“OUTER SPACE HAS RUINED MY LIFE”

Hello, Hello, Hello, how's.

It going sculling? Good? How are you?

I'm good?

How are you?

I'm good? How are you? How long does you can do this for?

Don't I don't want to do this game? This game always gets boring.

Sorry, okay, okay, that answers that question. What's your name? I'm sorry you just told it to me soon tell me again.

I did not tell it to you yet, but my name is Russ.

Oh, Russ. It says here that you're scared of the sun.

Yeah.

Man, I know this is going to sound kind of ridiculous, but like, I'm honestly kind of legit scared of the sun and a few other things in regards to like space. It gives me, honestly, like an existential dread.

Why do you tell me more? Tell me more about why you're scared of the sun?

Oh? Yeah.

The first thing that I always say to my family that kind of makes them think I'm crazy is that like the like light speed, right, it's really fast, like about three hundred thousand meters per second or something like that. To go to the moon, if you're going light speed, or take about four seconds. But to get to the Sun they would take about eight minutes, but they look the same size in the sky, like the sun is

How how often are you thinking about the sun?

I mean, I I think I honestly think about this type of shit every day. I'm not gonna lie.

What's the what's the first thing you think about typically when you wake up? Is it the sun?

No?

I I no, definitely not. No.

I don't check your phone. Do you check your phone and the when when you first wake up?

Uh?

No? But I do check my laptop. I guess it's kind of the same thing.

What do you first go to on your laptop with at?

What if I said rather it would that be a terrible thing?

No, A terrible thing would be anything that's not the truth.

Well, I'm being honest with you, so I guess read it.

Yeah?

What subreddit do go on is check home?

No?

You know, just browsed popular brows the home brows. You know, if you think Curble Space Program, I like that subreddit.

Okay, so your so your you. The first thing you do when you wake up in the morning is you go to your laptop. You go to Reddit, and you try to find people talking about the sun on a space reddit.

I mean Curbal Space Program is like a video game where rock face and stuff. Yeah do, But like I, I do have a telescope and I am like an amateur astronomer and stuff too, so like this type of but I don't know why, man, Like looking through my telescope has been a thing I haven't been able to do recently because like I just stare into the void of space and I see all like the stars and shit, and just like actually starts to freak me out.

I go ahead, I'll I'll save my shit for the end. Go ahead.

Okay. I was gonna say, like my friends and family know that, like I loved space and shit, but they've all like realized that I haven't been going out with my telescope and taking pictures recently, and it's been a thing that I've been like too afraid to like talk about to them, because like, how do you explain that you're scared of basically the universe. No, I sound crazy.

You're an amateur astronomer, which, by the way, I've never heard a single person ever describe themselves as that. I find that very impressive. You are an amateur astronomer who is ungraid of space. That's like if you were a hot air balloon conductor who was afraid of heights, or an exterminator who was afraid of bugs, or a doctor blood.

Yeah, but I don't get I don't get paid to like look at the stars or anything though.

Right, No, but this is not about money. It's a business what you do. You're an amateur. You describe yourself. No, you describe yourself as an amateur astronomer. That's not a normal thing that people say about themselves. This is what you get from from what I'm hearing, from what I what you're telling me. This is what I think.

You're maybe putting too much weight onto the onto the two words amateur astronomer. I just kind of like use that as like a descriptor for like people that like to use telescopes and like your research on what they're looking at and take pictures on a scale.

Well, Okay, well are you Are you an amateur astronomer or are you a guy who owns a telescope.

To me, they're one and the same, because it's like saying a musician is someone that can own a guitar.

Right.

Ah, Man, I'm really sad now, I'm sorry. Yeah, you disappointed me a lot. I thought you were an amateur astronomers astronomer, no, I will.

I don't write down like numbers and do calculations and like all that type of stuff, but like I I would have when you go on to like the subreddits, everyone talks about how they're amateur astronomers and they just like take pictures of stuff. I don't know, that's what I thought they were called.

So, uh, at some point there was a little stretch of time where you were really into space but not yet afraid of it. What did that look like?

Excitement? I guess like I would go out like every clear night that I had the chance, you know, like taking taking pictures of uh, like I don't know any names right now, man, I'm kind of nervous.

I'm sorry.

Uh, some some of the terminologies escaping my brain. But like I would take pictures of like I know that Andromeda Galaxy is a great one. For example, it's one of the most stamous ones. Some of the nebulas, I don't know. I get excited about looking at the stars and looking at the moon and things like that, but over time it just started like creeping up on me, like that the distances between these things and the sizes of these things and compared to me, like I'm just so tiny.

You're nothing. You're nothing, You're nothing.

But it's like a tiny speck man floating on another tiny speck in the grand scheme of the universe. And I think I spent too much time thinking about.

It, Like, imagine how small our brains are. We are nothing. We are tiny, insignificant little bugs. And if a giant thing wanted to come down here and kill us all, he would be well within his right to do that, because whatever it would be, it would be bigger and smarter, as much as we're well within our right to kill a little ant. You know, that's so much we suck in our nothing.

I just think that, like I feel as a human and being brought up in modern society, I feel like more humans need to kind of have like kind of a similar feeling to me because I think it's I'm not trying to say I'm anything special or like smart or anything, but like I think, well, you hold on.

You described yourself as an amateur astrologist, astronomy astronomer, astrologist or whatever. But you did that, and you need to accept the fact that you did that. Anyway, go ahead.

Sorry, I'm sorry, Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't I didn't mean to mislead. I didn't mean to mislead.

I forgive you, I forgive I forgive you. It's okay, thank you.

I'm sorry. I kind of lost what I was going to say. I don't I don't know.

You were you were. Here's what you were. You were trying to say that everyone else should be as afraid of space as you are. That's what you were saying. Why do you feel some.

Degree because it's very much humbled me in my day to day life and not being so worried about the small things.

Like yeah, yeah.

Keeped on the floor, like I'm not going to get like up set that I have to clean a puke or something like that. You know.

Yeah, it's what's his name, uh god, Carl Sega. No, it wasn't him. Did Carl Sagan do this or did he just talk about it? Or it's the pale blue dot that photo.

I'm pretty sure, yeah, Carl. I think it was Carl.

Yeah, yeah, I think who cares? But there's a famous picture of a pale blue dot and it's like a little it's like taking a telescope that was taken super super far away and it took a took a picture of the Earth, and the Earth looks like a little pale blue dot, and you're supposed to look at it and go, damn, uh you know that girl not texting me back is nothing?

You know?

Yeah?

I think it was like Voyager one or Voyager two.

That's why, that's that's why, that's why Carl Sagan wanted them to take the pictures because a girl wasn't texting him back and he wanted to just realize how insignificant that was. That's why he took the picture. I don't know if it took, if he asked someone to take it, or if he did do anything. What were you going to say?

I was going to ask if you knew that they took pictures of all the planets and the solar system, like the mejor.

Ones like at one point in time.

No, with a pailblue dot like in the same like a like a panoramic type thing.

I'm not. I'm not an amateur astrologist. So are you? What was I going to ask you? Oh? Okay, I want to hear more about how this has humbled you. I want to hear more about how do you live your life differently now that you've internalized that you don't matter in the grand scheme of the planets.

That is a very loaded question. I think that it's made me honestly more reclusive, and it's made anxiety worse. And even though I think that at the same time people should have like a similar feeling to me about being tiny, I think I go overboard on that and just think about it all the time. So, like, if the way it's affected my life, it's been, I guess not very good. It's been a negative.

Okay, So you're you came to the right conclusion, which is that you don't matter and your incident it's true, it's really a true thing. But you're using that information in the wrong way. You're using it to be anxious. Well, tell me why, why does that make you anxious that you don't matter.

Not so much that I don't matter, It's just that like I'm at the whim of the universe, you know, like whatever, Like just as like stars and planets form and galaxies form, just like through physics, I in life has formed in my opinion, I'm not a religious person through physics, and if God created physics, then God whatever, you know, I don't want to get in that right

Yeah, yeah, no, I mean it's like a fear of not being in control. You're at the Earth.

Swim Yeah, Like I'm just so small and human.

You're like, that's it. You're you're, you're You've come to the realization of your own fragility.

And it's scary, yes, I guess so that at the end of it, it's like I'm I'm so fragile.

I'm so fragile, yea, And.

It terrifies me because like anything could happen, like like anything, and I like literally and why.

Not actually of death?

But why not look at it in a more positive way of like, well, I'm fragile, but uh so is everyone around me, even the most like how even whoever we think is the most powerful person, there's just a fleshy little means like nothing matters, there's no why not why not just be like all right, so I'm gonna chill out, I'm gonna eat my little food. I'm gonna eventually I'll return to the universe is some other thing. But this is my little time in the in the flash.

The thing is though, that that sounds very nice, and I've tried. I'm not gonna presentd like I'm in counseling, gone for counseling, Like, I've definitely tried these things, and like, okay, it's that like every single time I go outside, I look down at the ground and all I can imagine is this huge, gigantic ball underneath me, and I'm just like this tiny thing on top of it. And just like if you were to go into the forest and see a huge bear in front of you, you'd be scared.

What did the counselors tell you? I'm curious what they have to say. They're also fragile, little meat secks.

The thing is is that I haven't even been able to talk about this and counseling because of like so many other anxieties that I have about other things.

Do you do anything you do? You do anything that makes you feel calm?

And okay, I'm a musician as well, and I'm not gonna lie about my attitude and musicians ship. I've taught myself music theory over the past five years. I am a musician. I am not and if you don't think I'm an amateur astronomer, I'm definitely musician. When I use that term so respects respect and when you play music, you feel okay, you feel like you're you're in the flow state and you're not thinking about the fact that you're an ant. Yes, yes, yes, I am only focused on the music.

Yeah, that's one of the.

Things that's uh, you know, cherish that ship, dude, that's the stuff like that is the only it's really the only stuff worth doing. I think there's stuff that gets us in the flow where we're not thinking about the future of the past. We're just in the fucking zone.

I agree, man.

But also there's a lot of stuff. There's a lot, but I don't know, there's a lot of bad stuff that does that for you too, Like Caroin.

I think even anxiety itself is a flow state, but like it's just one that you can't control, you know, that's why.

But that's why people get addict it to heroin is because it puts them in the moment, and that's it's such an attractive feeling, and that's why we chase it with heroin and music sometimes in the same time chasing the dragon. What's your favorite planet?

My favorite planet, I guess I would say Jupiter. Honestly, man, I love Jupiter.

Why you all right, so you're terrified of Earth, but Jupiter is like Jupiter is like, dude, isn't that crazy? Think about how big the Earth is and Jupiter's like, fucking how many times bigger than the Earth.

That's what I'm saying about the Sun.

Man, it's crazy. Yeah, And you look.

At the moon. The Moon's tinier than the Earth, right, and the Sun and the Moon look the same size in the sky, even though like the Sun is like I don't know how many times further away, Like it's it's so much bigger. And that's why I'm terrified, Like, I wow, it's ridiculous.

Think about how small an extra large McDonald's fry is. It's like, it's so tiny, like the super size extra large McDonald's fries. You are getting.

Nothing, like are you talking about in the grand scale of the universe, In.

The grand scale of the universe, you're getting You're literally getting nothing compared to Jupiter. It's so small.

I think that the Way should advertise their next sub as closer to the size of planets and the size of atoms, because technically, I think even though we are very small, we're still like closer to the size of the planet.

And no, you're wrong, no way, are you serious? Is that true? I think so five is a five dollar foot long. I don't know if they still do that. Is a foot long sandwich at subway. I know they still don't do that. I go to subway. I like subway is a foot long sandwich at subway closer to the size of the Earth than the size of a single adam? Is that true?

Honestly, I I feel like that was something I've maybe I pulled out my ass, but I'm curious. Now I'm curious. I feel like it's true. I feel like it's true.

Someone in the comments section can answer this question.

And comment or chat. If I'm totally wrong, you just can bring my ass and yeah, I'm stupid because.

It is, yes realm ream the amateur astrologer astronomer. I keep saying astrologer. I I don't know if that's a word. I think I mean astronomer.

Astrology is like star signs, like I'm a Pisces or whatever.

I think I don't know what's your star sign.

I honestly, I don't. I don't follow that stuff. I don't I don't know. I don't believe in astrology. I believe in astronomy, so I don't follow any of that stuff. I am sorry.

Are you in a relationship of any kind?

No, unfortunately, not.

Do your What are your friends and family think about how terrified you are of the sun?

So I haven't like expressed my like total anxiety about it, but like they know, I have some like existential dread, but like not so specific about like this, like the scale of the universe and planets. But they've all been pretty supportive. It's just it's been it's been difficult to like go outside every day. And I'm not even joking, like I know that that might sound like an overstatement, but like sometimes it's.

Hard to go outside.

So it's been difficult to actually form a bunch of relationships. I only have like a few friends, and most of them I only communicate nowadays through the Internet, so it's a bit difficult.

Brother. What's your name again?

My name is Russ.

Russ. You're a good guy. Russ. I mean, I mean, you're you seem like, uh, you have a you have what I would call a respect for life. You have a respect for life, for life. You have a respect for life, and uh, you seem like a cool guy, uh, doing your music thing, looking through your telescope, doing your amateur astronomy. Hang in there, try your best to not have an existential crisis every time you look at grass.

It's been honestly while now that you say that, like the past like a couple of weeks, it's been really nice weather. I've been sitting outside a little bit more, and I've been looking at like butterflies and like caterpillars and shit, and like it's It's honestly didn't blow in my mind a little bit because I've been spending so much time inside looking at like TV screens and ship for the past like two years or so, i'd say, And it's like looking at grass and looking at trees

Uh. My final message tall the people at home, if I could say one thing, it's get off your computer and go outside and look at bugs.

I agree you're gonna I know how at the end of every phone call you asked, like people their last thing, but I don't even you say a last thing that's I agree with you meant, that's the last thing I would say. Have a good night, Russ, have a good night, Lie, thank you.

I killed an ant? Oh? I uh, there wasn't. I was at my desk and there's an ant, and just instinctively, I didn't think about it, but I killed the ant, and I felt bad because I I'll think about the stuff that me and Russ we're talking about, and it's like that ant is comparatively as big as I am, Like there's not that much difference between me and the ants. And I killed it because for no reason. Really. I mean, if the ant was like another person, I probably wouldn't.

Hello.

To whom do I have the pleasure to whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?

This is Brian. I got a speakerphone for you.

By the way, it makes me. I've been okay. I've been feeling calm. I've been feeling calm. I've been managing anxiety. I drank a melted TwixT bar in a bottle. They sell that. Now. That was my blunder of the day. But I did do that, and I'm glad I did, just so that. It's one of those things where you walk I walk. There's a little place I go to every day for the path. I've been going there every day for a week, and every time I go in there,

I'll just go by bruh. But uh, I wanted to to talk to you about your e bike interest.

My e bike interest. When did I talk about being interested in? I am here's I am interested in being I am interested in e bikes? But when did I When did I mention that?

So I was watching Sorry, let me get back off the speaker. I was watching some of the clips. I think it's from a video posted like two days ago, okay, and I I saw you talking to somebody about them like loving their e bikes, and you're like, I'm interested in an e bike, But dude, I've been riding my e bike. I traded a fucking guitar for an e bike and it's been the greatest trade in my life. Like ship on my e bike. But I got a scar now, so that's kind of cool.

But uh, oh okay, hold on, let's stop right there, because I am very interested in e bikes. I just moved to New York. I don't have a car. I'm trying to get around zipping around with the e bike now, so I've been looking into those. But the one issue I have is that I'm very afraid I'm going to die and get hit by so a car.

Yeah, if you're afraid you're gonna die. If you know what a suran is, do not buy one of those.

Uh.

I don't have a siron. I just I research them because I want one in the future. I know I kill myself on one. Those get up to like fifty miles an hour.

Oh fuck that, I don't need that.

Yeah. Yeah, that's like death trap extreme. But I've got a Super seventy three. It's like a Z one I think it is, and it gets up to like twenty eight.

I have I have had no idea. What you I don't know what you just said. You said it was what the fuck did you just say? You said a bunch of random numbers?

Three? Okay, yeah, so it's a it's like a class too to where it only gets up to like twenty eight miles an hour to where.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, nice. I know. I was, I was, I was. I was on all the websites and stuff, and I researched the little class classes. I saw Class two is the one where it's not it's not too crazy. So I'm looking for a class so like.

Class three, you get pulled over and they'll take it, like, they'll take it and you won't see it again. Class two it's like, I don't even know if they'd even pull you over for it.

Do you need a This is so funny people who are listening to this podcast for the first time and tuning in and then here he bike. Well, all right, well tell me about your life. Where do you ride the sea bike arounds?

So I live in the mountains. I'm in like western North Carolina. So I got I'm at like three thousand elevation, so there's a lot of hills, like up and down. So I got to work on my brakes a lot. But if you're in a flat area wherever you're at, and you're one to the e bike around, it is one worth it because that's even less mainlance than I'm doing.

What do you what's your life like in Western North Carolin? How do you pass the time as you as you slowly die? Uh?

Mostly just doing shit that interests me. I'm probably going camping on Friday, Okay. Uh, I don't know. Man, if you get in that thought loop in like western North Carolina, like what do I do today? You aren't getting to ship because you will just get in that loop of This town is empty, But I find shit to do.

I guess, tell me what a lot did you find to do in in western North Carolina?

So?

Uh, mainly I've been getting into like mycology, like studying mushroom shit cool, and that's been so awesome. I just did so I don't even want to explain it. It's way too much. I did like some genetics on a piece of goop and then put that into a jar. And now that can grow into mushrooms eventually. But I've got some lines name going on my fridge right now. It's about the rude again.

That's cool that you can turn street come into a psychedelic drug.

Oh yeah, it's incredible. I don't understand. They just ship it all around everywhere, Like I could buy like gallons of that shit and it's legal. But whenever I make it go freaky fruit, then it's illegal. So it's weird.

So is that is that how you make a living? Is selling mushrooms?

No? I I do like a personal thing. I don't really want to do wholesale or anything like that because unless it's like a legal one, it's not very fun And I don't really want to go to jail. But that'd be sick as fuck to have like a trailer going eventually where it's just like all legal mushrooms.

Yeah, yeah, that'd be cool. Well what's the I'm you seem all right, let's get into this part. Let's get into this. You seem like a pretty chill guy. Is there anything wrong with you?

Oh?

By the way, by the way, oh you don't have you don't you don't have to tell you no, no, no, you know I was okay, I was gonna say, if you you don't have to dig deep to find something if there's nothing, but oh no, sorry, I don't even tell me. Go ahead, go ahead, I'm sorry. I have the left a little bit, dude, I'm sorry.

Bathroom, a whole bathroom downstairs in my apartment full of clowns. Like if I counted, I think last time we counted.

Where eighty eight.

I swear to God him at a hundred towns, yeah, eachat like in that yeah, oh yeah, what like little little figure dudes like you ever go to Goodwill and you see like Grandma died and they took everything in her house and put it on the shelf. I'd buy the clown ship.

Because the way that you were describing this was not as if you were collecting them. It was if they were in your house, multiplying of their own volition.

I don't even know that the collect once haunted. I'm not even like, I'm not paranormal none of that. I have videos of that shit making noise on its own multiple times. It makes no sense.

What made you want to start collecting clowns?

They started appearing at my Goodwill a lot, and I was just like, who's gonna collect these? So I know there's someone else that had them. But I just started seeing them like fucking everywhere, and I was like, well, there's got to be something behind this. So I just started getting them and I was like, this is a joke, but it started filling up my bathroom kind of like some crazy maniac thing. But I mean, they're on the walls, they're on the floor. I can send a picture if

What is it you like about the clowns that compels you, that draws you into them?

I don't even know.

Man.

I was looking at them today, like just staring at the wall because there's one pictured on the wall where it's just like a ton of clowns they're looking at you. But I was just kind of looking at it and thinking they're looking at me, like I'm the clown, but they're the clown on the wall. I don't know. I feel like there's supposed to be some kind of deep thing with all the clown shit, and that's what a lot of people expect. But I swear to god, I

Well, tell me, tell me more. What you mean when you say that they look at you as though you were the clown?

I don't know, Like I just feel like that's what they're trying to say, is they look like I'm looking at the one it's above the toilet. I try to face them to where they're all looking at you, like if I had a friend come over and take a shit, Like they're all looking at you while you're taking a shit.

Do you ever feel like a clown?

Sometimes it's been getting better, though, it's like it's like off and on.

What what are the times in which you feel like a clown?

I don't even know. I guess whenever I'm in the clown bathroom gotta bend in?

Are you so you believe that these clouds. Sorry, my throat is it's covered in Twis you believe that you're in danger of as some kind? Do you believe you're in danger?

I don't think so.

Do you believe in haunted things?

I don't believe in them until it like looked at me straight in the face. Whenever one was just like, it's one of them's a music box snow globe mixed and it's just sitting like on the ground next to a couple of other ones that look just like it, but like just different music boxes. And that one's just made noises and I haven't fucked with it at all, and I've just gotten home, walked around. I was like, what the hell is that? And it's like just eerily

No, I have a roommate, What do they think of the clowns?

I don't even know. It was it's not even what he thinks about the clowns. It was like the first time his girlfriend went to the clown bathroom because she was like, do you have some deeper psychological issues, and I was thinking, like, no, I just I just think they look funny.

But do you do you think you have deeper psychological issues that have drawn you to clowns?

Maybe, but they're so deep they're not showing themselves. M you want to dig it out for me?

Sure? Yeah, I can try to do that in five minutes. Well, I had no I I asked you, I asked you if there's anything wrong with you, and it doesn't seem like there is. It seems like you actually live a pretty a pretty beautiful existence in western North Carolina. I'm I I like your life. I think I think your life likes you.

Dude.

I'm I'm so excited to meet too. I'm seeing you. I think it's in September or October, whenever you're coming.

Oh yeah, yeah, I'm coming to Charlotte. Fuck yeah. Now when you see me, you can be like, I'm the guy with the clown bathroom.

That's what dream was like.

I'm gonna wake up in a second.

But well, what do you do? How do you make money? How do you live?

I'm uh, I work on computers at my job, so I fixed like MacBooks and ship.

Do you have a girlfriends. Yep, how'd you guys meet?

I met her kind of after high school because I was talking to her while I was talking to the girl that I was dating before. But I just thought that i'd just be friendly with her, and then eventually I just saw that she was a lot of green flags and not many red flags. So I just started dating her. But it's been two years now and it's been amazing. I mean, did she crusade me a fucking clown? If that tells you anything, that's how deep she is in this.

That's very nice. Oh so she's she's supportive of the clowns.

Oh yeah, I mean there's no.

That's really nice. M Well, what's your name? Agin the whole way? I promise I told you I would never forget your name, and I'm not going to. It's Brah. You gave me you said bruh. But I think before that you said Brian or Bryant. Yes, sir, Okay, Well Brian, I don't know what I think. I actually think you might be the first person to whom I could ever say the clowns are keeping you sane? Could I wouldn't be?

Just keep on the wall what you just said, I've got okay, So right now on the wall, we've got one clown that says, I know if you wash your I didn't write these either, I know if you washed your hands or not. That's one clown who hold on the other one says who wrote them? My friend Gabe.

Okay, I thought you were gonna be like they wrote them themselves during the night.

Yeah, that'd be great. Uh yeah. One of them says uh or the second one says, I stay busting and gushing. And then the third one's facing you like as a toilet while you're taking a piss, and it says, maybe it is small, and.

Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with that, Briant. Is there anything you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?

Uh?

I love you.

That's really sweet of you to say, Brian. Don't don't don't change anything about your life. You're living exactly perfectly. Okay, thank you, Lyle, Bye, Brian.

I'll see you soon, see a baby, see you.

Well.

Hi?

Who is this?

Uh? What's your name?

My name is Timmy? What's yours? Whoos list?

Uh? My name is Lyle?

Oh, this is Lyle the Gecko?

Well, Lyle the Gecko? What's up? Timmy? Timmy Turner? Timmy was an average kid? What a sad first line of a song? Timmy was an average kid that no one could understand. It's crazy, isn't that?

Like?

That's like a contradiction, being like, how can how can you be both an average person but also be someone that no one can understand? You know what I mean?

Yeah? No, I get it?

Well, how.

Yeah?

But what do you? How do you get it? Because it's it's directly competent because if if somebody is really average, you would think like their average that means that they have so much in common with ever they experience, the average person's experience, and thus they would be easy to understand. But how in this situation you're both easy. You're both difficult to understand and average, which doesn't make sense. Timmy, what's up? How's life you doing, what's up? What's going on my life?

So my life is doing great. Actually now up until you know, up until very recently started this year, I was massively suicidal, but I had ketamine therapy and therapy doing just great.

Oh okay, slow, slow your role real quick. So you're doing you did ketamine. I had a buddy of mine do do ketamine therapy, and he told me it was like like life changing, like restored his will to live type of shit. And I thought that was incredible because I've never done. I've like I've kind of pussy footed, uh, you know back when I was in college in the universe of like antidepressants, but I haven't dove back into anything like that recently. Tell me about your ketemine therapy experience.

Sure, so, just a little bit history on me.

I had.

I had major an undiagnosed major depressive disorder from basically from high school onward. When I got onto college, I became massively depressed suicidal, in fact, remained that way for about six years. Tried all kinds of antidepressants, exceeded the FDA recommended outpatient DOSAH john one by like thirty three percent something like that. So, you know, I've been through

Wow, that's fascinating. Tell So here's what I want to know. Watch my my my main curiosity. I'll get to that. But what what what did you actually do? How long did you do the treatment for? Well? What was it like?

Right?

So initially, so the initial treatment was across two weeks, six treatments. It was intravenous ketamine therapy. So you go into their office, it's a you know, impatient. They have medical professionals there to make sure you know, you don't die. They get you hooked up to all these different vitals and then they say, okay, we're going to stick a needle in you and then you know, an IV drip

So sele slow down real quick. So you did this one intravenous h session, and that was it. Did you do any other intervenous sessions?

Yes?

I started with six across two weeks.

Six across six across the course of two weeks or two weeks six and then two weeks and then wow, six across across of two weeks. That's extensive.

Yes, yeah, yeah it was.

It was great though.

I had one bad trip, but I recovered from it on the next one, So.

So it did. It did six, It did six across two weeks, and then uh, a booster every eight weeks after that.

Yes, and you still take a day and I get depressed.

Though, and uh, how long is there? Is it a thing where it's like six across two weeks and then you're done or do you go back?

Uh?

So you could be done after Some people do it six across two weeks and they're and you know, Kenemy doesn't work for everybody, but some people they take it and they're done after their first successions.

Wow.

Some people do finish.

Wow.

Now for me, I had the you know, basically honestly the resources continue to do it, and you know, I enjoy drugs, so I keep on. I like doing it and helps me help some mentally, but so you know, and there's a lot of downsides to wh and I could talk.

So let me get let me, let me, let me get to here's my main curios, here's what I really want to know, and here's kind of like it feeds into a battle that I have, uh, in terms of a battle of like what contributes to a human beings happiness and how much of that is internal versus external? So tell me, having found a new lease on life in your in this change in your brain chemistry, what sort of external changes have you been able to make to to your external life as a results.

Sure, that's a great question. So external changes are made as a result of my ketamine usage. So because I'm no longer depressed, and now I've realized that I really wasn't enjoying my job as an engineer. I have a degree mechanical engineering. I realized I was making me miserable. And now I'm going back to school to become a high school mass teacher.

Cool, very cool, And you feel as though ketamine helped you make that decision or come to that conclusion.

Yeah, it helps me view It allowed me to view my life in a much more detached way. In the association is one of the symptoms of ketamine. And it's like, oh, you know, sort of things in life happen to you and you react to them a certain way and allows me to have a new perspective on life where oh, you know, bad weather or not bad climate. You know, sometimes it rains when I get all wet, but I

You know? And what other external changes? What about relationships? Things like that.

I have made an effort to make more friends. I definitely believe that when I was at my lowest, I didn't have any friends. Now I have friends and a support network, and that really helps too.

Has it has it helped you be better in your existing relationships or find new ones?

I would say it has helped. I don't know if i'd say it helped me find new ones. I say it's gotten me more proactive and trying to make myself more available to meet new people.

Uh.

But I'd say my relationship is definitely healthier with my whole family because it used to be several times a week i'd call my mom or my dad and say, hey, I want to kill myself. I think about this all the time every day helped me more or less. And you know they can't do anything because you know, several states away. And now we actually get to talk about fun stuff because you're not constantly worried. All am I gonna offer myself?

It's cool. That's cool, man. What a crazy fucking time we live in. I wonder, I do, I really do wonder, like what the statistics are on like depression and anxiety, like one hundred years ago, like because I don't know, back then, it was like everyone had everyone just worked out in I'm so stupid. Everyone like worked in fields and shit and fucking factories, and it's like when you're assembling bottles of tooth paste, like I don't do you even have time to be depressed or or are you

Oh maybe that's that's careful though, because cocaine and ketamine are not the same.

I was, Timmy, Timmy, I was, I was, I was joking. I was joking.

No, fine, but people at home, ke ket can be addictive. Don't source it yourself and do it yourself, because it's what killed Matthew Perry. So be careful out there. Don't be like, oh I should go out and do what's academy. No, it's addictive and it can kill me.

Oh yes, h yeah you know what. Yes yet, No, Timmy, you're right, uh fucking yes. A disclaimer for the folks at home. Timmy is talking about uh medically induced ketamine therapy. He didn't buy it from a guy in an alleyway, and now he's cured. So, uh, if you're gonna do this, ship, if you're if you listen to this call and you're like, oh fuck yeah, because my brother was telling about ketamine therapy and I was like, oh fuck, I should give

Right?

So?

My, uh my, more, my most realistic dream is that I'm gonna go ahead and be high school math teacher. Want to for the next thirty forty years. There's some other spice of your stuff we want.

To that though, spicier, So what kind of I mean you by the way, you by the way, by the way, that was quite a bait that you just pulled right there. There's some spicier stuff, but we don't have to get into it, right.

Yeah, No, it's it's more or less political. I'm very upset with the current political network, and I'm like, oh, I want to go out and try.

To fix that.

But I don't know if you're show needs to dive into the political stuff. But I'm very passionate. So you might be hearing more from me and about me in my ten years, but we'll see.

That'd be so crazy if you were the president in ten years and I and then this, this phone call makes its way around the internet and it's just me in the video version of this. I'm shirtless. So I hope you become president so that this clip can go viral and everyone can I guess see what my shoulders look like, Timmy's anything else? I say to the people of oh, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

No, sorry, yeah, the people at home be kind to you. Get I didn't pop into the stream. But and there

Thank you, Timmy. That's really really really nice of you to say. I'm gonna I'm going to try to take that into account and and uh and uh not not hate myself. That is very very excited, tim I appreciate I appreciate you man.

Yeah, well, I mean, if you hate yourself, you're in a small company, because I don't think a lot of people hate you.

Thanks man, So thanks man, thank you, thank you very much, Timmy, Timmy. Bye, congratulations man, uh, congratulations on a new lease on life. I know, uh, there's a lot of people out there who are like, oh God, is this it is this life? If this is life, then I don't know.

Uh.

So it's it's glad to hear a story from somebody who felt that way and now seems seems to be doing pretty good. So I'm I'm proud of you, Timmy.

Thanks.

If you can't get Kennmy, get friends, They're almost If you.

Can't get Kennymy and get friends, I like that. Take care of Timmy YouTube.

Thanks for the call.

Good bye. Hello.

Hey, what's up is this?

Style?

Yeah? Who is this?

Holy shit?

My name is Travis.

Well, Travis, what's going on? How can I get you today? Hour's life?

Well?

Life is pretty great?

I think.

Holy fuck, I'm so much more nervous than I expected.

Don't be If you saw the where I'm recording this right now, you would actually think that I am on the run from the law. So this is a lot of pressure stream for a little bit.

I popped in the stream for a little bit at first, and I saw you were half naked there.

I am. I am half naked, the top half, the top half. So you texted me something I thought was interesting. You said that this podcast helped you join the Pokemon card community. How the fuck did that happen? What does that mean?

I recently moved out of my house, well out of my parents' house, into a pretty well, pretty big city, and I found myself in the same problem that a lot of people on the podcast are, which is how to fuck do I make friends? And I kind of was trying to think of all the hobbies and all the things I like, and something I'm really into right

Ah ah ah, that's fucking awesome. That's so sick, dude.

I hear I hear a lot of people.

I hear you.

Saying it a lot on the podcast, because I've been been listening binge listening to them at work, and yeah, I was like, fuck, I gotta do something about this. I can't just sit at home play video games and wonder why I'm not why I'm not going out, or where's all the people at BRO.

I love that. I think that's awesome. I think that because that's what you need, is like uh, is to be a part of some kind of community of people, some ship, and it could be anything.

Right.

Yeah, well that's that's what you've been repeating right there. If there's not already a community, then to create one. And I thought about that too, but I guess that's a much larger step to build something.

But yeah, I want you host, watch, host tournaments.

So I don't even play the game. Funny enough, I never even tried. I only like them for the collectible side of it, you know what I mean?

Yeah, for sure, Well, I mean you could host uh, I don't know galleries. I guess, well there's this.

There's this one guy that now they pretty much all know me pretty good now, and he holds like monthly markets where it's just like a bunch of people getting together and like selling, buying, trading, whatever, and then they have other like meat. Yes, I guess, and it's it's it's fun.

It's a fun time.

It's a pretty good way to spend your Sunday afternoon.

Yeah, I'm actually inspired hearing you say this. I got to go to more Melee tournaments.

That was right. Yeah, I hear you.

I hear you talking about it a lot. I really like Smash Ultimate, but I've never really played the older versions of the game.

Oh you should, I mean Smash Ultimate is is? Uh is for pussies.

I also, like a few years back, I really wanted to get into tournaments, but like I was not in my head, I wasn't good enough, I guess, So I never I never went out there.

No, you're oh, what good enough for for Ultimate or for for Melee?

No, for Ultimate back when it came out like a few years Yeah.

But ultimately you can go to an isn't You can go to an Ultimate tournament and just like fuck around, you know what I mean? You can't. You can't go to a Melee tournament and fucking around because you'll just it won't be fun, you won't like.

Be able to play because what people playing Melee are extremely serious about it.

Is that what you're trying to do well, because I mean I'm gonna get granular about Melee because this is my fucking podcast and I can do whatever I want and so well. In Melee, it's like there was literally like the skill gap between people who know how to play the game and people who don't is like huge, Like there's literally like a tech skill that if you don't know, oh, you just can't play the fucking game.

Yeah, for sure.

Well I'm happy to hear that you you made some friends. Bro, this is great, This is so cool. I'm inspired by this. I gotta take my own advice. I gotta run out. I got to do something.

Who knows And there's there's a bunch of other things that I want to do that like not only you, but people on this on this podcast inspired me to like like I want to keep I want to start to play piano again because I was taking lessons when I was like, I don't know, twelve thirteen or something like that, and I should really pick it up again. And I really want to go play badminton again because I had a good thing going where it was a bunch of tournaments and again you make a bunch of

I guess, well, what's your name again, cowboy Travis?

That's right, who you remembered?

Who's Who's your favorite Pokemon?

My favorite Pokemon? I really like Noyburn. You are you into Pokemon at all? Like you know Pokemon?

Dude? What the fuck is Noyburn?

It's like a.

Bat with the ears and it's like kind of detects noise or something. I think it's pretty cool.

It's like a dragon bat.

A dragon bat saying, when do.

You expect Pikachu?

I I guess, uh, I don't know. I mean the last time I looked into Pokemon, they're they were doing fucking uh like they were making chairs into Pokemon. Yeah, like chair chair Mond or they made they made a chandelier and do a Pokemon and I was like, all right, yes, a Pokemon.

CHANDELOUI is stick though, CHANDELOUI is stick.

I'm sure he is. I'm sure he is. Travis. Anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?

Yeah, yeah, I think everybody you you also, and everybody listening. I think everybody should have a more more positive mindset when going out there and just you know, of everything, because there's I feel like people are just people sound sad and sound you know, you know what I mean.

You gotta you.

Gotta be be grateful, I guess for being alive. And I always tell myself that it could always be worse, And whenever I had a I had a ship day, I just tell myself, well, I could be in a car crash right now, and I think it helps me go through the day a little bit better.

Well, who's the therapy gecko today? Good luck, Travis, take care man? Yeah you doing Hello, folks, it's Lyle here. That's the end of this episode. But get this, I'm releasing a bonus episode this week. That's right, an entire extra hour of the podcast that you can listen to by becoming a premium member of Therapy Gecko over at

I was just at the end of my room, took a bottle of ambience to the face, decided to fade out. Oh yeah, and I woke up stomach pumped, no idea where I was. Man. Three months of recovery turned into six months of recovery turned into a year, and every year around this time, I do something unexpected.

See it's very interesting to me because if I died and then I got like a second chance, I don't know, I guess it's almost like you're living on like bonus mode. It's exactly the new game Plus.

For sure, it feels like new Game Plus. That's why I celebrate this this time of year.

If you want to hear this full conversation. You can sign up to become a Premium member at therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com, or find the link in the episode description. That's therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. All right, I have nothing else to say. Goes on the line ever goes

In the movie line.