Hello, Hello, Hi.
What's your name? Oh my god, yeah, I need it.
I'm Lily Hire.
Hey, Lily. What's up. How I'm Liles.
Nice to meet you. Oh my gosh. Yeah. How's Are you excited for Christmas? Holiday?
No? I no, I'm I'm not. I I'm not excited about them at all. I I viewed most holidays as interruptions to my life actually at this point, Yeah, yeah, I don't give it. Like New Year's I don't care. Christmas, I don't care. You know, I don't have I think it's for a few reasons. I mean, I don't have a real job, so I still I still, uh, I still have to work. I guess, yeah, I don't. I don't have like a kid, so I'm not doing that.
Do you do you celebrate the passage of time? No?
I try not to think about the passage of time, or I mean, I think about the passage of time a lot. I just don't. There's no reason for me to care about any of those holidays. I like the way that Christmas looks, and I like the way that Halloween looks, but I just I view them as interruptions, you know. I like, I like normal days and the holidays that kind of fuck them up. I know that sounds insane. I know I sound like a crazy person, but that's no, No.
I don't think that's crazy at all. I think it's just you know, I think everyone has their like like opinion on it for sure, but I don't know for me. I'm just like I'm driving home right now, and like family stuff is weird, and I think it's weird for everyone. But as I get older, it's like, okay, I always just like I go home to family, and then I'm a year older and I'm like, oh cool, I care a little bit less about their opinion, and so it's like a nice little murker of like growth or lack
of growth. And then I don't know, it's like a check in by the lights are pretty too, So I feel it.
Why Why is family weird?
So I am from like a very small town and like so I am twenty eighth and like there's just some like I'm trying to move internationally. I'm like bisexual. I've ben come out to like my parents yet, so it's kind of weird for that way. I've bes I have like a girl come over for Thanksgiving. It was like a situationship thing. But I didn't really have that conversation my parents yet. And then I like get home and I'm like, oh man, I'm still not like strong
enough to have this conversation. I guess that's like, like I guess that's like a part of it. So it's just like over time, it's like I don't know, it's just like little threads of that relationship and stuff. It's always like makes me feel weird. But they're also getting older and I have like nephews and shit now, so it's like I have to like show up for them because I love them, but it's also like a fear of lack of acceptance. But I don't really necessarily care, but I do.
So so that every year you care a little less.
I think so. But I haven't like pulled the trigger on like the action of it. Does that make sense?
Uh?
Yeah, sure that doesn't make sense.
Yeah, But like it's not like like if they ever like asked me about it, then I'm like I wouldn't feel as weird, but it's just like hard to broach the conversation.
Mm hmm.
But that's that's just one little like chunk of stuff.
But mm hmm. Yeah, so how are you spending the holidays.
I'm gonna go visit parents and my brother and go through the nephews. And that's like another little aspect of it is he has He's only two years older than me, so he has like the house and the family and the wife and the white pick of sense. And I'm trying to like get out of the country and like travel, and I'm like, all over the place.
Your nephew is two years older than you, that my brother's two.
Years older than me. Okay, yes, okay, but he's like super accomplished, and I'm just like, oh, like I I have my accomplishments, but like I don't know, it's just like a weird like comparative thing. But I love them very much.
Do you want the white picket fence life?
No?
But I think it makes things easier.
In what in what way it makes things easier? Like what does it make easier?
It's just like more like accepting I suppose, Okay, I guess do you what was that? No, I'm just driving. I'm sorry, what was that cat that was me? Yelling? Yeah? Yeah, I'm the cat you yeah?
So hmm, okay, so you it's an easier life to explain to your family, is what you're saying.
It's an easier life to explain them my family. And also I feel like the it's more mapped out, it's more linear, it's easier to do as opposed to like doing what we all individually want to do and have to explore and like jump into like the unknown, like
that's what that's what we should be doing. But it's like scary and painful in a bunch of ways because we don't know what that's like, and fear is very uncomfortable when you're in it, and so there's like a part time it's like I wish I liked the white ticket fand situation, but I don't. So it's like on that jumping told of like moving forward.
But so so what is jumping? What is jumping forward looking like for you these days?
So about So I'm trying to, like I said, like get out of the country. I'm trying to do international teaching. I get like all of that, but it's like super expensive. So I'm like trying to like save up as much as I can and just like I don't know, like suck around and find out and see what happens, but it's also very scary because it's just like it's really me doing all of this and it's hard, and like financials are hard. I swear I had more to talk about.
What do you mean? What what do you mean? You have a lot of stuff? What are you talking about? You have a lot of time.
But there was like there were like so many like individual situations. I'm like and now I'm like, of course, it's like it's.
Okay, So where where do you want to go to teach?
So I went to Amsterdam back in October and it was so nice and like all the little coffee smoke shops and like I had truffles and it was just really it was it was a vibe. And there's a magic bookshops museum thing out there called the Writtman Museum or the Writtman Library, and it's full of like old magic books, so like King Solomon's like where he sealed
all the demons into like the rings and stuff. All those books are on display and you can volunteer to like work there, and it was just really cool and I'm I don't know, it was like a good feeling. But Amsterdam's pool Morocco's on my list, Highland's on my list.
Amsterdam's Amsterdam is one of my three favorite cities on the planet. Actually, Oh, it's.
So fun and everyone's so nice and yeah, and it's like people party, but they're not like belligerent, like they know how to like I mean not. I'm not trying to generalize, because there were a couple like weirdo, like you know, uncomfy situations, but uh, for the most part of.
It, dick okay, So you're trying to just kind of like run out abroad and do go on like little weird adventures, a.
Weird little adventure. And then there's also like another part of this too is it's just like there's so much pressure because now I've been like saving, So I've been doing like sex works for the past like five years just for the fact of saving because like I'm a librarian like by like trade and like you don't really get paid a whole lot. So I've been doing that like on the side to just like try to get more money, and like it's been working, but now I'm
just like okay, like I'm so tired of it. And there's such an underbelly of all of that, and like I'm pro sex work, like do your thing, but I feel like there's so much more to it, and I'm like, my like my future is kind of like tinging on all this to work out. And I'm like, if kind of this comes to pass and all of the work I've done will, I don't know, it's just like it'll it'll be heavier. But I know that's like an anxiety
like weather situation. So I'm trying not to think about that and like stay positive.
But like, yeah, yeah, I see here that you you texted me saying I'm five years into I'm five years into non digital sex work, and I am losing my mind the complexity of the human underbelly. What does that mean?
Yeah, I have so many stories. I have so many stories, but like like it's just some It's a whole wide range of clients. A lot of them are like middle age, divorced dads or like older men, and like there's been like really rather really like gross guys or like I
don't know, like I'm very sensitive, I guess. And there's this one guy who had this like bigger house and like he would collect all of like people in attendo sixty four and all these devices and stuff, and he was super sweet, but he didn't have a date for like fifty years and he just like didn't know how to date or talk to women, and that was his thing and he was a sweetheart, and I'm just like
that broke me. And then there's like other guys that are just like cheating on their wives and I don't know, or they're like or their daughters are the same age as me, and I'm like, this is weird. And I don't know, there's such a huge underbelly of it of just like there's so much that goes into it. I don't don't know.
And you said, you've been doing that for five years.
Yeah, yeah, since covid I was originally on. So I went to like a Christmas party and found out about like foot fetishes. It's like a very long story. And then I was like selling foot pictures. I was like read it and that was kind of fun, and then like I just like moved off of there. And yeah, so, like I said, it's a very long story.
But and so we're I mean, were you able to save up what you needed to save up in those five years?
Yeah? Yeah, yeah, so I I did I did enough and I set like emergency fund the side and all of that. But now that I'm like looking at I'm just like, okay, like everything needs to work out now, so I'm trying to pip it out of it, and so there's like an extra like heavy weight on it. So I don't know, well, what do.
You mean everything needs to work out.
Like for moving right, for taking that? Like I don't like what I'm trying to think of what I.
Mean, like like what is working out? I mean like you like, are you trying to get a job, Like you're trying to get a job in one of these places.
Yeah, yeah, And so I'm just like I have like job fair scheduled and stuff. But I feel like if things it's always like the what is it, prepare for the prepare for the worst, hope for the best sort of thing. Yeah. Yeah, So I'm like I wanted to work out, but then in the back of my head, I'm like if it doesn't, then like what was the point of all of this?
What was the point of saying And it's not.
Just and it's not just with yeah, like doing doing the sex work or saving up or you know, like all of the energy and research and all of it, and like, I don't know, that's like a point of anxiety.
Mm hmm hmmm, what was the point of it?
Yeah, because like it's just really it's kind of like a relationship where you like, was it sun cost fallacy? Where you put so much of yourself into something and then for whatever reason if like it doesn't work out, then you're I don't know, it's just it's hard.
Yeah, but I don't know, man, life is the sun costs fallacy? I mean, what was the point of knowing?
My theory with that is like you have to do something. What else are you going to do? Just you have to do something. You have to pick something to do, So I'm like I might as well see the world.
And I don't know. And it's also like the sex work too, is just like I don't know, Like I grew up in a very like religious background and so it's just really especially now with like the over I think an oversaturation of sex work like throughout the Internet and in general because of COVID, like people really picked up on it. A lot of sex workers will complain about that because of how obersaturated it is. So it's just like I had a point.
As I mean, it's a noble profession. I believe that.
Oh yeah, hell yeah yeah.
So I don't think you it's not like you uh did I. I I genuinely think that doing sex work. I mean it's more noble of a way of making money than like like buying and selling cryptocurrency.
Oh no, I agree. And it's like there's a part of it that's really fun, like really fun, and like I got a lot of like I grew a lot because of it.
Mm hmm.
But it's also like a double edged thing. And yeah, because I've watched a couple of videos who before. It's just something that like the both sides that it doesn't you're talking about.
So I don't know what was the point of anything. I mean, you you you uh you helped people, you uh saved money in an attempt to enrich your own life. You got to You're gonna get to attempt to travel and do these things. It sounds like there were points. It sounds like it has not been a completely vapid experience for you.
No, it's just I don't know where to put it at, you know, and also where to put the experience and like it unlocked like a whole new part of myself and also unlock a whole new understanding of like other people and the debating and all of it. So it's just about like processing and like integrating, you know.
Mm hmm.
Okay, So what what if things were like what what's the vision for things working out perfectly? Like if you wave your magic wand and everything works out perfectly? How's that look? Long?
Okay, so long, long, long term goal I want to have And I feel like this. I talk a lot about this too different people, so it might be a little identifying, but whatever. But like the end then goal is I want to have a house with a little covered porch like a little cabin, and it's a wrap around covered porch, and then the front there is a little tiny lake that freezes over in the winter, and there's a little fire pit and you can go swimming
in the lake when it's warm outside. And then I want to have a rocking chair in the covered porch, and I want to have a cat in my lap and a cup of tea, and inside I have an Alaskan king bed and refrigerator which have like all the different types of ice in it, like the moon shades ice and the ones with the holes in it and the crushed ice, and I want to have like a little bit of wood so I can go like hiking in and whatnot. And I want to be a little old lady in my roccing chair with my cat and
my tea fire blazing. You can hear the ice crackle, the snow for snowfall just falls and then I have a brain aneurism and that's it. Oh and then you die and so yeah, so I'm sorry. I'm trying to like work backwards, all right.
You want to make it? Yeah, you want to You want to make it to eighty and die.
It depends on the state in my body, right, and then like what's going on because rather eighty is very like I met very young eighty year olds, and I met very like old eighty year olds or seventy year olds, right, so it's like it depends on like how things work out. But I'm like, okay, I need Like a house on a lake is very expensive, right, like unless you're an Airbnb or like generational wealth or something like, it's really hard to come by. But I'm like, does it have
to be in the States? Can it be someplace else?
Does it?
Can it be in cannabis? So I'm trying to go like lake hopping and like see what's up. I don't know. That's like the ultimate goal. But then there's like a bunch of stuff in between.
Okay, you want to exist next to a lake. Yeah, I think we can do that. I think it's an achievable goal for you.
Yeah, but not like a huge lake, but like enough that I can like swim in it, but not super big that it has made you know what I mean, like not like finger lake lakes.
What's your name is, Lily? Yeah, I mean you can go to a lake. You can go sit by a lake right now.
Yeah, but like there's no lakes where I live, Like you have to drive to go to a lake. I need to live, like I need a lake community.
Okay you don't, Yeah, I mean you can just go to a lake. You don't, yeh You I think hard? No, it's not hard. I feel like you're Yeah, what you just described is not. I mean you want like own it. I guess you're talking about like you want to own a lake house. But uh, I mean here's the thing. Whether you own a lake house or whether you own a lake house or you go to a lake, you're still fucking at the lake.
Yeah, been so expensive, That's what I'm saying. I'm like, well, what do you what do I have to do? What's going on? And then there's so much more stuff in between that you know, and there's so many lakes out there. Also lighthouses. That's another one. I want to have a lake and lighthouse hopping.
Have you ever been to a lighthouse?
I've been to many lighthouses. And also I think I was a sailor in a past life because every time I go to lighthouse and it's like rocky shores and it's like crashing up. I just fucking cry like a little baby, and I think I die at sea.
When are you gonna go on your journey to wherever you're going?
I don't know. So I'm doing some school stuff and I have to quit my job because it's unpaid by teaching student teaching for three months, which is bullshit, and then I don't know. I have to figure figure it out so hopefully by spring. But if that doesn't work, then I'm probably gonna go West or something like Pacific Northwest is really cool but also very expensive, so I don't know, what's.
Your what's your brother think about your life when you talk to him and you're like, oh, you have a this and that and the other thing. I'm doing this.
I I don't know if I've ever like talked to him about like a little bit of the jealousy aspects of it. But he's pretty supportive, you know. He's like my older brothers, so we're pretty tight. Like I know you're tight with your sister, So it's kind of like similar, right, that's nice because you like, yeah, yeah, you're like a little kid and like you kind of hate each other.
And he was like my first bully and was like the Barby's head is off my doll and like throw them on the roof and like she'd me with this beabie gun. But then I would like beat him up when you want to PlayStation, you know. And then it's like you get older and things change, but you still have that like deep connection. And I came out to him and he was just like that just makes you cooler, and he's like when can I meet her? And I'm
you know, so it's it's it's nice that way. So do you have pretty supportive No, I have like a situation thing. But man, women are hard, like honestly and like a little scary. You know. Sure it's like a little intimate dating, but yeah, and also too, it's like with everything going on, I'm like, I just don't have Like I got on Hinge and went on a couple of dates with girls, and there was one girl I really liked, but like, I just I just don't have
the energy your time. And also if I'm like trying to move in six months or whatever, it's not very fair.
So I don't know, Well, Lily, I wish you good luck on your journeys. I think thank you. I don't know what I think I wish. I don't know whether I wish I had something motivational. I wish I had something motivational to say to you, But.
I I don't even know if there's a like a problem. I'm just afraid all the time, but like not like I'm just internalizing it and I'm chill about it. But then like if I think about it too much, I just like panic. But we're five.
I think you can get to a lake. I think we can do that for you.
I think so too. I'm just like, where, you know, there's so many of them.
Lily, is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go.
There's a good quote that I read in a book that I completely forgot, and it's this is also out of this also this is also adding myself a little bit. But I think it was like, don't slow dance with your skeletons. And I just really fuck with that.
What don't slow dance with your skeleton? What does that mean?
Don't slow dance with your skeleton? So like all the past stuff, dance with it, but don't hold it that tightly, don't like stick and ruminate on it. Let it go in a salsa. Do a little salsa. Don't slow dance.
Okay, I like that. I'll keep that in mind. Yeah, yeah, thank you, litt have a good rest of your life. I'm rooting for you. I think you'll I think you'll find your lake.
Yeah. And by the way, I'm going to see you on the tour in.
Then try Oh cool?
Well where yep, I'm trying to go for Pittsburgh.
Okay, sick, Okay, I'll be there.
Yeah cool. I'll introduce myself if you. I don't know when tickets get released, but I.
Actually don't really know either, but sometime in the next few months. But but yes, no, if you if you're like, hey, I'm the lady who wanted to who did sex work and wanted to go to a lake and other other things, other things, I will one hundred percent remember. Cool, awesome, Thank you, Lily. I'll see around the universe.
Yeah, take care you too.
I kind of want to go to a lake. A lake sounds nice.
From Umi?
Hello, Hello, Hi? What is your name?
My name is Yumi.
Where did you get the name Umi from?
I honestly don't know. Since I was a kid, I always liked liked it. My actual name starts with the why.
So you me.
Uh you me yum yumie. What's going on with you? Yumi? How's life? How's how how are you? How is your existence? What's going on? What you want to talk about?
Well, it's going good.
I just got to my apartment. I have a little cat named Share and she's super cool. Sorry, I'm like super nervous, so I'm a little bit hyper ventilating, and well, I had a really rough year. I did text in quite a few things, but yeah, it was kind of rough. Just now barely getting on my feet and stuff, went through a crazy breakup and then now I'm just at my new apartment after leaving that relationship and never thought I would have my own apartment, and now I do in the city.
It's pretty cool.
Yeah, yeah, why why was Why was things rough? What was bad? It's for you to talk about.
Uh yeah, I mean whatever. I'm down to talk about whatever. Uh So, Yeah, I mean I left that relationship because there was.
Like some abuse going on.
I have a daughter with him and she's poor, and yeah, it's just not a great relationship. I actually, through reading, learned that he's the cobt narcissist and so that was kind of rough, which I'm still coming to terms with, just the fact that there's a lot of these people out there that are really bad underneath.
Well, now, what is it what makes somebody a covert narcissist.
Well, like an overt narcissist is usually a person that they like outwardly are self centered, you know, self interested, like screw over others to get ahead, and a covert doesn't do that to your face. They do that over time. So, like once it got to the point where I was doing really good in my career and I think that's when he turned and he like started to be like
a super different person to me. And what it's called like the discard phase, where like they start to like kind of discard you, but you don't know it because it's covert.
Why DoD, Why was what was it about you doing well in your career that you believe made him made him want to discard you.
I think that he was intimidated by it. I think since the beginning of the relationship, he was always at a better position than I was, and I don't know, I think it intimidated him. It made him feel less than I work at a law firm that's like very well known in the area, and so I think that some of that kind of I don't know, I think that me being in this good position just maybe intimidated him to where he felt threatened.
Things like that.
And I don't know. I mean, you know, naurcistists really loved power too, so I think that was part of it, is where like he felt that he didn't have as much power. I was doing well now, making good money and so yeah.
Hmm, okay, and uh, you you have a kid with him?
Yeah, I was just gonna say I'm literally currently still going through Well, it's not custody anymore, it's just child support stuff.
Yeah.
He uh.
He's screwed me over in legal hariots too, because I can't afford an attorney, and so he, with his attorney has screwed me over with you know, stuff like child support. And so right now I'm still trying to fight against that because of the fact that I'm paying him child support because he screwed me over. He ent his attorney light to the judge to get.
Out of child support.
So where is your kid now?
She's with him. We do half and half join custody, which is another thing. He baptized her without me knowing, which is crazy. Oh yeah, like, and that's a thing that goes against the joint custody. But in legal matters, I mean, how are you gonna really you can't take back a baptism or anything, which I'm not against at all, but the fact that it was hidden is really messed up.
You know. So, do you guys at least live in the same city?
Yeah?
We dom h.
So you had a kid with this guy, I guess I'm I'm very interested. I suppose in like, and because it's a fearful thought, and I'm sorry that this happens to you. It's a fearful thought that you like kind of like trust someone enough to do really big, serious life things with them. And I assume you, you know, you know, don't do those things like foolishly or quickly
you do those things. Is even even even if you do them over time, even if you do everything right, and you you do everything, what would what's the word cautiously cautiously optimistically? You could still wind up being like, what the fuck? I never I don't think I knew this person? Is that? What is that? What you feel like happened to you? Or did you feel like there you were ignoring like signs of some kind?
You know, I don't think it was signs per se, because at the beginning it was very much like love bombing, and that's part of the narcissistic personality to get into relationships and things like that, the love.
Of bombing phase.
And then just over time I started to realize like I'm not being given the you know, love and things like that of you know, reallyationship. And then closer to the end, it was just kind of in my face, where like he just didn't care about my time. He thought his own stuff was much more important than me, you know, like even when I was giving birth, like
it was about him. And you know, usually when you are your significant others giving birth, you know you want to comfort them, you know, pat them, things like that, and that just doesn't didn't happen. And so over time and then I'm now in a new relationship where I do see the actual like love and affection that does go into a relationship that just wasn't there before. But it is pretty scary because it's like you don't really see it because at the beginning and there, it's like
it's like a lot of love bombing. So it's like, do you think that it's going to be that way, you know, for years and years to come. But then, like for my example, it just felt like at a point he just didn't care, you know, to to even pretend to be a good partner.
How long were you with him?
For?
Four years? Said? Yeah, I'm sorry, the kid is four years old? How long were you with the guy?
Three years?
So last year December was when everything started to hit the fan. Yeah, it just it went really it went downhill pretty quickly. But it all started kind of like a few years ago in July. I you know, this might be very sensitive, but like I went through an abortion and so like he just wasn't there and when we talked about it, it just really came down to his Catholic guilt about it all, and so he like pushed me away as.
Well because of it.
So, you know, it just over time, just a lot of little things here and there where it's like, you know, you don't do those kinds of things to the person that you love. And now he's in a new relationship with someone that's my girl. And it's because I know this because apparently my current boyfriend was in a band with her and she was a lead singer. And now my current boyfriend had screwed his current girlfriend, which is crazy.
Huh, where'd you meet your current boyfriend?
On field? Actually?
Field? What's going on? On Field?
It's actually I mean, if you want well, when I was looking, I was never intending to be in a relationship, and actually, like we talked, I was talking to him for months and months until I decided to be in a relationship with him. And I mean, if you want sex and don't on a relationship, get on field.
I gotta imagine the people. Yeah, but I gotta imagine the like I catta imagine. If you're a woman on that website, it's like you have eight hundred trillion messages, and if you're a guy, it's probably not. I don't I gotta imagine that's it's skewed.
Mm hmmm.
Yeah it is, from what I've heard on his end of it. Yeah, for me, it was to a point kind of overwhelming. And I don't want to sound kind of like, I don't know, like a conceited or anything, but I mean for a woman, it's pretty overwhelming. The dating apps, because I was on quite a few actually before I decided to get off of them.
Was which one was the best? Was it Field?
Yeah?
To be honest, I think Field, And I think I was on Bumble too, but yeah, Tinder was a lot of like flaky men actually, and then I never got on the Hinge either.
Mm hm. So I see of your own apartment now, it sounds like life is good. So it sounds like life is better for you. It sounds like things are good.
It is.
I'm, you know, thankfully there's some break between school, but I'm also going to school, and you know last semester. This semester, I had a I had my first like real panic attack, and I think it had to do a lot with adderall, which is why I stopped taking it.
Yeah what what about like you're just doing doing You're doing too much adderall?
Well I took.
I think it was it was like an anxiety panic attack where it was kind of broad on because I smoked some weed. But earlier that day I had taken like some adderall because I'm studying, and so I think I had a moment of just like panic.
Which like was the weed really like brought it out?
I think because it's just I.
Was already on edge, and I think the weed, which I don't usually like, I don't usually get really high, but for some reason this hit like really messed with me and my boyfriend had to pick me up and drive to take me to the hospital.
It is really scary.
Yeah wait, you combined weed weed in adderall. I do Yeah, I do that all the time. And it's and it's I do it all the time. And you want to know something crazy, what I do it all the time. I do it all the time, and every time it's a terrible idea. You would think, and you would think that's the weirdest part. You would think after the first time of doing it and realizing it's a terrible idea, you would not continue to do it all the time. But yet it makes perfect sense to me my dumb brain.
I think this has how a lot of people's brains work. Mind, Like, my dumb brain is like, oh, if you smoke weed while you're on a stimulant, it's it's like you did nothing. You know, It's like a net becomes a net zeal it cancels down. But that's the that's the dumbest thing of all time that I keep And it's extra dumb because I continue to believe it.
Yeah, and well, I think because you know, weed is actually like a sollucinogenic.
It's not like a down or like alcohol.
So if I ever feel like on adderall, I'm like a little bit too much on the edge, then I'll tick like I'll have like a beer or something that helps me bring me down. But I think I'm done with adderall because my panic attack scared the shit out of me, like it was a associative, Like my heart was chalenting, like I was in the er with my headphones on, trying to like just breathe, and.
It wouldn't stop until it gave me some.
Like I don't know, it's the same family as Dan. I think it was aut Avant or something.
Yeah, out events cool, I love drugs.
Yeah, and yeah, sometimes it's you know, just you know, sometimes it's not smart the way that we keep doing the thing that we know is not good for us to do, which I mean that's me still with weed.
Uh yeah, no, today I want like since I've been working, I've been working on I've just been like working like NonStop for like a week, and I like, unlike the fucking like fourth day of it, I started like just being like I don't want to be like how do I how do I how do I make myself like not conscious through this work? And I was like, I know, I'll it's it's I guess. I was like working on
all this shit. And then I was like, Okay, let me take a vivance so of course I can get all this work done, but then also let me smoke weed so I can pretend not to be here.
Yeah. Well, for me, it helps me get unstuck when I'm doing like homework and I'm like stuck on a sentence or something. I'm like, yeah, let me just smoke a little weed. It'll give me some creative juices, maybe like switch my mindset, which it has, and I think, you know, maybe the adderall. I think it just got to a point where it was just maybe doing too much.
Yeah, I don't all be doing much.
I mean, like like thirty milligrams a day is what I had taken that day, So it was not much at all, but yeah started, Yeah, yeah, I started. I like five, and like I'm one hundred and twenty pounds, so maybe that's something to do with how much I can take in.
But yeah, it was, it was, it is crazy.
So what's next for your life? Human?
Well, well, I'm gonna probably keep smoking weed. You know, I'm going to be studying for the el sat here soon, so I might be going back on at all. He knows. And then what else, I guess keep working my butt off to nearly pay this rent. I don't know.
That's life, man, You just gotta pay the rent.
Yeah.
Well, I'm sorry all those things happened to you, but I'm also glad to hear that it sounds like you're doing pretty good. Notwithstanding, Yeah, no.
I'm doing pretty good. I mean, I definitely recommend reading about you know, culvert narcissism and narcissism in general. I think that it helps a lot. I think all women should read this book called why, like how Why is he so angry? Or something like that. I can't remember the author, but it basically talks about men and their aggression and things like that, and I think women should read it just to kind of get those red flags in,
but also the green flags. I think green flags are more important than the red flags.
Too interesting, Okay, so give us give us the thesis. What were the main red flags discussed? And then what were the main green flags discussed?
The puts beyond the spot a little bit, but.
I mean from what you remember.
From what our remembers were the red flags, Like, I think if they don't put much consideration into what you want, especially not considering you know, boundaries are super important, even if it's like a small thing like for example, like my current boyfriend, I'm like, you can't sleep over tonight and you have to put your foot down or else, like it'll keep going, and so like I think just having that kind of you know, your your own autonomy
over your your own self without trying, without letting it overstep at all, because it just then it's like kind of a domino effect where it just keeps happening, and then the boundaries are number one, I think, And then the green flag is really just I think listening to.
Your body too.
You know, it's like your body feels good around this person and at peace. That that's very important because another red flag is when your body is reacting poorly, like I was getting a ton of ut eyes.
I was getting a ton of ut.
Ice with my ex, and I think that was when I was my head was getting a ton of ut eyes and like act me like all the time all the time, which is not the case now. And so the other green flags, I mean just someone that really genuinely wants to know you as a human, not just whatever. Want to know you want to know the things that would benefit then, you know.
M Yeah, it's interesting the way you said because when you're talking about the body stuff, I kind of interpreted that as like a mental like if you like feel a sense of like like we if you feel like a weird underlying sense of anxiety around them. But you're talking about as far as like, uh, physical ailments.
Yeah, No, definitely physical ailments. I mean because over time, you're with this person so much that that anxiety you probably already are feeling is probably just a culmination that you don't realize, you know. So like the anxiety is not something that you can really pinpoint and be like, oh, I'm having anxiety when I'm around this person. You can't because you're always with this person, you know.
And so yeah, the.
Body, the acne and the utiy is like if you're not feeling good down there, something's not right because I wasn't doing anything different.
So you know, mhm, what was the uh catalystic incident or a catalyst for picking up the book? Was there like one thing or was it just like.
I actually googled it.
I was at our apartment in my with my daughter in bed.
I was on my phone googling stuff, and I don't know. For some reason, never occurred.
To me that I could have been emotional abuse because I felt like I was being abused, but I didn't know what it was, and so I started to google it, which you know, in hindscho like it does sound like something that's like like something that you can already Like it doesn't sound like a big revelation thing, but it is when you're in a relationship for that long a time where you've been emotionally abused for so long that
you don't really realize that you're being emotionally bion. And so I did googling and then saw all the things in that googling that he was doing were the same things until I started to do a lot of audio.
Books and buy the books.
And you know, it was rough because when you're reading it, you're like crying because it's like, holy shit, why did I not connect the dots?
Yeah? Yeah, but yeah, I feel like that's how a lot of the shit starts as you just start, especially nowadays with like AI and everything. Everyone's everyone's always going to like chat EPT and Gemini being like, uh, hey, is it normal for like my boyfriend to do this, my girlfriend to do this, or even if icking going to Reddit before that being like is it normal for
this that and the other? Yeah, you know, and I do in a sense believe that have I kind of am on the camp of having to ask is your answer, especially if.
You have to ask a lot mm hmm. I mean I might be wrong about that, but I mean that's right.
I mean, when you're starting to the Google like is my like, what's wrong with my relationship? Like, it's you know, definitely cost for concerns. Although I love chat GIBT, I hate how everything everybody hates fucking AI and chat GBT, I think it's great. I think it's a great tool and people need to you know, jump on the train before it leaves them.
Well. I think I think the thing people enjoy about it is that it has some form of like it allows you, uh kind of like a free confidential perspective, I suppose.
I mean, I think people should be more concerned about the energy that it's consuming and how our electric bill is going up because the companies that own the AI is not really paying their fair share. But also we need to think about nuclear energy as well to kind of help that.
My favorite thing about chatsheep Tea is that I can use it to make images of Woody from toy story making out with Winnie the Pooh, and then I can print them out.
Oh my gosh, there's a snake and mobbit, there's a snake in mind, There's a snake in my poo.
The snake and my poo. Dude, I wonder if there's ever been a porn parody of Winnie the Pooh where, like, you know how he's always getting stuck in that hole because he's getting his honey. There's gotta be a porn parody of like a guy. There's gotta be a gay porn parody, or maybe a straight porn parody, maybe like a gender.
Definitely gotta be out there.
Where he's stuck in the hole because of the honey, and then like piglet comes up to him and starts sucking him in the ass. I'm gonna all right, I got I got in trouble the last time I did this, but I don't I don't care. I'm gonna do it again. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna can I google this real quick? Is that all right? Okay? Hold on, the last time I did this, people got pissed off of me. But okay, Winnie the Pooh porn parody Winnie the a lot of it. It's a lot of a lot of like Hentai, Okay,
I'm trying to find like a live action one. They're all, you know what, there is not a lot askept if Okay, I'm gonna you know what, Yeah, let's see. Okay, where can I find a live action porn parody of Winnie the Poo where he is stuck in his honey hole and gets fucked in the ass by piglet? Okay? All right, I just used at least three bottles of water. Okay, it said I can't help with finding or describing sexually explicit content like that, Well, fucking what's the point of view?
Exactly?
No, there's nothing on Google. Really, it's a lot of there's like Hentai and stuff.
I think I have to go to the dark web for it.
Yeah, I'm gonna download tour Okay, Wait, Winnie the Pooh gay porn xxx parody? Okay, No, No, there's nothing like what I'm describing here. H all right, I think we should. I think I'm what's your name again? Umi?
Umi?
Yes?
Yu mean? Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?
I'm just so happy I got on and I hope everybody has happy holidays.
Uh, thank you, Yumi. Have a good rest of your entire life rooting for you, and I'll see you around the universe. Man, Marry merry, Christmas Fish. I can't be the first one to come up with that idea because it's that classic like, oh, step bro, I'm stuck in the laundry machine thing. But Winnie the Pooh was doing that way before. It was like a porn thing.
All from Lauren.
Hello, Hi, what's going on?
I mean kind of a lot? But what's new with that?
Have we spoken before?
We have?
Not?
Beautiful? What's your name?
I've tried to get on for a couple of months now.
I'm Lauren, Lauren.
Nice to meet you, Lauren. What's going on with you? How's how's how's existing?
Oh?
Existing? Is? It's all right? I mean, just got off work, hanging out with my cat?
Very nice, very nice? Would you want to call in today about Lauren?
I feel like I've kind of pigeonholed myself with my career. But I'm also very, very young, so it's like, obviously I didn't but it's my passion. But at the same time, I'm not sure that I want to continue to do it. So I'm in a weird stand still with that.
Uh hold you, I'm nineteen, but.
I have five years of experience in this career field.
What is it.
I'm a cook.
Okay, what do you want to do?
Well, this is what I've always wanted to do. And I got my first cook job when I was fourteen because I started living on my own then. So I've always wanted to do this, And I went to culinary school. I ended up dropping out because of circumstances and moved back home. But yeah, I've always wanted to be a teacher. But I don't know if I have the bandwidth to deal with children for that long.
Yeah, and it sounds like it sucks, frankly doing with children for that long.
Uh.
Okay, what I mean? What's going on in the kitchen these days? Is it? Are you in any like are you in a lot of Gordon Ramsey situations? Or are you just like, is it this is a kitchen too hot? Is it? Is it literally you cannot stand the heat so you must get out of the kitchen or a metaphoric right.
Bobby Flay style. Well, I don't work in like a traditional kitchen, so I'm not in restaurant service. It's like a food production company. It's kind of like factor, but it's like local mm hmm, so it's not that pressing. But the owners got.
Some issues and it's this whole thing.
But what can you do?
I'm just a right, yeah, Well let's see, so you want to what did you did you say already what you wanted to pivot into.
I was thinking about teaching, but teaching I really do enjoy cooking. It's my passion.
Okay, why wait? What if you taught cooking?
That's I've been thinking that. I was like, oh, I should just do that. But that's I hated almost every single one of my culinary teachers. They're kind of droop. So I don't want to be that person.
You don't have to be. That's a good reason to be a culinary teacher. I'm serious. That's a good reason. Is if everyone or if you are in a thing and you're like, everyone who does this is a fucking asshole, it's a good reason to want to do it because you're like, oh, I could do it and then not be an asshole, right.
I mean, I just I've always wanted to be a teacher or something in that sense where I can talk to people and like help them out, because I went through a lot when I was younger, so I always wanted to help people in that sense because I went through it alone, and that was dog shit.
Well yeah, why were okay, why were your culinary teachers' assholes? What was wrong with them?
Well?
I went to a school in Utah. I'm originally from I grew up in Idaho, and I went down to Utah and.
All of my.
Classmates were just they had zero experience, and I guess that's why you go to school. But they treated me like that. And I had already been in this career for four years and I didn't really learn anything, and they weren't trying to help me. And I was like, well this sucks because I just spent all this money to go here and I got pretty much nothing out of it.
Okay, wait, but what like they didn't want to help you? Like they weren't. It wasn't like them them as a people, like like could you, I mean, could you go become a culinary teacher person?
Yeah?
I probably could. I would need like teaching certifications and then finding a place in this really finding somewhere to work. And yeah you have to go to like actual college. And I've always I've never wanted to go to courge.
Couldn't you what? I think? You just like a I thought, you just need a knife.
I wish, oh, I would already be doing that if that's all I needed.
Couldn't you Well, I don't know what the it's. It's not like you're teaching heart surgery. Can't you just what's the difference this? What is the difference between you have like a knife and you know how to make food and you just go on like Airbnb experience to make fucking cooking classes or whatever? Verse is like an accredation. I think I'm gonna go on a rant if that's Is that okay with you? I think? And I okay? I think accredation is it's a fucked up system, even for doctors.
You know, like.
Who who gives? Who's who bestows? I don't really mean any of this, but maybe I do the who bestows accredation?
Who who makes you qualified to do open heart surgery?
Exactly? What? Look if you can do it, Look, if you can do it, you can do it. If you can't, you can't, Right, I don't. I don't need some fucking douchebag to tell me whether or not I can't agree exactly. I'm serious, and listen, I mean I'm actually not serious when it comes to open heart surgery. But I'm a little serious actually, actually no, I'm a little serious when
it comes to open heart surgery. Like if there's some kind of like rain a man like I learned how to do surgery on YouTube, guy like, uh, well let him do it. Who cares? You know what? All systems are made up? But I mean especially Yeah, that's why. Yeah, that's why I don't think you should need a degree to be a doctor. I think you just be able to do it. I think if you, I think if you watch YouTube videos about how this stuff works, because
the knowledge is objective, the the knowledge is objective. The accredation is the subjective part of it. You know, Like you like you know how to cook things. You could probably teach people how to cook things. Fire makes shit hot enough for you to eat it, whether you have an accredation for something or not. So why don't you just do it? I don't know.
Yeah, I mean, like I could teach cooking and not go to like college to get a teaching degree and do that. But it wouldn't be like in a school setting, you know, it would just be like, Hey, I'll come to your house and teach you and your husband how to cook, be strogan Off or something that.
Sounds awesome, that sounds great, Well start your own school and then be like, well, fuck you, you're not fucking accredited. What do you know?
Right, It's like anyone with a degree, you can't teach your.
Yeah, I don't.
I don't.
I feel like I don't know. It's like it's like, do I need an accredation to microwave chicken nuggets? I hope not, because I've been doing that a lot.
I think everyone does. I mean, shit, I'm a cook, and I still I'll be like, hmm, I want some mac. I want some Kraft mac and cheese and chicken nuggets.
Yeah, I don't know. I think you should just do. I know that's your name again, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. I don't know, Lauren. I don't know what you should do with your life. But I don't know what you should do with your life. But I think you should. Uh. I don't think you need permission to, like, you know, teach people how to cook. I know I sound stupid, but I also know that I'm a genius.
Yeah no, Well that's.
My accredation is that I'm a genius, and that's your fucking accredation too, Lauren.
Yeah, I am a teacher at this point. I mean, I'm the sous chef at my company, so I do train all of the new hires, and most of them, like r VP, will just hire randos off the sho street and I have to teach them how to cook. And they've never had a day of experience in their life and farm two for two, so I can't.
There we go and that's very soon, I am. That's very very sue. I don't know what sue means. How do you spell that?
S o U.
S o U?
S Seuss.
French? The French really messed up the whole culinary.
I actually I know a Seuss chef and he makes very good green eggs and ham.
Oh I can't say I've ever made green eggs and hands.
So never mind.
That was That was stupid joke. Oh you wanna hear? You wanna hear? You want to hear a joke I came up with today? Absolutely, Okay, Uh, do you know the movie slum Dog Millionaire?
Nope?
Yet you're nineteen? Okay, what year were you born? What the fuck?
Two thousand and six?
Okay, all right, the movie slum Dog Millionaire. It's about a It's about a poor boy from the slums who goes on an incredible journey across the scenic country of India in an emotional, an action packed adventure. And I think that movie is a much better movie than four oh one K Millionaire, which is about a guy sitting at a computer for a very long time.
Watching those charts.
Man, Okay, I think, uh, I think I'm gonna go. I think I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go punch myself in the face. Lauren, is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?
Go hug your mom if you have one.
That's nice. I like that sentiment. Thank you for saying that. Yeah, good luck, Lauren. I'll see you around the universe.
You're around the universe.
Gick goes on the line taking your phone calls.
Every night, never goes to his se He's teaching you a loud of your life, but he's not really an expert.