lying to you. I don't know why I yelled at you, but we can we can move that.
Yeah, I apologize, and I I meant no offense. I this is my first live stream. I I wanted to talk to you about a couple of things, mainly substance abuse, and I wanted to tell a story.
Okay, do you want to tell the story first, or is the substance abuse related to that.
I think the substance abuse is preliminary to the story. Growing up, my mother was a hoarder and she was very neglectful of me. My father was around, but he worked twelve hour shifts. He was never around. And starting around the age of twelve or thirteen, she started giving me hydrocodone unprompted. She would just like put a pill in my hand and tell me to take it. And that went on for a few months, and after a
while I became physically addicted to it. And she would entice me to do chores around the house by saying, if you do this, I'll give you a hydro. This worked the way up to oxy cotton. She started giving me oxyes around the age of sixteen. I remember I would dig through her bag and she had like three bags that she constantly carried with her. She had like
two purses in her medicine bag. She had a bag full of medicine, and she entrusted me with the medicine bag because she had never caught me going through it. She had caught my father going through it, because she would do the same thing to my father and let me know, if I'm going.
On too long, just say whatever you want.
So I became heavily addicted to opiates at a like mid teenagers age. I started stealing them from her and dealing them at my high school. That's the thing I'm actually least proud about. I only did that twice, and eventually one day I owed the I didn't die. It was a mild od and I remember thinking that I was about to die, and I was cool with it, like I wasn't worried. I was like, yeah, I'm about to die, that's fine. And then I woke up. That's when I swore off opiates. I didn't let her give
me any more opiates after that, I refuse them. I had sears after that. I started smoking Kobe's amounts of weed at the age of eighteen. It was about three months after I turned eighteen. I moved in with my older half brother. He was nineteen years old when I was born. My mother was forty one when she had me. I moved in with him He was also abusive, albeit
less so and in a different way. He was more so physically abusive, and I was the only other really male in the household that posed any threat to him, and he would antagonize me. Fortunately I was bigger than him, so it was more so just depressing and stressful. I moved back to my hometown in Louisiana at the age of nineteen, stayed there for six months, joined the army. I was in the Army for four years, and I became an alcoholic there. I became an alcoholic because that's
just what you do in the army. I remember I had a military ball where I was on flag duty, flag guard, color guard, excuse me, it was color guard, and I was holding the American colors and I was so drunk on returning the colors that I stabbed the spade of the American colors into the sea feeling above, and we had dry wall rained down upon us, and everybody just laughed because they thought I was just a mistake, but it was actually because I was drunk. Ever since then,
I've struggled with alcoholism. There was a time where I was prescribed opiates when I was in the army. I took some and I remember the way that I felt, and I flushed the rest down the toilet, which I know is not good practice, but it was just immediate. It was an immediate reaction. Continuing onwards, I am studying college right now. This is my last semester, and I mean, I guess the main impetus for this story is I had been single for four years at the age of
twenty six. I had a girlfriend, a long term girlfriend in the army. Actually, I had a fiancee in the army that i'd been with for a year and a half. We broke up because their family didn't like me and I was an alcoholic. I had a long term girlfriend, two year long girlfriend, whom we broke up with, less because of my alcoholism and more because we moved apart. I was actually in a good place at that time.
I went to college and for some reason I started freaking to an extreme amount because my very second semester was when COVID began. I started college and the fall semester of twenty nineteen, and then COVID began in March of twenty twenty, so on and so forth. I've been single up until that time. I met a woman that had been ten years older than me on discord on a comedy server that I was absolutely smitten with. And this had nothing to do with them.
What kind of comedy server, comedy podcast server?
Okay, I don't want to be too specific.
That's right, all right? So you met this woman on the.
Yeah, and this this is all leading up to, like basically the most embarrassing moment in my life. I uh, I met this woman on a comedy discord server podcast discord server, and I flew out to California to go meet her. And the first two days when outstanding. We were talking about getting married and this this is way too soon, but it was.
How long had you how long had you been talking? How long had you been talking with this woman before you two met?
About a year? Okay, it was it was stupid. It was no, I admit it was very, very stupid, and it was foolish on my part. But here's the kicker. On the third day, when I was supposed to wake up early to take an uber to the airport, I woke up and there was sun beaming in through the uh like the blinds, and I immediately knew I fucked up. And it was too late. I checked my phone. It was five thirty. Uh five thirty was the exact minute
my flight took off. And then I noticed something. I had been drinking bud light with her the night prior, and I was wet and I realized I had pissed myself. I pissed myself and I I found her awaken her guest room. She was furious at me, and I spent the rest of the day trying to make amends. I cleaned everything up, I uh, I tried to make her dinner. I tried to do everything I could good and she told me after I had basically fixed everything, and she said that she was okay with me, and I kind
of buried the lead. The night prior, I I made a she like trauma dumped on me, and then I trauma dumped on her and I cried in front of her, and she told me that she could never be with me because I cried in front of her. So simultaneously I'm asking, like, how do I deal with substance abuse and how do I handle like a statement like that, Like I I don't know what to think about it, and I don't know how much I know. I have some no large amount of guilt because I fucked a
lot of things up. But her main point wasn't that I got too drunk. It was that I cried in front of her. Was sorry, I know that's a lot.
Hey man, you're all good, You're all good, all right, all right, this was this the first time you'd gotten drunk in a long time.
At that time, yeah, yeah, I had been sober for a while. I remember she picked me up from the airport and the very first thing that we did was we went to a Trader Joe's because I said that I wanted to cook for her. I wanted to make her Jambaliah. And she knew I had been sober for a while. And I immediately saw while I was there that she bought like whiskey and like cut water, Marguerita cutwater. And I was nervous about it. And we got there and she said like, like, you're on vacation, let loose.
And I'm not blaming her, because ultimately it was my own inability to remain sober.
But I.
Just thought, I'm gonna have a good time. And then I I didn't realize how much of my tolerance I had lost, and.
I was an idiot, How long goes this?
This was in May of last year?
May have last year? Okay, so May twenty.
Two, twenty twenty three, twitch.
They okay, and you're twenty seven, right yeah, okay. So you said, how do I deal with that statement? Right?
Yeah? That? And it's a two part combination, because I know I told you my little backstory, I in combination. I don't know how to handle moving on past that statement, and I don't know how to handle a life remaining sober again. Because so.
Let's tackle this one thing at a time, because the substance abuse thing is a uh whole other issue that I certainly do not have a full answer for. But I'm down to talking that. It's not but I'm down to talk about it. I'm down to talk about.
It with you.
But let's start with let's but but let's let's start with the first one. And you said, how do I deal with that statement? So, I mean, I have a ton of thoughts about that statement, But first I want to understand your interpretation. I want to understand how that made you feel. And and and and she and this is you know, many months ago, and it still sounds, it still stings, and you're still embarrassed by it and you still feel it, and I want to and I and I just want to and before I give you
my thoughts, I want to know why. And I want to know what your reactions to that statement are. About her saying that she couldn't love you because you cried.
I would say, at first, it made me, It made me feel worthless, like it made me feel like I could never It was always a fear of mine. Yeah, like I like my ex fiance, I had a long term girlfriend. I cried in front of both of them and they never brought it up. But I was always scared that they viewed me lesser because of it. And I'm I'm not some stallwart bastion of masculinity, like I know when to hold down the fork for lack of
a better term. But to me, that's part of a relationship is that you can be emotional with one another. And I was always scared that you couldn't be because you were viewed as staying non masculine. But no, I so that was always a fear of mine. It was just a lingering fear, and no woman had ever mentioned that to me. And then suddenly I know it sounds weird, but this woman was much older than me, and she was very attractive, and she was like in She wasn't
famous herself, but she was friends with like celebrities. I know that sounds stupid, but she was like prestigious and she had taken a liking to me, and I had such a high regard for her that when I heard her say that, it just totally demolished my self worth. Almost a year from now, I realize it. Oh no, she's not a good person, because I've seen other instances of her behavior harming others. But it's still lingering.
You know, Hey, folks, this is Lyle. I am very excited to announce that I am going back on tour in twenty twenty four to do Therapy Gecko Live all across the country. If you've never been to one of my live shows before, they are extra dreamingly fun, unpredictable, wild evenings that involve a mix of group Gecko therapy sessions as well as some material and presentations from myself. And if you've been to the show before, I have new presentations and will of course be interviewing new people.
If you're a fan of the podcast, you're gonna have a great time at the live show, so I hope to see you guys there. Go to therapy geckotour dot com or check the link in the episode description for a full list of cities where tickets are available. Also, if you don't see your city on the list of cities, please still click the link and RSVP with your phone number so I can contact you when tickets go on sale for your city, because I'm going to announce a
bunch more dates very soon. Geck Bluss, John I, I I I have so much that I want to say, and I'm trying to find the right way to properly express it to you. First and foremost, a hm hm in a relationship like a like, especially somebody who is like, hey, let's fucking get married. Yeah, you know, if you're gonna, if you're if somebody loves you, you know that that sharing of of your emotions purely and openly is necessary.
You know, this idea that you're in a relationship with somebody that you love and you trust and they're your person and you can't cry in front of them, that's wild, that's wild. And I don't know what's up with this woman. I don't know why she said that to you, And I think it's mean. It's really mean to go to somebody into an emotional exchange and then look down upon them for opening up. And I think in a relationship
you got you. You try as hard as you can to be open and vulnerable emotionally, and the idea that you would try to hide that from somebody who claims they love you is wild.
Man.
And so I know that this is not going to be a band aid, but if you're asking me, I just want you to rewire your brain to unlearn whatever low self esteem this woman has given you, because it's from a it's not from a real place. Do you know what I'm saying?
Yeah, I am.
You shouldn't ever you shouldn't ever feel like you can't cry, or like you can't life is so fucking short, John. You shouldn't ever feel like you can't express yourself, like you can't express your emotions to somebody that you love and trust. And if you feel like you can't, then that person doesn't love you.
You know, I no, I.
And and that's not and John, and John, and and please, dear, please, if you can get anything out of this phone call, like, dude, please don't. I don't know if this is how you're thinking, but please don't let this be a knock to your self esteem. Please don't run around thinking, oh, I'm not a man because I cried, or oh I fucked that up, you know, or like, don't do you. I don't know if you I don't know if that's how you're feeling.
But just like and I don't, I don't. I don't know if I can get you to not feel that way by saying this, but like, don't feel that way.
I understand where you're coming from, and I agree with you, but there's like a difference between like knowing something and realizing something.
What do you mean by what does that mean?
Like I know in my heart of hearts that I'm not lesser because of that, but like I don't realize that, like I still feel lesser than and it's hard getting That's been the hardest thing in my life, Like I've mentioned it, Like I know alcohol is bad for me. I know I should quit drinking, but getting to that point where like I'm capable of realizing that it's just so difficult because I I think I can make excuses, So I mean do me.
A favor for a second. If we take the alcohol out of it and we just focus on, like the self astume part, why do you feel lesser.
Than I don't? Because I had invested so much in her? Uh huh I And this sounds stupid. She was one of the only organic relationships that I had, And what I mean by that is that even though we had met online, it wasn't for a dating app. Practically every woman I've been with has been through a dating app. This was just a woman who liked me.
Okay, But so let me ask you this, and you know, there's no shame in this answer, whatever it is, if you want to share it. But why do you feel like you invested so heavily in this woman? What were you What was driving that investment? What did you feel like she was gonna help you with or fail in your life that caused you to invest so heavily.
That because she was older than me, I would somehow feel compelled to get my shit together. And this sounds stupid, But I knew that she had wanted kids, and she was thirty six. I was twenty six, and I thought, well, if I'm going to be with this woman, I have to get my shit together now. And I was thinking that, well, if I invest myself in this woman, I could have like some reason to live like very soon, which I know sounds silly.
I want I want to stop you real quick, because you keep saying this sounds stupid, This sounds silly, And when you say that stuff, it it like a lot
of the A major theme I'm playing armchair therapist. A major theme I'm picking up in our conversation is this like shame over vulnerability, right, like you like especially like you know, you share yourself to this woman and she called you up for crying, and that causes like, oh, I feel ashamed of feeling this way, and so you you you like preamble your statements by I know this sounds silly. I know this sounds stupid because you're like, and I just want I just want to tell you,
and I don't. I just want to tell you you don't have to feel ashamed of your feelings. This is just this is just your truth, man, You know what I mean. This is this is your truth. It is what it is. But you can be open about it. You can share it without having to hate yourself for having felt the way that you felt like, you don't have to hate yourself. You don't have to think you suck because you felt this way. You know, so you don't have to keep saying this sounds silly, this sounds stupid.
I know it's ridiculous. It's just the truth, man, this is how you felt, and you don't have to beat yourself up about it. Yeah, now I help you understand that.
No, Like when I was a kid, like when I've gotten better about doing this individually, like I would always say that I'm sorry, Like I would say I'm sorry for like somebody would say, oh, like I missed lunch and I would say I'm sorry, or like somebody would say like, oh, you misunderstood me. I'm sorry. So I think I've stopped doing this, and I think that's been
the natural evolution of that. It's just like I preclude all of my statements by saying like, yeah, I don't know, Like I just don't feel like my feelings are legitimate and.
That I.
Should be more intellectual. I think, I I don't want to sound autistic as shit, but it's just like I try to function entirely like intellectually, and I just forget that, like I have feelings, and like when I have feelings that counteract what I know, I just I preamble.
So so John, I mean so okay. So just to go back to, like you felt an investment in this woman because you've like it would compel you to get your ship together. Yeah, listen, men, here's the thing. I'm I'm no addiction specialists. I'm not a I'm a dude in a Gecko costume. I don't know anything about any of this ship, about the psychology of it, I don't, but I have a pretty solid gander of the idea. And by the way, I have no uh master and
understanding this concept. I'm really not, but I know it's there, and I know it's proven itself to be there time and time again in my own life. And I'm sure everyone knows what I'm talking about. But the getting your You're never You're never going to be compelled to get
your ship. Relying on other people to get your shit together is it's not going to work, even if they're great, you know, I mean, other people can be helpful, but the end of the day, you know, you're responsible for like solving your own problems and so and so all this stuff. And I think all this stuff is good because it puts the agency back in your hands. And I hope you understand that, and I hope you feel
empowered by that because the agency is back in your hands. Right, nothing that this woman has said or done to you can stop you from getting your own life together.
You know, right, You're right, and you.
Should feel really good about having that agency in your in your hands. You should feel happy about that, and you should feel optimistic about that.
Yeah, do you know I I don't know.
Let me ask you this, and well, how often are you drinking these days? And by the way, I don't know shit about alcoholism and all this stuff, but I'm down to talk talk it through with you a little bit. How often are you drinking? I?
Uh, every other day.
You ever been to a A? No, You've never been to a.
No?
She got a A I've been to. I've been to I've been to o A before. I've been to a few a's and there, there's there, there, there, they're good stuff. You should give it a try.
Yeah, I just always been kind of weary about the like cult tea.
No, no, no, no, no, it's really it's really I'm not fucking religious. No, it's uh, it's not particularly it's not like religious or anything. It's really just a room full of people who have the same problem as you, which is incredibly helpful.
No, man, No, I'm sorry. I know I've dragged on my call for way too long.
John, You're all good. If I wanted to hang up on you, I would have. But I've been enjoying talking to you about this stuff.
Yeah, well, thank you. Before I go, can I tell a mildly inappropriate story from the army?
Yeah, I guess I just before you do that. I I don't know, man. I know I'm not a real therapist, and I know that one phone call is not going to change your life. But yeah, dude, is there any thing else in this situation that you wanted to talk through or any other way? Like I can. I can as another human being on the earth, I can can be helpful to you over the phone.
There's an additional aspect to this story that I don't feel comfortable talking about, like a live stream. Uh. I'll let you take that as you will. And that was in conjunction with that woman. She trauma dumped on me, I trauma dumped on her. I'll let you guess what I dumped on her because I didn't mention it. I am mostly okay now, mainly because my mother is dead. So I h that was like a lot of release of tension. Beyond that, Uh, I don't know, you know, would.
You and I'll want I don't want to. I don't want to keep bothering you. I really don't. I have a lot of by the way, I just want I want you to know. I I tying back into the theme of of of or I made one of the themes of this whole call is I appreciate you being uh, you know, open and honest and vulnerable about all this stuff. And I don't think you should stop doing that, and I don't think you should feel shamed for doing that.
But I want to ask you this, and I won't bother you again about it, but I would you consider, you know, seeing a specialist of some kind or at least going to AA or doing making some kind of you saw a specialist, I.
Saw a specialist. I saw like four while I was in the army. The only guy that actually helped me out at all was a dude that he admitted to doing acid to me and his no like he was a therapist, and he was like, I've done acid, and I was like, I've done acid too, and we talked about it at length, and we just talked about being on acid for entire first like meeting, and then I trusted him entirely after that.
Was he helpful in helping you with the alcohol?
It was actually less extreme at that point. And I wasn't open about my alcoholism while I was in the army because being open about alcoholism in the army, I had a clearance. I don't want to say what kind, But if I had even mentioned having an out like a clearance in mentioning alcoholism, I would have lost my job. So I never talked about it.
So well, I'm rooting for you, man, whatever you decide to do, I'm rooting for you.
Yeah, well I don't know. I well, thanks man. I know I probably took up a significant amount of your podcast time.
No, I don't go to fuck What was anyone else going to talk about? You know, someone is your I would rather listen to you than someone telling me about, you know, pooping their pants for the thirtieth fucking time. So your no apologies necessary? Did you wanted to tell a story? Real quick before we go.
Yeah, it's mildly inappropriate. You can just hang up on me if like it's nothing gory or violent. It's funny and shameful. When I was in the Army, I was an officers driver. I was twenty years old, and I was driving this captain around like for three weeks straight. I was never out of sight, and I eventually, after two weeks, being a new bial twenty year old, my ball started to hurt really fucking from like lack of use and driving a humby because I had barely any
cushioning and I was sitting down all the time. It st me if I'm going in a weird direction. It was just this funny anonymous story.
I go ahead and finish.
So I decide that I had I had to jerk off Like it wasn't a matter of like pleasure, it was like a biological necessity because it hurts so fucking bad. So I elived at this captain. I told him I was going to go take a shit behind a sand dune. In reality, I walked out like two hundred meters and I walked out behind the sand dune in the deserts of El Paso and I sat down and found this perfect shrine of sin and rubbed the one out. I squose my hog, and as soon as I was done,
the sound registered to me like a fucking lawnmower. And I pull up my trousers real quick, and I do a three sixty in search of the sound, to no avail. I can't find it. I give up, and I go back to my little coum throne and I sit back down. And I sit down. I look up. There's a quad copter up there with its camera pointed directly at me. So somewhere in the government archives it's a drone video of me jacking off in the middle of the desert.
John, I think I think you should write a memoir. Man.
Well, thank you. I hope that story wasn't too inappropriate.
No, that story was perfect. Thank you for sharing that.
Okay, Well, thank you for your time. This is my first time tuning into one of your streams. I hope you have a good rest of your day.
You too, Man, I'm sorry I yelled at you in the chat earlier.
No, it's fine, I criticize you. It's okay.
Take care John, and good luck.
All right, have a good one.
Man, tricking off in the middle of the desert. Huh. I've tripped off in the middle of a field before, but never a desert. Maybe I should try that. I hope I hope that after that forty five minute phone call, that's not what I that's not like the only thing that I picked up, you know. I would hope I would hope that I thought about. I would hope I got better takeaways from that phone call. I would hope we all got better takeaways from that phone call. Then
I should jerk off in the desert. But you know what, if that's all you got, that's fine too. Hello, Hey, what's up?
Oh Hey, how's it going?
I want I call you John? John? Hey, John, would you want to would you want to talk about today? Dog?
Yeah? So I wrote, I've uh, you know, I've done, you know, some drugs here and there in my life, and you know, I pretty much got past the heavy phase and all that stuff, and I'm you know, older now, but occasionally, I, you know, look online and get some something different and I don't know what came over me, but I decided to try steroids and uh, just on a whim. So they're like, it's a mild one. It's oral, and I started taking it five days ago. I don't work out, I eat junk food, I drink too much
just to see what would happen? Is that weird? Like I'm wondering, like should I be concerned?
You started taking steroids just for no reason?
Kind of yeah, Like, well I will I get kind of kind of ripped or whatever just by doing nothing and sitting around.
Did that work?
It's only been like five days, and honestly, like I can feel like a difference for sure, But uh uh, it's not like super visible or anything.
Do you anticipate any side effects to doing this?
I mean I've read about some you know, you can you know that can you know your your your balls can get small? You can you know like have a you know, get angry or whatever. But you know, I haven't noticed anything.
How long do you intend to do.
This for thirty days?
Why did you pick thirty days?
I looked online. I guess some people do it for a while and then they stop. Like if you just do this all the time, it can be really fucked up. So I'm just gonna give it a little shot.
Okay, do you are you afraid of anything that might happen to your body as a result of this test.
I'm not too afraid. I was just kind of wondering if you were a chat new of like anything else, because I'm not too scared, but like, shit, like, it's kind of weird if.
You're asking you're asking me a get on the internet, if I know about any health negative health effects that might come as a result of you taking steroids from No.
Yeah, and fair enough, I'm not shooting like you know, that's like I draw a hard line there, but like you are doing mild mild mild oral steroids.
Okay, yeah, I mean probably. I mean if you asked me my professional opinion, I would say that's probably not a good idea to do that. I mean, yeah, though, this is uh, this might be one of the stupidest things I've ever heard.
Drink that's pretty funny.
Yeah, this might be one of the stupid and and you know me, I've heard a lot of stupid things, and this is up there the stupidest things I've ever heard. Why are you doing this? It's you text the me no, no, no, hold on, ask me that you texted me. You said I started taking steroids because I thought it would be funny.
I mean, I just like, you know what happens if you do nothing. You just keep like, you know, being kind of a piece of shit and like eating whatever, and like would it make an effect? Like would it have a difference? I don't know.
This is so dumb. Okay, this is the dumbest thing of her. So you're just trying to get it. You're trying to get in shape. You're trying to change your body, trying to lose weight and get in shape.
Just to see if it would make an effect.
I guess yeah, yeah, okay, but it's gonna make an effect. It's gonna make your dick smaller, it's gonna make you irritable. It's gonna be bad. Why don't you just why don't you fucking just eat some lettuce and go to the gym instead of taking steroids for no reason?
That's probably a much better idea.
Fair enough, don't do the thirty day? Are you gonna do the thirty days?
You got me second guessing it?
Okay, good, So I'm glad that I've achieved the effect for you. Yeah, okay, what is that? Jesus Christ? Uh, you don't do it? I do it? Why not see what happens be a human guinea pig.
Oh you know what? All right? You know you got me there? Okay, yeah, you know we'll be bad.
Well, okay, good Jesus Christ. What's what's John? John?
Oh?
Man?
Uh?
Where do you even where do you even get these steroids from?
Oh?
You know the people that you take. Chad knows where they get whatever you'd name and you know where it's at.
Well, John, Okay, if this phone call has resulted in you not doing this, I'm I'm happy, Uh that we that we did it?
Excellent? Well, it very well? May so?
An think I just want to say to the people of the computer before we go, I'll bellow I love you too. And I don't say that very often because it feels weird, but I'll say it to you if it will get you to stop doing the stupidest thing I've ever heard of anyone doing.
Sir, I'm glad that I've reached some kind of peak for you.
Take care, man, you took goes on the line taking your phone calls every night.
Every Beacond goes to his eye. He's teaching you loud in memory life. He's not really an expert