Hello, is this Caesar? Yeah, Caesar, you texted me and you said you wanted to talk about the topic of love in the strip club.
Gone right, yep, yep, I remember sending that tax Yeah it was. It was crazy, crazy night and I don't know how I did.
It, but yeah, what was What was your night?
Let's see kind of started with the whole thing with the strip club was buddy mine. He told me he's never gone to the strip club. This was around I think Christmas Eve or day after Christmas. I'm like, all right, I got you, let's let's go. It was off work to the first time ever taking him to the strip club. I was kind of feeling under the weather. It wasn't really feeling it, but I mean wanted him to experience strip club the first time. So I took him out.
He did his thing, and which just went back home. Come the weekend after Christmas, I was feeling much better. I wasn't sick anymore or anything. I was like, all right, I couldn't enjoyed myself the other day, I want to go out have fun by myself. I'm gonna try again. Went to the strip club, chilling there by myself and strip club being. I mean the I know they don't like being called strippers, but the entertainers, stancers. They there's not much of an imagination. They don't leave much to
that day imagination. You get to see, you get to see pretty good things.
Sure that's I think that's the point.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just I get there, sit at the table. I get a waitress come up to me. They're fully dress, just working as well in the strip club. Comes up to me. I'm still sober her being so even right now. She came up to me, asked her what I wanted to drink, and I saw how beautiful she was, and like, just like right now, I'm fucking up with my words. She had me speechless. They didn't know what to say. Whatever. She was like, okay, I got you. She she understood that. She even laughed and
chuckled that I couldn't get my words out. She brought me a drink. She actually brought me her favorite drink, and throughout the night she was my waitress and kept bringing me more and more drinks, more and more drinks in my system. Have a bit more confident that liquid courage and I had the brightest idea and the dumbest idea to ask her if I could get a lap dance from her instead of a stripper that wanted from her,
because she was beautiful to me somehow. Do you agree I thought I was about to get kicked out or something. She agreed. I'm not expecting to see anything more than just just a regular lap dance, her fully dressed or whatever, because I find her very attractive. What I got to see more than than what I was from what I thought. So and now so many private room getting the lap dance or whatever. But you think there be a leapt dance. No, it wasn't even a left dance. I was just she
tried to do the dance. But I was just there talking to her, just pouring myself out to her, just telling her how beautiful she was and everything. And if if it was through a different situation, a different circumstance, I like to get to know her and everything else, just I myself.
So okay, so you guys are back in the private room and there's no lap dancer, just you're just sitting there and talking with each other. You're pouring yourself out to her emotionally, and you say, if this was another situation, yeah, yeah, okay, she said, what did she say?
So, I mean, yeah, it did start as a left dance, but conversations kept going. But yeah, I mean, strippers have stage names, waitress have their real names. And in the beginning she gave me a real name, and we actually she wanted to exchange socials and contact information, and I'm like, okay, cool, maybe an actual shop here. But I mean at the time, I'm just drunk, happy on winter, not really thinking. I just kept going with the flow, had a good time within her talking.
Yeah, okay, so was this recent?
This was let's see, the weekend after Christmas?
Okay, So have you guys, I mean you said the topic of this was love and the strip club gone rights? Has this continued to go?
Right?
Have you been in contact with her? Has there what's the situation been or was it all the matrix?
So once strip club over here, I'm not sure in other places. Strip club over here closes at two, and there's only one other place in the city that is open a little after hours nightclub. I go over there and just I kept partying. I'm me and her, We're messaging back and forth. I invite her out, and she agreed. She wanted to come out and everything. Then what's it called? She got stuck because they are also the keen up crew at the strip club. Okay, she couldn't come out
that night, no problem. Next morning. Next morning, I realized what I've done. I'm apologizing. I'm so embarrassed and everything.
Why are you? Why are you embarrassed? Why are you? What's the matter?
Because now I'm sober and I'm realizing that somewhat remembering what happened last night, I poured myself out to this chick that I didn't even know that well. And I embarrassed myself. I'm telling all types of things and everything, and like, I mean, everything that I said was truthful, but I embarrassed myself. I was just, I guess what's it called, very lost for words, and her beauty just brought it all out. And then I was drunk.
Were you were you telling her like were you just like kind of like emotionally pouring out to her about her or were you kind of like talking about like your life and whatnot?
Oh no, not my life? A butt her like that. I wanted to be with her, said her, to know her more, like just I told her a lot of things about her or me wanting to know her. And I just met her that night, and mind you, she's showing me a lot of things city all of that very first night.
I have to well, I have to ask. I have to ask. So even though she wasn't a I guess a stripper, were did you did you did you tip? Did you tip her in the way that you would have a stripper giving you a lap dance?
Oh? Yeah, because I mean at the time, it's still just I wasn't expecting exchangeing contact information. I'm still paying for a dance.
Okay, so very in you. You message her and you're apologizing for all this stuff, and then what does she say.
She actually wanted to hang out anymore? Really? Yeah? And we kept talking here and there. She helped me do run some errands. I needed help. I needed an extra driver to pick up a vehicle. She offered to help me out.
Really, but yeah, you guys are hanging out and she's running errands with you.
Yeah, she sent me her actual address, picked her up, run the errands, I took her back home. I'm thinking I'm just taking her background dropping her off. That's it real quick. Now. Where we sat in front of her place, maybe over two to three hours, just talking in the vehicle. And come New Year's you had New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, I mean, everyone's out partying and everything. She had to work. Marchington the problem. I'm out partying with a few of my buddies, and she actually had time
to meet me at the after hours nightclub. So we're over there and me and her hanging out. She's meeting my buddies and everything. I mean, she was at work. I was with my guy friends new Year's with New Year's ball drop or whatever. Like people usually kiss New Year's as soon as it happens. I was my buddies. I'm not kissing none of them. She was at work. I don't know if she was kissing on anyone or not, maybe one of her girlfriends or something at work coworkers.
But once we were met up later that night, it's New Year's Day now, maybe like four o'clock in the morning, we're still at this club, and I had actually when she got there, like, so, what you got your New Year's kiss? Shit, I'm like no, She asked me if I got mine. I'm like no, I didn't do anything. But she went for it. She she engaged it and everything like all right, cool, little late to a kiss, but kept going.
All right, okay, it sounds like, you know, it sounds like it sounds nice. It sounds nice so far. So this was New Year's Day, that was about twelve days ago. How has how has this evolved or not since then?
So kinda in the same city, but with my job, I'm kind of on the road countryside, city side as well, working on the river. I mean, she's also going to school, still working two jobs and things like that. So first week and second week of January, it's kind of like message here there. We're both basically we're both adults and stuff. We got things going on, call each other hand there, try to out whenever we can to see when our schedule is line up. But we both know we're business.
We're not we're not trying to Uh, she's not all in my business. I'm not all of her business. If if we may want this to work out, we're gonna try. But it was a good start to the New Year's If if this doesn't go anywhere, I have a good memory of how my New year started.
That's nice, man, that's nice. What's your name?
Your name.
Yeah, you gave me your name. Hold on, let me look at it against Caesar. Mm hmmm, that's a nice story. Caesar. What's your your I'm curious about you. What's your Uh? How'd you find this podcast? How do you find me? I'm just curious. I'm curious.
I don't know if it was usually going not, so what's it going? I think I was following at one point, on and off, on and off, But I've always seen the phone calls, the reals kept coming up and everything. Some of them I like funny and everything. But then I don't know. Sometimes I just be cleaning out my uh my followings and everything. But I can honestly say I've unfollowed I think a few times, and followed back on and off. So some people do it and everything.
But yeah, I like your content, content and everything. I've never heard of someone you were out of country as well.
Uh yeah, well I've never heard. That's interesting to me. I've never heard of somebody like I get like unfollowing someone, but I've never heard of unfollow and follow back, and then I like that the back and forth is a new.
Not not rapidly like at the same minute.
I know not pressing the button rapidly. But I know what you're being No.
Yeah, Like, at one point I'm like, Okay, I'm liking the content. I'm watching all the videos and everything. I like it. And later on just I don't know, a wave of different emotions or some shit I just cleaned out all of my followings or whatever, like, oh, let me just refresh my feed get a different feel of things. Then later on, oh I like your content, I start following again, and they just be back and forth.
But yeah, so you're on the So your job takes you on the road.
Yeah, whenever they call wherever it is that they need me, I gotta go.
What is the job?
A mechanic for boats?
Cool?
Wherever? Wherever our company boat is that there's multiple boats. But wherever they're at and something's messed up to I have to go fix it.
So I got some questions. So you really poured yourself out to this waitress lady. How's your love life? How's your love life been in the past? You strike me as an emotionally vulnerable man who you know, takes chances when it goes to what's what's your love life been like?
So let's see back in high school high school days now, I was an actual lover boy and everything, try to do everything to please whoever I was with. But I'm sure people some people may relate, some people may not.
But when when when you actually care for someone and that someone that you're with at the time treats you very badly or does you very dirty, or like you find out the hard way that you actually don't mean shit to them or whatever, It's like that changes or kind of hurts you very bad where you tell yourself You're never going to be this vulnerable again. So I became kind of an asshole for a very very long time. But anyone, anyone that i'd be interested in, like, I
try a little bit, but I would hold back. I wouldn't be as open as I was with this girl. And I said I was never going to be that vunerable ever again. But I guess it was just me being very drunk and seeing how beautiful, beautiful she was. It's just all of that came out.
Do you feel like over the years people have been have like taken advantage of your emotional vulnerability?
When when I start to open up a little more to whoever I'm with, Uh, like Yeah, they see they take advantage of how nice I be, or like I try to offer her. I try to offer help. I think a long time ago an ex of mine, like an actual I considered this one an actual ex because we never hate each other nothing. We only split up because of work. Work wise, we'd never have time for each other. And later on we talked here and there, and I actually offered her to move in with me.
Went free. She doesn't have to worry about paying any bills or nothing like that. She can continue working if she wants. I can take care of her, and she can go back to school. I offered that to her. We were in the we were in the moment of actually trying to move her into my place, but with the person or situation she was in the with someone else, it backfiredled her very badly. Now to this day, she's actually still with the person and in a very bad space.
She what's it called? She agreed in the beginning we were actually moving the stuff in and backed out last minute, and now she's suffering for it and no one, no one ever will ever get that offer from me ever. Again.
Interesting, Okay, so how did it make you feel? She's like moving her stuff in and then she's like, you know what, no, never mind?
Well I told her because she said, like, we passed up the street from my place, and I called her and told her, what's going on? Why did we pass it up? Like? Oh, but the person she the situation she was with at the target, like, oh, he wants to talk in person, he wants to explain himself such and such and everything, like I was kind of aggravated about it and whatever. I can't do anything about it. She wants to go talk to him. Impression, okay, I told her. I told her it's either today, we do
this now, or you'd never see me again. So she went to go talk to him, trying to see what was going to happen. She told me to just go meet her meet up at her grandma's place. I'm at her grandma's place. We're waiting on her. As soon as she pulls up, she says, oh, he wants to try again and everything. I didn't even let her finish. I just I loaded her case from the vehicle and I left. Mm hmm, yeah, was.
That the last before this waitress warming? Was that the last sort of romantic situation you were in?
Huh? Oh yeah, I think so. I mean, I mean there's another other uh what's it called people around that. I've been with some things, but it's never never been anything deep or emotional. That's just a pastime.
Mm hm m m. Do you feel like you will be able to because that's rough someone being like all right, I'm ready to move in with you and then be like, actually I want to try to go with my ex and there's ship is you know halfway in? That's rough. Do you believe, Caesar, that you will ever be able to open your heart again?
I mean I won't and all the uh what's it called people have been with, it's it's me pursuing them or trying to get to know them. And I feel like if I stop trying, it would just come to me if someone actually wants to get to know me, and if I see they show effort, yeah, I'll open up to that person.
That That's what everyone always says. That's what everyone always says, is like you uh uh, you know what's the people say like the minute you stop looking is when it happens. And I would I would amend that a little bit because you have to put yourself out there and you have to take chances in order to meet new people
and whatnot. But I think what they I think what they mean by that is, like, you know, you can kind of tell, you can kind of tell when somebody wants to put effort towards you when they don't.
Yeah, Like, let's say so, I usually try to enjoy my myself going up alone sometimes here and there. Like I may go to a bar. I would drink myself just I'll look around, see what's going on or whatever. But I'll sure you can't really findly love at a bar. People in there may not be happy or for someone to go into a bar is a reason that they're there,
h it's not isn't a good thing or a bad thing. Yeah, But I may go to a nice fat have dinner by myself or something, look around, talk to a waitress here in there, see how they're day did if they continue with the conversation and be friendly or whatever, like just actually have an actual conversation, not hit on anyone, see where it goes, and so and so whoever you speak with at the time, and like and the actual
conversation and they continue more conversation, more conversation, exchange, contact, inspiration, like, don't I wouldn't expect them to be sitting them sending me good mornings or updates on things or whatever. Just like they'll call here and they like, hey, yeah.
You can tell. Yeah, you can tell the way that somebody's texting you or carery communicating with you, whether or not they want to be yeah, yeah, and yeah, and just try. I think you were getting on the ID subject and it's just like, yeah, not trying not to like force ship you know.
Yeah, mm hmm, Caesar, what happens I out of time?
No, you're not, There's there is no there's no concept of being out of time. I mean there's death that's being out of time, neither dead. Are you still in a car outside of your house?
Yes?
Oh I forgot. We don't.
We can.
We can leave this in, but for context we Caesar and I had this conversation for like the first two minutes of it, and then I realized I was a recording, So I asked him if we could redo the first two minutes of this conversation, and I can.
I don't.
Yeah, I'll mention that, but ninety nine percent of the conversation was what you guys heard. But I realized in that one percent is where the information that you were even or no, no, we're not alive. We're just I just I I I just put I put the phone number on Instagram and I just started recording. But it Uh, I forgot that the information that you are parked outside of your house was in that bit that was lost.
Uh.
So I'm gonna I'll go. I'll let you get back into your house. Caesar. I appreciate you sharing your story with us, and I think you're gonna have something tells me, Caesar, something, something tells me that you're a You're a You're a sweet guy, and love will find its way to you. Something tells me that I'm not just blowing smoke up your deck.
What's it called? So? Uh you saw a message, correct, the one that I said?
Of course, yeah, of course that's what I called.
You said, this is this isn't live? Correct? Uh No, Okay, Now, if you want to post clips or sorts of it or whatever, I'm cool with it and everything. If you could kind of lead my name out, that's things.
Oh sure, wait is your name? Is your real name? Caesar?
Oh? Yeah, I should have used the fake name.
Okay, all right, Well, we can do that, Brandon. Let's let's put.
Uh you know, you know never mind.
Yeah, really, yeah, serious, you want to put out there?
Put it out there? Because I was about to say, like, so that girl from Strict Club, that's one, and there's kind of a few others that I'm not trying to pursue but are kind of in conversations right now. So yeah, whichever is in the least, it's the one I spend more time.
Okay, I see what I see what you mean? I a bit you're are you are you worried that this podcast will will be found by one of them an influence?
No? No, I mean I like your content. I mean I did tell you sometimes I don't follow what I follow, but I like your content. Like it's weird, it's funny, and it's a guy and a great in a get Go suit. I like it. To me. I don't think that would ever come on to their feeds. Hopefully, hopefully it does, like I want you to get more most people to come through, but highly doubt it may come across their feed You're.
Telling me that you don't believe that in general, beautiful women have therapy. Gecko come across on the Instagram feed for sure.
For sure, I'm sure you get get callers and beautiful women coming through, like, uh, what's it called from the two that are kind of in conversation with right now. Uh, I don't know, maybe maybe it might come across. It's just two two people, righture.
But okay, yeah, all right, I'm gonna this is all right, this is I'm gonna take this as your final answer that we can keep the name Caesar.
Yeah. Yeah, and I'll possibly just just burn myself and ruin all chances.
But you don't have to burn I can I tell you something and listen, I listen sees you don't have to burn yourself genuinely. I mean, I'm sure I think you my my my view of you from the half hour that I've been talking to you is a positive view. So I don't think that this would negatively. It seems to me that women and this is, by the way, this is like a dude. I read a book about this when I was like twenty. It's called Models by
this guy, Mark Manson. But actually, I think certain certain kinds of women are really attracted to, uh, you know, a guy who's who's emotionally vulnerable and honest about his
feelings and whatnot. And so I think I think that the waitress at the strip club that night, you know, the thing that I guess you found embarrassing, I say, it seems as though that actually, like the authenticity of that perhaps drew her in, you know, and you strike me as an authentic guy, So I wouldn't look at any of this is anything to be embarrassed from my perspective.
Yeah, yeah, I get it. But like she is the only one that I kind of that kind of really knows me, somewhat knows me. But part of me, yeah, there's another part of me, Like you said, you see me as a nice, genuine person. That that's your point of view of me, correct, h h. But other side of me, I'm actually kind of still an asshole.
That's okay, I don't but love it. But I'm going to refute this real quick because I don't think that the part of you that's kind of an asshole necessarily negates or refutes the part of you that I am perceiving right now. I think that those two parts of your existence, uh, can coexist as you are a dynamic, multifaceted human being.
I feel like sometimes I'm probably long, but I feel like sometimes that autistic because you kind of lost me there a little bit.
Oh, I love.
No.
I feel like if you're artistic, if if you are autistic, would have been locked in.
Sometimes. But like, uh, I'm good with words, but sometimes I also fucking my words as well, and also with the chicks, I'm lost for words as well.
So I get you.
Man.
Yeah, today, he's also kind of been a long day.
See, it's been nice talking you, Suess. I'm gonna let you get back into your house. Anything. Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?
Mm hmm. I hope everyone finds love, true love and not get taken advantage of.
Thank you, brother.
Don't be like me. Don't don't be like me, be an actual good person.
You're doing great man.
Yeah, this year I said I want to change, I want to be better, so.
More take care of Thanks for sharing, man, I appreciate you.
Nice talking man you Caesar.
That was Caesar. That was really that was interesting. I want to an update from Caesar. I really do like of all the like callers that I would want updates from that I can think of in my head. Caesar is one. Caesar doesn't strike me as someone who listens to the podcast. I think he just follows me on Instagram. But if he does happen to listen back to this, give me an update, Caesar. Caesar, I want to hear from you. I a lot of people I'm like, don't call me back for another year. I want an update
from Caesar. I would be very happy to hear from Caesar again. Call me back and call me back in a month, Caesar. I want to hear how your love life's going. I'm invested in.
This all from Jude.
Hello, Hey, Hi is this Lyle?
Yes? Hi?
Who's this?
Oh?
Hi?
This is uh Jude.
What's going on, Jude? How's life?
I think it's going well so far.
Yeah.
I mean a lot's been happening in the last few months for me. But all things considered, could be could be worse. I guess that's something to say, But I think it's going just fine.
You know, was there any particular reason why you wanted to call me today?
Honestly, I just saw you were online and I figured I I have tried calling you before on like other fronts that I've kind of already had, I guess sort of like topics in mind for but I just didn't think you were gonna pick up. So I was like, whatever, I'll give a call and shit. So you know, I'm a little uh I guess, uh no, that's that's okay.
You know.
Uh.
We put this podcast through like a background noise removal thing, so I don't know if it'll pick this up. But you sound like you have a baby in the back.
I do absolutely actually Ceas just throwing a ball around right now in like my apartment courtyard.
Is that your baby, Yeah it is, this is your base. Okay. I have a really important question.
Mm hmm, go for it.
Have you seen the movie Marty Supreme?
I haven't yet.
No, I've been hearing great things though.
Ah fuck, all right, well shit now I can't talk about it. Okay, it's a great I can't why I can't. The question I had for you would require me to spoil the movie, and so I don't want to go.
You know what, It's all right, though, go for it all No, that's like it's too important of a spoiler, is it it is?
Yeah? No, you should go see that. I actually haven't yet fully talked about I mean, that's not what this podcast is about. But I haven't talked about yet how much I loved that movie. Everyone should go see that movie. It's a good movie anyway, Okay, And I can't tell you. I can't tell you why, but I can't tell you why I brought up that movie without spoiling it anyway. All Right, you have a child, feel like.
I might have. She's too and a quarter.
How old are you.
Twenty six?
Oh shit? Okay, dude, what's it like being dad? Was it like being a dad?
Honestly, it's fucking insane, like people always say it, you know, the moment I saw my kid let changed for me and you think it's like a load of shit, but it really isn't. Actually, it's pretty intense, Like you feel this really primal sort of like emotion that you've never really ever thought was even anywhere within I guess like reach.
And it's just sort of like, I don't know, your DNA gets fucking changed, and it just says like you have to protect and fucking provide for this little thing for the rest of his life, you know, Like it's it's pretty it's pretty intense. She's she's yelling at me right now that she doesn't want me to play with her. But even now I'm like, yo, that's that's kind of shitty, but you know, I got to give her a space.
And uh yet it's it's a whole array of emotions because I mean, you know, people they always ask you like, are you ready? But I don't think anybody's ever ready for any moment because, like you know, every every instance that that happens, when when it comes down to like having a kid is sort of just like absolutely brand new. They kind of die at the end of every night and are reborn every morning because they're just constantly fucking changing.
So it's it's like you you have to take care of a new person every single day and you just have to kind of adapt to this like incredibly unreasonable force that just has your face.
What's your name again?
Uh, I'm using my kid's name, but we'll go with Jude.
Jude. That was you're you're a well spoken gentleman.
Jude.
I enjoyed that description. It is interesting a new person is born every day. You feel like you're going up against a different child every day. Like it's really that it's that inconsistent the personality is is ever evolving?
Yeah, you know, I will say that the interests they'll they'll stick. And so, like, I know, she loves blue and that's not going to change for a good minute. She loves the rolling Stones, that's fine, gonna change for a while.
She she she's two.
She's two in a quarter. Yet she's really like aware for her age. I always get people kind of like, generally I don't know, kind of questioning if I'm lying about her age because she just seems really and I know everybody goes, oh, my kid's soul blah blah blah blah blah, but like I don't, I don't consider she's not over here fucking you know, in three years. I don't expect her to be Beethoven composing symphonies like fucking death.
But I do think she's uh got, I don't know, Well, like this, this kind of believes into something else that I've I've kind of had in mind about like that I read this series, this book series that really dipped into like reincarnation and ship, and I'm just like, this definitely is not this kid's first rodeo, Like he's been around.
That's fascinating. Okay, all right, I have. I have lots of questions. Uh anyway, First of all, I put a pin in the uh reincarnation things. I want to talk about that. But she's two years old and she likes the rolling Stones, Like does she like the rolling Stones in the sense that like you put on the music for her and she likes the music, or does she like does she like know who they are? Is a two year old conscious enough to understand mick Jack's existence.
I will say that she's she's aware of of influence, like as in sometimes she'll see me try to shoehorn some of my interests into who she is, and that's just like a natural part of it, you know, Like I don't know, I I guess if I had to think of like something, even if if it's like as my new as what I'm about to bring up. We go to this little sushi cafe right down the street from us, and I absolutely love of the fucking choshu
pork that's in that ramen. She hates it, and I always go, you know, trying to go to her like, oh, this is the these fucking knees you should eat it too, and she was like no, no, no no, And it kind of works that way with like generally her interest too.
I mean, she didn't fuck with Batman forever just because you know, she she really likes bright tones and just h I guess he's an optimistic kind of kid, and our relationship is sort of like a Batman Superman kind of thing, where it's just like she's this bright ray of light that sort of like is just unfettered and shines. And I've always been more kind of a pessimistic, kind of detached person. So it's like, you know, as much as I would want her to love that man, she won't.
So when I put on the Stones, she was just like it was it was jumping Jack Flash, and she just started moving her little fucking head, her little fucking heat, and I was like, okay, well, I'm gonna introduce to you what this band is called. And she she recently also kind of picked up on Nirvana too, and it's just, honestly, it's just fancy shirts. I think that's kind of what helps kind of introduce the concepts of these musical groups.
But generally music has always been something that's fascinated her.
So but you said to me, sorry to interrupt you, but you said that you are a generally pessimistic, detached person. Did that Did she change any of that in you?
You know it? It definitely took uh uh, she did, she did, for sure, But it took some time because I mean she was born and you know, my uh my baby mama, because we did separate, she was always more on the optimistic side of things. But for me,
I just like, I'm not even joking. The very first I want to say, like thirty forty days that she was born, I would up till like four in the morning just fucking watching her breathe, making sure she like didn't spontaneously die on me or something, or you know, like sometimes kids will roll over and or you'll hear like, oh, you know, if only someone was awake, they wouldn't have choked on there, like you know, fucking they drink and ounce too much of milk and they're gone, and it's
like holy shit, you know, and it it bleeds into a lot more than just that. But I will say, she's she's she changed a lot about me, m and for the better.
You know.
It's just what happened with your baby mama.
Honestly, it was. It was just kind of the age old story. It's funny. We we fit a lot of statistics, like almost down to the tea, And it was actually something that I kind of had in mind where I was like, maybe I should start being safe about, like, you know, coitus, because I remember, hold up, hold.
Up, what what do you mean by you fit a lot of statistics?
So?
Do you know what the average amount of time that you have to for lack of a better word, right now, bang someone to get them pregnant, like concurrently through you know, like a period of time that you're with them for like on on average.
My guess, I think it's a lot, right, Like it's it's hard to get pregnant, like people have to try.
Well, I think it, you know what. And I don't remember if I looked at the age range that we were when this happened, but maybe it's very specific to when we were. I believe we were twenty three and twenty two ish and it's eight months and that's exactly when I googled that. And then I'm not joking, Like two days later, she's like, yo, I'm pregnant. I'm like fuck, okay, wait you were like.
Fuck okay, okay, hold on, you were you were like you just you keep unraveling. You were like, fuck, okay, but yeah, were you having unprotected sex with this lady for eight months?
Eight eight months?
Just we you know, were you pull an ounce?
Yeah?
Yeah, of course, you know, right all over the back. That's what you gotta do.
But you know, were you doing it? Were you doing it at the last minute?
No, well, for the most part, yes, But I will just say I know when I conceived my child, and I know exactly why it happened, And honestly, it's because of the fucking uh Friends Christmas episode where Phoebe's singing a happy kitty sad kitty at that cafe.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
So there's this friend's episode. Honestly, it could have been any fucking Friends episode. We were we were traveling like to Arizona because that's where my siblings are, and she she came along with me, right like we were a ers. Well we were some months in the point is it'll kind of lined up to that day like when I
trace it back. Obviously I don't have like the exact timeline etched into my head, so I can't give you exact, you know, details on it, but I will say a thousand percent that day I fell asleep on top of her because I was I was we were just you know, like shit, we we got a motel, we might as well use it.
And I have to keep a sorry, sorry, sorry, I keep interrupting you, but I'm trying to. Okay, you're good. Okay, you're telling me that an episode of Friends.
You're telling me on top of her.
Okay, so you're having sex with your girlfriend and then while watching, while watching Friends, and then you what you come in your sleep?
I think I just like I was so bored and just like I guess numb to both like this act we were having at the time as well as like this episode of Friends that I was just kind of like, I really dropped the ball, you know. I was distracted, fell.
Asleep with your You like, okay, so you're having sex with this lady. Girlfriends drifting.
I was drifting to sleep. I was like in and out of consciousness, and I was like, I should stay up. This is happening, and but you know, Friends was on in the background. I was like, this isn't doing it for me. I was in Austin, Man, I drove like nine hours.
I've never heard of somebody coming in there. Well okay, well, okay, all right, hola haha, you had a wet dream inside of a girlfriend, is what I'm hearing. Yeah, essentially, that's hilarious.
Yeah yeah. But I do remember also thinking, like day, maybe I should get Plan B And at the time I didn't know they cost like eight bucks at Costco. And I was like, I'm not I just went on a road trip. I'm not trying to drop fifty bucks.
I don't have to tell you how much more expensive having a child is than Plan B.
Oh, one thousand percent. But also I was like, I mean, we've been doing this for how long? And it that happened? Like, okay, I slip up once? What what are the odds the one time I fall asleep while you know, just a little underprepared that it's gonna happen.
And okay, so I mean it's so she it's okay, So she tells you that she's pregnant, and what's your first response?
A fuck?
Straight up? I was just like, I don't, I mean, I'm mind you, I'm I'm fuck. I was twenty two, twenty three ish around there, right, and I uh sorry, I got a text that kind of distracted me a little bit. But I I was twenty two or twenty three. I was in and out of college at this point in time. I just dropped out again and I was working at a coffee shop broke as fuck. Like my last you know, tax thing or whatever's like twenty grand in California. I was like, I can't afford a baby.
And also, I don't think that I should be passing my dreams down, like they're not that great. I'm like five eight. Most of my family has like a history of mental illness. And I was like I was in a real tony soprano thing where I was like, my shun, what what the fuck did I give my shun? But my shitty fucking dreams, you know.
So what's your life like now? Like, what do you do? What's the what's your You're an interesting guy to me, You're you know, you're smart, dude. I'm curious what's going on with you.
I've always said my life is like kind of predicated on like two very distinct forces, and it's like luck and tragedy and uh. For the most part, recently, it's been just a lot of really cool, lucky breaks where you know, I knocked her up, and I it's funny. So when I found out she was pregnant in that week, this crazy shit happened where I I basically had to save her life so the end, and we thought my
kid died. So it was this whole other thing. I won't get too much into it, but essentially I I I got hooked up with the job out in a really big, touristy rich area and so now I kind of I work maybe five, like maybe thirty hours a week.
I came home with, uh, wait, how did your how did your wife almost die? What the fuck happens?
Oh?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, So I mean it's it's kind of crazy. So I have I have various theories on this, one of which is so it's funny. She she had gone to the doctors during the time that I'd met her for this, like Ovari insist that she had, and they told her, like, it doesn't matter, nothing's gonna happen, like
it can just fucking stay there, It'll be fine. And so then either one of two things was, uh, you know, because my my uh sperm was in her and there was a little thing at two weeks or maybe like the size of a fucking pentoben that pent being probably like shop on the cyst broke it. And so she's she's a really recalcit trent person, like very headstrong and ornery. So I'm not even joking. I remember we were in bed and she was she was fucking just she looked
like ship. She looked like she was gonna die, and
she actually was. You know, like at one point in time, I was like, you know, are you sure we shouldn't, you know, go to the hosports and she's like, no, no, no, like it really really really fucking hurts, but I'll be fine, and and then we both dozed off, and when I woke up, her lips were pale, she was cold, and I like smacked her a few times and she just was unresponsive, and I was like, you know, I finally ended up getting a kind of like really drows.
Like, h.
Oh my mom, And I was like.
Your mom's not gonna do shit. I'm gonna call nine one one.
And she said that like you said that exactly, like ause, he's I'm sorry, I'm gonna call that.
Yeah, no, exactly that That's probably how I sounded in the moment too. But I I ended up calling the ambulance. And this was so when I say we dozed off, it was it was again like and I don't remember who started what I mean, she felt like shit, but somehow like the mood came about and that was when that was when it got really really bad. Was and also at that time it was just like again, I'm like, twenty two twenty three.
Dude, s down track with me real quick. What do you mean the mood? The mood guys at the hospital.
No, no, no, no, this was before before we knocked out. We went for another round, and I like, again, you're.
Jude, You're Jude, Jude. I think that down dude's down track of man, okay you yeah, this lady, this lady is falling this okay, your girlfriend is like pale and and you called did you call nine one one?
I did a thousand percent right away?
And I guess what happens?
So then they come and they tick her to the hospital. They have to like do some crazy surgery, and they tell me point blank, they're like, your kid's probably dead and she might. Yeah. They were like you're you're cause it was like a two week old thing. It was it was a tiny, little, like very just new form of life again, like the size of the fucking pinto bean. And so they were like, the kid's probably dead, like she's lots of ships on the blood. We're gonna have
to do with surgery. And I remember asking them, like, she'll she'll make it though, right, like at least she'll make it, and they're like, ooh, I mean no promises. I was like, fuck, So I'm just like, my kid's dead and my girlfriend might die. That's crazy, you know, But yeah, no, she she ended up pulling through and then they, uh, they they ended up realizing that, you know,
the kid was still alive. But she she again was like basically recovering from surgery, and it was like the first two weeks of of her my kid even being of any kind of like existence. So they told me straight up like probably the next ultrasound, it's gonna be like fifty to fifty, whether or not there's a heartbeat or even anything in there.
Oh wow that How did that make it? Okay? By the way, also, the way you were telling that story before, when you were like because you were going in and out of two different stories, and it made it sound like your girlfriend got really sick and then you guys started fucking again.
You understand, Oh no, no, no, thousand thousand percent, and.
So Jude, I'm gonna stop you.
Okay.
So okay, So when you're when you when you were told that there was a fifty to fifty chance, like, like, what, how did you feel?
Like?
What was going on in your because I because you initially because like it's an interesting emotional roller coaster to me because you initially don't didn't you were like, you know, afraid to even have this baby, and then when you hear it's a fifty to fifty chance, like, what do you like? What's going on in your head?
Yeah?
Well, I mean when we first got there and they told me it was dead, I mean it felt like I lost, I lost my kid, I lost And you know, I never I never didn't want her. I just always wanted to like kind of brace her mom for who she was gonna have this baby with. So I'd just tell her like, hey, I'm up for it, I'm game. But you know, obviously you're like eight months in a dat and you're not gonna disclose everything about yourself. At that point, you're barely out of like the honeymoon phase.
So I was just like as blunt as I could be. I told her. I was like, look, I mean, we could do it. And then she was at whatever. Anyway, I felt devastated. I just started bawling and crying and I could have fucking I shut down, dude, I was.
I was just not even there.
It felt like some some part of me separated from from who I was and just would never come back. And then lucky, luckily enough, there was a chance, and and so it was nothing but hope. I was just like, I mean, I think I think this thing's gonna want to be born. I think it's gonna fight this fucking you know, and it and it did like against the wants man, like you know, she just Kanda is here now.
Interesting, all right, let's go back to this thing I put a pin in earlier about you're you've been reading a book about reincarnation.
Yeah, so it's it's a series by Yukio Mishima. It's called The Sea of Fertility Tetrology. And it starts off like really super benign. It's just I mean, this guy was a far right radical kind of guy who in his books is trying to I mean, it's the whole reincarnation part is a different aspect of who he is
or what his beliefs are. But essentially in the book, there's the central kind of figure who chronicles the lives of one of his best friends who comes back to life and dies in like ways it just kind of establish who he is. Like it's sort of like his hubris ends up being, you know, it not only a defining factor of him and his you know kind of like coming back every time, but it manifests in a
different way. So like the first time he's kind of obviously going through this is his friends just like this really pure, dainty, kind of like noble guy who's just you know, absolutely just in denial of of being anything other than than pure. It's like, of course, I don't like this girl, Like that's stupid. I'm I'm I'm the embodiment of of what like pre World War One Japan and bodies and and it's this whole other thing with like you know, the quot shifts and shit.
But so so do you believe that, like, uh, your kid used to be someone else?
A thousand percent. I think a lot of us used to be people in other lives before this one, Like there's there's certain mannerisms in me that a lot of people kind of like jab at and they're like, what the fuck is that, dude? Why do you do that?
Like you're not You're not. And it's it's something as simple as like I've always had this proclivity towards likewing my head like just slightly every time, I like, excuse myself for and I'm like, where are the fun I'm Mexican bro like and and and and that's the things like nobody understands you. They're like, you're you're fucking weird for that. And there's other things where I'm like, I'm pretty sure I was like a Japanese dude in my past.
Was about to say. I was about to say, you like, it's so funny to me that you read a reincarnation book by a Japanese guy and your conclusion was like, I was a Japanese guy in the past.
I was a Japanese guy.
So so what's next for you?
Jude?
What's uh? I You've given me a bit of a picture of how you got to be living the life that you're currently living. Oh what did you kind of tell me? What happened with the baby mama. So it's I mean, it sounds like you guys had a kind of a close relationship. Yeah, you like like what, yeah, did you? Did you mention what happened there?
I didn't, and it was it was anything like crazy drum. It was just again, you know, we we sit a lot of the statistics where it's like eight months we got pregnant, fucking two years after having a kid, we broke up, and it's just like no bad blood really just generally, I don't think we we had enough. I guess I'm not sure if it's like background or for
grand information on what a relationship. I mean, we barely had a relationship without a kid, let alone one with a kid, and it's just difficult to kind of, you know, like learn to be a parent and still be a partner when that idea of how we were gonna, like I guess you could say love each other was never even really fully established like we were. We were at that point in time where you're barely setting boundaries, you're barely starting to kind of like really understand who the
other person is. But the thing is, you know, we were we were in a time of transition too. So it's just like, I mean, I loved her before she was a mother, I loved her as she was becoming one, and then once she became one. It's not that like I stopped or that she stopped, but just rather that neither of us were able to really, I guess, put in enough time or effort to continue to grow that aspect of our lives. It was like, you know, it's just it just kind of happened.
One day.
She came home. She was like, I don't think we should be together, and I was like, I don't either, Like house serendipitous, we should probably break up. She's like, probably, all right, cool.
That makes a lot of sense to me though, that you have a kid. And then you're like, that makes all aspect because you you guys, So you guys were together for for how long.
And total eight months before she got pregnant and my kid was so it makes sense to me that almost three years.
Okay, okay, so you stayed together for a little bit after the kid.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you wrote that you were together with the kid for longer than you were together without the.
Kid, exactly.
That's what That's what I mean A.
Guess it's interesting, right because you were like you had an already premature relationship there where you didn't even like know each other all that well, and then now you have a kid and it's like, oh, we got to get to know not only get to know the kid, but get to know ourselves with the kid. And it's just like, but with all this shit going on, there's not enough room for you guys to really develop your relationship. I guess that that makes a lot of sense to me, Like just like logistically.
Yeah, yeah, it was. It was just you know, logistics, and I mean a lot of I guess, like, you know, we we never found our communication style. I guess you could say it was a big because there was. And you know, we've we've been broken up for about three months now, and the first month we kind of just
talked it out. We just hashed out, like we were both in a place where we wanted to understand why it didn't work out, and I think we we came to understand that, Like it just it just was for the most part, both of us kind of being and a big part of it too, is like you don't want to argue in front of your kid. You don't want to put that on them, but you also can't get away from them. So it's like you never have
the time to to really work on compromise. And compromise people say is like when neither party is happy or you know, a thousand percent unsatisfied. So it's like we couldn't work through that progress. So there were times where I would play Kate what she wanted and she would do the same without fully wanting to, because there could have been some middle ground that we would have found, but we never felt that we could actually work towards
it because you know, we don't want to. We don't want to put it's a sensitive kid, we out, so she would have picked up on it. And how terrible is that? You know, Like I guess at the end of the.
Day, Well, as guys, I get what you mean. It's like, Okay, in order for us to really understand each other, we have to like hash things out, and uh, we don't want to be hash in it. We don't want to be hash in and out in front of the kid.
Yeah, So it's like, you know, if it didn't work out and we we couldn't really like fit each other's molds quite so easily within the context of what life had in store for us. Then that's just how she goes, you know.
So what are you up to? What's okay? Let me ask you this, okay, So again, Yeah, I have a pretty clear picture of how you arrived at your life as it is before we go, And thank you very much for sharing all of this with us. It's been very interesting talking to you. What's next? What's next? Are you, Jude? Where where do you see life taking you?
Oh?
Right now, it's just kind of focusing on, you know, raising my daughter still kind of I guess, reinvesting in myself and pursuing the interest that you know. Unfortunately when she was younger, you you kind of have to give up and just generally moving on from here.
Man.
Like you know, I'm not I'm not saying like, oh I I need someone to like feel complete, but I am in a place where, like I feel complete enough that it's like, okay, we're you know, I'm just gonna go with the wind and just you know, be a wave and fucking ride lights out and see where it takes me in. Right now, it's like I feel good, bro, I'm I'm I got a decent job, I might go back to school. I have, my kid is happy with me, and like, you know, I recently started kind of talking
to someone. So it's like it's all the up and up. It's it's uh, just staying positive and being strong for my child and for myself and just yeah, I think I think there are clearers guys now than ever, and so it's just taking in that sunlight in the you know, can up.
I'm uh, I'm glad to hear that. It was interesting the way you describe yourself as a life of tragedy and luck, and it sounds like you're in a great season of luck, that's for sure. That's awesome. Mm, thanks for talking to me, Jude. I appreciate I appreciate this. I felt like I feel like I learned some stuff from listening to you.
I'm glad you could take something away from man, and thank you for giving me my fifteen minutes.
Is there anything else you want to say is to the people of the computer before we go?
Yeah, I guess you know what I will say to like all the single dads out there that feel like right now, you know, maybe you might have just broken up with or have gotten broken up with or whatever the fuck happened between you and your baby mama, and you come home and all your kids shit is there and your kid's not there, and you go, damn the Fuck'm gonna have to be be a piece of shit.
Don't do it, man, like just stuffing up. You know, it's it's it's hard to kind of get away from the feeling that things are never gonna be better, or that like you've lost something that you'll never get back, but that's still not true. Like life is so long and you know you've got prospects out there, and don't feel that you have to chase after something that I guess won't chase back after you or that just wasn't
in the cards for you. People always say like I wish I had a perfect family, and it's like, there there really is no perfect family. Like even if you have nuclear family, like you got problems, there's drama, there's bullshit, and just because you're not you know, maybe with the mother of your child, don't let that turn it to something that it shouldn't because you know, it's just the the the loss of I guess everything that you have as a foundation when you become a father and a
partner in that sort of way. Is is a great one that that's gonna really bring you down, but uh you can, uh you can persevere and uh you know uh in uh Herman has his said dartha. He says, I can think, I can wait, I can fast, And fucking Victor Frankle says that with any with any why, there's always a how so like you know you'll uh you'll be better, bro, don't don't let not you.
Know, Victor Victor Victor Frankel, Victor Frankl is the uh the got the Holocaust driver guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've been trying to read that book.
Dude, It's it's so good. Yeah I have I'm a few by him that I haven't been able to get around you. But he's pretty fucking amazing. All right, let's go, you.
Know I am, but dude, I you know, I I know I said we're gonna go in a second. But yeah, the way the picture, the picture you painted struck me. That's very specific thing of being a single father where your kid's ship is at your house but they're not there, and you're just like fuck, what do you even? What is like? What is this room?
Is?
It is this a home? Is this a fucking bachelor den?
Like?
What the like? It's just that sounds like just a an interesting, like mental space to be in. It sounds like you're you're writing through it. So I'm proud of you, buddy.
Oh thank you man. Yeah, and I definitely appreciate it.
And uh again, it's for you know, like I guess, there's always so solidarity to be found, and you know, being in different I guess groups and stuff, and especially like online, you always see shit about single moms and kudos to them and to everything they go through, but there's always that stigma about like men's mental health and talking shit out and you know, I guess I kind of just wanted to really quickly, uh give give voice to to that very niche group of dudes out there
that are probably just like because you know, you work, you work, and you come home and help contribute towards the kid, and maybe you don't have the time to see them. I do, thank god, but I know a lot of people probably don't. And maybe you only have them one they're two nights out of the fucking week, but you know, it's it's something and they're always gonna
they're always gonna love you for that. And even if if you don't have that constant reminder of them being there at the end of the night to like kind of show you what you're working for. I mean, you know, there's still there's still wherever they are and you're still wherever you are, and it's very important to just.
Not go.
The easy way out and slowly kind of destroy yourself and be like, well, there's nothing I can do because it was with their mom or they do this or they do that. But it's like, yeah, dude, I anytime you get to see your kids, make that opportunity. Don't don't just go oh, well shit, you know, maybe I'll just only see him for an hour. Maybe I'll only see them for two. Well all right, fuck it, see them for an hour, see them for two, take a
little fucking park, you know. Do it, because I know there's some people that are that make themselves victims where they're like, oh, you know, I I only see my kid on Monday, and it's like, well, why why work every other day? And I get tired and it's like, okay, dude,
I do it too. Everybody does too. But that's not a fucking excuse to not to not you know, like I don't know that you can't just like play your part by by contributing money and one day out of the week, like you know, but but put every effort that you can to be a good dad. Sometimes. Yeah, absolutely, And I'm sorry I keep sucking ranting and.
No, no, no, no, no, it's okay. I I have a lot of respect for the for everything you just said, I think you're doing a great fucking job. Man. I have a lot of respect for you.
Thank you, dude. I appreciate you too, and I respect what you do as well because, uh, you know it, this has helped a lot for sure.
Uh.
Personally, they just get it off by just and to uh I guess feel feel heard in the very specific uh way and topic. And uh you do that for for more than just me, you know, you do that for every person who calls. And sometimes you just give less a laughs and sometimes that's that's all you need, you know. It's like the ridiculousness of it all, like
that I'm talking about this. Yesterday, I was about how I wonder if at petting Zoos they make you sign a waiver saying you might get chlamydia, or if they test the koalas for chlamydia before letting them in the petting zoos. And you know, like you need a perfect little balance of both taking life seriously and and thinking about kohala is and chlamydia.
And and with that and with that, I think we'll end the call. Good luck, dude, man, Thank you for sharing. Man, I appreciate it.
No, absolutely, yeah, uh, thank you. Uh, get blessed. I guess this is what you say at the time, So I'll say.
They take care of Jude, get blessed, brother.
Yeah, thank you, Bye bye, Okay.
I like that guy, Man, that guy is a real sweet dude. I'm I was just blowing smoke up as ass.
Either.
I really do I respect him, irish, I respect anyone of was fucking uh And like I really have a lot of respect for anyone who has kids that aren't like actively in their life and like taking care of them. Like it's not fucking easy. Uh, it's not an easy pledge to take either, you know. I mean it's a lot of responsibility that feels like like I don't know, man, like I was twenty now he's about my He's not that much younger.
Than me.
But people with kids, I'm always just like, that's a real adult. I really don't feel I feel like if I really do feel like the only way I see myself, I'm like the only way I feel like like real adults have, like you know, I guess answer to things outside of themselves. So and I've I got to I got a lot of respect and it doesn't always have to be a kid. But I got a lot of respect for folks like Jude, you know, doing their thing. Thank you for thank you for sharing with us.
Jude. Hello, are you the get go?
I am the gecko? I am the gecko? Who are you? What's going on?
I'm Maggie and I'm crashing out?
Well you're crashing out? Okay, Well, first of all, nice to meet you digitally, Maggie. Why are you crashing out?
My cat has asthma?
Your cat has asma.
She has asthma, and I just s meant five hundred dollars to get her drugs to fix her asthma.
That's really nice of you. Did you get her like a cute like cat Inhaler?
Oh?
Yeah, she's been on me inhaler. But that does not work.
You know what's crazy?
Is.
I would think cats don't even need that much air. They're pretty tiny people, so they don't even need that much air. It's crazy they can get asthma.
Yeah, I think she just has like a will to die and for me to spend money on keeping her from dying. It's like a fun game we play.
Interesting. Why do you think your cat wants to die?
I don't know.
I think when she was like burst into the world, she got my genetic anxiety. So maybe it's like that.
Do you want to die? That's a load of questions.
No, I just have genetic anxiety, you.
Know, and you believe that your anxiety is so bad you can pass it on to your animals.
Yeah, when she was burst into this.
World, that sucks, like being a therapy animal, but like the person's mental illness rubs off on you, you know what I mean. Like if you're like a golden retriever, you're like a golden retriever and you're assigned to make this kid feel less anxious, but instead the dog is like, do this kid's stressing me out?
You know?
Yeah, Yeah, it kind of sucks, but like she she does enjoy the saltiness of a tear so I think it's like it's good for her.
Does she lick your tears when you get upset?
Yeah, she's like she's pretty baller.
Wow, you feed your dog, No, you're not your fucking dog. You feed your cat your own sadness.
Yeah, but it like makes her stronger.
That's fucking powerful. Ooh m, your cat is fucking asthma. I think you're lying. Yeah, your cat has asthma. I don't know why I.
Said that, dead ass, while dead ass, I.
Don't know why I said that. That would be a lame thing for you to lie about. Well, Maggie, Uh, you don't listen, Maggie. We can keep talking about other ship. We could end it right here if you have something else you want to talk about. I don't know if we fully covered the topic of your cat have an asthma. If we didn't, we can keep diving into that. I'm gonna let you take the floor here.
Oh god, I mean I think the the cat asthma has been covered.
Okay, okay, do you have Do you have asthma?
I don't think so.
You should? You should? That should be something that you know or don't. No, no, no, I'm gonna go that's not something that you know, or that should be something that you know, whether or not. That's what I meant to.
Say, and I'm gonna say no for the for the me asthma.
Beautiful Meg, is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?
Uh?
Fuck it?
We all get bitches, get money, don't have asthma. Thank you, Maggie, of course, Thank you, Lyle.
Never be Ken goes on the line taking your phone calls every night.
Never Pinken goes through his eye.
He's teaching you
A cloud to live your life, but he's not really an expert.