Hello, Hello, Hi, Hello, Hi, hey, hi hello Hello.
How's it going?
When I was? How old was I? Maybe? Did you ever use AIM?
Absolutely?
How old? Can I see how old you are?
Yeah? I'm thirty?
Okay, yeah, so you've used AIM? I like, I used to have a lot of conversations that just went like, hey, yeah, hey, what's up?
Forever no substance, n m JC.
Cool, you know, and they're all gone. I don't know where my AIM chats are. I don't know if there's still I don't think I can still log into AIM. My I'm trying to remember what my my childhood, uh, like you know, we all had like like stupid emails. Mine was doctor Worm forty five at gmail dot com.
Wow, it like, where did the forty five come from?
I don't know where the forty five came from? But do you know where the do you know where the doctor worm came from?
No? Okay, it was I was just more interested than the forty five, I guess.
Yeah, the forty five is more mysterious. The doctor worm is a little bit more. Well, there's a they might do you know what the band they might be Giants. Yeah, yeah, they have a song called doctor Worm and it's about a worm who's a doctor that plays the drums. And I liked that song, so I might doctor worm. What was yours? What was your childhood email?
Yeah?
Yeah, it was KitKat like the candy QT the letters then nine to five, which is the year I was born.
KitKat qtie. That's good. That's a good I'm honestly, I am genuinely surprised that that wasn't taken KitKat Q.
But I added ninety five to it, So KitKat qt probably was kim.
But of all the thirty, of all the however old you were at the time, twelve year olds? True, that would probably because everyone puts now the forty five isn't isn't the year I was born? That would make me eighty eight years old? That would make me eighty years old. But uh, I'm surprised that wasn't taken. That's a good one. Kick kat qt ninety five.
It's all right, it is. It is not as embarrassing as it could have been.
You know, I wonder if by talking about this on the podcast will get emails to people.
Yeah, I'm connecting too, Yeah, Illy, As soon as I said it, Yeah, as soon as you asked, I was like, oh, I better give the crappy one so that if I get emails it doesn't matter.
What is your name?
Cat Kat?
Did you tell me that already? No? Okay, good, I think I'm losing my mind. Actually I'm not.
No, you're not.
You're not I'm not.
You're good.
Actually, I actually I mean this. I feel very sane in this moment. I feel awesome. I feel good. How do you feel? Do you feel sane in this moment?
I feel I'll be honest, it's a little surreal. I've been trying to call you for a few days and actually knew that today would be the day that we talk, but still tried, you know, the past couple of days. So I'm just still a little bit reeling that you actually answered two questions.
One have we ever spoken before?
We have never spoken before.
And then two, how did you know that today was going to be the day?
I hate to say it, but it was just a feeling, just a gut feeling. I have been having some life stuff going on, and today I am chilling at the hospital. My brother's getting discharged, and it's just a good day to be on the phone.
Do you are you typically correct in your gut feelings, like have they have your premonitions typically came true.
Man, that's a good question. I'm gonna say no, because I texted you a few days ago and was like, today's the day we're going to talk, and then we didn't. But upon further inspection, it was not the day we were going to talk. I just knew that we were going to talk at this season of my life where I'm going through this stuff with my family.
You know, it is kind of funny because if you're yeah, it is kind of funny because like if you every single day go today is the day, you'll eventually be right.
So exactly, you know, And that's kind of how I was feeling. I was like, you know what, today's the day, Today's the day. And then eventually it was right, And now I can be satisfied that I called I made it in. Today's the day.
Yeah, or you won't. Sometimes sometimes you'll say to day is the day, and it will never be your day. You know that. It's like kind that It's like, friends, hasn't been your day, your week, your month, your year, your decade, you're century you'r if I guess if the soul exists beyond death. What would you call that? That's not a lifetime? What's like, what's like a step above a lifetime?
M wow, great question. Oh gosh, like a soul cycle.
Yeah, it hasn't been your soul cycle. But if that was in the Friends theme song, people would be like, this.
Is too woo for Definitely it would not have been the Friend's theme song had it talked about soul cycles.
No, that would be too much. Well, you know, listen, I'll be fully honest with you. Is I think I've been? I just yeah, I don't know, just to like set a context for me personally. Is I think I've been? Yesterday? I think I tried to record this podcast yesterday and I was.
I listened yesterday and yesterday and I was like, wow, this is not He's going to try again tomorrow and we're going to talk tomorrow and it'll be better.
Yeah. Yeah, I I there's a thing when I record this, I I by the way, I promise, I promise. I'm not going to just talk about myself this whole time, but I just gotta get this stuff.
No, you're fine, I'm this is great.
Is that I tried to There's like I've been doing this for five years now, and and there is uh several, several, several, maybe even hundreds of times where I've sat down to try to record this podcast and I am I'm not feeling it, and I'm not in the right physical or mental existence to do it. And yesterday was one of those days. And you were there, you saw it, you saw it on the twitch stream. Yeah, but today, I
don't know if the vibe ance is kicking. I don't know if it's the fact that it's noon and not nine pm. But yeah, I'm ready to uh yeah, I'm I'm hit me with whatever you got, let's get Let's give it. I will give Let's give this a try, Let's give this conversation our best try on both ends, and see what the fuck happens. So what's up, kat So?
I am in Maryland. I am not from Maryland, but my parents and my little brother live here. And my little brother is like incredibly medically complex. Do later if you want, but he was hospitalized for an infection and is getting out today, which is amazing. But I came to visit him, and this is the first time that I'm seeing my mom since we got in a huge fight at Christmas.
Mm hmm.
Well, so I'm like, awesome that I get to see my brother, and I just have a lot of anxiety in my body because this is the first time since then that I'm seeing everybody.
And everybody is your mom and your brother, is anyone else?
Yeah, my mom, my stepdad, and my brother.
Are you cool with your stepdad?
Yeah, we're cool.
Can I ask what was the fight about?
Yeah, you can ask for sure. You know, it was like a culmination of a lot of things. I want to say it was about the basement flooding, and I didn't like jump up to help right away, but really it was about my mom not feeling cared for in our relationship and feeling like, ever since I chose this polyamorous lifestyle, that I don't have room in my life
for her. While simultaneously I am dealing with like, I have a lot of insecurities about my life choices and things that I think that my mom would disapprove of, and so when she tells me that she does indeed disapprove, I'm just like, Okay, I don't want to sit here and like tell you that it's okay and convince you that it's okay. Because I already did that for myself. I don't have the bandwidth to do it for you too.
Well, that's a that's a very introspective. Uh. You went from it was about the basement flooding too, it was about all these deeper things.
Yeah, I think the basement flooding was just the catalyst to get us yelling at each other, you know.
Yeah, yeah, it's no, it's never just about the basement. It's never just about the fucking the way ever stupid thing. But so you said, it's about your mom doesn't feel cared for enough.
I think so. And I'm putting words into her mouth because I've been avoiding the conversation, so we haven't had like the direct conversation. But if I could project and read her mind a little bit, it's that like, well, okay, So to give you even more context, in twenty twenty, my husband passed away and my mom like came up to Chicago to live with me for several weeks and
like really helped me, took care of me. And then that's been five years and I have grown and gone through a lot of therapy and made new friends and have new partners and just like have a totally different support system now, and I think my mom is feeling like cut out of that. Not that she's cut out, but I definitely rely on her less now than I did five years ago.
Does your mom have like her own life? I mean, she has her study, she is, she is, she's.
Married, she's married. She has my brother who's twenty five, and she and my stepdad are his like full time caregivers and will be until he passes away, which could be Well, we were thinking it could be this week, but now he looks fine, and so we're thinking like weeks to months. So, like she's with him a bunch. She has a job that she's really successful at. She has book clubs. She's hosting a baby shower girl in her book club. Like she's got stuff going on.
Yeah, interesting, No, it sounds like she's got a lot of shit going on. But like, I don't why is she feel like is she just like guilting you about shit?
So, like, my mental health has been really rough the past year and a half, And from her perspective, it is rough because like relationship turmoil from being polyamorous and dating multiple people. And from her perspective, my choices are contributing to my mental health from my perspective, which is, you know, more accurate because I am the one living my life. I know that the choices that I'm making
are getting me out of the mental health issues. But I think from her perspective, and also because like I said, I don't need her as much now, so I'm not relying on her as much, so she's not getting as much information about my life. I think she just has like such a limited perspective that she felt the need to tell me, like, hey, you are doing it wrong.
Yeah, I mean that's the thing when you have like when your fucking kids are I mean, that's the thing. When your daughter is thirty years old, you're uh yeah. I mean if you were sixteen and you had seventeen boyfriends or whatever, then maybe, yeah, maybe maybe maybe your mom is a little bit more justified and chiming in. But by by thirty, it's like, you know, whatever you have to say about my life is you know, you're entitled to your opinion about it, but you have no
you have no sway. It's like what's the Bob Dylan song, The times are a change in par fuck? Do you know the there's a line, it's about crap. Well, I want to look this up. Hold on, sorry, I want to look it up. I'm looking it up. It's just it's, uh, the times, they are a change in the classic classically from uh the opening of the Watchman movie. Have you seen that? Yeah, yeah, okay, he goes, it goes. Come come, mothers and fathers throughout the land, and don't criticize what
you can't understand. Your sons and your daughters are beyond your command. Bam. That's what that's what we got. That that's what we got. That's that's what's going on here, speaking the truth. So yeah, I mean your mom, your mom's got to listen to Maybe you should send her that song. Maybe maybe maybe you text her. Maybe you text her that song, and you're like, that's that's what you gotta accept. That's her journey is accepting that that
that little part of the song. Yeah, you know, And I get why that would make her hard to hang out with if she is has an accept Yeah.
Well, and it's too because like my mom and I were really really close, like I said, like she lived with me for a little bit when my husband died, and then even before that, like she was only twenty when I was born, so we really grew up together and like, are really close or we're really close question work, I don't know, and so it's weird for me too, Like I have a lot of grief about the state of our relationship currently and I'm like, ah, this is
not how I would prefer it, and that doesn't change that. Like, I just don't have the emotional bandwidth to convince her that I'm making the right life choices.
You can't you could, well, you literally can't, right right true? What well? I guess, Like, I mean when when when you talk to her about these things, how does that conversation go? Like are you like, hey, mom, listen, I'm never gonna I know you have your ideas of how I should be living my life and you're entitled to he I have ideas about whatever it is that you want, but I would I just di I don't want to hear them anymore.
She's like, but I'm your mom, and you need to hear what I have to say. You need to hear my perspective. But I'm like, but I don't need to. You need me to and that's different. Yeah, yeah, And I did, like I did sit and listen to her.
Like last let's see, in October, she flew out to see me and we talked like pretty intensely and emotionally, and I just straight up told her like I sat and I listened and I was like, yeah, I'm not going to change my mind, Like this is not a continu a conversation that I'm willing to continue having with you for you to tell me that polyamory is wrong for me, Like, I'm just not open to hearing your perspective because you don't know, you haven't done the research,
you don't have the experience, like you have your own insecurities around it, and that's I just don't want to deal with that and I don't have to. And she didn't like that.
Hmm. Yeah, that's a bummer. That's a bummer. I wish I had anything. I wish I had anything better to tell you other than that that's a bummer. Yeah it is, you know, Yeah, I don't know, because you you're like, if you like anyone out there, if you have a if you have a parent who's like unconditionally supportive of you, it's like it's like striking fucking gold, you know. Yeah,
And uh, it's hard to deal with it. If it's if they're if they're not, I'm I'm not a real therapist, or I'm not I don't even think I'm a fake therapist. I'm just doing a part I get. You know what, I guess if you call yourself the therapy gecko and you and you pretend to give people, yeah, I guess, I guess I'm yeah. Anyway, Well, well, uh, okay, okay. Have you ever talked to a real therapist about this? And if you do, what do they have to say?
Oh?
Yeah, I talked to my real therapist all the time.
What theist say?
She basically reminds me, like to use my tools and that I don't have to let anybody make me feel any kind of way, which is actually funny because that's advice that my mom has given me my whole life,
usually about other relatives. And then just like reminding me about some other therapy stuff, like wise mind, which is you have like the emotional part of your brain and then you have the logical part of your brain, and wise mind is bringing those two together and making decisions from both, and so reminding me like, don't just look at the details on paper, don't just look at how you're feeling about a situation, like use all of it and take all the data and make your decisions accordingly,
and just like reassuring me and my sense of self also because we've done a lot of work on that since my husband passed away.
What's your so like, I'm very what's your relationship like with your stepdad? I know we kind of talked about it a little bit, but like is he like because because the stepdad is is a bit of a central figure I think in this of like, you know, like does he play a voice of reason? Is he on your side? Is he like, hey, you know, give give
the kid a break? Is he what's his kind of Not that it really matters in the like fasting of all, not that it really matters in the processing of all of this, but I'm just curious.
I don't really know. I think for the most part, he just like stit out of it at Christmas, like try to me between us and remind us, like, hey, don't say anything that you're gonna regret. I feel like at that point it was too late though, I was already figuring out how I was gonna suddenly fly home and leave the trip, but for the most part, he's like encouraging to both of us to do it our way whatever that looks like.
So tell me, I guess, like, aside from what's going on with your mom, tell me about tell me about the polyamory stuff. What's uh, what's been your what's been your journey with that. I think about this stuff a lot because like I don't know, like being on I
don't know. I think these are not refined thoughts. I'm gonna think aloud for a second, but it's like I think there's something to be said about, like because I'm trying to figure out how I want to live my own life, and it's like, uh, there's something to be said about like committing to one person and then like you have like doing the work of like figuring it fucking out with like one person, and like you know, the idea, the idea is you pick someone and then
you grow with them and you fight with them and you work it out and you you continue on. But but the idea that like, like I don't believe like soulmates makes no sense to me. The idea of like there was there's one person who's one person who's perfect for you and you happen to meet them out of the infinite amount of people that like, that's there's no way.
There's is no fucking way. And I also I also believe in you know that like like the like the abundance of love and all that shit of like, well, I have you know, tons of friends. Why can't that exist? Why can't that you know, uh uh be? Why can't I have infinite love for multiple people? And the truth the truth is, I actually I don't think to say which of those things is to say, like, Okay, the path of commitment and we're gonna, fuck I'm just choosing
this and we're gonna do it. There's there's growth there, and there's positive things there versus the acceptance of like I'm going to live with just the utmost abundance of love and I'm actually going to uh learn how to juggle and be in like, you know, multiple abundant what's the word. There's a fucking thing I'm trying to think of like like like uh like anti possession kind of ship.
And I'm gonna learn how to be I'm gonna learn how to be so fucking loving to so many people that I have no desire to possess them in any way, you know, And I think and I think both both kind of lifestyles. There's no neither of them are uh you know correct, TM, They both kind of They both bring with them their own sense of you know, struggles and their own senses of of of benefits. So I'm curious for you which what how you know what your journey has been like on that.
Yeah. Yeah, So my husband I were monogamous and Christian, like super Christian. I was working in the church and he was super involved in the church. And when he passed away, there was also like some just like bullshit drama that happened at the church, and so the church
ended up closing. Also, luckily, I had another job lined up because I was trying to get another drip up anyway, and so I transitioned to working in marketing, which, like I was doing marketing for churches anyway, and then I avenge started dating very very casually, And in dating casually, I was dating a lot of people who were either
polyamorous or in open relationships. Because people who casually date are casual daters, right, It just makes so a lot of the people that I was dating we're also dating other people. And I was just like, well, yeah, sure, I could try this. I dated a guy for two years in Greece and I actually like flew back and forth to see him a bunch, and at first we were just super casual, like friends with benefits, but we were pretty into each other and if I was going
to be there, we would hang out. But we weren't like going to get married or anything like. We weren't committed as long as it served both of us. But then after being together for like a year and a half, I was like, well, we've put in so much time, like we should be more serious than this, Like we
should be committed committed. But for him, that looked like more exclusivity than I was comfortable with, because by that point I had already met other people in Chicago that I really liked spending time with, hanging out with, dating, cooking up with, and I wasn't willing to give up
those connections. And there was one in particular that Greek boyfriend was especially like insecure about, and he was asking me like, hey, if we're going to be committed and serious, I don't think that you should still be with this person. And I was like, but I love this person and I want to be with this person and definitely so I'm not going to do that. So we broke up.
And then my partner, Javan and I have been together and are doing well and we date together and separate and have other partners also, but we live together and like do life together, share finances, share an apartment. He's feeding the caps while I'm gone. I love our relationship. Our relationship is amazing and beautiful and wonderful. I just rambled a bunch.
No, No, that was great. That's great, all right, By the way, I like, I really do, I really, I I really do get I feel where you're confront because like people, you know, I think people mistake like, oh, I could never do that with nobody, can ever do that?
You know?
Yes, so that's yeah, probably I was going on, yeah, oh I could never do that with the pretense or the undertones of and neither can you.
Right, right, But I don't know. We live in we live in an abundant world where everyone can kind of fucking do whatever they want.
Yeah, And that's I mean, one of my core values is to do it for the bit, Like everything can't be so serious and sure. That's not to say that like my dating life isn't serious. Like I have a lot of very serious, committed relationships. It's the commitment and exclusivity are not mutually exclusive.
That's an interesting concept. Tell me, tell me more about what you mean by that.
Well, I'm wholeheartedly committed to my partner, Javon, and that doesn't mean that I can't be committed to other people. Also, it's like you were saying about friendships. It's like you don't have one friend and that's the only friend that
you do stuff with. You have a bunch of friends and for a bunch of activities, right, Like there's one friend you go to the movies with to see an action movie, and there's another friend you go to see a rom com and it's just like the same kind of thing, but for dating and incorporating sex and romance into those relationships also m h m hm. And there's no reason that you can only do that in one relationship.
Yeah, I have to. I have to ask though, because it here's the one thing is that there is a the one thing that you I mean, one of the one of the many challenges to the lifestyle I assume is that you have a finite amount of time in an you twenty you have twenty four hours in a day.
Yeah, and it's the most difficult thing about I mean.
Yeah, for for most people, it's like, I mean, polyamory isn't like forget about anything logistically. I mean, I'm sorry, forget about anything emotionally. It's just like logistically between you know, having to work for however many hours you got to work and having to do laundry and brush your teeth and go to that, you know, just do everything. I mean, how do you have genuine question, how do you have time to have all these commitments and all these relationships.
Yeah, I'm probably the wrong person to ask, because I left my job and started my own business partially to free up my time, partially because I was just ready to do that. But so there's that. So I work a lot less now, and the work that I do is significantly more meaningful. And then it also honestly helps that I am dating people who are dating each other, because then we can hang out together versus when I've dated people who are not dating the people that I'm dating.
It's like a lot more logistically challenging just to find time and I feel like that's the like, not argument necessarily, but like that's what I end up like getting frustrated with partners about is time management, either on their end or mine of like, Okay, well I've set aside this time for you and you didn't take me up on it, or like we had this date planned and you double booked or I double booked or whatever it is. It's like time management is like the most annoying part.
That's so no the thing you said about, uh yeah, like if you have two boyfriends, but the two boyfriends are also boyfriends, that's not perfect. That's perfect because you can go because that means you can go do whatever the fuck thing you're gonna do. And then your boyfriends are boyfriends ended up with each other, you know you have to worry about.
Uh uh, well, like last night, right exactly last night, like I flew out to Maryland and so my girlfriend was over at my apartment with my partner, and she like stayed over and then got up this morning and went to work, and I'm like, wow, how great that my partner was not home alone, Like how wonderful that he had company?
Yeah?
Yeah, and company that I love and trust versus like company that I don't know anything about.
What's your What business do you do?
I am a business consultant. I helped creative people organize their self care, passion project or small business.
Interesting, how long have you been doing that?
I started in January?
And how's it? How's it going?
It's going great. I love all of the clients that I'm working with. I'm doing a lot more well on one coaching than I was expecting. I was expecting to do more like small business consulting, where I have like contracts with small businesses, But actually a lot of the work that I'm doing is just like one on one calls with people who are doing some form of passion project and they just need help like with project management
or resources or training stuff like that. So I have a client that I'm helping develop a marketing strategy for her self published children's book. I have a client that I'm helping her outline her like branding guidelines for her own business because she doesn't quite have the budget to pay someone else to do it. But I was like, well, I can do it, but it's better if I teach you how to do it. So I'm doing that.
Stuff like that that makes sense. You know, you're very easy to talk to, so it makes sense that you have this like one to one kind of coaching job.
Yeah, it suits me. I enjoy it a lot. And I don't know. I have been in therapy like all of my life, literally all of my life actually since my brother was born because he's special needs, the like therapy center for him where he would do like his physical therapy. They also offered mental health services to the siblings. So I started therapy like super young and have just like I don't know, absorbed at all. And I like passing on knowledge, not just about like business stuff, but
everything like holistic care. And I really think that self care like is part of your work and your business. It's like the crucial part. It's the part that everything is built off of. So I'm glad that I get to do that for other people and with other people.
I'm gonna go ahead let me. I don't know what's going on in the twitch chat, but if you're down, I'll see if the twitch chat has any, uh any questions are you a real gecko? I'm not going to answer that. You should.
Speaking of are you a real gecko is when you're a little like intro theme song plays or your outro theme song, and it says, budd, he's not really. We say a gecko, Oh.
I gotta, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta update that intro song. I get a new one.
I know that's not the words, but it's fun.
So okay, here's a question. Someone asks if STDs are ever a concern.
Yeah, for sure. So we're just like really open and talking about testing and also using barriers, and we just have those conversations a lot more than other people.
Someone asked, uh, what was the transition like from being employed to self employed?
Fucking terrifying. I have like a good savings account that I built up for this, and it still like hurts me emotionally to dig into it. Like I know that that's why I have the money, and I'm like, oh my gosh, like I'm going to burn through my savings.
It's like that's literally what it's for. Yeah, it's really just like the mindset shift of like I am fully responsible for my income versus when I was working at a business, it was like there was a little bit of like sales and lead generation in my job, but I wasn't doing all of it. Whereas now I'm doing all of it, Like, if I need a new client,
it's my responsibility to go out and find a new client. Yeah, and that, Like I knew all of that going in, but it's still quite a lot to juggle and to get used to.
Are you you started in January?
Are you?
Are you? Are you in the green?
Not yet?
What's been your like process for gathering clients and whatnot.
So it's funny when I moved to Chico back in the day, like five years ago I did it or six years Oh my gosh. I raised support as a missionary to do that, And so I had like a pitch deck that I would show to people from the church and say, here's why you should invest in my position at this church, and here's the impact that I'm going to make. I just like took that framework and created it for my business. And so I made like
an investor deck. I scheduled call with a bunch of my friends and family and just anybody who would get on a call with me, and then I asked them to do something, whether it's like book a call with me to move forward as a client, refer me to someone else, or shout me out on social media, and then I just did that over and over again until I got a client load I was happy with.
I guess that kind of the missionary thing leads into this other question, Are you still a Christian?
That's a tough question. I don't think so. I don't know. I think there's a lot of value in the community that you get from the church. Like I have a lot of really close friends, like family friends from the church. I think church can be awesome. I think it also can be awful. The like party line from Christians is well, it's not God that makes church awful, it's people. And it's like, yeah, I get that, And I don't know. I'm more spiritual. I don't think I'm Christian. I'm not
like Jesus saves or anything anymore. But I'm also not anti church.
You know the dude. I yeah, people listening to this podcast know that this year for this this year has been unintentionally been for me the year of the existential crisis. And yeah, I've been thinking a lot about I've been thinking about things that I have not really I mean that, you know, everyone thinks about like, you know, what the fuck is this? And you know, how did consciousness get to be and what happens after we die and all that stuff. But this year, for this year, I got
like really, yeah, it's called existential depression. Like I got really into it, and I think it's the other day I was like thinking about it and I was like, oh, wait, I actually do think I'm like I was, I was like, wait, is there actually fucking might be a god? And I not in like a not in like a obviously like the god as it's kind of like the way it's
been like weaponize. Yeah. Yeah, like I hired being like like the way it's been like weaponized to like you know, uh other people and to fucking you know, like I don't think, like I don't think I believe in heaven and Hell, although I don't who knows I At this point it all all roads leads. All roads kind of
lead to there being no definitive answer. But when people talk about like, I'm not bothered when people talk about like God and Jesus because I think God and Jesus are just like they're just allegory and I don't know if allegory is the right word. They're just placeholders for
like a higher power. And when you really think about, like what a fucking miracle and like what insanity it is to like be conscious you you it almost like the fact like they're being a high there there must be a higher power which and it's not necessarily like a dude in the sky or.
Like mean to me, just like the design of like the earth one place where our like human being is able to exist and has the right oh zone whatever in the air and the like, all of that to me indicates like some sort of higher power designing things or orchestrating things.
Yeah. Yeah, but I mean there also is like you could take a nihilistic approach to it and be like
it's all just a random, chaotic, uh cosmic mistake. But still but but even but even but even if it's all a mistake and it's all random, it's like, well so the that's that still doesn't explain a lot of stuff, you know, So I don't know, but yeah, but yeah, the fact that it's like so I don't know anytime like when like uh like even like prayer, like I like I pray now you're like I find I've talked about this before, Like I'll do this thing like when
I'm like traveling like if I'm uh going through airport security and uh, you know, is that moment when you you like you don't have any of your stuff and you don't have your phone and you're just standing there and you're waiting, I'll like clasp my hands and look up.
And it's like wow, wow, actually pray.
Yeah, it's like pray. But it's again, it's not like it's not like Jesus or it's just like we randomly somehow got to evolve into these like con into fucking
conscious beings. It's so insane. There are there obviously there's like you know, scientific whatever of like the neurons create consciousness or whatever, but there's there's still so many questions that like can't be answered, and the answer is not necessarily like there was a God and he created the life and he wants you to you know, never have sex and never you know, direct like that stuff that
that stuff is all fucking stupid. But like the idea that there's something more conscious than us makes total sense. So I just I sub that in.
Now.
I don't get annoyed when people talk about Jesus or anything like that, because I just sub it in with like they're seeking a higher power, they seeking answers. You know, it's only annoying when people use it, Yeah.
Go ahead, sorry, Yeah, it's annoying when they like try and force it on you exactly, they're like, oh, well you should change your X y Z because I believe this. It's like, okay, we can stop this conversation now. Versus if they're just telling me about their belief system, I'm like, oh cool, tell me.
More, right, right. Yeah, it's annoying when they do that, when they try to push it on you, or when they like use it to be like, well yeah again, I guess, I guess, yeah, I guess. Actually all forms of like religious powered hatred are just like extremities of trying to force your religion upon other people.
Yeah, well, and I hate that that religious powered hatred is veiled under the guys those religious powered love. It's like, well, we're just telling you this because we care so much about you, like you clearly don't because you're telling me this mm hmm.
Although you know, it's fun and and I although to be maybe it's wrong to be sympathetic to this degree, but I also I was thinking, I was maybe it's wrong to be sympathetic to this degree. But I was thinking. I was like, I was like, you know, if I were convinced that if I were convinced unfallibly of these things, then of course I'd be like.
Yeah, I have the best news in the world I have.
Of course, yeah, of course. Uh. Louis c K has this joke where he's like, you know, like like people who are like anti abortion, like like they like in their minds, they think that you're killing babies, and so, of course if you think that people are killing But of course, if you're convinced that you think that people are killing babies, you're going to stand outside of the fucking planned parenthood. Doesn't make it right, but of course
that's what you're gonna do if that's what you're convinced of. So, you know what, I none of these are all just you know, things to think about.
I guess, but yeah, I don't know either. You talk a lot about like recording your thoughts on the internet, and I feel very similar. I'm like, oh my god, all of this is recorded, and I'm going to change my mind.
Tomorrow, Yes exactly, but whatever, I'll here's what Here's what happened is I'll change my mind. Tomorrow somebody will be like, well and hear you said this about this, and I'll be like, well, you know whatever I'm it makes Honestly, it makes me. Yeah, yeah, it makes me very I'm very happy and I feel very you see, you really get where I'm coming from on all these things, and that makes me. That makes me feel feel very seen. So I appreciate this conversation very much.
You're so welcome. And I know that you don't see it this way. But we spend a lot of time together.
This is true. It's true. You spend a lot. It's true. We have a yeah, yeah, sure, yeah.
Yeah, I listen. Do you talk a lot? So it makes sense.
Hold on, we might have another let me let me see if we have any more any more? Just questions from the chat. Uh. Someone wants to know how many partners do you have?
I would say three right now. I have a nesting partner, we have a girlfriend, and have a platonic partner who I've been with for ages, but we're long distance.
Right now, let's see, Oh, how did you meet your partners? Someone wants to know.
Okay, so Javon and I met on Tinder. We were just like looking at and then we actually really liked each other and like fell in love, which was a little problematic because we both had other partners at the time who weren't super chill with us falling in love. And then I met our girlfriend through Jon he already knew her. I don't know how they met, I assume on the app. And then my platonic partner we were friends in college.
When you say you had partners that weren't chill with you falling in love, are you, is it like do you have agreements with them where it's like, look, have sex with whoever you want, but like I want to be your Yeah, okay, that makes sense. Yeah, someone wants to know your thoughts on Playboy CARDI on what play Playboy carti?
Playboy CARTI? I don't know. I have none.
Okay, Okay, I don't have any either. All right, Well, well, kat I, I, is there anything else that did we cover all bases? If we didn't, we can come down so much.
I mean, I would love if you're cool. Isn't to tell you a little bit about my brother because he's like my fucking hero?
Yeah? Oh, also, yeah, I do want to hear about your brother. I also, uh, don't let me forget, but I wanna. We'll do this at the very end. I want to give you. Don't let me forget about this. I want to give you the opportunity to shout out your business. I don't know if you have an email, Instagram or whatever, but uh yeah, go ahead. Tell me about your brother.
So his name is Thomas. He has this genetic disorder called FG syndrome, which it doesn't matter what it's called, but it basically his body and his brain like don't connect the way that they're supposed to, and so that's caused a whole bunch of issues throughout his life. He we call him bionic Boy because he has so many like medical devices attached to him used to his spine. He has a muscle relaxer pump under his abdomen, like under the skin that sends muscle relaxer straight to his
spinal system. He has he's on like bagged nutritions instead of a feeding tube.
It just goes.
Directly to his bloodstream. It's really fucking cool. He likes to play piano, he likes to read books, he loves to watch movies. He was on a really big Marvel Kick. But then I think he finally got tired of Marvel after watching like all of the movies in chronological order and release order, like one hundred times over, I think he's finally moved on to other action movies. Now, let's see, he's quadriplegic, so he doesn't have functionally quadriplegic. He doesn't
have like full range of motion of his limbs. He can like turn pages in a book and like press keys on a keyboard, but he doesn't have very much control of his motor skills. He's wheelchair bound. He's nonverbal. He can communicate with like yes no with his eye movement or like he'll raise his eyebrows for yes or lower them for no. But for the most part, we just kind of read his mind.
Does he does he like type or write or anything.
He did type for a while, but it's like so much physical effort for him to be able to type that there's just very little that's worth it to him for the energy of communicating.
Is he's twenty five right?
Yeah, Well he'll be twenty five in September.
Sorry if you mentioned this, Sorry about is he Is he been like this his whole life? Or was it something that developed, it's.
Gotten like worse through his whole life. So it's like every year he's had some sort of medical complication, not necessarily every year, but pretty much every year, and so it's like usually one thing at a time. So when he was little, little, like there was barely anything wrong, so to speak. And then as he or his body just like couldn't keep up. Like if you're in a wheelchair and you don't like walk around and move your muscles,
then your muscles atrophy. So his body has just been like falling apart his whole life.
What was your what was your guys relationship? Like like uh, growing up, we actually.
Didn't realize that he was not also mentally handicapped until he was like fourteen, So that was the first time he ever typed a sentence before that. Like we were chill, but I didn't know he was in there, you know, so like we would hang out, watch movies, whatever. But like I was like, how quick can this relationship be? Like I don't know. We thought he was a vegetable, and then it was like, oh my gosh, he's not
a vegetable. He's a real kid. He's in there and can talk and tell us things, And I have a lot of guilt for like not being around more, but I'm trying to just let go of that and be around as much as I want to instead.
Does he have a nice relationship with your stepmom and your mom?
Yeah?
I think so. I think they so. During the pandemic, it was pretty rough because there was the shortage of healthcare workers and so it was literally just my mom and my stepdad taking care of him twenty four to seven, and they all got burnt out from each other. Now they have like nursing care in the house again, and so I feel like the relationship is much better, not just between like my brother and my parents, but even
between my mom and my stepdad. Like I feel like they finally get a break from caregiving.
Now, wait, where are you right now? By the way, I hear a lot.
Of people, I'm in the hospital lobby.
Yeah right, you mentioned that. What forgive me if you mentioned this already? But what's up with your dad?
My dad is a chill guy. He and my mom got divorced when I was young and my brother was young, so my brother is his biological child. Also, he's remarried. He lives with his wife in small town Indiana.
And uh are you is he? Do you guys? Like, are you guys cool? And you're cool with his uh his wife and everything.
Yeah, yeah, we're cool. He wasn't around a ton when I was growing up because he had work stuff and I was with my mom, who's his ex wife, And I have a lot of just like grace and understanding for that. And I talk a lot lately about how, like my dad, my relationship now that I'm an adult
is so much better. And then my mom kind of jokes like, well, that's because you lowered your standards, but like, yeah, it is because I lowered my standards because like my dad never asked to have me, like they just got pregnant. He did the best he could and left his wife and still like showed up for me. So yeah, I did lower my standards. I'm cool with that. But he and my brother haven't really been able to see each other, like since my mom and them moved out here to Maryland.
They used to live in Indiana. Also, m m.
Hmmm. I'm trying to think, was there anything else you wanted to you wanted to mention about your your your brother, your family or you know kind of anything at all before uh we get into uh I want to let you do your plugs?
Yeah, yeah, gosh, I don't think so. I'm just I'm so thrilled we got to talk today.
Yeah. Absolutely, here what's okay?
So?
What where do? If people want your your coaching services or yeah, any of these stings.
If you want help with your self care or your passion project or your small business, you can follow me on Instagram at Cat Makes Stickers. That's cat lob K. From there, you can check out my website if you want, or just follow. I also well buy the name. You can tell make Stickers as my like lead generating thing, so you can also see the stickers I've been designing and working on.
Cat Makes Stickers. There's no no no x's or underscores or numbers or anything. Just Cat Makes Stickers straight. Yep, pretty good. What kind of stickers do you make?
Whatever? I feel like just like fun stuff. Today I was working on a sticker of my mom's pets, but in the style of like the Stardeo Valley Pets.
Here, hold on, I'm gonna I'm gonna is it? Is it embarrassing? If I check this out? While we're on the phone. No, okay, cool, Uh stickers, Cat makes stickers cool? Oh you gotta Oh this is cool? Oh hell yeah, Oh you got the Powerpuff Girls. Oh hell yeah, you're really doing it. This is sick.
I'm trying, man.
This is like for helping folks.
With like yes I am, I am really doing it.
This is this is like helping folks with like ADHD and shit like that. Okay, sick, sick. No, well, look, I'll say this just by talking to you, is that I I I really enjoyed talking to you.
Cat.
You're very I can just you know, from the hour ish that we got to talk, I can tell you're very empathetic, understanding persons.
So wow, I I I'm gonna quote you on my website.
You know what I full you can, I will, I will endorse you. I will. This is I will give I have a full I don't know if what we I guess what we just did counts as some form of a one to one conversation, and so I will give you. I will give you a an official endorsement. Put me on the put me on the back of whatever CDs you put out, or anything like that. Yeah, yeah, Cat, is anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go.
You know what, No, I feel good.
This was great, perfect, Thank you Cat, having a good rest of the day.
You too, Bye bye.
That was a great conversation. I I I love I love talking to that person. That was That was great. That was really great. No, definitely, I hope she gets some busy that would be That would be super cool to me if she got some business off of this,
I'm gonna cool. One of my favorite things now is like, if somebody I love, like, if somebody shouts out their ship on the podcast, I'll like, after I released the episode, I'll wait a few days and then I'll go to their Instagram and I'll like, I like, I'll see the look at the comments and there'll be a bunch of people being like, GEX sent me here, and I'll be like, that's sick. I did that with the There was the there was of course the cave guy, and then there
was the woman on the boat. And yeah, it's cool. It's cool watching uh like their followers go up and ship. But yeah, yeah, shout out, shout out CAT makes stickers. That was a good conversation. Yeah. The more I don't know the more the more. I I don't know that was I don't know if I have any post call thoughts Aside from that, I think everything everything that was said is is was good. That was good. Hello, Hello, Hey, what's your name?
My name is Scott.
Scott what a Yeah?
And I started a weed journal in chat GPT last night, and like it's really weird because I feel like I've been more honest with it than like most of my therapists I've ever had.
You started a weed journal in chat GPT. Yeah, Okay, I'm gonna make some I'm gonna make some guesses as to what a weed journal is. First guess, a journal that you do while you are high on weed.
Essentially?
Okay? Is that wait? Essentially? Or what's a weed joke?
Well, I mean I haven't I have to do a bunch of shit already. So I'm like keep track of what I have, keep track of what I've smoked in the past, and like what I've said about it, and then kind of like asking me questions about like why I'm smoking and how I'm feeling and stuff, because you know, I know a lot of people in the show say they feel like they smoke too much weed and I'm kind of trying to figure out if I smoke too much or if it's actually helping.
Okay, So you so you tell it that, like you're like, Okay, I smoked this strain and this is how I'm feeling, and it's like, okay, got it, memory updated?
Yeah, pretty much?
Okay, and then you journal with it.
Yeah, you know, to give my life prompts checking in at like fifteen minutes after a smoke and in like an hour after a smoke.
All right, has it been gone?
Uh. It's kind of like getting me to kind of like experience it more because I kind of always felt like I don't really get like the stereotypical life high, you know, like the giggles, the munchies, you know, couch flock shit like that. But I still have, you know, been smoking and you know kind of just does to make it through the day and stuff. So I think kind of paying attention to it more is making me
feel the effects more. And it's also like, I don't know, just exposing some of my insecurities the way I'm like reflecting on some of the aspects of my life. I'm trying to you know, with more when I smoke or you know, like I said, smoking too much stuff like that.
Uh are you saying that uh Ai is exposing your insecurities or weed is exposing your insecurities.
The way I'm conversing with AI is because I guess I don't have the social pressure of it being an actual person, so I'm kind of like it's more like thinking to myself or like you know something like that. Kind of.
Yes, interesting, Well, yeah, I mean that's what by the way, you know, look, I've gone back and forth, you know, in my real life, like with my friends debating about AI and you know, reading about you know, environmental things and whatnot. But like, but I get like, but I mean, look, I use I use I use it every day. I use it every day to like do this ship and it does like help you think. My friend refers to it as journaling squared and I can't exactly explain what
he what that means. But then when he said it, I'm like, that makes perfect sense. It's like thinking to myself, but having something like reflect back at me. It's not good. Don't use it. I don't think it's good to use as a friend or a partner. I think that's where people can get tripped up because you don't want to do that. But you know it's not it's not it's a good partner for you know, helping helping you think,
not necessarily. I this is just my experience. I don't want to I know this stuff is like controversial, but it's like, yeah, for me, it it it. It doesn't like think for me, I'm not like, I don't fart into it and then it farts back something and I'm like, great, I don't have to think anymore. I use it as a tool to help me think and reflect and introspect and whatnot. And I assume that's what you're doing with this we.
Journal Yeah, that journaling square makes a lot of sense to me. Like I feel like journaling is like two open ended, Like I don't know what the hell to write about, so like having telling it to ask me questions and then kind of summarize that information back to me at some point, you know, to say trends or you know whatever. Like so it's kind of like it's doing the analysis of me, doing my own analysis of myself kind of.
You know, I'm gonna I know a fuck. I know this is controversial and maybe I'm an idiot for saying this publicly, because I might eat my words many years from now. But this is just my thought process of it, because my friends say that. I had a friend who said that we are the last generation that will have critical thinking skills because of AI, and I think, I
think that's a bold statement to make. And he may be write and maybe there are people who are more researched on this than I am, but I don't know. For me, I think it's not replaced. I I mean, you could look at it. It is like a thing that is again like helping you think because you're thinking with it. It's not like it's not telling you. I mean if you look if you're like if you use it to write poems for yourself and then you post the poems on Instagram and you're like, look at these poems.
I think that's stupid, like doing shit like that, and people do shit like that, and people use it to like do create. I like, like using it to like do creative work, I think is lame. I think that's antithetical. Yeah, I think I think using it to like create artificial art is dumb. And I don't I actually I don't know if it will ever even get to the point
where it creates good artificial art. And if and if it is creating good artificial art, it's doing it with the guidance of a human who is refining it and prompting it in ways that are art full, I suppose, but in the way that it sounds like you and I use it to like kind of as a sounding board for reflection. I think, is yeah, is is you know, is useful?
Yeah?
I mean I don't know, it might yes, sorry, go ahead, go ahead, just.
You listen to this podcast called Pessimist Archives. I think it changed the name and the format then that's why I off. But like it kind of started off as like, you know, saying like, well, I think the first episode was trying to find out like when was America great, like that we're trying to make it great again, and it's like, you know, it went back to World War two or whatever, and then they were saying times were
great then, and then you know whatever I want. I think it went like all the way back to like medieval times, and they were like, you know, essentially the conclusions like everyone always thinks that times were better in the past. And I'm also like, I think you know, like kind of the reaction to books is similar. Original reaction to books was kind of similar to like the
initial reaction to computers and stuff like that. So it's it's weird kind of like loop generational loop, uh where kind of everyone thinks what's super one the better.
I'm willing, you know, I'm willing to be checked on this. Let them, let the let the fucking record show. I'm willing to be checked on this. But I just while while you and I are talking about it, I I really what you just said resonates with me super hard. I really think every I think every generation thinks that the previous generation is stupid. Isn't that what keeps Isn't
that what keeps happening? Like like like all those like articles being like, well, millennials don't want to work anymore, Millennials spend all their money on like avocado toast. It's like the boomers thought the millennials were stupid, and then the millennials think the gen zers, and then we think that, like does doesn't that just keep happening? Isn't that like a cycle of like, yeah, everyone every generation thinks the
previous generation is fucked and stupid? There's certain and like, look, I mean there's certain things that are like I think, like undeniably true. These aren't but these aren't black and white things. You can't just maybe they are. I don't know. I mean I say all this stuff, and then someone sends me a link being like, hey, there's empirical data to show that suicide rates are up and oppression is up and anxiety is up. So we have actual data
to show that times were better before. And I'm like, ah shit, maybe, I.
Mean it's all relative.
I guess it's all relative. I don't know. You could probably have some fucking chart. Yeah, actually, now I think about it, Yeah, there are probably a lot of there's probably a lot of like again, empirical data that can be like no, no, no, these aren't feelings. We can actually prove logistically that the quality of people's lives were better in this period of time. And and and then I look at stuff like that and it makes me. It makes me less optimistic, but I don't know.
Something done. It's also like, well, what about you know, if you think about you know, America in the fifties or whatever, like it might have been better for white people but not black people.
You know.
So it's like that goes back to it being like relative.
It's like there's never going to be well. I mean, I feel like the idea of peace has like gon out the windows since like nine eleven, So, you know, I feels like there's never going to be like a you know, utopian world where everyone you know, even though that's kind of the goal, and hopefully one generation you know that even if they say some stuff is shitty, you know, like then the next generation will still have other stuff that they push forward even if they bring
some stuff back. So it's like hopefully, you know, the averages progress forward in the end, but it doesn't really feel like it always.
These are big questions.
Mmm.
Yeah, there's a big questions to think about. Maybe I should get some like experts on the podcast. I feel like I'm always just like spinning my own wheels on a lot of this shit I'd love to like because you know, the more I research and more I like, look shit up, I'm like okay, because I'm always like, all right, there seems to be smart people who come up with like two smart well researched people can come up with different visions for the future. You know, I mean,
I don't know. People are saying like, I don't know, man like people people are saying like the dollar is going to collapse and the end of the world is here. And then there's people being like, you know on the thing of like well yeah, yeah, everyone every generation says that the previous generation was fucked, and then you can be like, yeah, but this time it actually is different because X, Y and Z.
But every generation also thinks the world is gonna end. Remember back in twenty twelve.
Right, yeah, yeah, remember when the fucking trailer for that movie came out. I was terrified. I really thought the world was going to end in twenty twelve.
I remember being like on the beach by day and just like kind of looking out at the horizon and being like it is just a weird vibe for sure.
Yeah, yeah, I don't know. I want to have this. I want to have this conversation because I'm trying to check because I'm like fighting, I'm always fighting with myself of like I want to believe that, like I want to believe that like the world is how you see it, and that perspective is everything, and that that applies on like a individual level as well as a societal level.
But I'm also there's also people who could be like, hey, you're actually a big, dumb, fucking hippie and all this shit is happening and we don't need your hippie fucking nonsense right now. We need X, Y and Z. So yeah, I'm like, I don't know, I'm wrestling with that ship.
But then, like your own perspectives can lie to you too, you know, like when you're talking on like depressed is like you know then, I mean in that moment, I guess that is your world, but you know, kind of overalled.
Not necessarily.
Yes, yeah, depression can lie to you. It can tell you that, oh, I can tell you a lot of your your thoughts, and your brain can lie to you, and so and you can I I I see, I don't see why optimism can be I mean, yeah, yeah, optimism can be uh checked and uh dissected and pulled apart. But so, I mean, on the same coin, so can pessimism. So I don't know, may be fine, Everything's gonna be fine, right probably maybe who knows what's going on in your life.
I don't know anything about you, and we've been talking for fifteen minutes. I only know that you smoke weed and talk to chatchybt.
Oh, I don't know. I'm tying. I got married Blake a little less than a year ago to the person i've been less since we're sixteen, so it'll be like we've been together half of our lives.
The Lahaiam very good. How old are you now? I'm thirty two, thirty two and you're married to the lady you've fucking met when you were sixteen. Yep, okay, yeah, I'm curious about your life because you are, like your romantic life is the polar opposite of the previous callers romantic life, and so I'm curious on your you have like the exact opposite uh romantic life stories. So I'm curious.
And we got to hear her you know, struggles and her benefits to that, and so now I'm curious you took the opposite route of like, I am going to commit to this person that I met when I was sixteen, and I've now it's been sixteen years of commitment. It's interesting. So what's going on? What's going on with you? Tell me about that lifestyle.
I mean, it's kind of one of those things where like I see why that sounds kind of crazy to people, but like it just feels natural to me personally. We actually met on like a Reptar fan page on Facebook. I like made a comment referencing a song by this band that references Reptar, and she like noticed it, knew the band as well, and then saw that, you know, we're from generally the same area. So she added me as a friend, and literally my first words to her
where do I know you? But then from there it turned into like a couple hours long conversation. A couple of weeks later, we were at the same concert and like saw each other but didn't actually interact. And then, you know, we lived like an hour away from each other, so we were, you know, in high school having our parents drive us back and forth on weekends to like
see each other. Once we finally started dating months later, and yeah, I mean there we had like a really big fight a couple you know, like a year or two into our relationship that you know kind of led to some really hard times and I probably still kind
of feel the effects of it as well. And then there was a point, you know, a couple of few years ago where she was kind of going through some mental health issues and you know, sort of wanted to take a break, which you know, I gave her, like her space, but she wanted to you know, potentially go on a date or kiss someone else and stuff. And that was kind of like where I drew the line. And I don't think she necessarily wanted to do that.
I think it was kind of you know, not like a midlife crisis, but kind of something like that and more related to you know, mental the butsher was going through mentally. But yeah, so I don't know. I mean, we've lived together, we have three cats and a dog, we've owned a house together. It's uh, I mean yeah, like you said, it kind of goes through all the a lot of the stereotypical kind of like beats, but like I said, it feels it just feels natural.
Isn't that the core? I love this? But this is one of my favorite episodes of the podcast lately because isn't that Isn't that so cool that two completely different lifestyles can both feel deeply natural to respective individuals. It's interesting. Yeah, I don't know if you were here when I was talking to the previous person, that's cool to me. Okay, what the fuck was I going to say? What do you do for a living?
I work for a place orders for a company that makes musical accessories and also distributes like pro audio stuff who are like owned by a big parent company that
like trades on the British Stock Exchange or whatever. So when I started at the job, it was a family owned company and had been for like four years, and then they sold like a year after, less than a year after I was there, And so it's been a lot of dealing with the corporate bullshit, Like, you know, every time we have a town hall meeting, we have to hear about the investors and how they're doing versus you know, oh yeah, we're so good working on our
total package rewards even though we're not going to give you a raise, you know, shit like that. So that's frustrating. And I actually tried to start a union at one point, but only one other person was actually had the bass to try to join me.
Sorry, I know I moved on from this topic, but I actually remembered what I was going to say, is that I I think I've read I don't know if this was a tweet or if this was like something I saw on Instagram.
But like.
Someone said something of like I think breaking up is
like not not for everybody. Of course, this doesn't work this way for everybody, but like for like long term couples, like breaking up is like part of the relationship in a way, like having a little like I know lots of couples in successful relationships that like broke up or like went through really hard times, and you I think you start to realize that like going through not always because we do live in a chaotic, random world and sometimes a breakup truly is a breakup, but it does
seem that like you know, going through uh, like a tough time or a disagreement is like a not not disagreement, but I mean, you know what I mean, Like it is a fundamental part of like the relationship process, you know, because because that's that's it's it's because yeah, kind of like we were talking about the previous caller is like you know, if you're committing to somebody and you have there's like there's just gonna kind of be like natural points of friction,
unless if you get really lucky and really aligned with a lot, which a lot of people do. But yeah, if you're committing yourself. There's just naturally going to be ah friction, I think.
For sure.
Yeah, I think that's one of those things where like, I mean, it's kind of cliche, but like can make or break you, you know, like it shows how how much your committee, you know, shows whether or not you feel, you know, like life would be the same without that person or better or worse, you know. Kind of. I think it's, you know, also sort of a life directing thing where it's like you kind of have to because something's changing so drastically in moments like that, you know.
I think that's the you know, something like that day. But it could be like, you know, kind of like a wake up call type thing type put time to reassess, you know, and just kind of figure out your priorities. I guess, what.
Is your name again?
Scott?
Scott, Scott, the Wed Journal guy.
We'll forever be known as that.
I'm trying to if I have any other questions to ask you, Scott. Let's see, how long have we been talking. We've been talking for about twenty three minutes. Okay, so you what okay, well, all right, let me ask you this the Weed Journal, the reflections, you know, I think we talked a lot about like I think I think I went on too big of a rant about AI in general that I actually forgot to ask you on a personal level, what if any conclusions you have come to as a result of this weed journaling.
I mean I pretty much just started it like yesterday. So so far it's kind of been just like reflecting on why I wanted to start it, which, like I said, I think is kind of tied to both how I feel the effects and uh just like insecurity about the fact that I do smoke as much as I do. I really think that like the nineties propaganda against smoking, like I'm fucked with my head, you know, like I I cannot imagine smoking a cigarette, and like I feel
like guilty smoking weeds sometimes. Uh So it's kind of a weird place to be into.
Mm hmm, yeah, I do too. I came to this. I'm my I'm still on my weed journey. I'm not going to pretend like I'm like, well I was thinking about this, uh, like I'm on, I'm I'm on a big like medication journey, like trying to find like like like work with like psychiatrist and shit, trying to find like medication that works for me. And I went on this thing of I was, I had this thing of like, uh, I came to a pretty hilarious realization for myself where I was like, well, I don't want to have to
be on a drug every day. You know. That was I think one of my big anti like SSR I uh talking points. And then I was like, wait a minute, I fucking smoke weed every single night. I'm already on a drug every day.
You know, that's a good point.
And once I came to that point, I was like, oh, yeah, fucking duh. So yeah, I don't know.
Yeah, it's also kind of ironic to me that, like I was, I was straighted until I was like twenty three. Look, I didn't even have a drink of alcohol or anything, and I was kind of like part of my identity, not you know, not to the point where I was like only going to see you straightedge bands, DIY shows and shit like that, but you know, I labeled myself as straight edge and like would tell people that if they offered me a drink or whatever, and so yeah,
I don't know. It was kind of a weird shift transitioning from that to you know, having a drink or two here or there, having a smoke here and there, and now i'd you know, smoked a couple of times three times each day. So yeah, that's I guess that's happened over the last like eight or nine years. And even I stopped a weed for maybe like a year and a half. I had some shit where like I
was passing out and my heart stopped. Uh, not necessarily related to the weed, but the first time it happened was like when I was smoking and eating too much. So yeah, it's just yeah, it's been. It's definitely been an interesting and continues to be an interesting like a trip kind of figuring out what works and what doesn't. And I'm kind of on the same with like the
medication as well. Like I was on luxopro for a while and it was really worse, but then it was giving me like bad side effects, so I weened off it on its life. It really like it was like the lowest I've probably ever been and now about to start prozac and see how that goes. So it's kind of it's yeah.
Scott, what let me think, is there any is there anything else you want to cover or do you think we did it.
I think we did it all right.
Cool. It was good talking to you, Scott. I hope I hope that you continue to live a nice.
Life you as well as a get go in the computer.
Have a go in, Scott. That was so perfect, What a perfect episode to have. I loved the I loved that contrast that was. That was juicy to me because like, I don't know, I went on the whole like polyamory verse monogamous commitment rant, and then both callers embodied lifestyles that were opposite yet yet were very natural to them. That's so it is so fascinating to me and so interesting that they both happened to call in right after each other. So that was I liked that. Do I
have any other post call thoughts about Scott? I liked his voice and he was a nice guy, and that's it. Hello, Hello, Hi, what's your name? Lars? Lars? I'm going to warn you about something. Okay, I think over the past hour and twenty minutes, I don't know how long the last two calls took, I have I think I have hit my limit on deep existential philosophical conversations. Okay, Oh you sounded so disappointed. I could tell in your voice that you sounded really.
No, no, no, absolutely not no, that sounds great.
I also feel like I'll just well, did you have something you wanted to talk about?
Maybe like a couple of things?
But yeah, go ahead, go ahead, fuck it.
Okay, So I heard you were talking about relationships earlier. I don't know if you still want to do that. I got out of an eight year relationship recently.
Okay, And how you doing.
Doing all right? I actually just got into a new relationship with a trans woman.
Okay. Where'd you meet him? Bumble bumble? Yeah? And how's it going?
It's going great. I mean she's fantastic. Yeah, I have no complaints.
Okay, Okay, what when did you break up with your previous person?
Oh?
A couple of months ago probably, And I moved where I was living in March, and we broke up a couple of months before that, so probably in December or something.
Very nice, very nice. Okay, Wait, you said you said you said a couple of things. What would the other thing be?
Oh? I called, I emailed you actually earlier and you read my email on the stream?
What's email?
Who?
Which email were you?
Uh?
The douche Canoe story.
Douche can.
Yeah, we put a bunch of douches on this guy's door for years. We like pranked him and he was like he didn't know who it was for like years, and then he found out it was his girlfriend who was actually now his fiance.
That's kind of that's good, Like I'm trying to remember that. Uh, what do people do? People still use douches?
I honestly don't know.
I don't know if I've ever seen a douche in my life.
Or like this plastic thing that's like, I don't know, it's got like a two.
Maybe this is yeah, maybe this is a personal question. But have you ever used one?
No? Not personally, you know.
Okay, so they're not like part of every day hygiene.
No, I think they aren't for special occasions.
Okay, what does it actually do?
It like cleans everything out, you know, make sure that you're nice and clean.
Interesting do most women use douches?
I think both. I think everybody used to uses douches on occasions.
Oh, like you could like you can put them in your ass. Yeah yeah, okay, yes that makes sense.
My girlfriends here right now actually is us laughing?
Where do you? But where do you. Yeah, I feel like I've never seen one. I've never like dated anyone who used one or anything like that. I've never I mean, I've used a bidet' I've watched with a bid day. Let's sit answering you a day in a douche.
Days are in a toilet. I guess I don't know. I think the douches get more up in.
There the the days are sick. I got to get a day I had. I used to have a sponsor of the podcast. It was like, Tushy Bedey, I think I gotta get a bedat sponsor. Yeah, do you have a do you have a suggest Who should I? Who should I reach out to? Oh?
I don't know any brands Off the top of my head.
Was Tushy. Well, okay, I'll, I'll okay. I'm glad we had this conversation. I'm going to try to find a bidet sponsored so they can send me one nice okay. What else? What else? How's the weather where you are?
It's pretty overcast? Yeah here in Washington.
Washington's Washington. Does Washington get cold?
Oh?
Yeah, it gets pretty chilly in the wintertime, But right now it's a mild, humid, kind of rainy day.
Dude. I think I've been to Seattle five times.
Five times. I've seen you one of those times I went.
I went once in twenty twenty one to do one of my very first live shows that was like a DIY live show, and then I went in twenty twenty two for a tour, and then I went in twenty twenty three for a tour, and then I went in twenty twenty four for a tour, and then I went again in twenty twenty four to do my Reptile Rave. So yeah, I've been to Seattle five times.
That's awesome.
That's crazy.
How was your Reptile Rave?
It was fun. It was fun. We did one in Seattle and then we did one in New York. It is fun. Although you know what's funny is I do remember when I did my New York Reptile Rave. I was like standing up on the stage while we were they were the DJ I was playing, and I was from I had a moment where I was looking out and I was there and I was like, wait, why did I do this? I don't like I don't necessarily
like raves. I just wanted to. I just like doing things that's the main reason I like doing things in person. You know, I have fun. I today, I really enjoyed doing the phone call podcast. I really enjoyed. I'm enjoying talking to you. I enjoy talking to the previous caller and the color before that. But I may I feel as though I mainly thrive, uh, you know, in in the in the universe. And I think that the rave was an excuse to be more in the universe, you know,
just have a party, just be around people. You know, maybe I'll do more ship like that. I don't know. I like I like stuff, I like people, I like experiences.
What do you like?
What do you like?
Oh?
Uh?
I like to be home alone and do art respect respect.
Do you and your girlfriend do art together?
We do? Yeah, digital art and I do more like physical art. So then we put like our art together. She like does something digitally and I'll put like textures on it.
Do you do you act like you're better than her because you do physical art and she does digital art.
No, we respect each other's art equally.
Okay, Okay, that's it would be fair if you did. I was talking to my friend about this yesterday. Uh, like, I think it may philosophically, it makes absolute sense. Why if you're vegan, why you would think if you're vegan and you think you're better than everyone else, First of all, you're right, and the second of all, you're you're entitled to that opinion because it's so clearly I don't know why I'm bringing this up, but this is just the
concept of thinking you're better than one. It's so clearly unethical to eat animals when we don't have to, and so if you do that, you're just you're I think you're literally better than everyone else. Yeah, I don't do that. I eat. I've I've killed thousands, and not personally, but I've contributed to the murder of thousands and thousands of chickens and cows and pigs throughout my life, and I will and I will continue to do that for I will just continue to do that for the rest of
my life. I will never even attempt to go vegan or vegetarian. And if I ever meet a vegan or a vegetarian and they say to me what you were doing by eating meat is wrong and I am better than you, I will I will agree. I will agree with them. I think I think it's true.
Yeah, I mean that's pretty fair.
You know, I don't know. I don't want to. I guess are you? Are you better that I think you might be? I think not. I'm trying to. I think if you don't use a computer, you're probably better than everyone else. Like if I, if I if I were completely off of social media, I would absolutely be all the time. I would be thinking I'm better than everyone else. There's a I've because like I've had times where like by by times I mean time, I mean I did this once. No, I no, I do this fairly often.
I do this fairly often. Where like if I'm on if I'm on this, like I'll have like a forty two minute subway ride and I'll be like, you know what, I'm gonna turn my phone completely off, oh wow, and put it in my backpack and just observe and just not be on my phone and just like kind of be in like a I'm gonna use this as like
meditation time to just not be doing anything. And the whole time I'm you're looking at everyone else and you look up and everyone else is on their phone, and it's great because you just you just get to soak in being better than everyone else. Yeah, for that, In that in that moment, I'm the most enlightened and awesome person on the train, and it just it feels great. Yeah, but I can't tell. I don't think I can do that my whole life. If I could, I would be
insufferable all the time. If I could be if I could live the kind of life I think. I think if you have the like will power and conviction to live the kind of life where you're abstaining from any and all things that could be remotely considered unethical and you're not and you don't eat sugar, and you don't go on the internet, and you just live like like a completely holistic life, I think you. I think, yeah, you're you deserve You've earned being the ability to be pretentious about it.
I think mm hmm, yeah, definitely. I mean, yeah, if you can do all that, I guess.
Dude, if you can do all that and then you walk around think you're better than everyone else, you I think you deserve it. I think that's the prize that you get for being able. I and I and frankly, i'd rather have wait, hold on, I'm gonna blow your mind right now. Okay, I'm gonna blow your mind. I'm
gonna blow your mind. Frankly, I would rather just you know, eat the meat and uh like, use the internet and do the things because I'm abstaining because I because that would by doing those things, I'm abstaining from thinking I'm better than everyone else. And you know what that makes me do? It makes me think I'm better than everyone else.
Yeah, yeah, it's a loop.
It's a loop. My abstinence from thinking I'm better than everyone else subconsciously makes me think I'm better than everyone else, which is really awesome when you think about it. That's great. Anyway, what's your name again, Mars? Mars? Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?
I hope you all are having a great day and gagnation beautiful.
Thank you, Mars, Thank you.
Bye.
Well, there we go. We did it. We did a podcast. What a great episode. I want to thank Vivance for helping me make this episode. I want to thank the I want to thank the I want to thank Diarrhea for not having me have it right now. I want to think what am I gonna eat after this?
Oh?
Yeah, I'm gonna eat some sushi. I have a little bit of sushi in my fridge. Okay, thank you all for listening to this podcast. This was a good This was a good episode. I was talking at the beginning about how sometimes I sit down to record and I just can't do it. And when that happens, I usually go, oh, I can't do this anymore. I can't do this podcast, Like this is my in my brain telling me I cannot do this anymore. And then the next day I'm like,
all right, let me try again. But I'll do it in the morning, right after having some coffee or some shit, and then I'm in the zone and I'm like, all right, I think we can do this shit. So I don't know, but and then tomorrow I'll probably be like everything sucks forever. I think that's life. Life is like. When things are working well or your brain is in a positive mode, you're like, Oh, everything's gonna be great forever now. And then when they're in a negative mode, you're like, all right,
this is it. This is how my brain will function and how my life will be for eternity. But really, you're just going in and out of all that shit. I don't know for me, personally, it's how my life has gone so far. I'd like to have a nicer baseline anyway. Okay, thanks for listening to this podcast, thanks for listening to the ads, thanks for calling, thanks for being here. And we'll do another one. Well, this one comes out on a Wednesday. We'll do another one on Sunday. I might do an IRL on Sunday.
I don't know.
Yeah, it depends on how I'm feeling, all right, gek Bluss, Hello, folks, it's Lyle here. That's the end of this episode. But get this, I'm releasing a bonus episode this week. That's right, an entire extra hour of the podcast that you can listen to by becoming a premium member of Therapy Gecko
over at therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. Supercast subscribers get access to bonus episodes, they get a completely ad free podcast feed of the regular show, they get recordings from my live shows, members only streams, and they help support my ability to continue doing this podcast. So here's a clip from this week's members only bonus episode.
I kind of just wanted to, uh get your take on what I do, which is very similar, I think to what you do, which is put a fully rat costume on a little animal costume, put myself out on the internet, uh, and kind of use that persona to explore my mental health journey.
Interesting. Okay, so let's I want to I want to get a full scope of this. Here, you dress up as a rat on the internet.
Mm hmm.
If you want to hear this full conversation, you can sign up to become a premium member at Therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com or find the link in the episode description that's therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. All right, I have nothing else to say. Go on taking your phone calls every night. Never be get Goost on his ride.
He's teaching you to housing live your life, but he's not really an expert.