THE BART SIMPSON CYST

Hey, folks, it's Lyle. Before we get into the episode, I wanted to talk to you guys about a new thing I'm doing where you can help support my lizard endeavors by becoming a premium member of this podcast over at Therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. Premium members, or gek Legends as I call them, we'll be able to get every new and existing episode of Therapy Gecko completely

Hello, Hi, is this good?

Yeah?

Who is this?

This is Brandon. How are you doing tonight?

Ah? Man, I'm doing uh pretty all right.

Man.

I'm I'm here to talk to some people on the phone and be a lizard and learn about folks in the world who aren't me, And uh, you aren't me. You're a your brandon. You're a separate entity from I, and I would love to know what's going on with you. Is there a thing in particular that you called in to talk about? It's okay if.

Not there is, I commented in your chat. So me and my girlfriend are burt both currently crippled right now.

You and your girlfriend are crippled right now?

Yes?

What what are you? What are you crippled with?

So I'm pretty sure I just tore my ACL and my m CL again, do you want to see yours? And she's just having lady problems. We're gonna just put it like that.

She's having her she's what does that means? She having her period? Because I don't know if that counts as being crippled.

No, it's gynecologists though.

Okay, she has a broken vagina? Yes, how did you is she? Can I talk to her real quick?

Yeah? She can hear you.

Hey, what's your name, Megan? How did you break your vagina?

So I get these types of CIS and basically I've had to get it cut open about five times and uh, so, yeah, I can't get out of bed because yeah, I don't want to get super into it. But it's really fucked up, Like, it's really fucked up.

What is so? Is so it's a cyst? Is it inside of your vagina?

Yes?

That sounds crazy. But wait, so when you cut open as cyst on the inside of your vagina, you're creating a vagina inside of your vagina. Yes, vaginaception, it's vagina exception.

I'm gonna get asked too. I'm not joking.

No, I don't think this is something you would joke about.

Do you want to?

If you want to look it up, it's called a barcelon cyst.

You know what, I don't you know what?

Fuck?

I don't care. I'll yeah. How do you spell it?

B A R T H O L I and cyst?

Bartholin cyst? All right? Do I dare click images? Well, I'm an adult, so I can handle it. Oh, okay, so I'm saying this, Okay, you know what? This kind of looks like This kind of looks like a p and a pod.

True.

True, And it's.

On the inside of a but oh this looks incredibly painful. How did you when did you find out that you had this.

I've been having them for about a year.

You've been having them, there's been multiple bar Yes, Bart Simpson, I'm gonna call them Bart Simpsons. I'm sorry say that again.

I've had five on the right and two on the left.

You had five of the You had five of these motherfuckers like at a time. You had seven at.

A time, not at a time throughout the year.

Oh my god, how have you not killed yourself already?

Smoking some weed?

Okay?

Do you have like a where do you what? What's what state do you live in?

Texas?

Uh? Do you do you get medical marijuana for? Is that like a no? Dude, come on, if they see look, if you show the weed card guy, the giant cyst on your vagina, he's got to give you some weed.

I fucking hope.

Does it help with the pain? Yeah?

I was high last one. I have high for a week.

You were high for Oh you you were high for like that whole week?

Yes?

So when have you ever had multiple of them on there at a time or is it just one?

No?

Just like it looks like like I had like balls.

It looks like your vagina has balls.

Yeah?

Man, how big was this cyst that it looked like a ball is.

The size of a golfbel Oh my god.

Now let me ask you, and look, I'm sorry, I'm asking you to tell me a lot about this because I'm curious.

But well, it's not a thing that's known a why about side? You know, I'm happy to share about it.

You're spreading awareness some something. Listen, somebody is listening to this podcast right now and going, oh, that's what that is on my vagina. I should go see a doctor about that. I mean, you know, and you're saving that person's life by being open about this. So you're a hero. What can I does it? Do you guys still have sex even with the thing? No? I assume it makes sex very painful. Yes, what did he just say?

Being an asshole?

Is your kind of cologist a guy or a girl?

It's a girl.

Okay.

So I had gone today and there was my best friend who's gay, and then I had the doctor, then I had the nurse, and then I had a person who was learning in the room as well. So I had like four people looking at my vagina at the same time.

You had an audience for this thing.

I'm mean, at that point it hurts so bad you don't care.

I mean it is kind of a I mean it. I mean I'm looking at it right now. I mean I'm not yours. I'm not looking at yours, but I'm looking at a vagina with a cyst on it, and it is it is kind of a spectacle.

Yeah, it's fuck, it's really fucky. And there's no cure for it.

Is it cutting it open?

The cure?

I'm like the want of educating you right now. So there's this thing called a word capitter that basically fills in the hole for about four weeks and so and your body healed from the inside out. So it's trying to clear it. But since they haven't done research on women's bodies until about the seventies, they don't know the cause, they don't know how to stop it, and like the most extreme is to remove both the glands through surgery.

Is that true that they didn't do medical research on female bodies until when nineteen seventy?

Yeah?

About huh, like in depth?

So, uh, when here's the thing. When they cut off the cyst, what do they do with it?

No, they'll cut it off, they like drain it.

Oh, okay, what do they do with the puss. Do you think that's do you do you think that's any guy's like thing? Like, there's there's gotta be some guy out there who's bart thought bart bart what is it called?

Well, what's that thing where it's like there's.

A porn for anything, there's a Yeah, there's some guy out there who's a bartisianal cyst puss guy, like it's his dream to use the pus from a bartisanal cyst as lube. Sorry, I don't know why I'm just saying these things. I don't know. I'm not saying that's me. I'm saying that there's you. You said it yourself. Hold on you, hold on, hold on, hold on, you said yourself. If it exists as part of it, you brought that. No, I'm guessing right now. No, No, I was. I was. This

Hey, we give you money, we can do you show in Dallas.

Came to my show in Dallas.

That was our first date and we are dating now, so I owe you a thank you.

But that was your first date.

Yeah, Hey, it was phenomenal in my opinion, she said, that was the best day she's ever been on.

Oh really? Well, well, okay, what did you Was that because your boyfriend was being all cool and slick or did you just like the show or both both?

And we got roman afterwards.

That sounds fun. I'm glad you guys liked it. Yeah, that was that was fun.

The guy talking about netting on an ant who.

Yeah, I do remember that guy talking about poor ans Man. This is that, you know, I make it. This is a great ad for the tour. Just making a passing comment about the guys.

Everyone everyone goes.

It's funny.

Everyone's got to go. It builds relationships.

Well, so, okay, so when that was, that was kind of recent, right, Like, so you guys are there's a month ago. Well, I'm not gonna lie. You guys sound like you've been dating. I mean, look, you've been through a lot together. Trauma.

Seven hundred milligrams of stuff drained out of his knee yesterday.

Actually okay, all right, so let's talk about you. And so you have like a kne cist.

Okay, so you have a bunch of tendons that are inside your knee that hold your knee in place and allows it to move, and they're really common pairs within athletes. And I had surgery on it last year around this time.

Something playing flag football.

Sure not.

Playing flag football the inter real sports for our college. I you know what I gotta say, though, Like, here's the thing, even though you torir racl, you can never complain to her because her like look, but hers is way worse.

Yeah, I know, I've already told her that.

So what have you guys been doing? I mean you guys, I mean, can you guys? Can either of you walk?

So I just hurt my knee this last Friday, so I've just been having the rewalk. I'm just off the crutches now and I just kind of limp around with a really big brace. And she can't really walk very well today. So it was me limping around in her kitchen cooking her dinner tonight, but last weekend it was her cooking dinner for me.

That's sweet. You guys really are trauma bonding with all the stuff that there's enough puss being drained out of both of you guys to make the guy with the vagina cist fetish and some girl with a kneist fetish very happy.

We could make money.

You could, but you'd probably is that legal? That's got to be illegal right to sell? Actually, you guys want to fund I I I a long time, maybe like a couple of years ago. I sold my bath water on my website, theret gecko dot com, and in doing so I had to look up the legality of selling bodily fluids because you know, like there were flakes of skin and hair in there, and I think you can't, Like you can't sell piss or blood over with shopify, but I think bathwater is okay, and I would I don't.

I saw a lady today sell bags of her burps for fifty.

Dollars bags of burps? Where did you see that?

On tick cook? She also sold her cast one time for fifteen thousand dollars.

Her cast.

Yeah, she had broken her leg and she's got it when it was healed. She gave the sold the cast of the guys for fifteen thousand dollars.

What do you what do you think about that? Do you think that that's sad or do you think that's happy?

I think that's honestly kind of baller, just.

A bird, No, I mean like, is it like, is it a set? Do you think it's oh for the guy, for the well, both of them. Look, that transaction would not have transpired were it not mutually agreed upon by both parties to be beneficial.

Was she's a dominatrix?

All right? So he probably had I do you think he's like jacking off, like rubbing the cast on his dick? What he's doing?

Yeah?

Oh yeah, you see know look you say and you've been you guys have been saying, but look it probably it made it probably made that guy very happy to jerk off onto this girl's sweaty cast, and it probably made her very happy to sell it for fifteen dollars.

I think that's a great I think that's a beautiful story. It makes people like will make fucking comments on the internet and be like, oh this is people. Guys are paying fifteen thousand dollars for a girl's cast. What does society come to? I think that's a I think that's a happy story of two people really getting what they wanted out of life. I think it's a beautiful thing.

You know what, that's true?

Understanding, man, So you guys have only been together for a month, where did you guys meet each other?

I think Kim's Actually, did.

You guys both know about me? Before going to the one of you?

Like?

No, I was listening about you. He watched you more than I did.

I watch you a lot. I love the podcast.

What do You?

What?

Did did you guys go on a second date? What was the second date? Was it to the guy in the collegist office? What did we do?

I think we just hung out in myth place?

We did?

I don't even know there.

We've been hanging out like every day since, so we're not even sure.

Oh that's so nice. That's so nice.

What she was in my class last semester.

Oh yeah, that's another thing. We had a big lecture together. It was like one hundred and seventy people, and I said, like seven rows behind her, and I noticed her because she's covered and she has twenty tattoos, and I noticed her and I thought she was really pretty. But I was too scared to ever go up and say anything because I'm awkward at first. But you know what ended up working out.

You guys are in college. Yeah, in my head, I don't know why, but in my head, I imagine you guys both being like thirty five years old.

No, she's twenty one.

I'm twenty all right, Well, how did you what do you? Guys go to school for a psychology with.

A minor and human services and I'm a marketing.

Major psychology with it. What is human services?

You know?

Like social workers?

Yeah?

Kind of like the it's it's just an auto. I'm trying to get my masthew's degree for therapy for teens and young adults.

I like that. Do you think that the pain that you were going through now is somehow like like do you think it will brace you for the hardships that people come to you with? Well?

Yeah, so one thing I've learned is like therapists need therapist. Yeah, so I feel like I understand more because I the reason I picked that age grip is when I really really struggle as a teenagers, so I felt like I could connect with people's so well about that?

I like that, man, I like that. What are you like? So you want to be like a talk therapist?

Yeah?

Nice? And what do you what do.

You want with the degree?

Me with a degree, I hope I I for your sake, I hope you achieve far greater than being just me with a degree and you want to be Are you trying to be like the social media manager for Taco Bell? What's your deal?

Honestly, No, I'm trying to work for you, gig. I'm trying to be your marketing major. I'm trying to get you. I'm trying to book you shows. I'm gonna put you on I'm gonna work on your social media account.

How do you what's your what's give me a give me a gorilla marketing plan to get people to come, uh, to get more people to listen to this podcast.

Yeah, we're gonna get some get condoms rolling out. We're gonna go throw them all around the streets. We're gonna get more TikTok ads going around.

By the way, the condom things sounded like it was her idea.

Yeah, we're a team here, We're a team here. But I would stick to social media because most of the people we met at your shows all found you on social media. And then one of my favorite YouTube videos that you did is.

When you it'd be weird if somebody said that they found me through a condom.

I think that'd be a great way to find you.

Weird thinking about you.

And yeah, that's why it's just my face like that get stare emo is the wrapper. The actual kindom is like scent, like sweaty mild. Yeah what what what you You were about to say something about a YouTube video.

You're doing great with the YouTube videos, with the travels. Like my favorite YouTube videos is when you had a midlife crisis and you went to Guatemala.

Yeah, man, fuck, I you know I have I I went to Japan and I shot all this cool stuff and I want to edit it. I got That's what I wanted. My macro focus for this year is this tour, and then I think next year I'm gonna be doing a lot more like of that.

Kind of ship.

Yeah, I gotta dude, I gotta DM. I don't know if I talked about this fort I got a DM from some guy on Instagram being like, hey, man, I live in Pakistan. You should come through and we'll hang out and I'll show you around and look. I didn't respond, but a part of me was like, fuck, man, I could just go to Pakistan and film a little video. I don't know what that would be like.

I would love to travel the world personally. So that sounds like you haven't made.

Well I don't know if well. Look the second that you know I'm staring at a condom with my face on it is when I will, I will, I will declare myself having had it made. Well, I'm you know. Look, here's the thing, here's the thing. Yes, I have, I traveled to Guatemala, I'm doing shows all around the universe. But you know what, stuff like this, the fact that this, this humble little podcast was able to create just such a such a beautiful budding romance, it warms my hearts.

This and no gig.

I've been calling for probably the past year and I've never got in, so this is great.

What is what are both of your guys names? Again, Brandon and Meghan Megan. I say this with full sincerity. I am sorry about your vagina.

Thank you.

I appreciate it, and I would like to announce the chat. This was not my fault. What was what faults for vagina? I did not cause it?

Oh wait, we're people were people in the chat saying that you somehow.

Blew us a few I'm from basketball.

Okay, because I was gonna say if you guys were doing some kind of weird, like what's it called Karma Sutra pose where you were impaling her vagina with your sister knee and see somehow called it from man? I you know. I mean, you guys are adults, live your life. Is there anything else you guys want to say? Is to the people of the computer before we go on.

GEG Greens relationships together. Guys go to a GEG show and you're going to meet a girl.

That's all I gotta say in it. Go ahead.

I can't I can't guarantee that, but it's perfect. Get any final thoughts?

Mm hmm.

Thank you Greg.

Hey, you guys take care. Thank you very much for calling.

Have good night you two.

Hello, Hey, oh my god.

Hello, how are you?

I'm doing pretty good? Man, how are you?

I'm great. Emily wouldn't believe it, Emily calling to her now?

Yeah, Who's who's Emily?

Ema? That's my girlfriend. I've been talking. I started get Indie recently. I've always been telling you about her, and I try to get her to listen to you. But she said it was like nonsense or something, So I say that love.

Oh, professor, Look I'm not I'm not offended by you saying it's not. I don't know. If she can hear me, she can talk to her real quick. Can I talk to her real quick?

Yeah?

Here, Hello, I'm not offended that you said it was nonsense. You don't have it's okay, I don't it's sometimes is nonsense. I agree with you.

Sometimes it is nonsense, but it's whatever. Like I don't mind. All right, I don't watch it a lot anymore.

Did it did it devolve into nonsense? Did it start?

Since that's what he took out of the conversation.

Tell what what? What was the conversation?

I tried.

I tried to play you. We were out one time and I was in the car and I said, oh, let's listen to therapy. Get go on the way home. And she said something like, I don't want to listen to some gecko talk about some nonsense.

Yeah, And by the way, that's that's I know. I'm not offended by that. That's the most That's so fair, okay, because look, I'm a gecko and I'm talking about nonsense all the time. I'm I am blessed with the fact that enough people exist in the universe that want to hear a gecko talk about nonsense that I am afforded the ability to do this. But I would be insane to think that everybody in the universe wants to hear a gecko talk about nonsense all the time. So I get I'm not offended.

It's it's you know, it's it's reluctive. I understand.

At the point in time, I'd rather listen to music and not a podcast when we're on our way to get grocery.

You know, I can sing. Do you want me to sing more in the podcast? And then maybe you'd want to listen to it more.

I mean, don't do stuff for me, but that would be what's.

Your favorite what's your favorite song? I'll sing it right now.

Oh god, that's a that's a hard question. You can't put me on the spot like that.

Just what's the song you like?

Now?

What's the song you've been listening to? I'll sing it.

What's the song Michael Zipper by Brackhampton.

I don't know what the fuck that is? So anyway, I am.

I okay, go ahead, go ahead.

What do you know? You you were the one that called me, You tell me what you wanted to talk about.

Well, I guess there's a couple different things. I could always talk I mean, well, I guess essentially mentioned groceries. I can talk to you about one problem I've been having that people in my life, including my girlfriend, and getting upset with me about. Then you can give me your two cents. So I think I have a slight addiction to stealing from the grocery store.

Ah, you're a klecto. Yeah, what are you stealing?

Pretty much all the food we get? So, like my problem is, uh, I don't go grocery shopping until we're like out of everything because I'm lazy. And the grocery store which shall remain nameless, that I've been going to near my house, I noticed that, like the staff is very very low staff, very young staff that doesn't really care as to what's going on. So I figured I can just totally scan two or three cheap things and be on my way. And that's what I've been doing.

I like that You've the way that you've phrased it is amazing. You're like, I save eighty I've saved eighty to ninety dollars per grocery trip instead of saying I steal eighty to ninety dollars worth of stuff every grocery trip.

Well, you know, it's it's I think it's just one of those one of those things where I mean, we're nineteen, we only just moved into this apartment about six months ago ish, and you know, money can get tight sometimes and you gotta say, you gotta do what you gotta do. And you know, I mean, I don't is it a problem that I don't feel bad?

Well, I look, I'm not gonna judge you. I don't you know, well, okay, you don't feel about what are you?

Right, Yeah, there's no reason to play hero. You're not You're not gonna get any more money.

Yeah, all right, So what I mean, tell me what are you stealing?

Pretty much all the necessities you need when you go grocery store. I mean, you know, all of our frozen foods, all the foods we get. We just I just got yesterday. I went and I got a like toilet paper and like water bottles and stuff, so pretty much anything you would get on your regular big grocery trip. And like I said, it's like threas in a play. So much at once is because I get lazy and I don't like go to the store until like I need to,

So your door dash, your door dashing for a whole week.

Maybe not a whole week, I'm not the exaggeration, but like.

Door dashing every day for a week costs like five hundred dollars.

Okay, yeah, so maybe not a whole week with exaggerating, but like you know, days on ending, right, or like a couple of days out of the week, and we realize, you know, it's better, let's just go get some groceries because I'm just so god in lazy and I also want to uh not spend a bunch of money on groceries. So I, you know, and do what you gotta do.

Are you how are you stealing them? Exactly? Are you bringing them to the self check out them?

Right?

Okay?

I do have a process, and you know, given the the the the way the grocery store is and makes it very easy. So there's like there's one like registered person, right, and then there's like I would say probably eight self checkouts, so there's only one person up front that like isn't paying attention as to what's going on. And then the other problem though, is that so every self checkout right has a big like HD camera on it that's like

At least, they make it so easy with these self checkout things. I don't know what, Who are the fuck's watching these, dude, that's just nobody's watching that camera.

Exactly like they put them there to intimidate you but nobody's actually fucking watching them.

Is it bad that you don't feel bad? That was your question. I mean, uh, dude, I don't know. I am. I am far and away not a moral authority, So I'm not going to tell you how to feel.

I don't I don't think stealing from these billion dollar quarters. I don't think they're meat stealing seventy dollars in the product and these spelling dollar corporations isn't going to fucking ruin their business, you know what I mean?

Well, I mean, all right, well, well let's say everybody did it, right, Let's say everybody stole all of their groceries, then the grocery shopping industry would collapse.

You're right, you're right.

But luckily, like most people that go here honestly are like like old people, and they just, you know, just buy all their stuff because they they're older, and you know, they're old and don't know anything better.

But I think because they're old and they don't they don't know any better, that they can just fucking.

Take the problem right now, is lying that my girlfriend, she she doesn't want to go, she doesn't go to the grocery work with me anymore. Because she gets very anxious that we're gonna get caught. And that's what makes me feel a little bad.

Okay, have you ever gotten close to getting caught?

No?

Not at least not in my eyes. No, it's it's like the problem, it's that's the reason why I keep doing it is that it's like too easy. Like they almost set it up as if like they know they're going to lose money. I don't get it, Like they're like, why not just fucking employe some more like cashiers, you know, get some more workers in there, get people some more money,

I mean, I'm sure the most people who walk into Target uh pay for their things. Uh, and enough people probably don't, and like a few enough people steal that it's really that much of an issue. Although I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about, I know, like.

They lost like maybe it was like a crazy amount of dollars yearly in profits because people are stealing.

I do what. There's like the funny thing is is we're too idiots just talking about that. Like, there's economists right who have written articles of of like does steal that's an interesting question. Does stealing from Walmart or like big corporations? Does it somehow trickle down to affect people other than just like the folks who you don't have stock in the company. I don't know.

I don't think it does.

What do you like?

Give me? Give me, give me an example of an item. You stole steak, you still a steak.

I still steak. I stole I stole three steaks. I ground chicken. I stole a bunch of frozen food. I stole a pack of water, toilet paper, fucking a couple of bags of French fries, like some bags of chicken, just pretty much like I said, I mean anything you would go in a regular grocery trip. I mean, luckily, you know, it's just the two of us. It's not like a big family, so we don't need like a ton of groceries. Where Like, I'm afraid if it, like the cart was like totally like loaded, then it would

I'll but that, you know, well, I'll say that, I'll say that. I'll say this. The quickest way to you getting super caught is to get so used to stealing that when they do catch you, you're like, oh, fuck, I forgot that this was even like illegal. This is just so part of my routine going to the grocery store that I forgot. Don't get to that point, because that's that's right, that's when people get you know. That's all right? Tell me this, Tell that do you have a do

I delivered pizza, all right.

And now you don't give a fuck if people, like, if people came to your pizza shop and stole pizza, you wouldn't give a fuck.

No, what would have care?

Mm hmm do you do you make decent enough money delivering pizzas that you could pay for the groceries if you wanted to?

Oh?

Yeah, absolutely, But.

I was totally I totally thought that was not gonna be the answer to that question because I assume, I mean, do you make decent money delivering these pizzas?

I do?

Actually, I do make a decent, decent profit more than Honestly, I think more people realize you can make as a pizza livery driver. It's just I think the money that I I because, like, don't I feel like a lot of people that's problem. Like I I like will fucking go on door dash and spend like forty dollars and not even think about it, but like I'll go to the groceryore and like that hands like four dollars. I don't know if I can, you know.

What I mean?

Like it's so weird, Like I feel like things I want I can spend money on without even thinking about it, but like should I need like gas or a fucking oil change or groceries? I like they're not like the smartest. So I think that's what kind of led to like me thinking, oh, I can just steal groceries.

That's just all right.

Let me let me get the counterpoint in here. Let me talk to Emma again, Okay, unless if she's in another room because she hates my voice that much. Oh there you are, Emma, I.

Don't hate you. This is not gonna be a thing, Emma.

Yeah. Well, so from what I have been told or from what I gather, you're you are anti stealing from the grocery store. You have this premonition that it is going to turn out bad and he's gonna get caught, and you don't want to be around for that.

I'm pro stealing. I think it's good if it's from like not small businesses.

It's not a small business, by the way.

Just it's not.

It is not a small business. But I just have bad anxiety. So like, if I know he's gonna go there and steel like more than half the cart full of groceries, I don't really want to be there. Plus he's done it so many times. There's I've heard that there's like a limit to how much you can steal, Like if it's over like a thousand, then that can

Yeah, you're at risk of the FBI literally raiding your pantry. Uh huh, I could see. I can tell you, I can tell you how I can hate me so much.

I don't hate you.

Hated you hated my joke anyway, all right, I.

Didn't want to laugh at my own extent.

Anyway, But now I want to switch up.

The grocery store at least.

No, what we go to is fucking perfect for stealing.

Like, just switch it up every now and then go to a different.

Risk then I might get Okay, you know what, here's the thing.

Here's the thing, Michael. This problem is going to solve itself because one of two things will happen. Okay, either you will get caught or you won't. So the problem we'll work itself out.

Okay, Well, then what you get go on the computer. We can you recommend that I do from this point forward? What would you do in my position right now if you were calling into another gecko on the computer about this situation and they told you what you just told me, how would you feel and what would think you would do.

Probably stops dealing with stuff in the grocery store.

I understand that's prob the right call.

All right, I'm gonna start singing on the podcast that your girlfriend doesn't hate it as much. I'm gonna do it for her. Well, you know, Mike, is there anything else you want to say to the me or the god or the people of the computer before we go? And thank you for defending me. By the way, Mike, I appreciate that.

Can I be one thing?

Actually?

I want to go. I'm planning on going to your show in Philly, But like when I go on like the website to buy the ticket, it says something about like twenty one and over and I'm nineteen? Can I still go? Does that work?

You know?

I grew up. I went to college in Philly, right, and I attended my fair share of comedy shows and events as a nineteen year old, eighteen year old, twenty year old. And you know, I mean, I ask the venue, But like, I don't want to tell you that you should just go anyway, because I don't. I would hate for you to buy a ticket enough to get in. But I talked to the venue.

Okay, are you going.

To bring Emma I would like to.

Yeah, I'll go.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for giving you shit. What's up? Hit me up? What's going on?

Say?

Say your thing the people of the computer Mike.

Yeah.

Last thing I'll say is I probably started listening to you like a month ago and delivering pizzas. Now it's pretty much all I do while I drive is listen to your podcast, and it is made my job lot less boring and a lot more enjoyable.

So I appreciate that.

And yeah, I've been trying to call in and I never thought i'd get in, but I actually got in and I talked to you about one of my issues, and I really appreciate it. Man, Thanks for the service you do. I think it's really important letting people know that, you know, talking about things can really help and everything, and you know, just keep gecking it up and I'll probably see you in Philly hopefully.

Well, thank you. Man. Look, if you need a character witness in court after they catch you stealing uh uh, you know, cereal and toilet paper and shit, I got you. Okay, I will show up in the Gecko suit to the Pennsylvania Court of Affairs and I will I will let them know that you're a good guy.

Thank you so much, man, I really appreciate that you.

Take care. Goodbye, Emma, goodbye, Mike.

Good night you too, call from.

Hello?

What's up?

Oh? Nothing? My girl told me to call y'all.

Your girls told you to call me? Yeah? Okay? What are you by by your girls? Does that mean? Are you? Are they your daughters? Are you in a polyamorous relationship? What's how are they your girls?

Well? She has multiple personalities, so it could be the poly relationship?

Okay? What what are her multiple personalities?

Oh?

Man? Trust is scary. She gets pissed off. She becomes like angry. Have you ever seen like the gremlin when you feed it after twelve?

That sounds more like an emotion than a than a personality.

Oh no, she flips men, trust me. It's like a whole different person. It's probably mainly because of the emotion, but it's a whole different person.

Okay, And she told you to call me?

Yeah, she's like like a fan, like a major fan. She's been telling me about your show for a while. I just I think you.

And what what did Why did she tell you to call me?

I don't know. She's just like watching the stream she wanted. She tried calling and she couldn't get on. She was like call. I was like, okay, I don't even know how this worked.

Honestly, it's well, it's working right now. We're on the phone together. We're talking.

So does that mean I'm on the live?

You are on the phone with a guy? Okay? So your name is Tony. You have a girlfriend who so far you've said only negative things about. Do you, guys, do you actually like this person?

Oh? I love her?

Okay, that's good. What do you like about her? Oh?

She's smart and she's beautiful and she's so unique.

Hmmm. How did you guys meet?

You're never gonna guess it. We met at McDonald's.

Bullshit, I swear to god.

I was the cash was the cashier.

You were the cashier.

I was the cash here and she walked in to get her job, and she asked me for the for the manager. But I guess I don't know if she like kind of asked me and it walked away, and I was okay, And the next thing I know, she ended up working there.

Oh so you met working together at McDonald's. I thought she was just a customer.

Oh no, no, no, no, no.

That's fast. You know, it's fascinating that you can be because there's look, and I'm just gonna be honest here in no offense, but the McDonald's fast food uniform not the most attractive clothing choice, and yet both of you still found each other appealing right right right in that environment, smelling like fries in Greece.

Right right, And you can't forget the beeping noise that you can hear in your sleep. If anybody who's worked at mcdonald's'll tell you about the beeping.

Noise, tell me more, what's the beeping noise?

So basically, anything anything that you put on, whether it's French fries to the burger patties, it alerts to you with this harassing like ear raping noise. It's just like a beat, but it's you hear it non stop, especially when you're in like either fries or in the kitchen anywhere. Basically, this noise like penetrates so much into your head. I could hear it when I was sleeping.

Mmm.

And what is what's the source of the noise? Where does it come from?

It's just like an alarm on the fryars and the grill where you put the burgers onto. It's just an alarm that I guess integrated into the machines. But the beat is like it's it's so weird. You can hear it over anything.

I feel like, if the beef is constant, doesn't This is the whole point of an alarm, that it's supposed to be a foreign sound that alerts you to something, where if the alarm becomes part of the ambiance of the environment, it ceases to perform its function.

No, but it's so high pitched and it's it keeps ringing until you turn it off, and I sort of fries why fried? For about two minutes. I think it was two to three. I can't really remember. But it's just constantly going off the whole shift.

Now, what is it that you said? What is it that you said to her to turn your relationship from collegiate? How it's from this from from one of coworkers to one of love?

What I said to her? Yes, well, it's actually weird because I I actually didn't know her name for a while. She kind of holds that against me.

Don't they fucking have name tags?

Yeah, but she would never wear hers, it might be.

Now what what what did you? How did how did how did your relationship turn from colleagues to lovers?

How did it turn from colleagues to lovers?

Oh?

Kind of just guess, little tiny flirting actions. I guess. You know, she's significantly shorter than I am, so I would just kind of flick her hat when I walk past her and stuff like that. But then eventually she started just coming in to check the schedule on her days off and bring me cookies. That's when I knew she was the one.

You would you'd flick her hat. That's kind of like the whole if a guy is bullying you he likes you thing.

Yeah, I guess you could, Yeah, yeah, pretty much. But it was the more flick.

When you flicked her hat, would she say stop in like a playful tone.

Not really, I kind of just flickedd and' kt walking. I was kind of nervous, you know.

Yeah, it sounds like a nervous thing to do, all right. Now, what was your first date? Was it a burger king.

King?

No?

No, no. We went to go watch the Jackie Robinson movie.

The Jackie Robinson movie, and was Jackie Robinson's triumph of of of destroying the social norms of the time, Like did that fire? You guys up romantic?

You can't attention to the movie?

Why why? Why not?

It didn't catch my attention. I just wanted an excuse to spend time where nothing else good was playing. It was during the lockdown, you know, during COVID. Uh yeah, yeah, I don't.

You know, I don't. Here's the thing I've never I've never understood. I've never understood a movie first dates. It's a It's a horrible idea in my eyes, because how are you supposed to talk? You can't really talk during the movie.

Right, you're right, right, Well, it was we were the only ones in the theater.

Ah, oh really, cod, so we kind of just.

Had a dark space to ourselves at the movie playing in the background.

You guys didn't like finger each other in the movie, did you?

No? No, no. I was not fingered during the movie. Nol sart.

Okay, I'm not the cops. You can tell me if you.

Did, oh no, no, no no.

That'd be fun. This would be a funny thing for somebody to be undercover doing. It would work Like if I was an undercover cop. People people tell me crazy things all the time.

Right, what's the craziest thing they've teld you?

Man, I don't even know I've tell you you're the I do wonder what number of person you are that I've talked to on this show. If you're if you're like number one thousand and three hundred and twenty five, that's my guess. Anyway, how's the relationship going?

Now?

What do you guys do together with with your how do you what do you do to spend time with each other?

Well? We work together again at ups now.

Randomly?

No, no, no, no, we actually applied for the job to get it.

Oh that's cute. That's like, that's like a life date. Yeah what I said just made sense. But it's like a life date.

Yeah. Almost. You get to see her at work every day.

Mm hmm.

But other than that, you know, we just do like normal still go out to get some food and stuff like that.

Okay, what how long have you guys been dating for?

It's gonna be three years.

Wow, that's a lot of French fries.

Yeah, we've been dating for two and a half years. And she said hi, she told me to tell you, She said, hi, Well, I it sounds.

It sounds like she wants to talk to me more than you do. I'm down to talk to her. Are you guys in the same room.

No, No, she just sent me a message. She lives. She lives with her parents.

Oh, okay, ask her, ask her if there's anything that she wants me specifically to talk to you about it? Because it was considering it was her idea to have have you told me she's.

Watching you live, so you know, I don't know what she wants me to ask you. This is pretty cool. I've never been on a show before.

So she made a message in the chat she said, I do Okay, what is it? I want to know what it is that she wants me to talk to you about.

Let me ask her?

Okay, what did she say?

She's not asked her. She wants to join the call.

But i'd also join the call to have her call. Do you know how to merge a call? Have her call you and then she can merge the call.

Okay, I'm having her call me right now.

All right?

Just a I've been how long you've been doing this this show?

I've I've been doing this for about as long as you guys have been dating I've been doing it since June of twenty twenty, so it's been should go a little bit of time. Oh she's here. Hi. Hi, what's your name? I'm Liz, Liz. What's that up? Liz? Apparently you you had something in particular that you wanted to talk about.

Dude, I've been watching you every single night. I'm obsessed.

Oh thanks, man, I appreciate that.

Can we talk shit about my boyfriend's mom?

Can we talk about your boyfriend's mom? What? What? What is upsetting you about your boyfriend's mom?

So, like, I have trouble. Okay, a long time ago, I would let people step on me right, and now I don't. But like if I let someone step over me and I don't say anything about it, I hold like a really hard grudge. And that's what that's what happened. Like, let's just say it's not been very nice to me. Me her h, my mother in law hasn't been very nice to me, and so like I don't say anything to her, you know, because I want to keep the peace.

But in what way? In what way is she not nice to you?

I would like give her right places, and like one day.

She decided to like I could tell she didn't want.

Me to go over to her house, but she realized I could do her a favor of taking her somewhere, and so I was nice enough and I did. And as soon as I took her home, she started like indirectly calling me a wore?

In what how does somebody indirectly call you a whore?

Feels like I'm tired of these girls being in my house and little girls as in a whore. She was saying the word horse, and like I was.

She she said, I'm tired of these horrors being in my house. Referring to you.

Yeah, I mean I was the only girl in there directly to her, but I mean it was obviously directed to her.

Did you tell? Did you? What was your response to your mom calling your why are you married wife soon to be your fiance a whore?

Well? I couldn't really say much, but it kind of just got her out of the situation. You know, we left my my fiance and I left the house. But the thing is with my mom is like if you if you try to argue with her, it's like arguing with a wall. You won't win, you know what I mean? And I told her that's not cool because she's like that in the past. But it's like it's like talking

I feel like you, Well, I look, did you tell your mom, hey, don't call my girlfriend a horror? Did you try?

And then she's like, she says, when I told her that, she said, I wasn't calling her whore? What if the shoe fits? Wear it?

And she said she said that.

Yes, I swear to God, no fucks given.

Why dude, why is your mom? Why is your mom so mean to your girlfriend? What is the what's the deal?

I think, well, what do you?

What do you think?

I think.

My theory is she like has some like emotional like incest thing going on towards him, like you can't live without him emotionally.

Whoa emotional incest?

Yeah?

Both fellas funny.

Bro, What do you think about your girlfriend saying that you have some form of emotional incest with your mother.

Like, not him, but like her.

That would be one way street. I mean, I can see why she would think that, because it is kind of weird. You know, like she like does anything in her power for me not to leave, and then anytime I do leave, I come back it is just oh see, this is why I don't like when you leave, because I get scared and I get nervous, kind of like a dog that has separation anxiety, you know.

Yeah, no she Yeah, it sounds like your mom is jealous of your girlfriend that she gets to spend time with you, and but I'm there for spending less time.

And anytime I'm home, it's just constant nagging. You know that kind of makes you not want to spend time with person.

Get how old are you guys? There's are nineteen and twenty? Yeah damn all right. I was gonna say if you guys were older. But do you do you rely on your mom for uh financial support?

Now it's actually vice versa.

Oh ship your your mom. You pay for your mom to live and eat food and stuff.

You's like a child, which is kind of irritating.

You know.

Look, man, you guys, you gotta tell your mom. You gotta be like, if you want my ups McDonald's money, you gotta stop calling my ups McDonald's girlfriend of whore, right.

Right right, because I'm mcloving it and it's not.

Cool because you're because you guys are making MC love and it's not cool. Oh yeah, is the Will there actually be McDonald's at your wedding?

I mean there can be, see you know, you.

Know I haven't. I don't like to promise things because I could sit here and pretend to be cool and be like, you know what, guys, I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go to your wedding. But then I would just I would just not do it. So I would rather disappoint you. I would rather disappoint you now than delay then create excitement that will make the disappointment even larger.

Will you at lease come to Dallas again?

Oh yeah, I'll definitely come a Dallas again.

Great, you guys.

Want to If you guys want to get married conveniently around my tour dates for next year, it would definitely help.

Oh my god.

Okay, okay, please please do not please?

You got I got in again in your mind. I could hear you like taking that serious. Don't plan your wedding around my tour dates.

Oh they But I have a question for you. I have a question for you.

What's up?

So what is the best ice cream. I guess you could say menu item and McDonald's.

You know I have best ice cream menu item at McDonald's. Oh, I had a frozen sprite. I don't know if that counts, but at a frozen sprite limonade and that was pretty great.

Oh.

Can I share the secret?

Oh, you have a secret. What's the secret?

Well, I want to share the secret of why the ice cream machine is always broken.

Yes, I would love to hear that auto McDonald's gonna get you remember watch it. It's fine.

They put me on fries for like eight hours straight. I can do them. So the ice cream machine is not really broken. It's just like constantly being like cleaned. But the cleaning process takes like four hours literally, so you know, you get lucky or you get unlucky if you come for the ice cream.

Or sometimes the manager just wants to be a base and cleans it early and then just shuts it off and says, don't sell ice cream. They make us live.

Yeah, may are you going to tell your mom? Did it? Stop calling your girlfriend?

Of horror?

Yeah? Moves?

Should you try some of your karate moves? I look, I don't know if you I look, I I I don't know whether or not you actually have karate moves, but I will tell you that in in nothing of what, nothing of anything of any situation you have described to me on this call, UH invites you to use your karate moves. So I'm gonna say no, oh, because.

I was walking a lot of cool with Kay. You know, I actually binge watched it. It's pretty good. Have you seen it?

I mean, unless if you unless, if you want to threaten to beat the shit out of your mom if she doesn't stop calling your girlfriend, which I wouldn't recommend. I don't know if you want to. I don't know if you want to say, if you want to, like set up a little fucking uh piece of wood in between two cinder blocks and be like, stop calling my girlfriend a whoreor Kiyah and then hit it. I think that would help get the message in her brain a little bit more.

Right right, That probably would help. I don't know, though.

Is there anything else you guys want to say to the people of the computer before we go?

No, but I want to say that I love you and I'm going to keep watching you.

Thanks Liz, Thank both you guys, man. I appreciate it. Thanks by the way I look to here's the thing. I go to McDonald's far too much, far too often. And so you guys are kind of like my you know, when people like support the police, it's like the the blue line you got, I support you guys like it's the the thin the thin yellow line when all when all other options for food at one o'clock in the morning are gone. You guys are the thin yellow line between you know, me and UH and chaos.

Well, is there a limit on how many times we can join? Like, if I try to call tomorrow, will I purposely.

Not be try to call tomorrow, I'll be mad at you don't do that. Thank you guys very much for call. I'll call you. I'll talk to you guys around. I'll see you guys around the universe.

You to take care on the line.

Well, you're like, he's not really be an expert.