“I’M STRANDED ON A BOAT”

Hello, Hi, how's life?

It's good?

Oh my god, I'm so happy I got through. I wanted to talk so bad.

What's your name?

My name's Claire, Claire.

Yes, what like the store Claire's.

Yes, like the store Claire. I actually love that store growing up.

What's up, Claire? How's life?

How?

How can I be be on the phone with you today?

Well, I would love to talk about what I'm going through right now, and you are streaming and I'm currently kind of instill a whole bunch of stuff. Sorry if I'm a little bit shaky, I'm really excited to talk, but I I So, I'm on a sailing journey right now, my first sailing journey. I'm kind of I've been refitting my boat for like two and a half years, and it was finally good enough to like go in the middle of winter, like like two months ago, and so I decided to just go and do it and figure

Okay, I'm I'm struggling to understand a few things. Where where are physically are you? Right now?

I'm in North Carolina?

Okay, you're in North Carolina? And are you?

Like?

Are you? Where are you?

So?

I was traveling on the Inner Coastal Waterway, which is kind of like it's close to the ocean, but it's like in the coast a little bit, and it goes down pretty much from Norfolk, Virginia all the way to Florida. And that's where I've just been kind of traveling down the Inner Coastal and that's where I grounded. On this particular leg that I'm own right now, there's just no

Yeah, so you are on a boat right now.

Yeah, I'm on my boat.

But you said the boat. The boat doesn't work.

Yeah, my boat the engine my engine cut out and I don't My engine has been broken, and I'm not quite sure what's going on.

It's kind of weird.

So, yeah, I'm stranded. I've been stranded for like a couple of days. And yeah, every I don't have food. Everything's wet. All my tools are wet, my bed is wet. Everything is like molding and rusting.

As we speak.

Okay, so what's your name?

Claire?

Claire? So you are on but do you do you see any land around you?

Yeah, there's land around me, there's I see houses. So in case of emergency, I could like get to land. I have a dingy, which is a small boat, but I only have paddles and there's high winds right now, and I just I can't really paddle very well, and my dingy takes on water. So if the winds died down, I could get to land and go through people's houses and try to get somewhere. But it doesn't really solve the fact that my boat is still here and still broken.

Okay, but you you are not like in immediate danger right now, are you of like being like no, lot, I've been like like like drowning it in the middle of the ocean.

No, I'm not taking on water and I'm not an immediate danger. I threw my anchor out, and there's land just over here. If I have to get to it, I can call somebody to pick me up. It's fifteen hundred dollars, which I don't have, so I could call people. There's also people who drive their boats cross across the inner coastal, so if I need to, I can also flag people down to get a ride into land. So I'm not in like any immediate danger. I'm just kind of trying to figure out how to get myself out

Okay. Uh, why don't you call somebody for help.

Because I have I have a boat tow USA thing, which is like free towing, but because I grounded and took on water, they don't cover free toes anymore, and so help would be at the very minimum fifteen dollars, they told me, and it can go up as much as like ten grand, depending on what I need and where I need to get to.

So so, okay, you are in a boat, how do you charge your phone? And shit?

I have solar panels which charge my batteries and it charges my phone and like puts life to all my boats. So I do have I have like my phone, and I have lights, and I have batteries and stuff and they didn't get too damaged in the water.

I'm trying to I'm just trying to get like a picture of your surroundings right now, Like how far away, Like could you swim to where the land is?

Is it just some land?

Yeah, I guess swim It's not super closed, but like it's there's people's backyards. Maybe I don't know how to gauge distances, but like I can see the stripes on their American flag.

Okay, I'm curious again how you got into this situation. How long have you been at sea for?

I've been traveling down the Inner coastal for two months now, and I like, I'm not like.

I'm not.

Fairly proficient, not super super proficient, but I refit. I bought this sailboat like two and a half years ago and I've done a total refit. So I know, I know a singer two about a singer singer two. But yeah, I guess I got into it because I've been traveling and then I grounded, and when tide went out, that's when the water came in, and that's kind of what started this whole thing.

Hmmm, Well, how has it been traveling for the past two months? Have you been, like, is it been lonely at your You're literally alone at sea. That's like the most uh isolating thing you could do.

Yeah, I've been going. I've actually I've had a really nice time. I was really scared because I bought my boat two and a half years ago, and I bought it thinking I would just go off into the grade unknown, go to the Caribbean or whatever, and I kind of accidentally have put two and a half years of my life into this thing because shit just keeps breaking and I just keep having to fix it. So I was really scared when I started this journey that I would get on the boat after spending two and a half

How old are you?

I'm twenty seven And when you.

Say most people, well, I guess a few questions. How are you exactly meeting these people and what is it about them that makes you say that they're not your vibe.

Well, it's not that they're my vibe. I've actually had, like I've had a lot of really genuine relationships with people who are kind of outside of people I would normally hang out with, because, like I mean, I would normally hang out with like just young creative people, like artsy kids and like like hippie circles and stuff is my normal friend groups. And the people I meet a lot of old dudes, which is like good and bad. Some people are really freaking creepy, especially to like a

Yet building, you know, I think that a very rich life is filled with a lot of those moments where you're in a weird situation meeting a person that you just never would have come across in your daily life.

No, definitely, and this this lifestyle has been really good for that because like it's like I feel like I'm in a constant stage of like kind of vacation mode where I'm just like ready for like any like weird

It's interesting, Uh what So I was wondering, how are you meeting all these people because you're on a boat? Is it like where are you normally docking this thing?

There's like so the inner coastal, there's like there's kind of like hubs. It goes all the way down the coast, you know, from Virginia or maybe even before Virginia, all the way down to Florida, and there's kind of like hubs, like I think Savannah, Georgia is a hub, and like like Saint Augustine is a hub. And there's different cities along this way, and the cities are kind of built around the fact that they're owned the inner coastal. So there's tons of merry time and there's there's lots of

What kind of dog do you have with you?

I have a boykned spaniel. His name is du Radley.

He's super cute, And how do you like, do you have money? How do you like afford food and dog stuff and all that.

Well, I I left right after I got my tax return, so I got like fourteen hundred dollars that I've been living off of, and I'm almost out of money, actually, which is why I can't really call for helpering. I got like three hundred dollars left, so I've kind of been living off my tax return. But it's lasted a while.

Because I have I got food.

I got in food stamps before I left, so I haven't had to pay for food, and I make my own electricity, I get water for free. I'm pretty self reliant apart from a couple of beers when I come into shore and parts and stuff. So it's been all right.

How long had you planned on sailing for.

When I left. I've never really had much of a plan. I've just I like quit my job, and I know that I want to make it to like the Caribbean at some point, and like, honestly, like someday i'd like to go like really really far. But I knew that this is going to be like a learning experience.

I knew that.

I wasn't sure if I'd make it to the Caribbean, or if I would just make it a couple miles away. I wasn't really sure what would happen, so I didn't have much of a plan going into it other than just go south and see what happens. With everything that's happened now, I live in the Outer Banks and I have a lot of like, I have people that I

Mm hmm.

What are you going to do about this engine thing?

I'm not exactly sure because I actually I just kind of got to before you called. I have been I've been working all day on it, and I just got to kind of the end of my own personal knowledge of how things work. So my next steps I'm I'm gonna go on sailing forums. There's a lot of really good information in sailing sailing forums, and I'm gonna look at my manual and I'm gonna see if there's more trouble shooting things that I could do that I haven't yet.

Hmm, what's to deal with? Like your friends and family, are they like concerned about you being out at sea? Do you like? What do you what did you leave behind?

I was living with my parents.

I moved.

I moved from Nashville, where I had a whole bunch of friends and big friend group and stuff. And I moved from Nashville.

I bought this boat.

Kind of I had like a little bit of like a mid twenties crisis sort of thing, or I didn't know what I was doing with my life. So I just bought this boat, and I was like, fuck it, I'll do this for a while. So I've been living with my parents while I've been refitting this boat for two years now, and they generally have a lot of anxiety. And actually I when I first, like when I first learned what sailing was, I was kind of like being

Yeah, you know, that's a tough thing to kind of like, especially if you're like lucky enough to have a good relationship with your parents, like kind of the line between, you know, I want to be around my folks and I don't want to worry them, but you also have to go and live your life.

Yeah, and yeah, and it sucks because it's like this is more so than like they're just really like sweet conservative Christians, like wholesome family, and I feel I feel bad. It's like I got tattoos and it made them like upset, but it was kind of like, fuck, it is my body. I can get tattoos, but this one does make me feel a lot of guilt because it's like it really

Are you staying safe?

Yep?

I mean I'm.

Staying staying safe.

And that's that's why I'm on the inner coastal and not like in the ocean, because I didn't know how to sail like going into this, and so the inner coastal, you're always in sight of land, like sometimes it can be farther than others, but I'm always going to be inside of land at any given moment. So this is kind of like a step towards just getting to where I'm like more comfortable. And these things do happen, unfortunately no matter how hard you try to be safe. But

I'm gonna take some questions from the chat the twitch chat if you if you want to take some questions for from the twitch chat, sure.

Also can I say, well, never mind, no, keep going.

No, no, what were you gonna what were you gonna say? Go ahead? Go ahead.

I was just gonna mention the fact that you mentioned the rattlesnake dude from earlier. I actually know him. He's like a friend of my brothers, and he helped me when I was like lost at sea. He helped find me. It was like I was I was, I was with somebody who I didn't say that I was with, which is why I was thought to be lost. But like my brother knew this guy in a completely different state who knew the guy that I was with, and like

Let's see here. Oh well, somebody asked, do you have any pets on the boat? She says she had a dog.

I have a dog.

He pees on the boat.

Someone said, what is your financial plan moving forward?

My financial plan if this didn't happen, I kept going south. My financial plan was to stop at port cities and see if I could get work at boat yards doing like painting and like or like fiberglass repair, or like just doing like little jobs for like a week and getting a chunk of money and then keep going with

Let's see here, what have you been doing for food since being stranded? Like, have you're not eaten for two days.

I I have a couple like snacks I have like pistachios, and like canned soup. I've eaten those a little bit, but honestly, like I haven't out of prescription, I've been eating adderall to try to solve my problems and get all this stuff done because I've been doing boat repair for two days and like, food is the least of my concerns right now.

Ye yeah, yeah, no, adderall will curb your appetite for sure.

Yeah, I'm good. Also, I picked up after I sink. The first time I went got a pack of cigarettes, which was like my first pack in a year and a half. But I've been like adderall and chainsmoking cigarettes and that has fueled me. I'm good.

Let's see here. Do you ever take the dog for a walk?

Yeah?

Actually I was taking He wasn't peeing on the boat for like the past two months. He wasn't.

Dogs are on sailboat.

Dogs are supposed to pee like on the boat on the top, and bou Radley was not teeing up on top like he was supposed to, and it's been freaking me out. I usually get close enough to land that I can just take my little dinghy onto the beach and I take him for like a really long fetch walk once or twice a day, depending on.

Where I'm at.

So that's how he's been going. And when this first happened, I was freaking out because he was whining and having so much anxiety, and like I knew he had to go potty and I couldn't get to land, and I was freaking out. But then he went on deck and peed for the first time, and I lost my shit. I was so excited. And now he peees on deck and it's like it's it's just such a blessing through this whole thing.

Someone asked if you ever gone fishing on the boat.

Yeah, I have a fishing line that I troll from it. I haven't. I caught something on the line a couple days ago, but I forgot to stop. I forgot to stop my motor when I was reeling it in. My dad said it was probably a trout because they're like soft mouth, but it pulled off my line. I was so pissed. But I really I haven't caught a fish yet, but I try and I really want to.

So you're keeping in touch with your parents on the phone while you're doing all this ship.

Yeah, I've been calling them like constantly.

Okay, good, good, good good. Let's let's see here. Well, Claire, this will certainly being a fascinating phone call. Are you gonna be okay? I feel like I'm leaving you stranded on a boat. I mean, I can't really do anything to help you. I guess con veil the boat with me. Where's the boats in North Carolina?

North Carolina? I catch a fly.

Where you live?

Uh, I'm I'm around, I'm in, I'm in. Uh, I'm in places.

Yeah, No, you're You're good. I I have figured out. I have been confronted by many a proper in my past two and a half years of refitting my boat, and this one's different because I am fairly stranded and isolated. But in two and a half years, I've been the only person to solve my problems, and I have solved every problem. And I have full confidence that whatever is going on, I will solve this problem and get out of it. And if for some reason I can't, I'm

Can I ask you one more question? Yeah, why do you say on like that?

Because my mom's from My mom's from Alabama, but like we were raised in Virginia, so I have like a I kind of have like a like Virginian or like people tell me I saw like Valley Girl or something, but I have I don't have this Southern accent, but my mom has a Southern accent, so I've picked up like suits certain words of Southern accent. But I don't say everything like that. I don't know why you like I own something.

Yeah yeah, okay, Well stay stay safe, don't don't do any crazy stuff. Thanks for sharing your story. Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?

Is there a way I've been documenting my like journey on like Instagram and TikTok? Can I can I share my platform?

Is that? Alright?

Yeah?

Sure?

Where?

What's uh? What's up?

It's okay, thank you, It's Salt Water Fairy, but it's spelled like f A E R I E, like in like a fairy tell fairy sort of way.

Oh okay, salt water fay re f.

A yeah, r I E. Yeah, just saltwater fairy, but like spelled a little bit different.

But no, no, that's great.

But I've just been like trying to document shit.

No under periods or sixty nine's or x'es or anything.

No, pretty straightforward.

Rock and roll. Claire the saltwater Fairy. Yeah, it's me cool man. Well, thanks for calling and Sharon and good. I hope you don't die at sea.

I hope so to.

Thank you so much for talking. This was awesome. I'm so glad I got in touch.

Have a good day you too, You too, Claire. Bye, bye, okay bye. Should I be concerned? I feel like that was that was I can't tell if she's fine or if that was concerning. I mean, I guess I don't know what I can do. I can't. I'm not the guy to call. I'm not I'm one of the worst people on the planet to call. If you're in a sailboat and your engine doesn't work, I'm I'm towards the bottom of the list of calls to make in that situation. So I hope she finds someone to help to get

Hi, Hello, what's up?

Not a whole lot. I'm a gecko and I'm talking to people on the phone, and I saw that you wanted to talk on the phone, so I figured maybe we could talk on the phone.

Yeah. Something that I was thinking about because I'm here at work is the fact that I used to have crippling agoraphobia and now I have a job and kind of have a house and I have pets and life isn't as shitty.

That's great. I love stories of life not being as shitty. Those are my favorites.

Yeah.

Yeah, So how does how does one kind of have a house? What does that look like? Well?

I live in a trailer and it's my boyfriend's mom's trailer, and she lived there with a really shitty dude and then she broke up with him, and then she's like, I want to get out of here. I don't want to live in this place anymore. Give it to my boyfriend. And then a couple of years later, I met my boyfriend and I just kind of moved in one day.

Okay, pretty cool. Do you do you do you pay rent? Do you and your boyfriend like, uh, kind of split it? Or is he just let you crash?

So we don't pay rent, but we pay a lot rent. So like since his mom owns the house, we don't have to pay off the house. But trailer parks are a scam. So as long as you have a house in the trailer park, then you have to pay for the land it's on even if you own the house. So we pay for the renting of the land.

Basically that makes sense. I will it isn't that kind of what you're always doing. I guess when you have like a house or some shit, what's a can I ask you what what's the cost for land with a trailer? Like, what's what's the payment.

In Metro Detroit, Michigan. It's like seven hundred dollars a month, which, yeah, it's not terrible. It's like a unit apartment if you think about it, and it has three bedrooms and two baths, and but the thing is what sucks is is if something happens, then we kind of have to take care of it because you know, it's not like we have a landlord. So our roof was like, yeah, hold on you.

Your your trailer is three bedrooms? Yeah, how big is this? It's a.

It's a double wide whatever that means.

What does that mean? A double?

Like?

So there, so there are three How big are these bedrooms?

Well, our bedroom is probably the size of like a small unit apartment. It's pretty big, and it has like a bathroom attached to it with like a bathtub that has jets in it in a shower, and then the other two bedrooms are just like normal size bedrooms. I can't really think of dimensions, but yeah, I mean it's not bad at all.

Sounds that sounds fucking sick. I can't even I'm literally trying to like picture what this looks like. And this is something you can like like does it move, Like, can you drive it?

No, it's it's called a mobile home because they put them on the back of the trailers and then take it and put it somewhere. So it's like a manufactured home that can be moved. So if we wanted to move, like if we bought a plot of land, we could pick up the house and move it there. But we can't just like drive off of the property, if that makes any sense.

And what do you do with the other two bedrooms?

One of them is what we call the gamer room, so we have like a projector in there that we watch movies and I'll play like Stardoo Valley on. And then the other room I keep my two pet rats in there, so they have their own bedroom.

Bro, you have a room for your rats. Yes, what's the rat room look like? Do they have like rat furniture and a rat bed?

No, I would love to do that, though. I did build them like a little castle out of cardboard boxes, but it doesn't look like a castle. It just kind of looks like cardboard boxes. And they have a four leveled cage in the corner the room, and I made them like a little ball pit using pom poms, and I put treats in them, and they like go on the ball pit and I look for treats. They like to shit everywhere and like crawl on the floor and then they go back in their little cage and like eat stuff.

Dude, this trailer sounds sick. Do you guys have like a kitchen and living room and everything? Yeah?

Kitchen yep, has a gas stove which is pretty nice in a pretty decently sized living room. There's a lot of windows, which is nice because I have a lot of plants because my job involves plants, so I'm always taking plants home so they don't die because of the windows. So that's pretty cool, dude, Hell.

Yeah, what so? Okay, so you used to be a gore phoback and where where were you living before you went into this trailer.

I was living with my mom and I lived there until I was twenty one. I tried to go to college, but I dropped out because I had a panic attack and I was like, I can't do this anymore, went back to my mom's house, never left my bedroom. Really, I didn't really like to interact with people or anything like that. So it wasn't until I turned twenty one that I actually got a job and was like I can do it because all of the other jobs I had,

How did you become unfucked? Like, what do you think it was that got you to a place where you weren't having panic attacks? Anymore.

I had a really nice therapist, God bless her soul. She was great. And then my boyfriend. I started going to his house all the time because like aguoraphobia, it's not exactly like you're afraid to leave your house for everybody. For me, it was I don't want to do anything outside of my bedroom. I don't have to because the idea of having a panic attack in public is like debilitating.

Pretty good? Pretty good? What did you What did your therapists tell you that like help you out.

She's had a lot of shit, but the one that, like, the one thing that stuck with me the most is feel the fear and do it anyways, because you know, you can't really do anything in life if you're afraid to do anything in life. So if anything was like really scary, I was like, Okay, well I'm going to have to do it anyways at some point, so might as well.

How old do you know?

I'm twenty four?

And what now that you've like conquered some fears in your life already, what what fears do you have next that you want to conquer?

Well?

One that I conquered recently was the last job I had. The company got like repoded by the bank. So we were told the month in advance, which is like a good amount of time but still a month in advance, that we wouldn't have our jobs anymore. And I was like, that was the first real job that I got by myself. So I was like terrified that I wouldn't be able to find another job with people that I like and

Pretty good? And how's your relationship with your boyfriend going?

Can you say that again? I'm sorry?

Oh, how's your relationship with your boyfriend going?

Good? We met when I was nineteen, so we've been together for five years. We've had a lot of problems in the road. He struggled with addiction and now he's working on it and our relationship couldn't be any stronger. I think he meant proposed to me this year too, which is pretty cool.

Oh and his like addiction problems better, Yes, very much.

So he struggled a lot with porn addiction, which is really common but not really talked about. And yeah, I don't really necessarily know like what's so different for him, honestly, but he's been doing a lot better.

That's so funny because when you said addiction, I thought it was like pills or something like that.

Yeah, yeah, that's that's definitely the first thought. Yeah, it was porn, and I struggled with addiction too, but it was you know, it was like xanax and stuff. So yeah, not exactly the first thought that comes to people's mind.

Porn addiction is definitely funnier than pill addiction.

Yeah, Now that like I look back on it, I'm like, I definitely was like screaming and crying for nothing because I don't know, it's just like when you look back on stuff, it just doesn't hit the same as it did. But when I first found out about everything, I felt like the world was gonna end and that I was gonna die.

Well, I'm curious when you I mean, I guess this is your boyfriend's stuff, so but fucking like, like, what is porn addiction? Right? Like? What how much porn until we're addicted?

For him, it was okay. Well, the way I found out is one night we were laying in bed and I always show him like funny Instagram videos that I would say throughout the day, and he would show me his YouTube reel and he was showing me some of his YouTube reels and then he got a notification saying like your only Fans subscription has ended, and I was like, hey,

So this wasn't this isn't just like watching porn hub for five hours a day. It was like, uh, spend a lot of money and shit and like, I mean the tender bumble thing is interesting, and then and then like how did you kind of get get past that? I guess that's a lot to get past.

I definitely still struggle with the idea of everything that happened. But the way that I get through it now is I have a really awesome therapist and we did some couples therapy and stuff like that, and my therapist would invite him in on the sessions that we would have together. And I did a work book two for like people that had gone through sexual like devanc or like sexual you know, like I can't think of the word right now, but doing work books and working with my therapist has

What was involved in these like work books, I'm very curious.

So they were things like there was pages with activities that would say things like what are things that you think of when you think of porn addiction? And then you would fill it out like little bullet points and then be a little paragraph that you'd read kind of explaining the brain chemistry of porn addiction and stuff like that. And then another one is like what would you like

You know, interesting, do you guys still go to the couple's therapists.

No, she ended up not being a very good match. And then when he decided that he didn't want to see her anymore, also because she didn't take our insurance, which is kind of fucked up. But he started doing like online group therapies. There's like a lot of online groups that you can meet with every week to do like insurance free like group meetings for I think it's

Yeah, so he's in. So he's starting therapy.

Yeah, he's gonna start one on one again with a different therapist.

Cool, and are you are you still seeing the lady who was good.

Yes, I'm still seeing her. She's actually she owns her practice that she does, and she just hired this new dude and I was like, hey, my boyfriend needs a therapist. You have any recommendations, and she's like, well, I just interviewed this dude, and I think it would be a perfect match. So we're gonna be going through the same practice, which is nice because I trust her in her opinions.

So yeah, interesting. What's your name again?

My name has never been said?

Oh shit, what I mean? You don't have to give me your real name. You can give me just something to call you.

Crocodile.

Crocodile. Oh I like that. Well, how'd you come up with crocodile?

I don't know. I was looking at a sticker of a skull, and skulls made me think of crocodile's eating animals.

Well, let's see here, crocodile. Thanks for sharing your story, do you? Yeah, I'm trying to think, do you? Is there any other kind of aspect of this that you like, or just about life in general that you want to get into or talk about, Not.

That I can think of. I've just been having like somewhat of a tough time with accepting the mundaneness of life. So I've been listening to the podcast a lot, just trying to get other people's perspective on how they deal with the mundaneness of life. And I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing there.

Yeah. Yeah, the mundaneness of life, like your routine and how to get out.

Of it, yeah, or just getting so used to routine that everything just kind of seems blair, especially with having a new job. Like I used to have three days off and now I only have two days off, so my weekends, I'm just kind of like, oh, well, tomorrow is going to be my last day off, so like what does it really matter? You know, it's very negative, yeah all around.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, dealing with the mundaneess of life. I don't know. I don't fucking know, man, I don't know. Man. So you said, I mean, okay, let me ask you this. You said you've been listening to the podcast to get other people's like kind of perspectives on this. Have you Is there anything you picked up where you're like, oh, okay, maybe that could be something.

I know this like might sound terrible, but hearing other people's situations being worse than mine kind of makes me think that like, hey, at least you have a job and you have people around you that care.

You know. Yeah, no, there's nothing. There's a word for that. It's called shaden freua I think. Okay, yeah, no, that's I've actually had. You know what's funny is a lot of people tell me they're like a lot of people have told me I like listening to your podcast because it makes me feel better about my own life. Yeah, exactly, which is kind of funny. Yeah, yeah, I used to Actually, this is kind of all right, I'm gonna say it's kind of sad, but whatever. I used to browse like

I mean, if you think about it, that's what like group therapy is, you have this therapy for like people that go through specific things so that you can relate with them with how terrible your situation is. You know, it's.

Funny the idea of like there being like a loser of group therapy, like somebody who's bottom ranked, like they're they're just there to give their horrible, horrible experience so that everyone else in the group feels good. Atter, somebody in group therapy always has to be the one to take the take it for the team and be like here's how off. Like it becomes like a dick measuring contest, except you're trying to see whose dick is the smallest.

I mean, yeah, yeah, I did group therapy when I was a gooraphobic because it was a way to get out of the house and I could like talk to people about how miserable my life was. And there was one girl that every single week she just kind of be like, yeah, that like really sucks, but like this is what happened to me this week, and like had to outdo everyone on how terrible her life was, so she took on that role with a great passion. I'd say, you.

Know, it's funny, Well, I guess two things. It's funny because like normally like you would think that's like insensitive, like when you share something and someone goes, oh, well, my thing is worse, but actually it's it's kind of nice, you know, it's like, oh shit, your thing actually is worse. Okay, I feel better now?

Yeah, no, I agree.

And I don't know if it look if she if she feels pride and that I guess that that.

Works more power to her, I.

Guess more powered sr. But I don't know. I don't know. Man.

I wonder if anybody in that group heard me talk about my stuff and thought that about me. Now that I think about it, that's.

That's an interesting That is an interesting thing. Like how like in group therapy, like do you ever talk and you're like, oh, people are like at least I'm not that person, you know.

Yeah, I definitely feel like there must have been one person in there that looked at me and was like, oh, she's kind of fucked up.

He think he's the thing. The answer that is the answer is probably like no matter here's like, no matter who you are your life, no matter who you are, there's a there's infinite people. I mean not literally infinite, but no matter who you are, there's so many people who you could take and go, oh, my life is

And then yeah, But.

Conversely, whoever you are, there's tons of people who would look at your life and be like, oh my god, could you imagine living having a three bedroom apartment and rats and a job and arms and legs and being twenty four and you know everywhere they's told me so many people, you know, So it's it I got every day is like do you want to be the person going oh I could never be that, or the and being like, oh my god, imagine being mad. That would

H Yeah, I think that's what I've been thinking about a lot. Like I listened to one of the podcast episodes today about this girl named Angie, and she did she had like an ice cream truck and she's like so petty and optimistic. Yeah, And I was like, I wish I could do that, Like I could take it until I make it, but I can't right right, But I can try to be content with what I have and how I am right now, which is what I'm trying to do, which is hard, but I'm trying, you know.

No, I loved that. I loved talking to that lady. For those of you who remember that lady, she drove an ice cream truck and was talking about how much she loved driving the ice cream truck. There are a lot, undeniably, there are so many people who would be like driving an ice cream truck sounds like it would suck, you know, Yeah, And then you have her who's like, oh, driving an ice cream truck is fucking sweet and awesome.

Yeah, And I'm hyped to do it every day, and I'm hyped.

To do it every day. And in a way, I actually I look at her life and it's and I look less about her her external life, and more about her brain. And I'm like, Oh, even if I don't wish I had that life, I wish I had that brain because if I had that brain, I could have any life and I'd be fine because I'd have something in the wiring of my brain would be able to just enjoy whatever is going on with me. I suppose.

That's definitely a deep way to think about it, because I look at myself and it's like, I dread the idea of going to bed because I know that I'm gonna have to get up and go to my nine to five. But the idea of going to bed because you're like, I can't wait to get to bed because I'm excited to deliver ice cream to small children with their sticky hands just seems like that's a good brain to have.

Crocodile. Yeah, I enjoyed talking to you, Crocodile. I hope this was. Uh, this was I hope you enjoyed having this conversation.

I definitely needed this. I called in before when I was unmedicated and the call lasted like five minutes. I was really upset with myself. So it's nice to have some redemption for that.

Oh did we did? What? What was your previous call?

My name was slug. You gave me a T shirt in Detroit?

Oh I remember you? Yeah, yes, yes, I remember which Detroit show were you at.

It was at the Harpo Theater. I saw some dude peeing in the street while I was waiting in line to get in. That was cool.

Yeah, the Harpo Theater. That one was. That was interesting. Wait a minute, did you know it? Go ahead?

I was just going to say. When my boyfriend and I were leaving, we saw you like hitting your vape outside, and we mentioned that moment a lot, just because we resonated with how you looked like you were feeling. You're just kind of like standing there like today was long and I felt that very hard.

I'm I'm sure I looked like like a guy with like his Mickey mouse head off smoking a cigarette in the.

Exactly that's the energy we were getting, and we felt that very hard. We quote that a lot.

That's very funny. Yeah, did I look? Was I alone? Yes?

You were alone. You were like looking at your phone and hitting your vape just like with the door cracked open. There's like flashing lights to the side of you and you're just kind of like looking down.

Interesting, what a crazy life? Yeah, well wait, it'slug. Did you like DM me or something being like my call sucked and I'm sorry.

I made a post to Reddit being like I funk. Yeah, and then you ended up messaging me, which was very nice. I appreciate it.

Yes, okay, I fully remember you. I fully remember you. Okay, hell yeah, yeah, hellya. Wall right. I'm glad we got to talk. I'm glad you're doing better. And is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go.

If your life feels shitty and you're sad, just think about how it could be shittier, and that it's not shittier.

You know what that is that remains for eternity, a full proof method. Yep, take care slot, I mean crocodile or whichever one. O.

Bye, okay bye.

I don't know why, but I'm I'm like, now I'm thinking about, yes, standing outside of standing outside of Harpo's Concert Hall after my Detroit show, just wearing green paint and smoking a vape and just being like, oh man, I am a gecko. There's something romantic. I'm I'm I don't remember that moment. I'm sure that happens. I'm just happened multiple times. But I'm thinking about that, and it feels actually romantic to know I got to I got to be in that at some point in my life.

From Benadryl adic.

Hello.

Hi, Sorry, I was expecting to get through.

Hi. What's your name?

Let's call me Fern.

Fern. What's up for? Have we spoken before? If I've talked to a Fern?

No, we haven't.

I've been trying to call in for like a couple of weeks, but I haven't gotten through until now.

Fern. What's going on? How's uh? How's life?

I'm doing actually super super well right now, but.

I spent the past.

Four years being like really deeply addicted to taking benadryl, and I have a lot of funny stories from that. Even though it was not a good time, it definitely led to some interesting experiences.

Sure, is there one in particular that you want to talk about?

Yeah, well, okay, So I have to preface this by saying that this all started because I was I have a personality disorder, and this was kind of my way with of like coping with everything that I was dealing with. So uh, at one point, like this was happening maybe twice a week, three times a week that I would take, like I mean enough that a drill that you probably like some people, if they weighed less than me, probably

And so then when.

I like took all of this penet drill and I was like really really out of it, and the like, there's like a bunch of emergencies services that showed up at my house to help me out afterwards, because this, like I said, this related to my mental health issues, and the like fire men were like trying to get information out of me, and all I kept saying was that I needed to find the master source and I needed to like get back to work like on like the side quest that I was working on. And yeah,

So this is four years of taking.

Benadru and shit, yeah it was not good. But I have to say, like I'm almost one year sober now.

So I'm curious, what was it that was making you want to take so much BENDRL? Just life?

Yeah, just life.

I mean I have underline personality disorder, so like.

A lot of that.

It just kind of comes with the territory. You know, you do a lot of like stupid shit to like cope with the intensity of what you're going through. So I kind of liked that it like shut off my brain and it like made me not have to like deal with what was going on. But of course ultimately in the end it made it worse.

So what was it that inspired you and helped you to get sober?

Well?

I honestly straight up, I like hit rock bottom in my life. Like I was mainly overdosing on benadryl, but I was overdosing on other things, like as a form

Tell me more about like the things that you've You've come to realize that life has to offer that make you not want to uh not want to overdose on benadryl.

Bless you.

I mean like literally literally everything, Like you know, I I went through like years and years and years of therapy to get to get to this point too. And I think that another big realization was that, like you know, like suffering in life is a choice. Pain is inevitable, but you only suffer if you don't like choose to accept the fact that you will feel pain. And so just accepting that even, like you know, like accepting the fact that I'm grateful that I get to feel anxious

Yeah, I've I've I've had those feelings before where you know, when I'm in, when I'm in like the throes of uh, like true gratefulness. I feel everything you've beat you almost you start to become like grateful for your pain too,

You know.

Pain is kind of as you're saying, like it's part of life. But when you get into your right kind of headspace, you're like grateful for you're the sum total of all your life's experiences, you know, because they're yours, you know, and you don't, Yeah, you're not sitting here like, oh, it'd be great to be Pete Davidson, so I could have sex with Kim Kardashian and have you know, eighty

Absolutely I totally agree. I mean, like just you know, being able to appreciate the breadth of human experience that is available to you, even if it's painful and it's not fun at times, like you know, because you know, if we were happy all the time, you know, you wouldn't you wouldn't appreciate the happiness that you have. Having that balance in your life is really what I think

Yeah, by the way, there's probably someone listening to this who's really annoyed at all this like hippie shit, And I get why, and I understand. And I'm not saying that like suffering and pain is good. I'm not saying anything. I'm only talking about my own personal experience. I'm not talking about like if you're if you're listening to this and you're offended because you don't lie, I'm not. I'm only talking I don't know your life. I'm only I'm

Trying to say, no, I understand, but you know what, it's funny that you mentioned that because I really think that having had so many like crazy experiences in the psychord and like crazy like you know, moments of like like literally like going insane, like you know, I was one of those people who had to be like handcuffed by the police and involuntarily brought to the hospital at.

One point, and having gone.

Through that, I feel so much more empathy and understanding for other people who are like going through it. You know, I think that I would be a lot more judgmental of like homeless people are people who have like drug addictions or anything like that, you know, if if I hadn't had that same experience of being there, because I really think, you know, if I had less support in my life, I could have been, you know, one of

Mm hmm, What did you say your name was against Fern Fern. Yes, okay, So how are you doing now that you're not addicted to benadryl? What's your life look like?

So much better?

But I do have to say, you know, I know a few years ago there were people who there's like this whole benadryll challenge on TikTok. Do you remember that?

No, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Go ahead, I can't be the only person that knows about this. There was like a like challenge of like people intentionally overroosing on benadryl on TikTok. Like this is a few years ago now, this is not super recent, but I just have to say that, like, you know, if you if you were one of the people at the time that engaged in something like that, then you know you're probably experiencing what I'm experiencing now, which is that your memory is like totally fucked, like really fucked,

And then only just now.

That I've stopped, it's like, you know, actually starting to like I'm starting to see improvement, that's starting to get better, and it also like it messed up a lot of things in my body in general. I mean, like my mental health is a lot better now, and you know, I'm I'm that definitely is also helped by not not overdosing on benadrol all the time. But like even stuff like my like my like muscles were like messed up and stuff like that, and it's it's taken time for that sort of thing to heal.

So and I don't think I really.

Appreciated the like physical toll that it was gonna take on me, and also the traumas in my family as well. But you know now that as time increases between like the the you know, my last time overdosing and now it I just see you know, progressive improvement and I'm actually able to like live my life now, because that's really what it felt like. I mean, I felt like my life was like ruined, like it was ruining my life, and now I'm actually able to like, you know, do

Of what I was going through.

So only just now am I able to like actually start experiencing like relationships and stuff.

Like that too.

How is that going?

It's going. I like, I'm I'm fie so like before now, I'd only ever had relationships with like women or non binary people, and men are kind of interesting, especially men that are my age.

I'm gonna I'm gonna, by the way, I'm gonna say this, for all the hippie ship we just talked about about like being grateful for like everything or whatever. I've never been on Tinder and been like, oh, I'm so grateful I'm alive so I can be on Tinder. I think I exclude that from the hippie conversation we just had.

I think that maybe the first time I went on Tender, I was like, wow, I'm grateful that I get to experience this, But then I had like some some kind of homophobic things said to me from somebody, and now I'm like, Okay, you know, it's just kind of like it's just what I've got to do, you know, to like meet people. Unfortunately, but I mean it's it's going well. I mean, I may not be grateful for Tinder, but I'm grateful that I get to experience romantic relationships.

Yeah, totally, by the way, I'm I'm mainly just bullshitting my act, like like deep down my thoughts about like dating apps, so that they're good. You know, they they open well, they're they're I mean not that they're like blanket good. They're they're a double edged sword because you know, on like the negative end, they you know, make people feel the pressed and compare themselves to other people, and

Yeah, I mean, you know, my sister met her fiance on Tinder, so like, I know that it can work out for for people, but you know, it's kind of a flog together, especially in my area, like being a like member of the LGBTQ community and living somewhere that's like kind of conservative. It's you know, I'm always like a little bit hesitant meeting people, especially meeting like straight white men my age, you know, about whether or not they're going to be weird or not.

So how old are you?

I'm twenty two.

Okay, damn, so you were So you started doing the Benagol thing when you were like eighteen.

Yeah, So what happened was that I had like mental health issues in high school and then but I was living with my family at that point, right, so like I wasn't acting out, But then I moved to go to I'm Canadian, so I moved to go to university in twenty twenty. After I graduated, and then living in like a dorm for the first time by myself, I didn't have other people around me that I felt sad about, like,

Is benedrux illegal in France?

Well yes, but they have another drugs in the same class. See this is I was so I was so fucking methodical about all of this, you don't even understand. I like, before I went to France, I was like googling, like what like drugs that they have at the pharmacy there that is analogous to benadrl that I could like keep

Wow, and how did that get How did that get? You kicked out?

So it was because I was on an exchange, like I said, so my like Canadian University had agreement through a third party with the university in France, and uh, part of the contract that I signed was that if you're like a danger to yourself or to other people, you can't stay on the exchange. And so I but when I went on the exchange, I thought that I had disclosed that I had this problem, but they were

But like.

When they admitted me, they took away my phone and so my phone was turned off for like a couple of days and I couldn't contact anybody, and my mom can't get a hold of me. None of the exchange people could get a hold of me, No one at my university.

Could get a hold of me.

So they actually declared me missing to the like French police, and then it took like a bit until after I was able to get my phone back and I could call them, and I was like.

Like I'm alive.

And then but because you know, they reported me missing, then my exchange company was alerted to what was going on, and it was kind of a thread that like unraveled everything, and the French psychiatrist said, you have to go home. Actually they wanted to have They wanted to like sedate me and restrain me and put me on a plane with a nurse to find me back to Canada, like I mean like like like straight jacket style almost. But my mom intervened and she said that she would come

Your mom had to come to France to get you.

Yeah.

Yeah, my mom and my aunt flew to France to get me out of the psych ward, and then we went through Belgium and then we flew out of Belgium to get back to Canada.

WHOA, yeah, are you? Are you like French Canadian speak French?

I do speak French.

I'm not French Canadian though, but I went to French immersion, so I'm like, I'm like proficient, I'm like conversational in French, which definitely helped when I was in France, especially in the hospital, because they don't speak English at all.

So yeah, that would be that would be kind of that sounds psychedelic as fuck, being in like the psych ward of a country whose language you don't speak.

Yeah, I'm really glad that I at least mostly understood them. I mean, there was like some things that I, like, I understand French better than I can actually speak it, so I could understand what they were saying to me a lot of the time, but I struggled to answer and it was tough because you know, also in France and the psych word, they have a very much like a the doctor is right sort of attitude, right, so like like you don't argue with them. I tried to

So, Fern, I guess before we go, what's next for you? See you've graduated school, I assume what's the future of Fern look like?

Well, I'm actually going into my last master right now, cool of university.

But I want to.

I'm a public relations major, believe it or not, and I want to see if I can potentially work as like an intern at the legislature here in my province. And if not, then I want to go back and see my family and live live on the West Coast for a bit with them and try and get a job and just like live a normal ass life and not have this chaos around me anymore. Actually, long term, I hope to move back to France at some point.

But that's that's a a whole thing that I'll have to work on.

That would be pretty sweet, That would be pretty sweet. Yeah, what would you do in France? Just hang out?

Well, I want to get my master's degree, So in France. Basically the standard of education is you have to get your masters, like under like just your bachelor's is not enough to get a good job. So I want to go back and I can get my masters. And because Canada has an agreement with France, I can apply for citizenship after like two years or something, so then I

You know, Verne, I'm glad you didn't overdose on benadryla and die.

I'm very glad that I didn't either. I mean, it's it's not a fun way to die. Like, I really don't recommend it. Not that anyone here is considering that, but I recommend against it. It's not enjoyable.

This has been an interesting three conversations to have. I feel like, did everyone in this did everyone I talked to on this podcast almost die today. It was I talked to the boat Yeah, the boat girl. I talked to the trailer living lady with the rats. She was cool. She didn't just die. I don't think.

I'm I'm real worried about boat girl, though. I hope she calls the Coastguard.

I'm also worried about boat girl. I hope she I don't know why she. I mean, I'm glad we got to talk. It was a great conversation, but I don't know why she called. Well, she she seems pretty confident that she'll figure it out, and I actually I hope she does. I hope I'm not getting called. I hope I don't get like a phone call or something where they're like, hey, you have the last transcription of her. I don't even know why I'm putting that out in

Really, if you can all at all possibly do it, avoid getting involved in like any sort of addiction, like you know, drinking or smoking weed or like you know, in my case, self harm.

Like it's such a.

Deep, deep, deep, deep deep hole that you get yourself into and it takes years and years and years and years and a lot of pain and hard work to dig yourself out of it. It's just never worth it. It's not worth it. And if you're really struggling, you should, you know, if it's all possible, reach out to people around you so that you don't feel like you have to resort to that because it just makes things worse.

Fern, thanks for calling, and good luck with the rest of your life.

Yeah, thanks for having me.

It's been great chatting great talking to you too, and I'll see you around the universe.

Yeah, I have a good one. But bye.

That was great. What a great appisode. That was a really fun episode. That was great. I loved I loved to today's episode. That was really fun, lots of juicy stories. I feel I'm very grateful in this moment. It's as I'm recording this, it's April twenty second, twenty twenty five. This summer will be five years of the of the therapy Get Go, and we're still getting interesting stories and having great phone calls and learning things and soaking up