“I WENT TO PRISON AT 19”

Hello, Hey, what's up man?

What's up? While?

Yeah, it says here that your name is dubious. Yeah, what's up, Dubious?

Oh? Not much, just hanging out after a long day of work.

What's happening with you?

I'm thirty years old, and like I started being a jugular when I was sixteen, I'm not anymore. I have a family and stuff now, and it was just sometimes it's hard for me to accept the transition that has been made in my life, like the calmness of it, the I don't have to feel like somebody's gonna come around the corner and mess me up or something like that. I don't have to feel like I'm gonna be pulled over and get some to prison immediately. Ten years ago,

How long were you in the game.

For Let's see. I I used to sell drugs for my dad when I was a kid, but whenever I started doing it myself, I was sixteen years old, and I did it steadily until I was nineteen, until I went to prison.

You sold them for your dad, yes, my.

Dad used to tell booker sugar and he thought that it was easier for people to get a bag from a kid then it would be from an adult. That was it was less conspicuous, I guess for him. So he would send me in the room and lay money out and go, this is what the money that you'll get will look like. If it doesn't look like any of these, don't give them back and come back inside.

But were were you ever in any danger doing that?

Yes?

Uh?

One time I was almost kidnapped by somebody. CPS was called a bunch of times, so I was. There's a bunch of times where I sat in a in the backseat of a car while my dad's house was being raided and stuff.

Mm hmm. Do you still what's your relationship like with your dad these days?

He died last year, but I mean previously that it wasn't It wasn't very good. It was never really a good relationship. It was he was I mean other than the drugs, than selling, than having your kids sell drugs or you was.

It wasn't the best.

Dad.

What's going on with your mom? Uh?

She passed away when I was fourteen. M She did not like it, but I guess she felt like she was stuck with him. She died too young for me. I was too young for me to like ask her what was going on, what she thought and things like that.

Hmm hm. And uh, did you ever get into any like legal trouble? Did you ever have to go to prison or jail or anything?

Yes, I spent two years in state jail for I got caught with two pounds a week on the interstate going from Colorado to Texas. And uh, yeah, I gave them a fake name. I was on the run already for two years for some other things that I had done previous to that. And uh that just that was the last domino, I guess, or this all that broke the camel's back and everything's just pretty much collapsed underneath me at that point.

Now, is there? Have you like served your time already for for everything?

Are you?

Are you worried at all about any parts of your past life kind of coming back to you?

Maybe the only part that I'd be a little worried about would be the thing that I told you in the text message. But other than that, I served my time for what I went to jail for. And as far as the legalities the other things go. I think that there's been enough time that I'm okay to speak about some of these things.

Okay, mm hm.

Hmmm.

What was I gonna say? I don't know why I keep this is stupid, but I'm thinking I've just played Red Dead Redemption, which is about a guy who used to like be in a gang, but he's like turning his life around.

I just finished that game myself too. It's a good game.

So I'm like, you kind of remind me of John Marston.

Nice.

Well, anyway, what uh what was it like in prison? Man?

Did it was? I mean, like you hear stories and shit, and then m I first went in and then I talked to people. The first week was okay, and then after the first month I saw my first stabbing, and then my first month and a half, I saw a grown man's bahole they'd taken away from him unwillingly, pretty in pretty close vicinity. So that was that was one of those moments where I was like, you you ever see those movies where people go to prison and there's always that one guy that's crying and he's.

Like, I don't belong here.

M hm. Totally felt like that after I saw that happen. I was like, bro, just selling drugs, Dude, I was just selling weed. I don't belong here. I don't feel like I should be in here with you people.

But yeah, do you.

Ever find it crazy when you go into like a weed shop in Denver or California and it's like a fucking apple store and you can pay for it with a credit card, and you're like, fuck, man, I went to prison for something that's like you combie with a fucking credit card a store at this place.

Yeah, it's still wild. I live in a legal state now, so it's it's definitely crazy, and it's a wild thought to think that I went to prison for two years for that and now I can just go literally buy what I went to prison for and bring it home and just be totally fine.

Yeah, it's fucking crazy. I feel like I interrupted you. There was something else you were going to say about prison.

Let's see, Other than that, it was just, uh, you go about your business and stuff. It was racially divided. So not only was it racially divided, it was your race.

Did you was was there pressure ever to like fight with with the other races or else have your gang like beat you up.

Yes, there was one instance where I was at lunch and somebody took my fruit off my train and the guys, the guy that ticket was like, uh, this is mine and that's it right, and I was like, no, man, I'm gonna need you to put that back. Then three other gentlemen walked up behind him and he's like, yeah, I don't think that's gonna happen, and I I just shut up and I let them walk away. And then after that, another gentleman walked up and sat next to me.

You know, somebody gave you a knife to use on him.

Oh, I had to buy that knife. I bought that knife, and after the guy scoffed at me and called me a new guy, someone else walked up and they're like, hey, man, I got what you need. Follow me. Followed him up to his cell and he was like, here's this knife. You owe me this much for it. I think it goes like thirty forty bucks. And yeah, he's like, I use this and go fuck him up. But make sure that it's in front of everybody, so everybody knows that you're handling what happened today.

And now that how does that conflict with like, I assume that if you're beating people up in prisoner stabbing people, do they add that on to your sentence? Does that?

It depends.

It depends on the severity of it. If it was just a fight, you get tossed in the hole and you get maybe another two weeks or a month added to your time, but it was two for one for me, So like every two days it is worth or was it? Yeah, every two days would be one day, or everyone every one day is worth two days, is what they were told me.

Every one day is worth two days.

Yes, But I either way, I still did two years time because that's that's what I was said into, sentenced to and sentenced to in court. So that's that's what I ended up doing.

And did anyone else ever try to fuck with you after that? Or did you eventually kind of get into your own.

You know, everything Just it's moved out after that, and I spent the rest of my time there hanging out with people, learning how to draw. I did a couple of drugs in there, but then once you find out how those drugs come in there, you're like, I don't really want to do that stuff no more.

Yeah, in in people's ass holes.

Yeah, for the most part, Yeah, what kind of drugs?

I smoked weed, but there's there was a lot of drugs in there. There's a lot of drugs, but it's just like being in the streets, but just in a confined space.

How old were you when you got out?

I was twenty one.

Wow, So you got in when you were nineteen. Yes, that's fucking tough, man.

Hm, it was. It was wild.

And did the did did the dealing cease when you got out or did you go back for more?

I didn't deal as hard as I used to, but I still deal because it was something that I was used to doing. It was a like a quick buck, I guess for me, it was just an easy way to get money, so I didn't really have to worry about a job until I started having kids, and then that started to change. Even though it was just sweed, I still didn't want to I didn't want to sell anymore.

How long ago did you stop?

Let's see, it's been six years now, so I stop when I was twenty four.

When did you give your kid.

Shoot, my first kid I had when I was sixteen, my second kid I had when I was twenty three, and then I'm on my third kid now that we'll be doing November.

Wow, what was up with your kid while you were in jail?

My youngest one I do not have the best relationship with. He thinks that I left because I didn't love him, so like, I'm trying my best to fix that as much as I can, but it was it's the way he felt growing up with me not being there or me being in and out of his life. And his mom's not a huge fan of me. So there's always that too. Yeah.

I was gonna ask that too.

Not the best question ever.

I was gonna ask that too. What do you still have a relationship at all with the woman that you had the kid with at sixteen?

No, I have more relationship with my son now than I do with her. Every time we and her talk, it's always a fight. No matter how much I feel like I have grown as an adult. I try to look at the conversation in so many different ways and try to see how I could say things differently. That she's not offender or anything like that. But there's still some feelings there, and I feel like she still sees me as a fifteen year old kid that got her pregnant all those years ago.

Now, what about the two other kids?

My youngest son's mom, we're okay, We're okay. It took some time, but we're okay. We co apparent. He comes out and hings out every weekend, and he stays longer on breaks and stuff like that on school. We live five minutes away from each other, so it's not that bad. I go see him sometimes during the week. My oldest kid lives in Texas and I currently stay in Missouri. That's that's a bit more of a travel I try to use my vacation in the summertime they go see him.

Is it the same woman the second and the third kid? Are they with the same woman?

Nope? Uh? Three women all together?

Mm hmm. Okay the second kid, Uh, how's how's your relationship with that woman?

It's all right, it's all right. It took some time, but we're okay.

Okay. And are you married down or have a girlfriend. We're engaged fantastic. Congratulations man, thank you. Are you happy or you excited about life?

I am.

It's very different when I when I think back on how much things have changed from being a teenager now now calm things are, it's very nice.

Mm hmmm. What do you do for work now?

I'll work at a dog I work at a factory that makes flavering for dogging cats. Who I'm our house guy there?

M hmm. Do you ever like I? No, no, I don't know if this is a thing. But do you do you? I assume that some of the drug dealing there was like a sense of I don't know, adrenaline there. Do you do you miss that or have anything in your life that kind of fulfills that?

Yeah? I know there's there's definitely some times where I miss the fun. Sometimes I tell my fiance that it sucks being a healthy adult. Sometimes I just want to I want us to have a fight and just like say horrible mean things to each other and ship for once instead of just being like, hey, I understand that you don't feel very well right now. Whenever you have a moment, let's talk about this. I mean, I don't miss it as much, but there are sometimes that I

Do you have a different perspective or or have you developed any kind of thoughts about your relationship with your dad since having kids? And you know, I think so if you're thirty, your kid is like, you know, fifteen, and you know about the age that you were when your dad was asking you to deal drugs and stuff like, Yeah, tell me those thoughts that you have.

I would never do that. I would never ask my son to do that. I would never put any of my kids in any of the situation my dad ever put me through. It's as wild as fuck to think what was going on through my dad's mind during that. I've always thought that maybe maybe he was too traumatized by whatever happened in his childhood that he could cope or just like stopped carrying at some point, because I mean,

Mm hm m hmm. Do you talk to any do you have any Do you talk to any of your brothers and sisters?

Yeah, yeah, they're all they're all older than me. They're all like in their fifties, late fifties. Yeah, it's a it's weird having conversations with him. I get along more with my nieces and nephews than I.

Do with them.

Do you get to see them very often?

Not as much as I'd like to?

Hm hm hmm. Do you do you have any friends?

Yeah?

Yeah, Where are those friends from?

They're from I've lived here in Missouri now, so they're from Missouri. I still have some friends in Texas. I have friends that I've made and I guess in the games that are kind of spread out through the states and stuff, and a couple of Mexico m hmm.

What's your like? I was gonna say dream in life, but I guess, you know, how are you thinking about life moving forward?

Like?

What are your goals? What do you wanna? What are you thinking about all day when you're thinking about the future.

Before, I guess, before I had kids, I used to think that I picked early because of all the vast amounts of money that I used to make. I mean, I guess, like to me, it was a lot of money, but others it's probably like, yeah, that's not that bad. But to me, I was making a lot of money at that point, and I used to think that I peaked at that time. And now that I have kids, Uh, my dream now is to just be a good a

Uh.

That's it. That's it really. I mean, I feel like my dreams are over. I mean, not that they're necessarily over because I have kids, but like I've done a lot of fun things in my life that I don't feel like there's a lot more for me to do, and it's I feel like I'd rather put that energy into my kids and my family and my regular life. Now.

I guess that's great. Man. How'd you meet your wife.

On a dating app? Actually?

Which one?

It was called? Okay? Okay Cupid?

Okay Cupid? Yeah, yeah, I was on Cupid back in college.

Yeah, it was. It was supposed to be a one night stand that ended up being something really great.

That's wonderful.

Man.

What's uh, what's her deal? What's her life like?

She grew up very differently than I did. She's five years younger than I am. We kind of didn't have the best of the childhoods. So I guess we we bond in that. But I mean, we're very We're totally opposite, and it's it's weird that we even have been together this long, but we we fit perfectly mm hmm.

Opposite And what what kind of way.

Opposite? And the way in the way that we think opposite and the way that we grew up and things like that. Like my thought, boss is different to hers. Her childhood, even though we're even though it was both dramatica is very different than mine. I I at one point wasn't a gang and she was never in a gang. I sometimes joked that I'm the ghettoest thing that's ever happened to her.

Bro You're literally John Marston.

Yeah, pretty much. Hmmm.

Well, I'm I'm very happy for you, man. I'm very happy that it sounds like you've been through a fucking hell of a lot and it sounds like you sound very just not even just your life circumstances, but just as I'm talking to you in this conversation, you sound like you have a very mature outlook on life and on relationships, and things sound very steady and stable for you.

I appreciate that.

All of course, Man, you ever have the chance to talk about any of this stuff in real therapy?

Uh No, it's always been too expensive. I've always used mushrooms is a good way for me to work on my inner self. I usually just take a really big dose, and then I understand that the first few hours of the fun stuff or just strictly for fun, but then after that it's it's some time for dubious to find out how dubious works and why he works the way he works.

How about how what's a big dose for you.

Today? The biggest does I've taken is fifteen grams.

Fifteen grams Jesus Christ, Yes, sir, that's I don't think I've done any more than like three.

I'd like to venture out there.

Huh. Are you still a pot guy?

Were you?

Were you ever like a big pot smoker?

Yeah?

Always, always, always so am I'm very high right now while I'm talking to you.

It is it is really. I know we said all right, but it is so crazy that people were locked up, and I think, are I don't know anything about this kind of stuff, but are people still locked up for weed?

Uh? And in the states that have legalized it. I don't think so anymore. I think they're getting out, and I think they're working on getting those things expunged up the record.

Let's say you could go back right now and talk to your sixteen year old old self, or if there's anybody listening to this that maybe was in a similar is in a similar situation or anything, what would you say to them.

I would say to maybe change up what you're doing because it's not going to be nice and long run. Or I would just go, you're gonna end up being a great person, bro, keep keep it up. You're doing great. M At some sometimes I think about that, and sometimes I feel like sixture year old me would want to beat up thirt year old me and think, why are we such a bitch? What happened along the way? Why

You what do you think has been the most difficult thing in this process of maturation that you've gone through?

The hardest thing was letting go of bad things that happened to me. I used to always blame the world for everything else going on, and I realized now that it was a lot of it was my fault. I put myself in a lot of bad situations, and I wouldn't feel the way or be the way that I am now if I just not put myself in those situations.

This might be a tough one. And and I hope it's not out of place to ask or anything like that, But do you have you ever or do you think you would ever get to a place where you would forgive your father for any of the stuff he's put you through.

I'm trying to That's what I'm looking on right now. I'm trying to work on letting go of that. That one down is by far the biggest one I have.

Do you talk to your siblings about him at all and get their perspective on it? And if you do, is that helpful?

Yeah? I do get the perspective. As far as it being helpful, No, Because my dad was an asshole to all of us. So we're all in our feelings about it up to a certain extent, and all of us only see it a certain way. And even though they're older than me, I still see that they're very bothered by the pain that he calls to them. So even though I feel like I'm working through mind, I can't really expect him to work through theirs. They see how

W I'm so sorry you said your brother thinks he would have had a better life. Your brother would have had a better life staying with your dad instead of being sold.

Yes, And the rest of us are like, no, no, we all would have wanted to get sold rather than stay home with him.

M Well, man, it's such a it's such a cool thing that you're you're at a place right now where you have healthy relationships with people and you have the opportunity as a father to be a good dad, you know, to like be the kind of dad that your dad wasn't. And it sounds like you're really there to make the

Thanks man. It's really hard. It's really hard. It's hard to be a good yet or whenever you didn't have one. Sometimes my son will ask me why I'm such a good dad, and it's weird because I'll be like, I don't know, man, I've never had a good one. The only reason I know how to be a good one is because I talk a bunch of TV dads and ship. I feel like you.

Learned how to read dad at who's your favorite TV.

Dad by far?

Probably Uncle Phil?

Mm. Yeah, and he's not even a dad, he's an uncle.

Well I mean, yeah, yeah, but what he did for was really awesome. He was there him a lot more than his actual dad was.

And yeah, mhm, what's your name again, Dubious?

Yeah?

Have you always gone by Dubious?

Uh no, No, it's just a game with my Xbox name, So I just it's a nice name. I just I go by that whenever I can.

What do you play on Xbox?

Mainly Call of Duty? I play Wars on the lot.

Do you ever play Grand Theft Auto?

I do ye?

Do the do the Do the drug dealers in Grand Theft Auto talk anything like real drug dealers?

No? Uh? Sometimes like online Gerald, that guy he kind of talks like a real dealer, but the other one's kind of a little different. I guess maybe because Jerald the way the only kind of dealer that I kind of dealt with, like even whenever I would go into Mexico and stuff to go get things. Uh, there was one guy that I always spoke very well English there while the other ones did the one mm.

Hmmm, Dubious, Man, is there any other Like? First of all, thanks so much for coming on here and talking to me about all this stuff. I hope it was like a good experience for you. I don't know how much you like.

Okay, it was. Man, I'm a huge fan. I'm a huge fan Oh yeah. OK.

Is there any other aspect of any of this that you would want to talk about or anything else you want to say?

Hmmm? Probably that drug dealing isn't all that it's looking up to be. All that I'm left now is I don't have anything to show for it besides a bunch of half ass stories that people probably don't even believe.

What's your favorite half assed story that people don't believe.

Let's see, one time I went to go pick up and I believe there was like one hundred pounds of Mexican brickweed, and to me at that time was I was like, this is really fucking cool. This is dope for me. And the guy that I picked it up from was like, Hey, I'm just gonna put these in your trunk and I was like, whoa, bro, I got to go back to the border with this. He was like, it's totally fine. Before you called me to the call before you get to the border, call me and I'll

Holy shit. Wait this was to a border agent guy.

Yes, yeah, shit.

Yeah, he was probably be paid off or threatened to buy cartels or some shit.

Yeah. No, I don't I don't know. I don't know if any of the people that I got from work cartoons. But I knew that it was a good discount. I was paying ten dollars for one pound of weed.

Is that that sounds like a that sounds like a pretty good discount.

Indeed it is. I guess back then one pound was going for five hundred dollars in my area, so for me to drive out there and get it for ten dollars was a steal.

Do you ever talk about any of this stuff? Would you ever do? Like, uh, I don't know, I don't know.

Yeah.

How often do you get to like talk about this stuff or or or shot stories?

Not that much? Not that much. I talk about it with my friends every time that they ask and stuff. But no, not really.

For uh oh go ahead, no, you go ahead. I was just gonna say thanks again for for coming on and talking and you know, when when you you you you, I want you to enjoy getting high, being a father, and playing video games and exactly that art. Take care of dubius. Thanks for calling.

Them YouTube man, stick you out?

Hello, Hey, what's up? Man?

My god?

Is this lyld?

That's crazy?

Yeah? What's up?

Is this? Nick?

This is Yeah? This is Nick here.

Nick. You texted me and you said my name is Nick. I'm twenty five. I want to talk about sacrificing my childhood for rock and roll. What does that mean? Right?

Man?

Well, I grew up starting like pretty young, playing music and kind of did that my whole childhood instead of doing like the normal thing, having friends and doing that kind of shit.

So I guess you were playing Betterham Rock while everyone else was playing Call of Duty Zombies.

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

I mean we played a little zombies in there too before practice. But yeah, our practice schedule was pretty rigorous. We would do about like five days a week, and with our first guitarist that actually got to the point where he left the band because he felt I think

And this is throughout middle school and high school.

Yeah, we started this band, and I'll just keep the name under wraps and whatnot, but we started this band in like elementary it was probably fifth or sixth grade, and we kept that band going all the way through high school. But it was a couple of different guitarists throughout that time. But we had a couple really amazing experiences that we got to do. We got to open up for some some big name groups and you know,

Yeah.

It's fun though, man, that really is, because I think there's something at least in my personal life. I always felt like there's something about combining your work or no I'm not not even like work, but like any kind of like active creation or pursuit with your social life. So like I assume after you played at these parties, you then went and enjoyed the party, and the party was now was now better for you because you were the cool guitar guy up front.

You know, that was that was always the thing you kind of hoped for.

But I feel like.

Because I never really hung out with a lot of people, my social like my feeling of wanting to be social with people wasn't as as out there. So when the gig was done, I just kind of enjoyed packing up, you know, getting paid, and then heading home because we had to probably wake up early for school the next

Do you really feel like you missed out on your childhood? What specifically do you feel like you missed out on.

I feel like I really missed out on just making connections with people. Say when you go and see a band, or you're at a party and you're hanging out with people listening to the music. I was instead the person on stage, and so I didn't really make those connections where I thought I could have. And then as well as just how often we practice, you know, I had.

The close friend as our guitarist and then the bassist, but beyond that, it was just kind of I didn't really hang out with anybody. And I don't necessarily blame rock and roll, but I feel like I did sacrifice it for the rock and roll in a sense. It was just a path that I chose to take.

Were you close friends with the other people in the band?

Oh yeah, Oh yeah, we were very tight. I mean we still are to this day too.

So look, man, I don't know, I mean it's very there's a funny thing where there's a tradition. There's this idea of what a traditional college or high school experience looks like, right, Like it's some kind of John Hughes movie where everyone's getting laid all the time and getting high and has this big group of friends and whatnot. And I don't know if that exists. I think everyone well, I mean, it doesn't exist by nature, because there's no

Yeah, And like, now that I'm really thinking about it, I think there may have been some sort of as a child, at least, some sort of expectations that I felt like I needed to have for a childhood. You know, there's an expectation that I was hoping to meet, maybe in terms of some social goals, you know, having a circle of friends or whatnot. But then when I really look at it, I had my circle. It was just a lot smaller than maybe I intended it to be as a kid. And so it's a really solid point

It's a blessing. I mean, friendship is not about quantity. Have you ever thought about it? You ever go to I do this all the time. I'll go to if you want to feel better about your life, go on and reddit and go to r slash forever alone. You ever do that?

I don't know if I've been on that one.

No, it's I mean, it's it's macabre. But you go on there and you're like, oh shit, it's sick having three friends. Some people have no some people have no for like literally, eazy.

That's a great point. You need to be grateful for what you have, no matter what it is.

M M, what do you do now?

Right now?

I'm like a server, bartender, cook kind.

Of the works.

Are you still playing music?

Oh yeah, I do a lot of.

My own, like like on the side kind of music production where I make my own songs and put them out under a certain name.

I have to ask our are you withholding them? And you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, but are you withholding the name of the band? Because it's a prominent band, like when people know what the band is.

At least in the area.

Yeah, we were. We played around quite a bit, like I.

Don't know just all in the area that we did play. We played a lot, and so people kind of knew us as that band and I'm not trying to dock myself as well. I just especially with like when it comes to my own music I put out today, it's not really about trying to get big or trying to really make money off of it or get people to know my name. It's more so I just really enjoy the creative aspect of it, the emotional release aspect of it, just kind of getting those feelings out through a different

That's a very emotionally intelligent move, because you could just be completely hungry for money and fame and have it destroy your general life sense of well being. You could how's your general life sense of well being?

I think it's pretty good. I mean, like define that question. I get maybe I'm not understanding though.

How you doing?

Oh I'm doing good, man.

I got out of a relationship pretty recently, and that was a weight off the chest, to say the least. You know, and two people just armade for each other and you choose to stay together, it goes downhill. And so I got myself out of that situation and moved moved away from that area because I did move away from my home for a little bit.

But now I'm.

Back in that area somewhat and I'm living life having a good time doing it.

Do you still play with your friends that you played within in elementary school?

No, I really wish we did, but we've just kind of gone our separate ways since then, I think about I don't want to say, probably like three years ago we stopped playing just because distance issues and whatnot.

Are they still playing music?

As far as I know one of them is. He also puts out music kind of on his own, just as for the same reason that I do. And then the other one, I don't think he plays music as much anymore. Job is pretty demanding for what he does, so he just doesn't have the time.

Do you have well, Okay, so in high school and college you said you didn't have that many friends aside from your bandmates, But do you feel like you have friends now.

Sort of. Yeah, there's a it's funny this, you know, A couple of those people from back then. It's those are the same people that I still consider friends, and I think to this day, I still have a little bit of a hard time just getting out there and making friends, meeting new people or just I don't know, I do find comfort in being by myself at this point in life. And I mean I'm not even that old, of course, but I don't know, I definitely just store

Hmm. Yeah, it's difficult. It's difficult. That's one of the cool things. I mean, that's one of the cool things I feel like about having a hobby like music, where you know, like we were talking about, your work can also be a social thing. I don't know if you.

Gig anymore, but oh I wish.

Yeah, you ever thought about doing that.

I have.

Yeah, I've considered it, thinking like I just need to get a certain amount of songs and I could just go do some opening shows for some people or something like that, and that would be really fun, or even just an open mic or something. Shit, I don't even need a full set.

What do you make music about? These days?

I try to write music about whatever I'm kind of feeling in the moment.

You know.

I've got some music that is, you know, really happy summer vibes, kind of like put you in the mood to have a good time, be on the beach and shit. And then I got some stuff that just gives you the stank face, like some underground wrap and just kind of like some bars, you know. So it's really big variety of types of music that I write about.

What do you rap about?

Oh man?

My first song that I ever put out was a rap song, and I refused to put it out on like real platforms anymore, but just because it was a it was a mean song. It was a rap Like I I got in a in a relationship at a young age and thought that this would be a good expression of that. And like Taylor Swiss Vibes, No No Hate.

Oh you did you did a disrap against the.

X I did?

It was?

It was really mean and immature of me, and so at that point I was writing about like it was like a journal that I was putting out into the world with a beat. But then after that I just started writing about like this, I don't know, just happy ship, seeing this looking at the sun.

That's that's nice if you it's fine, it's nice of you to look back on it and go like you know, it's as if you'll look back on it and go like, ah, that was kind of you know, maybe I shouldn't have written such a yeah, because when you think about Taylor Swift and Olivia Rodrigo, they don't do that at all. They're like, fuck this guy, and I want literally one billion people to know it.

Yeah.

I don't know. I just can't feel that.

I don't I don't like putting people in the spotlight because I know I don't.

Like being in the spotlight as much.

Sure, as weird as that is coming from from being in this on the stage and whatnot.

Hmm, what's next for you? What's your name again? Nick?

My name is Nick.

Yeah, I don't know what's next, man.

I've just been enjoying life, being being independent, trying to gain that independence back and find myself again, you know, just trying to only be better than the person that I was yesterday. If I can do that, I'm having a pretty good day.

I like that, can I Before we go? Do you have any bars that you could spit for us?

No, it's one of those. I'm very shitty at freestyle too, and that's one of those one of those things I really want to get better at, because in a time like this, how cool would that be if I dismissed some ship and you're like, okay.

I you know I kind of I kind of knew before I asked you that it would it would be a no from you. But I did have to drunk.

Yeah, you kind of you got that feeling. But yeah, one of these days, you're gonna You're gonna know the name someday and then I'll hit you up and say, hey, you remember that time that you had the call with the dude named Nick? And then you're gonna say, yeah, of course I remember that exact Nick.

I would love to get a voice message from I would love to get a voice memo from you in the DMS being like, hey man, I've come to redeem myself and then you just send me like a minute of fantastic freestyle rap.

Do that get to that point, send it to you. You can put it on whatever the heck you want, or just be for you and me. Either way that'd make me happy.

Nick, Is there anything else you want to say to the people the computer before we go?

Oh? Man, fuck the computer. But I love the people. Man, take care, dude, take care. I love you.

Get nick Nick? Nick? I liked what he ended with, fuck the computer. I don't like the computer. I don't like being on the computer. I know I'm on the computer right now, but I was thinking about that, Like, you know, it must have been so fun being like like a music rock and roll touring person back in the eighties or something like that, where you didn't there

It's going pretty okay. How's you're doing?

I'm hanging in there. What's your name?

My name's Nick.

Nick. What's happening? Nick?

What?

Uh?

Let's see your caller ID. I don't usually read caller ID, but I mean it says. It says that you're a landscaping company. You called me from the Big Dog Concrete and Landscaping Company phone line.

Yeah, that's I got a new number recently and the call ID hasn't changed, so everyone sees I'm actually a Big Dog Nick.

Now, wait, so you are not. You don't own a landscaping company.

No, No, I don't. That's just the name that came with my caller ID. I don't know why it hasn't changed over. I got the number through MIT Mobile like months ago. It just still shows it for some reason.

Well, that's cool. You got a new phone number and a landscaping company. That's a good Well what's up? Nick? Is there anything in particular you wanted to talk about today?

Not too much. I'm taking a new medicine today, so I'm like, I feel I'm strange, Shay, getting new perspective, starting school back again.

What are you doing in school?

I did never finish high school. I ended up dropping out when I was seventeen. I think because I grew up in a bad household. And it's been years and I'm finally getting back to it.

You doing like a ged.

No, I'm doing a high school credit recovery because I learned only had three credits left when I left. It was during COVID, so I didn't know if they pushed me through the classes, which turned out they did, or I was going to graduate early. But I know any of that. All I did we were online. So you're doing it through the computer, and I just stopped showing up during them when I moved and then uh, one of my family members went and dropped off the computer.

So you're kind of pulling a Billy Madison.

Yeah, yeah, a little bit.

Are you are you? Do you go to a high school and you're like with a bunch of high school kids or is it like you're with a bunch of other adults who are doing the same program.

No, it's adult ed and it's online, So I'm at home with a computer that they issue out.

Basically, do you get to play games on the computer or is it just school?

Just school?

But I have a computer for that anyway.

How old are you now?

I'm twenty one?

Okay? Nice? What do you do sort of around that? Do you have any anything else going on?

I make art and stuff, but like I said, take a new medicine. Say so, I haven't been motivated to do anything, so I've been trying to get back into that because I do digital art. I do a little bit of mixed media, and I have a violin. I've played it for years, but I just haven't felt like picking it up and actually playing music again.

Mm hmmmm. Have you made any friends in these high school classes?

Not yet?

Not yet.

What do you hope to do after you're done with these classes?

Well, I'm hoping to go to art school or go to school for something that can be useful. I haven't thought about college too much. I know I have a couple of friends that went to art school, and a lot of people have mixed views on it if it's something that you can use afterwards, but it's just something I enjoy doing.

Well. I don't know how much you've listened to me talk gone here, but I I are you. Would you take out debt to go there?

Well?

With the student aid we have, I only grew up with one parent, and uh, they'd cover a lot of it, but I'd feel bad. I'd say if I use my one chance to go with relatively less debt on something like art college. So it's been way a little bit.

How much debt is relatively less debt? This is not a financial podcast, but I do enjoy having these conversations. How much debt is not a lot of debt?

I'd say five thousand under I know I could get that and about like a small short of short range. But if it's way way up there then it'd be too much. I know, like probably less than ten thousand. Actually it doesn't.

Right, it would car maybe all right, so it would be about ten thousand dollars, like for all four years ten thousand dollars, yeah, or for.

Like two years bachelors or associates, whichever I.

End up doing.

Okay, I mean that's not terrible. What's your ultimate goal with with art?

Well, I thought about doing graphic design some and then I've thought about doing animation, and I've also thought about doing like character design.

Okay, I mean, I'm I'm severe. I'm very anti college when it comes to things where you don't need to go to school for them. If you if they're paying off like one hundred percent of your college and you could get a scholarship, then I think that would be sick. But with ten thousand dollars, I mean, you can get and you can get the full Adobe suites, you can go to I think it's I want to say it's Lydia dot com or something like that where you can

Yeah, that's that's what stopt me from getting back to school and stuff. So I'm like, I feel the same way kind of. I'm like, I it's something I'd like to do, but at the same time, I'm like, I could probably get a degree where like something, I see what it's called. It's it was sometimes technician I was thinking about in like medical. I'm like, I can try that. But that's what I've been doing lately with I'm mostly

Right, so, I don't know, it's your life. I don't want to tell you what to do, but I think I think today it's probably the best idea to learn that stuff on the internet. And then I mean, well a medical technician. That's different because if you want to ever do that, you have to go to school, which is good.

You know.

I'm a big I've always said this. I think you can learn anything on YouTube. I would definitely hire an artist who learned how to make really good art on YouTube. I don't know yet if I would hire the YouTube doctor. I'm sure you could.

You could.

Probably you probably could learn how to do heart surgery on YouTube. I don't know right now. One day information will be so free and accessible that you will be able to learn how to do heart surgery on YouTube. But for now, I prefer if I were doing, if I were going under for heart surgery, that my heart surgeon have gone to an accredited university. So, you know,

Yeah, thank you. It's taken a lot to get to the point where I am thankful for the opportunities I'm coming across.

Is there anything else you wanted to say or talk about before we go?

H I appreciate you missing your podcast. I've watched it for like a couple like two years now, I think, and it's got me through some tough times last year.

Hell yeah, thank you, Nick. I'm glad. I'm always wondering if anyone's listening to this fucking thing. So I appreciate it, and I'll talk to you again, maybe never, but it was good talking to you in this one particular moment.

Yeah, it's good talking to you too. Have a great gust to your day.

Gek YouTube, Nick, Thank you, all right, goodbye, Hello folks, it's Lyle here. That's the end of this episode. But get this, I'm releasing a bonus episode this week. That's right, a bonus episode, an entire extra hour of the podcast that you can listen to. By becoming a premium member of Therapy Gecko over at Therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com.

I've been having an issue lately. I started a new job this year, and the problem I'm having is I'm meeting a lot of new people and I kind of know that I'm not going to like really hang out with these people beyond the work life, and so I don't really know how to talk to them. I'm having a hard time like socializing properly. I think I think people think maybe I'm like weird or too focused on work because I don't really know what else to start up conversations about do.

You feel like your curiosity and other people has like uh waned as you've gotten older.

It has waned pretty far.

Yeah.

If you want to hear this full conversation, you can sign up to become a premium member at Therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com, or find the link in the episode description. That's Therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. All right, I have nothing else to say. There goes on the line, taking your phone calls every night, therapy can goes to a ride. He's teaching you aloud every life, but he's not really an expert.