Awesome, Alexander.
Hello, Hello, Hi, who's this?
I'm Alexander. Is is Lyle?
Yes, sir? What's going on, Alexander?
How you doing? Brother?
I am hanging in there. I actually feel pretty good today. I'm in a well lit room for the first time in years. I yeah, I'm okay. I have a lot I love to hear me grateful for so I love that. I'm trying my fucking best, brother. How are you, Alexander?
I am doing the same. I'm drama and I got a love story for you that's a little crazy in my opinion.
Oh, I love you story. Taylor Swift? What's going on?
Taylor Swift? Hell? Yes? All right? So I met this girl over Instagram twenty twenty, twenty nineteen, right at the
end of twenty nineteen, right shooting text. You know, I was actually just getting out of the hospital from a major depressive episode, and I was kind of on a good path and everything and just feeling really good and just shooting text to random people, just trying to connect and send one random one to this girl, and she responds back and we have this little back and forth, and the more we're talking, the more we're both realizing we're kind of like really excited, and it's like I
had a really rough upbringing, so I don't really connect with people and in a deep way. For me, I'm actually a peer counselor, so I work with people who are like just coming out of a hospital or you know, people who have been through the prison system. You know, I'll work with anybody. You know. I always try to get people on their best stuff. So you know, I it's weird because I connect with people on a people
but like for me personally, it's different. So I connect with this girl and it was insane, Like I I like, it's felt like magic and everything, and I'm I've always been like science, science, science, you know, followed the book just at the third and it, uh, it was it was different. It felt different. You know, I had dated before, I said I love you before, and this time it felt real. So the problem was she lived across the world, three thousand miles away and a different country and everything.
And this was right before COVID. And I'm pretty crazy, so occasionally, like my brain will come up with a scenario, like it'll make these really small logical jumps and then all of a sudden, I'm in deep water. It's insane.
So I was like, yeah, go for it real quick, so real quick. First of all, I'm sorry you kind of explained it. How exactly did you meet this girl?
I just randomly sending messages on Instagram to just people that I thought looked cool, just like wanted to make new friends. I was trying to, Uh, you were an influencer.
You were you were using you were using Instagram as a dating app.
Not really, I was trying to be an influencer. I play in a band, so I was kind of just trying to boost myself up, to like boost the band up. I reached out to a lot of like rock and metal chicks and stuff like that, so she was one of them, and it just so happened to you know, we connected.
You thought you thought a lady was pretty, and you slayed in the DMS. There's that's you know, more or less, that's a classic human experience. You don't have to you don't have to play around it. That's a normal human experience.
Well, I mean, like, so, so you know, I made sure she was real, you know, like never asked me for money and anything. We face timed and it was it was literally different and then COVID happens, and I got it in my head that I'm not allowed to be happy. If I'm happy, the world ends, and I still struggle with that to this day. I mean, I'm pretty good reality testing myself and kind of like getting myself straight and just be like, all right, what does
it matter. You have to keep going anyway, so just keep going. But like a year and a half in we had this falling out and it was like over just really bad miscommunication on all fronts, you know, like I had problems, she had problems. We were triggering each other's trauma left and right, and you know, I jumped the gun and I tried to protect myself and I kind of just cut it off. And then I realized that I made a mistake, and you know, I kind of would lashed it back. It was just like, hey,
I'm stupid, Like let's let's keep going. Let's pick up where we left off.
Like it well? So also, also what what where did she live? What country she lives in?
Northern Europe?
Okay? Okay? And so you met, you started dming with her pre COVID, and then did you ever even I mean before before getting into your first fight. Did you have your first encounter in person?
Like, No, we didn't, and it was because we were planning for it the year COVID happened, so everything got shut down, and so we had facetimes and everything, and we had plans to meet up in July of twenty twenty, and then COVID happened and that all got shut down, and I started losing my mind pretty badly, you know, like I was. I'm good at putting on a good front. I've I had major depression since I was twelve years old and I'm thirty five, so I just I kind
of run with it. I don't know how, I just do.
So.
Yeah, so I kind of went crazy with it and everything. It wasn't really so much a first fight. It was just I mean, like in the other thing, this is all a long distance and half of it is over text, so it's just difficult to begin with. And then I decided to go over there and we kind of rekindled something a little bit in like late twenty twenty one. I decided to go over there and you know, made plans with her. I like kind of reached out to her.
I was like, Hey, I'm thinking about coming here and would you want to meet up on a day and just that the third and she was open to it, told me what days she would be off from work, and you know, like I went over there and she stood me up and whoa yeah, and you know, like it was bad communication too, you know. I reached out to her like a while after that, and I mean like, I had a bad depressive episode. I locked myself in a hotel room for a day. I was, I was bad,
and I forced myself out the day after. I was like, no, you're in another country, you don't know what's going on, you have no connection to anything. You need to go just do stuff. So I took myself to museums and I took myself to like parks, and I made something on the trip. You know, I didn't. I didn't let it fall apart. And like three months up to that trip, she wasn't talking to me.
See that's what you gotta that's what you gotta do. And by the way, I just want to hear the quick message to anyone listening who is thinking of going to visit a girl or a guy or whatever in another country or another state or whatever. You really, whoever, you really if you're gonna do it, you have to first imagine what if they stand me up? Can I still have a good time visiting this place. That's the
number one thing you gotta do. If you're thinking about going to another country to visit someone, you got to imagine yourself like even if they don't. If I get there and they ghost me, can I still you know, have a backup plan to just enjoy my time visiting another country. It's very important if you're gonna do that.
I do want to say it's always one hundred. I mean, it's always fifty to fifty, you know, Like I'm not going to say I was perfect. And you know I went over there, and you know, like we didn't communicate what Like she reached out to me the day I got there, and I was like, hey, do you still want to meet up? And she never said anything. And then I got drunk and I started like giving all my feelings and that was too much, and you know, I understood it was too much, so I apologize. I
was like, I'm not contacting you anymore. And we didn't really have contact again until this year on her birthday, and things have been pretty good. You know, like I dated outside of her and everything, and just like it didn't real quick.
I want to I want to hear about that. I have many questions. Where so where in northern Europe was this person?
She was in Finland?
Finland? All right? So you took a little impromptu solo trip in Finland. I did, and you went there. She goes to you, and you were you. I had like one full day, and you gotta do you gotta have you gotta let yourself have one day and go right. You gotta have one day of morning of feeling sorry for yourself, of being upset and angry, and pass to give you one day you let yourself loose, you have your emotional uh feast whatever, and then you gotta go
to the Museum of Ducks or whatever the fuck they got? Yeah, how long were you in? How long were you there for?
I was only there a week. I don't make a lot of money in mental health. You don't make a lot of money. I think you know that, but uh, it's what it is.
I'm I am, I am in, and I am in the gecko business.
I got that. I'm sure there's a ton of money in the gecko business.
As you know, I will say, uh, well, what the fuck was I gonna say? Uh? Oh, So did you meet anyone in this week? Did you go to try to talk to anyone? Did you go to any events? Did you go to any house?
No.
I kept going to this one bar that I just kind of really enjoyed, and uh yeah, I had a good time there. I actually got so drunk one night I peeked in the sewer, looked at the uh looked at the guard and I was like, I go get my jacket. He's like, yeah, let me go. It was great, But you know, I had fun. I have fun memories of that trip even, you know, all things that standing and like I said, you know, we connected again, and you know I've dated outside of her, and you know,
strange things happen all the time. Like, for example, I was streaming on Twitch and I was playing this game called Universe sim and it's a god simulator. You start with your god and you get Adam and even you have to build an entire society. The game likes to rename the town that you're building, just like when you get enough people, and it's usually like like Blitzenberg or you know, like Jingleville. It's usually either something really boring
or really stupid. And then one day, while I'm streaming with like one of my best friends in the stream, it comes up with her exact city, and like I it's like finished cities have weird names, and it was a really strange, out there name. But it just like it knocked me off my feet, and I was just like, that's crazy.
It's okay, I got I have more questions for you. All right, So you go on this week long trip. Did you have fun? Ultimately, even though the woman stood up, did you have a good time?
Yeah?
And so you got back in touch with her? What what? What was that whole thing?
It was eating at me? It was eating at me. I have to go sit back down just in case my phone decides to disconnect again. It was eating at me really badly because like I still felt strong still, even with everything I've been cheated on in past relationships and everything. And you know what, if I lose a couple of grand to you know, kind of a gamble, I can't really be mad at her. You know, like
it's just what it is. You know, I know the reasons why everything happened the way they happened, and you know, I'm happy that we're talking again. So you know, I can forgure so who so so who?
But what I'm saying is who who reached out to who?
Like what was I reached I reached out to her and we had a discussion on this and I reached out to her and she had said, She's like, there were times I wanted to reach back out to you see how you were, but the way I had ended it, she didn't feel comfortable doing that. She said it would need to have come from you, and she was super receptive. You know, I was under the impression she hated me and wanted nothing to do with me because I'm crazy. And I was telling myself that and you know, like
I've been pretty happy with how things are going. It's not it's not I want.
To I will say. I mean, that's a real I really think that's that's just a fucked up thing to do if you to make a plan with someone. I mean, is that how? I mean? Like, tell me, is that how it? Well?
I understand that, you know, like, did.
You guys, did you guys like make a plan? And she was like, yes, come buy a plane ticket like or or was it more like your were like, I am coming, like, which would you guys make the plan together? And then she just bailed, like what was it?
I was saying, so, so, hey, I think we should meet up. You know this at the third you know, I would like to just come visit you know, the city and every the city I'll think he specifically. I was like, but you know, at the same time, you know, I think we should meet up, and she's like, hey, okay, I'm down for that. I was like, all right, you know,
like what would work good for you? And she gives me dates and I'm like all right, and then I was like, all right, this is going to be my flight and I'm going to be staying over here, you know, like and I got an Airbnb and I was just like, you know, let's let mean I The last thing I think I said was like, let me know, you know what your plans are, what you want to do. And then three months go by and I didn't hear anything.
And then the trip comes up and I didn't hear anything, and you know, it was already over and done with.
So you so you planned this three months in advance and then in those three months.
No, it was more than three. It was more than three months week, but like we we only connected like a little bit like here and there, and then the three months happened.
So you planned it in advance, and then in the time following had no communication.
With her, very little communication, you know, like and I think a lot of it was just a lot of it was like fear on both ends, you know, like I didn't reach out because I didn't want to like take up too much of her space. And you know, I think she and you know, like we we I got attached pretty hard pretty fast because things she was
saying was like kind of like gold to me. And you know, we're in it's different now, Like I'm I've grown Like when we met, I was thirty now and thirty five, so you know, like that's there's been a lot of growth there. You know, I've been through the hospital multiple times and you know kind of really had to learn a new place in life and new direction in life. And I'm in that path now and I
feel good. And that's kind of why I reached out to her, because I feel better than I have and even though I'm like still fighting my brain left and right, it's just kind of I still feel strong about her. I mean, like, I've been cheated on really badly multiple times. I've been lied to to my face about it, and you know, I've called them out on it. I've been told, you know, like I need to experience something else, and you know kind of just left and gone and done that.
I had somebody I threw a party and my girlfriend ran off with another guy, and you know, like I actually called him and I was just like, yeah, pray I don't see him. Chose to smoke a cigarette at the time instead of get myself in trouble.
So you I lost you. I lost you at the very end there. But uh so what's your day? What's your dating life?
Like?
Now? Uh?
Honestly, just I'm kind of just doing me. I just like being creative, So I just let myself be creative. I play my band, you know, we do crap on Twitch and that's it. You know, Like I I don't care enough to date because like I don't feel connected to people, so like and like you know, like I'll like meet somebody and they're just I don't feel anything. You know, It's just like all right, whatever, you're there, we're talking. There's no magic here, there's nothing special.
Like it's it's it's hard. Yeah, it's hard. I'm on I'm on the dating apps and stuff, and I every time I like look it up profile, I'm like, could I see myself really like uh fucking like like connecting with this person you know, well, you meet the first time, you have to you have to like go through that.
You have to like able to look at them and be like in a weird way like the first time you meet someone, you I guess kind of have to judge like do you really feel like you can form a strong connection with this person, which is hard to do when the first time.
Well yeah, so you know, like that's why I usually like I give it a little bit, and you know, and I've gotten myself. I've dated people that I shouldn't have dated because I'm doing that, you know, Like I always I have this like idea in my head of like who I'm looking for and everything, and I will I have very all my entire dating history dated outside of that, because I've said to myself, that's ridiculous, You're
being ridiculous. Try to date outside of this. Date outside of it, and you know, like immediately like get hit with the dumpster fire and just go like, Okay, maybe maybe you were onto something with that, and you know that's the other thing of it. You know, this woman kind of like I didn't. I don't. I don't feel like, you know, like anything's missing. I just you know, the thing that's missing is is how close we are. And that's it. And I just tell myself how maybe one day it won't be the case.
So I have you're a fear counselor? What is that?
Peer per Oh?
A peer cow? I thought you were a fear I thought you were.
Like, yeah, yeah, right, that'd be great.
No, no, no, I thought, So what do you do as a peer counselor?
I take my life experience and things that have happened to me, such as, you know, my major depressive disorder, my borderline personality disorder, my OCD, my OCPD, my unspecified anxiety disorder, this beautiful cocktail that I've been given and all the torture that it's put me through. I learned how to share that with people who are going through it, who don't understand it and need help and guide through it. And I take a lot of pride in my work and I'm really proud of it. And I actually have
an interview for a supervisor position on Monday. So I got my fingers crossed.
Very nice, man, very nice? Are you I want to hear about this too. So you said that from thirty to thirty five, you you feel like you underwent some change. I feel like, yeah, so I'm I'm twenty six, and I often think about, like, you know, the difference of my life now, you know, from when I was twenty one, and how much I've like changed as a person, you know, yeah, from then, and then I'm like, wow, in five years when I'm thirty one, I'll probably be like, wow, I was a fucking idiot when I.
Was Yeah, I've noticed it.
And now you're telling me that when out at five years after that, yeah, be looking back to going wow, I was a fucking idiot. Now I just feel like the biggest fucking idiot on the planet Earth right now.
No, I mean, don't feel that way, because like it's interesting, you know, I noticed a change in my mentality from like, you know, eighteen to twenty three, from twenty three to twenty five, twenty five to twenty eight, twenty eight to thirty two, and now thirty two to thirty five. It's very interesting, like, you know, just seeing like these different
evolutions of myself. I really like, I think it's just part of the human experience that you just grow and you learn more, and the best thing to do is kind of just put your best foot forward and be peaceful, you know, and try to just like kind of like help people through their shit instead of just dragging them with yours. You know, that's my that's my stuff, Man's that's what's important to me.
Do you feel better, like at the age of thirty five after a lifetime of you know, mental health issues, do you feel better now than you have in the past or broke?
No, it's a mess, and it's always going to be a mess. It's never going to be a clean answer. It's never gonna be Yeah, I feel great. Yeah, I feel bad because every day is different and I need
every day to be different. Like there's where like earlier this week, you know, I'm putting my head through a wall because I'm so anxious and everything, you know, and I had really bad ideation earlier in that week, and then you know, the week went on and it all went away, and I like today I feel great, you know, I'm really excited. I got some D and D stuff planned with friends later and that's going to be dope. And you know, so like it's it's always a roller coaster.
You know. You can't you can't be like, oh, oh it's always bad, because it's not always bad. You know, learn to live in that moment, you know, go out with your friends. When I'm out my friends, I'm not telling myself, okay, you know you have to be MOPI. You have to be said, you have to be depressed about X y Z. You know, like, I'm out with my friends, so I'm going to go have a good
time with them, you know. And when I'm by myself and I got nothing to do, and I'm just kind of like going over and over and over in my head just reliving one thing, you know, like looking at one little instance in my life and then being like, oh, that means this, that means this, that means this. I'm not going to get the job. I'm not going to get this. This person hates me. I don't like doing that to myself. So but you know, when I notice it, I tell you, I shut it off. I force it off,
and I go do something else. I put on music, I play in a band, I get so much cathartic energy out. I'm the vocalist of a metal band, and I get so much cathartic.
The vocalist of a metal band.
Hell yeah, brother, all right, I gotta.
I gotta ask you. All right, So I don't know how comfortable you are sharing this stuff. But what is what is your band?
Uh? The band? Am I allowed to promote on your stream?
Because I look, I would love I'd love to hear. Please promote if you want to.
We're actually dm are. Our current EP is d M c A free, so you could actually even play it on your stream where Reign of Fear are e I G N of Fear. You can find us on Spotify. Our latest EP was called Haven Axiom. We also are on Twitch at Reign of Fear Live. We go live like twice a week every other week. Sometimes it's the band playing video games, sometimes it's we have a full set up where all four of us have our audio pumped in through computer and we'll play like live shows.
And we also do a podcast about different albums. Right now we have to do Dua Lipa and the Acacia Strains.
So it's an interesting How did you meet your band members. How long have you guys been together?
Oh dude, I've been with this drummer for like twenty years. Twenty plus years actually, because like I was in a band in high school called of Chaos and Creation, and you know, we did one talent show that was emceed by mc foley and he comes out and he introduces us, and I just kind of go hand with it, you know. I started learning how to do the death metal vocals then, and I was working at Blockbuster and he comes in.
It's this tiny little blonde kid with our friend, our other friend who is now in a band called Iapetus, and they're doing really well, and he's like, hey, I heard you do screams. Do you want to be in my band? So I went and I tried out, and then that was Warborne, and Warborne put out one really bad CD and then we had a big falling out. We didn't talk for like ten years, and then I came, I went away to school, got a degree, came back
and wanted to do music again. And they just kicked out their vocalist and I was just like, hey, you know, like let me get in there. So I try out and they're like yeah, you want in. That was like seven eight years ago, So.
Like, all right, you do screams?
Yeah, I do like the death metal grouls and everything. I love that stuff, all right, always love that.
We we gotta hear a scream. Headphone users, headphone users, please take this time to lower your volume. I'm giving you ample preparation, uh to this is this is your moment to prepare for the raising of the volume. It's going to be all in the red. Go ahead, give us some some some heavy metal noises. Right, I was half expecting a demon to be summoned in my room.
A little bit, a little bit. You gotta be careful.
Are are do you? Are you into?
Like?
Uh, I mean heavy metal? It's very like Satanists, demon fucking hell.
Was when I was like younger and stuff.
Uh.
I've developed my own like kind of like idea on my religion and stuff like that. That's very Uh, it's influenced by a lot of the Satanic stuff, but it's not Satanic. It's like I just believe in my own power, in my own movement in my life. I've been the only force that has kind of like pushed myself through things.
I've you know, like when I was real, I was raised very Italian and uh that, uh it comes with a lot of like Catholicism and everything, and I rebelled hard against that, and uh you know that was that was another thing. You know, like a lot of my friends and stuff, their families got them into metal and like their dad or their brother or their uncle. And I discovered it on my own. So it's like just another like caveat of like finding who I was and whatnot.
And uh yeah, I just there's something about it that just feels good. And I just I like playing it more than I like listening to it, to be honest, But like I still jam my. Unfortunately, my favorite, my favorite artist took his own life two years ago and it's been His name was trevorster Nadd. He was of the Black Tali Murder. I mean like a lot of like what I learned, what I wanted to be as a vocalist and everything, like as a frontman, I learned
from watching him. And it was a bad blow because there was a moment I had he was he was at a show in Brooklyn and I was there, and uh, I didn't want to bother him. You know, he was there with his girlfriend, and I just I really did want to run over and be like, bro, I love your lyrics. You know what did you mean by x y Z? That's that the third asn't you know? That's
apparently my catch raises. But I didn't. I chose to respect his space, and I like kept myself in the corner and quiet, and you know, I was like, I'll get to do it. I'll get to do it. It'll be okay, It'll be okay. Then now I'd never get the opportunity.
I just want to say, if anyone you know is thinking back coming up to me at one of my live shows to ask me what I mean when I say that Alaska is a city, not a state, don't ask me because I'll never tell you. What's your name again, Sir Alexander Alexander Alexander is really really really great talking to you. Man. Yeah, your story.
Thanks?
I uh, this was cool. This was a really really cool interaction. Rain of Terror, Fear, Rein of Fear, Rain of Fear. Okay, I was close. Rain of Fear. Everyone. Check out Rein of Fear. You guys on Instagram too. If I go to Instagram, will I find you yep.
Yeah, we're on Instagram, and I think the link of the twitches on the Instagram too.
Very cool, very cool, Alexander. Is anything else do I say to the people of the computer before we go.
Hey, man, just keep doing your best. You know you'll make it and we'll remember we're all in this together.
You know.
Pick up your brothers when you see them.
Paul, thanks brother, take care, take care. Oh. I like that guy. He was really great. You know, it's funny. He brought up a lot of things that I'm always thinking about, like that thing about uh, you know, think thinking about five years ago, I was an idiot, and but now I feel like I haven't figured out but you don't. And then it's like, oh my god, I'm that's gonna that's gonna that's gonna happen every five years. Every five years, I'm gonna realize that I've been, uh,
living stupidly this entire time. It's a little scary. It's a little scary every day I am walking around as a dumber version of myself than me in the future. That's there's room for so much error in that. It makes me fearful. But whatever, what are you gonna do? That's all you your your brain. You only have the information that you have at the time that you presently exist to work off of. That's all you have. That's all you ever possibly can have forever until you die.
So just just deal with it. That's what you got. Run with that and keep trying to accumulate more information as best as your skinny little brain can handle. And don't, like I said, don't go to a foreign country to meet a lady unless if you have other plans, you know, get some museums written down, Go eat some fish. I don't know what the fuck they have in Finland. You know why I thought it was they have fish, and that Finland is known for fish is because I thought
that's because it's finn Land. All right. That was stupid. I'm gonna stop talking. Thanks for calling, Alexander. Attention, Europe, I am bringing my wildly fun Therapy Gecko Live show once again to your continent this fall, and you can get tickets right now at therapy geckotour dot com for the following European cities Amsterdam November twelfth, Berlin November thirteenth,
Manchester November fourteenth, London November sixteenth, Cologne, Germany. We'll see how many people come to that November eighteenth, Dublin, Ireland November nineteenth, and Glasgow, Scotland November twenty first. Once again, you can get tickets for all those shows, and you can still get tickets from any of my US American tour dates right now at therapygekotour dot com. These are very fun shows. I did a Europe tour last year and I had the time of my life. I hope
you guys come back out. That's therapy Gecko tour dot com for tickets. Hope to see if folks there call from Billy Hello, Hello, Hi, who is this Where are you calling from?
Hello? I'm calling from England?
Actually why England might rock and roll?
Okay, don't let me brief on my tickets, all right?
I just bought the the Oh did you buy? I just yeah, I just announced my Europe dates. Did you which?
Where are you?
Where? Where are you coming to? Which one are you going to?
Oh?
I didn't know there were multiple? Oh? Wait? Oh wait? Sorry if weekend that was multiple in England. No, I'm going to London one cool, No.
There are markable. No, I'm doing one in uh London and one in Manchester.
Oh what Manchester's.
Hold on?
Wait?
Why did you hold on? Why did you buy tickets for London instead of Manchester? If Manchester is closer?
It was the only well of soul, so like, what do.
You mean it was the only one? Where did you see it?
I don't know. I just got an email and I was in a meeting and I turned my camera off, bought it and then put it back on. And I haven't speaking. Someone will notice, and I don't know. I don't really think about it.
That's funny whatever, I mean, what's that?
Man?
How's how's how's it going? Thanks for I'll see you. I'll see you in November then, but before then, what's what's going on? How how can I get you today?
Yeah? I don't know. I just kind of want to talk about life because the problem I find is that my life is really weird, and this is in like every vector of my life. I mean, I mean, these kind of problems range from like I've been harassing BBC Radio to get me on and from that to being closeted to my family and my mom walking in on me being like a feminine man, which I don't really know how to explain that there's a.
Lot going on all right, before you continues, before you continue with new information, I have questions about the information you've already provided. Oh okay, so okay, I'm keeping I have questions about a lot of things. When you say your mom walked in on you being a feminine man, were you doing the buffalo bill thing?
The buffalo bill? What is the buffalo bill?
That's when you tuck your penis between your legs and look into a mirror and go I would fuck me.
Oh yo, know, I mean I've done that, But no, it wasn't that buffalo bill. I'm gonna use that phrase.
No, don't, don't use it just for context. Buffalo bill killed a lot of people, so if maybe find it different, I'm sure there's people who do that that have not killed people. But whatever, So what was go ahead? You were going to say things and I.
Said no, no, don't worry, don't okay. So this is like back when I didn't own my own place. I've just moved out, like a couple of months ago, so now I'll do this all freely. But this was when I was i'd say probably mid eighteen, So a couple of years ago and I was looking at my parents and you know, for ages doing my teens, I always thought like that, ah, you know, I'm not gay. I fuck that guy, you know, like the kind of transition
period per se. And then I really got into the whole like this is when the like term I suppose benboy kind of kicked off and it was like, oh, okay, yeah, this is this is kind of cool. I mean I would be one, but I mean I don't know, maybe that's a reach. And then it suddenly kind of thing off. I came eighteen off, like I'm going to buy all
these women clothes and wear them and yeah. So for a while it was just me like just wearing these long socks and skirts and stuff when no one was in the house, and that that was kind of weird. It was. It was nice, But the problem is is that when you entered eight like communities like that as like a freshly eighteen year old, there's a lot of like thirty plus people who are like, oh oh yeah, you like like fresh meat. It's like, wait, wait when.
You say when you say enter these communities, is it like were you like were you in like chat rooms and.
Ship Yeah, kind of it's not like like discord servers and stuff like that.
So you're in like a discord server of people who like to wear of guys who like to wear women's clothing.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Basically you're surprised. You're surprised that just people in there that want to fuck each other.
I mean, I don't know. I I shouldn't be surprised. But the weird part about is that some of them are like forty and it's like I've been tho. The one guy I told you who was like like a father of like two kids and like had a wife and everything, and like it was kind of like, Okay, I need to kind of enter away from you. That was very weird.
So what are you? I guess? Uh so so wait, so by the way, so you said this was two years ago, so you're.
Twenty twenty one now.
I dude. It's something about the fucking English accent. You sound like you're like a grown fucking man. You sound like you're in your forties. That's why, for a second, I didn't think it was that weird because I was like, you sound like you're also forty and married with kids. It's got It's just the English accent.
I promise you I am. I am twenty one, twenty two in a couple of months.
Okay, yeah, So congratulations on this new found way of life. I guess you could call it or hobby or whatever. Are you? Are you having fun? Are you stoked? Are you what's up?
I mean, it wasn't fun for a lot of time. And I suppose I haven't really got to the kicker yet.
What's the kicker?
Because so one time? So okay. The one thing I've also learned is that people on the intro a lot more. Maybe it's just I've not been into people that are very explorative, should we say. So. It was this one time someone had bought me like this. You can get like remote control. How do I praise this remote control like mechanics that you use on your never regions and it's like controlled for the internet. It's like someone like bought me like one of those. It's like one hundred
and fifty pounds. Is like, oh my god, like you'd spend that much money on me?
Hello, someone someone someone bought you a remote controlled vibrator thing for you stick your ass.
Oh oh no. It wasn't just that it did that, but also I can remember the name of it. It's like it's like an edge or something like that, but it's listen, you put it in your like kind of rear entrance, but then also like vibrates your balls as well. It's like a it's like the double team. It's it's pretty.
It's it was and you were okay, so somebody, somebody bought you a little taint vibrator, and it's sounds the way that you the way that you just talked about it just now, it sounded like you were flattered that somebody would would would do that for you. Is that how you felt?
Yeah, yeah, well it's actually yeah, I wouldn't feel flaster if someone actually sent me another one of like a week ago.
So uh, now you're doe. Now you got one for your taint and one for your asshole. It's kind of funny that these like these guys are like they're vying for like real estates on you. Like one person owns has the control, literally has a control to your taint, and the other person has a remote control for your asshole.
Yeah. I mean the problem is is that when you use it for a while, it gets a bit saturated, So it's a bit like, yeah, it's almost like you're sitting in a car after you use it for too long.
It's it's the law of diminishing returns.
Yeah, it's it needs to be used infrequently to kind of get the maximum value out.
So is that you said you mentioned something about a kicker. Is that the kicker?
Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh we're not even there. Sorry. So one night there's this guy and I wouldn't even lie it was it was really hot, but uh it's kind of like, oh, do you want to like, you know, do some like you know, east like ship And I'm like, yeah, yeah, why not. We're feeling frisky tonight. What I didn't realize is that I wasn't in the house alone. Ah yeah, yes, oh oh
it was. It was not good. So this is like me in my bedroom at like two in the morning, right with this American guy who I don't know who's where he's gone since But that's not the point of this. It's me over the coll with his American guy and you know, we're kind of sitting, I've got my camera on, I'm in like these long back black socks, skirt.
You know, your face in these videos do you.
You know that's a that's a good question. I can't remember. I can't remember. I think it probably did.
Maybe here's by the way, by the way, just oh, I actually want to clarify that comment you put, like, here's here's my thing. You probably shouldn't have your face in the camera, but at the this is my pure honest belief at the end of the day, even if you do, it's like, who gives a ship, you know, just own it whatever? Who cares anyway?
Yeah, I mean to be honest, I just don't really look at myself. I just kind of do it and enjoy doing it, and that's it.
So yeah, okay, go ahead, all right, So you're you're cyber and with the with the dude in Missouri.
Yeah, somewhere like that, I don't know. And then it's like two in the morning, and I don't know how much noise I was making because my mom like kind of like doesn't knock her anything, just kind of walks in. She's like, can you keep the noise down? And like she was saying down and it's just cut and it was just we just stare at you with the longest ten seconds of my life. It was just we had this staring competition. It's just me ass on camera, like sitting in my chair. I don't even know how to
describe this. So like my heels were on the desk, my like my legs were up in the chair and I was sitting down but like shining my ass. Does that makes sense?
Oh? You were like, well hold on, you you were spread eagle with your heels on the fucking desk. Yeah, and your mom and your do your mom came in.
Yeah, yeah, I'm telling you it was like, you know, four K cinematography like quality.
You got this in and she just like we had the staring competition and she just broke down and yeah and she did you hold that?
Ha ha? When when she opened the door, did you like, did you did you stay spread eagle or did you like readjust yourself?
No? No, no, no no no. I I just froze.
I couldn't moved. So you are so you're you are spread eagle, Your asshole is spread out. You're wearing high heels up on the desk, just staring at your mom.
Yeah yeah, I mean it's yeah, yeah, I didn't really. I wish I reacted, but I don't know.
It's just how long. How long were you guys staring at each other for?
I don't know, the concept of time kind of went out the window at that point. He was just kind of stuck, and she just yeah, after that, she just she went like like all fours on the four sight, breaking down, like we're talking screen crying, all right, We're talking like this was hysterical, Like it was almost like someone had just died in the family, except the only thing that died it was my my dignity, I suppose. So yeah, she she's like trying, there's this whole thing of like.
Why are you doing this at my house?
Are you? I didn't even know you were like into men. It's like, oh okay, uh yeah, no, this is what I do a meme while she's like having his breakdown, right, and this is I just like, I can't think I disconnected from the court at this point, because this isn't that bit was caught on the court. I disconnected, But they still have the remote to this thing that was inside my rectum.
They still hit the remote. Yeah, absolutely fucked up.
Oh it was so bad that I don't even know, dude, It's I was literally I was trying to stay serious, I.
Was like bright. So, so, so you're cybering with this dude who has a remote control to your asshole, and he see that your mom walks in on you and decides that that's the right moment to start vibrating your asshole.
Yeah.
Psychopathic. Yeah.
But the I think the bit that was even weirder is the fact that so I had like always kept the vibrating like in myself, but like my ass was never like properly on the chair, right, So I had like I had sat up at this point, my ass was properly on the chair and it was vibrating. This chair was just vibrating the floorballing like there's no hiding it. There's no hiding That.
Guy is a that that that dude is a is a master control to hit the remote at that moment. So, okay, so your see your mom starts crying, do you, like, I mean, what do you do? Does she leave the room or she's just crying while you're like, what happens?
I don't really that point is kind of a blur because it's kind of like she try't. I remember we were there for ages, Like we were there for ages. She eventually just she just left the room and went to bed. I was like, yeah, I gotta I gotta shut this ship down. And I put it all in the bag underneath my bed, which was kind of covered up with drawers and like all my you know, all my skirts and sucks and you know colors and you know, like the fucking choke collar ship. Put it all under
my bed. I was like, yeah, I just I just I'll just be a guy for now whatever, And and then she found the bag. I don't know when she found the bag, because I must have been out at this point, but I remember one time I was like, you know, it's been a couple of weeks, we'll put it back on, and it's all gone like this, I'm not even talking just to clothes, like the toys as well. Like she I, which I can't believe, like she even
like had the guts to do. She like pick must have picked up with like bare hands something Yeah yeah, oh not good. So that all went. I think it was like five pounds of like clothing just like gone.
I'm sorry to interrupt your story, but this does remind me of a time where I used to have this uh uh t shirt that I masturbated on frequently, and I always kept it in the back of my closet when I was when I was living at home and I came into my closet once and it was hung up. Oh my god, fucking yeah, I was hung up on a clothing what do you call that? A rack? Whatever? It was hung up on my closet, and I was like, that's the most horrifying thing I've ever seen in my entire life.
Wait, so, did were you wearing the shirt and did just on do you just kind of lay it out to kind of project go onto the can? Wait?
Wait, well, hol on, you hold on? You think I went Winnie the Pooh style and just arked my dick up to my face and geezed on the shirt while I was wearing it.
Hey, I mean, look, I mean we've all done it at least once.
Right, That's not what I did, But that is funny that that's the first thing in mind. No, I just laid it out like like how you would with U I don't know, paper towels or whatever. But that's I was gonna say, I'll do that next time. But I'm I'm never never going to do that.
My question is what was on the shut I think it was.
I think it was Rick and Morty. Anyway, how's your relationship with your mom going?
Yeah, No, it's Frick and Malty. Is crazy.
I wasn't thinking about Ricking, but they were just on the I think I wasn't thinking about Rick and Morty while I was doing it. It was they were just happen.
Crossed.
It was on the others. I think I would it was inside out and so I never really would like saw the Rick and Morty design, but uh, it was that anyway. Whatever, what's what's so that's your relationship with your mom?
Yeah, so, I mean it's okay. We've never really discussed it since and I was kind of so I bought a house. Well maybe I'm what we in July? So about three four months ago?
You bought a house at twenty one.
Yeah, I'll be honest. I did land on my feet a bit. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I do cybersecurity and do a lot of like engineering stuff.
So how much does a house in England cost?
Like, I mean, it depends where you buy it. I mean mine mine was about like one hundred and fifty thousand, which negotia down.
That's actually that's pretty that's amazing for like in London.
Oh no, no, no, no in London. This is like in Newcastle, so it's like four hours north.
Holy shit, that's pretty great.
Yeah, they left this home theater hear as well, so I can be a.
Home theater for one hundred and fifty grand.
Oh man, they did. They didn't take it down because they were like, uh, do you want to We don't really need a cay bob take it down. Well, okay, sure, and I've ready used it. I'm gonna be honest, like I've just kind of I got it. I'm not there, all right.
So you bought you bought your own house where you can dress like a woman and cyber sex dudes all you fucking want? Uh what what what happens? What happened with your with your mom?
Like?
Did it? Did it? I found my relationship with my mom also improved significantly once I would say, moved out and and also you know, got my own place to masturbate. That's very healthy, helpful thing. Well, so how again, how did how's your relationship with her?
Now?
Yeah, I mean it's okay. I mean I did go back to my mom's like a single parent, so she's like she's not got anyone talk to. My sisters has gone to Canada for free for wants to work, So yeah, she's kind of alone. So she's like, oh, okay, I did this, I did that day and she calls me on time and stuff and yeah, that's fine, But in terms of the actual situation, we never discussed it ever again.
And I know when I was moving out, I was kind of thinking, I kind of want to just ask the thing closed back because I can't really find where I bought them again because it was over like a variety of sites like Amazon, she you know, ship like that. Some of it was off I express like, some of it was dirt cheap. But yeah, I never asked in the end, and I don't think I am going to ask. But since since I've moved out, I've been able to get some other stuff. Someone bought me a flashlight as well,
so we've got like the triple team of stuff. Now. Yeah, it's it's pretty wild way doing my spare time now, Yeah, well.
It sounds it sounds like you spend a lot of time on the computer.
Yeah. I've been called chronically online once. I didn't take that too well.
So so so so how did the conversation like the first few days, because it sounds like your mom like was really upset and she like threw away all your stuff and so like, how did the conversation like what was what was the what was the vibe around the house for the next few days weeks?
Oh no, oh god, Oh don't even Oh god. It makes me still sick now because it was just so horrific. It was like it was like I always got that look of like, you know, not when like you crease us one, but it's like the eyes of I know what you did right, and I think we I think we did. Actually I kind of briefly remember a discussion, but it wasn't I remember it wasn't that long because
I was like, I can't bother with this. But she was saying like, look, it's fine if you're having a quick tug in the else, but I.
Don't want to do I love British people, dude, it's fine.
I don't want to have that discussion with my mom. That's wild. Like I can't do that. I can't do that. It's so long. But yeah, I mean that was it. I was just kind of like, nah, I can't do this. And I mean she also said like, oh, so, like, what actually is your sexuality? I was like, I don't know. I'm just into anyone I want because to be honest, I don't really believe in the whole like, oh I'm into like you know, I have to have this label. I'm just like, well, if I like you sexually, I
like you sexually. And if I don't, I don't. That's it.
I don't.
I don't give a ship like that's it, like, oh, you're only into girls, ringing into non bindary whatever. Who cares? Man? I just I just I just want to love who or want to love and that's it. So but yeah, I just kind of said that, and she's like, well, I don't want to understand how you can only like like everyone. You're saying like men or women and that. I was like, okay, all right, all right, gang, I'm going to I didn't say all right, gang, but that's
kind of my generic reaction. And I was just like, I can't come up with this. No, it just went upstairs. And yeah, I never really talked about it again, and I think to this day it's something that's scarred both of us and it's just one of those unspoken scenarios. Although I'm starting to think, like, should I bring it up at like the funeral of like memories that happened, you know when they like read that a book.
No, I don't think you should bring it up at the funeral. Well I should bring up your mom? Who were whose funeral? Do you want to bring up your mom walking in on you gaping your asshole to a camera?
Hey, I mean I don't know most of the people by that point, I won't know, So I don't know. I don't know, man, I don't. I don't.
Harry and the quick tug.
Harry Potter and the quick tug.
That's so funny. But I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm using, I'm using. I'm going for a quick tug all the time now it's my new thing, and it's just it.
Just sounds a bit vile. Man, I don't know.
What do you mean? That's the most that's the most wholesome way I've that you could possibly describe masturbation. There's way more.
I'd say the word masturbation is just wholesome. A quick tug. It just sounds a bit weird, Like.
God, yeah, that No, that would horrify me too if my British mom said that. But you're cool with her now, yeah, I.
Mean yeah, we've kind of just forgotten about it. Well she's forgotten about it, I clearly have. But yeah, it's still scares me. But uh, yeah, that's pretty.
I mean you sound like overall, you sound like, uh, you're doing well. I mean, you bought a fucking house at twenty one, you got a job, you got your own goon cave, You're you seem like you're doing well. Am I mistaken? H?
Yeah? I think things are going well. Yeah, I don't know. I don't I don't think about whether things are going well or not. I just kind of do things and that's it. I don't know. I'm a very simple man or women at times. It depends sence on time of day, but yeah, I'm pretty simple. I just I have a you know, I just do things and it rock and roll.
Rock and roll. Well, thanks for sharing all of this. Do you still have the like the the little vibrator things are they like? Is it like neurolink where they like install it into you or you can take it out at will.
Yeah? No, they actually put it in my brain and they fucking yeah, I get vibrated at work. No, it's just these little plastic things. It's like a what's it called like eleventh I think that's a break. That's a brand Frank Loven's Dowstairs. Just to twice find.
You don't have you do not have to give a live demonstration.
It's okay, no, no, it's I mean I can if you want. I mean, I'm looking at Loup, the the cat is the you know, we got the whole nine yards here.
What's your name again?
It's Billy.
Give my real name on him of Billy. That's a very that's I can tell it's a fake name because it's an extremely American name. There is no.
Yeah, let's say it's fake. Let's say it's fake and just go with up.
Uh, Billy. Well, I'll see you in uh in November at the at the London show. Thanks for getting getting tickets. Man, Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer or your mom if she's watching before we go?
Hi, mom? Uh, I'd say, do things whilst you have the chance, or you'll end up regressing it for the rest of your life. That's a whole different story that I never told. But you don't want to hear that. It's sad. But yeah, so that's my message into that, so swag.
Well, thanks for calling, and let's all let's all, uh, let's all go for a quick tug. You know what, You're right. It does sound weird. I'm never gonna say it again.
Yeah no, come on, man, just just say masturbation. It's fine, like all.
Right, all right, all right, all right, let's take care.
Man, say it back.
I'm I don't, I'm it feels weird. I don't like I don't. I it feels weird to say because I don't I appreciate I can I I'll say that I appreciate you. I appreciate you coming in being vulnerable hun or like. No, it's no being sincere and being sincere, but love love. I like to reserve love for uh, you know, I guess, uh, I don't know. I guess I find out, all right, all right, I guess I guess I love. I guess I love you in this sense that like I love like spiritually, I love all
of humanity. And you're counting that, Okay, I.
Go take that as enough of a personalized love. I will appreciate that. I think. One more thing I shall completely forgot is that I do it's funny. I registered a white a white no, a website called Billy dot mom. That's not a joke, by the way, I have registered that.
Billy's that mom. I don't even I don't want to know what's on that work.
No, don't no, don't worry. It's not like porn or anything. It's just it's literally just like a Twitter alternative and that's it, which it's it's stupid. But I kind of after the whole thing, I was kind of like, I don't know, because I do a little bit of text stuff and I was like, oh, well, I wish I set like a website as I just thought Billy's dot mom funny, and then now I've kind of thought the the correlation between the two.
So yeah, I feel like I'm still not going to go there, but thank you for sharing, and uh, good luck, Billy.
I'll catch you soon, man.
I'll see you soon. I love you later, Billy, I love you.
Goes on. Thank you