Oh ship as well?
Yes, who is this?
Shep?
Like shepherd?
Shep? What's up? Shep? How you doing?
Yeah? I not bad?
How are you hanging in there? How can I get you today? Shep?
Well, I've got kind of a weird story. So my ex girlfriend tried to brainwash me with ayahuasca, but I kind of knew that she was trying to brainwash me, so it didn't work. But through the process of ayahuasca, I kind of got real in touch on myself and I figured out that I was still in love with her cousin who I met when I was six.
Where should we start with this? So she tried to like did she did she drug you?
No?
So we were in a long term relationship. It was pretty imbalanced.
It was like a very toxic relationship.
But I shouldn't have been in and it was all kind of falling apart. I kind of had enough of it, and she's just a retreat and she'd already had like an ego death on MDMA and kind of confessed to all this manipulative stuff that she was doing in the relationship, and that was really interesting.
But then what what kind of what kind of manipulative stuff?
Kind of like emotionally just has her hold over me and kind of everyone else in her family, to be honest, has control of what everyone does, all their decisions, like she had like I can message my friends or my mom without her knowing about her. She had control over what I bought, where I went, what I did. It was kind of crazy.
So yeah, so she had this ego death.
On MDMA and realized she was doing all of this, which was really interesting. But then where when it wore off, she kind of started to freak out because she like exposed herself, I guess, and then started trying to paint me out as being some kind of nascist manipulation and stuff, and her craziness sort of ramped up a lot. And yeah, so then she suggested we go to csio Oasca Tree and.
I was open to her because I'd read a bit about.
Her and I thought, yeah, it sounds good. It could be good for me and she might get something out of it, who knows. But then on the plane on the way over there, I was sat on the plane and she gave me a phone to like lock something
down about the flights or something. I don't know what it was, And so I opened up notes, and I saw on her phone this note that said a destabilization, a technique used in brainwashing, and I was like, what's this And she gave me this weird look like she kind of bared her teeth and she was like, oh, that's that's to do with my sister in law sort of thing, and just tried to brush it off, but it was pretty suss and I was just kind of like, okay,
And I mean the noteening about destabilization, like after my aahuasca ceremonies, she was basically like destabilizing as suck. She tried to kind of interrogate me and tell me what all my visions men and time?
What's what's your name again? Man? Yep, sheep, sheep. Let me ask you something.
And I'm not I promise you, I'm not saying this as like a in like a blaming sense. I'm asking you this because I genuinely want to know, like sincerely, how your brain kind of processed all this. But when she told you all these these things and ways that she manipulated you, and how she was trying to keep you from your friends and you know, your family and and and all this stuff.
Why did you what stopped you from from from leaving.
So it was a really codependent sort of situation. So a lot of the relationship I didn't feel like I could leave, goes very isolated. But at the same time, I felt like I'd seen something good in her that I kind of wanted to get through to. And kind of the plot kind of thickens because by this point, I think we had our son was like a year and a half old.
Oh you guys have a kid together.
Yeah, yeah, So I was really trying to get through to, you know, the good and her to try and sort things out and to try and help the situation.
Mm hmm. Okay, So what happened to retreat?
So I was there, her cousin was there because her cousin and her cousin's partner at the time went out like two weeks before us. But then her cousin decided she wanted to stay while I was there with my doctic minipestive partner. So it ended up being me and
my partner and her cousin as a retreat. And this is her cousin who I've known since I was six years old and who kind of introduced me to the whole situation, and yeah, it was basically her interrogating me after every ceremony, trying to tell me what it all meant, trying to make sure that I was blaming my family for all of the but I kind of could see what she was doing, so it didn't really work.
Oh my god.
Still that's still man, that sounds like a complete nightmare, being on being on an intense psychedelic drug while someone's trying to like fuck with your understanding of reality. I mean, that's that sounds awful.
Yeah it was. It was kind of a lot to hold on to, but I managed to. I mean I had a fucking amazing experience, and if I'm honest, it was like the best thing I've ever done. Yeah, I like an even.
With like all this like shit, Yeah.
Because it kind of has a way of just cutting through all the bullshit and you just get right down to the core of you, like no matter what's going on. And I was there, like I really wanted to just work myself and get what I could out of it. So, yeah,
it was amazing. I had like an exorcism. I was talking to aliens, trying to save the world, like I saw the spirit world like loads of crazy shit happened was amazing, and yeah, I'd love to do it again, but I mean, this will happened like six years ago now. And so basically we got back after the retreat, it was pretty clear it wasn't going to work out. We were living abroad in France, so I moved into a flat down the road, like an apartment down the road,
so I could still be close to my kid. But then she cut me off from him and said that I can't see him anymore, which like I mean, she helped me move out, and then she said that I abandoned him as soon as I moved into this apartment and said that I can see him anymore. And so right, okay, So I ended up moving back to the UK, saving up what I could to get a lawyer and go to court get access to my kid, which I got.
But it was actually after I had moved out and I was doing like a lot of meditating and using what I'd learned at the Southwesca retreat, and I had a small amount of MBMA that I took and it all like hit me, like slapped me around the face that I had all these underlying feelings for her cousin who was this that I met when I was six years old, And I told them, I mean, I told my ex first.
I said, look, I've realized.
I've got feelings for your cousin and she said, well, I don't give a shirt, go and tell her them. Fine, so it's okay, And I went and I told her, and at first she didn't believe me. She just thought I was just trying to say it to be a dick or trying to hurt my ex partner. But throughout the course of the conversation I kind of managed to convince her that I really meant her. And then so my crazy X goes, all right, well, why do you figure out how you feel about him? Then? You know?
And so she started trying to figure it out and talk to me about it, and it felt like we were really starting to get somewhere and really kind of figured out that there were feelings down and she didn't know what it meant yet, but she said, well, I'm going to go and tell her that there's feelings there. And I said, I don't know if you should just go and tell her, like this probably needs to get attacked or whatever, but she was like, no, no, trust me,
It'll be fine. So she went and told Mike crazy X and she flipped. She was like, she screamed in her face, I want to rip you in half. And yeah, so this girl I mem I was six, she just like suddenly became she kind of retreated, became very confused, and she said basically that actually, well they both started trying to convince me that I was confused and actually I had feelings for the abusive person i'd just broken up with.
And this was all six years ago.
Yeah, yeah, this was six years ago.
And I actually just recently, just a couple of weeks ago, because I had a girlfriend last year and I tried to move past the situation and sort of just get on with my life and I still see my kid when I can, but I realized kind of recently that those feelings are still there, like I don't have closure because of how it all ended, it didn't feel like
we actually got closure. So I emailed this girl I met when I was six, because I still have an email address, I don't have a phone number, and I explained I still had feelings for her and I felt like I wanted to meet and talk to her.
How recently, did you email her like two weeks ago?
Okay, did you respond?
Well? No, And I don't know if she got it or not. But I don't see why she would have changed her email address. But the thing is if she got because she lives They lived together as soon as I moved out, this girl that I grew up with when I was six moved in because my abusive X always needs like a passional assistant to run around and do her all the cleaning.
And cooking and stuff.
So they lived together, and they probably would have both were the email. And the fuck knows what's going on over there. It might have caused a ship storm, it might not.
How long How long has it been since you've seen either of these people?
So when I go and see my son, to be honest, she normally sends my son out with She had two children from a previous relationship, and she usually sends her daughter out with my son, so I see her. So I haven't seen the girl I grew up with for a couple of years, and it's probably been about the same sort of time with my abu selector as well. I've just seen my son.
I pick him up outside the house.
How old your son tank.
Hold you, I'm thirty seven.
Mm hm, And how's everything going with your kid? Because it because I mean, god fucking damn dude, this situation is it was insane. It was insane if you didn't have a kid, and having a kid in between it makes it like a hundred times some more.
And so she's basically, since I moved out, convinced him that I don't actually love him and I'm pretending to love him to hurt her, and he's kind of seems to be buying that story. So the last few times I've seen him, he's fully been I mean, it's weird because we've still got we were really close up until I moved out when he was three and a half, Like we were super close. We get on really really well,
and that's still there. But then you can see where him having to live in his mum's story all the time is messing with him, because yeah, he'll he'll say that he doesn't believe I actually love him, and yeah, I don't know. So it's it's tricky understanding what I can do, and I'm trying not to because obviously she's painting her whole story out to him, and I'm obviously trying not to paint my whole story out to him
because I think it's it's messed up. But at the same time, when you're in a situation when you know they're being told all of that, so well, I'm supposed to do. So I'm trying to be there and keep contact with him and keep seeing him, keep spending time with them, having fun. But I mean, I don't get phone calls with him too often. Now he's got a
phone number, but I'm not allowed at She's. You know, she and her whole family talk to him on the phone, but for whatever reason, she won't give me his number.
And I assume that your custody agreement looks something like she spends. He spends most of his time over there, and you get to see him occasionally.
Yeah, I get to see him for half the school holidays, for any weekend of any month. I can go and see him, but I need to give them a month's notice.
Basically, did you have to go through a kind of a crazy court battle.
Yeah, in France with a French lawyer and translator and everything. It was expensive and it was long. Yeah, it took about six months. But got down and go to see him again.
God damn man, how you doing.
Yeah, I'm actually okay. This year, I've actually been starting to feel pretty good with myself, and I think that's why I sort of got to the point of thinking, actually I need closure rather than just not being sure what to do about it and being in loads of pain and just you know, not knowing how I can move along with my life.
Well, man, I mean your closure is like you you can never I mean you know this, man, like you can never. You know, closure something you've got to give to yourself, right, because if you if you need closure from this cousin or or this X, you're never going to get it because you can't. You can't make other people give you closure. You can only give it within yourself.
Yeah, I get that.
Yeah. I think by emailing her, I just wanted because she probably would have had no idea that I did still have any kind of feelings because I didn't really, I didn't give that impressional give much away over the past years. I mean at the time that I saw her two years ago.
Or whatever, the girl I grew up with, I barely spoke.
To her, you know. And it's because I mean, she said a bunch of messed up stuff stuff in the whole court battle. I mean, she she submitted to call that I shouldn't see my son ever again, the skirl I grew up with. But I mean, I know that's not her. I know it's coming from my ex. So I don't know. It's a tricky one. Like I had all these mixed feelings about it all. But when I actually get down to the court at all, you know, she turned up on my door step. I invite her in.
Straightway, But are you talking about your cousin, I mean, not your cousin that No, you don't have a crush on so your ex's cousin.
Yeah, yeah, And I guess I wanted her to know that, just have the opportunities in that actually, you know, if she didn't want to get out of the.
Well look look look, look, look give with me.
Give with me on this, Give with me on this, because this is what I want to know.
What I mean.
First of all, I'm really sorry to hear that you're you're in such a precocious situation with your son, because that's I mean, that's that's that's that's brutal, that's really brutal. I'm sorry that you're dealing with that. I want to know this, Who's who else has you got in your life right now? Do you are you dating someone else? Are you going out on are you trying to form a new relationship?
Do you have friends?
Like?
What? What? What does your support system look like outside of that?
Yeah, I mean I've got friends around me. I was in a relationship for all of the last year, but I think it was at the tail end of that relationship had the niggling feeling about not having closure. It wasn't just that there were lots of reasons the relationship didn't work out. But yeah, I mean, I've got my family will live pretty close by. I've got friends that go skateboarding with, you know, go down the partner hang out and you know, of court, some good mates.
So yeah, it's okay.
It's not like I'm on my own and I'm just suffering this dark room or anythink.
So No, my life's okay.
I'm enjoying my job. I'm a youth support worker. I work with teenagers and that's really rewarding. So things are going pretty good. I'm feeling pretty positive, and I think I just wanted to see it if I could get closure, and I know what you mean. I mean, you can only give closure to yourself, but I want to give it an opportunity before I go, Okay, you know what, I'm just going to leave it all behind and move on with my life.
It's hard. I get, I mean, I get it.
I get why you want closure, and I get why you feel like you I get why people feel like they can't just give it to themselves. But it's a really powerful feeling when you kind of when you do throw up your hands and go, I can only I really can only give myself close to this thing. You know, you kind of you kind of like relinquish this desire for control over this thing that you fundamentally have zero
control over. And then yeah, and then weirdly, you you regain control, you know, because it's within it's within your control to accept you have no control, and that makes you feel a little bit more powerful over this otherwise powerless position.
Yeah. Yeah, I do get that, and I think, you know, I could definitely, I know I'm going to be feeling optimistic about moving forwards my life if I do, you know, just get to a point where it's like, you know what it's done in the past and move forwards.
But yeah, I guess it was just.
Figuring out, but I still have feelings there. It was just like, all right, well, I'm just gonna reach out and just check in one last time.
But all I mean, I mean, you know, all things considered, the fact that you seem like you're doing pretty well with this this crazy situation is I'm very impressed by. You know, you didn't let it crumble you or you know, you're not the fact that you're not sitting in a dark room thinking about your your cousin and and all
this not your guy. You don't know why I keep calling this woman that you are are attracted to, I don't know why I keep Yeah, I mean, it's also good that you're not sitting in a dark room thinking about how much you love your cousin. Whether this woman's cousin or your cousin, it's good that you're not sitting in a dark room thinking about either.
Yea, So I mean, good, good on you, man.
I mean, just the fact that you're able to live a happy life despite some pretty miserable circumstances is something that I'm very I'm very impressed by.
Thanks man. Yeah, it's taken a while. What didn't help a lot, but I was using it to cope for the first few years is I was smoking a bunch of weed. But I stopped doing that and it's really helped me to start being a lot more positive about everything.
So that was a while.
Agoing out I stopped. But it's definitely a good call as much of the fields like it helps, like in the moment, long time, take a picture and help anything.
So tell us, I mean before we go, tell us anything else like that, anything else, what else has made you feel you know good in your life despite all this. For anyone else listening who's like, you know, maybe they're going maybe they're in the you're like in the uh, you've like you know, in the in the final stages of like dealing with this stuff, and it sounds like you've been able to process it pretty well.
What's your advice or what's worked for you.
To anyone else who's maybe dealing with some crazy shit, I would.
Say, listen to yourself, trust yourself, forgive yourself. You can only do what you can do, and you know what is not helping you, so just don't do it. Just stop and that stuff and eventually you will start to get in tune with what you feel like you need and what you feel like you want to do, and just keep listening to that. And thanks can be okay. Thanks always turn around, thinks always get better.
Well, Shep, Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?
No, I think we pretty much cover it. I just think it's crazy that you actually called and we got to talk to you about this. I was fucking nervous at the beginning of going in my life. Yeah, man, no, it's cool, and yeah, everyone has a good day.
Hey, take care of Shep, and good luck in all of your future endeavors.
Nice one, Thanks getting Yeah, take care man.
Man, that was a wild one. Although I just I really do. I mean, that's such a such a difficult situation. I want to say I respect them and optimism, I really do. I respect his optimism and the fact that he seems like he's doing pretty well despite all other things.
And not just now, but even like when he's telling the story about how someone's trying to brainwash him while he's doing ayahuasca and like I said, that sounds horrible and he's like, no, it was such a great experience, and I'm like, it's some mental resilience being shown by this guy, so props to him. Maybe it's a British thing.
I think that was the first call I've had with a British person where for a full twenty minutes I didn't interrupt by saying something about English McDonald's or something like that. So, you know, props to me for that and thanks for calling Shep. Hey, folks, this is Lyle. I am very excited to announce that I am going back on tour in twenty twenty four or to do
Therapy Gecko Live all across the country. If you've never been to one of my live shows before, they are extremely fun, unpredictable, wild evenings that involve a mix of group Gecko therapy sessions as well as some material and presentations from myself. And if you've been to the show before, I have new presentations and will of course be interviewing new people. If you're a fan of the podcast, you're gonna have a great time at the live show, so
I hope to see you guys there. Go to Therapy geckotour dot com or check the link in the episode description for a full list of cities where tickets are available. Also, if you don't see your city on the list of cities, please still click the link and RSVP with your phone number so I can contact you when tickets go on sale for your city, because I'm going to announce a bunch more dates very soon.
Geck Bluss.
Hello, Hello, no fucking way? Is this wild?
Yeah? Who is this?
Oh my god? This is Nadia?
Nadia? What's going on? How can I get you today?
Oh shit? Well, first of all, I'd like to say I went to your live show in Orlando last week.
Oh bomb.
Oh yeah, it was really cool. Honestly, it was my first live show with you, and it was way better than I expected it to be. And I even I took my dad, and my dad's like a sixty year old old buff Republican that likes World War two ship and he loved it.
Dude, really, that's so awesome. Actually had a good time.
Yeah, yeah, it was really cool.
It was.
It turned like, the turnout was way better than I expected it to be, and I honestly like, and I went with a couple of high school friends too, and they we just weren't expecting what was going to happen. So we came in with no expectations at all and it was just like boom, mind blown. So it was really cool.
Well, god damn, thanks Doddie. That makes me feel really good. I've had there are some dude, I swear to god, I've had some shows where I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm like, oh fuck, like it'll just keep me up at night, you know.
But uh, really was that one?
But that show?
No, I think that I think that one went well. I think that one.
I mean I always always hard on myself, but I think I think that one was fun. I'm trying to think with the highlights of that were not to bore the listeners with. I mean, I guess this whole thing. I guess this is just an impromptu ad for my live show. But uh, what was the highlight of the Orlando?
Who was?
Who do you remember from that show?
I'm trying to always always remember the girl that was wearing the pickle Grick costume with the with the eyeball hat, like, yeah, like her story was pretty sick. But honestly, besides that, I mean, I don't know if I'm allowed to say, oh.
No, don't don't don't don't spoil anything that I don't talk about anything that I said.
I don't want to spoil it anyway. We can still stop talking about my show? How can I? What's what's up with you? Man?
So recently, I just got out of a, in my opinion, a pretty toxic and kind of abusive relationship with the guy that I met at a sex club, which I mean, if I meet a guy at a sex club, that's immediately a red flag. But I mean I immediately, like really fell in love with him, like head over heels, and I kind of just kept putting off the red flags until it's kind of like too late.
Though.
When I finally cut it off, I felt so alone. I mean, I live alone. I I'm going to college alone. I'm twenty two and I'm living alone for the first time, and I it's like the first time in a while that I've that weekends have come along and I had like no plans. I don't have anybody to see. I
don't talk to anybody. I don't have a lot of friends at school, not because I don't want to make friends, but my school is just so oriented around studying and doing shit school stuff like I don't really have time to even make friends. So I've kind of just been on a binge on dating apps, which I've kind of always told myself that I didn't want to do because I mean, I don't really think that real love is found on dating apps. I feel like it's just found
naturally out there. But I just feel so lonely, like I don't know what else to do. I even went to the club by myself, and I mean I didn't have a bad time, but I was literally just on my phone the whole time, Like I don't really know, you.
Know, well, you know, I mean, I'll say this, I struggle a lot with loneliness myself. Vice made a whole twenty minute documentary about how sad and lonely I am.
So that's a thing.
So I don't know, this is this is a thing that I am. I am trying to hack myself. I will say about the dating apps though, is people people will say that like real you know, they're they're fake or whatever, But that dating app is is just like a person is a person, you know what I mean. A dating app is just a dating app is just a way to make it so that you can meet more people. The people you meet on the apps are
not necessarily reflective of the app experience itself. It's reflective of those people you know.
Right, and you know and that you're exactly right, because I mean, I have a high school friend that married a girl like met off of Tender, So it's just like it's totally possible. But I just feel like I'm putting myself out there to so many people. It just kind of feels weird, like I've never been I'm not like an introverted person, but I'm also not that extroverted place.
Kind of just feels like, especially on Tender, just like you know, Tender is the app for people that just want to fuck and I can't even do that.
Well okay, well again again. I mean people say that they're like, oh, Tender is the app for people just want to fuck, but I you know, I have I have. I have a couple of really good friends who are in like long term relationships from Tender. The app, the apps, the people apps are just like fucking services that connect people. It's it's the actual relationship you have with the person once the app has connected you to them, is reflective of the person itself and reflective of view, you know
what I mean. Yeah, so, but anyway, that's you know, I guess like.
I don't know. So you say, this is your first time that you've been.
Alone in Are you like a serial monogamous as they might call them.
No, not necessarily, But I've never been into like polyamory or like you know, doing before. When I got with this toxic relationship guy, I was sleeping with him and then also sleeping with another guy, and it was kind of like I was talking to a couple of guys and it was that. But it always just seems to fall to one person. I feel like I'm just more
comfortable with one person. I feel like talking to a lot of people and sleeping with a lot of people at the same time is kind of a lot of work, to be honest, and I don't really have a lot of time to do that either. I mean, I'm a pilot. I just got my pilot's license, and I'm doing training at school and I go to school Monday through Saturday, so it's kind of hard to keep up with a lot of people at the same time. Yet I don't have I feel like I don't have enough people. I
don't know that doesn't really make sense. I guess really contradict you.
When you went into the when you so you went to the club by yourself and you you did you like try to talk to anyone there?
Absolutely not. No, I did not talk to anybody there because because I couldn't find anybody that was alone. If I could have found somebody that was alone, I could have probably you know, went up to them and been like, Yo, what's up? I like your shirt?
Or were you and were you?
Were you there like looking like what do you have a mission? While you were there? Where you want to meet people?
What was your mission?
I was gonna get somebody's number that night. My mission was I'm going to try and get somebody's number that night. But literally it was a Friday night, Friday night before actually last Friday night of spring break before. I guess I was saying Patrick's Day. So yeah, it was last Friday. So everybody was with a group or a partner. And one of my biggest fears of like walking up to a guy or something is like they're with their girlfriend
and like some bitches out here are crazy. Okay. I don't want anybody to get my wrong idea because my first intention is always make friends first, and you know, like do whatever adult shit later.
But yeah, do you know how many do you know how many single guys go out to the bars at the clubs at night and just and wish that someone would come talk to them.
Yeah, and I would have totally done it, But it's just like everybody was paired up or in a huge group, so it's kind of weird. Maybe I just maybe I should have just gone to the bar instead of a club.
I like, I like your way of thinking, like putting yourself out there. I mean that's uh, it's like going out alone to a bar or a club and like walking up to a group of people and like introducing yourself.
But that takes a lot of a lot of balls.
But also it's like, dude, secret I know you're like in your head about it, but like, secretly, isn't that what everyone wants?
Isn't that what you like?
Like isn't that why you go out to the bar and the club to like have an experience meet new people? Like you're actually when you walk up to a group of people and you you or a stranger when you start talking to them, you're you're in a way you're like doing them a service, you know, like because you're because you're That's that's what they wanted at of going out is to meet new people and experience life. I mean,
I guess I assume that most of the time. I guess some people just want to go out to a bar and only talk to their friends.
But you know, yeah, I totally get that. And I mean I'm, like I said, I'm only twenty two, and I've never really had many experiences with bars and clubs. But yeah, I've been starting to go out more and I hope to go out again, preferably with somebody a friend, just so that I don't feel like so awkward and weird about it. But I feel like I could totally
go out to a bar and talk to somebody. I would just need to find the right bar because most of the bars around this town are just like only old people or criminals or just you know people.
That I ask. Not what can I ask where?
You don't have to get too specific you want to, but like where what can I ask you?
What city this is?
Oh?
Yeah, Like I live in Ormond Beach and that's a small town right by Daytona Beach. Florida. I guess like the world world's most famous beach, but it's it's really just a tourist town for whenever Bike Week or October or October pest come along. It's like a motorcycle town. And then obviously there's the College of Daytona State here
and my college. But it's really small. There's like really like pretty run down to tourist town, a lot of homeless people, a lot of drug addicts and shootings and whatnot. It's not really really that unsafe, but I mean, shit happens everywhere you go.
I mean, I think you got the right idea, man, putting your putting yourself out there, trying to make friends, because that's the thing.
That's what I've realized is.
No one's gonna hand you your life on a silver platter, you know what I mean. You actually have to go out, whether it's the bars or the dating apps or whatever, and you actually have to put yourself out like your you know, your perfect boyfriend or girlfriend aren't just gonna and your group of friends. They're not just gonna appear in your lamp. You have to actually like go do a bunch of fucking work. It sucks maybe it doesn't suck. Maybe it's good. I shouldn't say it sucks, and it
sucks a lot. I'm not gonna deny that it sucks.
I really do.
I really try to be positive and optimistic about things, but god, it sucks.
It sucks. You have to do work.
It would be so nice if everyone was just born with friends and uh fucking h romantic partners and all these things. But you actually have to go out and you not only you not only listen how crazy and fucked up this is. You not only have to go out and find and make connections with other people, you also have to like improve yourself and shit to like make it so that other people want to be around you. It's fucking exactly, it's a whole fucking things, and exactly it's constant.
You have to do it constantly. You don't just do it once and then you're cool for it. You have to always be fucking working on yourself.
You have to you have to like stay in shape so that you're like physically attractive.
You have to do all these things. It's such a nightmare.
Yeah, but you know what, like that aspect isn't even that hard for me. My, my issue is finding people that are up to that standard, up to you know, wanting to constantly improve, wanting to like that strive on personal growth, that are working on goals that you know, And I understand people getting ruts, Like I'm in a rut right now. I'm my apartment is a fucking mess after that breakup, and I haven't done my dishes in
like over a month. But like I mean, I'm still going to school, Like there's still the things that are more important than doing my damn dishes. I live by myself. It would be different if I had somebody living with me. That would be kind of.
Gross, but like I mean, it's still gross. But what I mean is like I've always been with like I guess babies, they don't like these guys don't want to improve, and it kind of just feels like they want to take advantage of what I have. It may not it may not be like directly that, it might be indirectly that which just like, uh, the last guy I was with, I don't even know why I was with him.
He well, I know I was with him. I was with him because I always see the good in people, and I feel like he really had the potential to be a better person. But he didn't have a high school diploma, he couldn't keep a job, he lived with his parents. Like, he didn't really benefit me in any way besides the potential of getting better. And I don't know why I'm so attracted to that. If he could get better, I can be there for him and that
would be great. Like I love the idea of growing with somebody, but he can't always grow with somebody.
I guess you know.
It's this brings up some stuff that I was actually I was actually talking to some friends about this recently.
Is this.
Well, okay, I'll say this first. Uh, I think this is a realm of life. It's it's it's at these two things kind of tie into each other. The idea of like being picky when you're selecting your romantic partner, and how that is like can sometimes be good and sometimes be bad.
I think it's a good thing.
I mean, this is an important fucking part of life, and if you're not picky enough, you will waste a lot of time and energy and emotions. And what I was gonna say, I've been talking to my friends about this, is this weird dynamic between like the two schools of thought in relationships, which are do you search and search and search and be picky and be picking and be picky until you find somebody who you're compatible with on like a like almost like one hundred percent or ninety
percent or whatever. Or do you pick someone and fucking make it work and grow together until you make yourselves compatible with one another? And I don't, I genuinely in this is why I was talking to my friends about this is like I don't, I don't know which of those two schools are.
The the quote unquote right one.
And then like when if you are in a relationship, like, at what point do you do you go, Okay, this is a fundamental We've we've grown enough or been around each other for long enough that we've discovered these sort of fundamental incompatibilities. Do we a cut our losses and move on until we find someone who's more compatible with us or maybe we've grown in different directions, or do we be fucking sit there and go to therapy and work on it together.
And I don't, I don't know, I really don't know.
See when I was in that predicament, I only had really one person to go to and that was my aunt, because she was really the only person that actually is still currently experiencing what I was going through, a toxic relationship with a drug addict that would beat the shit out of her. And I don't know, like if he's still doing it. She says he's not. She says he's sober. She says that he stopped beating her, but it just
before he actually made the switch. He actually in an invertedly put her in the hospital because he was beating the fuck out of her in her kitchen. She couldn't get anywhere. And mind you, my aunt, she's in Alabama, country girl, redneck who raises like thirty American bullies and has guns all over the house. And for this motherfucker to be able to trap her in the one area of the house that she couldn't get her gun to protect herself is fucking wild. But anyway, like he was
beating her senseless in her kitchen and her dog. He was like on top of her on the floor and her dog was so riled up. At this point he went to go attack her, but she like moved her arm I guess, you know, fighting him, and that dog bid her and it ripped her arm to shreds. It looked like she got fucking attacked by an alligator. Like these photos that I got were ridiculous.
She was beaten by this guy, and then on top of that, the dog bitter.
Yeah, yeah, on top of everything, the dog fucking bid her and would not let go. But you know when the dog bitter, the dude was like, oh my god, what the fuck? And you know he was trying to do whatever. Literally all he needed to do was get a belt to wrap around her arm so that she wouldn't bleed out. And the motherfucker was wearing a belt the whole time. But you know, everybody was so freaked out,
like they didn't really know what to do. But eventually, like she went to the hospital she had to get the surgery. As soon as I found that out, like I went straight to Alabama, drove the seven hour drive down there, and I stayed with her for like a whole week with my other brother to like just taking care of her. And the dude wasn't there. The dude was out of the house and whatnot. And that was
when they really broke up. And I was like, Twitter, God, if you get back with this guy, blah, blah blah, you shouldn't be having to deal with this. To make a long story short, they're together now and they're doing great. So it's just like I had to contact her and I was like, look, Diana, like this is what I'm going through right now, and you're the only other person
that is semi close to what I'm going through. Toxic relationship kind of got you know, physically and mentally abused by this guy, and I'm a little traumatized, but I love him, so I don't really know whether to stick it out or not. And her advice was pretty much like, I don't want to be a hypocrite, but I would be a bad aunt if I didn't say run for the hills, man, like, get as far away from his
as you can. But if you really love him and you really think you can work it out, you know you've got to work not only with him, but with his family. He's got to get sober and it's gonna be hard.
But I.
Can be a hypocrite on one side and say it the other on the other, you know, Ultimately, like I tried to tell him, look, let's just be friends, and it worked for a second, but I had to remember, like before we even got together, we were friends, and he couldn't really even be a good friend like he was. He's too emotionally attached and too obsessed with me to be my friend right now. So that's how that kind of ended. And I hope she's good, but you'll always have those garden.
I hope she's good too.
Man.
Well, I mean, god, damn, I guess it's us.
It's very useful.
That you you got to talk to someone close to you who has been in a similar situation.
Yeah, And I really like her answer too. I mean, she didn't want to be a hypocrite, but she was also really trying to get in with her her situation, and she just made me understand, like, look, if you feel like you have to have your gun on you when you're with him, it's not love. If you feel like he's going to trap you, it's not love. And that's just basically it.
I feel like those are two very accurate states.
Yeah, I yeah, And I just feel like I can't trust I couldn't trust him anymore, And it's really hard when I'm the type of person that loves real hard, cares real hard, and trusts real hard until you lose my trust. If you break my trust, it's going to
be nearly impossible to gain it back. It's going to be years for you to be able to gain my trust back, because it's just like I give it all, you know, and if you break it, especially for no good reason, it's just like it breaks me to the point where I kind of like shut myself out from everybody else's emotions. Apart from that moment, I'm always thinking about other people's emotions first before my own. Well, I
can't say first before my own. I always think about myself first because like I'm my most important person, but you know, I'm just that caring and if somebody breaks my trust then it's it's pretty much over after that. And I feel like so many times that I've had my trust broken, I fear that I'm going to get trust issues and not be able to trust any guy ever. And I don't want that to happen either. I don't want to be that type of bitch. I don't want
to be like the bitch with the trust issues. That's crazy, Like I'm not. I feel like I'm a pretty chill individual, but it's just like at this point, I feel like I'm close to my breaking point in relationships, yet I crave one so badly. I don't want to lower my standards just because I'm lonely, but I don't know how to fill avoid Until then, I'm going.
To tell you.
I'm going to tell you something and maybe uh uh.
Yeah.
You know this whole idea of like.
The longer you go being lonely, the more you'll be like willing to accept a situation that's like below your own standards. You know, that's not a good It's not a good it's not a good negotiating position with yourself. You know what I'm saying. It's not a good negotiation position to be in. Now, how exactly you get yourself out of that situation so that you can be in a better, let's call it negotiating position with yourself and with your life and with the relationships and things you
choose to enter. I'm no expert on that, but I think it sounds like you're doing the right thing by putting yourself out there and by trying to cultivate this like abundance mindset, right because when you go to when you do these things that are are positive for yourself, like go to the you know, get yourself outside of your comfort zone and succeed.
You'll start to realize like.
Yo, I'm actually uh pretty cool, I'm actually uh uh pretty able to find like people that I like, and you will find yourself in a better bargaining position. So but it's hard because you because if you're lonely and like there's an antidote to your loneliness, uh you know, right fucking there. You know, it's sometimes it's like I don't care if that antidote to my loneliness, you know, hits me, Like I just don't want to be alone, right, But you know, and so I understand I understand the.
The the impulse for sure.
But I think if you hold out a little bit longer and you try to develop those parts of yourself that want to, you know, do things like put yourself out there and go on adventures and improve yourself and talk to people and whatnot, and you have fucking hold straw in to it, I think I think you'll find something better than if you had just kind of settled for for something less out of loneliness.
Yeah. Yeah, you're totally right and badass. I don't see why people don't talk to me more often, I think.
Your fucking Top Gun Maverick, Dude, I saw.
That's like my dream, well, my dreams to be an astronaut, but I think becoming Top Gun Maverick, that would be pretty close.
By the way, I'm gonna piss off a ton of people right now. Last night I watched the first forty minutes of Top Gun Maverick, and I fucking hated it so much. And maybe it's because it's it's probably it's probably because I didn't I was like talking about my friend and I were gonna watch it, and he was like, I've heard that you don't need to see the original one like the new one.
Yeah, And that's what I That's what I figured. That's what I figured. I hate.
I probably hated it because I've never seen the original Top Gun and I was watching it and I'm like, I'm sure if I watched the first one.
I would like this one.
But I hated it so much, and my my qualms with it are probably negated by the fact that I haven't seen the first one.
But I was watching it and I was like, this is not how real people.
I just I like movies where like it feels like you're they're real people, and this felt like a movie with actors reciting dialogue to each other and like kind of it was forty minutes. Nothing fucking happened for the first forty minutes. They're in a bar, just like trying to be cool. For like forty minutes, it was just it was painful. But yeah, whatever, a bunch of people are gonna be like, oh, you didn't see the first one. You don't understand this guy, this thing and whatever.
Anyway, you watched the first one and then you watch the second one, you'll understand and you'll really like it because you'll get into the story and the background of everything. Because that bar is very specific to the first movie, and like the whole the songs, the characters, like it all fits in with the first movie. So I would definitely suggest watch the first movie and then give the second movie another chance, like a real chance.
I'll watch the first because I'm all the because the second movie is just like there's a bunch of close up shots of like some sad black and white guy, and I'm like, oh, I guess I would feel sad about this guy if I saw the first one. But anyway, fucking is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer.
Before we go.
Yeah, everybody, don't settle for whatever's out there. Take your time, it's gonna suck. Get a fucking vibrator and go clubbing by yourself and get ridiculously drunk. Make sure you buy an uber and.
Stay safe the fullest.
Take care, Nadia, thanks for calling.
Take care lysle have a good night.
People.
Always forget no matter what, you can always sit at home and jack off and no one will ever be able to take that away from you.
There be KNT goes on the line taking your phone calls every night.
The repine KNT goes doing his eye.
He's teaching you a loud in the liver your life, but he's not ready. An expert