Hello, Hey, Hey, what's up? Oh my god, this is while Yes, who is this?
Ah?
This is Laura, Laura. What's up Laura? Have we ever spoken before?
No?
We have not beautiful beautiful, So what's up, Laura? How's life?
Life is Okay? I just broke up with a guy I've been kind of on and off with for about seven years. We dated in high school and then we kind of distance and.
We met.
We found each other on Tinder, and so we swiped and we hung out for a minute, and then we kind of distanced again, and then we ran into each other on campus and go back in love. And I ended thing because I didn't want to waste time because I don't think much. So actually, I don't know what's really weird. Usually I am like heartbroken, but I feel normal.
You're usually heartbroken when.
It's off, Yeah, usually like when I end things and stuff. But I don't know. I just I'm riding the wave. I'm a little confused, but you know, I'm just living.
You normally feel heartbroken when it's off, specifically with this guy that you've been on love with so many times.
Yeah, and also like in general when I have a connection. But yeah, but it kind of sucks because you know, he was a stable guy. I see him being like a husband and like a father. But I'm twenty three right now and I'm not really looking for something stable, like I'm trying to. I'm trying to move out of the state I'm living in and try I want to get a bartending experience. I'm also like a audio engineer too, so I want to try to get a job after I get my shirt certification at like a cruise ship
or something. I've heard someone from your podcast say that they worked on a cruise ship and it sounds so fun.
So, uh, why do you think you feel differently this time than you normally do.
I don't know.
I I guess I'm trusting in the universe that everything's going to what it needs to be. I don't know, it's I'm confused to I'm also going through other stuff, but I'm not trying to go too deep, so there's like other worries on my mind. But I don't know. It's really weird to me that I'm I feel afloat and like I do have my moments where I do get like sad and like deeply like oppressed a little bit. I don't know for things ending, but this time, I
just I don't know. I maybe I think might I know that we're probably gonna see each other again, and we left on good terms, so we're still friends, but we don't talk. But I don't know.
Uh.
It's really weird because these I'm I'm usually a very emotional person, so it's very off for me.
Hm uh, well, I mean it could it be because you just feel a stronger sense of direction for the future that you're like, oh, I don't even need this.
Possibly. I was watching someone on YouTube about like their perspective. They were reading like Reddit stories falling out of love stories, and they mentioned saying, well, if my boyfriend wanted to go move and like pursue their career or like something like that, and they had to leave me behind, that's a no, I would end it. And I'm like, well, personally for me, I I don't know. I wouldn't. I
don't feel like that should. It's all different for everyone for relationships, but for me personally, I don't think I can pursue a relationship that's long distance. I get too emotional and my number one love language is like quality time. So and he also the guy was with or used to be. We only saw each other like once a week because we didn't live too far. But we're both
students and we both have full time jobs. But he worked with his best friends every day in the same office, and then he would hang out with them afterwards because they all have the same schedule. And then I would feel a little bit like I'm not a priority because he would go out with his friends and he wouldn't like really communicate really well. But we had like a little argument and a small break like a week or
something where we just needed distance from each other. But then we came back and we both talked and we try to meet with each other, and honestly, it was really well, and the relationship was like perfect. He's exactly what I needed and a boyfriend. But for some reason I just wasn't fulfilled, I guess with him, which sucks because he was a very stable person and he had a very high paying job and all this and that, like he was husband material.
But why didn't you feel why didn't you feel fulfilled with him? Do you think?
Well, to be honest, not like it was the whole thing, but a big part of it was he was a little vanilla in bed.
Really.
Uh yeah. I was open with him and I'm like, I'm down to do and try anything. And he did his best, but I could tell that he was not comfortable trying things or like but they.
Was just I mean, can I ask, like, what were you asking him to like tie you up and shit like that? I mean, what were you trying to get him to do?
I don't know.
I just told him to be a little bit more sonamant, just to start small. I also bought a sex game to get his toes in the water with stuff. But and that helped a little bit. But we wouldn't play the game too often because it would just come up in the mood, you know, like it would have to be a special night like that it would be like a date night that I would bring it out. But most of the time it wasn't a date night. We would just hang it out.
So the game thing is interesting. The game thing is interesting because it's like, uh, I feel the same way about bringing out a board game, uh for sex that I do with bringing out a board game. Uh, in any social interaction, which is like we were having a nice, normal, natural time and now you want to put fucking all these rules and things. It's just real. It's like when you're at a party and someone brings out like cards against humanity and you're like, I don't want to fucking do this.
You know.
The sex version of that sounds like doubly as awful.
I mean, it wasn't bad, but it was actually kind of fun. And the game would be a drinking and sex game, so like if you didn't want to do something, you would drink. Ah, but we don't really drink that often. I mean I might have had issues with alcohol in the past, but like I'm trying to my buddy's first now, and alcohol makes you inflamed and stuff like that, and like it's not good for your skin, so I'm trying
to hold back. It's a little hard, but I mean, like because every day sounds fun to be a little buzzed, but I have priorities.
So he was just like, I mean, you were on and off with this guy for seven years. Was he like not sexually fulfilling for you for the whole time?
Yeah? I mean no, uh. When we were younger, especially, like I like, it was really fun and exciting, but then, like, to be honest, during our break I went to a music festival and I found a guy there and we did a couple of hand stuff. But he was exactly what I was asking him to be in bed. But I don't ever see him becoming that.
Interesting. And Okay, I want to ask you something and you listen. If it's too sensitive for you, totally understand, but uh, you know, listen for guys out there, right, because this is probably a lot of guys out there who like this is this is like their worst fucking nightmare, you know what I mean, like nothing to do with you. It's truly nothing to do with you.
You're like, no, fucked up a little bit?
Not I I no, it's not. I don't think it's fucked up at all. I want you to know that I don't think it's fucked up at all. I think it's natural to like, you know, pursue as you desire, you know, So I don't think it's fucked up at all. But I mean, if you want to break, right, and if he knew, it's not like you were cheating on him, right.
Uh No, I mean like we were on like a small break, like the weak break that I told you about, Like we weren't really single, but we weren't really together.
Were the where the perimeters established that it was like cool to sleep with other people.
I'm not sure that didn't really come up in combo. Prior before, like a couple of days prior before the festival, we had a good talk, and I think he thought that we were together when I just needed space.
He came.
He just came to drop my Diva cup off because I left one thing at his time and I was going to go in the water and stuff. So I couldn't like end camping for a few days, and I would rather have my Diva cup than having to switch tampons out. And unfortunately he had my Diva cup, and I didn't want to drop thirty dollars just for another one that I won't even use. So we I was kind of not really forced, but like it was, it was forced kinda to have that conversation too soon.
So but you were on But I guess when you went to this festival you were on a break.
Yes, it kind of. Yeah, I don't know if we were like complete completely on a break. After the conversation.
Let me ask you this, if if during that week you found out that he went to a music festival and got a hand job. Would you be upset?
I mean, uh, not to the degree that I usually would, because I would have done the same thing.
But would you have found that to be a violation of of of I suppose implied parameters.
I mean, if we communicated with me honestly, no, because communication is number one, and if he's honest with me, I wouldn't be upset. I would just I mean I would get a little sad and hurt in a way, but I would be very thankful that he was honest with me, and I was honest I danced with another guy if I didn't completely tell him that we went to second base or something.
So what So what was it that you got from this like second guy that you weren't getting from your boyfriend.
Quality time because he wasn't there. I guess he was the other guy was there, and he stuck hip by me essentially, you know, and we just we're kind of won for that. No festival, I mean, there was a point where we were separated because I had to go to my camp and he had to go to his. But we made plans to go meet at the Hammocks and then but I told him I'm like, I may or may not be able to come because I'm gonna be tripping on shrooms and I don't know where I'm
going to be at that point, I can't. But then he the guy found me at a twenty thousand person festival. My dude, my festival guy found me at my camp site, and I'm like, what the hell? So he's dedicated. I don't know, but I don't know. I he just tried. I don't the other guy, we had a bunch of bumps in the road. The guy been with for seven years. Anyway, we had a bunch of bumps and a lot of
rocks in the road. But like we overcame that. But at the end, I was just I just wasn't fulfilled and he wasn't attending to me so much in bed like the other guy was. Like the other guy made sure I finished, while the guy I was with like if he finished, he like he was essentially done, you know. So I don't know. I feel like that plays a part as well as like where I stand about how not that he's not the I'm not using the right word, but for how he feels fulfilled with me in his life.
I don't know, I just feel like it's a little bit reflection.
Mm hmmm, mm hmm. Well, I you know, I don't when I said, here's the thing is, I don't think it's fucked up too. I mean, I think, yeah, you like it. It seems as though like the idea that it was fine to see other people was like quasily implied, but definitely could have been like communicated more upfront in such a way that was you know, made it so that both people were like clear about it. And you know, I think that sounds like something that could have been
done better. But I think the the well, the guilt of like, uh doing something that you know, you know, even even the guilt of like, even though it is supposedly or definedly within my bounds because we're on a break to be able to do this, like I still understand that it uh you know, there is I understand like a natural guilt of you know, uh yeah, this will probably not be fun for the person that I'm
leaving behind. But it's also but it's also hard because like I think, again, as long as you know, it could have been better communicated, right that this is this is what you were going off to do. But I think it is you know, within your bounds to like find what you seek, especially if you feel like you've tried, you know, with the person that you were with, you know what I mean. But it's hard. I mean, these
are these things. These things aren't easy and and it's and even even if you guys were broken up, broken up, you know, it's still uh a natural thing to like you can't you can't just it's never a clean cut emotionally. It's never going to be a clean cut emotionally. And that's just I think part of life.
Yes, it's a part of life for sure. And that's another thing. Like I feel like, since we tried so much, I just know all the outcomes and I feel like that's why I'm not too upset or I'm afraid that I'm gonna like get upset later and be like that damn my loss, you know. But I mean, I want to focus on myself and I honestly get myself lost in a relationship. So I feel like my goals will be a little bit put on hold because I have the loaves chemical over keeping me and wanting to spend time.
But but now you why that seems to factor into the reason as to why you don't feel as bad as because yeah, you know, if after seven years, you've kind of like, uh, done the whole doctor strange, I've calculated several million you know I'm talking about I've calculated several million ways in which this could go and there's no where it works out.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, it's that's hard. That's hard. But seven years, I mean you met when did you meet the guy? When you were you met the sky when you were like sixteen?
Yeah, about I mean seventeen, I mean, yeah, bro, it's so weird.
I was, uh, I was talking to my mom yesterday about about my grandparents. My grandparents met when my grandfather was twenty nine and my grandma was nineteen, and then they were just together for like forty seven years. Like that's how it used to be. That's how it used to be. Literally, it used to be right that you were like you were fucking like sixteen and you just get married and then it's like that for fucking forever. And I was like, that's fine, that's crazy, Like that used to.
Be yes and so together.
Yeah, I mean that shit's crazy. But you know, in the modern world, No, I don't think. I think it's good that you can recognize, Hey, the guy that I met when I was sixteen, maybe I'm actually a different person now after seven years, and maybe he's a different person now after seven years. And life has this natural transience to it that brings the natural pain to it. But that's it's just a thing that you got to kind of, I think, bear through in order to see
what else could fulfill you. You know, or you could or you could just be with the same guy since sixteen. A lot of people do that, and you know, they live I guess happily ever after in the suburbs, or sometimes miserable or sometimes miserably ever after. But doesn't sound like that's what you want. It sounds like you want to really go on the a life will present you with, like, hey, you want to take the motherfucking ride, and you can
do it. It's hard. It's more painful than just like setting up your life at sixteen and being like, I'm gonna be with this person and do this and live here for the next fifty five years. Yeah, but I think it's worth it to take the ride as long as, uh, you know, you don't feel like you're I feel like you're communicating properly and you're not hurting anyone.
Yeah, yeah, yeah you can't because I feel really guilty about that. But I mean, what can you do. I'm I just won't do it again, you know, just communicate more. But yeah, for sure. And yeah, it just also sucks because every time we have a break, It'll be like a couple of years we wouldn't see each other, but every time I would see him, you would have a glow up where he would look cuter, and I'm like, God, Dane like all the time, and I don't know, I
I guess it's a I feel like the relationship. I was also maybe a little bit insecure that played a bunch that played a part two and I may not be ready for a relationship, I realized with him because I think we saw places because he was ready. He wasn't ready for one, he didn't know how to treat a girlfriend. But then we had like all these talks and communications and then now I'm realizing that, hey, I was ready, but now I'm not because you let me
down so much. I feel like it's hard to uh glow and grow in this environment that hurt me, you know, even though at the end it was exactly what I've been asking for. But it's like I had to ask for too much for too long, and for not the bare minimum but just for communication wise, and so I feel like we kind of swapped places in that regard. But yeah, I know, I'm I'm happy for him, and yeah, I'm happy to see like what the world holds me because I've been in the same spot for about since
I met him. I still live with my parents and I'm saving up money, but it's I feel like it's a little hard. But I also am a student and working, and I don't give myself as much credit even though. Yeah, but he's out and he has roommates, and he has like a good set of friends. He sees like every week at least, if not more, But like I see my friends like once a month, but that gives me more time to work on my own goals. And we just have different books and chapters or whatever analogy. We're
just different lives. And I think I was just a little envious because he has the kind of life I want.
What does what and what way does he have the kind of life that you want?
Well, stability, uh friends for like he sees frequently and he has finances in check where I have friends, but we don't see each other often too often as compared to him. But comparison is a piece of joy. But heard that, yeah, and uh yeah, no, I don't really have my finances in check as much like I can't.
Like when we broke up, when we had that little break, he got sad and bought himself a twelve thousand dollars bike and still has money left over for you know, and I can't do that, like even like me spending three dollars is like me guessing if I even as a need, you know, I'm like in the huge saving mode.
So well, yeah, it sounds like you're still, uh, you know, kind of developing your life.
Yes, well his life has already been developed and is developing more and more. Well, I mean I've been trying to.
Yeah, but here's the thing, right, is like if you're gonna trying not to keep uh too deep of tabs on this sky, it's not gonna it's not fun. Easier easier said than done. And uh I yeah, easier said than done. And I mean like I'm I'm I'm pulling this out of my ask because all these like it's kind of it's an obvious thing, right too. You don't want to keep tabs on your X but yeah, yeah,
there's an emotional quote in too. Every every everything that seems obvious is of course obvious, but it's the it's the emotional quote, and of like, oh, it's so enticing, especially now that you could just go on fucking Instagram and be like, oh, look at his life. It's going so well compared to mine. But you just you just really fucking can't afford to spend any time on that. Yeah, yeah, you got ship to do. Yeah yeah, and you also you have a strong timeline to be able to do it too.
Yes, I do. I I feel like I'm having a midlife crisis in a way, and but I do have time. It's just that I want to be there, but I'm working towards it.
What do you want mid life? What's your midlife crisis?
Well, I don't know. I just uh again, comparison is a sece of joy. Just I I just see people. And also I have have older friends too, so I just see where they're at and I'm like, oh, I'm gonna I want to be where you are, you know, just like a cute little house or you know, just stable, cute relationship and stuff. But I mean, uh, I want to go. I don't want to live here in Kansas
for all my life. So I don't know. Uh, I guess I'm just kind of don't know what my next step is after I get my education, well not education, just certification ish education. But I don't know. Uh. Just I feel like I should have had more money saved up by now, and I just wish I was in a more stable place. But I don't know. Life will take me where it needs to go.
So what's your name again, Laura? Laura? Well, thanks for sharing. Laura. Uh, you know, I think, yeah, I agree with that sentiment. I agree with that sentiment. Sounds like you learn a lot from this.
Yeah, yep, I appreciate you calling me. I mean, no, I appreciate you picking up. I've been listening to you for like five years, since like twenty twenty and so it's really nifty to be on this.
So is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?
Love never hurts?
Always say love never hurts, Like, yes, you had another thing, give me a thing?
I know you said one time you don't like Babs, but you gotta try watching this show. Don't bring a computer. I fucked my computer up doing this, but like if you have, like a iPad or something.
When did I say I don't When did I say I don't like Babs?
A while ago? I remember, I remember someone said, oh, the bath, and you're like, I can't really sit there.
I think I like sitting down. I like to sit down in the shower, but I don't know about a bath.
Yes, you gotta try bubbles or maybe some absence faults, depending like if you're a sore, but and maybe a couple of candles. You got to try it life with U, with your like comfort movie or something. It's just just for like twenty five minutes at least, because Okay, it's rejuvenating.
I'll consider I'll consider a bath next time I need to clean myself. Thank you for calling, Laura. You have a good rest of the day. Thank you for calling.
Yeah you too.
Nice good luck dog?
Yeah you too.
That was Laura. Uh. Let's see here. Someone I'm reading the chat and said, I disagree. I think a week is too soon, even if it were verbally agreed upon, I see it as a do what you want, but that doesn't come without consequences. I mean, I yeah, I mean I think so. I think that makes sense, right, is like they had they had the week, but I but also it just like when you maybe I think, yeah, I think it probably could have been communicated better that
a break meant that. I think it like it's it's it's where I wouldn't necessarily call it like some people might disagree or whatever, but it's like, yeah, yeah, it could have been. It could have been, it could have been communicated better. I think that they were like on a on a real ass break where like they couldn't uh you know see where like you know, they were free to see other people, but you know, I mean, isn't the purpose of the break to be like, well,
how do we feel not being from each other? Like what's the result of this? And as painful as it is, the result of the break was I want to go, you know, live my life at this at this music festival. That was the results of the break, which I think it's I think it's different if and yeah, it could have been communicated better for sure, but uh, I mean yeah, And then the person was like, uh, in this chat
was like that doesn't come with that consequences. I mean, yeah, they're right, right, I mean they found the results of the break, and the results of the break went, you know, and led to the demise of the relationship. But the relationship should have been demised anyway, because it's it was, I guess, not fulfilling for the people involved. Anyway. What else is it? What else is the chat saying? Uh? Lets someone said friends are overrated. I don't think that's true.
I think friends are the only thing. I think friends are the only real thing. All right, Hello, what's up?
Oh my god?
Let me let me get off speakerphone for you.
Do your thing?
I know the drill? How are you?
I am?
You know?
How am I? My move fluctuates so deeply? You know what? You know that meme? There's a meme I see on Instagram. Uh that's like it's not a specific meme, but it's a meme genre of the the oscillation between it's all over and we're so back, And I just feel like, I don't know if this is something mental illness? Sometimes, can I say, can I rant for like a second?
Mental illness is crazy? Because it sometimes feels like a very appropriate reaction to consciousness, you know what I mean, it feels it's sometimes it sometimes feels like like, uh,
such a deeply appropriate way to exist. And I think that every human being, by nature of their own existence, has their own like I'm gonna, I'm gonna refer to this as a natural born validity to their experience, even if their experience is like fucking insane, even if their experience is evil like they're like, it has some kind of natural born validity just because they're of the fucking universe,
you know, not val you know what I mean? Like this is maybe to uh whatever, I'm getting off track, but yeah, I've been oscillating between everything between it's all over, we got this, we're done, and hey, we're actually as we're back, you know. And as I get older and I experience that oscillation over and over again, I it's like when in the times where it's all over, I'm like, wait, I've been here before. I know that it's not forever.
But then I fuck, I know that too when uh, things are feel okay, and so I don't know if that's noise. I don't know if that's how everyone feels. I don't know, I like do I don't know if it's the normal. The more I learn about the world, the more I don't know if anything is normal. But the is it normal? Is it more normal to just are you supposed to feel the same way for a week?
Is that? Is that what you're supposed to do? You feel the same the course of a week, because I'll wake up being like, we can't do this, and then I'll at some point, like at three pm, I'll be like, oh my god, I forgot that I'm incredible in life is amazing. Seven pm, I'm hungry, And then ten pm I'm like, all right, we'll try again tomorrow. What are your days?
Like?
What do you do? Who are you?
I mean, I think, okay, I can I have a few points to what everything you just said and you're just yeah. I think in terms of like mental illness being a valid response to just like human existence. Like I'm I'm in academia, right, I finished grad school and now I'm at a university. And for one of my classes, I had to take a class on evolution, right, and so human beings are pretty incredible, Like we've evolved from like microscopic organisms all the way to what we are now.
What I've learned is like as amazing as we are. It's like that one meme. It's like sometimes maybe good, sometimes maybe shit, you know. And so like we've evolved to the point where we survive, it's not supposed to
be like we're optimal. So it's not that we're going to be in this perfect mental state where our minds can sort of just protect ourselves from the world and everything we go through, like depression and anxiety and all these disorders that occur are going to happen just because like that's not going to stop us from surviving, you know,
like it's gonna suck. Just like how if you sprain an ankle or tear a ligament or something, it's like, yeah, now you can't run or walk the way you used to, but like ten thousand years ago, you'd still probably be able to hopple your way and hunter and gather, you know.
So I think like just the way our minds react to the world, especially now in today's age, where we're just constantly taking an information Like forty years ago and probably even like twenty twenty five years ago, you can kind of just shut yourself off from the world and just live in your own space and be your own person now that it's like you said, the fluctuations, right, It's like you can wake up in the morning and be like, oh, today's Today's a great day, you know,
and then by like within an hour or two, you've read something, or you've you've seen something, or you've done something, and now you just feel the complete opposite and you're like, you know, maybe this day's kind of kind of scrapped. I mean, I've had one thing that I kind of grappled with was and I don't know if this is the case for everyone. Is I think we all have these sort of nostalgic views of like childhood right where
you know, things were so easy. You wake up, you go to school, you hang out your friends, you're just kind of happy and just like chill down. And I know, I'm sure some people had very difficult childhoods and very opposite views. The one thing I kind of realized was like, I don't think that our default gear is happy. I think it's just kind of existing, you know, like we
just exist on the day to day. And I think for a long time I was like, oh, I'm not like super happy every day, Like is there something wrong? With me. But I was like, oh, maybe happy is not supposed to be where we're at a default. Maybe that's a point we get to and experience all these other emotions along the way, and then the next day you feel like trash.
Yes, but yeah, and I'm I'm coming to the conclat And I've thought about this since I was like a little boy too. Is that that's not only okay, but it's like good. I'd rather I'd rather have it like that. I'd rather I like if dude, when I'm like a
fuck man. I remember the last time I took MDMA, Like I really, I took like a real dose of m d m A. It was like three years ago or something, and I just remember being like, I want just I just remember like I was just in the on the on the bathroom floor just being like, uh, I'm just gonna take it, you know, I'm just gonna
take all of it. And I'm grateful for all of it, even the horrible things, even the really and it's you can't be grateful for the horrible things when you're in them, when you when you're in those emotions, now, when you're in those emotions, you can't be grateful for them. But what but in a moment when they're when you have a little bit of clarity, I yeah, I can get myself to be like, let me, I just want all of it, every every truly despondent, awful feeling and circumstance
and whatever. I'm grateful to have had it because it's part of uh the world. I'm trying to. I think that's what I how I want to kind of start up, Uh, viewing my emotions is like just I just want to take them all, even the fucking uh painful ones. Uh it sucks. You don't want to, you know, you don't want to, but yeah, I just I'll just take it all, just accepted this except and that's I think that's a
lot of cope too. You don't want to just you know, I think I oscillate between like acceptance and resistance.
Uh.
And that's that's like the yin yang of my life because you want a little bit of resistance, you know what I mean. This is I I've talked about. There's so much on this fucking show and in my life, but I I it's important to talk about. Is like the whole concept of like you're enough, you know we've talked. I've talked about this on here before, and I think there's I think there's a good I think you're enough, is it. I take it with a grain of salt. I take it as a yin yang thing. You know,
there's like the white I don't. I don't. I'm not gonna sit here and pretend like I fully understand the history of the symbol of the yin yang, but I think I got an idea of it, uh, and that I look at be your you know, accepting yourself being yourself. You are enough as a very yin yang thing because you want to accept yourself as you are, but you don't want to. I don't. Sometimes I've eased too much.
I've gotten fucked. I fucked myself because I've got I've gotten too accepting of myself in such a way that where I slip and I'm and I don't want to do anything hard anymore because I've accepted things as they are and it's easy and it's it takes me away from doing anything hard, and I don't like that. But I also don't like being fucking stressed out all the time. And uh, you know, wanting to be like kill myself, so you gotta you use That's why it's a yin yang.
It's not an all at once thing. I don't like when people say to you're enough because I don't like when people say you're enough because it comes with there's a big fucking asterisk above it. Not for everyone, not for everyone. Everyone's wired differently. I mean I I just have these like you know what, I have my own like ambitions and wiring and feelings and whatnot, and so I don't I don't think. I don't think any piece of advice or any popular anything is truly applicable to everyone.
Like I saw, uh, I saw a guy wearing a shirt that said the world is better with you in it, and I was like, dude, fuck you what it like? What go? You know what if you walk by a big pedophile? You know like I hate that, it's all. I don't like anything where it's like we apply this to everything, you know, everything is this is put a put a big ask, put a big asterisk on it. All.
I don't know unless if that guy, unless if that guy is like a truly, unless if the person wearing that shirt is like a truly maybe they are, maybe they maybe the person wearing that shirt is like a truly they have. This is truly radical, radical acceptance ideology of like I truly one hundred percent but with this is not the I think the popular world that we live in, but like this radical ideology, like I truly one hundred percent believe that everyone is valid, everything is valid.
We're all, you know, beautiful and amazing.
I mean there is I know, you're the therapy, get go. But there is a like a theory or law in psychology.
It's called optimal arousal theory. I think it's has another name like You're Yerks Dodson or something, whoever came up with it, which basically says like humans want to seek this like optimal level of arousal because if you're too aroused and not like necessarily sexually but just like mentally aroused, and you're just gonna be really anxious and you're gonna be stressed and you're it's gonna just impact your performance.
Right.
But then if you're not aroused enough, you're gonna just be bored, if you're just gonna sit around and not be motivated to do anything. I think it's this constant balancing act of like trying to find that optimal arousal where you you know, you see it with people when they're doing their job, you see it when they're studying, you see it in sports. There's like the zone where you kind of just lock in and you can focus. And getting to that point difficult, but once you get
to it, it just makes things so much easier. But in terms of like just us all existing, I don't know, I also like kind of grapple with like what would happen if if we just none of us existed? You know, there's global warming, there's war, there's all these things going on, and sometimes like, oh my god, what what is going to happen to us as a as a species? You know, are we are we? Is? It? Is it over? Are we?
Are we gone? But other times I'm kind of just like, you know what, like we weren't here millions of years ago, We probably won't be here in millions of years. So it's just kind of like take I kind of I'm just trying to take each day at a time, you know what I mean. And in terms of like what you were saying earlier, the highs and lows, those are being in the lows as well as the highs and kind of being grateful for what I've learned over the
last few years. And funny enough, I was I was gonna talk to you about it, but you just had someone talk about an X or a relationship, so.
We can we can, you can talk about it.
But I was just in a relationship that was really like, it was very unhealthy. It was very like the highs are very high and the lows were very low. And I think what I've been struggling with was is just the fact that I like, to me, it really meant something,
and to the other person, I don't. I think I was just like a warm body and so like it lasted a year, like a year, year and a half, and I don't know just in I I ended it over a year ago because I was like, I can't do this anymore, because again, it was just highs and lows, There was no stability.
What was the what what was toxic about it?
Oh man, let me try to do this in a concise way, because I don't want to give you a thirty minutes speel. Okay, I would say I would say the most toxic things about it were One toxic thing was was just like apologizing, right, because it's I've been kind of lucky to have really great family, great friends. At some point, you're you're going to get into a fight over something, whether it's big or it's small, silly,
whatever the case may be. And I've been really lucky, like my family, Right, Once every year or two, we'll get into some big fight over something super dumb, and we'll yell and we'll scream, and we'll some curse words. We'll be thrown out, and at the end of it, after like an hour or two, we're like, that was dumb. Why why the hell did we.
Just do that?
And welogize, And like when I apologize, it's like I try to understand what I did, why they pacted that person, and then I apologize, and then I I make sure not to do it again. I think that's what you have to take accountability, because if you just say sorry, it doesn't really mean too much.
Right.
Whereas the girl I was dating, you know, she whenever she apologized she had she didn't have parents who are in a great relationship. Like one thing she used to say, She's like, yeah, I tell my parents to get divorced all the time. I was like well, okay, that's probably not healthy. And she had gotten out of an unhealthy relationship herself. I think it had ended up being like
physical at the end, so she left that relationship. But whenever she you know, said something her full or did something hurtful, she would I would call her out and be like, hey, like you you know, you said this thing or you did this thing, and it impacted me. And especially once it became like a pattern, like once or twice, I'll like one off, I can kind of like go, you have to pick and choose your battles.
But with her, it once it became a pattern, and then I would bring it up to her and just be like, hey, like this happened, and she would she would do like one of three things right like she would she would like deflect to her like past relationship or her parents should be like, yeah, I apologize, But the reason this happened is I have a lot to learn. I have a lot to learn about relationships, or I have a lot to unlearn about relationships from my parents
and things. I'm like, okay, that's fair, But once it happens a few times, I'm like, like, I understand those aspects were not great but like, I'm I'm not a lesson for you. I'm a I'm a human being with feelings, you know. Or she would she would just blame it on something else. She would say something like, oh, yeah, you know the reason I said something mean was I was talking to someone on the phone before we started talking and they upset me, so I was just primed
to get upset at you or something like that. Or she would just blame it on miscommunication, and I was like, I feel like we communicated pretty clearly about that, but it just felt like she would apologize and then kind of walk back the apology and just blame on something else.
So let me ask you this. So, so, when this girl would hurt your feelings to do something like what if what would you have wanted her to do in these apologies and then navigating these mistakes better? What would you what would what would have been felt more acceptable to you? Like?
Literally for me, I mean, it's two things. It's one is a genuine apology, and then the second thing is is you know, taking steps to make sure you don't do it again in the future, because if you will apologize but you don't mean it, you're just saying it. For the sake of saying it. It's not a real apology. And if you if you apologize without action, then it
also doesn't really mean too much. And one strange thing about hers I kind of saw that like how she apologized and how she reacted to things also dependent on like who was around her. So I remember one time, like she and I would this is when we first
start off dating. She and I would make plans to like do something right, and she did this really strange thing where like, let's say you and I were like, oh, like let's hang out at eight o'clock on Thursday, right, So she would hit me up at eight o'clock on Thursday and she'd be like, yeah, I can't really, I can't really do this, sorry, and then just go right.
It's kind of like if you invited someone to a party and they showed up to your your door when the party started and was like, yeah, I can't come to your party, and then just left. It was really it was really bizarre, and so it happened a few times, and I'm like, look, I am, we're making plans. I'm showing up to the plans. You're not showing up to the planes. I feel like my time's kind of being disrespected,
you know. And when that happened, she was like next to her sister right because I text her about it, and her sister kind of called her out, was like, yeah, why are you doing that? That's not cool, And so she like apologized to like, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize I was doing that. She deferred back to the past relationship. My my ex used to do this. She used to disrespect my time, so I don't know why
I'm doing it to you kind of thing. But other times, when I would bring things up that I thought were valid, if she was with her brother, you know, he would try. He was a nice guy. He would like try to see things from my angle. If she was with like, you know, a certain friend. She was the kind of friend who would who would kind of always take her her friend's side. You know, she's not going to see
things unbiased. So anytime I brought something up and she happened to be with that friend, then suddenly everything is like gotten ten times worse. She would kind of just turn everything around on me. You know. It's like if I said, hey, you know, you've been like showing up late to things, or you just haven't been showing up.
Then she say, well, you know, actually the real issue is like you know, you're not setting these things up or with enough time or things like that, and it would just sort of all get twisted around on me. I don't know. It's just a really strange relationship because I start off being friends with her, Like we were friends for six months. We were in school together, and the person she was as a friend, like she was such a funny, kind, intelligent, caring, charismatic, like confident person.
And that's how like if you ask anyone around her or any of her friends or her classmates, that's how they would describe her. But then one I we started dating. It's there's another like psychological theory. It's called like I can't remember the exact name, but basically it's this idea that like you have your front stage self and your backstage self. Front stage is how you appear to the world, and then your backstage is like how you are when
when the show's over. So when we started dating, like her front stage self is this like amazing person, Like she and I would literally laugh for hours. You know. We used to say we could like watch paint dry and have an amazing time. That's all we needed. But once we started dating and I saw like the real like the real her and the more vulnerable aspects of her, it was the opposite of that. Like we couldn't joke around anymore because it was like things would get too sensitive.
We used to like roast each other when we're friends, No more doing any of that. We can't, you can't, we can't make any mistakes, We can't do anything. And she again, the person who she was in front of everyone was was all those things, and the person she was behind the scenes was just a very unhappy, very like I would honestly use the word miserable person, even when things are going very very well in her life.
You know, she was getting the job she wanted, her dream job at her dream company, and and she was living in the city she wanted to live in, and she had all these things going on. And I was struggling a bit, you know, after grad school and trying to get a job and trying to do all these things. But it just felt like a It felt like the person I fell for and the person I dated were two completely different people. And she would also kind of do this thing where like when I when I say something,
I need it. She wanted to live on the East Coast. I wanted to live on the West coast right, But like for me, it was it was always like, oh, like we had gotten close enough to the point and I was at least I was serious enough that we had talked about things like, you know, potentially getting married, you know, family things like that, so like really meant something to me. So she would say things like, oh, yeah, you know, like you know, later down the line, maybe
we can move to the West Coast. I know you want to move to the West Coast and things like that, or just like making these sort of like empty promises that kind of to me it felt like her being like, look at how good of a partner I am. I'm like saying, I do these things for you even though she's not going to do it. Like she got her dream job, like I said, on the East coast, and she got a job interview at a company on the West coast right, which is also a really good company.
And she she called me and she's like, yeah, like I got an interview at this this job on the West coast, And I was like, she's like, should I do the interview, and I was like, wait, why are you, Like, is there a reason you want to take this interview? And she's like, oh, well, you know I could be closer to you, silly, you know, I'm such a huge symp for you. And I knew, like in my mind, I was like, there's no chance in hell she's giving up her dream job for this. I know this for
a fact. She's already accepted the other job, Like it's not even possible for her to take this other job. But she was just kind of saying that, And that's kind of when I noticed that that like pattern of her saying she would do things just like as an empty gesture, whereas like, my dumb ass I would have probably given up my dream job and on the West Coast to be closer to her and to be with her.
And that was just kind of like a pattern throughout her relationship and just like anytime things were happening, just shifting the focus to her. And so I don't know, I don't know if that makes sense. That was a very long answer.
No, that that that makes a lot of sense. That makes a lot of sense. M hmm.
I guess the big issue is, like I ended the relationship there, there was some I think the one thing that like kind of broke me in terms of like whenever she'd say to do her full things, I could kind of let it go because I'm not someone who like holds onto things, whereas she like if I said
or did something her full. You know, the first time, she was upsetting me for like a week, and then the second time she was upset at me for a month, and the third time she was upsett in me for like over a month, and she was like just very cold and distant and attached. And I think the one thing that broke me was I was like applying to jobs and and things were just not going well, and
I was just like really down. But I was trying to support her because she needed a lot of emotional support, you know, like every day she was venting about her school or her upcoming job, or her family or finances or something. So we talk every day, and like I'd say, if we talk for like two hours an hour, that was just her venting, and so I kind of just had to play you know. I I definitely didn't do
as good a job. I kind of played your role like every day for a year or so, and one day I just went to her and I was just like, man, I've just been feeling like really down, Like I don't know if I should go see a therapist or what, because she saw a therapist and she had dealt with depression before, and I was like, I've just never had this feeling. I've just felt so down, and I feel like I've been working so hard at these goals and they're just not coming into fruition and I'll never forget.
She like looked me in the eyes, like with this cold stare, and she's like, I know you're going through a live but I wish you would think about how it impacts me. And I was like, whoa, Okay, so yeah, that kind of broke the camel's back. Yeah, and there's a million other things, but it's just hard because again, all that was so real for me, and like, I feel like I fell in love with the person, like with the masked version of her that she showed to the world, and then once we started dating, I got
the opposite of that. But I was like, oh, I love this person, I care about this person. I want them to do well. So I kind of just stuck around. And so now like My brain is just kind of like trying to detach those two people, because part of me is like, that person's still there, and like, you know, what if you made a mistake, what if you should have stayed, what if you shouldn't have broken up with her? You know, you had such good times. And the other part of me is like, dude, you you got out,
like leave run, never never think about it again. Just you're out.
You know.
Hm, it's that cognitive distance.
Yes, uh, yes, yes, I know, I know what you man. Yeah, this fucking shit's hard. Are you dating anyone new? Now?
I dated someone else, and she was a like, really amazing person. She was such a such a nice girl. We were just two very different people, and I'm glad I got to date her, and I'm glad I met her, which with my other ex I not quite the same feeling. But I just remember feeling like secure in that relationship, whereas with my ex, I felt like I kind of
I was always walking on eggshells. If I say or do something wrong, She's just gonna break up with me, because she would she would say, like, especially towards the beginning, she'd be like, if I said something wrong, she'd be like my last relationship was a lot of work, and I don't want a lot of work, and it was it just like kind of felt.
Like you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, I'm glad. Yeah, I'm glad you're beyond that. Yeah.
Yeah, the new the the last girl I dated, though, Like I remember one time I said something that upset her and she was upset and I apologize and then I was like, oh, like I it felt like a trauma response. You know, like when you're a kid and your parent, you know, if you do something, if you break when you feel like your parent's gonna hit you or something like that. Right, So I've said her and I was like, oh my god, what is she gonna do? And she's like she's like, Zach, like, I'm not gonna
yell at you. I'm not gonna be super upset with you. You you messed up, and you apologize and now just make sure you don't do it again. And I was like, oh my god, this is what like a healthy relation looks, relationship looks like.
I know.
It was just so weird not being scared all the time, you know, And I feel like my brain, part of my brains is still kind of scared of this person and also like just kind of sad and upset that, like a, I was in that relationship for so long, not maybe not that long relative to some people, but like I was in that relationship and I let myself be treated like be treated that way. And on the other hand, it also like really hurts that someone I genuinely like loved and cared about and would have done
anything for treated me that way. So you know, you live, you live, and you learn. And now I've learned. I'm still learning what a healthy relationship looks like and trying to because there I made plenty of mistakes in that relationship as well, and things I wish I could change or take back. But then you just try to become a better, better version of yourself and a better you know, person for your partner or And I know that sounds super cliche, but it's like you can't just like be
the same person your whole life. You know, it's gonna be kind of boring.
Yeah, of course. Hmmm, what is your name again, man Zach? Zach? Thanks for sharing all of this stuff. Uh, yeah, I I you know, it's making me think very deeply. I don't know if I have a lot of feedback on it right now, but it's made me think very deeply, and I'm glad you shared it because I think it'll definitely gives a lot of context and a lot of perspective to people who are listening and thinking about, you know,
their own past relationships or current relationships and whatnot. And it's definitely, I think going to be a relatable thing for people.
Absolutely. I mean, thanks for listening. I think the one thing I'll say to like anyone to the people listening is and I know this is going to sound silly, and I know it's very difficult to do, but if you're in a relationship that you think is not healthy, take a step back and look at it. If you're like friend was in it, if your sibling was in it when their partner was doing the things to them
that your partner is doing to you. And I know it's very hard to be like, these are not healthy, these are not right, But like, the first step is recognizing, and then once you recognize, then you can take steps past. I had to either try to fix a relationship or get out of it and preserve yourself because where at the end of the day, you know we have ourselves and uh we have to be kind to ourselves and kind to each other. So thanks for listening.
Man, is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go, Zach?
Now, maybe just free Palestine shout out my boy. Uh so on premiere, eat your vegetables. Uh, don't take talent all apparently now because now that causes autism. It doesn't. Don't believe them. But thanks for listening.
Hey, take care, Zach, Thank.
You all right.
Hello, Hello, good morning, Good morning to whom am I speaking? This is Angie, Angie Angie. We talked. When did we talk? We talked recently, right.
Which Thursday, I believe.
Yeah.
I was in New York at the time.
Oh beautiful. Okay, So how did the rest of your New York trip go?
It was so good. It was very exhausting, just because like the hours are so long, like being on site from nine to ten am to about midnight, so it's long. But New York can never sleep, so we so like went out. I went into Times Square and that was fun, and my dumb ass was walking around with a white claw and I got a citation.
So you got you got a public drinking citation.
I did sons like, there's no fucking way I never had.
That never happens.
That's so fucking I was like, I've passed by so many people drinking. Why am I the only one getting it? And so I was like, are you serious? And then even my friend next to me was clearly drinking a beer and the cop was like, are you is that beer? My friend takes like ten seconds to anti and said no, and then so the cop goes back to me. I'm like, seriously, and he just continues to write this long ass paragraph on this citation, and then I said, you're taking so long.
So I just finished my white Claw when he's giving me my citation because I sent money on it. How much was it?
How much was the citation for?
It?
Was honestly so dumb because I was like, I'm clearly from Arizona. This is my first time ever in New York, so I you know, like, I can't. I'm not going to come back for whatever. And he said, I just have to scan the barcode and pay like twenty five dollars. I'm like, that's annoying. It was just too Yeah, it
was very annoying. Yeah, and I worked at the whole music event and it was fun and I went just I pretty much stayed up all night on Sunday night, and then I slept for about an hour and I got out at seven thirty to take the subway to Right Central Park And that was really fun.
Did you I know when we talked, you were talking about overcoming like social anxiety. Do you feel like you were able to do that successfully?
I think I put myself out there. Yes, I purposely like went out with people who were new to me, which I wouldn't really be you know normally do we're comfortably do? So, you know, I, mitri put myself out there and went out with people that were new to me, and I got to like meet new people in the industry and introduce myself and talked to them and really just ask questions and hang out and you know, really just getting to know them a bit more and just
doing my best at talking. And then this whole weekend I've and then well it's just been today and I'm like overthinking like did I say the okay things?
What did I do wrong?
What could I have done better? And I'm just like I'm just keep trying myself well it's over, so there's literally nothing I can do about it now. But I believe I did put myself out there a lot more than I thought I would, and I feel like I'm I'm proud of myself and just you know, striking up conversations, keeping conversations going, or asking questions and just like you know, walking around and introducing myself to oops, to new people
and you know, directors and whatnot. So I'm pretty proud of myself for that.
Pretty good, Pretty good.
But I just hope I said words that were made sense and not fucking awkward and dumb.
Because, like I said, last time we talked, even if you did, it didn't it didn't even fun. It doesn't matter matter honestly, even the way we talked on Thursday. I think the day after we talked, I went to some thing and I had some social interaction where I was like, wow, I just said a bunch of really stupid things. That was bad. I walked home. I felt really bad, and then I thought about you. I really I thought about you. Actually is I've forget this is
all coming back to me. Yeah, I thought about you because I was like I just yesterday I told someone that it's fine. And so I'm like, all right, well i'll just take that advice. I'll just you know, I'll just I'll just be crazy.
Who cares, you know, yeah exactly, anyway, be crazy together. So well, overall, a good trip and I'm really proud of myself. And I was like, had so much just nervousness leading up to it and just kind of like being with coworkers for five days and I was like, well, what do we talk about? What do we talk about? Or you know, But honestly, it was super fun and my roommate was fun as well. And the last thing I wanted to do was the Central Park and I did that and I thought that would be scary because
I did that by myself as well. And I walked in a pretty little bit of a sketchy neighborhood, but I waited until the sun came up, so but I was in Long Island City and then Astoria I walked through and just pick the subway to the Central Park and that was really fun. And did not get a citation there, so that's good.
I'm glad that you had a good time. I appreciate the update. This was good And yeah, like I said, that call affected me too, so I'm glad we could have this symbiotic experience with one another. Anything is anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go.
Angie, absolutely not have a beautiful week. I love you all.
Thank you, Angie, thank you for thank you for.
Of course.
That was Angie. That was Angie. And this has been the Therapy Gecko podcast. Thanks for listening. Lots of things to say and think and do in the world. Oh man, this costume smells like shit. I gotta I really gotta wash it at some point, I really gotta wash this suit. It smells really really awful. Anything else? Do I have any other closing thoughts? Nothing that's that important to say. I'm not gonna go on a whole rant about Fresca again. There's a few half empty water bottles on my thing.
Oh yeah, Well, I guess if you're listening to this on Wednesday, I'm gonna put this video on Spotify because I put these videos on Spotify now. But I just made a little mini mini interview documentary Gecko video thing at the Gathering of the Juggalos that's out this morning, so you should go on my YouTube channel YouTube dot com slash lyle forever and check that out. But other than that, I don't have anything else to say. I'm leaving on Saturday to go on a to go record
another video. This will be an interesting one. I'm gonna keep it under wraps where I'm going, but I think it'll I think you'll want to watch this one that I probably won't. That video will be out in like a month, but I think this will be one of one of the more ambitious Gecko videos I have made over my stint doing this, so I'm excited about that. But anyway, thank you guys for listening. Gak bless uh. See you again on Sunday's episode. Appreciate you, folks. Bye bye,