Hello, what's up man? How you doing?
I'm great? How are you? This is crazy.
We've never spoken before?
Have we?
Have we ever talked?
No, we have not.
What's your name?
My name is Pete, Pete.
How am I I'm doing? I'm actually doing really well right now.
Yeah.
I've noticed that like life is, at least for me, very cyclical.
Uh huh.
You know, I'll have periods of time in which I'll be like really just going insane, but uh, I don't know. Over the past week, I've been feeling very stable. I've made a few changes that have been helpful. I've been embracing the life that I'm already living instead of fantasizing about some other version of myself that exists. I've been not binge, eating fucking Ben and Jerry's every day. I've been uh, you know, I've been not going on. Uh, I've been watching less porn.
Uh.
Yeah, I've been Yeah. Yeah, things are good right now. I've experienced this before, though, and I've made the mistake of being like, well, great, Everything's gonna be amazing forever. But also, you know, I've been downtrodden before, and I've made I've thought I was going to I just thought
I was gonna die, so I am trying. I think, I think, uh, you know the caller I've done whatever podcast to Go who said that life is kind of like a spiral, and you start in the middle and you spiral outwards like that was one of the most genius things I've ever heard, because it makes sense because
I'm repeating. I see myself lifetime repeating cycles. I'm almost twenty eight, and I can look back at my life and I could see a lot of cycles and like read journals from when I was younger, and they repeat. But with every repetition of the cycle, I get a little bit of progress outward, even though I'm still in the cycle. You know what I mean. It's hard to learn a lesson once and for all. In anything that
I do. There's so many lessons I have to learn over and fucking over again, Like weed is one of them. Like last night, what's you Pete. I've done this, Pete. I've done this a hundred times, more than one hundred times, Pete, and I never learned. I go, oh, oh, you know, I have this thing to edit. This is like a low effort task. I know. Let me get stoned before I do it, then it'll be easy.
Literally the story of my life the past two weeks through.
And then and then I get stoned, and then I'm like, oh, I can't do anything. And then the next day I go, this task seems easy. I bet if I got stoned, it would be different this time, Pete, It's never different. It's the same every time. No, it's never different.
I don't know.
I don't know why I don't. I don't know why
I don't learn my lessons. I don't. I learn them a little bit, I think, but I just feel like I just feel like I learned my lessons yet through through the spiral technique, I'm definitely smarter, like like if we're if we're zooming out, if we're going twenty one to twenty eight, I'm definitely smarter, more mature, I have a better head on my shoulders, learned a lot of lessons, But I still I don't I'm not like I thought I would have mastered every problem and done everything like
I thought I would be completely amazing by now with like learning those lessons. But I don't know. I don't know if that's I don't know. Do you feel that way? Do you do you learn your lessons?
You know, I tried to. I tried to you, but I think I'm in the same boat as you because I just I always feel like I can, like I feel like it's gonna be like way better. You know, if I'm gonna, I'm gonna smoke before I do this, and then I just doesn't and then I keep on doing it.
I don't know, Pete, Pete, is there a Is there something specific you called in to want to talk about today?
You know it is not really mm hmm. I just I never thought that you would pick up. Uh, It's like I just thought you were streaming and I thought i'd call.
What's your life like, Pete? What do you do every day?
What do I do? I'm I'm work as a janitor at a high school.
Oh interesting, yeah, and that's yeah, how long you've been doing that?
I've been doing that for like a year and a half.
Now are you do you clean it during the day when the kids are there, or like at night?
So it's like right after school, okay, the kids are gone, yeah, all.
Right, but there are probably there's some kids running around doing after school activities like playing school and just random stuff.
Yeh.
Do they ever interact with you?
Yeah? Sometimes, because you know, I I just got out of high school last year, and so I know somewhat some people there.
Interesting kinds people talk to me. So you're yes, you probably, yeah, you probably know people who go to the school.
Still I do.
I do, Okay, it's interesting. And are you like friends with any of these people.
You know? Not really? I just some of them random people like friends and my ex girlfriend or like friends with my little brother or something. Mm hmm. Yeah, I don't know, not really. I don't think I really have that many people I know that are still in high school, like as close friends.
What do you do while you're cleaning the school? Do you listen to anything? Do you put on music?
I listen to your podcast every day. Hell yeah, and I listened to music and I also I've also been listening to Channel five pretty good.
So you've been in this for a year. Yes, What else is going on in your life?
I have an internship right now. It's for what I want to do. Basically, it's my main career, like setting a live sound. It's live audio stuff. Oh, I love live sounds, live music. I went to there's a separate school in my dates school district that likes for like hands on learning. I did a bunch of audioce stuff, did a bunch of battles of bands, shit, and I came out of it with an internship, which I love so much better than the shanitor job, and I get paid better. But it's just I work randomly.
So this is like doing audio for live events and shit. Yeah yeah, yeah, oh that's cool. That's a good gig.
I love it so much.
Yeah, that's a great gig. Do you go to a lot of concerts.
I go to a shit telling concert.
That's sick. That's really cool. Oh oh yeah, I love that for you, that's great. You can travel with that, you know. Also, like you know what's cool is like I'm always thinking about and I'm not a authority on this subject, but I'm I'm like, I think a lot about like what the job market is going to be moving forward, especially with like AI and just like the rapid exponential evolution of our society. And it's funny because like live events seem to be still going fucking strong.
You would think that like Zuckerberg won by now successfully getting us to all stay inside of our houses and like use his ship infinitely. But people are going out to live, people are still going out to concerts. People are still like like like goth subculture like shit that like was popular in the seventies and eighties is still going. Like we're still going. It's cool, you know. I think. I think, I think ideally, like in an ideal universe, that stuff even like even in the face of whatever
AI and the expansion of our universe, I could it it. Uh, it's it grows in a backlash to like, you know, society's desire for us to just stay in our houses and do fucking nothing.
Yep.
So that's cool.
I like that.
That's a good industry. Do you play music?
I do somewhat. I play the guitar and I to the bass guitar kind of and me and my friends play sometimes do covers, random covers and post them on Instagram.
But like, oh and that's crazy, you know, No, that's great. You guys ever gig.
Yeah, we we tried to plan this house show once but it fell through, and I really want to do it because that would just be so fun. I love that kind of stuff.
So yeah, well why did it fall through?
I have I don't even know, so we there's these these girls that we were going to do it with, and I like made a group chat for it. I was like, we should do a show at someone's house for sure. And then I kept on texting about it, and then people would respond, and then I would ask questions and no one would and then everybody just stopped responding.
Yeah, now you live with your parents.
Yeah, I live with my parents.
Where were you going to do the house show?
My friend's house? So one of my friends that plays with us, he was going to give us the house.
For it, and he just stopped responding.
Everybody else except for him.
Wait, why do you need Who are these girls? Why do you need them?
Because it's just like we were. If I don't know, honestly, holy shit, you might be onto something.
I mean, you need the guy who has the house. That's the only guy you like really.
Need, that's true.
Why don't know, why why did you need these girls to respond?
Like?
What do they do?
They're just they sing and they're really good, and they would just I don't know, maybe I don't need them, but I mean, yeah, technically yes, but I don't know. I guess we wanted more people than just us to play be playing music.
Okay, you can probably find more people that aren't you guys to play music.
That's true. I do have a lot of friends that play instruments.
So yeah, put on the house show. That sounds awesome.
You know I should. This feels crazy, Brom, I'm sorry. I'm just like nerding out right now. This is kind of crazy.
I'm nerding out.
I never thought I never I never thought I'd be talking about audio to the get go himself.
I love the like d a y house show ship. I think that's so cool. You should do it.
I will definitely try.
Let me know how it goes. Yeah, don't don't delay it because the other people in the group chat aren't responding. That's one that's one of the tough That's one of the tough things about life in general, from like a macro perspective, is that, uh, and I've done this in my life. You try to set yourself up so that you need other people as little as humanly possible mm hmm, and then somewhere down the line you realize that at some point you do need other people, and it's like
a ying yang. Yeah you need this guy who has the house, but you don't need these two girls so you can find other people to sing. Hell, yeah, what kind of music do you? S?
All?
Right?
Do you play?
What kind of music do I play?
Yeah?
We we just we just do random like covers, like just bands we like.
I don't know, give me like what covers?
Let me think we did like a few Ritters cover cool and a big Thief and like Mazzie Star cool. A bunch of random a bunch of random bands.
Yeah, what city is this? What city are you in?
I am in Salt Lake City, Utah.
Ooh, there must be so much teen angst at DIY shows in Salt Lake City, Utah. Yeah, that's gotta be one of the Yeah, that must be. That must be like the capital of teen angst, right because yeah, because everyone there is Mormon and so uh and nothing produces teen angst more than overtly religious parents.
Oh, tell me about it, Tell me about it.
I've done a couple of shows in Salt Lake City, and every time I just it's always stories from people about their insane Mormon parents. I've probably mentioned this before, but like the last time I was in Salt Lake City, this guy told me a story about how his dad, when he was a kid made him like kill a hundred rabbits, yes, what and prepare them for like their doomsday bunker, because apparently the Mormons are like preparing.
For Oh dude, I'm looking at I'm looking at my bed frame right now. Under it is all of our food storage boxes.
So what are you Mormon?
Oh?
My parents are fucking yeah? Okay, everyone, fucking everyone? Do you are your parents? Are you are your parents crazy?
M M So it's just my mom and my stepdad. There are are more, but it's they're not really. I mean, honestly, my stepdad just got like three massive like generators that can power our house for like two days NonStop for a birthday present from his mom. So maybe they are secretly crazy, but they're not like crazy crazy like I've heard worse stories like crazy.
Yeah. I don't mean to be derogatory, by the way, I don't think I'm not I don't like, I don't think that being Mormon automatically makes you crazy.
Yeah I could not care less.
So yeah, I don't think any. I mean, you know, my family's Jewish. They're fucking crazy, but they're not like they're not like they would they wouldn't make me murder a hundred rabbits kind of crazy, like like they're crazy. The crazy this is that everyone's family is like a little fucking crazy.
You know.
So you so your parents are cool, your famili's like they're not like you don't have like a you don't have like a traumatic religious upbringing or anything. No, really, Okay, you know that's good. Yeah, it's good. It's good. But what I am saying, I'm not saying that being Mormon
automatically means that you have a traumatic religious upbringing. What I am saying is that you are unquestionably surrounded by a lot of young people who did have traumatic relationship ringings that would love to come to your EMO DIY show, and so you should do it.
Yeah, my my my old plug for what Weed is going on his mission in a couple of weeks, So there's a lot of crazy people.
Do you think he's going to sell weed on the mission?
You know, I'd be pretty dope. I'm not gonna lie. I would love to hear about that if he does.
Where's he going on the mission?
I'm trying to remember it's somewhere out of the US, though, I think it's like Spain or something. I think it's a Spain.
Oh yeah, although, like okay, like when you go on mission, right, you go to like a poorer place, and you offer food and water and all these things, and also, hey here if you want to also while you're eating the food, learn about our Lord and savior Jesus Christ. Kind of a thing, right, I mean yeah, yeah, So I don't I feel like marijuana would be a good addition to a mission in terms of like what you're providing to people.
Honestly, Yeah, it could help you out. Mm hmm. You could start like a crazy like besh with like someone you're about to like baptize or something. Yeah.
Yeah, a good way to open someone's mind to the to the to God. Do you believe? Are you really? Do you believe in God? Did you take after your So?
No, that's I have this debate a lot with like my I mean, I guess it's be some out with my friends. I don't really believe. I'd love for there to be like a God, but I don't feel like there is. I don't know.
Your boy who's gone on mission, is he believe in God?
He probably does, I would assume, So.
Are your do your parents care whether or not you believe in God?
Yeah, my mom for sure, but not my dad.
M Okay, so your parents are like chill Mormons.
Yeah, so well yeah, so my my parents are divorced. So my parents are divorced with my my dad is way more show mm hmm, like about like religious stuff like that. I guess like he's a more open minded person for sure.
Does he still practice in some sense?
No, so my dad's not religious. That's yeah, they're not. He's not religious anymore.
So are they remarried or have like boyfriend's girlfriends?
Yeah, he he has. Ah, my dad has a girlfriend. Yeah.
And is she is she a Mormon?
No? She is not. M hmm okay she used to be majority other people used to be.
Yeah. If he got married to a late it's not a Mormon. And he was already not really that Mormon. It sounds like it's over for him.
Yeah. I've been meaning to have like a conversation about that with him, but I definitely should.
And what about your mom? Is she seeing anyone?
Oh? Yeah, my mom's remarried Mormon guy.
Yep, very Mormon guy.
Pretty morn Yeah good? Oh yeah good?
Your your family, you we have kind of analogous family situations actually in a way. Yeah, yeah, like my uh my mom much more into Judaism than my dad. But you know it's still my dad's still Jewish. And shit, you know they got divorced. Dad married a non Jewish woman. Mom married a guy who's much more into Judaism. And I look at that, and I'm like, that's good, right, you know, that's important stuff religion when it comes to marriage. Does your mom? Does your mom seem happy?
Oh? Yeah, super?
Your dad seems happy?
Yeah, my dad's pretty happy. I would yeah, i'd say.
So you have siblings.
I do have siblings.
How they doing?
They're pretty good? I have so I have three like brothers blood like blood siblings, which are just three brothers? No, I have like, let's see, like five or six step siblings.
Oh holy shit?
Yeah?
And where do you do you live with your mom or your dad?
I live with my mom.
And are you like, when did you graduate high school? Well? Hold on, it's it's October.
This year, this year, actually in July in May.
Oh, shukay, Is you just graduated?
Yeah?
Okay? And are you like, are you like I need to get out of Salt Lake City and leave my mom's house right fucking now? Or are you like chilling?
You know, I really want to That's so I've been saving up a bunch of money for like when I move out. Nice, And so I'm going to Utah Valley University next semester spring semester. Nice, And I've been saving up money so I could like find a place out there and be able to pay for rent for a couple of months and then find a job out there in like oorum. And then my car broke and I had to use all of my money for savings. I'll fix that car.
Fuck, I'm sorry, man. How much was that?
Yeah, fourteen hundred bucks. They're like no, it was like two grand or something. I don't remember. It was like, correct, that's all of my money's gone, which was like about to pay for like two months. And then so those plans are changed. Now I'm gonna have to live here for another like six months extra or something.
And you're going to Utah Valley for way? Is uta in? Is Is that in? This might be a dumb question. Is that in Salt Lake City?
No, that's in. It's like an it's like forty five minutes away. Forty five minutes and.
You're gonna go for audio and yeah that's the okay, So it's just like a this is like a non traditional university, right Like, so you go, you get your own off campus apartment and then you go in and you do your audio classes.
Yeah yeah basically, and that that town where it's in is like mainly just like a bunch of apartments everywhere.
Are you good? Are you going to borrow money to go there?
My so to like pay for school? Yeah, so you're talking about so my dad's helping me pay for school because I'm not doing anything crazy. I'm not doing anything crazy because I've already got my internship so it's nothing like I really and if I move my way up in the internship, I get paid and they do training there. So it's like it's I don't need as much as like a degree in audio because I'll get paid to get trained. And it's a great company.
So you got good parents, man, you got a good life.
Yeah, I should appreciate it more, that's for sure.
Yeah. Yeah, you got a good life. That's cool. That seems like both parents seem like nice people.
They're great people.
Yeah, and you got out, You got out pretty good because I'm sure you probably I do you you do you know a lot of people with I'm literally I'm just basing this off of like what I've heard of doing this podcast and like also and just like be going to uh Utah a few times and like talking to people and shit, like, do you know a lot of people with like fucking crazy parents?
Let me think I like very like like very.
Like fundamentalist kind of people.
I mean, not like crazy, honestly, No, I honestly can't really think of like because honestly, I've like mainly surrounded myself with people that like, I mean maybe one of my friends but like she moved out because crazy dads. Yeah right, Yeah, I can't really think of like specific people. No, honestly, it might not be as crazy as people are saying, or maybe I just have I'm around different people.
No, that's the reality of life, is it's not as crazy as people.
Yeah.
Sometimes sometimes it is, sometimes it's not.
Yeah, there's a rare cases. There's some cases that definitely I bet there's some crazy parents.
Hmmm. Okay, Pete, cool, Okay, it was good. I'm glad I got to hear about your life today. So I don't know why I enjoyed hearing about your life.
You.
I'm like something about something about the Maybe I'm being Maybe it's just because I'm in a good mood right now, I'm on stimulants. Well, that makes you feel It makes me feel good that you have a good life. I'm like, all right, great, someone, there's a guy who just graduated high school in Utah. He's gonna have a good life doing audio engineering stuff that's not gonna get taken away by AI. Probably his parents are nice. His dad's gonna help me out with school. He's not gonna have to
go into debt. That's pretty good.
Yeah. Wow, you're making me like look back and be like, wow, I do have a great life.
Oh yeah, he's gonna put on this di y show with his friends. That's gonna be sick. That's good. Look. Whether it's up to you, whether or not you want, you want to enjoy your life, but I'm kind of enjoying it vicariously through you right now.
Just feels awesome. This is awesome, This is good.
Yeah mm hmm. Yeah, you're a janitor, that's but that's hard. But it's not forever.
Yeah, yeah, mm hmm.
Okay, well, uh, this this was this was productive.
I feel I feel like it was too.
Do you have anything else you want to say or or anything at all before we go?
Not really, just like I love this is like I listened to like I think I've listened to like eighty percent of your episode. Fuck.
Yeah, thank you very much for doing that. Yeah, I'm trying to do that. Yeah, I'm trying to do that more with my own life. I'm like, oh shit, I host this podcast is pretty cool. So you know, if I'm not gonna go, but dm me, if you did the show, I want to see if you did it. It would make me. Yeah, it would be stoked if you like, yeah, if you do the show, like DM me a picture and be like, I fucking did the show. I don't know,
I can't. I'm not going to promise i'll respond to it, but but if I do, I'd be like, all right, that's sick. I'll be happy to know.
That you did it. Okay, yeah, for sure, will.
Beautiful, awesome, good luck, Pete. I'll see you around the universe.
Thank you. Have a good day you too. Yeah.
I like that guy, Pete. He's got a good he's got a good life.
Mm hmm. Yeah.
Sometimes on the show we talked to depressed people. Sometimes we talk to people. I don't think Pete seemed depressed necessarily. He seems he's gonna get was doing well, that's good. Yeah, sometimes so I think I think it's good. I think it's good to be able to you like that's why you get to like look at a bunch of different lives and go like, yeah, you know that life seems that.
One of the notes I get on the show a lot is people are like, I love listening to this because it makes me because people are because it makes me feel better about my own life. They're like, oh man, people are people's problems horrid. There's something good in that. I think it gives you some perspective on your own life. But then I don't know it's good to be like, oh hey, someone else is a good life. That's good.
That makes me feel good. It's you know, there's lots of crazy shit going on in the world anyway, all right, anyway, whatever, who cares cares about anything? What's up?
Man?
What's your name?
Uh?
Just to sign me a name?
I don't all right, I'm gonna call you. I'll call you, Devon.
This is weird as fuck, dude, I've been listening to you. I'm nervous.
Fuck don'pe be nervous. We're Uh, this is a I think this is a safe space. I hope it is yees for Devon? Yeah, where are you right now? What are you doing?
I'm chilling in my apartment. I live in Montreal. It's kind of weird. I don't know French, so like trying to figure my shit out kind of like, Okay, I feel like I should learn French, but I'm loki bad at fuck at school. So like.
Do they speak a lot of French in Montreal?
Yeah? Yeah, yeah, like Canada isn't French, but like Montreal French.
But like but like like everyone there also yeah everyone there also English?
Right yeah, but like well nine, but I low key like I don't know, like this is the wrong I low key like feel like a colonizer, like I low you feel bad.
I mean they're like, yeah, go ahead.
Like French people like get pissed like low key when you're like you're like I don't really no French, they just kind of look at you like fuck you.
You know, where'd you grow up?
Uh? New Brunswick.
In in New Jersey.
No no, no, no, no, New Brunswick, Canada.
Okay, I'm an idiot. How far was that from Montreal?
Like like seven hours like that?
Okay, wait, who colonized too with the French because Frances.
Like no, no, no, no, like power and all that stuff, like well, there was like a war that happened. I don't really know many too too many details because they really teach me that in school because like but like I don't know. It's just like a super big stigma. It's like if you don't know French, they're like kind of pissed. Well they're like they're like you know, like they have like like we're not in like France, but
they still get like the French rudeness type shit. So like, m you'll meet someone and then like I met some like old dude and he was talking to me and I was like I was like I don't really know French and he was like he's like, oh, like what the fuck? And you like he's like he was like sixty, but he's like rolling his eyes at me and shit, and he like walked off.
It was weird, like.
I feel and like it's low key respectful, like I should probably learn French. I'm gonna because they like want to keep their language and shit.
But hmm, yeah, I've never been to Montreal. I want to go sometime though.
It's pretty close. You're in New York, right, yeah, yeah, I think it's like seven or eight hours, like by car.
Why'd you move there?
I moved here with my ex and because they liked to go to Montreal, so we went to Montreal like a few weeks after we met, and then they were like, let's move to Montreal. And then we moved to Montreal and then we broke up. So now I'm like, what the fuck?
When did you guys break up?
Officially it was like three months ago, but like we stopped talking like.
Three weeks ago, and you moved specifically to Montreal to be with this lady and now she's gone now.
There and we were in New Brunswick together and they liked Montreal, and then our homies moved to Montreal as well, like a year before us, and she was like, let's move to Montreal. And I was like, I mean, they ain't shooting New Runswick, so I was like, all right. So now I'm like I just turned twenty. So I'm just like here and I'm like, what the like I had her and just like that was like my structure, you feel me, even though it was like now I'm just working my Like I have a job that's like
a little over a minimum wage. I'm just like working that and I'm like, what the fuck do I do now? Dog Like.
Okay, yeah, I got a Yeah we can. Yeah, let's talk this out.
Well.
I don't know anything about New Brunswick, but I I personally believe that, especially if you're young and you're trying to like, you know, get a fucking life going, you should live in like a city city. And I assume I don't know anything about New Brunswick, but like Montreal is a more of a city.
City than fifteen thousand. Montreal's like I think like two mil something like that population.
Yeah, and everyone wants different things out of their life. I'm just kind of like a city guy. But I think it's good that you are, like in a big city. Yeah, yeah, do you like do you like big cities?
I mean, like I like like being in the country. Like it's just like like I.
Like to be alone.
So I'm low key sick by the way, Like if I'm sniffling and shit, I'll try not to cougher anything. But I mean, I like the city, but I also like the country. But the country kind of makes me go crazy because I lived in the country in my whole life. Yeah, Like I lived in like a towne of like five thousand. Then I moved to the town of like fifty thousand, met her there, and then we moved to Montreal. So like, I feel I like a city more.
Do you have friends in Montreal?
I got some homies that like, so I knew like multiple people that she went to high school with because I'm younger than her. And then they moved to Montreal and then like we all just like became homies. So I got like two or three homies.
Okay, cool, And you're just working your un a white job is your middle way job? Is Like does it have any kind of upward mobility in it?
I mean, like a little bit like you can get some better pay, Like you can get some better position. Like it's it's a little bit over minimum wage, Like I'm making like eighteen an hour by okay, minimum wage in Canada is like way higher. It's like fifteen here.
These are in Canadian dollars. Yeah, yeah, okay, Yeah that's rough. Yeah, okay, So do you have like a all right, so you have some homies, but you're sitting around You're like, what the fuck do I do?
Yeah?
Yeah, like you what do you mean by that?
Well, it's like I didn't really need like I can just like go around do whatever, like hang out with some people. Like she has hell friends, so like if I don't get something to do somenight, like they'll be some function, I'll just like go to that with her. And then like I.
Had, like wait, so you still talk like.
No, no, no, I had like a bunch of like vague friends with her, and I would go out and do shit with them. Yeah, and then now that that's over, it's weird for me to still talk to them. So like we're no contact. I'm no contact with all of those people.
Yeah.
So now I have like in my homies here are like they got me the job, so they're like my boss too.
Yeah, Okay, I get you.
I don't want to be with them all the time, you know.
Yeah, I get you. All right. Yeah, there's a lot, there's a lot to talk about. Can I is it? Can I ask you. What can I bring up the thing that you texted me?
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, okay you told me that you said you texted me you said, well, you said a few things. One thing is you said, I can't stop buying porn of my eggs.
Yeah, man, it's fucked.
So does she have an only fans?
Yeah?
Yeah, okay.
Did she have it like when you were together?
Yeah? She had it for like I mean she's been doing it for like seven years now, like or maybe not that, like since it's been a thing, Like it's been a long time. She's like twenty four. She's been doing it since she was like eighteen, so she was like pretty popular. That's how we moved to Montreal. And yeah, she was doing it long before she met me.
But and then you guys broke up, and now she and now you're like addicted to like buying shit from her only fans.
I mean, like, like I'm a young guy, you feel me so like.
It's a shame. I'm just like it's a shame. I like we could talk about this very like matter of fact.
It's like fuck, Like like I'm trying to do my thing, but it's like I'm not attracted to anyone else. Yeah, it's like I just need to feel something like I were no contact, Like I don't think her voicemail set up, so I like bought it. I just got to like see us together. It was super fucked no what like on that ship.
Yeah, No, this is s Yeah you're in a yeah, you're in like this crazy, potently addictive thing because like on like because everyone it's like a common thing, right of like you break up with someone and you like stalk their social media and yeah, it's so it's funny because like that is like a new phenomenon for the brain relatively, because you used to be able to just go no contact with someone and not see them, but now you have access to like everything they're doing with
their life. And then now you like on top of that is this crazy thing where like you know your ex is like uh, you know she has an OnlyFans and so now you can like you know, like purchase some form of like sexual intimacy with her. It's a crazy Yeah, it's a it's a crazy uh thing that you're like yours going on with the brain right now.
Like I was like trying to do my thing one night because I was like I just had like pent up energy, you know what I'm saying, and like it just like was not working. So I like I set up like a burner email, like it was like a twenty minute thing like to put my card and so in. It was like a whole thing.
Yeah, I have a rule of thumb. I mean I've broken this rule of thumb multiple times, but I have I haven't. I have a rule of thumb, which is never ever enter your credit card information into a website with one hand while your penis is in the other hand. Yes, real, Yeah was I've that rule, But there's are rules to live by. So yeah, So it sounds like you were like palpitably physically attracted to this woman in a way that you're not finding yourself attracted to other women.
Yeah.
Yeah, and you guys just broke up.
I mean, well, like fucking I think it was like back in August or some shit, but sorry, we were like still talking, like she was I moved in with a roommate and then she was like still coming over and shait because my roommate was on like a vacation, so I was alone and she was like, oh, like I'm leading you on. This is fucked up, this is
fucked up. And it went on and on, and it was like it's like I don't really think it's like that fucked up, Like I don't like people were like Loki telling her, like some people were saying like because we get like homies and they were like and she like even told me like face to face. She was like, yeah, I made the wrong decision, but I'm like into deep.
I'm sorry, I'm not following she made the wrong decision moving to Monch, like.
She was like, I feel like I probably shouldn't have broken up with you, or like I don't know if I should have. She was like I'm in too deep now, and like she's very like in her ways, like if she's going to do something, she's going to do it.
Yeah.
Like we were just talking how we like Montreal, and she was like we'removing okay, but like yeah.
Okay, And so when she decided to break up with you, like she's doing it, she's.
Not yeah yeah yeah. Like I was going to use her car and drop shit back off in New Brunswick. I had like all my shit in her car at her house and I was going to go that morning like to do like the six seven hour drive and then the night before, like I fall asleep like at like six or seven because I worked that morning. Yeah, and then I wake up at like ten, and everything at own was like in the lobby of my building for like four hours, like anyone could have just gone
through my ship. She's like, your ship's in your your lobby. We have to go no contact. And that was like three four weeks ago, and like since then, I've just been like going crazy low key on my own.
Yeah, yeah, I'm sure, I'm sure you have.
Yeah.
She sounds like she's uh like a little she sounds like she's much better than you are at like emotional detachment and moving on and like doing her ship. And that's really that's really painful. It's like extremely painful when like you you're going through it and she's not, and
you're like, well then what the fuck? Like I understand, like I feel your pain on that, but uh, there's a lot there's so and then yeah, now like doing this thing where like you like can't get her out of your mind like sexually, and that's making it really fucking hard to move on or like you know, like you're like whatever, like like you know, looking at her while you masturbate or like thinking about her while you masterbad shit like that, like that makes it harder to
move on. But good news, what's your name again, Devin? I gave you a name. Good news for you, Devin, Good news for you. A concept known as neuroplasticity. I'm not going to pretend like I'm studied anything, but things that uh, you're like potently addicted to her, like that become habit. Like the wrong with possibility exists. There exists a universe where you're no longer thinking about your ex while masturbating or buying photos of her, and shit, yeah
I hope, yeah there will there. Yeah, don't worry, you'll you know, there's hope for you, my friend. So you work a minute, you work a job, and you live in Montreal, and you sound like and you're twenty, so you're like you're still kind of like developing your like existence.
You know.
Yeah, yeah, I got a fund, like what I want to do, Like I don't know like what I want to do in my life. I'm kind of just here, like.
U huh, because yeah, you want to eventually find someone that you are attracted to it's not your ex and you you will eventually, but I think the process of getting there has to be a very indirect process that involves reaching some form of self actualization or some form of satisfaction with your own life. And where you are right yeah, and where you are right now? Uh is is like you can't yeah, you can't do that from where you are right now, you know. So you got to get out of that ship.
Yeah, that's why I'm trying to go outside, like like to that rave, Like that's low key awkward to go alone.
Like so stop, okay, so you yeah, you take it, Like, so, yeah, you texted me, you texted me the porn thing, but you also texted me rave exclamation point in all caps, tonight, do I go alone? Okay, let's talk about that. Tell me, I'm sorry I interrupted you, but I wanted to give some context. Tell me what are you? What are you gonna say?
Well, like, fuck, this sounds insane, like I sound super creepy. So like just like through mutuals, like I I had heard of a person before in the past that she knew, but I didn't like put any thought to it, any any thought into it. And then anyway, just like someone you hear through passing, like, oh, I was talking to this person. I was like, I need to just get outside of my house and like go to a store.
So I was like I was like fucking like four or five blocks away from my house, and I saw this chick like staring at me, and I was like, damn this, she's like that as fuck. And then like we passed each other and it was super awkward. And then I went to a store. She went to a store. Then I passed her again and like we both like kind of locked up, like we wanted to say something to each other, and I was like, I swear like
I recognize her from somewhere. And then like I went home and I was just like going through my Instagram and dead out, like I found her account because like through her story she had posted like I didn't think it was her, but I saw like her wearing the same outfit. It's like, well, this already is like insane, Like what are the chances I would know?
You know, how did you find this girl's Instagram account? Was that even knowing I know?
It was crazy?
No?
No, how did you find it without even knowing?
Oh?
Yeah, okay, go ahead.
We have like five or six different mutuals. So I was just like I went home and I was just on Instagram, just going through like random profiles and stories, and I saw this chick who was wearing like a super identifial identifiable hootie that the chick that I saw that day was wearing. And then I was just like going through random stories and I saw this rave. So I was like, I guess I'll just buy a ticket
try to go outside. Like like the the account that posted the rave, like five or six people that like I vaguely know like follow it. So I was like, maybe I should just go to.
This Are you are you going to this rave to try to meet this lady?
No?
No, Well I'm curious, how does how does how does how does the rave connect to this lady? Because it sounds like you brought it up this lady for a reason.
Well, because she initially how did it posted? I had it? She had it posted on her story like a month ago, like leading up to it.
Oh, okay, you found out about it. Yeah, let's how you found out about it.
It was just like super weird, Like I randomly saw this chick and I was like, I feel like I've seen you in like like in my head, I was like, I feel like I've seen her been added or like mentioned in post before. So I went onto my Instagram and it was like it was her, which already sounds creepy and random as fuck, but it was just like a random, like chance thing.
Mm hmm.
Okay, but way, I just saw this brave. Should I go to this ship? But like now I'm like, fuck, I shouldn't go alone to that? That's kind of weird.
No, I well, I have I have I have multiple I have multiple thoughts about this. Uh No, I well I definitely I definitely think you should go alone to the rave. Yeah, yeah, of course, Yeah, why do you think you shouldn't?
That's not weird, Like no, it's not weird, like standing like standing there alone?
Uh you can you can talk to people. It's a rave.
Yeah yeah yeah.
Because here's because well, because well there's a here's a bunch of things. I'm gonna tell you a bunch of things, the like like the whole the whole like sex brain combined with the internet thing and like the what like the the ways it's throwing you around. I've been there, A lot of people have been there, and I and I've been like been there, like through multiple cycles in my life, and the cycles in my life that i've my brain has been there, Uh, I were not particularly productive.
And the cycles of my life where my brain was not there are those cycles where I was actually creating a version of my life and a version of myself where I didn't even have to be there. Do you know what I'm saying? Do you get what I'm saying?
Yeah, kind of kind of okay.
Okay, And and so what you sound like you kind of need is like a bit of a win in terms of No, I'm not saying you got to go to this rave and get laid or whatever, but I do think it would be helpful for you to bare minimum have a little reminder to your sometimes if that's what you need, is like a little reminder to yourself
that you exist and you have social competence. And you're not gonna get that reminder by staying in your house, and you're not gonna get that reminder by looking somebody up on Instagram, and you're not gonna get that reminder by buying photos of your X on Instagram. You're really only going to get that reminder by like challenging yourself to do something kind of uncomfortable and then doing it, and then you just prove to yourself, Oh hey, I actually if I forgot I knew how to bro, you
can spend have done this, dude. You can spend dude. You can spend two weeks in your house fucking gooning and then uh here and then go outside and be and then talk to someone and be like, oh shit, I forgot that. I'm like an actual human being and I know how to talk to people. I know it exists.
Yeah, I've been like drawing, like in random parks, just like to like just like be outside, like not in my room.
So this rave to me, I please, like don't go to the rave being like I'm gonna meet this girl, I'm gonna get laid, but but like go into it.
I'm not weird like that, Like I.
Don't think you are. I don't think you are, but I just like just go into it, being like, here's an opportunity for me to remind myself that I know how to connect with other people, and I know how to connect with the world around me at large, and I don't have to like be in my room alone doing whatever thing I'm ashamed of myself for doing you know, yeah, yeah, does that make sense?
Yeah?
Yeah, So you know go and but and if you go, and if you try to if you go, when you try to talk to people and you get like ejected or feels weird, and you have a little impulse within you that's telling you like, why am I alone? I'm weird? This is weird. I'm like, I'm like I.
Just kind of like to see people that I know, you know what I'm saying, Like, Okay, people that were friends with my ex like follow the account that's been posting about it, so okay, and they've been like liking the post, and it's like, oh, like I really don't want to see these people.
Okay, then you don't have to go to that rate. But like like you have some instinct within you that wants to like be out, you know, yeah.
So.
Do that follow go wherever that instinct tells you to go. And again, if you're out and you're talking to people and you like feel a little rebuffed, and you have this thing and your brain that's telling you, like, I feel weird being here alone. I don't. I feel like like I feel deeply uncomfortable, like like try as hard as you possibly can to push past that because only I just I really believe and it's I'm telling you
it's it's so much easier said than done. But on the other side of that, I really believe that on the other side of that is some win for you, some evening for you, something happening for you that you just you go home being like, Okay, I remember, like who I am when I'm not like addicted to ah, whatever the things I'm addicted to are, or like, I just remember that I have some kind that I have the ability to exist as a normal human being. Is am I is anything I'm saying resonating with you?
Yeah, yeah, I'm just listening to you. You're you're you're making sense.
Okay, good, So you know, don't put any pressure on it, but yeah, you're something within you wants to go out and be amongst society. So I I know, whether or not you go to this rave or you go to a fucking pinball tournament doesn't matter to me, but uh, I think it's good to follow that instinct.
Yeah, I think I just need to like talk to people because like when I like saw that random chick, like I think I just need like attention from a woman right now, because like I saw her and I was like, I was like, this girl's like like like a like like dead ass, like a ten and she like glanced at me and fixed her hair and that that was like euphoric. Like I was like thinking about that for days.
You know, dude, it's so god. I want to I wish I could. I wish I could cut up in your brain and rewire it. Dude. It's so contradictory or whatnot.
But like.
It's so it's so contradictory, but you gotta at like, yeah, I know what you mean, but you gotta somehow get yourself to a place where you don't feel like you need that, because I know it's so cliche, but it is true that once you get to the point where you don't need that, you start to you start to just like feel healthy because like, yeah, of court, like right, yeah, because if you're like, you know, gooning and you're like freaking out and you're like anxious and you're depressed, then yeah,
of course something in your brain is gonna be like all I fucking need to exist right now is the attention of a of a woman, And it's so paradoxical because it's operating from that place that that like like fucks you in a way, you know. So yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. And I'm telling you this because I've like
been like in the cycles of it before. But like, uh, yeah, you got to rewire yourself to a point where you're just like a happy and content with your life, and then you can build so much of a foundation upon that that will ultimately and invertently can get can uh you know, allow allow you to be in positions where you will naturally find yourself with the attention of of a of a of a of a lady.
You know.
Yeah. And I kind of just got to figure my shit out because I was like content with my ex but I wasn't really doing anything, Like I was just like working my job, hanging out with friends, like doing whatever. Like I feel like if I just end up in another a relationship, I'll just like go back to that, you know what I'm saying.
Like, yeah, exactly, no, dude, yeah, yeah exactly. That's why you that's why you get Yeah, it's why you gotta find something for yourself right now that will just allow you to be like okay with breathing. You're still there?
Yeap?
Was this helpful?
This was very helpful. You've done a lot different on the fun.
I guess I wouldn't know because I've never talked well, I talked to myself a lot, but I've never on the phone. All right, Well, Devin, good luck, Devon. I believe in you. Thanks h I'll see you around the universe. Good luck. Yeah, that was Devn. That was Devin. I gotta go to Montreal at some point. Montreal seems like a fun, cool place to exist. Should I go to Montreal? Should I eat a donut in Montreal out of Tim Horton's? That sounds fun?
Hello? Hello, what's up?
Is this a get go?
Oh?
Yeah? What's your name?
My name's James, Dude.
Good to talk to you.
Good to talk to you too, James. What's going on with you today?
Uh?
Uh?
Fuck?
Man, I mean nothing too specific today. I'm seeing the Chainsaw Man movie later.
I'm pretty happed about that.
What's the Chainsaw Man movie?
So there's this anime that came out like I don't even know how long ago. Now, it might be like four years ago. I think it came out in like twenty twenty Uh, it's based on a manga, as most anime is, and as the the movies coming out or came out yesterday I think, and some of me and my girlfriend are gonna go see it tonight.
Cool, very good. Uh wait, is that the one with the dog?
Yeah, dude, he's got like a an orange like chainsaw dog thing.
Yeah, it's got like the like the equals three face almost you know what I'm saying.
Does the does he does the chainsaw Man? Okay, so I've seen that dog before, the chainsaw Dog. I always thought that the dog is the main character. But there's a man and he does he use the dog as a chainsaw?
Yeah?
So all right, So spoilers for Chainsaw Man for sure, for you know, anyone listening. But so he initially he's in debt to the mob and he uses the dog as a chainsaw to kill these devils to sell to the mob for money. But then he ends up getting like the dude, the man gets dismembered and the dog like fuses with his heart and he becomes like this like crazy like chainsaw head, like chainsaw arms, chainsaw everything pretty much man, chainsaw Man.
It's you know, m hmm.
Interesting have you ever seen The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Yeah, you know what, I actually just saw that for the first time. I was pretty shocked because I'm into like slasher movies and shit, but i'd never seen that one, and obviously it's pretty influential for the whole genre. So I don't know why I never got around to it, but it had a pretty like on the nose anti violence sentiment, at least to me.
You know, wait, you're telling me that the Texas chains I've never I don't think I've ever actually seen it. I mean, I just know about it. It's a pop culture thing. You're telling me that the movie itself has an anti violence sentiment.
Yeah, so, okay, here's what I'm gonna say. I don't know that it's necessarily like completely on the nose anti violence, even though I just said that, because obviously it's a
slasher movie. But the whole thing is like framed around this idea where like the movie opens and they talk about like how fucked up it is that uh, like cattle used to get killed with sledgehammers, like they'd hit him in the head and then they'd like be like seizing up or whatever, Like how inhumane that was, and then they talk about how like, you know, it's still inhumane to do it with the bolt gun, but not everyone agrees, and they show like the you know, like
they show the cows and whatever, so I think the point of it.
And then when people.
Get killed, there's only you know, there's only one dude that actually gets killed with the chainsaw on that movie. The rest of them get hit in the head with hammers.
Do they show the guy getting like how graphic is.
The well, that's the thing. Also, the first one from like the I don't know if it was from the early seventies of the sixties or even the late seventies, I guess I don't really know when it came out, but they it literally like the one dude that actually gets killed with a chainsaw, you only see it from behind. The most graphic that movie gets dude is probably the first kill of the whole thing. The dude gets he gets bonked on the head and starts like season up.
It's pretty fucked up. But other than that, like, yeah, there's like a chick that comes out of a freezer and that wouldn't be pleasant, but it's not like particularly graphic, you know.
I guess the Texas Hammer massacre doesn't have the same ring to it, but that is the movie. Yeah, you call that in production.
That's hysterical.
Holy shit, can you imagine? I don't think it would have become the phenomenon that it was, but I'll say the you know, there's like it's actually kind of hysterical that there's like probably fifteen minutes of chainsaw chase in that movie. That's literally just like a woman running through the woods and dudes streaming and running after with a chainsaw and they do that for like fifteen minutes.
Well, James, let me ask you, is there anything in particular that you called in to want to talk about today or is just shooting the shit dude?
I gotta be honest, like, I'm it's just crazy that you picked up you know what I mean. I do want to say, I'm right now, I'm in grad school. I'm getting a doctorate in clinical and school psychology, and I don't know, like I I found out about you an undergrad man and listening to a lot of the calls that you do, it's it's it's been really inspiring to hear how people open up, even in environments that you know, aren't necessarily like closed and how you'd think of therapy.
Uh.
And I think, just like.
With everything that I've been learning, I think the questions that you ask or are really insightful.
Oh thanks, man, I appreciate that. Hmmm. Well, okay, what's what how's your journey in clinical psychology going.
It's going pretty good so far. I mean, you know, obviously I'm I'm really interested in everything that I end up learning. But the at some point, like you know, once you hit the terminal.
Degree level, they're like, well, read these.
Like literally like three hundred pages a week, and it's kind of the ryest shit you've ever read in your life. And a lot of it, at least for this because I just entered my first semester, a lot of it right now is just like dry ass like New York State like legislative shit that you need to know to make sure that you don't get sued.
You know, yeah, that sounds important to not you know, do it in a way that you know, to do it in a way that's not illegal.
Oh yeah, one hundred percent, because I mean, if you do it in a way that's illegal, because uh, you're you end up practicing under the light the licenses of some of your professors in this program, you know, they're on the hook, so it's not just you. And on top of that, like if you're not doing it the way that you're supposed to, you could be fucking up a client, you know. So it's definitely a big deal.
Yeah, totally. Hm hmmm. Uh what do you think of the psychological ramifications of getting hit really hard in the head with a hammer?
I would say, uh, if you end up dead, there's not much psychological ramifications because you just be dead at that point.
Wouldn't psychological ramification dead deadness?
Now you're getting philosophical, man, you know, because like if there's nothing to am, like if you can't think, are you am?
You know? Oh?
Yeah that's true. Yeah, Life's for the living.
Life is for the living, dude, life is for the living.
Are you.
I got to actually ask you, man, because you know, I've definitely listened to to a bunch of the podcast, but I'm wondering did you look into like any like like how to be an effective therapist or anything before you started?
It's not that, like, you know, absolutely not, absolutely not. No, No, I'm not. I don'm not even I'm not even I'm not really trying to even be a therapist or like anything like that. I'm just, uh, I'm just talking.
About your Yeah, well that's good. Did you look into Yeah.
Well, I don't, like I don't know, like sometimes I just like be talking to somebody in like my actual life. There's a big pet peeve of mine. I'll be like talking to someone in my actual life and then they look at me and they're like, are you doing your therapy gecko thing on me right now? And I'm like no, I'm just it's just it's just I have a natural curiosity for certain things that I guess end up steering themselves towards, uh something therapy. E. But it's not like
an intentional practice of therapy. I mean, I'm just really trying. I'm just really like chatting with people, you know. I'm just like, uh, it's it's just an interesting way to like connect with people and kind of share little slices of everyone's life and uh put put them on paper plates and hand them ount to whoever the fuck is listening, you know.
Yeah, I mean, dude, I think you'd be surprised at like how close you get to to really like effective therapy,
especially for like first sessions and shit. Like what we're learning right now, or at least what I'm learning in one of my classes is about the first stage, which is like exploration, you know, and pretty much you know there there's more specifics than this, but on like a base level, one of the main things is just having like openness and honesty and curiosity about what everybody brings to the table and what people want to talk about. And I think that, I mean, you really, you really
have that in droves. It's it's pretty impressive.
Thanks man. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like I'm naturally curious about things, except when I get burnt out. Like in my I always feel like I have like like five different versions of myself and I don't know if any I don't believe in any of them to be like the true one. There's definitely one. There's definitely versions of myself that I'm more proud of than others,
that I like more than others. But I think that they all come together to make you know me, And I think I have versions of myself that are very curious and like to engage and be with people, and you know it is optimistic and whatnot. And I think when when I'm channeling that, you know, I can be yeah effective at some shit like that. But then I also asked that versions of myself that just would fucking don't want to fucking talk to anyone or do anything
and you know, burnt out. It depends who shows up that day, you know what I'm saying.
Yeah, man, I get that too. And you know, I don't know if it's necessarily a cliche, but it's kind of like a bumper sticker but the whole like we contain multitudes type of thing.
Yeah, I think that.
That definitely applies. You said when you said you you have five, do you like know specific Like is that specific or are you just like picking a number?
No, I was throwing a number out there. It's probably specifically five.
I know.
I was wondering if you had like a like a specific like, man, there's like five moods that could be.
In I could run. That would be an interesting practice to try to like identify them and write them down. Yeah, yeah, that would be an interesting practice to like see if I can identify them and write them down. That would also feel wreaky, That would feel claustrophobic, because then I'd be looking at it and being like, oh, this is the cage that I live in. Yeah, yeah, I can't be. I can't. I can't be outside of these five versions of myself that I've clearly defined. That's that would I
think that would give me. That would make me feel crazy. If I'm gonna I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna try to do it and see if I see what I got.
Yeah, put out a newsletter with the five stages.
A geck, what do you have? How many versions of yourself? Do you have?
A good question?
Man, I don't really know. I feel like I've got like a at least two for sure, because I think that too to the time. Yeah, at least at least, because there's probably more. I just haven't thought about it that much. Like this is a pretty interesting thought experiment.
But when I think about it, I think I'm pretty consistent with like, you know, I just kind of a lot of the time I'm spending time in my apartment just kind of either reading for school, playing guitar, and then the other mode would just be like you know, pretty much anything outside where you kind of put it on, you know, what I mean, sure, and like you're either like doing work with other people or trying to get something done efficiently a lot of the time.
Man.
I mean the reason I say it's pretty consistent though, is just like you know, getting stoned out of your brain and like fucking playing music or whatever.
You know.
I can't believe you only have two. That's very your sound you sound. I think if you only have two, you're a very healthy guy. You think so, I think so, yeah, I mean you're a very healthy guy or like you prefer like, uh, it sounds like you prefer like a simpler existence. I don't know if that's is that accurate. I don't know if that's offensive to say. I don't think it's offensive. I think I'm just trying to be like matter of fact about it.
Yeah, one hundred percent. I mean it wouldn't be offensive to me personally. I could definitely see what you're saying where.
Like some people might.
But I don't know that, Like, I don't know how much more there really needs to be, you know, other than just like doing whatever it is that is making you happy in that moment. And obviously I guess it might get confused if like what makes you happy, is like now adaptive or whatever like like that or what if you confuse like happy for comfortable. You know what I mean, because you've got to be uncomfortable sometimes to like grow and whatever.
But yeah, I know what you man, I know your man. Hm hmm. I was going to say something and I forgot. I've probably said this on here before. But I used to think that I used to want to not have different versions of myself. I used to think that it was the ultimate. I used to think it was a strong virtue, and maybe part of me still does. But I used to think it was a very strong virtue if you could have as if you could be the
same person as consistently as possible across all situations. I used to think that was a virtue, and in some ways I still do. Like I think that if you can, like if you're like a confident guy, but only like in certain situations, and then you get placed in like a very foreign environment and you like can maintain who you are and maintain your confidence in that foreign environment, I find that very impressive. Like I've seen people do that.
I've seen people where like I've hung out with them and they're a certain way when I'm talking to them, and then like we're in some situation or some shit where like if I was in this situation, I would definitely, not even intentionally, I would just like maybe be more quiet or something like that. And I've seen someone be in a situation like that and they're the fucking same version of themselves. I find that to be very virtuous.
Some people are just fucking built like that. Nowadays, I'm like I do nowadays, I do think that that's virtuous, But I also don't think it's necessarily realistic. I don't think it's realistic to be the same I don't think it's realistic to be the same version of you when you're working and when you're with your friends and when you're talking to your grandma, and when you're sad, and when you're happy, and when you're angry and when you're whatever.
I don't I don't think it's realistic. I think you have to have some you have to have some level of like keeping yourself. You have to have some baseline level to which you're subscribing. But that's that feels very inhuman to me. I feel like it's more human to be the to have five different version of observe yourself than it is to like stay consistent. I still I
still think it's a virtue to stay consistent. I'm trying to think of a specific example because I don't being very vague, but like, uh, I don't know, like if you're you know, if you're like at a party or something, and.
Like your party self versus like your school self versus your job self.
Kind Yeah, sure, whatever, Yeah, something like that. I do still think it's I don't. I think it's a virtue in some degree. I'll not allow outside stimulus to let you change who you are, but sometimes it's inside stimulus that's changing who you are. Sometimes, like your fucking just whatever emotion is overtaking you is causing you to be someone different.
Yeah, totally. I mean what I think about when when you're saying this man is the movie Shrek. You know, we're like, we're like onion, But that movie was about ogres, So I don't know if that necessarily applies.
Yeah, I got to you, but yeah, when Shrek is like, people are like onions. They have layers. Although the the the onion analogy implies the onion analogy I don't like because it implies a hierarchy, and I don't believe that the different versions have a hierarchy. Maybe they maybe they When I think of versions of myself, I'm like, oh, I like when I think of versions of myself, I'm like, oh, I like some of these a lot better than others.
But so maybe they have maybe they have a hierarchy in terms of quality, but not in terms.
Of truth, like being true to your like in terms of like who you actually are.
Yeah, yeah, I don't think that. I don't think that the different layers of yourself have a hierarchy in terms of like truth, Like I think who you are when you're fucking pissed off or when you're happy, or when you're around this person in that person, I think they all are true because you're being that in that moment that you're existing, Like they're part of your the narrative of who you are, and they you can adapt and
change it evolve. But like, uh, I don't know they're all true, but they definitely have a hierarchy in terms of like, yeah, I've been like if I've been like an asshole to some one when I was like pissed off, or if I've been really nice or kind or selfish or loving to somebody when I was feeling in that moment, like both of those are true, Like I think they sit on equal footing of truth, but they definitely sit on opposite footings in terms of like which of those
I think is better to embody? You know, But it's definitely better to be the version of myself that is, you know, kind than like pissed off. But I don't know if you'd either one of them is the the true one.
Yeah, I get what you mean, man, And I think it's important to just like remember that, you know, like whenever you're wherever you are in the present, you're always kind of like just making decisions that become you, you know what I mean.
Yeah, So like you can.
Be any of those and thinking back on this is just a way of like underunderstanding how you'd prefer to act in the future, you know.
Yeah, you know, it's you know what you know, it makes it feel existential. Sometimes I don't feel existential in this moment. I feel pretty grounded, but it's I've gotten into a crazy existential loop before just thinking about like how I can never take a break from being myself.
Yeah, it's true. Man, because whoever you're you are at that moment is just you.
You know.
You know, you can stay inside and play video games and like ignore the world as long as you possibly can, but like, uh, you can never really take a break from being yourself. That doesn't freak me out. In this moment, I feel okay, But there's been times where that streaked me out.
You know what kind of freaks me out? Dog, And I don't want to like, you know, take you to an existential place, but.
No, I'm here for I'm here for it in this moment.
Let's do it, all right, sweet dude. Well, I get kind of fucking freaked out when I smoke a shit ton.
Of weed about like just like.
I don't I don't know if this is necessarily the way, because I don't know that I've ever articulated this tvah man. But like I think about almost like developing, like past versions of myself have like died almost and I wonder, like, am I like really the same consciousness you know what I mean? Like almost ship a theseus style, because like we're constantly like shedding our skin and whatever and like becoming like physically literally new people, and like you know,
developing new physical characteristics and everything. But on top of that, like psychologically we're constantly like changing and having new experiences that make us respond in different ways in the future based off of like what our con sexualization of the world and like how we fit into it and how that changes over time. And I and I like wonder about like whether like memories I have of myself, if like that self still exists or if like I'm a totally new dude, you know what I mean.
Uh yeah, I think the self. Yeah, I think that self still exists. I mean it's you.
Yeah, you think so, you.
Know, unless if you're like unless if you're counting every single second of your life to be a different version of you, which you can. That's what I'm saying, is that is that Alan there's that Alan Watts thing of like you're under no obligation to be who you were five minutes ago. Yeah, but it's hard. I don't know if that's I'm I'm I'm saying that as a bit
of an idealist. Yeah, yeah, that it's like I in my idealist version of the universe, Yeah, you're you're under no obligation to be who you are or uh five minutes ago, But yeah, do those versions of yourself still exist?
Yeah?
I mean you're still alive, You're still here. But also it's like, yeah, I mean, what's going on now? Right like for example, like for example, like when you think of these past versions, like things like do you do that press version of you still exist? Like it's manifested in the things that you're doing every day, right like because yea, So imagine when you think of like a memory you had with a friend, like and you're like, oh, do I still exist?
Well?
Do you still talk to that friend? Do you have a relationship with them? You know, Like I mean, are you're still alive? You're still breathing, You're not fucking dead? You still you still am, you have the you're not you still have the thoughts. You haven't been hit in the head with a hammer or chainsaw, so yeah, you are still yourself? Yeah, sure, you still exist?
Why not?
Who cares?
That's a pretty clean solution of that conundrum. Man, Like, if you don't get hit in the head with a like a cattle sledgehammer and you're not seasoned out, you're you're still like you're still there.
Yeah, you're kind of you until you die, I think, but you can manage you can't You're kind of you until you die. You can manage you if you think of yourself as like a disease, uh, which I sometimes think of Sometimes I think of my my ego and my identity as a fucking disease. And I'm like, well, yeah, you know, there's no cure for cancer yet. There's no
cure for the cancer of being myself yet. But uh with you know, with with certain chemotherapy, it can be managed and a good life can still be lived, you know what I mean.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, well hey man, that's the that's the key, you know, just trying to live as good a life as you can.
Yeah, and.
Hopefully everyone can, you know, James, Yeah.
This was good. I needed a I needed a psycholog I needed a psychological I needed an existential conversation today.
Anytime I need some existential thoughts, man, I throw on the therapy.
Get Goo podcasts good.
Yeah. Sometimes I don't know it's weird. I'm not I'm gonna keep prolonging this conversation just im thinking about it now.
But uh.
Yeah, like I feel really good this week. I feel really good right now because I'm on stimulants or whatever. But I'm like this, I go in like these fucking cycles man, of like, yeah, sometimes it feels good and I feel idealist and I feel whatever, and then I kind of return to, you know, a more depressive state.
And sometimes I feel like that's just the disease of my existence, and I've held out hope that things can I uh, yeah, no, I think every time, every time I return to the surface and catch my breath, I learned a new thing.
You know.
It's like I was talking to the guy. I don't know if I'll use these two calls in the same episode or whatever, but I was talking to the guy, uh who was a janitor about how his life is good. And I've been doing that with myself. But I'm just like realizing that, like, you know, my life is good whether or not I you know, exist in some weird existential state. Anyway. Anyway, anyway, I'm ready to I'm ready to end this. It was good talking to you, James.
You're good, You're You're a cool guy. You're a cool guy. I'm I'm excited for whatever you do in your psychology universe.
Thanks brother, I appreciate it. And you know, I mean I think it's clear from my previous rhetoric, but I think you're a pretty cool, cool guy too.
Man, Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?
Uh?
Yeah, I mean, try to.
Try to have.
Empathy for other people and really try to understand why people make the decisions they do.
And I think that.
You'll be a lot more understanding for it and maybe have less less spite in the world, you know, And I think that's only good. And then on top of that, not to milk this, but read more hurt Vonnegut.
My final thought rock and Roll.
I've never I don't really I don't really read books, but yeah, I guess read. I thought I thought there was gonna be a butt to that, but I realized the truth is that there's no. But I'm sorry.
Well, a good place to start, dog, if you're interested, either Slaughterhouse five, Cat's Cradle, or Sirens the Titan all really really good books.
Okay, Okay, that's good to know. Yeah, maybe.
Give it a whirl if you want.
Thank you, James, you have a good rest of your entire life.
Man, he's too Dog, I'll talk to you later.
Lady James. Right, yeah, I'm not a book guy. Uh, And I don't feel I used to feel I used to like. I don't know, I don't subscribe to like I think I don't subscribe to reading as a virtue. I think it's just one of several I don't know. I'm not here. I'm not shitting on this guy's books. I'm just I don't know. I'm just vamping right now. But I don't think. I don't as I get old. As I get older, I'm like, I don't think. I have a few strongly held beliefs. One is that, at
least domestically, all food is the same. So when someone is like, oh, the the Mexican food in San Antonio, Texas is so good, I'm like, all right, but there's a you know, ah, in Maryland, in like a small town in Timonium, there's a really good Mexican restaurant where you can get a burrito, and your experience of eating that burrita will be pretty identical to the one that
you got in San Antonio. In Denver, there's probably a good Mexican place in San Francisco's there's probably, like you know this, all food is the same domestically, that's one of my strongly held beliefs. My other strongly held belief as I don't think reading is inherently virtuous. I don't know why I'm going on this rant. I just needed more things to say. Yeah, go read, Go read the books that this guy's staying to read. Yeah, if you're not a fucking idiot like me, go read the books
that this kind gentleman is saying to read. My friend let me slaughter House five once. I didn't read it. I have too much ADHD to like sit and read a book, so I talked to I was just like, even when I was like yeah, even when I was in h like high school and shit, I just always did the spark notes. I read Animal Farm cover to cover. That was the one book. But like, I'm not fucking reading Watership Down cover to cutter cover. You know, I got Call of Duty to play. I got Yeah, I
had too many ADHD for that ship. But yeah, go read a book. Maybe go read a book. Okay. My rant about this is over. Was on the line taking your phone calls every night. Everything get goes to on his eye.
He's teaching you to hout of your life, but he's not really an expert,