“NITROUS OXIDE ALTERED MY PSYCHE”

Hey, man, what's your name?

I prefer you call me the Buddha or.

Buddha Buddha, the famous guy from that religion. What's going on?

Well, I've been doing uh, quite a bit of nicrosocifide the last few months, and you know, I thought, I thought, I should, you know, stop and you know, for because it's really not that great for you or whatever. But and it's expensive as well. But you know, and I was kind of scared because I was having these weird illucinations and stuff, and I, uh, but I just kept doing it because it feels really good.

And then.

I I just like kept pushing myself that limit where I was having these complete dysphoric hallucinations, and I sort of realized that, you know, there was like a deeper meaning to it and that I was basically when I was doing that, I was like essentially like destroying my ego. Like I wasn't even a part of my own reality and my own body.

Uh that's now nitros. That's like the balloon ship, right.

Yeah, it's a gas. Yeah, you fill up balloons with it.

What kinds of things were you hallucinating?

All sorts of things. I was like shifting into other entities and being like godlike figures and demonic figures, and seeing like the speed of time and crease and decrease and drink and very small sizes and grow very large and become like part of the universe, and she starts

These are all things you're doing because you became addicted to the nitrosoxide.

Well not really, because of the addiction to the nitrosox side, but because of the visions I had from it.

You know, what was it about the visions that you had that caused you to do all these productive things?

Well, basically I never thought that my mind was capable of producing those kinds of things, you know, Like the things I saw were incredible, Like, I never I never thought it was possible from my mind to like imagine those things basically, So I sort of realized that, you know, my potential is really like limitless.

So have you stopped doing nitrosoxide or are you still doing it a lot? Hmmm?

I wouldn't say a lot. I do it maybe once week.

Do you feel like, do you feel like you have it under control?

M I mean it's a matter of perspective, I guess, you know, like some people think it's not really under control if you're.

Doing it at all, Right, Yeah, I think so. I think that that's the way you could look at it. Do you want to stop doing nitrous oxide?

I think I just I would like to try to find a way to reach that level of enlightenment without it.

You know, I've always really felt like, you know, I'm gonna probably get some heat for this, but whatever, I always have felt like, you, really, you don't need to go to Peru and do ayahuasca or take a shit ton of mushrooms or an acid or do a bunch of nrous oxide to like have epiphanies that help you

Right, But I feel like when I shattered my ego like that, it's easier to make decisions like that.

So if your ego is shattered already, why do you feel.

Like it's only shattered in those moments? And then, well, if I can literally see see my perspective of reality shifting back into focus, what.

Do you mean by it's only shattered in those moments?

Well, I mean those visions only last like maybe five seconds at most.

It doesn't sound particularly helpful.

Mmmm.

Well, I mean it's hard to explain. Really, you know, it's I feel like the visions are kind of like are shattering in a way because they removed my entire consciousness.

You know, have you ever spoken to a real therapist about any of this?

No, I'm trying to I basically, I I you know, I was trying to get one, but I called a couple of months ago and they said they would reach back to me when one was available, and I still haven't.

I mean, look, man, I think it's great that you're doing things to improve your life, and I, for whatever it's worth, I really don't think that you need to. You know, the nitrous oxide was necessarily a part of it. It's like I'm trying to think of crap. I can't think of an example. But there's like all these cartoons that I can think of, where like, you know, someone gets like a magical power and it inspires them to like go save the day. You don't I'm fucking talking about.

Sure, I just feel like, you know, without it, it's hard for me to have that kind of clarity, especially I would say, I mean, this is probably just an excuse, but my whole life. I have what I would consider to be like very extreme ADHD that manifests in the mind, so it's very hard to control my thoughts, you know, have that impulse control.

Brother, If if if I were you, and I really a man, if I were you, man I would really go out in search of like legitimate professional ways to manage your ADHD instead of self medicating with nitrous oxide. You know that that can help me. You know, there's there's better ways to manage this. This is what I'm saying.

Well, yeah, but you know I took all those drugs when I was a kid and they didn't really help. You know.

I can't. I I can't give you anything more than that, man, I really, I really can't. I think you gotta like like you gotta you and at the end of the day, man like you gotta you gotta want to stop doing this, you know, And if you don't, then there's nothing I can say to you that'll make you stop. But if if you want to, then you should go, you know, talk to a professional about how you can manage your ADHD in a way that's not going to like kill you.

Can I tell you why I like your show?

Sure?

Well? I think the lizard costume is is very good because the therapist is supposed to be non judgmental, and how can you be judgmental when your dress is a get go.

Right?

I guess that's true. I guess that's true. What's your name again?

A Buddha?

Budh? Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?

Uh?

No, thank you very much, Lyle. I appreciate your call it very much and the opportunity to talk to you.

Thank you, Buddha, good luck, and Jesus Christ, stop doing so much nicsrous oxide.

All right, have a good one there, Bye bye bye.

I don't know if I don't know if that was helpful, or if that was judgmental or I don't know about any of this should I just I don't know what I who want I to tell that guy to stop doing so much nitrous oxide. You can stop doing so much nitrous oxide when I stopped eating fucking cosmic brownies and jacking off and smoking weed all day. So, but that didn't that didn't do anything for me. I don't

How's it going? Hyle?

It's going okay, man, it's going okay. How can I get you to the sir?

Yeah?

So, I'm not sure if you read the message that I that I put on there, But I used to work at it. Well, I had multiple things, but you know, I've been hearing a bunch of stuff and I'm like, you know what, let's make it funny today. Is that all right with you?

Go ahead?

So I used to work at a Papa John's. I want to say about maybe three I know it's been longer than that, actually, probably like six or seven years ago. And it was fine, you know, nothing out of the ordinary, la la okay, first customers an asshole. Well okay, I'll let that one's live, because you know, customer service when it comes to delivering peaches, you know, it's not necessarily

So how much would someone have had to tip you for you to not wipe your balls on their pizza?

I would have to say, like maybe one dollar, but it's more like the principle of the matter, I would I would say, you know, it would fact like if it's like one dollar, then he would equal like ten points for you, you know, within my system, or if even like a penny, but to ask for exact chance and a manner's like, oh well, I need to have my exact change now, or something like that, and I'm like, sir, I apologize, but unfortunately I do not have that. I need to go to the stores like, oh, you better

Over the entire time that you worked at that Papa Johns. How long did you work at the Papa Johns?

Uh?

Approximately between five to eight months.

So over the time that you worked at the Papa Johns, how many pizzas do you believe that you dunked your nuts on slash came onto.

I would have to say an undeterminable amount.

Because get go that estimate. Give me and give me a range.

All right, Let's say between fifty to about sixty five.

You wiped your nuts on fifty pizzas.

Well.

I was a delivery driver as well, so I had ample time to do it. An I'll just say this much. Anybody could do anything to your pizzas, So it all according to how you treat somebody, or somebody could just be having a bad day. At least I had a reason to my matteness, so to speak.

You're like a fucking batman villain except Jesus on pizza.

Well, thank you, I guess you can call me mister Freeze.

None of what either of us just said made any sense but.

Correct.

Okay, So what kinds of things would people like? When you say people mistreated you, what would they do like what? I'm very curious. What's the most mild form of mistreatment that you received that you responded to by jezzing on their pizza?

Well, it wouldn't be to you know, the mild version to be like to an extreme. You know, if somebody's having a bad day, you know, I would try to, you know, give a quick talk to because I'm not a horrible person, contrary to what everybody has heard, but you know, somebody's going through bad time, I would try to pay for their pizza, so to speak, because you can tell in somebody's eyes that they were going through something.

So well. Okay, but but but you said fifty pizzas. I mean that means at least fifty individual people pissed you off so much much that you jiz on their pizza. What did fifty people? What do these fifty people do to you that you felt was so deserving of them fucking eating your comb?

Well, the fact that not only I mean to give that number, it's a college town and a lot of people love to drink around that area, and there was just something that were belligerent, you know, silver Spoon and Mouth and titled Bridge Hansels or the Karen that really has been drinking has been undergoing a bunch of stress and taking it out on somebody else. I have a limit, but it's like far enough to where they've called supervisors,

Do you regret doing any of this seven years later, on.

A logical yes, on a psychological no, not at all. They deserve it, and I serve them with a smile.

Right after, what do you do with your life? Now? Where is the pizza masturbator? Seven years later?

Sorry?

Just the way you said that was beautiful. Right now I am dealing with well, right now, I'll just say this. I work at a collision center, but I am dealing with a knee issue that has prevented me from working. I'm going through lawyers in regards to the injury because the company or the UH insurance adjusture doesn't want to pay for it.

So are you still? I mean to get all right, if we can get into this for a second, I mean, yeah, look, chising on people's pizzas is really fucked up. He's really fucked up. What do you are you? I can't. I don't even do you? Do you still do fucked up ship like that?

No?

Not at all. Actually, I've been more tame since I've been married. It's calmed me down a lot. I used to be more crazier.

You're how long have you been married for?

I've been married. Let's see. I think it's about to going on two years now, does she know that.

You used toges on people's pizzas?

Oh yeah, my best friend, uh basically confirmed it and I told her about it. She said, that fucked up. Why would you do that? The simple answer is because people are answered.

You still really haven't answered my question to the degree that I feel satisfied with, which is, what did these people fucking do to make you on a jiz on their pizza? Like you like, I mean, give me a specific scenario or a story like so far, you're just you just give me general answers to this question, all right.

So one specific answer would be I go to somebody's house. It's in the it's in the backwoods right of the town that I lived in, and it was hard to get there to begin with because it's all rockey and the car that I had at the time was kind of a It wasn't the best in the world, but it was you know, motor transportation. Go knocking on their door. They have this scowl look that just made you want to go, oh god, why, And.

You know you can't get You can't jiz on someone's pizza because they look.

Mean, no, no, no, I understand that, but that's why I'm getting to that point. So they basically just after I opened the door, they opened the door. They just start yelling at me like.

Why the fuck do you say?

So there's a lot of explosives.

Why the fuck did you take some goddamn long, motherfucker? I swear to God, I should shoot you right in the fucking throat right now. I'm like, whoa, whoa, Okay, I'm sorry that it took this or you.

Know it took so long. There is this this this going on.

That I don't give a fuck as I should beat you up and have like piples brick your throat out right now. I don't give a fuck. I want a goddamn refund. I want this, I want that.

And I'm like, oh, yeah, you're getting your.

Ship just on.

So wit a minute, So how did okay, but if you were already at the door with the pizza, how did you then jizz on the pizza? So were you were? You?

Like?

Hold on, I have more, I have a coupon in my car. I'll be right back. Well.

He tried to de escalate the situation by saying, you know, I can see I can talk to my manager and see you know, since you're very displeased, if you would like, you know, to have a refunded in any way, shape or form, or get in contact with them so we can do said, yeah, I want to do that, and you better send that pizza back and have somebody else deliver it. And my they actually called the store and my manager was there on site and he said, hey, just give me the pizza that you have right now,

You.

I had the mister free sauce. And afterwards they're like, what's.

About the time, Yeah, you got.

Here later than normal? What the fuck?

I'm like, I apologize. I hope you have a great rest of your day. Whatever you go through, I hope you were able to deal with it better than I could. You have a great day. And I just got in the car, went down the road, had a smile on my face and like, yeah, I'm enjoyed the extra happy sauce too.

You got to stop with the cute names for the sauce. Yeah, uh, Jesus christ Man.

I was a very fucked up individual and I realized that, and that's why I'm like, wow, I definitely need to stop, which I haven't done anything like that ever since.

Well, I mean, I guess that's good.

Changed my personality though, But I and now do I talk about it more? Yes, I do regret it for a simple fact that it's not only health code violation but other things as well. And and I haven't been caught, but I still feel remorse, you know, years later, contrary to what I said earlier.

Yeah, that's that's such a one from what you said earlier.

Yeah, I know, right, It's like, I guess you have to talk about I suppose to actually realize what you what you've done. I mean, my best friend even said, like, dude, that's fucked and he was there with me during that time. You know, he didn't stop me or anything. I guess he's just as much of a villain than I am, by uh association, since he knew. But I'm not going to drag him into this though.

That's I I don't know, do you do you still order from Papa John's.

Excuse me.

Yeah.

Actually the only reason why because I actually tipped the individual as well. It's like, depending on what my word is, I tiped between ten to twenty dollars.

I still can't, I really still can't get over the fact that you said fifty because if you were just here's here's I mean, there's a lot of things about this that are disturbing, but here's the big thing is to me, like, if you've told me if this was like, Okay, this person was such a fucking cunt and they were horrible and I justed on their pizza, I'd be like,

Yes? For to prove that if you know anything about uh Georgia in the central of Georgia, Yes.

Okay, I have a way that you can redeem yourself.

Pray to the almighty gek uh No, I.

Don't give a ship, well, don't uh you. I think I think what you can do is you can jizz on a slice of pizza. No, call your friends and have him jizz on a slice of pizza and then eat it.

Oh I can, I'll be COOKII with people. Okay, you know what, gig. If that's what it takes by your eyes, then the guck has spoken.

I don't like how serious you took. I'm I'm done with this. Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?

Yeah, don't do what I did? Uh, and just be kind to your fellow human beings contrary.

To all right? All right, okay, bye, thanks for calling.

Thank you gay.

That was that was disturbing. Hello.

Hello, what is your name?

My name is Kai.

How can I get you today? Kai? What's going on?

So?

My life has kind of felt like a matter of setbacks recently, and I'm just like questioning things and I feel like just talking about it may make me feel a little better.

Okay, where do you want to start?

I guess we'll start with like the beginning of the year my dad passed away.

I'm sorry to hear that, and thank you.

It really threw me out of whack. I will say I wasn't super close with my dad, but it hit me a lot harder than I thought I was going to be affected by it. And at the time I was in school, it was supposed to be graduating, and with his passing, I ended up having to put a pause on classes. So I ended up delaying my graduation to this fall. And on top of that, I got

You know.

Can I ask how old you are?

I am twenty four?

Okay, Well I'm curious what do you What are you in college for? What do you like? If you were to finish college, what would it be in the field.

I would have gotten my BS in biology and my PA in anthropology.

Okay? Are those things that excite you and interest to you that you want to do one?

I was actually lined up to go to grad school, but because I delayed my graduation. I got pulled away from that grad school.

Okay, what do you want to do? Like what I normally I guess what kind of jobs are the uh or at the end of those fields? Okay, I graduate me.

It would be something doing medical stuff. But I'm at a point in my life where I feel like I need to re evaluate and I don't want to disappoint people. But I'm also thinking like maybe I don't do grad school and just kind of work on starting my own business like I want to.

Oh, Okay, you said a bunch of interesting things. Just now, let's hold on to them. You said, I want to start my own business like I've always wanted to do. You said I don't want to disappoint people, and you said you want to reevaluate your life. So I want to. I want to. I want Let's hold on to all three of those. Uh what do you what about your life? Are you reevaluating.

The pathway that I'm taking to get to my end goal? So I'll kind of explain my end goal, kind of going back to the business idea. I really like reptiles and I want to have a tortoise ranch, and I know that it sounds really crazy, but I want to work in conservation and just educating people on reptiles.

Hold on, I thought the turtles were amphibians.

No, they're reptiles.

Okay, I didn't know that for a reptile. I know very little about reptiles.

It's okay, it happens the best of us.

That sounds beautiful. I love that idea. That's great, that sounds cool. And I'm not even saying that because I'm biased. But all right, so who are you afraid of disappointing? And how would you disappoint them?

Specifically, my aunt, She's not blood related to me, but she's the closest relative that I have. She and her mom very much want to see me graduate from grad school because I've talked about, like probably since I was little, wanting to go into.

Okay, let me stop you right there. Not that this is that important, but it's a little important. Have they have they funded your college experience at all? Your mom and your aunts.

Not directly. Sometimes they would give me like supplies and stuff, not like textbooks or anything, just like, but but you're you.

You're the one who's taking on the loans. It's not like because because look, I want to say, like I want to say, if your I want to say, if your family is like giving you a buck, like they gave you a bunch of money to go and you're like, I want to drop out. I understand that stress, but this is like your art. I'm sorry I completely cut you off while you were talking. But did you so you took out the loans to go to school?

Yep?

I've been putting myself through school since I started.

My friend, you should do whatever the fuck you want to do, if that's the case. I, by the way, I would say that even if that wasn't the case. I think it's a little bit harder if that's not the case. But like, so, what if your aunt and your mom want you to do something because you were talking about doing it since you were a little I frankly think that's a horrible reason to do something.

Yeah, it kind of is. But I have disappointment issues in the sense that, like, I feel bad making people feel bad, and I know her aunt.

Yeah, but you can't. Yeah, but but but you you really really can't live your life that way. You really can't. You're going to actually drive yourself to insanity if you try to live your life that way. You will want to. It's just because you can't control how your mom feels about your own life decisions.

Yes, A.

And then B is it's your life and you have a cool and you have a cool thing that you want to do, this reptile thing. Okay, all right, what do we the three things?

Uh?

Your evaluation?

Yeah?

The business? Okay, so how would you start this business?

So?

First thing first would be to get property in order to actually do the ranch, I need a property that would be large enough to hold tortoises because I'm looking at getting giant tortoises specifically.

That's pretty cool. How do you how do this? Want to procure giant tortoises?

Uh?

You can actually just buy them online. I don't recommend just like buying them blindly, but there's a lot of so to speak, dealers and tortoises online that you can find. There's a guy that I follow who I'm like, basically I want his life when it comes to just tortoise ranching who just sells them for like a couple grand.

That's amazing. So all right, let's talk through this. Then, what is currently between you and achieving the schal.

Finances. Really just trying to get everything in order. I feel like I need to get the college stuff done first, because that's something I still want to do. I don't want to drop out of college. I'm just I'm not sure if I want to do grad school.

But okay, so she haven't you even finished your undergrad No.

I'm finishing this semester, so I'm really excited.

Oh all right, so you're almost done. Yeah, okay, So the decision is, do I want to try to figure out how I'm gonna start this tourist ranch, versus do I want to go to grad school?

Exactly?

What are the reasons why you would want to go to grad school?

I would be able to pay for it a little better than a tortoise ranch, and I would get a bigger return quicker when it comes to finances, because I would be almost guaranteed a job out of grad school because part of the process is like shadowing with the organization, and nine times out of ten you get a job at that organization, versus like starting a business. I don't really know much about starting a business, if I'm going to be honest, like I do do like contract work.

Have you done the math on this of like how much does it cost to go to grad school and how much does it cost to start up this business?

Grad school would be cheaper, but that also means that I would have to delay even longer from starting because this is the end goal is always been to get.

A ranch.

Grad twenty four. I think, first of well, I'll say this, first of all, I'm glad that you did in none of those reasons you gave me. You said anything about your mom and your aunt. I think that's the most important thing here, Like you actually you gave me pretty pretty good solid reasons here. Is there a pathway that involves, Okay, I go to grad school, uh, and then I get this job and then I can save up more money to get the capital to make the ranch. Does that exist?

Yeah, So that's that's kind of the plan for going to grad school. If I do go. I've been thinking, if I still want to go to grad school, I might just change which pathway I'm going and maybe going too, like veterinary medicine. Does that makes sense going to veterinary medicine, because after I leave working, you know, a normal mind to five job, I can still utilize those skills.

Uh again, I really, I really I love the starting your own business idea. Uh and and and doing the ranch I do, and I understand that. To me, in my head, it's like, this is just a question of how do you get the money that it was required to upstart exactly? And uh I this is this is all very logical to me. I'm not worried about you.

Yeah, I mean, I will say that I have people like backing, Like I have a very loving and supporting boyfriend that is one hundred percent on board with like Tortoise ranching with me. We've been together for like ten years, so he kind of knows that I am like dead serious on it.

No, Tortoise Ranching is I want you to know, just if you ever doubt it. I really just want you to know people have had much, much, much stupider dreams than to open a tortoise ranch.

That does make me feel a little better.

Yeah, I I I mean, I'm sure you can. I could name ten stupider dreams than that, But I'm not going to I'm out of respect to those those people with those stupid dreams. So I'm not worried about anything that you said, except for like the trying to please your parents and shit. But you you seem you seem like you have this on a lock.

I try to. I'm trying to have it figured out. It's just I hate that it's taking me longer to get to where I want to be because of all these like setbacks and just expectations of people.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, you should. Actually, I'm gonna say something kind of weird that I don't even know if I fully believe, but I'm gonna try it. You should actually enjoy this time that is spent achieving your goal, because once you actually do achieve your goal, once you get your tortoise ranch, you might get kind of bored.

I hope not. I love tortoises, but I do understand what you're saying that it's like climbing a mountain and enjoying the view, and once you get to the top, it's just like, oh I did all this for this, There we go.

See You're well, no, not all this for this, I guess I don't. Yeah, I think, yeah, you don't know. That's stupid. I think when you have a tortoise ranch, you'll actually be pretty stoked about that. But again, but it's in the future. It's something to look forward to her. So yeah, again, I'm not I'm really I'm really not worried about you. You seem like if I had to place money on whether or not you would eventually start this tortoise ranch, I would do it.

It's gonna happen. I'll make it happen one way or another. It's just a matter of time.

You're gonna have any geckos at this ranch or just tortoises.

I want to get a giant lizard, not a gecko, but a tagu.

What's a taku?

A tagu is a giant lizard. They're from Argentina. They're about the size of like a small to medium dog, and they're just they're really cute and friendly, like they have a very outgoing personality. They eat anything. They're like much friendlier than monitor lizards.

So I will manifest a large Argentinian lizard for your future.

Thank you.

What is your name again?

Kai?

Kai? Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before.

We go, Please watch for reptiles when you guys drive, don't run over them. It makes me very sad.

I second that. I second that I've gotten hit by several cars while walking on the streets. So thank you for your advocacy for me.

Of course, of course, good night, Kai.

Good night.

Attention listeners of the Therapy Gecko podcast. Do you know that I do a live version of this podcast on stage in person, in front of real people, And that I'm doing this live show in several cities across the United States and Europe this fall, and that tickets are available right now at therapy geckotour dot com or at the link in the episode description. It is all true.

From Addie, Hello, Hi is this guy?

Yes? Who is this?

This is Addie.

What's up Addie? How can I get you today? How is life? What would you like to talk about on the on the on the thing?

Life's pretty good right now? I have to say overall, yeah, I don't know. I just I think I might have a cool story about when I had we didn't do psychosis that I could talk about.

Uh, sure, go ahead.

So there's a little bit of context, I guess to kind of like bring the whole situation together. From about when I was like sixteen up until twenty, I was like a chronic weed smoker.

I was I.

Like started off not smoking too much, but it very quickly, like, especially when I got to college, I was smoking every single day.

And yeah, I stopped for about three years, and something happened in my life that was I had a lot going on and I was really stressed out.

I would definitely say I was addicted to weed and I knew it. And so then I picked up smoking again, and yeah, I guess my brain is just not one of those brains that does well with weed, because I ended up having a psychotic episode. So I basically like I had never experienced it before. It was basically like I completely lost touch of reality right, like I it was so strange, like I don't know, Sorry, my thoughts are all over the place, but I basically took a hit off of a pen that was not like it

I still am.

I love her, And while I was in the shower, I felt like I was being spoken to by her, like through her music. And also along with this, like context wise, like I used to be super super religious, I went to like a program to like get into ministry, like.

I was super super religious.

For a while.

And so while I was in the shower. I thought that I was having a what like an epiphany.

Turns out I was just going into psychosis.

Didn't know that at the time, and I was like sobbing, and I was like started coming up with like all of these ideas, and like I saw this vision of like basically my life right Like it started off with just like flowers cooing in a field, and it was like these flashes of images of like different things in my life that like had happened or were going to happen, at least how it felt.

And I started like.

Singing to the music, thinking that I was like supposed to be calling out to other women and trying to like send a message out. And at the time, like when it first began, I thought, if this isn't real, then nothing will happen. But if this is real, then I'll get some sort of reaction like from my roommates and stuff, because I was living in a dorm. And so I sang for like an hour in the shower, just like belting my lungs out, and I was super like nervous after I can I.

I'm real quick, real quick, because some people in the chat are mentioning this, Are you sure this was not a dnt vape.

I'm almost I have no idea, I because it was from a friend.

So, like she said, it was a weed pen. Nobody else had this reaction.

Everyone else was fine, Like she was hitting it and I was hitting it, and she didn't have any sort of.

Adverse effects to it. This was just me.

Maybe you maybe you hit the wrong button. Maybe it was like, you know those markers have multiple colors. You know the markers you have like multiple colors on you. You probably hit the d MT button on this fucking pen. Yeah, but yeah, that sounds I have no idea. I mean, has that happened to you after the fact, has it happened to you at any other times? Fucking weed?

So there was like, it's nothing like this, Like I didn't go So in this case, I completely like lost touch of reality. I thought I was the next Messiah for like three days, and I would come in and out of it. But like for the most part, like I was walking around thinking that I was like a deity on earth for like three days. I never experienced that sort of like complete loss of touch of from reality.

But I did have what I now.

Realized through like therapy and talking to doctors what might have been like a man induced episode from weed, like a couple of years prior. So it's all really strange, Like I don't really know how to explain it.

When's the last time you spoke to weed?

Over a year ago?

Now? Like I think almost maybe coming up on two years. Uh yeah, maybe like a year and a half actually, And do.

You do you feel do you have you had any psychotic episodes since?

No?

I haven't, thankfully, No are you?

Are you feeling better? Does does it feel good to be attached to reality or do you sometimes wish.

To touch a little more?

You know, it's it's a little strange. It was the most terrifying experience of my life. I will say I feel very happy to be grounded and attached to reality.

I do miss the euphoria.

I guess that I felt.

Kind of just like the carelessness. And I mean, if you feel.

Like a god like you feel pretty great.

But yeah, I think I missed the like euphoria that I had felt at the time. But I do not miss the fear that I felt when I was kind of coming down and realizing what was happening. Because it's scary to lose, uh, you know, control of your mind like.

That when you said you thought you were the Messiah for three days? What did that work?

Like?

What were those thoughts?

So the night that it happened was definitely the worst. I quite literally thought that I was going through a transformation that was like I was basically taking on all of the sin of the world and like turning into Jesus, Like I was going to be the next Jesus basically, and so I needed to like and I had like some sort of message to like spread to the world

But what if you were a god, would you be a benevolent one? Or were you like or were you walking around like nobody here knows that I'm God, so they better not fuck with me.

I you know, I think it's we're just saying think a little bit of both. Like I was kind of like I was super confident, and most of like I guess, what I wanted to do was like like spread love. Like I'm a very loving person, so I think mostly benevolent. But there was also a side of me that.

Was like, no one can fucking touch me, and like if they did, then you know, I'll show them.

You know, have you recently else at all as though you might be a god of some kind?

I don't think so. Now I feel very normal, Like I feel like I'm just your average you know person.

Well that's good, that's probably healthy. It's probably healthy not thinking that you're thinking that you're a god. But maybe maybe a little fun for a day.

Yeah, yeah, I mean for a day if I could, if I could do it, I think I would do it just to you know, see what it's like.

But I don't.

I think that's a lot of responsibility to carry on my shoulders to do it, you know, full.

Time, listen. Anytime you want, you could go into a volunt You could probably go into some form of a voluntary psychosis. Yeah, but it's not I don't think that's a good idea to voluntarily go insane because you want to feel like God.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think if something bad enough happened where in my life where I was like I don't want to be a human anymore, maybe that would be like a super you know, it would be a super helpful way to try to just let go. But yeah, yeah, I don't know.

What's your name again?

Addie?

Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go? Addie?

Yeah, tell someone that you love them today.

Tell someone that you love them today. Tell God that you love them today. Maybe he'll love you back, especially if it maybe he'll stop making all those horrible, horrible things happen to you if you tell them you love them once in a while. All right, Bye, Eddie, Bye.

Thanks guy.

Hello. Hello, what is your name?

Wow?

It's Alyssa. I can't believe this. I've been watching the stream for years.

Well, glad to have you here, Alyssa says, here that you are concerned you're becoming too much like your mother.

Yes, and I don't mean that in a bad way. I love my mom. She's my best friend.

But I just.

I don't know. It's kind of having an impact on some of my decisions. I think I messaged you before that saying that I'm thinking about becoming a therapist and my mom's a therapist. So I've always thought I don't want to do that because that's what she does. But now I do want to do it, but I don't know if I should because that's what she does. Does that make sense?

It makes sense in theory, but in practice, why do you care?

Yeah, exactly. I don't know. It's just me and my mom are literally the same person she's We're both the same personality type, we're both Leo's, We're very similar. I love her, she's my role model, but I don't want to. I guess it's a stupid thing. Like if I, quote unquote grew up to be like my mom, that wouldn't be a bad thing because she's great.

Well, I mean, take your mom out of it. Like, do you want to be a therapist?

Yeah? I do, I've I always have, but I've always told myself, I'm not going to do that because that's what my mom does. I don't want to do what my mom does. But it's the only thing that I keep coming back to, Like I'm so unsatisfied in my job right now, and I'm just I've always told myself like maybe when I'm older, somewhere down the road, but it's just the thing I keep coming back to. So I don't know. I guess that's saying it out loud makes me realize it's kind of a silly concern.

I mean, yeah, like I mean, point case closed. If you want to be a therapist, then why does it matter if your mom was one?

Well that's true, but also like I'm worried. I guess nobody is one hundred percent uh mentally healthy. Like I definitely still have my own stuff I'm working out, So I guess another part of my concern is, like, is it, you know, should I be the person giving people advice when I don't even have my own shaw worked out? You know?

I mean, I'm depressed and anxious and completely insane, and for some reason people continue to ask me what they should do with their lives. Oh true, But I'm also I'm not a real therapist. I'm a fucking internet streamer guy. So but I I don't. I look, here's my final opinion on this. What's alyssa is that, like, I mean, stop giving yourself reasons not to do a thing that you want to do, and they're not good. They're not good reasons. Like if you want to do the thing, go do the thing.

Yeah, no, that's a good point. It's good to have somebody else to tell me that I just wish. So I feel so directionless, Like sometimes you.

Just want what do you mean you feel hold on? Hold on what you keep saying this thing? What do you mean you feel directionless? You have a direction, you have a thing you're telling me over and over again that you want to do. That's the opposite of direction list that's the.

Direction out of the country. So that's the other part of it. So what I don't know, I also want to move out of the country, so that's the other part of it. So it's like I can I can apply to grad school here, but then I'm kind of like locking myself into I guess I'm not because I could work remotely once I'm licensed. But the other option would be to apply to grad programs outside of the country. I just can't decide what route to take.

What country do you want to move to?

Kind of I'm very open honestly. That's like France is one. I just got back from a trip to France. It was really lovely. I can speak a tiny tiny bit of French. Uh, maybe the UK. Those would be my top two.

I would say, Okay, this all sounds good. I can, I can, I can. I be honest with you, Yeah, please you there's no reason to invent reasons why you shouldn't go do fun, cool, exciting things, right, You're like, That's what I'm observing is that you're inventing reasons. Yeah, be scared and happy that don't that don't exist.

Yeah, because it's just I guess hard to actually like do the thing. You know, you just have to decide to.

Just that's the thing. I mean, your mother, the fact that your mom was a therapist, like who, like, who cares? That doesn't matter at all. You want to do this thing, We'll go do it.

No, you're right, You're totally right.

Uh have to figure out.

Where I mean being a therapist in French? That sounds cool? They make a lot of sad, it probably would be sad. They make a lot of sad, It probably would be hard. They make a lot of sad, black and white French movies that make people very sad. So I say, France, I think you should go to friends because that's probably where the most that's probably where the most depressed people are, and that's where you'll get make the most money being a therapist.

So I gotta learn the language a little better than I I do know it already.

Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?

No, I don't think so. Thanks for calling, Thanks for.

Thanks for talking to me on the phone anytime.

Bye bye.

Never Beacond goes on the line making us oone calls every night.

Never Beacon goes to side, just teaching news.

Good line.

Money's not really exper